Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Wanted Dead or Alive: A Script

After four months of waiting, his new IG video is finally out. What, it’s not his new IG video? It’s a Neo video? Figures. What’s it about? Dead or Alive 5? Wow, that just came out today! He must have gotten an early review copy from GotGame. … This is going to blow hard isn’t it?

Just from the title I can tell this will fail. He calls it a “short handed” review, and short is right, it’s only 2 minutes long. Because of the length, I’m not going to do my usual recap style with the timestamps.

Right off the bat, you can tell this was unscripted and likely done in one take. How? He scratches his chest! That’s not the type of thing you show in a video!
“If you like fighting games, this one’s for you” I’m this close to writing up an Irate Gamer drinking game. Take a shot every time he says “If you like x, then you’ll like this/this is for you”
He also brings up that you have hot chicks beating the crap out of each other. No surprise there…

He brings up Mortal Kombat again, and that MK is his standard for how fighting games should work with “secret moves” and “all that stuff”. That’s a really weird standard. All fighting games have “secret moves”, they’re called specials. It’s not a big deal. A real standard would be Virtua Fighter, or anything by SNK.
He once again brings up the hot chicks. You’re starting to sound a bit perverted.

IG brings up he prefers playing the girls over the guys because they’re “normal guys you can find in other fighting games”. Okay, now you’re really starting to sound like a pervert! By the way, Ryu Hayabusa is in this game. You won’t find him in “every other fighting game”, just the DoA ones. Plus, Ryu is a major selling point.

He goes to the story mode and says it isn’t that special. Then mentions he only got through an hour of it thus making his point void. Come on, you got an early copy and you couldn’t even play the whole thing? I am so glad GotGame doesn’t give him RPGs, I would hate to see him review the upcoming Tales of Xillia after a couple hours.
He says his reason for not going any farther is that he couldn’t get into it because he doesn’t know everyone’s special moves. Psst, there’s a moves list if you pause the game. Every fighting game has one. It’s a secret to everybody.
“Like I said, I prefer playing the hot girls instead of the guys” Because you’re a perv.

He mentions he got his ass kicked by the computer because he didn’t know all the special moves. Are we going around in circles? I feel like he keeps mentioning the same points over and over. How the fuck does GotGame allow this?!
Also, the reason isn’t because you don’t know the special movies, it’s because you suck. I thought we’ve made this perfectly clear by now.

“This one might not appeal to all fighting genre fans out there” But… but… but you said in the beginning that if you “like fighting games, this one’s for you”. This is why writing a script is so important! Especially for someone like you!
And of course, he ends on a shot of a female figher’s ass. Keeping it classy, Bores.

That was garbage. But I expected as much from the title “short handed”. Not even a mention of multiplayer. Far too many mentions of the "hot chicks". All kinds of bleh.
At the beginning of the video, he said Tecmo themselves sent him the game. If that’s true, they really should reconsider who they give free copies to. Then again, he was the only person to praise Ninja Gaiden 3 so they probably see him as a dumbass willing to praise anything they do.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Various Bits and Observations. Slow Month.

It has been slow around here hasn't it? Very few videos from IG. Even the superfluous stuff like contests or update videos are nowhere to be seen. I don't feel like doing a redux recap now so here's some updates and other stuff I noticed. If you read the comments, you will have probably seen this.

From Facebook:
Bores mentioned that his upcoming IG video will have him play around 15 characters. Jeez, overkill much? I'm aware that some people require themselves to play multiple characters as they don't always have other people around to help. Take Linkara, he doesn't always have his friend Will around to play Snowflame or the Gunslinger. However, AT4W is put out on a weekly basis and only has a limited window to get people. Bores takes MONTHS at a time to put an episode out, and during this time he seriously can't get other people to help out? Take on a couple of roles?

He claims the reason that Brad Harp didn't reprise his role as the Genie is that he moved away, and found it easier to do it himself. Is that hard to call him and ask "Are you free? Want to spend a couple hours filming some lines for my review?" and then work the schedule around to do it. Especially when there's huge gaps in releases.
Maybe Bores is scared that people will like the other actors better than him? He seems to have that problem. That's why I'm suspicious that he wrote out the Wise Sage, or plans to push Eric Allen away and play the Sage himself.

Up Up Ubi:
Earlier this year, Bores did a "review" of the iOS game "Up Up Ubi", created by his (former?) artist DatBoiDrew. When I noticed that Bores removed the review and the link to Drew's site, I contacted him about it, wondering if he's still involved. Drew said he hasn't been in contact for a while and pointed out something interesting. Bores reviewed the TRIAL version of Up Up Ubi, not the full version. The game only costs $1 dollar, so Bores couldn't even bother to pay one measly dollar to support someone that helped him.
The review is back up now, but I get the feeling he also pushed Drew away. Not a good idea Bores. Very few people are willing to help you, and it's not going to get better if you push them away.

Skylanders Giants:
Bores actually did upload a new video the other day, but it was so damn boring that I can't bothered to write a recap on it. It's another preview of Skylanders: Giants. All that happens is Bores listing off the new figures, mentioning some E3 stuff, and some of the SKUs that will be available. It was a selfish video too as Bores even mentioned in the description that it won't appeal to everybody but he really wanted to make it.
He was right about one thing, that not everybody will like it. So much so he lost over 80 subscribers because of it. People on his Facebook even said "I'm unsubscribing". That's harsh.

One of my readers, Doresh, brought up a good point about his Skylanders obsession. He calls out Nintendo for being "too kiddy", yet here he is making multiple videos on a toy/game combo made specifically to drain money from kids (and parents). I'm aware that Skylanders has a massive adult following, but they know when something is intended for kids but can appeal to everyone. Unlike Bores who is all "Nintendo is kiddy" now. *rolls eyes*

The Future:
A couple days ago, Doug Walker announced that, after five years, he's retiring the Nostalgia Critic. He won't be gone forever as he'll do a video on a rare occasion, but the weekly format is done and he'll focus on other projects now.
This makes me wonder, what kind of future does Bores have? A lot of internet personalities seem to have it set. Gamers like Derek Alexander (HVGN), Joey DeSena (CotGW), Joe Vargas (Angry Joe), John Bain (Total Biscuit) and others all have reporting and reviewing jobs that can last a long time (look at Jeff Gerstmann). Movie people like James Rolfe (AVGN/Cinemassacre), Brad Jones (Cinema Snob) and Doug Walker (TGWTG) all have bigger plans as well, two of them have movies coming soon. Lewis Lovhaug (Linkara) is making a lot of connections in the comic book industry. Some already have steady jobs like Chuck Sonnenburg of SFDebris (he's a teacher) but he still gets paid plenty for his Star Trek and Sci-Fi reviews.

Where is Bores going? The gaming community treats him like a joke, he's an incompetent film "director", and I'm not sure about the paranormal community, but I get the feeling they treat him like a joke too.
My only guess is that he'll be forced behind the scenes, working under people that won't allow him to stick stock explosions in every shot. Maybe GotGame will save him.

Linkara, Brad, if you're reading this, think you can weigh in?

That's it for now. I recommend people play Tales of Graces F on PS3. Why? Because it has an awesome battle system and it's better than Final Fantasy currently is.

EDIT (9/22): Bores posted an update to his site yesterday.
New episode of the irate gamer show is well underway. Finished taping a few days ago and into the post production stages now. Suffice to say I played about 15 different parts in this one which oddly enough didn’t give me an identity crisis lol. Stay tuned for more!!
game on!

Once again doing the identity crisis joke. Reminding us he's playing 15 characters. Going by this, expect it early October.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

"Real Real Gaming", About as Real as Square-Enix's Soul

Man, GotGame must need views. There’s another IG video already posted. It’s a sketch video, a “crossover” with site owner Steve Masters (and I say crossover in the loosest sense since Steve only shows up in the beginning and end).

Steve wants IG to try out their new invention “Real Real Gaming”. Wow, that’s ironic. Who else to test something called “real gaming” than the biggest fraud of all?
When Steve introduces IG, he responds with “welcome”. What kind of response is that? Why not something like “thank you” or “great to be here”? He’s the one welcoming you! Please tell me he doesn’t need a script THAT badly?

We then cut to IG sitting in front of a TV with an Xbox 360 connected. Enjoy this, this is the only time we’re going to see Bores play a 360 these days (according to my informant, a fan asked if he prefers 360 or PS3. A real gamer has no preference, so Bores responded “PS3”. Going by this and other instances, it’s safe to say he’s a massive PS3 fanboy).
EDIT:  My anger towards console fanboys clouded my judgement. People do have preferences, but most sensible players know the actual strengths and weaknesses of all the consoles. Bores is not one of those sensible players.

First game he tries is Sleeping Dogs. I love how it’s a shitty TV incapable of HD but the footage itself is in HD. Must be those GotGame interns hard at work.
During gameplay, goons shoot at IG and bullets hit the wall behind him in real life. With this you can tell what kind video this will be. The stale “video games attack you in real life” joke repeated over and over. Lovely.

He then starts NBA Jam. So, something like Bores getting set on fire when the announcer yells “HE’S ON FIRE”, or exploding after “BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA”. Nope, he just gets attacked by a basketball. … Pretty lame.
By the way, heavy amounts of controller shaking Pac-Man Fever throughout this video. It is at the worst on the last game.

He follows that with Project Gotham Racing 3, thinking it will be safe. You’re going to hit by a car or something. At least that’s how I would have done it. Instead, he crashes and there’s an explosion. Because it wouldn’t be a Mi- I mean Irate Gamer video without explosions. That doesn’t even make sense, PGR doesn’t have explosions. Would it really have been that hard to edit a car to drive by him?

So, that’s the third game. Rule of three dictates the video is over right? HAHAHA no. Instead we have to watch him play Madden 13. Yeah, you can all see where this is going.
He gets hit by a football player. What’s the point of this video? Did Steve want to do an actual crossover only to see Bores knows nothing about the games he plays and never actually beats them?

The video ends with Steve reporting again, and IG walking up with his sleeves rolled up and looking like an ape. So, playing “Real Real Gaming” devolves a human back to a Neanderthal state? Looks like it needs more testing.
Also, couldn’t you have made him look damaged? Cover him in fake blood, put him in bandages, something to imply he got tackled.
But no, IG just throws the games down and punches Steve in the face. Badly. I just sit there and roll my eyes.

And for those wondering why I’m talking about this despite not sounding like an IG video? Bores credits himself with his usual titles at the end. That’s why.

So that was… just lame. Really nothing much to say besides that.
I just think GotGame is reaching at this point. I mean, they have something called the “Ghetto Gamers”. Are you serious?

What’s next? Hell if I know.
I do find it funny how Bores is ultra-hyping Haunted Investigators. In reality, only like three people will care. He doesn’t seem to get that people only “care” for HI because of his other show, the one he neglects for months at a time.