Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Year End List: Top 8 Worst IG Moments of 2013

Another year has come to a close, and that means it’s list time!
This wasn’t easy as this year was a whole lot of nothing. Chris’ inactivity was so bad that I couldn’t even make a Top 10. Either that or the videos were so boring and generic that there wasn’t much to say.

Despite this, 2013 really was his worst year. Let’s go over it.

You’re probably expecting the tally aren’t you… that’s not going to happen this year. Honestly, I lost count after a while since everything just started running together and I partly stopped caring. I’ll try again next year, hopefully things won’t be so… samey. I did count the major videos though so that’s something.

8, All the side series are essentially dead.

It’s no secret that Bores has trouble focusing on one or two projects at a time. He’s created so many side-series that it takes months for a major review to come out. … Well, that was last year at least.
2013 saw only a single I Rate the 80’s video back in March, and not a single History of Video Games episode (the revised episode doesn’t count, there is no reason for that to exist). IG Shorts is long dead, and only a single movie review (Man of Steel).
I would say he’s finally taking his time to focus on his reviews… but the rest of the list says otherwise.

7. Sonic Lost Hurl

IG Neo was about as active as it usually is, with six episode this year. Most of them were just boring or inoffensive though, so it was tough to pick the worst one for this list. It was between Diablo III and Sonic Lost World, but I went with Sonic for a simple reason. I don’t think he played the game.
Calling his Sonic Lost World video a “review” is being generous, the entire video was an off-the-cuff vlog with footage playing where Chris only complains about one thing, the game gave him motion sickness. That’s it. Nothing on controls, nothing on gameplay, nothing on sound, just the fact it made him sick.
So why do I think he didn’t play the game? When he held it up on camera, one can see it’s still in the shrink wrap. So either he didn’t play the game, or he played the digital copy for some weird reason. Either way, it sounds more like he watched videos of it online and couldn’t stand it.
It also had one of his dumbest research mistakes, his claim that Sony and Microsoft “didn’t want the game on their console”, even though it’s part of a 3-game deal between Nintendo and Sega. He even reported the deal on his site back when it began!

Chris has had a history of claiming that games have been giving him motion sickness. He mentioned he barely played Doom because of that, he often mentions getting “Vertigo” when playing certain games (specifically, Contra III and Cool Spot), he often brings up that he doesn’t like shooters because they make him dizzy, and that the flying in Lego Batman 2 made him sick. I really have to wonder why Bores chose to take this career path if most games out there make him sick. If we consider he was never a gamer before 2007, why didn’t he stop when he realized that most games were making him sick? It just raises too many questions.

6. Baka Sentai Ge-Mas (later adapted into Power Rangers Gaming Dumbasses)

2013 was surprisingly active for his retro reviews, four in total. The first three were less reviews and more like condensed walkthroughs/Let’s Plays that still got things wrong, with the usual terrible jokes and cutaways. All three also felt rushed to get out in time for a Hollywood blockbuster release, and all three lacked any of the stupid storyline he’s been doing for over three years now. They also felt like a “return to form”, which isn’t saying much.
That is why this moment goes to the fourth review, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for the SNES.
The “review” is spent bashing what’s really a pretty decent game, all for petty reasons that were clearly reaching. Often complaining about aspects that are similar to the show (and yes he also did complain about how it differed from the show). A complete mess of a review littered with his pointless characters.
The story part though… wow. The villains unleash their giant HAL-bot into “the city” (no I don’t know what city, probably Cleveland since Bores lives in Ohio) and… good lord these effects. Toei should take that footage and show it to their set designers and effects workers on how NOT to do a Super Sentai giant scene.

And the worst part is? There’s still one storyline video left! How the hell did this take over three years? How many story arcs did Linkara complete in that span of time? Watch, the ending is going to be complete bullshit, just like it usually is with Chris.

5. IG turns his homepage into a blog, with pointless results.

IG’s website was just… there. It occasionally updated with “I’m working on something” and “This video is going to be epic”, but most of the time the site was just empty air (though it provide us with April 31st). That all changed in July of this year.
IG’s site changed from an MS word layout to a Wordpress blog funded by GotGame (who I imagine are regretting this immensely). Now Bores can tell us all sorts of gaming news like… this Mario video he found, and this Zelda video he found, and this Street Fighter video he found, and this Zelda picture he found, and this stuff related to Breaking Ba- that’s not even a game!
So yeah, the new site was less Kotaku and more “Chris Bores finds random shit and posts it for a couple people to see”. Not that it stopped him from stealing from Kotaku.
I tried covering it every week, but after a while I noticed how tedious it was. How every article was essentially the same again and again and again. Even his constant spelling and grammar mistakes couldn’t motivate me to keep going.
It does warm my heart that Bores almost never gets comments on his posts. Time to rethink this strategy? … Pffffft.

4. Too. Much. Skylanders.

Chris’ obsession with the toyetic franchise reached a boiling point this year. Every other article on the above site is Skylanders related, most of his videos were talking about Skylanders, and his longest E3 video was an “epic” interview with Activision reps about Swap Force (22 minutes compared to every other game getting like four). Not to mention Vicarious Visions flew him to New York to give him a Skylanders tour. You could almost forget that the Irate Gamer once talked about other games.
As you can imagine, his fans were not happy. The comments were always people bringing up how tired they are of Skylanders and to do something else, or to make a separate channel for the franchise since he clearly loves it so much. At one point, Chris even acknowledged that he was aware of overabundance of Skylanders. Did that stop him? Oh I wish.
Instead, he posted a 6 minute stop-motion video that can be called “uninspired and boring”. They’re statues! They’re a terrible figure to use for stop-motion animation!

I’m just waiting for the day when the public gets tired of Skylanders, it happens with every Activision franchise. It happened with Tony Hawk, it happened with Guitar Hero, and it’s starting to happen with Call of Duty (Ghosts sold a lot less than BLOPS 2)

3. Pursuit of the Bankruptcy

Chris surprised us last year when he announced the return of Haunted Investigators, a series thought long dead (even by Chris himself if his 200th video was anything to go by). But like a 12 year old troll during summer vacation, it came back with a vengeance.
Instead of a TV show, it would be a movie, and it would now be called “Pursuit of the Paranormal”. After showing a trailer around Halloween 2012, Chris went silent on it. Until September of this year.
That’s when the bullshit started. Chris revealed that he dumped his entire bank account into this movie, going to TV conventions and talking to various networks trying to get it on air. He listed Discovery, TruTV, History Channel, and SyFy, and all turned him down. SyFy even told him that “nobody is watching ghost hunting shows anymore” (Chris should have invested in making a schlock-y B-movie with a stupid title, it always works for the Asylum). You would think Chris would take that as a sign to shelve the project, but apparently he cares for this far more than video games. Hell, he would constantly claim this would change the “paranormal world” forever, and that he got a “90 minute conversation with the dead”.
Instead, Chris rented out an old theater in Toledo Ohio for one night to show the movie, as well as have a “genuine ghost hunt” in said theater. He was so proud of this that he even went on local news and radio to promote it (which you can see on his YouTube channel).
So what happened? The obvious, very few people actually came. Reportedly around 20-30 in total, likely a lot less for the ghost hunt. I think Chris knew this wouldn’t be a good turnout as he advertised it on his YouTube channel as “Meet the Irate Gamer”. Even though it had nothing to do with video games and he probably wouldn’t have fielded questions about IG.
The other big mistake is that he scheduled the premiere on October 12th, the same day as the release of the highly anticipated Pokemon X & Y. Considering he advertised it on his YouTube channel, one mostly watched by gamers, this was definitely a bone-headed move.

Of course if you couldn’t make it to the premiere, worry not, there’s a DVD available. And Shawn from TotalActionAdventure has reviewed it: http://www.totalactionadventure.com/content/are-they-worth-it-dvds-internet-15-pursuit-paranormal
Turns out that the movie’s claim of a 90 minute conversation was a lie as the movie is only 54 minutes long. About the same time as an hour-long TV show with limited commercial interruption. Well, he did say he wanted to get it on TV…
And unsurprisingly, Chris found nothing, and was just talking out of his ass when he claimed it would change everything forever. Unless it makes more sense to people actually interested in this crap.

Like Skylanders, maybe Chris should make a separate channel for all this ghost hunting stuff. … Oh wait, he did! Y2B2006, long before he created the Irate Gamer. I wonder what happened there? Hmmmmmmmmmm.

2. The Irate Gamer Game has arriv- and it’s gone.

Long-delayed projects seem to be a running theme with Chris Bores, such as the “Irate Gamer Game”.
Announced back in 2010 or so, the game was the butt of many jokes, mostly on how it will never come out and that the studio, Mad Media Labs, was clearly scamming Chris. It never even left the concept art stage! But like Pursuit of the Blah, it re-emerged. Around the same time a certain other reviewer was having a game about them being released.
So without a peep, the Irate Gamer Game was released on the iTunes App Store in August, with Chris taking A MONTH to announce it on his channel. For $4 dollars (eventually slashed to $1), you could get 52 levels of platforming hell. Oh, I don’t mean good platforming hell like Super Meat Boy or Cloudberry Kingdom. I mean poorly programmed TOUCH SCREEN hell where you can’t even jump and shoot at the same time.
And that’s just the start of the game’s issues. The animations are terrible, there’s no enemy variety (three HAL-bots and ROB), despite the controls looking like a D-Pad you can only go left or right, there’s ladders for absolutely no reason, you can’t tell what’s background and what’s a wall, IG has a hang glider for some reason, there’s a pointless blood effect every time he gets hit, health power-ups are too plentiful, there’s no checkpoints, the list just goes on and on. Hell, the only positive most people can think of is the artwork in the comic-book style cut scenes is pretty good, too bad it’s attached to a lame-ass story that makes more pointless references than Duke Nukem.

Two months after release, another major problem with the game arose, it’s unoriginal! Specifically, it’s a reskin of another iOS game called Commander Cool. The developers do sell the assets to willing game-makers, but with the intention that they make something original. Mad Media Labs brought the assets and slapped on various Irate  Gamer related characters. Some of the above flaws were carry-overs from the source game (such as the hang-glider and the blood). Considering how poorly-coded the game is, one wonders if this was done in a weekend.

By far the weirdest aspect is Chris constantly claiming that the game is “like Angry Birds”. Has he ever actually played Angry Birds? The two are nothing alike. He could have said it was like Mario or Contra, but instead he chose something that was far from similar. Maybe he just heard it was popular and hoped the comparison would get people to buy it? Didn’t exactly work out there…

Three months after release, the game vanished from the App Store. It was almost too good to be true, but it’s really gone. Three years in “development”, three months of life. Most likely scenario is that Apple did a quality sweep and the game was removed for being crap, and I really can’t blame them. As of this posting, it’s still not there. Good.
Man, I bet the fans were disappointed that it’s gone. Surprisingly, no. Most people commented on IG’s video that it looks like a really bad flash game, the people that did play said it sucked hard, and some were upset that it wasn’t available on Android (you weren’t missing out).

I do wonder if Chris learned something from this experience. Like the importance of not rushing a game out, or doing a background check on the studio you commissioned to make a game, or wonder why the fuck it took three years to make a shitty platformer?!

1. “I don’t feel like doing anything for weeks at a time, I’ll still make money right?”

IG’s worst moment of 2013 wasn’t for something he did, rather it was for doing nothing.
Last year he claimed 2013 would be “his year”. That did not happen. In fact, this year was by far his laziest, with weeks where nothing new would be posted. To Chris, there’s no such thing as a schedule.
His Neo reviews were filled with the usual laziness (outside of Disney Infinity), none of his side series were posted (as mentioned above), and his idea of a Christmas special was posting a two year old video with added bloopers. Okay that Skylanders stop-motion video was also a Christmas special, but it had nothing to do with Irate Gamer. He could have at least done a review.

The question is, why the laziness? Isn’t this his job? He can’t be making money by posting such little content and barely getting views from it. Until he says something about another job outside of YouTube, I’m going to assume this is how he makes a living. If so, he’s going to crash in 2014. With YouTube’s screwed up “content ID” changes, Chris’ complete lack of understanding of the gaming world and YouTube community, and his refusal to change course and direction, I can’t see Chris surviving 2014.

If Chris was smart, he would have started doing Let’s Plays a looooong time ago. Before you bring up that he’s not good at games, that hasn’t stopped other people from making careers of doing poor playthroughs *cough*DSP*cough*
If full playthroughs are too tough, then he could always do what Two Best Friends Play or Cinemassacre do, only show the best moments.
The point is, if Bores wants to keep making money, he needs to stop being a lazy-ass and put out more content. He’s had so many excuses, and none of them hold water (my favorite is his claim that he’s a perfectionist… yeah right!) Then again, doing it solely for the money is the easiest way to not enjoy it. The best course of action is to give up, sever ties with the Irate Gamer channel, and start a new one for something he actually enjoys. Or get a job outside of YouTube, either way I don't see that happening.

*sighs* And that was IG’s 2013. It didn’t feel like much did it?
What do you think next year will bring?  Hopefully the end of that god damn story arc, you just know he’s been making this shit up as he went along. Maybe the return of the Wise Sage?
I do expect Neo reviews of Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze (*insert Cranky Kong meme here*) and South Park: The Stick of Truth. Because Bores is just that predictable.

Happy new year everyone, see you all in 2014.

Monday, December 16, 2013

The Peak of Obsessive Fandom: Skylanders Stop-Motion

You know how I've given Bores crap for "misplaced effort"? Rather than focusing on writing or acting, he'd rather focus more on effects and other such similar nonsense? That's what we have here.

After a MONTH of nothing, Bores finally posted a new video. A four and a half minute Skylanders stop-motion short. Stop-motion, one of the most tedious forms of animation (to create) possible. Are you kidding me?
First of all, Skylanders have no articulation. They're solid statues and do not make for entertaining stop-motion shorts. Had he done real action figures, claymation, Lego, I would actually praise him because stop-motion isn't easy. But statues?

Okay, I'll give Bores the benefit of the doubt if he produces something interesting with this. ItsJustSomeRandomGuy isn't really stop-motion but he makes up for it with entertaining jokes, engaging writing, and great voice acting.
... This short has none of that.

I'm not going to do the usual recap because, truth be told, there's little substance to this short. Instead, here's a summary.
We open on Bores playing Skylanders, when a little girl runs in screaming "Daddy Daddy, there's new Skylanders under the Christmas tree!" I'll discuss this little girl later.
Then we pan over to the Skylanders as they come to life and discuss their plan of... welcoming the new ones. ... Laaaaaame.
So a few of them sneak off, move down the stairs, run into some MLP toys, then arrive at the Christmas tree where some Swap Force Skylanders await. Then they take a giant boat, pick up the MLP toys, and the video ends. Oh wait, there were bloopers too.

... Yeah, wasn't much to that now. Of course, there's the usual terrible jokes and awful voice acting mixed in there.

The little girl. According to the last blooper, her name is Emmy. She's likely one of Chris' girlfriend's kids, and she was only calling him "daddy" as "part of the show". Unless she really is his daughter... I don't want to think about it.

The story is basically a really lame version of Toy Story. Only without any of the conflict or heartwarming moments that made that series special. At least one of the Skylanders could have been like "What if we get replaced? Or no longer played with?" Like Woody was when Andy got Buzz Lightyear.

Bores framed two of DatBoiDrew's drawings and hung them on his wall (Aladdin and Kool-Aid Man). How strange.

Was the MLP bit really necessary? Maybe that was Emmy's contribution to the script. "I'll appear in the video if you put my Pony toys in".

Steve Masters was in the video as one of the Skylanders. Odd cameo choice...

According to the description, Bores invested 60 hours into this short. This is what I mean by misplaced effort. He could have spent that time doing actual reviews, providing content. Instead he wastes it on this dumb short that only solidifies how much of an obsessed loon he is for these damn toys.

Look, I know stop-motion isn't easy. I've tried it, it's not fun. But this was really stupid.
"Year of Irate Gamer" What a load of crap. You barely did a damn thing, and I'm sick of your Skylanders obsession. I'm pretty sure most of your fans are too. But do you care? No, you hide behind your multiple sockpuppet accounts, sticking your fingers in your ears and claiming that everything is okay and that we're the ones in the wrong.

We shall see how 2014 goes. Probably even worse.
By the way, it has taken over three years to complete his "epic storyline". Keep in mind, it started October 2010, and we're approaching 2014. What a joke.

EDIT: My Facebook informant was looking over the posts, and noticed fan pointing out how similar the video was to "Skylanders Shorts" from "Skylander Boy and Girl". Looking up the videos, I can see what he means. However, where Bores used the toys for the game (which are like statues), they used the Mega Bloks Skylanders, which are like Lego, and actually move around like stop-motion figures should. Once again, Bores jumps on a bandwagon and puts out a poor copy. *sighs* Will he ever learn?

Friday, December 13, 2013

What Happened to I Rate the 80's?

You know, it's been a while since Chris posted an I Rate the 80's video. Last one was about Uncle O'Grimacey back in March, and that was technically an "I Rate the 70's".

Let's check his site and see what happened.

What's that? You clicked the link and were redirected right here? How strange!
Actually, here's what happened. Chris, being the punctual man that he is, let the iratethe80s domain name expire. So Uatu the Watcher swooped in and grabbed the name, now it redirects here.
The best part? Chris doesn't know yet (he will soon since I know he reads this), and the links are still all over his YouTube channel. Under the "About" page, and in the descriptions of all the I Rate the 80's videos. Chris, what the hell are you doing?

This makes me wonder if I Rate the 80's is yet another dead series. Just like the Breakfast Rants (which became I Rate the 80's) and Chris & Scottie Road Trip (remember that he had a website for it).
What I find strange is that he abandoned this series instead of the ghost hunting or History of Video Games. This series seemed to be the most "well-received" (and I'm using that lightly). People that didn't like his game reviews claimed that the 80's videos weren't that bad. Even Shawn McMahon over at TotalActionAdventure considers I Rate the 80's to be the "least awful" series Bores has done. Because Bores at least showed some genuine interest in what he was talking about. Sure the videos were plagued with the same problems as his game reviews, but they didn't feel as phony.

Speaking of History of Video Games, my Facebook informant noted that Chris said he'll be "focusing on a few episodes in 2014" after he finishes up some other projects. Give it up Chris, the series was always a bad idea and it still is a bad idea. Why do you insist on continuing it?
Also, a few episodes huh? That probably means one.

Has he still not posted any new videos? God damn.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

So... You Guys Doing Well?

I know I haven't updated in a few weeks, and that's because Bores hasn't updated in a few weeks. Just that same terrible Sonic Lost World "review" where it felt like he didn't even play the game. Just watched a Let's Play of it and claimed it made him motion sick. He really shouldn't be playing games with all the times he complains about motion sickness.

"But what about his site?" I gave up on that. He's never going to post real news, just random crap very few people actually care about. I mean, a machine that butters your toast? Powerpuff Girls cosplay? Who the hell cares?
He even posted an article from The Onion. He does realize The Onion is satire right?

We're near the end of the year, I guess I should start compiling the Worst Moments. Can I even find 10? He did so little...
Maybe if he didn't waste all his time posing as his mother and actually worked on content, then maybe he wouldn't be bleeding views. I know people like to point out his subscriber count, but that means nothing if they don't watch your videos. He has 146k subscribers, but his Sonic Lost World review only has 11k views, and that's after three weeks. There's clearly a major problem here.

EDIT: An anonymous source has shown me something interesting.

First, here's a Kotaku article from November 19th discussing the latest update of Project M (an expansive SSBB mod). http://kotaku.com/the-best-smash-bros-mod-around-is-getting-all-sorts-of-1467683908

Next, here's IG's article also discussing Project M, posted two days later. http://theirategamer.com/super-smash-bros-wii-mod-coming-giving-old-game-new-stuff/

Nice to see that Bores is still partaking in plagiarism after all these years. Don't even try to defend this, this is fucking exact. Even the picture is the same.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

IG Game Update: It's Gone!

In a (not-so) surprising turn of events, the Irate Gamer Game has completely disappeared from the iOS store. Searching "TIGG" or "Irate Gamer" gives you different results, and none of them are the game.
Last week, the Lite (free) version disappeared from the store, and now the Full (paid) version is gone too. Why is this?
I'd like to thank Eric Neuman for bringing this up.

Possibilities for the game's removal:

1. Quality.
Despite the iOS store heavily invoking Sturgeon's law, Apple does remove poor quality apps. It's very likely that they removed the game for being crap.
2. Copyright infringement
It was a reskin of Commander Cool, and I did not see the company behind the engine/assets credited for it. It would be like using the Unreal engine and not crediting Epic for it.
3. Chris wanted it gone
Despite being proud of the game (so he claims), Chris saw that the game really was terrible. So he told the folks at Mad Media Labs to take it down.
4. Mad Media Labs wanted it gone
Realizing that this basically kisses their careers goodbye, Mad Media took the game down.
5. No money coming in.
Keep in mind, the game launched at $3.99, and kept going lower and lower until it was only 99 cents (the lowest you can go on the iOS Store without being free). Even with all the comments on IG's video saying they were going to get it, it probably wasn't enough.

Well, whatever the reason, I think we can all agree this was a silly little chapter of the Irate Gamer's existence. Three years of "development", only three months on the iOS store. Every player involved lost in some way.
"Just like Angry Birds" Whatever you say Chris, whatever you say.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Sonic Sez Go See a Doctor If Playing My Game Makes You Sick

Holy crap, a new review! After two months of Skylanders and ghosts, he finally put out a new review. I needed material after I realized his blog is the same shit again and again and again, and he almost never talks about video games.

The PS4 came out today, has Bores managed to be timely and release a video on that? Nope! It’s about Sonic Lost World, oh this is going to suck.

Sonic Lost World is… divisive. Personally I feel it’s not as good as Colors or Generations, and the fact that I need to hold down a button to run instead of having it done automatically feels counter-intuitive  But I still enjoyed what I played of it, and suggest that you get it at a discount.

Going through the video, it’s clear he did not script this. So I’m going to avoid using timestamps as he just rambles on and on.

“Hey gamers, I want to talk about Sonic The Lost World in this Irate Gamer Neo episode” It’s just Sonic Lost World, there’s no “the” in the title.
“I first saw this game at the E3 event…” Take a shot.

He mentioned that he liked it at E3, but now that he’s played it at home he doesn’t like it. Hoo boy, this is going to be interesting.
His first issue is that the game is “really hard on the eyes” and he can’t play for more than 5-10 minutes at a time without getting dizzy. Well, that’s your own problem Chris. Don’t blame the game for something that’s clearly wrong with you. Go see a doctor, get your head checked out. You keep going on about how games make you dizzy or sick, and that’s all on you, you should probably do something about it.

He mentions that the “other people watching him play” got nauseous as well. You mean the girlfriend’s kids? Just say it.
He keeps going on about this problem, and then notes that if you don’t get dizzy  then you’ll be fine. Here’s the thing Chris, considering how often games make you dizzy or sick, you shouldn’t be fucking playing them! Why did you even choose this career path? Oh right, James Rolfe made it popular and you’re a leech. Seriously though, consider that maybe playing video games isn’t healthy for you and that you should find something else to do. I’m just saying.

He brings up that it’s Wii U exclusive, and wonders if that’s the case because “PlayStation and Xbox didn’t like the concept” No you fucktard! Pay attention to gaming news for once in your life! Nintendo and Sega struck a three game deal, that’s why Sonic Lost World is exclusive to Nintendo platforms! See, this is why you need to script this shit, so you can double check your facts, and not come across like a fucking moron!

“To all the people at Sega, I know you watch my videos from time to time” Bullshit! Okay, maybe some employees that work the phones or the marketing department have seen his videos, but I seriously doubt anyone from Sonic Team or anyone actually involved in development has seen his crappy crappy reviews.

He continues whining about the levels “twisting and turning” and then tells Sega that they should just “reboot Sonic 2, 3 & Knuckles levels because that’s what the fans really want”. Oh fuck off! You got that with Sonic Generations (which you didn’t play because you stole the footage for that review), let Sega and Sonic Team do something original. Quit living in the past! The same can be said to many Sonic fanboys out there.

Wow… that was crap.
Why even call it a review? He just whined about the fact the game made him dizzy. He didn’t even bring up the gameplay, the story, the sound, the controls, just a problem that only effects him and a few others. Hell, this review gave me more of a headache than Sonic Lost World ever did.

In fact, I have my doubts he actually played the game.

I made the reckless mistake of looking in the comments, and amongst the Bob spam I managed to find a comment calling something out.

Looking at the video, the box did have a gleam off it that implicated it was sealed. So, either he had a second copy of the game, he downloaded it digitally and just happened to have the retail version on him for some reason, or he’s talking out of his ass (as per usual).

That’s it for now. If you managed to pick up a PS4, enjoy it. If you liked Sonic Lost World, more power to you. Granted, that’s if you played Sonic Lost World (I’m hearing rumblings that the game sold really poorly). If you didn’t for real reasons like poor controls are the difficulty, then that’s fine too. If you get just as dizzy, seek medical help.

Think we’ll see the next retro review before the year’s out? *shrugs*

EDIT: I just remembered something!
Bores should have actually known about the Nintendo exclusivity deal, he brought up on his site before!
Look at that. How did Bores not remember the deal? The man seems to have major memory issues.

Friday, November 8, 2013

IG Tries Text Reviews, Surely This Can't Backfire!

*checks IG’s channel* Nothing. *checks GotGame* Nothing. *sighs* A whole lot of nothing.
*checks site* Wait what’s this? Reviews? As in, text reviews? Holy crap, Bores is actually doing something worthwhile with his site! Sure there’s still stupid posts about “cool looking fan art” and “Star Wars stuff”, but he’s actually doing text reviews! Though I’m pretty sure they aren’t the smartest thing to do financially considering his site probably only gets a 1/100th of the views he gets on his channel (which is already crazy low).

So, what does he review? High-profile titles like GTA V, Assassin’s Creed IV or Wind Waker HD? Ahahahahahahahahahaahahahaaha no. He looks at games very few people actually care about.

First review is “Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures”, a multi-plat game (he’s looking at the PS3 version) based on the new CGI cartoon. Looking up the cartoon, apparently Pac-MAN is voiced by a woman. So he’s meant to be a kid? That’s one reason to have a woman play a male character. Anyway, onto the review.

“Its review day here at theirategamer.com” Review day. Fucking review day. Here’s the thing Chris, normal sites don’t have special days specifically for reviews, they do them when a game comes out. Just post them when you get them done, don’t procrastinate like you usually do.
“and Yes it’s the brand new Pac-Man game, based on a new cartoon on the Disney Channel” I’m going to stop you right there. Ghostly Adventures doesn’t air on Disney Channel, it airs on Disney XD. Yes, they are different things, just because Disney owns both doesn’t make it right. You don’t say that Agents of SHIELD airs on Disney Channel since Disney owns ABC.
“I first saw this new series promoted at the Pacman Anniversary party at E3 a few years back” Take a shot.

“So in this incarnation Pacman is in a 3D world performing all sorts of Pac stunts as chomping numerous badguys throughout any given level.” So it’s a lot like Pac-Man World 1 and 2. Surely you know about those games right? ……..
“This time around your given power ups to help you along the way.” Isn’t that what Power Pellets were? By the way, take a shot when he confuses “your” and “you’re”

“The first I found was an Icy Pac power up which helps you turn enemies to ice and freeze water fountains into ice to reach higher parts of the level. The second one was a chameleon Pac outfit which allows you to use your tongue as a weapon. Look out Mick Jagger!” Mick Jagger? What? That’s a bizarre comparison to make involving tongues. Wouldn’t Gene Simmons make more sense?
“This game doesn’t exactly redefine the wheel, but for kids who are into t  he cartoon, I’m sure that’s where the appeal for this title lies. If I had a lazy Sunday afternoon to blow a couple hours I would play this game.” Cause kids and parents are totally reading your site.

“I have got to hand it to Namco though, the controls and animations are solid. Although it is just weird hearing Pacman having a kids voice since I grew up on the cartoon in the 1980’s where Pacman had the older raspy. Ahh the good ol’ days…” The older raspy? You really couldn’t finish that sentence? Man, you’re lazy. And yes, we know you’re constantly pining for your youth, it’s rather annoying.

“So how do I rate this: Just like any 3d world platformer, it’s fun for a bit but doesn’t quite captivate. Most likely geared for kids who are into the Ratchet and Clank type games.” Ratchet & Clank? I don’t see it. If anything, this is more like Sonic Colors/Lost World, or some other generic platformer. But not Ratchet & Clank.

… Was that seriously the entire review? Wow, talk about lazy. He only mentions important features once, and I get the feeling he didn’t even beat the game. Jeez, what’s next?

Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 Full Burst. Wait what?! Naruto? When the hell has he ever cared for Naruto? I mean, he mentioned him once in a previous article when talking about the pre-order bonus costume for Goku in an upcoming DBZ game, but he has never shown any interest in the franchise. Did GotGame send him this? I bet this is going to hurt, and I don’t even like Naruto.

“We are continuing review day here at theirategamer.com and now we have the new Naruto Game by Namco which is Based on the manga and anime franchise.” Ya don’t fucking say!
“I am about a year or so behind in the story line but it looks like this game covers the manga rather well.” Pfffft, yeah right. You? A Naruto fan? Come on! I’ll believe it when I see it, and I don’t mean these lies you’re constantly spewing on your site. By chance you are fan, here’s a tip, stop! The series has gone so far down that it’s beyond redemption.
“Even though I had to sit through a grueling 35 minutes for this game to update before playing, uggg.” Oh boo hoo! Newsflash Chris, modern games have long install times. Now I’m glad he didn’t play GTA V, he’d whine endlessly about the installation.

“When you start off the game, you start all the way at the beginning of the story. Saving the city from the Ninetails beast, and then playing as Naruto’s dad and facing off against the masked man who’s pretty much the guy behind everything in the current manga story.” A ha hahahaahahahahaha. I better hold my tongue before I turn this into a long rant about how Obito Uchiha is one of the worst fucking villains ever put on paper. Okay, so he knows about “Tobi” and that Minato is Naruto’s dad. Maybe he is a fan… bad things will happen if I learn he’s a fan of One Piece.

“After that sequence however the story jumps ahead to the 17th season of the anime show.  (yeah I had to look that up to make sure) I’m assuming the first parts of the story are in Ninja Storm 1 and 2, but if you are playing just this game you will get pretty lost.” I doubt it. Chances are the people that buy and play this are already Naruto fans and know exactly what’s happened.
“So anyhow, it then goes into Sasuke joining the bad guys and in recent Namco Manga video game style you must fight your way through the storyline.” Isn’t that before the timeskip? Also, Namco Manga video game style? Why do you keep bringing up the manga by the way, this is clearly based on the anime. Hell, it even says “Shippuden” in the title, something reserved only for the anime.
“These battles are pretty tough. Took me quite some time to get through the Masked man fight and yes I died a few times.” Pfffft, wow that’s… something. Did you play on Normal or whatever difficulty the default is?
“Fighting games aren’t really my forte.” I’ll give him credit that he blames himself and the not the game for once.

“In between all the battles however are the long RPG type story sequences to sit through. It is pretty nice if you don’t want to sit through hours and hours of anime tv to get caught up, but if your looking for pure action, you could get bored pretty quick.” Just because it’s a lot of text, doesn’t mean it’s like an RPG. Visual novels like Ace Attorney, or action games like Zelda have a lot of text like that. Also, anyone that expects nothing but pure action out of a Shonen series is a Neanderthal that can’t appreciate tension and buildup.

“So how do I rate this? Well I think this game would only appeal to Naruto fans and people who want to check out the world of Naruto, but this is not a good place to pick up the series since so much has happened when this game picks up. Other than that, controls are great so fans of the series, check it out!” You mean the Naruto game would only appeal to Naruto fans? What a surprise!

Ugh, another terrible review. One more to go.

Lost Planet 3? That exists?
Seriously, Capcom sent this game to die. Barely anyone knows about it. I’m surprised Bores even covered it. My guess? GotGame didn’t want to touch, so they sent it to him.

“Rounding out review day is Capcom’s latest offering: Lost Planet 3.” Wrong sir, wrong. See, this is why you need to be punctual with your reviews. At the time of this posting, Capcom’s latest game is Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies. Still waiting for that retail release Capcom. This is like when he reviewed Castlevania: Harmony of Despair and called it the “latest Castlevania” even though by then, Lords of Shadow had come out. Oh God, I just realized the Harmony of Despair is the last non-LoS Castlevania. What have you done Konami?!

“This is a title that was farmed out to Western developers and a lot of people have been saying that the changes in the franchise are too severe, but let’s check it out.” You sure you’re not talking about DmC? Seriously Capcom, enough with the outsourcing.

“So in this installment the E.D.N. has fallen to an ice and snow planet and while down there you will be fighting off hordes of Aliens. You are Jim Peyton, the graphics in this game are sometimes so realistic I have to remind myself I’m only watching a video game.” PFfffffffffffftt Hahahaa. You think this is realistic? Chris, you are way too easily impressed.

“Early missions have a lot of rescuing going on and fixing things around the base with your mech. Fun fun,But the story really is deep and engaging. When progressing through the game, you’ll be wandering through iced-over tunnels, huge underground pockets, and running through wreckage.” Boy, you sure are doing a good job describing this game. Such vivid locations and such an intriguing story that you’re only inferring exists. You should win a Pulitzer!

“The Akrid Aliens and are relentless making combat fast and aggressive. This makes shooting these bad boys a bit crazy at times. Something a FPS will be accustomed too. Mech combat was a bit clunky as they aren’t very agile and your locked in at a first-person viewpoint.” Blah blah the game is ha- wait FPS? Lost Planet 3 is a third-person shooter, it’s not first-person. First-person is when you’re looking their the character’s eyes, third-person is when you see your character on the screen. That’s what’s happening here!

“So what the verdict here? If your into Scifi FPS’s that take place out in the middle of nowhere, then this one is for you. The story is rich and the no expense was spared in the background scenery.” Again, it’s a TPS, not an FPS! God you’re stupid.

And that was Chris’ first attempt at text reviews. I’d say to stick with video, but those suck too so… quit this job and become a full time editor. Stay away from the camera.
Seriously, those reviews were so half-assed. Did he beat any of those games? And he made the articles look bigger by adding a ton of pictures to them, when in reality there was barely any text. Where's the passion he had when he reviewed his own DVD on Amazon? I am not going to let that one go.

EDIT: Seems I posted this too soon. He put up another review, for... are you kidding me? Beyblade Evolution for the 3DS. Who are you targeting?
*reads through* Played with his girlfriend's kids, generic descriptions, "true to life" inability to launch toy, horrid joke where he gets angry about not getting a toy (spoiled brat), fans/kids will like it. Fuck this shit.
Personally, the one thing I got from this is that he's a Naruto fan. I really really hope he's not a One Piece fan.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Pursuit of the Canned Applause and Other Things

It's been a couple weeks since I did Attempts the News, thanks to Bores posting the most boring articles! Only he finds this stuff interesting, and he keeps treating it like it's a real news site. It's a blog, a Tumblr, stuff that only your friends would care about. You're wasting GotGame's money, and they don't have a lot already!
Reader DavCube actually counted the number of video game related articles in October, and there were only 15. Five of them being Skylanders related. Why even call it "The Irate Gamer", just call it "Chris Bores' blog of stuff I found pwetty coo'"

But, maybe that will change this week. Maybe Bores will actually post some articles with substance. What's the first article this week?
*reads* ...... The meat artist again.

Once again, there will be no Attempts the News this week.

Instead, I'm going to talk about his latest video, a vlog about Pursuit of the Paranormal he posted a few days ago.
Specifically, it's about the October 12th premiere. I don't know why he took a few weeks to post a video about it, but I get the feeling he wanted to make a video about it without bursting into tears. I held off on this because I hoped there would be something else to write about, but these are the cards that Chris has dealt me.

Anyway, the video is straight up lying. The premiere was a "great turnout" and the ghost hunt was "sold out". Does he show proof of this? Nope!  The most we get is a single random person in the ghost hunt footage. When Chris is on stage talking about the "process", we never see the audience. At the end when there's applause, I've been told that it's a stock sound effect. How sad is that?
If the turnout was so great, where is everyone? Why are you the only person in the footage? Where's Alan Cicco? I get the feeling it really was only 20-30 people that showed up, just like the vendor said. I'm willing to trust that vendor more than I would trust Bores or his insane "mother", and she's a god damn psychic!

We know it was a bust, and Chris knows it was a bust. But will he admit it? Nope. He'll just continue doing what he's been doing for years, pure denial. Then continue to hide behind his mother mask and call people that criticize him "immature" and "Nazis". Classy isn't he?

EDIT: I forgot to mention (thanks to MacDragard for pointing this out), but he mentioned he wanted to set up a Pay-Per-View site for Pursuit of the Paranormal. Yeah, it's not enough he sells it on DVD, he also has to do PPV. He's really gunning to make some sort of profit, no matter what it takes. He should just post it for free on his YouTube channel, the ad revenue would help him. *turns on adblock*

Oh and he did another contest in the video, one to give away the Pursuit of the Paranormal DVD. Because nobody is going to fucking buy it! Unless it was to do a scathing review of it, and even then that's a stretch.
Seriously, how are the "Pick Me" contests perfectly acceptable, but Kickstarter is a tool of the devil?

Jeez, last actual review Bores did was Rayman Legends, and that was nearly two months ago. You're losing fans Chris if you don't put out actual content!
By the way, his video promoting the iOS game has way more dislikes than likes. Probably from people that looked at it and saw not a good game, but a shitty Newgrounds flash.

One last thing to note. A while ago I mentioned how Bores was promoting gambling sites on his blog. A source that wishes to remain anonymous informed me that Bores didn't do that of his own volition. He was paid to either write it, or paid to let someone else write it. It's linkbuilding, and it allows him to rank higher on Google searches. Not sure why he would need that, his site is the first thing that appears when you search "Irate Gamer". Unless he wants the searches for other things. Considering how random his blog can be.... hmmm.
Still, if he wanted to do something like that, why gambling? Like I said before, his audience is mostly younger kids, and telling them to gamble is horribly irresponsible. Then again, I also blame the parents of the kids for letting them watch IG, or PewDiePie (but that's an entirely different story).

EDIT: Some clarification. My anonymous source informed me that it doesn't help Chris' ranking on Google, rather it helps the gambling company that paid him. Say he posted the link to that site (I'll make up a site, VegasStakes.com or something) and the words "online poker". If one were to search "online poker", they would get VegasStakes as one of the first results.

*sighs* The lack of material is not fun.

Monday, October 28, 2013

IG Game Update: Commander Reskin

I would like to give special thanks to Eric Neuman for bringing this to my attention. You're the man!

Seems there's something more to the Irate Gamer iOS game than meets the eye. Yes, we know it's crap, it barely works, it looks like garbage, it doesn't work on all iOS platforms, etc. We can now add "unoriginal" to that list.

That is the official website for the iOS game "Commander Cool". Does it look familiar?
Here's a video comparison:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88V_ykna-3k (Commander Cool)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcNlJPdXw8Y (IG Game)

Yeah, it's nothing more than a reskin. IG's hang glider? It was a parachute. The blood effects? Part of the original game too. You can even see that Commander Cool only has two directional buttons, compared to IG Game's confusing D-Pad that can't even go up or down.  This is really shameless.

However, it is not plagiarism.
For $130 dollars, you can buy a "2D Platformer Starter Kit" that gives you all the assets and tools from Commander Cool, making it a commercial-source game. Here's the thing though, you're only meant to use it as a starting point, and you build off of it. Games like Counterstrike and Defense of the Ancients use Half-Life and Warcraft III as templates, but do something original with it. What Mad Media Labs did was take the exact same game, slap IG's face on it, added some comic book cutscenes, and called it a day.
What really gets me, is that Commander Cool isn't that original itself. It clearly takes art assets from Metal Slug and Mario, only adding even further layers of unoriginality.

So, here's my question. Where did the time go? This started development three years ago, but all we got was concept art. Was there ever a game to begin with? Did Mad Media Labs just sit on IG's checks until 2013 when Chris contacted them and asked "Where the hell is the game?" and realizing they haven't done anything, they bought the Commander Cool assets, and slapped it together in a weekend?
Not only that, but they made the game worse. Commander Cool can work on older iOS platforms, where the IG Game can't.
My guess? AVGN Adventures hype was high, and someone didn't want to be further ignored. Funny how Chris doesn't talk about the iOS game at all. He never even announced that it came out.

Look, taking existing assets and applying them to a new game is nothing new. Games have always been doing that. I can't even count how many games used the Unreal Engine this generation. But you need to try, you need to show some effort in what you're making. Otherwise, you have a soulless cash-in. Like Arkham Origins (TOPICAL!)

No matter how you slice, this is unbelievable. The entire game is a mess, and I can't see how anyone could defend it. Maybe Chris made the smart choice not to address its existence.

UPDATE: I stand corrected. After two months, Bores has finally made a video advertising the game.
In it, he admits that there's multiple bugs and that they're "still being worked out". It's been two months, surely it shouldn't take that long to fix a pre-existing game with a new paint job. How badly did they screw it up?
He once again compares it to Angry Birds. I am now convinced Bores has never played, or even seen, Angry Birds. The two are nothing alike.
He mentions that one of the best features is that you "hear his voice". Egotistical much? That would have been a big deal 20 years ago, but having voice on an iOS device is not a big deal. Especially when we have YouTube apps.
He brings up the possibility of DLC, and the ability to play as Ronnie, but only if the game is successful. That's not going to happen Chris. The game originally cost $4 dollars, but now it's only one. People in the comments are pointing out that it looks like shit (when they're not bringing up AVGN or dumb enough to think it looks good... or Chris posing as his mommy).

Bugs can't be the reason it took this long to address the game's existence. What's the truth?

Saturday, October 26, 2013

No Post This Week

As you might have guessed from this evening post, there's no Attempts the News this week.
It was just... more boring crap. Plus, I've been dealing with some things.

No videos either. He did upload his Diablo III review to YouTube... last week. It has a lot of dislikes, probably because it was a half-assed review.

Now if you'll excuse me, back to Pokemon.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Endless Skylanders and Empty Theaters

Before I begin, I would like to report that I am, once again, skipping Attempts the News. Everything this week has just been dull, and looking at what I've written so far, half of it is just complaining how boring the stories are. I figured nobody would like to read that, so I'm skipping this week.

To make up for it, I'll discuss the two things Bores has been doing. Skylanders, and the Pursuit of the Paranormal premiere.

On October 13th, Skylanders Swap Force came out in North America (the 16th in Australia and today in Europe). Bores celebrated by making FIVE VIDEOS (so far)  where he shows off many of the figures. He claims he got them from Activision, but I doubt they would be that generous (it's Activisoin).
The videos are, like the news articles, boring. It's just Bores droning on and on about the figures. Unboxing them and releasing "buyer's guides" that don't judge a character on how they play, but whether or not Bores thinks they're "cool". It's a waste of time, video, and camera battery.
And surprisingly, we're not the only ones that hate this. All the videos are filled with comments saying they're tired of Skylanders, with many of them saying they've unsubbed and want "the Irate Gamer back". Some are calling him a sell-out too.
You see this Chris, or rather "Linda"? This is why you're losing fans! Not because of my blog, but you've completely lost focus and would rather endlessly talk about a franchise engineered to drain parent's wallets. This is the year that's giving us the rest of the Eighth Generation, the year that gave us Grand Theft Auto V, The Last of Us, Pokemon X & Y, Bioshock Infinite, and gems like The Wonderful 101. But you refuse to talk about any of this. PlayStation 4? I don't care, it's not Skylanders!
It's been over a month since you've done a proper review (Rayman Legends), and that wasn't even well done, you half-assed it by only playing like an hour.
Also, according SocialBlade, people are unsubscribing in droves. They really don't like the Skylanders videos.

Why don't you make a separate Skylanders channel? That way, the people who subscribed for the Irate Gamer, only get the Irate Gamer. They don't have to watch all these vlogs where you fumble around with plastic action figures for 6 minutes! Other channels talk about Skylanders, but they don't do it to the extent you do! That's why Skylanders exclusive channels exist, follow their example!

But what of Pursuit of the Paranormal?
On the evening of October 12th, Chris premiered the film at an old theater in Toledo, Ohio, after spending thousands trying to get it on TV (even being told by SyFy that nobody watches ghost hunting shows anymore). How did it go?
Thankfully, I managed to get a testimonial thanks to Uatu (the brave man that played through the Irate Gamer Game and took pictures for us all). He managed to contact one of the vendors there, the owner of "Mama Tracy Inc.". I looked them up, and they do psychic readings. I see bullshit attracts bullshit, good to know.

According to her, the movie had some "awesome orbs and apparitions" (yeah sure), but only 20-30 people actually showed up. My guess is that the number leans towards 20. For comparison, I attended a midnight opening of Pokemon X & Y, and there had to be least 60 people that showed (and that's a minimum). She stated that she couldn't attend the ghost hunt though. Meaning that there were people that only showed up for the movie.
It sounds like Pursuit of the Paranormal's premiere was a bust. Only a handful of people actually showed up. Bores hasn't said a word about the premiere doing well (if it did, he would make a video boasting about it), the only thing we have is Linda's claim it did well, but we know she's really Bores, and the praise was clearly hollow denial.
I'm pretty sure Bores is really upset about this. If you watch the Skylanders videos, he has really sad eyes, sometimes looking like he just spent time crying before turning on the camera. I'd feel bad, but the only one at fault is him. After all these years, he doesn't seem to get what his fans want, and why he's "popular". People want reviews of certain games, he doesn't give them. People want Call of Duty or Minecraft, and he completely ignores them, instead talking about Skylanders some more.

Will the premiere bust and loads of angry comments on his Skylanders videos finally change him? Will he see what he's doing wrong and try to change it? Probably not, he's really damn stubborn.

You may also noticed that it's been two months and he still hasn't brought up the Irate Gamer Game. Why is that? Does he know that it's a total piece of shit and would be completely embarrassed if he mentioned it? Does he know that he's not going to get money out of this? Either way, nobody is buying it. As of today (October 18th), the full game now costs a dollar. Compared to when it came out, when it was $4. Yeah, there's not going to be a sequel. Mad Media Labs wasted 3 years on this piece of shit, and they're going to get nothing. You should have scrapped the project, instead of rushing it out to beat AVGN Adventures.

I actually don't know what the future holds. Is he ever going to finish his story line? Will we ever see another IG Short, which he claimed to have a ton of ideas for but only made two? Is History of Video Games dead? Is it nothing but Skylanders from here on out? Is GotGame ever going to fire him?
Well, whatever happens, I'll be here. Calling out all the lies.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Can't Title, Pokemon

Last week on “Indecisive as hell”
Don’t look at me, I’m just a simple blog writer! I don’t pretend to be my mom and attack anyone that’s the least bit negative to me!

What will this week bring?

Stories from October 5th 2013

“Garbage Pail Kids Cards Figures Return as Minikins”

People still care about Garbage Pail Kids?

“Well Topps was nice enough to send over a care package” If this is true, why would they do this? Because of that positive video you made three fucking years ago? Yeah, it’s been that long.
“I’ll be doing a video on them next week” This video came out on October 9th, and it’s a boring eight minute vlog about the toys. I have noticed Bores is making longer videos now, has he discovered that YouTube stopped tracking views and started tracking duration watched? Oh and it’s a contest, the comments are flooded with “Pick Me”. But knowing Bores, he’ll only pick the most loyal fan boys.
“but for now, heres a picture to wet your appetite!” *looks* This is meant to get fans excited? Wow that’s lame.

Stories from October 6th 2013

What’s this? Bores posted a story on a Sunday? Wow, it must really important if he posts it on his “day off”?

“Pokemon – Eevee Evolution Frozen Cocktails”

… Never mind, it’s just pointless.

“Not sure how any of these would even taste” Okay, you need to stop this. You need to stop including in almost every article “I’m not sure how blah blah blah blah”, it’s a terrible thing for a writer to do.

Stories from October 7th 2013

“Dragon Ball Z – Life-Sized Papercraft Goku Statue”

First actual story of the week, and it’s more fan art. *sighs*

“Created by this crazy blogger” Why is he crazy? Because he has a bunch of action figures and manga on his shelf? Because he made this? Why won’t you give his name?
“is this inane awesome looking Goku Statue” It’s both inane and awesome? That’s a bit of a contradiction.

“Word has it that it took so much free time to build, it boggled my mind on just how many days you had to call off work in order to finish this bad boy. (assuming the creator actually has a job. I am beginning to wonder with all those paper craft items behind the Goku…)” My God, you’re an asshole. First of all, what word? Who’s saying all this stuff? Second, those aren’t paper craft figures behind him, those are actual action figures and statues! I recognize a number of them too. Ryu from Street Fighter, Milla Maxwell from Tales of Xillia, Groudon and Blissey from Pokemon, Belle and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, Snow White (Disney), Death from Darksiders II, Krillin, etc.

“Great job” So you insult him, then you praise him. Whatever…

“DC Injustice – Finished with DLC, Now releases Ultimate Edition Nov 29”

Technically, that’s wrong. While the complete edition does come out November 29th in Europe and other territories, it’s coming out November 12th in North America. Considering this a site a operated by someone living in the United States, I would think he’d be more accurate with that.

“I guess i should’ve just waited till Warner Brothers was done releasing DLC to pick up this title” Have you paid attention to this generation at all? Successful games with lots of DLC would eventually get a “complete edition” that includes everything.

“To add more salt to the wound they are offering it for the same price you purchased the non-complete version of the game just months ago.” It’s a better deal, you’re getting all the DLC for what is essentially free. This is nothing new.

“Dang it. Expect Arkham Origins to go the same route in April 2014 or so.” Seriously, how deep is the hole you were hiding in? And how big was the rock covering it? You can’t be this ignorant.

“Disney’s Infinity – Jack Skellington Now at Gamestop”

“Not sure if anyone has been still playing Disney’s Infinity” Kwing is. You know, that guy who also does videos on GotGame but is far more informed and way nicer than you are?
“Just another hopefully dream I wish Infinity could do.” Is it me, or is the lack of proofreading getting even worse?

“Creepy – Sealife Sea Sponges Looking like Mahna Mahna Muppets”

“Well the Huffington Post has come out and said that this is a picture of Sea Sponges that resembles Cookie Monster.” I can see it. It’s blue, has big eyes, and a big mouth made for eating COOKIES (om nom nom nom).
“After gazing at it for a few hour, rotating, cropping, and examining the photo negative, I’m still at a a loss for how this even remotely resembles cookie monster.” … It’s blue. Get some fucking glasses.
“If anything it looks like the Mahna Mahna Muppets from yesteryear.” They were in the 2011 Muppet movie, I don’t see how they can be considered “old”.
“Some Huffingtons will never learn.” Hey moron, the Huffington Post is named after one person, Arianna Huffington. The contributors aren’t “Huffingtons”. I’m pretty sure the person that wrote the article isn’t a Huffington. *reads through* No name listed, but it does direct to an MSN article where they got the news. My point is, don’t be stupid Chris.

“South Park Teaching Us How Minecraft is viewed”

You mean played right? You don’t view Minecraft, you play it. Unless you’re one of the millions that subscribe to Minecraft YouTube channels. I don’t even get how you can watch that, it’s so boring!

“If you are an oldschool gamer and caught last weeks Southpark, then you probably laughed your ass off.” Oldschool? In what dimension is Minecraft considered oldschool?
“I get a lot of comments for me to play minecraft or do videos on minecraft” Wait, so he does notice those? Okay, then how about the Call of Duty comments? Or the comments from fans that are sick of all the Skylanders videos?
“and this episode pretty much sums up why I haven’t. Call me old school but I can’t get into the game.” Apparently, it’s really difficult to get into what’s essentially a giant Lego sandbox. This isn’t a matter of being “oldschool”, it’s a matter of “you’re too stupid to figure it out”.

My head hurts and it’s only Monday.

Stories from October 8th 2013

“Angry Birds – Now Goes Tropic Cola Soft Drinks?”

Another day, another drink. I could use a drink myself…

“Angry birds is back with more crazy merchandise now outshining the once Star Wars Merchandise giant Star Wars in taking up every offer they can scoop up.” I… I can’t even begin. The repetition, the poor comparison, the whole “Angry Birds are back” statement even though they never left. If this is his idea of a joke, it’s not funny.
“Originally sold and marketed in Finland and Europe” We can now add geography to the list of things Chris fails at. Finland is a part of Europe, so by saying “Finland and Europe”, you’re being redundant.

“Disney Infinity – Here is your Series 2, Coming at you Soon!”

“I haven’t been really persuaded to pick this game up after reviewing it but I know there are still a lot of fans of this game out there” Contradicting what you said yesterday when you said “does anyone even play this?”
Bores would make a wonderful anchor for CNN or FOX News. No impartial views at all.

“Happy Halloween – Want to Date a Ghost? There’s a Site for That!”

“Only thing you have to be a ghost to date a ghost. Okay, so how the hell is the ghost supposed to use the keyboard? Boy this was well thought out.” Don’t kid yourself, you’d love to use this site if it means meeting “real” ghosts. Honestly, this is a lot like those vampire dating sites, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that there’s a ghost dating site.
“Whats next? Zombie Dating Sites? Date a Zombie, fulfill your fantasy of getting your head ripped off!” Clearly you’ve never heard of necrophilia.

“Meat Artist Back, This time with Pokemon Meowth, Bulbasaur, Pikachu"

God, this is such a waste of good food. Especially when beef prices are going way up.
If I may digress a bit, but why is it when people do Pokemon art projects, it’s always the first 151? What’s wrong with the other generations?

“Pursuit of the Paranormal – Setting up for the Premiere”
By the time this post goes up, it will be the day of the premiere. I still have a hard time believing he sold a lot of tickets. I just get the feeling he’s going to walk out and see a mostly empty theater. I say “mostly” because he’s bringing friends and family.

“Very excited to finally show this to the fans!!” I imagine any ghost hunting fans you have don’t live in Ohio, and likely couldn’t make it.

Other stories:
“Mario Bros Music Video Questions Why Mario Has To Rescue Princess Peach”
“Street Fighter in Samurai Jack Style Art”

Stories from October 9th 2013

“Super Mario Bros Perler Beads gone Crazy on Canvas”

“I think a lot of use have made sprites out of Perler beads at one time or another" A lot of “use”? How do you even make a typo like that? Even the iPhone’s auto-correct wouldn’t do that.
So is Bores admitting those sprites are really Perler art and not “wood” like he once claimed? I don’t know…

“Star Trek: TNG Giant Captain Picard Pixelated Quilt – Make it So”
“Yeowza!” Fake excitement!
“Who needs a cup of Earl Grey to wake you up when you have this thing staring back at you in the morning!” This is scary? I don’t see how looking at that can wake you up. You’d get up, see the giant Picard quilt, and then look at your life and realize you wasted money on it. Wait, I did that wrong.
Really, that seemed like a lame attempt at a Star Trek reference. “Picard drinks Earl Gray tea you guys! It’s a Star Trek reference! I’m nerdy you guys!”

“Batman Arkham City – Nightwing Full Scale Light Up Prop Weapons”

“Although for the $1000.00 price point, they should’ve laced these things with real electricity!” Welcome to the world of collectables! They’re far more expensive than they need to be!
“Take that mr. neighbor! I’ll teach you to keep your damn barking dog in at night!” Oh hey, haven’t seen Psycho Chris in a while. Good to know he still likes talking about violently hurting people over petty things. Batman would be so disappointed.

“Skylanders Giants Frito Lay Sidekicks finally Here”

I’d say “only a few more days until Swap Force”, but this relates to last year’s game. *sighs*

“Well son of a gun, I don’t wander into the junk food aisles anymore” Bullcrap! You’re constantly talking about junk food, and you have junk food in a lot of videos. Quit trying to excuse why you don’t hear certain bits of news.

“Adventure Time’s Custom LEGO BMO as Functional Linux Computer”

Is the reason he keeps talking about BMO is because it’s a video game console and he’s trying to still keep up this image that he’s a gamer? *shrugs*

“Having a Linux computer as the operating system, this guy can play video, video games, web surf, and more!” Wow! Just like… every other fucking operating system out there.

“Superman vs Batman – Larry David as Mister Mxyzptlk Rumor”

Nothing really wrong with the article content, but the picture… For some reason, Bores took an image of Larry David in a purple suit (probably from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm) then poorly drew a bowler hat on top of him. Oh and it has a watermark. Did you really have to go to this much effort to report a RUMOR? Just post a picture of Larry David, it’s not that hard.

Other stories:
“Thor Dark World LEGO Poster promotes Marvel Super Heroes Asgard DLC”

Stories from October 10th 2013

“Angry Birds Cartoons – Season 1, Volume 1 DVD, Blu-ray announced”

You know, the past 24 hours had announcements like “Final Fantasy VI remake for iOS, and it uses the same awful graphics as FFV iOS” and “Grand Theft Auto V coming to PC”. But he opens with god damn Angry Birds.

“Dear Lord, Angry Birds has now bombarded the home movies market.” Actually, this is a cartoon on TV. In its native homeland of Finland, it airs on MTV3 (unrelated to our MTV), while here in the US it airs on Nicktoons (in Canada it’s on Teletoon).
“And yes there are bonus features” Reading through them, they’re better than yours!
“Excuse me now while I go wash my car off from Angry Birds droppings” Pointless random humor? … Yeah, pointless random humor.

“Star Wars Jawa Sandcrawler Soap”

… Soap. You’re writing up articles about soap. Are you serious?
I don’t care that it’s Star Wars soap, it’s still soap! You use it to clean yourself, why would you talk about this? Who the fuck would even buy this? Why would you think people would care about hearing this? Oh god, I think my mind is having a breakdown.

*goes for a long walk* That’s better. Surely the next article can’t be worse.

“Doctor Who – PREVIEWS Exclusive K-9 Plush, Woof!”

Damn it…

Wait, a PREVIEWS exclusive plush? Is he talking about that catalog that previews upcoming comic books? Is that still even being made? When did they start selling things?

“The dang things also talks! Wonder what he’ll say besides woof?” Hey dumbass, K-9 was an actual talking robot dog. He never said “woof”. Also, K-9 showed up in the modern series so you have no excuse to act this ignorant. Oh wait, you’re Chris Bores, you’re a moron no matter what.

Other stories:
“Pokemon Pokeball Engagement Ring”

Stories from October 11th 2013

“‘Breaking Bad’ Creators Offered $75M to Produce 3 More Episodes”

It’s over people! Let it go! It had an ending that tied everything up!

“I think 3 more episodes could be squeezed out for sure. After all, there are these things called hospitals that can revive cast members who have supposedly thought dead” Don’t insult the show’s ending like that. I know how it ends and I feel doing that would be just as insulting as creating a Scarface video game where Tony Montana survived the end of the movie and managed to recover at a hospital. … Fucking hell.

Bores also put an emoticon at the end to further insult our intelligence. Urgh.

“Pokemon Fans really digging new Anime Red And Blue Cartoon Series”

Wow! You are late, so very late, with this news. The special aired on October 2nd, the news about it is at least a month old.

“So there is a new Pokemon show out there” It’s not a new show, it was just a special. Though I’d really like it to be a show considering how awful the on-going anime is now.
“Might want to make me play pokemon yellow again.” Hahaha, that’s funny, claiming you’ve actually played a Pokemon game. We know you didn’t give a shit about Pokemon until you learned just how popular it is.

Oh, and Yellow? Why not that new game? You know, the one that’s coming out tomorrow, the same day you’re holding your little ghost hunting premiere? Oh yeah, X & Y! Pokemon fan my ass…

“Skylanders Swap Force – Wave 1 Checklist Buyers Guide”

Oh dear lord…

The article itself is just a checklist of the new figures and games with prices, not too offensive. No, the offensive part is the picture he included at the top. It’s a picture of him crouching behind his table which is covered in 8 new Skylanders figures still in the packaging. Looking at the figures in the picture, and the prices he included, he spent about *calculates* $104 dollars, and that’s not including tax! My God!

I’m sorry, but didn’t Chris say that he spent thousands on his ghost movie? I would think the smart move would be NOT spending over a $100 dollars on toys! And that’s probably not even all of them, he probably has the Lightcore and Series 2/3 figures. The former being $13 a piece, and the latter $10. Plus, he’s probably going to get the Starter Set for both PS3 and 3DS, each one costing $75 dollars. This is too much! You’re far too irresponsible with your money! You don’t get enough views to warrant crazy purchases like this!
Once the ghost movie bombs, Bores is going to be a lot of financial trouble. He may have to change his policy on crowd funding and look like an even bigger hypocrite.

Other stories:
“Lord of the Rings – EPIC 150,000-Piece LEGO Battle Of Helm’s Deep Build”

That’s all for this week.
There was a video posted, an interview with a local FOX affiliate in Toledo about Pursuit of the Paranormal. Just a lot of ghost hunting bullshit. What’s interesting is that Bores seems more interested in this stuff than he ever has talking about video games. Now we see where his true interest lies. Just give up the gaming thing.

But now, Pokemon X and Y.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Attention Defi- Ooh 80's!

Last week on “I’m spending so much of GotGame’s money and I don’t care”
No, stop, come back, I have video game news! See, look I’m talking about South Park The Stick of Truth! Now that I have your attention, NOSTALGIA! Wait, where are you going?

What will this week bring?

Stories from September 30th 2013

“Pokemon – Real Life Photoshopped Versions”

We start the week off with- wait. Haven’t I seen these before? *searches around* No wait, those were different “Real Life Pokemon” pictures. Man, how many times are people going to do the same thing?

I guess I won’t call ultra-old news… this time.
Still, Bores talking about Pokemon is so weird. Just like when he talks about GTA V.

“Game Boy Handheld Hard-Shell Carry On Luggage”

Okay no, that suitcase is just stupid. I mean really.

“Want to travel in style?” A very strange definition of “style”.

Oh, this suitcase is from ThinkGeek. Does that mean this post is a paid advertisement, or just more random garbage to fill space?

“Chuck Norris vs Super Mario Bros. Video Game”

… What year is it? Why are we still making Chuck Norris jokes? I mean really?

It’s another “cool video” post, but here’s a couple things about it. First of all, the video was posted LAST YEAR! This is old. Second, this is a video by Dane Boe (the guy behind The Annoying Orange), except he didn’t post Dane’s version, but a mirror of it that someone else uploaded. You could at least try to find the original!
Also, Dane Boe isn’t off the hook for making a Chuck Norris joke in 2012, he still deserves derision. That and creating The Annoying Orange. Bleh.

Stories from October 1st 2013

“Wii U Huge Freakin 700MB Update! Play Wii Titles on Gamepad Now”

Oh hey, actual video game news that’s current. Sounds like someone’s learning.

He brings up the new ability to display Wii games on the Game Pad, but the inability to actually play them on the Game Pad, and he says…
I looked up who Nell Carter is, and she was a singer/actress that was best known for a sitcom she did in the 80’s called “Gimme a Break“. Why this reference? Even by “nostalgia” standards this is pointless. Do you really think your 12 year old fans would get that? How is it you can’t report simple news without sounding like a Seth McFarlane reject?

Other stories:
“Wonder Woman – New Impressive Fan Made Trailer”
“Video Game Character Facebook Profiles”

Stories from October 2nd 2013

“Breaking Bad – Walter White Appears in Animal Crossing?”

“Not sure how Walter got into this game,” Because somebody made a Walter White Mii and started a new game with him? It’s not that hard to figure out.
“but there he is, complete with Meth lab and bunny partner… bunny partner? Wait a minute, something doesn’t seem right here….” All the other citizens in the game are animals, you couldn’t exactly get a human partner.

You know, this is the only time he’s ever talked about Animal Crossing, and it’s related to Breaking Bad. Maybe if you actually played the game you wouldn’t look and sound like a compete dumbass?

“World of Warcraft Legendary Pictures Movie Hits Theaters 2015”

God damn, 2015 is crowded.

“Well it looks like Video Game movies might finally be reigning supreme finally after years of not being taken seriously.” Not even close. Considering Paul W.S. Anderson’s Resident Evil movies are still being made, video game adaptations have a LONG way to go before being taken seriously.
“With Assassins Creed and more coming to the big screen” More? Like what? *looks up list http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_based_on_video_games#International* Yeah… I doubt any of these will be good. Just because Fassbender is attached to Assassin’s Creed doesn’t mean it will be good *cough*Prometheus*cough*.
“Here’s hoping for a Diablo movie soon after!” Let’s not go that direction.

“NASA Creates First Cloud Map of Exoplanet, Kepler-7b”

Who the hell cares? Do you really think your fans reading this want to hear about far off planets we’ll never reach in our lifetime? No.

He notes that the planet is bigger than Jupiter and says… this.
“I don’t know about you but I have the strangest feeling to go out to the driving range and hit a bucket of golf balls right about now” … That’s just you. Weirdo.

“Super Mario 3D World – Offering a Smorgasboard of New Power-Ups”

Bores went a different direction for this article, writing a line or two after a picture instead of one big paragraph.

“and it is power packed with new power ups!” Is he being repetitive to try and be “cute”? Or is he really that dumb?

“and a Mario duplicator item?! Whoa! Now you can play as 3 Mario’s at once?! Taking a page from Calvin and Hobbes!” Really? Calvin & Hobbes is the first thing your mind goes to when you think clones? Man, you need a wider reference pool.

“Guess we’ll be seeing her in Mario Kart WiiU.” He’s referring to the new damsel in distress for 3D World. Don’t get your hopes up. Also, it’s called “Mario Kart 8”, but you don’t give a fuck so why bother explaining.

Stories from October 3rd 2013

“Street Fighter Vs. Plants vs. Zombies Video Game Mashup”

Oh yay, another video he found.

“What do you get when you combine Street Fighter with Plants vs Zombies? Yeah I don’t know either. I just woke up.” Get it? Because he’s… tired I think. These jokes are so lame.

“Simpsons producers to kill off main character this season”

“Well looks like another character will be getting the heave ho.” You say that when they plan to kick off a character, not kill them off. Insensitive much?
“Is this another ratings grab? A cry for attention?” Yes. I don’t think you realize how irrelevant the Simpsons are these days. Hence why they do shit like the “Homer Shake” or episodes that parody “The Social Network” and “Homeland” (the former being two years late). Hell, the whole “Ned and Edna” pairing got a Facebook campaign. They’re that desperate for ratings.

“I’ve watched off an on over the years that I just found out that Fat Tony was killed off a few seasons ago.” But then it was reversed with the mother of all ass-pulls. Fat Tony had an identical cousin named Fit Tony who decides to take over the Springfield Mafia, but the stress of it causes him to eat constantly turning him into the new Fat Tony. It’s near the top of my “Worst Simpsons Episodes Ever”.

“Hmm who could it be? Jasper? Hans Moleman? Homers brother Herb?” No, Moleman dying is a running gag, and absolutely not. Especially not Herb as he had a cameo recently that revealed he’s poor again. He wasn’t even on screen, it was literally phoned in.

Then a random picture of monkeys fighting from The Simpsons. Whatever…

“Adventure Time – Impressive Homemade BMO Beemo Teapot”

No! No! You stay away from Adventure Time! It’s bad enough you talk about Doctor Who, I don’t need you bringing up this show!

“I watch adventure time randomly with the kids” You mean your girlfriend’s kids? Quit acting like they’re “yours” unless you’re actually the father. At least he claims not to be a fan… yet.

“Don’t ask me how you even begin to make these things because I have no clue.” Why do people do anything? Probably boredom, probably flashes of creativity, yet all initiative. Which you seem to lack considering you barely make videos now.
“I’m just a blog poster for cryin out loud.” I thought you were a film maker? Or was it a ghost hunter? Gamer? You don’t know what you are, do you?

“Legend of Zelda – Impressive Realism Link Painting”

“Pop Culture is definitely reflected in the art these days.” It’s like Bores is discovering fan art for the first time. Seriously, how big was that rock?

“I can’t even begin to know which fairy this is since they’ve probably changed her name a dozen times over the years” … There were three, and they were all different. Navi in Ocarina of Time, Tatl in Majora’s Mask, and Ciela in Phantom Hourglass. Every other game post-Ocarina had someone different. The King of Red Lions, Ezlo, Midna, Fi, and whoever will be the companion in the Wii U game. A Link Between Worlds seems to have a fairy, but we don’t know all the details so… we’ll see.

“another fantastic picture of a rodent destroying the city!” Are you sure this is Zelda related? I mean, it’s the same artist but the logo in the corner says “Legend of the Cryptids”. *looks up dA page* The title is “Groundhog Day”, so I don’t know where you got the idea that this is Zelda related. Are you pointing to the bridge?

There’s also a third picture of some fish looking humanoid using camouflage. Looking up his page, it’s also unrelated to Zelda. So, you found a cool picture of Link, then looked through this guy’s page to find other stuff but couldn’t find anything Zelda related so you picked two pictures at random. And now we know why videos never come out.

Stories from October 4th 2013

“Simpsons TreeHouse of Horror – Guillermo del Toro-y Opening”

By that title, Bores seems to think it’s a couch gag done in the style of Guillermo del Toro. Had he done his research, or even bothered to look at the title of the video, he would know that del Toro himself actually directed it. But research is haaaaard!

“Probably the best thing to come out of the Simpsons in the last couple of year.” Wow, your concept of time is just degrading more and more.

“Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds – Gets Further away from Original”

*reads through* Oh… this is pain.

“I got some hands on time with this title at E3” Take a shot.
“Link to the Past is my all-time favorite Zelda Game.” Sure it is, and your ass can talk to spirits and demons. Whatever you say.
“This was supposed to be an update to that game” No it wasn’t! It’s a sequel set in the same world! This isn’t like Ocarina of Time 3D or Wind Waker HD, it’s a completely new game. They even said that it’s not the same Link from A Link to the Past.
“but I felt all the changes might make this not for the better.” Like what exactly? I don’t know, he doesn’t say what bothers him. He just leaves a video and expects us to take his word for it.

Personally, I like that they’re doing something different. I like the idea that all items are available from the start and you get them by buying them, and you can rent them for a few limited uses. I like that the dungeons are in a non-linear progression, just like the very first game. There are people that complain “Zelda has been the same game since Ocarina of Time”, that’s a very uninformed opinion said by morons (like Egoraptor), but the fact is, they’re trying something different. Chris’ idea of change isn’t “new ideas or gameplay”, it’s “BLOOD AND BOOBIES HUR HUR”. Urgh.

“Megaman (Mighty No. 9) Title biggest Kickstarter Video Game in History”

*headdesk headdesk headdesk* Chris you moron! Mighty No. 9 is not a Mega Man game! It’s a brand new IP that is similar, and headed by Keiji Inafune, but it is NOT Mega Man. That is not Rock, that is Beck, and Capcom has absolutely nothing to do with this game. Capcom owns Mega Man, and others are only allowed to use it with their permission. Mighty No. 9 is a brand new, unrelated character that Inafune and his company can do anything they want with it.

“The recent Mega Man Kickstarter campaign called Mighty No. 9 recently closed and clocked in so much money that somebody at Capcom is sure to get fired.” Why would someone at Capcom get fired? I don’t think they care, especially since they stopped making Mega Man games.
Also, too soon Chris! Capcom Europe just had to lay off 50% of their employees! Not that you would know or care since you obviously don’t read video game news until it’s too late, or people post it on your Facebook.

“My jury is still out on what I think of Kickstarter” Pretty sure your stupid parody said it all… at least until you start your own after your ghost movie flops because you poured your ENTIRE BANK ACCOUNT into it!
“I can’t remember how many Megaman games Capcom has scrapped over the years” So you’re aware that Capcom is screwing over Mega Man, maybe you should put two and two together and realize that Capcom has zero involvement in this and it’s NOT MEGA MAN?!
“but this has gotta be shocking to everyone over there trying to push all this Lost Planet stuff on us.” Really? Of all the bullshit Capcom tries to pull, you point to Lost Planet? They’ve done far worse in the past few years! On-disc DLC, Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 only a few months after the vanilla version, Street Fighter x Tekken being broken, the Devil May Cry reboot, Resident Evil 6 being a massive piece of shit, Ace Attorney 5 being digital only, Breath of Fire 6 being a terrible iOS MMO, Deep Down being F2P. Capcom has way more sins than fucking Lost Planet!

By the way, Mighty No. 9 is not the biggest video game Kickstarter in history. That would be Ouya… and we all know how that turned out.

“TRON – Own a Street Legal Light Cycle for $55,000”

… Why?

“They don’t offer them anymore, but I’m sure you could pick one up on craigslist if you beg profusely!” So are you for or against begging? Make up your mind!

Other stories:
“Simpsons: Tapped Out App – Halloween Update Today”
“McDonaldland – Creepy Halloween Custom Figures”

That’s all for this week.
I swear, Bores really needs to learn how to pay attention.

No videos this week again, no surprise there.
Next Saturday is the premiere of “Pursuit of the Paranormal” in Ohio. I can’t imagine that too many people would show up. Especially since Pokemon X/Y comes out the same day. Nice planning Bores.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

IG Attempts the News: And We're Back

Things have been so damn slow.
That’s why I didn’t post an “Attempts the News” last week, there was just nothing.
For those that don’t read the comments, here’s why. Only three days actually had news, as Bores went to New York to visit Vicarious Visions, the developers of various handheld versions of Activision games, downgraded versions like Guitar Hero on Wii, Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 and the upcoming Skylanders Swap Force. Bores wasn’t the only guest as I learned there were other Skylanders YouTube channels that were invited, like “Skylanders Boy and Girl”.
Bores has done so much crap about Skylanders, that he’s considered in the same class as users that have Skylanders dedicated channels. Why doesn’t he just make a separate channel for this? It would keep it away from his child-unfriendly show full of curse words. But that would be logical and Bores can’t have that.

As for the three days that actually had news, there was nothing. Just pictures and a video, and none of it was video game related. Stuff like Superman’s logos through the years, or a part of Mercury that looks like Han Solo encased in Carbonite, or DBZ fan art. Just… a lot of nothing.

Hopefully this week picks up.

Stories from September 23rd 2013

“Conan O’Brien Reviews “Grand Theft Auto V” Clueless Gamer”

First story of the week is a link to another Conan O’Brien sketch. Is this going to be a regular thing now? What’s funny is that Conan does more Clueless Gamer sketches than Bores does actual IG episodes. Considering Conan has an excuse for not doing Clueless Gamer, I would like to hear what Chris says about his lack of output.

So yeah, it’s Conan playing Grand Theft Auto V. I get the feeling this is the most we’re going to hear about GTA V from Bores. He could surprise us though.

“Legend of Zelda – Awesome Wind Waker Themed Stained Glass Window Decals”

What’s this? A Legend of Zelda article that doesn’t whine about the series being “too kiddy” and how it needs to be bloodier and gorier? And it’s about the most “cartoony” Zelda game ever? I’d say he’s matured, but knowing him he’ll bring it up again. Maybe if he reviews A Link Between Worlds next year.

“Skylanders: Enchanted Hoot Loop offered by Gamestop”

More. Fucking. Skylanders!

“I’m not big on hats or repaints so sorry gamestop, you still don’t get my business just yet.” How cute, he’s trying to be like those hardcore gamers that complain about GameStop on message boards because they try to offer subscriptions, making it sound they won’t let you leave unless you buy one, even though they only say it once and it’s merely internet hyperbole. Either that or I have a GameStop that isn’t like that.

“GhostBusters 3 UPDATE News! Ernie Hudson Confirms, Bill Murray Not the Hold up”

“Today we’ve got a “Theirategamer.com” exclusive!” Oh, this ought to be good.

“I ran into Ernie Hudson over the weekend and some interesting news came out of our conversation about Ghostbusters 3. Seems that Bill Murray is not really the hold out on the production of Ghost Busters 3 that everyone on the internet is rumoring he is. In fact, Ernie revealed to me that some of the rumor mess was actually started by another reporter taking what he said out of context.” … Uh huh. You do realize that an actor isn’t the most reliable source for stuff like that.  What I’m saying is, don’t get your hopes up for Ghostbusters 3 ever coming. I doubt it will even be good.
Just don’t take what an actor says at a convention as fact, always take it with a grain of salt. That’s why I never told the Unfiction forums that actor Doug Jones (Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth) has been talking with the Marble Hornets creators about the upcoming movie after I asked him about Slender Man at a convention. … Shit! *hides*

“Gotta love some of the morons spreading misinformation out there.” … Does Bores have zero sense of irony? I mean really.

Stories from September 24th 2013

“Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Z – Gets Day One Bonus in early 2014”

Oh great, he’s talking about Dragon Ball again. Yeah, you lost your Dragon Ball fan card after you tried to defend the live-action movie before it came out.

“Folks that purchase a Day One edition will receive a code to download a special Naruto costume for Goku.” Eww, keep that crap out of DBZ. That’s a terrible pre-order incentive.
“I guess worlds are now colliding eh?” I direct your attention to Jump Superstars, Jump Ultimate Stars, Battle Stadium D.O.N. and the upcoming J-Stars Victory Vs. What’s that? They don’t count because they were never released outside of Japan? First off, shut up. Second, there’s mountains of rights issues involved with getting these games published in the West. Of course, this Naruto costume is weird since Funimation owns Dragon Ball while Viz owns Naruto. Must be a Namco-Bandai thing.

“Batman: Arkham Origins: Two New Characters Confirmed – Riddler, Lady Shiva”

Is it really a surprise the Riddler is in the game? He’s responsible for the collectables and artificially lengthening the game, of course he’s showing up.

Blah blah IGN blah blah Lady Shiva is obscure  blaaaah.

“Also the Riddler will once again be featured in the game along with his “Riddler Trophies” for players to collect in order to make you go insane trying to collect them all. Since I have a full schedule already, don’t expect me to collect more than 5 of those things. I’m a busy guy dang it!” With what? Throwing all your money away on a stupid ghost hunting movie that nobody is going to care about? Quit acting like you're so damn important that you won’t have time to do extra stuff in video games. Unless it’s Skylanders then all the time in the world is available for that crap.
Also, is it really a shock he never 100% completes  a game? The man barely plays most of his Neo subjects for an hour, like hell he’d ever collect all the Riddler Trophies in an Arkham game.

“Online Casino Gaming Beyond Card Tables”

That’s strange, I have adblock on for his site so I shouldn’t be able to… this is an article. This is something Bores wrote. Oh no.
*reads through* Oh… oh wow. This is such a sell-out move. I know he has ads for gambling sites but this… I can’t even.

“When most of us think of online casino gaming, our minds jump immediately to the games that exist in films like “Ocean’s11,”or in real life casinos at glamorous resorts all over the world” Why even bring up Ocean’s 11? Just… why?

Then he lists off some of the games available on this site he’s promoting. Chris, your fans are 12 years old. You’re telling them to gamble REAL money away. You call me out (in your mommy mask) for telling people to drink (in a game that you don‘t seem to understand), but here you’re telling people to gamble!  I just… I don’t even know now.

“Skylanders Swap Force Preview pt 2: Gameplay Mechanics, Giants Areas, Unused concepts”

Normally I wouldn’t bring up these posts, which are just links to videos on his YouTube channel. However, the “genius mind” of Chris Bores forgot to include the link. And like most mistakes on his site, he’s probably not going to fix it. Bravo.

Other stories:
“Super Mario Bros. – Dad Creates Mario World Themed Bedroom For Daughter”

Stories from September 25th 2013

“GTA V Earns $1 Billion In 3 Days? Yeowza!”

Oh, he actually brought up GTA V again. Looks like I was wrong.

This is probably the laziest article he’s ever done. Because he only wrote one part.

“It took 3 days for GTA V to reach 1 billion big ones. But instead of my crazy remarks, Here’s Joel Johnson from joel@socialmonsters.org to add his 2 cents about this minestone event:”

The rest of the article is copy-pasted from what this Joel guy said. Why the laziness? Probably because Bores has never touched a GTA game in his life, and in his little bubble it doesn’t matter to him.
Oh and this story is old news considering it was five days late at the time of posting.

“Star Wars ‘Lifesize’ Star Wars AT-ST Walker For Sale”

Oh look, more pointless collectables that few people can afford.

He calls out the seller for calling it life-size, and points to the Star Wars Wiki to show he’s wrong. But Bores, I thought you said Wikpedia was wrong all the time? Sure, it’s the Wookieepedia, but isn’t that essentially the same thing?

“don’t worry we all do it. That’s how death stars are destroyed.” The irony of saying that everyone “miscalculates” while not even bothering to capitalize his sentences, or Death Star.

“Star Trek Teleportation Illusion Fools Mall Shopping Idiots”

Why are they idiots? Because they reacted positively to an illusion? If that’s your attitude, then don’t go to a magic show.

He also spoils the ending to the video where they show how they did it. Why even bother linking the video?

“And you thought I was gonna say David Copperfield didn’t you. Well your wrong!” My wrong? My wrong what? Oh wait, you once again confused “your” and “you’re”. Jeez…

Stories from September 26th 2013

“NES Nintendo Game Music Played Real Time By Piano & Robotic Percussionist”

Oh for the love of… he screwed up the formatting of the post again! The title isn’t in big white letters, it’s just a small blue link.

“Boy this would’ve been a real hit back in the old west.” … No it wouldn’t. If by some freaky chance this could be played in the early 1900’s,  nobody would care. It would just sound like normal piano music, people wouldn’t have any connection to it because THOSE GAMES DIDN’T EXIST! Just because Nintendo was around during that time doesn’t mean the games were.

“Heck, I need to put this stuff in the next western movie I make.” You’ve made a Western movie before? That must be a train wreck. Could you imagine a Western made by Bores? It would be the final scene from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly but with Bores playing everyone, and then references  to unrelated movies would happen.

“Hit the jump for the video of the system playing Super Mario Bros 1 – 3, Zelda, and uhhh, well that’s it. hmm wheres the love for Metroid?” He probably only wanted to compose music for those four games because they’re the most popular. Ungrateful bastard.

“Super Mario Statue – Tanookie Suit Plumber Exclusive from SMB3”

Couple of things. One, there’s no “e” in Tanooki. However, I’ll let this slide as the “First 4 Figures” site also got it wrong by calling it “Tanook” (only once though). Two, this isn’t based on the Super Mario Bros. 3 Mario. This is clearly based on the Super Mario 3D Land one, another game where you wear the Tanooki Suit. It clearly says in the product description it’s based on Super Mario 3D Land.
You know, that game you played at E3 two years ago? You put it on your Top 5 Best of E3? Then again, you rarely talk about the games featured on that list. If I may digress for a bit?

2011 you only talked about Ninja Gaiden 3 and Sonic Generations (which you didn’t even play, you stole the footage and passed it off as your own). You never looked at Super Mario 3D Land, Kirby Wii (now called Kirby’s Return to Dream Land) or Kinect Star Wars (not that you could even play it in that tiny room of yours). 2012 you only talked about Injustice and Rayman Legends (after E3 2013 but that wasn‘t your fault), nothing on Tomb Raider 2013, The Last of Us, or New Super Mario Bros. U. You didn’t even bother with a 2013 list.

Bottom line, do you fucking research.

“18 Very Funny Grand Theft Auto V Glitches”

Another GTA V article? I know what’s going on now. Bores got out from under his rock and learned GTA is a massive franchise, and now he’s cashing in. He’s “writing” up a bunch of articles about it in the hopes that it will bring him hits and thus earn even more money. It’s the same thing people like Tobuscus, iJustine, or DSP do when they blind LP the hottest new games on the day they’re released. Only Bores is not smart enough to do something like that (if you think it’s a  skill problem, clearly you’ve never seen DSP).

“This video, compiled from a number of YouTube videos by AmazingFilms247, has some glitches that I should put in my game.” Oh wow! Hey Chris? Your game is out, it’s been out for about a month. You do realize this right?
Also, your game is nothing but a glitch. It’s a poorly programmed pile of puke. Controls are busted, there’s next to no enemies, gameplay is boring, and really I don’t see how adding glitches can make it “better”.
Here’s the thing, those glitches? They weren’t intentional, that’s why they’re glitches. “Intentional glitches” only exist in games that are trying to be meta (like Saint’s Row or that Matt Hazard game). You can’t pull that off in your shitty iOS sidescroller!
Also, it’s rather adorable that you think you still have some control over it. How much did you pay Mad Media Labs? It was probably too much.

I looked at the video (by searching it, because clicking it on his site means he gets referred and … that’s not going to happen). Most of those “glitches” are caused by cheat codes like “No gravity”. That seems unfair, and would explain why I don’t see them.

“South Park: The Stick Of Truth Release Date and Action Figure Goodies”

Holy shit! Actual video game news!

… Yeah that’s all I have to say about that. But wow, that’s a surprise.

Stories from September 27th 2013

“Mega Man – The Board Game?”

You know, I’m just completely numb to any stupid idea Capcom has now. I just don’t care anymore.

“Want a Mega Man Board game?” I think people would prefer a video game, but what do consumers know?

Other stories:
“Seusstastic Park – the Jurassic Park, Doctor Seuss Mashup”

That’s all for this week. Jeez, I wrote more than I thought I would.

Video wise, just more Skylanders crap. Only a couple more weeks until Swap Force comes out and he’ll shut up about it for a few months. Then they’ll announce Skylanders 4 and the cycle will begin anew. *sighs* God damn Activision.