Last time on IG Attempts the News: Make everything darker and edgier!
More jokes that make me look like a psycho!
Women are stupid!
What will this week bring?
Actually, before I begin that. I viewed a video from MatthewPatrick13 for his “Game Theory” series, explaining how YouTube works, the rise in Let’s Play/walkthrough channels, and why PewDiePie is popular. Last March, YouTube changed their method of promotion. Instead of going by how many views a video gets (which people could cheat by giving it a thumbnail with tits, only to have a talking head in it) to how much duration of the video is watched. The more time passes, the more likely it’s going to get promoted. Let’s Play/walkthrough channels manage to do this by submitting 10-20 minute chunks of a straight-forward with each part labeled, allowing newcomers to view the series in one sitting. Thus, they get a large amount of promotion (and it’s why notable YouTube partners have started gaming channels).
As for PewDiePie? He managed to get international attention. I still think he’s horrid though.
So how does this effect Bores? Well, Bores is no longer promoted like he was in the old days. Taking his fairly short videos and combining them with the infrequency of uploads, it’s no wonder that his views have stagnated and his subscriber count has dropped hard or barely moved at all.
You can view MatPat’s video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgMqhEMhVV8
And now, onto the “news”.
Stories on July 20th 2013
Well what do you know, he does post on weekends. Interesting.
“Donkey Kong vs. MC Escher Stairs -- Chalk Stop Motion Video”
Just a video he thought was cool.
The only thing I found weird was one of the tags saying “Atari”. I know Donkey Kong was released on the 2600, the 7800 and Atari computers, but most people associate DK with Nintendo since it‘s a Nintendo IP, so there’s really no reason to put that tag there.
“2013 Comic Con SDCC -- Magic the Gathering 5 New Commander Sets this November”
Stories on July 22nd 2013
“2013 Comic Con -- LEGO MARVEL New Characters Announced: Stan Lee, Ice man, Howard the Duck?”
A game with playable Stan Lee. Fucking bought.
“Most of it concerning all the playable characters. But first lets address the obscure characters” Obscure huh? Let’s see what your idea of obscure is.
“Stan Lee. Wow that guy gets around. Even in video games.” … Did you seriously just call Stan Lee obscure? The man is a legend! He’s responsible for creating a vast majority of the Marvel Universe. So to call him “obscure” shows me you have no clue who he really is.
He brings up Howard the Duck, and is annoyed because he can only think of the movie rather than the comic. Ever consider that the comics are actually good? Didn’t think so…
After a lame joke about throwing Howard off a cliff, he brings up Squirrel Girl.
“Wow, that one is so obscure I’ve never even heard of her” You call yourself a comic book fan? Squirrel Girl is awesome. She beat Doctor Doom and Thanos! And the former was the real Doom, not a Doombot.
He lists off multiple characters in the game, ending on Agent Coulson
“Boy those Marvel movies made him a superstar.” No shit, that’s where he was introduced. Coulson was an original character created for the MCU, and like Harley Quinn in Batman and Livewire in Superman, he was later integrated into the comic books.
“2013 SDCC Comic Con -- Superman and Batman Crossover Movie Now a Reality! Summer 2015”
You see, this is why you need to post on weekends. Everyone has already heard about this.
“So weird this news was released, especially since I mentioned that I wish I would see something like this in my Man of Steel Review posted a day before the announcement. Glad they took my suggestion.” Don’t act like an egoistical prick because you predicted something would happen. Just about everyone thought something like this would happen considering the success of the MCU and everyone telling WB and DC that doing a Justice League movie right out of the gate is a bad idea!
“And since they are listening to me, give me a Green Lantern reboot and a Flash movie while your at it!” Green Lantern is never happening again. Deal with it.
“Hit the jump to check out my Superman Movie Review where my soothsaying skills are top notch!” Again, this is why nobody likes you, you’re acting like a dick.
“The Beatles -- Where are they Now? (Artists Rendition)”
I know where two of them are. Dead. The other two are still performing in their own ways.
Actually, this is another “cool picture I found” post. Apparently it’s from the 70’s or something… whatever.
“2013 Comic-Con: Avengers 2 Titled Avengers: Age of Ultron (Different Origin Story)”
I’m actually glad we’re getting Ultron next. Putting Thanos in the second movie would be blowing their load too early.
“At the Marvels Panel” Do you even care?
“Now I know of this guy through collecting Marvel figures,” I’m such a big comic book fan you guyz! I read a lot of them… except I never have.
“But since Ant man hasn’t been introduced yet, Joss Whedon has confirmed the origin story will be all new” Or he could be lying. It’s been confirmed Ant Man is the first movie of Phase 3, coming November 2015. It’s possible Avengers 2 will introduce Hank Pym, setting up the next movie.
“2013 Comic Con -- Magic the Gathering: From the Vault Twenty (Jace the Mind Sculptor!)”
More MTG… huzzah.
“Oy! The price of this has already jumped up $50.00 dollars and it hasn’t even been released yet! You punks!” You mean the rare and powerful cards are… expensive and in demand?! Le gasp! More and more you show us all that you don’t understand the basics of economics.
He brings up Jace the Mind Sculptor and has this to say.
“Somehow through my Obi wan ways I can hear many people praising this card and cursing Wizards of the Coast over this all at the same time.” Your Obi Wan ways? What? What does that mean? Do you mean The Force? Quit slipping in references that don’t match up.
Apparently Jace is a controversial MTG card. Can you explain how? No? Fine, leave us all in the dark.
“Superman Man of Steel Review & Justice League Movie Thoughts” (it’s his video)
“LEGO -- Back to the Future DeLorean Set *DROOL*”
“2013 Comic Con -- Magic the Gathering: Next Block: THEROS -- (Elspeth now Center Stage)”
Stories from July 23rd 2013
“Arcade ‘Netflix-esque’ Type Rental Service New Available”
Looking into “All You Can Arcade”, I can see a lot going wrong. Especially something going wrong in delivery, and paying $75 dollars a month is just not worth it.
“Might come in handy when I record History of Video Games Part 6 which I will be producing later this year.” Give it up Bores! That series is never going anywhere, and you’re a fool for thinking you’ll finish it. Also, why do you need Arcade cabinets? Didn’t you say you were covering the Atari 2600?
“There is one catch though, certain area’s only offer certain consoles. Where I live I was able to pull up hundreds of machines,(…)” That’s…. impossible. I looked up All You Can Arcade’s site and put in the two zip codes for Sandusky Ohio, and neither had any machines available. I put in my own zip code and I can’t get any either. It sounds like something that’s only available in the California Bay area right now.
“(…) but I’m sure out in WallaWalla, Washington, There will be no rousing games of ‘Mappy’ for you!” I also put in Walla Walla, Washington’s zip code and they aren’t available there either. Also, the site doesn’t have Mappy. Do your research.
“But it’s a joke!” Then maybe he shouldn’t say he has hundreds of choices available to him when he actually doesn’t!
“Oldest D-20 Spinner Die Found -- Ancient Romans Played D&D and Magic: the Gathering?”
No. No they didn’t.
Actually, this story is kind of interesting. It’s a multi-sided die that scientists have dated somewhere between 304 B.C.E. and 30 B.C.E. Of course, Bores ruins it with his dumb jokes.
“Imagine the level their warriors would be at today! Try and beat my level 354 wizard! I dare ya dungeon master!” Ugggggh. I’m pretty sure these die were used for something else, not fantasy role-playing games. Maybe games of chance that have been lost to the passage of time.
“Very cool, just wait till I find one made out of dinosaur bone!” About as likely as finding buried E.T. cartridges in a field in Ohio.
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie Set Photos -- Ralphael in Disguise Pics”
Who the devil is Ralphael? Oooh you mean Raphael. See, this is why you should disable auto-correct on your iPad.
By the way, all these images are old. I saw them weeks ago.
“I guess this one might actually be turning out to be pretty good. Lets hope.” No. No it won’t. It’s going to be a train wreck. All hope is lost, and I don’t see how it can get better.
“2013 Comic Con -- New Ghostbusters Toys (Proton Wand, Ecto Goggles)”
“What practical application do these things have in actual application in the field? I have absolutely no fricken idea but they look great.” They’re toys. If you seriously thought about using them for your ghost hunting… never mind. If you’re asking about in-universe purposes, they both seem pretty obvious. One is the gun on a Proton Pack, the other lets you see ghosts.
“Much better than the 80's versions by a country mile.” For $110 and $130 dollars, they fucking better be higher quality than toys from the 80’s.
“Looks like the Ecto Goggles will be available this August only on the Matty Website.” I’m sorry, Matty? Did you seriously give a pet name to Mattel? Nobody else calls them that Bores.
“Activision Now Plans on Releasing 2 Ninja Turtles Video Games this Year”
Activision milking something, what a shock.
I find it weird that half of the article’s one paragraph is normal, but the other half is in italics. He’s not even quoting anybody.
“But only available on Xbox 360 and Wii only?? Damn you Playstation!!” Why are you cursing Playstation? It’s Activision’s fault the game isn’t going to be on PS3. Hell, I’m curious as to why the game is on Wii rather than Wii U. Are you going to curse Nintendo for that?
“X-Men: Days of Future Past -- Official Posters Revealed”
“Superman Movie Sequel Titled: Superman vs. Batman? David Goyer Reveals”
Stories on July 24th 2013
“Arkham Origins: Mad Hatter Now Confirmed as a Villain”
“He won’t be part of the “assassins” group because that would be as crazy as bringing in someone obscure as Copperhead.” Is he calling Mad Hatter obscure? Or is he saying that making him an assassin wouldn’t make sense? Hard to tell with him. Also, quit ragging on Copperhead, what did she ever do to you? Personally I would prefer if Hatter was one of the assassins, he’d have stages similar to the Scarecrow scenes from the first game.
“And hey, if you want to really mess with peoples minds, make it look exactly like that Tom Petty music video “Don’t Come Around Here” and let Tom Petty play the Mad Hatter again. That will ruffle some feathers!” … What? Barely connecting obscure reference much?
First of all, the song is called “Don’t Come Around Here No More”. Sorry, I’m a stickler for song titles (it’s Baba O’Riley, not Teenage Wasteland). Second, that music video is nowhere near the worst Mad Hatter related thing out there. I point you to Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland with break-dancing Johnny Depp. That’s torture. Third… seriously what?
“2013 SDCC -- Bryan Cranston Crashes Comic Con as himself?”
I saw this a couple days before this post. That mask dives deep into the uncanny valley.
He references Cranston’s roles on Seinfeld and Malcolm in the Middle for some reason, then says he hopes they don’t spoil the “sexy series finale” of Breaking Bad. Okay, I haven’t seen Breaking Bad yet, but from everything I’ve heard, “sexy” is not a word I would use to describe it. Brutal, gritty, dark, those are accurate words. Maybe Bores’ ideal Zelda game would involve Link and Tingle running a meth lab in the Deku Tree.
“Street Fighter II “Best of Church Edition” Smacking Around the Rightous!”
Pretty sure there’s a missing “e” in that headline.
This is another video he saw. It takes footage from various churches and adds Street Fighter sound effects to them. … Yeah.
“I’m so inspired I can’t wait till next Sunday so I can duke it out at my church!” I thought you were a Buddhist? *researches* There are Buddhist churches, but they’re a specific subset, and aren’t available in Ohio. There are temples all over though.
Maybe the “Alan” that sent him that was Alan Cicco?
“Pokemon Rumble U: Another Figure Game releasing August 29th”
What’s this? Bores covering something related to Pokemon? That’s a first. Oh of course it’s the one that allows figures… like Skylanders. Of all the games that would get his attention.
“Marvel Super Heroes LEGO: Howard the Duck Reveal”
“After pestering Warner Brothers repeatedly the last couple days for a picture of a Howard the Duck LEGO picture, I finally got one from their PR people.” You didn’t do that. They probably just sent it out to everyone. By chance that you did, why would you want to pester them about it? Didn’t you say it was dumb and you’d only use Howard to throw him off a cliff?
“This character will no doubt be locked up until you can perform some incredible feat.” Collecting 50,000 studs isn’t really that amazing a feat. Especially if you have a couple multipliers on.
“Can’t wait to see what his special power is. (Yeah i know, insert your own joke here)” Oh that’s easy. *clears throat* Howard the Duck will defeat his enemies with the power of biting satire and bizarre parody. Just like the comic books.
“You Moron! Dumpster Diver Makes Paper Mache Sculpture From $40,000 Comic Books”
“Designer of Madden NFL awarded $11 million in EA lawsuit”
Stories from July 25th 2013
“Game Of Thrones 40-Foot Dragon Skull Created to Promote Season 3”
Promote Season 3? Way to be late for that! It already happened, it started in March and ended in June.
Oh I see, it’s for a UK only streaming service. They must be doing well if they’re able to afford making this. Hey HBO, maybe you could prevent Game of Thrones from being the most pirated show every year if you gave people the option to watch it on Netflix or Hulu, rather than force them to subscribe to HBO no matter what.
“What’s better than finding a dragon skull?” A live dragon?
“How about finding a 40 foot dragon skull!” That’s not much different, it’s only bigger. Is this even a joke?
“Baggage claim will love me after I steal that sucker.” And we can add larceny to your list of “sarcastic crimes”. When will he learn jokes like that aren’t funny?
“LEGO: Marvel Super Heroes -- Characters Confirmed! Gambit, Beast, Punisher, Elektra, etc”
He says Warner Bros sent him these images. No they didn’t, they probably sent them to everyone and you found them off another site. Quit trying to sound special.
“If they keep this up, they’ll have nothing left for DLC” Good. Unless the DLC is extra levels, then it’s pointless cash-grabbing.
“Donkey Kong Doctor Who Level & Other Random Pop Culture Characters”
I thought I told you to stay away from Doctor Who media!
It’s another “cool pictures I found” post, basically an artist edited Donkey Kong to feature other media. Bores posted the ones with Doctor Who, Adventure Time, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Nolan-verse Batman, and Alien.
He also wants someone to mod Donkey Kong to look like the Doctor Who picture. *sighs* Moving on…
“DC Comics --Flash Point Animated Movie on Sale Tuesday”
Ah yes, Flashpoint, the final major story before the New 52 reboot. That sure was worth it huh? *crickets*
“I cannot wait to see how this translates over to the tv medium.” TV? This is direct-to-DVD. If you’re thinking this is a pilot to a possible TV show, then you seem to have ignored the deluge of DC Animated movies coming out the last few years. Right now, all we’re getting on TV is Teen Titans Go and Beware the Batman. Nothing on the level of the DC Animated movies, or even the old DCAU.
“LEGO: Breaking Bad Video Game Spoof”
“Marvels Avengers 2 Movie News: Joss Whedon talks Scarlet Witch Costume”
“Super Mario 64 Video Game Mod -- Dad Creates Childlike Goombas For Son”
Stories from July 26th 2013
“The Homer Car: Company Actually Builds Replica”
I just want to mention that the picture used has a model dressed as Marge standing next to the car. This is why Simpsons cosplay just doesn’t work, it looks weird.
“Remember the Simpsons Episode were Homer designs a car for his brother Herb? Yeah it was Season 2, a very long time ago so I’ll forgive you just this one time in case you don’t” Considering most of your fans were born looooong after that episode first aired, it wouldn’t surprise me they wouldn’t know it. Hell, these were probably the same fans that said the Lady Gaga episode was “amazing and brilliant”.
Also, “…Episode were Homer…” Are you sure English is your first language?
“A Half-Scale Replica Of Vader’s TIE Fighter Finally Built”
“Is it time for the Star Wars Celebration in Europe already?” I checked and this is actually a thing. Stopped watch is right twice a day.
“Took them over 1,000 man hours and $20,000 to build. Not sure why they didn’t splurge with $40,000 and build a full sized one” Because that’s not how it works? It’s pretty damn big already going by the pictures.
“Very cool guys and an Irate hats off to you.” An Irate hats off? What? Are you a brand now or something? Or is this more of your belief that “if I add my name to something, that automatically makes it funny”?
“Ducktales Remastered Duckumenatry -- Wubba Duck, Flintheart Golmgold Revealed!”
“Batman Norman Rockwell Art -- Saturday Gotham Evening Post Covers”
“Skylanders -- Fryno Being Confirmed Next week?”
It’s Saturday, that means it’s time to post this.
Surprisingly, Bores seems to be laying off the horrid jokes. A little bit at least, there’s still lots of awful ones.
What horrid news will await next week? We’ll have to wait and see. I just wonder if Bores will upload something of substance soon.