Saturday, September 28, 2013

IG Attempts the News: And We're Back

Things have been so damn slow.
That’s why I didn’t post an “Attempts the News” last week, there was just nothing.
For those that don’t read the comments, here’s why. Only three days actually had news, as Bores went to New York to visit Vicarious Visions, the developers of various handheld versions of Activision games, downgraded versions like Guitar Hero on Wii, Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 and the upcoming Skylanders Swap Force. Bores wasn’t the only guest as I learned there were other Skylanders YouTube channels that were invited, like “Skylanders Boy and Girl”.
Bores has done so much crap about Skylanders, that he’s considered in the same class as users that have Skylanders dedicated channels. Why doesn’t he just make a separate channel for this? It would keep it away from his child-unfriendly show full of curse words. But that would be logical and Bores can’t have that.

As for the three days that actually had news, there was nothing. Just pictures and a video, and none of it was video game related. Stuff like Superman’s logos through the years, or a part of Mercury that looks like Han Solo encased in Carbonite, or DBZ fan art. Just… a lot of nothing.

Hopefully this week picks up.

Stories from September 23rd 2013

“Conan O’Brien Reviews “Grand Theft Auto V” Clueless Gamer”

First story of the week is a link to another Conan O’Brien sketch. Is this going to be a regular thing now? What’s funny is that Conan does more Clueless Gamer sketches than Bores does actual IG episodes. Considering Conan has an excuse for not doing Clueless Gamer, I would like to hear what Chris says about his lack of output.

So yeah, it’s Conan playing Grand Theft Auto V. I get the feeling this is the most we’re going to hear about GTA V from Bores. He could surprise us though.

“Legend of Zelda – Awesome Wind Waker Themed Stained Glass Window Decals”

What’s this? A Legend of Zelda article that doesn’t whine about the series being “too kiddy” and how it needs to be bloodier and gorier? And it’s about the most “cartoony” Zelda game ever? I’d say he’s matured, but knowing him he’ll bring it up again. Maybe if he reviews A Link Between Worlds next year.

“Skylanders: Enchanted Hoot Loop offered by Gamestop”

More. Fucking. Skylanders!

“I’m not big on hats or repaints so sorry gamestop, you still don’t get my business just yet.” How cute, he’s trying to be like those hardcore gamers that complain about GameStop on message boards because they try to offer subscriptions, making it sound they won’t let you leave unless you buy one, even though they only say it once and it’s merely internet hyperbole. Either that or I have a GameStop that isn’t like that.

“GhostBusters 3 UPDATE News! Ernie Hudson Confirms, Bill Murray Not the Hold up”

“Today we’ve got a “” exclusive!” Oh, this ought to be good.

“I ran into Ernie Hudson over the weekend and some interesting news came out of our conversation about Ghostbusters 3. Seems that Bill Murray is not really the hold out on the production of Ghost Busters 3 that everyone on the internet is rumoring he is. In fact, Ernie revealed to me that some of the rumor mess was actually started by another reporter taking what he said out of context.” … Uh huh. You do realize that an actor isn’t the most reliable source for stuff like that.  What I’m saying is, don’t get your hopes up for Ghostbusters 3 ever coming. I doubt it will even be good.
Just don’t take what an actor says at a convention as fact, always take it with a grain of salt. That’s why I never told the Unfiction forums that actor Doug Jones (Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth) has been talking with the Marble Hornets creators about the upcoming movie after I asked him about Slender Man at a convention. … Shit! *hides*

“Gotta love some of the morons spreading misinformation out there.” … Does Bores have zero sense of irony? I mean really.

Stories from September 24th 2013

“Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Z – Gets Day One Bonus in early 2014”

Oh great, he’s talking about Dragon Ball again. Yeah, you lost your Dragon Ball fan card after you tried to defend the live-action movie before it came out.

“Folks that purchase a Day One edition will receive a code to download a special Naruto costume for Goku.” Eww, keep that crap out of DBZ. That’s a terrible pre-order incentive.
“I guess worlds are now colliding eh?” I direct your attention to Jump Superstars, Jump Ultimate Stars, Battle Stadium D.O.N. and the upcoming J-Stars Victory Vs. What’s that? They don’t count because they were never released outside of Japan? First off, shut up. Second, there’s mountains of rights issues involved with getting these games published in the West. Of course, this Naruto costume is weird since Funimation owns Dragon Ball while Viz owns Naruto. Must be a Namco-Bandai thing.

“Batman: Arkham Origins: Two New Characters Confirmed – Riddler, Lady Shiva”

Is it really a surprise the Riddler is in the game? He’s responsible for the collectables and artificially lengthening the game, of course he’s showing up.

Blah blah IGN blah blah Lady Shiva is obscure  blaaaah.

“Also the Riddler will once again be featured in the game along with his “Riddler Trophies” for players to collect in order to make you go insane trying to collect them all. Since I have a full schedule already, don’t expect me to collect more than 5 of those things. I’m a busy guy dang it!” With what? Throwing all your money away on a stupid ghost hunting movie that nobody is going to care about? Quit acting like you're so damn important that you won’t have time to do extra stuff in video games. Unless it’s Skylanders then all the time in the world is available for that crap.
Also, is it really a shock he never 100% completes  a game? The man barely plays most of his Neo subjects for an hour, like hell he’d ever collect all the Riddler Trophies in an Arkham game.

“Online Casino Gaming Beyond Card Tables”

That’s strange, I have adblock on for his site so I shouldn’t be able to… this is an article. This is something Bores wrote. Oh no.
*reads through* Oh… oh wow. This is such a sell-out move. I know he has ads for gambling sites but this… I can’t even.

“When most of us think of online casino gaming, our minds jump immediately to the games that exist in films like “Ocean’s11,”or in real life casinos at glamorous resorts all over the world” Why even bring up Ocean’s 11? Just… why?

Then he lists off some of the games available on this site he’s promoting. Chris, your fans are 12 years old. You’re telling them to gamble REAL money away. You call me out (in your mommy mask) for telling people to drink (in a game that you don‘t seem to understand), but here you’re telling people to gamble!  I just… I don’t even know now.

“Skylanders Swap Force Preview pt 2: Gameplay Mechanics, Giants Areas, Unused concepts”

Normally I wouldn’t bring up these posts, which are just links to videos on his YouTube channel. However, the “genius mind” of Chris Bores forgot to include the link. And like most mistakes on his site, he’s probably not going to fix it. Bravo.

Other stories:
“Super Mario Bros. – Dad Creates Mario World Themed Bedroom For Daughter”

Stories from September 25th 2013

“GTA V Earns $1 Billion In 3 Days? Yeowza!”

Oh, he actually brought up GTA V again. Looks like I was wrong.

This is probably the laziest article he’s ever done. Because he only wrote one part.

“It took 3 days for GTA V to reach 1 billion big ones. But instead of my crazy remarks, Here’s Joel Johnson from to add his 2 cents about this minestone event:”

The rest of the article is copy-pasted from what this Joel guy said. Why the laziness? Probably because Bores has never touched a GTA game in his life, and in his little bubble it doesn’t matter to him.
Oh and this story is old news considering it was five days late at the time of posting.

“Star Wars ‘Lifesize’ Star Wars AT-ST Walker For Sale”

Oh look, more pointless collectables that few people can afford.

He calls out the seller for calling it life-size, and points to the Star Wars Wiki to show he’s wrong. But Bores, I thought you said Wikpedia was wrong all the time? Sure, it’s the Wookieepedia, but isn’t that essentially the same thing?

“don’t worry we all do it. That’s how death stars are destroyed.” The irony of saying that everyone “miscalculates” while not even bothering to capitalize his sentences, or Death Star.

“Star Trek Teleportation Illusion Fools Mall Shopping Idiots”

Why are they idiots? Because they reacted positively to an illusion? If that’s your attitude, then don’t go to a magic show.

He also spoils the ending to the video where they show how they did it. Why even bother linking the video?

“And you thought I was gonna say David Copperfield didn’t you. Well your wrong!” My wrong? My wrong what? Oh wait, you once again confused “your” and “you’re”. Jeez…

Stories from September 26th 2013

“NES Nintendo Game Music Played Real Time By Piano & Robotic Percussionist”

Oh for the love of… he screwed up the formatting of the post again! The title isn’t in big white letters, it’s just a small blue link.

“Boy this would’ve been a real hit back in the old west.” … No it wouldn’t. If by some freaky chance this could be played in the early 1900’s,  nobody would care. It would just sound like normal piano music, people wouldn’t have any connection to it because THOSE GAMES DIDN’T EXIST! Just because Nintendo was around during that time doesn’t mean the games were.

“Heck, I need to put this stuff in the next western movie I make.” You’ve made a Western movie before? That must be a train wreck. Could you imagine a Western made by Bores? It would be the final scene from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly but with Bores playing everyone, and then references  to unrelated movies would happen.

“Hit the jump for the video of the system playing Super Mario Bros 1 – 3, Zelda, and uhhh, well that’s it. hmm wheres the love for Metroid?” He probably only wanted to compose music for those four games because they’re the most popular. Ungrateful bastard.

“Super Mario Statue – Tanookie Suit Plumber Exclusive from SMB3”

Couple of things. One, there’s no “e” in Tanooki. However, I’ll let this slide as the “First 4 Figures” site also got it wrong by calling it “Tanook” (only once though). Two, this isn’t based on the Super Mario Bros. 3 Mario. This is clearly based on the Super Mario 3D Land one, another game where you wear the Tanooki Suit. It clearly says in the product description it’s based on Super Mario 3D Land.
You know, that game you played at E3 two years ago? You put it on your Top 5 Best of E3? Then again, you rarely talk about the games featured on that list. If I may digress for a bit?

2011 you only talked about Ninja Gaiden 3 and Sonic Generations (which you didn’t even play, you stole the footage and passed it off as your own). You never looked at Super Mario 3D Land, Kirby Wii (now called Kirby’s Return to Dream Land) or Kinect Star Wars (not that you could even play it in that tiny room of yours). 2012 you only talked about Injustice and Rayman Legends (after E3 2013 but that wasn‘t your fault), nothing on Tomb Raider 2013, The Last of Us, or New Super Mario Bros. U. You didn’t even bother with a 2013 list.

Bottom line, do you fucking research.

“18 Very Funny Grand Theft Auto V Glitches”

Another GTA V article? I know what’s going on now. Bores got out from under his rock and learned GTA is a massive franchise, and now he’s cashing in. He’s “writing” up a bunch of articles about it in the hopes that it will bring him hits and thus earn even more money. It’s the same thing people like Tobuscus, iJustine, or DSP do when they blind LP the hottest new games on the day they’re released. Only Bores is not smart enough to do something like that (if you think it’s a  skill problem, clearly you’ve never seen DSP).

“This video, compiled from a number of YouTube videos by AmazingFilms247, has some glitches that I should put in my game.” Oh wow! Hey Chris? Your game is out, it’s been out for about a month. You do realize this right?
Also, your game is nothing but a glitch. It’s a poorly programmed pile of puke. Controls are busted, there’s next to no enemies, gameplay is boring, and really I don’t see how adding glitches can make it “better”.
Here’s the thing, those glitches? They weren’t intentional, that’s why they’re glitches. “Intentional glitches” only exist in games that are trying to be meta (like Saint’s Row or that Matt Hazard game). You can’t pull that off in your shitty iOS sidescroller!
Also, it’s rather adorable that you think you still have some control over it. How much did you pay Mad Media Labs? It was probably too much.

I looked at the video (by searching it, because clicking it on his site means he gets referred and … that’s not going to happen). Most of those “glitches” are caused by cheat codes like “No gravity”. That seems unfair, and would explain why I don’t see them.

“South Park: The Stick Of Truth Release Date and Action Figure Goodies”

Holy shit! Actual video game news!

… Yeah that’s all I have to say about that. But wow, that’s a surprise.

Stories from September 27th 2013

“Mega Man – The Board Game?”

You know, I’m just completely numb to any stupid idea Capcom has now. I just don’t care anymore.

“Want a Mega Man Board game?” I think people would prefer a video game, but what do consumers know?

Other stories:
“Seusstastic Park – the Jurassic Park, Doctor Seuss Mashup”

That’s all for this week. Jeez, I wrote more than I thought I would.

Video wise, just more Skylanders crap. Only a couple more weeks until Swap Force comes out and he’ll shut up about it for a few months. Then they’ll announce Skylanders 4 and the cycle will begin anew. *sighs* God damn Activision.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

IG Attempts the News: No Purpose, No Direction, No Viewers

Last time on “What‘s an IGN?”
Whoa, video game news! Wait, most of these stories are extremely old! What the hell?

What will this week bring?

Stories from September 7th 2013

"IG NEO – Diablo 3 Console Multiplayer Review"

Link to his Diablo III review.
You can see the recap here:

“Simpsons: Tapped Out App Game – Added New Characters!”

Didn’t he do this article already? I swear he did. Maybe it was other characters?

“I haven’t seen too many recent episodes of the Simpsons but they have also added a Robot Robby Character (possibly from the show?)” That’s “Robby the Automaton”, a remote control robot featured in the Season 9 episode “This Little Wiggy”. After Bart found his operator outside the window, he hit him with an apple and Robby started strangling Skinner while yelling “CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!” Sounds like EA is scraping the bottom of the barrel for characters if they’re resorting to one scene wonders.

Stories from September 9th 2013

“Nintendo Drops Retail Price of New Mario Bros. Wii, Mario Galaxy 2 to $29.99”

And Wii Sports Resort. Don’t forget that.
*reads article* Oh, he didn’t.
But hey, actual gaming news.

“Every Nintendo Grade A product seems to remain around the $40-$50.00 mark. Mighty kind of you to drop it now that most Wii owners already have it.” These games sell, that’s why they don’t drop the price outside of specific retailers having sales. Now that they’re shifting focus to the Wii U, they’re dropping the price on major products and allowing more people to access their games. Basic economics, which you constantly seem to fail.

“Rarest Pokemon Card Up For Auction On eBay for $100K”

Oh yay, another Pokemon article. Let’s see how he messes this one up.

“The last one of these cards sold for $20k and was the highest traded card. This auction will attempt to break that record, and it could since the seller already got a legitimate offer of $47,000 from some sucker… I mean Pokemon fan” … Fuck you. Whoever this person is, he makes more money than you, and is actually a fan of Pokemon. Unlike you who makes sarcastic comments claiming to be a fan when you’re about as much of a Pokemon fan as you are a gamer.

Other stories:
“Justice League D&D Role Playing Custom RPG Action Figures”
“Skylanders – Pumpkin Eye Brawl Coming to you This Halloween”

Stories from September 10th 2013

"Star Trek Into Darkness – Secret R2-D2 Cameo Easter Egg"

“I just got around to finally seeing this movie over the weekend and low and behold” It’s “lo and behold”. Maybe you should look up how these phrases are spelled before using them.
“That JJ Abrams is one sly guy.” Or maybe it has to do with the fact he’s directing Star Wars Episode VII. Though it's quite possible this scene was shot before he was announced for that. Still, it’s not that “sly”.
Wait… *looks around* He did the same Easter Egg in the 2009 Star Trek. So it's probably just a running gag.

"Rayman Legends Video Game Review – IG NEO"

Link to his Rayman Legends review.
Recap here:

Other stories:
“Super Mario Bros – Playing on a City Sidewalk”
“Breaking Bad: Complete Series on DVD in Collectible Barrel w/ Los Pollos Apron! GIMMIE!”

Stories from September 11th 2013

“Street Fighter: Where are they Now”

Another “cool pictures I found” post. *zzzzz*

"Shocking, you woukld think tournament fighting paid better"
Blatant typo aside, money isn’t the reason the Street Fighter characters participate in the tournaments. Most of them do it to challenge themselves, while some have other motives (like Chun-Li). Hell, some of the fighters are already rich like Ken and Dudley.
“I also thought Cammy would’ve been knocked up with kids by now with those good looks of hers, but what do I know.” WOW! That is one of the most misogynistic, sexist statements I have EVER read! So because she’s pretty you thought she would be busy raising kids?! This doesn’t even have anything to do with Cammy’s backstory, you don’t say that about any woman! What the fucking hell?!
I don’t care how many years you claim you’ve been training in Martial Arts, Cammy would kick your ass until you tasted your own intestines.

“Godzilla: Teaser Poster Reveals Creature Partially”

Oh right, I forgot this was a thing.

“Since everything is being taken seriously in the movie realm these days, the newest Godzilla movie will be towing the party line to do the same thing.” Exactly how? How does this poster showcase that Godzilla is going to be “ultra-serious” or something?
“Yes we’ve come a long way from those black and white Gozilla movies where he battled every kind of crazy creature you could throw at it.” Black and white? Only two Godzilla movies were black and white, the rest were all in color. Have you actually watched a Godzilla movie?
“Alas, Godzilla will be rebooted in 2014 and a teaser poster has been released to show off how bad ass his tail will look like. Expect a picture of how bad ass his knees look next! Ooooo!” You’re not funny. Also, they’re building him up. If they reveal him right away, then people won’t see the movie. The 1998 American remake did the same thing, and we ended up with the CGI weakling Zilla. Bad example, I know, but that’s just how marketing works.

“Doctor Who’s 50th Anniversary Special Poster is Here: Day of the Doctor”

I thought I told you not to- You know what, screw it. If he wants to talk about Doctor Who, then fine. I don’t care anymore.

“The 50th Anniversary Doctor Who special that combines both of the most popular Doctors in one movie is almost upon us.” I don’t see Tom Baker anywhere in that poster, or in any of the press materials.
“Now a teaser poster has been released to turn us into more of a foaming at the mouth fanbase than we already are!” What is with the way you write? It’s really bizarre and inhuman, like an alien trying to mimic human nerds.

“Super Mario Bros. 30 Foot Long Knitted World 1-1 Scarf”

Do you think your fans really care about all these fluff pieces? At all? Maybe they want actual news? Hello? Am I talking to a wall?

“Wow, what a classy why to stay warm in the winter time.” Do you really want to be lugging around a 30 foot scarf all day long? *looks up at Doctor Who article* Never mind.
“Now all I need is a Mario frog suit for the summer and I’ll be all set!” Ew no, the Frog Suit sucks. Nobody wants that.

“Godzilla: The Face of Godzilla Revealed! Finally!”

This isn’t an official reveal, it’s a picture taken at a convention. You can clearly see someone’s arm in the shot. Also, why the “Finally!” in the title?
For some reason, one of the article tags is “poop”. … I have no words.

“And I for one hope that Matthew Brodrick does show up in this movie too just so he can get eaten! Take that Ferris! That’ll teach you to skip school” That’s not going to happen.
Of all the Matthew Broderick jokes you could have made, why Ferris Bueller? Why not make fun of his bland performance in the 1998 Godzilla? Oh right because his reference pool is ultra-narrow, I keep forgetting that. Also, you’re the last person that should be calling someone out for skipping school. You can’t even spell Broderick correctly.

Oh and ignore everything I said about marketing earlier. Apparently it didn’t matter. I’m just hoping that Godzilla isn’t CGI.

Stories from September 12th 2013

“Legend Of Zelda – Custom Themed Car”

“I love me some Legend of Zelda” Is that why you know nothing about the last decade and a half of Zelda games?
“The “modded” 1978 Ford Fairmont whihc looks like crap without the awesome paint job, was turned into a Zeldamobile” Ignoring the typo, I looked up what a 1978 Ford Fairmont looks like. It… looks like a car. I don’t understand how it looks like crap.
“according to Kotaku” Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. So you do read other gaming sites? Then why the hell are you so god damn slow?! Not even Slotaku is as bad as you!

Other stories:
“Monty Python And The Holy Grail’ The Serious Trailer Cut”
“Angry Birds – The 80′s Home Computer Game Version?”

Stories from September 13th 2013

“Grumpy Cat – The New Disney Poster Movie Star”

“Everyone loves that grumpy cat” I’m sorry, but didn’t you say in the last Grumpy Cat post you made that she was stupid and overdone? But now you’re making more posts about her? Granted it’s fan art but it’s still talking about her.

“Using some photoshop skills I’ve yet to obtain,” This isn’t photoshop, these are actual drawings. If it was photoshop, then the other Disney characters wouldn’t be reacting to Grumpy Cat and the art would not match. The artist might have used photoshop if these are digital drawings, but when most people think something is “photoshopped” they think that it was altered from an original image. That clearly wasn’t the case here.

That was seriously the only article he posted on Friday. Is the burn out happening now?

That’s all for this week. Surprisingly, we got three videos this week. Two were horribly rushed reviews, and one was confirmation that he’s a naive child that just wasted thousands on something that very few people would actually want to see.

Until next week, or whenever he posts a new review.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Ghost Hunting Crap is Still Happening. It Just Won't Die!

Well... Pursuit of the Paranormal is actually coming. After a year of silence, it's being released next month. See, this is why people give Bores a lot of crap about not releasing anything, he doesn't communicate! Irate Gamer Game? Took 3 years with zero progress updates because nobody said anything! This ghost hunting crap? Took a long ass time because he wouldn't say anything!

Anyway, "Pursuit of the Paranormal" is the follow-up to Haunted Investigators but in movie format. Supposedly, he got a long conversation with a real ghost. Of course, I am calling double bullshit on this.

How do I know it's coming? He posted a video on it. A vlog where he discusses why it took so long and when it's coming. Chris says the reason it took so long as that he wanted to get it on TV so he went to various TV conventions and talked to networks that were possibly "interested". Listing Tru TV, Discovery, Netflix, and SyFy (I hate that spelling). However, nobody wanted it (probably because they did research on Chris Bores).
Oh and Bores mentioned that he spent thousands of dollars of his own money, emptying his bank account and all to do this. He even brings up Kickstarter but said he didn't want to do it. Obviously not because it would make you look like the world's biggest fucking hypocrite. That hasn't stopped your other instances of hypocrisy but............................

So instead of TV, he's going to show it in a "spooooky" theater in Toledo, Ohio on October 12th. Not only will he show the movie, he'll host a "ghost hunt" of the place. ... Am I being trolled right now?
I get the feeling very few people will actually show up to this thing, even less for the ghost hunt part.  By the way, nice job scheduling the same day Pokemon X & Y comes out, losing you the gaming/paranormal crossover audience you have. ... All three of them.

But Danarchy, what if I don't live in Ohio and don't want to waste hundreds of dollars to go there and see what's obviously going to be a piece of shit? Don't worry, the DVD comes out October 22nd. If you're brave enough (or rather, sharp enough to stay awake) then you can get it and do a riff on it. I remember reading on Phelous' Twitter a while ago that he's interested in reviewing it. Probably sarcasm though.

Well, the video did answer one question. It gave us an answer for the long absences, he was supposedly at TV conventions. Here's a counter-question though, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THIS? We would have understood and not given you so much shit for not releasing videos. Okay to be fair, would not doing these conventions have been any different from your previous schedules where you still barely released videos without any reason? Nobody wins either way.

I'm still hoping this is all a giant joke and the "documentary" ends up being like the movie Grave Encounters.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

No Arms and Legs? That's Rayman. No Effort? That's Chris Bores.

*stretches* Huh? Another video already? And it’s another Neo episode? Wow, that was fast.

He’ll be talking about Rayman Legends, which came out 7 days ago here in North America. Meaning this review is going to be rushed and crappy. *looks at time* It’s only two minutes long so I am correct in my assumption.


0:06 - 0:38:  IG opens the video telling us he’ll be looking at “Raymin Legends”. Yeah he has a weird pronunciation of Rayman. At least he’s looking at the Wii U version, meaning he has a Wii U now. GotGame must be so glad they’re wasting money on him.

He mentions he played it at E3. Take a shot!
He follows that saying that he had trouble figuring out what to do at first because he didn’t know to find the “trapped blue guys” (you mean the Teensies?) which unlock other parts of the game. Does the game not explain this or something?

0:39 - 1:16: “Now this might be geared towards kids” Oh screw you! Rayman has way more charm and class than any of those “gritty gritty bang bang” shooters that insecure “adults” like to champion as the pinnacle of maturity.
But he follows that up saying “older generations” will like the challenge or something. Then he dies and we get a forced anger shot of him.

“Plus, if you have the Nintendo Wii version” WII U! Not Wii! Wii U! Look, if you’re trying to be hardcore, get it fucking right. Still, I also blame Nintendo for giving it the stupidest fucking name ever. This is a pretty big reason sales are low, because the public is stupid and doesn’t realize that it’s an all new console. They still think it’s an accessory for the Wii, and again I blame Nintendo for doing a poor job marketing it.
But again, Bores is at fault for being as dumb as the unwashed masses.
He then mentions how a fifth player can use the GamePad’s touch screen to move things around. Then highlights the fact it’s a five player game with an effect showing four IG’s in different boxes in the corner messing with the GamePad. Ignoring that the Wii U can only handle one GamePad at a time, I’m wondering why one of the IG’s has an eye patch. It’s completely out of nowhere.
Just as out of nowhere as the Evil Gamer being the fifth player and acting really obnoxious. Twice in a row! What is with all the Evil Gamer appearances? It doesn’t make sense!

1:17 - 1:47: He says there’s “so much to do in the game” but doesn’t say what there is to do. As per usual.
He likes the graphics, the gameplay, and that there’s a ton of unlockable characters  Then we get a bit where he goes all the way to the end and sees the last character requires a million Lums to unlock and… yeah it’s pointless.
He also says it’s “great for kids”. Oh my god nobody cares! Oh wait, I forgot your audience is all kids. Wait no, kids today can get away with playing M-Rated games because the unwashed masses don’t care about ESRB ratings. People still think video games are toys so parents buy their kids the most violent games possible without a care in the world. We’re raising a generation of screwed up kids.

The video ends with IG acknowledging that he’s reviewing “kid-oriented games” a lot, but he can’t help it because they’re so fun. That’s the point you dumbass! It doesn’t matter if a game is for kids or adults, all that matters if it’s fun! If you need to assert your “maturity” because you like to play Mario or Pokemon or Rayman, then you’re insecure!

Blah review was blah.
He didn’t really say anything about the game outside of “it’s fun, and for kids”. Since he never played Origins, I doubt he would find comparisons between the two. Either way, all he’s doing is mind-numbing nothingness.
Oh and of course he didn’t beat the game. Hell, according to Micharon (one of my readers), he didn’t get past the first boss of Diablo III. This would explain how he managed to get both reviews out in a short time.

I think back to what he said in his Injustice review, about how he “saviors” a game. I imagine that’s a load of crap. He plays enough of a game to get footage for a short review then never looks back at it again. Hell, his “gaming room” isn’t a room, it’s a set. A set that he only goes to when he gets off his lazy ass and decides “I should probably do that thing I do for YouTube.”

Seriously, what’s with all the Evil Gamer appearances? Is it a tie-in to his iOS game? Which he hasn’t said a damn thing about? Funny how he was hyping it, but then the game came out and now he won’t say anything outside of a response on Facebook about “bug fixes”. Pfffffffft.

EDIT: I just noticed he did the Diablo III and Rayman Legends reviews at the same time. He's wearing the same shirt in both videos. Is this a new thing now? Knocking out as many Neo reviews as possible, even if it means filming them all at the same time?

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Diving Into Hell to Face Diablo III

Seems I was wrong about Swap Force being the next review, and yet I was right about a Diablo III review happening at some point.

One can argue that the console version of Diablo III is better than the PC version, simply for having conveniences that in this day & age are almost considered luxuries. No online connection required? Check. Local multiplayer? Check (PC version has no LAN). No broken auction house? Check. An offline mode is a pretty big deal considering the online DRM caused major shitstorms when the PC version was released last year.

So now to see Bores attempt to review it. Will it show effort like the Disney Infinity review? Well, it’s not an action figure game, and the video is only two and a half minutes long… this is probably going to blow.

What’s interesting is that he calls it a “Multiplayer review”. Does Bores actually go online? I’m aware Diablo III Console has local multiplayer, but we know Bores has no friends to play with so online is his only option really.


0:05 - 0:12: IG says he’s going to check out Diablo III on PS3. Is it me, or is the game still in the plastic? There’s a reflection off it that tells me he didn’t unwrap it. Did he actually play it?

0:12 - 0:30: He mentions that this was released on the PC “months before” (try one year and four months) and that he feels he doesn’t need to explain the story or worlds because “it’s all been said and done”. No Chris, this is the first time you’ve talked about Diablo III, it’s your job to elaborate on important details like that. Don’t cop out and give lazy excuses.

0:31 - 0:54: He notes one main difference is how you “arm your equipment” and he read online that people found it confusing, but he felt right at home. *looks at equipping* That looks pretty counter-intuitive, wouldn’t it be easier to have something like Deus Ex: HR or Resident Evil 4? Where you can pause and see everything in your inventory instead of switching things around? “I still don’t see how you can make this easier” Like I said…

He also mentions that the “buttons are easy to figure out” and that was also a common complaint he heard online. He believes these people are “too used to the PC version”. Where are you reading these complaints by the way? You say you “read them online” but you don’t cite your sources.

0:55 - 1:22:  It then cuts to IG telling us that he remembers playing the first Diablo on the PlayStation 1, and then calls it a piece of shit. So your first experience with Diablo is a notoriously terrible port? Then why are you a fan of the series? You haven’t said anything about playing Diablo or Diablo II on PC, and you said at E3 that you purposely avoided Diablo III because you “knew” the console version was coming. What if there was no console version? You avoid PC gaming but somehow you’re a fan of Diablo. What are you going on about?

He says the controls are better here. Going to mention how they changed them from constantly clicking to more like an action game a/la God of War? Or how they added the ability to dodge attacks?
He then says the controls failed on him when he got “gang banged by a horde of zombies”. It shows him dying, then cuts to him giving a stupid face and face palming. Is that meant to be frustration? It looks more like you’re taking a huge dump. I’m sorry, I don’t like resorting to toilet humor but he’s not making it easy. He really does look like he’s constantly taking a dump when trying to be angry or frustrated.

1:22 - 1:57: IG begins talking about the multiplayer. He says that since the original TMNT arcade game, he’s a big fan of four player co-op. Then he mentions that one amazing feature is that players can join in at any time. You don’t play online much do you? That’s a pretty common thing now.
He then brings up how friends could betray you can take all your loot. Wait, did the console version re-add player killing? Because I’m reading that PvP is only allowed if both parties agree to it.
Then… *sighs* Out of nowhere the Evil Gamer appears and starts insulting IG, who does… nothing. Why? Why was this needed? Isn’t Evil Gamer meant to be somewhere else? Why are you playing with him? Is this in continuity with your stupid storyline? Are you ever going to address the Order Up review? Why aren’t you playing with your other characters? Why am I even asking all this? Your sketches are fucking stupid!

Onto his rating. What happened to final verdict?
He said it’s a good game, and if you’ve played the PC version, then only check it out for multiplayer since “that’s the only new thing”. Wrong. You can play offline (a big improvement over the PC version), and there’s no broken auction house. You should do some damn research since you claim to be such a fan. Hell, I’ve never played Diablo, and I did research.

Review was lame, as per usual.
Very little was actually explained about the game, and I really do question if he’s a fan of the series or not. I imagine the laziness comes from the fact the review came out three days after the game did, and we know how well those go.

I have no idea what will happen next.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Let's Do The Time Warp Again

Last week on “I don’t want to be Kotaku, I want to be a toy blog!”

What will this week bring?

Stories from August 31st 2013

“Disney’s Infinity – IG NEO Video Game Review”

It’s just a link to the review, with some of his thoughts written. It was posted on Saturday.
Onto the actual week.

Stories from September 2nd 2013

“Tomb Raider – Series 1 Minimates Lara Croft Crashes Ashore”

“Lara Croft is back with a vengeance ever since her game reboot came out earlier this year.” She’ll need it considering the horribly violent scenes in the game. Seriously, what the fuck?

“Transformers 4 – It’s Official, Dinobots getting Michael Bay-formed in 4th Movie”

Wow, news that actually came out that day. Strange how when it comes to “nostalgia” he’s punctual, but when it comes to video games he doesn’t give a crap. Someone’s got skewed priorities.

One of the tags is “my childhood raped”. Look, we’re coming up to the fourth shitty Bayformers movie, just accept that these things suck and will never be like your “precious childhood”.

“Irate Gamer Summer Sale Ending Soon!”

Now watch as he has another sale next month because nobody is buying this shit at “full price”.

“If you still are looking to fill out the rest of your Irate Gamer Collection” Now that’s a lame collection to have.
What’s interesting is that the image has his flimsy mouse pad when he no longer sells it. Strange.

Other stories:
“Skylanders Swap Force – Last 4 Skylanders Confirmed in Poster: Wind up Dune Bug Punk Shock”

Stories from September 3rd 2013

“Ducktales Remastered Gets Golden NES SWAG”

*clap clap clap* Wow Bores, just wow. Reporting this news almost a month after people learned about it. This is slow even for you.

“I’ve been loving the new Ducktales Remastered Game” Well, at least he finally acknowledged its existence.
“but seems like some awesome SWAG has come out of all this Scooge McDuck Hoopla.” I’m sorry, Scooge? What are you typing with?

“Capcom usually sends out some great swag from time to time, but this time has me drooling and foaming at the mouth, as well as cursing Capcom for overlooking this Ducktales promoting Irate Gamer!” Chris, I know you’re incapable of understanding this, but you are not important. You’re not big enough for Capcom to send out expensive items like this. You’re an increasingly-unknown hack that got somewhat big by stealing from people better than you and getting noticed by YouTube. You only go to E3 because GotGame drags you along, knowing you’re the only thing that brings people to their lowly site.

“Good lord, who do I have to kill to get one of those?” Join a gaming website you crazy loon. Not that any of them would hire you. Well, maybe IGN.
“Lousy Capcomians!” What? What kind of name is that? Be normal and call Capcom the same thing the rest of the internet does. “Morons”.
“They will rule the day they passed me by” Hey idiot, it’s “rue the day” not “rule the day”. Rule the day would imply they would win, not you. Did you actually pass that creative writing course in college?

By the way, the article ends with him thanking someone named Mark for the tip. Yeah, he didn’t find out this news himself, it was sent to him. Chris, do you not read news sites? All this info is available in multiple places. GameSpot, IGN, Shacknews, Gamesradar, Computer and Video Games, Joystiq, Polygon, Kotaku, VG24/7, Game Informer, Destructoid, The Escapist, Blistered Thumbs, hell even G4! They’re constantly updating with the latest info. See, this is why nobody is going to take you seriously as a journalist. You don’t go out of your way to find stories that actually matter. This site is really just your personal blog that GotGame is paying out of pocket for because your ego is too big for a Tumblr.

Other stories:
“If Ben Affleck can Play Batman, Anyone Can”
“Popular Movie Posters Redone in LEGO”

Stories from September 4th 2013

“Transformers 4 – Age of Extinction Movie Poster Revealed”

“Expect to see the Dinobots and all of them to look alike. I also wonder if the bad guys this time around will be the Dinobots and the Autobots must change their ways. Hmmm.” My question is, why do you care? You’ve said multiple times you don’t like Bayformers movies and in the last post (the one about the Dinobots reveal) you include a tag about it “raping your childhood”. I don’t get you.

“Batman: Arkham Origins For Handhelds Called BlackGate”

This is really REALLY old news! This was announced literally the same time as Arkham Origins for consoles back in APRIL! How the hell are you this oblivious?!

“Warner Bros is trying to cover all platforms for this next Arkham Release. Even for Handhelds like phones and Ipads.” Uhhhh, no. Blackgate is coming to dedicated gaming handhelds, meaning the 3DS and Vita. There has been nothing announced or planned for iOS or Android devices.
I mean, it’s bad enough that you didn’t know about this for months, but you didn’t even bother to research the story further. You didn’t even check if this was a phone game or an actual handheld title.
By the way, the only source in this article is a YouTube video from the Arkham YouTube channel (which was 5 days old by the time he found it) and at the end of the video it says "3DS and Vita". He couldn't even bother to watch the video!

Other stories:
“He-Man Masters of The Universe Custom LEGO Sets”
“Mighty Morphin Power Ranger Shoes?”
“Superhero Artwork – Batman, X-men, Spawn and More”

Stories from September 5th 2013

“Pokemon X and Y – 3DS XL Bundles Announced”

More Pokemon. Where did this come from? Did he jump on the bandwagon after seeing how popular it is? Is Chris one of those morons that determines a game’s quality based on sales? Like those idiots that saw The Wonderful 101 doing poorly and cried “I’m not buying it now!”

“There is some serious Pokemon playing that’s gonna happen come November” You mean October right? Because that’s when Pokemon X & Y is coming out. He even brings up the release date of October 12th. What’s up with November? Does he need an entire month to play Swap Force?

“Also released is the option in Pokemon X/Y to save their pocket monsters online this time around. So in essence, all of your Pokemon will now be half breed Porygons!” Wait, hold on a second.
So, he knows about Porygon and how it’s a virtual Pokemon. Granted, Porygon was the subject of the most controversial episode ever and possibly a case of pop culture osmosis, but even that’s stretching it. Maybe he really is a fan?
Wait no, because his “joke” doesn’t make sense! The storage system he’s referring to is a 3DS app that stores more Pokemon than the in-game PCs (and allows for transfers from Gen V). If we go by that logic, all Pokemon in your PC are half Porygon.

“Microsoft’s Xbox One Console Releasing November 22”

WHAT THE HELL?! It has been weeks since Sony revealed the release date for the PS4, and you haven’t said a peep about that. But it’s only been a day since Microsoft revealed the Xbox One’s release date and here’s an article! I thought you were massive Sony fan boy Chris?
“The console was widely criticized at E3 for all the terrible features and restrictions. Some that Microsoft even has back peddled on due to the backlash of MS fans.” Wait, so he knew about the major issues and the back-pedaling? But he just hasn’t said anything about it? I don’t even know…

Oh, and like the DuckTales Gold Cart story, this one was a tip sent in by a fan! Is it that hard to visit news sites to get important stories?

“It’s the Old Fake a Meteor Strike with an HD-TV As A Window Game!”

That’s old? Oh you’re trying to be cute. It’s not working.

“Mega Man – The Anatomy of the Blue Bomber Statue”

“After seeing this picture, i was scarred for life”
Ha, wuss. I’ve seen things that would melt your brain.
“The detail is pretty darn amazing,. I know I couldn’t replicate this even if I tried!” … I’ll leave this one alone.

Say, you know what’s worth talking about right now? Mighty No. 9! Going to say anything about that Bores?

Other stories:
“Retro Nintendo Zapper Chandelier – Duck Hunt From Your Ceiling”

Stories from September 6th 2013

“RoboCop Movie Reboot Trailer Actually Looks Cool”

No… no it doesn’t. It looks so bland, and cookie cutter, and PG-13. I mean, a car bomb kills Murphy? What the hell?
At first, the suit looked fine, but then they make it black and now it looks horrid. They bring in his family even though the whole point of the original is that he was alone, and declared dead.
Really, it just looks way too generic. Like the Total Recall remake.

“And instead of sucking like I thought I might, this actually made me existed for the movie!” It made you what? So this movie is so powerful it willed you into existence somehow? Seriously, how do you cause that typo? Did you mangle the spelling of “excited” and auto-correct turned it into “existed”?
“Has hell frozen over? I will check with satan shortly,” You know, I’m surprised he never did this joke in his show. I mean, Devil Bores is a recurring character, and yet Hell has never frozen over. Just use his green screen and go to an Arctic area. Yes it’s lazy, but so is his version of Hell (it’s just a fire background).

“Iron Man 3 – Marvel Studios JARVIS App”

“This app will have tons of features and will help you operate your own Iron man suit if you ever get billions of dollars to build your own!” If you had enough money to create your own Iron Man suit, surely you wouldn’t use some cheap app to make it function. You’d create your own AI that’s a million times better than an app that does nothing more than access content from the Blu-Ray, act as an alarm clock, give you the weather, and post on social media sites. I did some research and that’s all it does.

“So take that Tony Stark!  I’m coming for you!” How cute, you think you could stand a chance against Iron Man. Well, maybe in your Gary Stu powered universe where you can beat the X-Men without leaving your seat. But in every other continuity possible, Iron Man would kick your ass so hard.

“Pokemon: A Massive Cross-Stitched Family Portrait”

“And just look at all those familiar faces in the bunch! Like, uh, Dweezle, and…Tam-Tam? You got me, I’m more of a Yu-Gi-Oh guy, okay?!” Oh look, I was right, you’re not a fan at all! I also doubt you’re a Yu-Gi-Oh fan either considering you never fucking mentioned it until now. But you have talked about MTG… a lot.
Also, Porygon is in the picture. You referenced Porygon the day before! I think you need to see a doctor, you might be suffering short term memory loss.

That’s all for this week.
Video wise, there was the Disney Infinity review, which was really just boring.
At least he’s posting gaming news now… months later. *sighs*

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Spoiler Images from Irate Gamer Game

As I and many of my readers have established, the Irate Gamer Game on iOS is complete garbage. Beyond broken controls, minimal variety, unexplained mechanics that backfire, failures in basic game design, pointless ladders, the list goes on.
Of course, none of us would actually pay for it, and why would we? We know from the Lite version that it's crap, and only someone truly brave would pay for it to review the whole thing.

Thankfully, someone was brave. Thanks to a fan that wishes to be called Uatu, we now have images of all the enemies and comic book cutscenes. Uatu, you are awesome, and have the patience of a saint (or should I say Watcher?)

First, here are the enemies and bosses besides the standard HAL Bot.

Here we have a giant HAL Bot. It may or may not be the same giant HAL Bot from the Power Rangers review. It probably isn't.

Here's a stronger HAL Bot, because it's purple. The creativity just oozes off the screen.

Here's the Evil Gamer, looking just as crappy as his "good" counterpart.

Here's R.O.B, even though I thought he was supposed to be a good guy now. Though this is likely a different R.O.B. (see cutscenes below).

Hard to tell, but this is the Shadow Overlord. That's a great design, a completely black picture.

Now, here are all the game's comic book cutscenes.

Here's the opening and the game's story. For someone that complains about flimsy stories all the time, this is pretty bad.

The intro to Level 11 with Evil Gamer and Shadow Overlord. We see EG is a coward, and Shadow Bores laughs at his own jokes (just like real Bores). "Snow him down" isn't even a good pun.

The intro to Level 21. I'm guessing this relates to a new power-up you get here. Also, a pointless Final Fight reference.

The intro to Level 31, where Chris tries stealth but then forgets about it. We also see a new R.O.B (see enemy screen above) and this one can talk. Apparently, he speaks in Portal quotes. I'm guessing Mad Media Labs added this because I doubt Bores has ever played Portal or Portal 2. If he did, it would look a lot like iJustine's LP.

The intro to Level 41. Oh, there's Ronnie. Urgh. We also have a pointless Sixth Sense reference, a pointless Super Mario Bros. reference and a pointless Mortal Kombat reference. Oh, you think this is bad? Hahahahaha.

The intro to Level 51, and we've reached critical mass on references, Duke Nukem levels even. Hell, one of them is the Duke Nukem line that 3D Realms took from They Live. Along with pointless references to The Shining and Dirty Harry (not even Clint Eastwood could make a Zapper sound threatening, unless he plans to beat someone's brains in with it).
Also, Shadow Bores only has his NES. Bores could easily do reviews of other consoles. Oh wait, that would make too much sense.

EDIT: I also wanted to add that this picture seems to confirm that Shadow Overlord doesn't have a true form. He's literally just a shadow. So lame... and unoriginal. There's so many villains out there that are just shadows. Like DC's Shadow Thief, or SCP-280.

The intro to Level 52. Is that a Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time reference? For those that haven't played the game (and if you haven't, go out and play it, it's awesome!), the story is told through the Prince regaling it to female lead Farah. All your actions are being described by him to the princess (you don't hear it, but it's implied that every wall jump and sword slash is part of the story). If you died, he would say "Wait no, that's not how it happened" or something along those lines. I'm guessing that this is another Mad Media Labs addition since he made it clear he never played The Sands of Time.
EDIT: Fixed the Sands of Time story bits. Thank you to Agarack for correcting me.

The ending. Only things go differently (including a different lame one-liner). Evil Gamer escapes and IG remarks that he did all of this... for his fans. PFFFFT HAHAHAHAHA. When do you ever do anything for your fans? You've always been about money, and this shitty game is no exception. Oh man.

So yeah, game still looks terrible. Only now we can confirm there's barely any enemies and the entire story is lame.

Once again, I would like to thank Uatu for willing to part with his money and managing to play through so he can inform us all of what it's in store for people that want to pay for the full version.
By the way, I don't think Bores is going to see much revenue from this. Apple takes 30% of the cut on every iOS games, and Mad Media Labs probably takes a big cut. Considering how few people are actually going to pay for this, Bores is probably going to see pennies.

3 years of development. Hahahaha.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Disney Infinity. An Infinity of Boredom.

Remember when IG Neo used to be the most common type of video he’d make (not counting E3)? Now, that’s also been thrown to the wayside, like I Rate the 80’s. Hell, he’s made more retro reviews this year than modern reviews. He hasn’t done that since he began.

Anyway, he’s going to talk about Disney Infinity. For those unaware, Infinity is Disney playing “follow the leader” and putting out their own version of Skylanders. Though unlike Skylanders, there’s more modes offered, including the ability to create your own games (like LittleBigPlanet). Plus, characters people actually recognize.
And since it’s a Skylanders clone, it’s no surprise that Bores is talking about it. You know, there were so many other games that came out in August he could have talked about. Splinter Cell: Blacklist, Pikmin 3, The Bureau: XCOM Declassified, Dragon’s Crown, Mario & Luigi: Dream Team, DUCKTALES: REMASTERED! Funny how he was so excited about that last one, but now that it’s out, he hasn’t said a damn thing about it.

Like his last Skylanders review, this was not posted on GotGame, but rather on YouTube. Probably because he knows he gets more views there and nobody goes to GotGame.

Neo Intro

0:07 - 0:16: He mentions how he got a lot of requests to talk about “Disney’s Infinity”. There’s no “apostrophe s” but I’ll let that go. Honestly, I’m not surprised this is something he got requests for.

0:17 - 0:44: IG starts off saying that it’s nothing like Skylanders, despite the use of figures and a base. That’s good right? Variety is the spice of life?

0:44 - 1:33: He lists off the starter pack’s contents (and right off the bat I can tell he has little content), naming each character. He has a really strange pronunciation of Sully (Soul-y?).
He notes the main hub is called the Toy Box and that it’s customizable.
“Maybe too customizable” That’s a complaint? I’m sorry, but where I come from, having lots of options is a good thing.

1:33 - 2:32: Not really anything bad happens here. He’s actually discussing mechanics and how the game works. Why can’t he do this more often?
“Since I’m a big fan of Pirates of the Caribbean movies” Then why didn’t you watch the fourth one? That’s what you said on your site.

2:33 - 3:23: IG reaches his big downside, you can’t use other characters in the themed levels. Meaning no Monsters University or Incredibles figures in the Pirates of the Caribbean stages and vice versa. Can’t really say anything because that does sound like a real complaint. Again, why can’t Bores be this way in every other damn game he reviews? Why is it only in these stupid action figure related games?

He ends with his rating.
He wanted something more like Skylanders where they all team up to fight a villain in the end. Had you paid attention to any press demos, you’d realize that wasn’t going to happen. I mean, you saw the game at E3. Maybe you could have asked “Is there going to be a villain?” or something like that? Also, if you really want a villain so bad, go play Kingdom Hearts.
He says kids won’t like it because it’s “too complicated” and it’s more for the “10-16” range. You’re underestimating how creative kids are Chris, they might love something like this. Where they can build and play with real life action figures and make their own games out of them. Even showing them to their friends.
Then he mentions an upcoming Jack Skellington figure. Whatever.

This was… surprising. I’ve definitely seen much much worse.
It was really more boring than bad. Even when he actually gives a crap and writes a real review, he still lacks charisma and ends up putting me to sleep.
Still, it’s depressing that he puts way more effort into these reviews of stupid action figure games, but everything else gets half-assed poor excuses of reviews, full of cheap gags and blatant evidence he didn’t even beat the game.

Hope you enjoyed his return to modern gaming, tune in next month when he talks about Swap Force. Oh, you’re expecting reviews of Rayman Legends, Puppeteer, The Wonderful 101, Grand Theft Auto V, Rain, The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD, Beyond: Two Souls, or Pokemon X &Y? Keep hoping because Bores doesn’t give a crap about anything else now.
Though he might talk about Diablo III Console Version. Who knows.