Saturday, September 7, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Let's Do The Time Warp Again

Last week on “I don’t want to be Kotaku, I want to be a toy blog!”

What will this week bring?

Stories from August 31st 2013

“Disney’s Infinity – IG NEO Video Game Review”

It’s just a link to the review, with some of his thoughts written. It was posted on Saturday.
Onto the actual week.

Stories from September 2nd 2013

“Tomb Raider – Series 1 Minimates Lara Croft Crashes Ashore”

“Lara Croft is back with a vengeance ever since her game reboot came out earlier this year.” She’ll need it considering the horribly violent scenes in the game. Seriously, what the fuck?

“Transformers 4 – It’s Official, Dinobots getting Michael Bay-formed in 4th Movie”

Wow, news that actually came out that day. Strange how when it comes to “nostalgia” he’s punctual, but when it comes to video games he doesn’t give a crap. Someone’s got skewed priorities.

One of the tags is “my childhood raped”. Look, we’re coming up to the fourth shitty Bayformers movie, just accept that these things suck and will never be like your “precious childhood”.

“Irate Gamer Summer Sale Ending Soon!”

Now watch as he has another sale next month because nobody is buying this shit at “full price”.

“If you still are looking to fill out the rest of your Irate Gamer Collection” Now that’s a lame collection to have.
What’s interesting is that the image has his flimsy mouse pad when he no longer sells it. Strange.

Other stories:
“Skylanders Swap Force – Last 4 Skylanders Confirmed in Poster: Wind up Dune Bug Punk Shock”

Stories from September 3rd 2013

“Ducktales Remastered Gets Golden NES SWAG”

*clap clap clap* Wow Bores, just wow. Reporting this news almost a month after people learned about it. This is slow even for you.

“I’ve been loving the new Ducktales Remastered Game” Well, at least he finally acknowledged its existence.
“but seems like some awesome SWAG has come out of all this Scooge McDuck Hoopla.” I’m sorry, Scooge? What are you typing with?

“Capcom usually sends out some great swag from time to time, but this time has me drooling and foaming at the mouth, as well as cursing Capcom for overlooking this Ducktales promoting Irate Gamer!” Chris, I know you’re incapable of understanding this, but you are not important. You’re not big enough for Capcom to send out expensive items like this. You’re an increasingly-unknown hack that got somewhat big by stealing from people better than you and getting noticed by YouTube. You only go to E3 because GotGame drags you along, knowing you’re the only thing that brings people to their lowly site.

“Good lord, who do I have to kill to get one of those?” Join a gaming website you crazy loon. Not that any of them would hire you. Well, maybe IGN.
“Lousy Capcomians!” What? What kind of name is that? Be normal and call Capcom the same thing the rest of the internet does. “Morons”.
“They will rule the day they passed me by” Hey idiot, it’s “rue the day” not “rule the day”. Rule the day would imply they would win, not you. Did you actually pass that creative writing course in college?

By the way, the article ends with him thanking someone named Mark for the tip. Yeah, he didn’t find out this news himself, it was sent to him. Chris, do you not read news sites? All this info is available in multiple places. GameSpot, IGN, Shacknews, Gamesradar, Computer and Video Games, Joystiq, Polygon, Kotaku, VG24/7, Game Informer, Destructoid, The Escapist, Blistered Thumbs, hell even G4! They’re constantly updating with the latest info. See, this is why nobody is going to take you seriously as a journalist. You don’t go out of your way to find stories that actually matter. This site is really just your personal blog that GotGame is paying out of pocket for because your ego is too big for a Tumblr.

Other stories:
“If Ben Affleck can Play Batman, Anyone Can”
“Popular Movie Posters Redone in LEGO”

Stories from September 4th 2013

“Transformers 4 – Age of Extinction Movie Poster Revealed”

“Expect to see the Dinobots and all of them to look alike. I also wonder if the bad guys this time around will be the Dinobots and the Autobots must change their ways. Hmmm.” My question is, why do you care? You’ve said multiple times you don’t like Bayformers movies and in the last post (the one about the Dinobots reveal) you include a tag about it “raping your childhood”. I don’t get you.

“Batman: Arkham Origins For Handhelds Called BlackGate”

This is really REALLY old news! This was announced literally the same time as Arkham Origins for consoles back in APRIL! How the hell are you this oblivious?!

“Warner Bros is trying to cover all platforms for this next Arkham Release. Even for Handhelds like phones and Ipads.” Uhhhh, no. Blackgate is coming to dedicated gaming handhelds, meaning the 3DS and Vita. There has been nothing announced or planned for iOS or Android devices.
I mean, it’s bad enough that you didn’t know about this for months, but you didn’t even bother to research the story further. You didn’t even check if this was a phone game or an actual handheld title.
By the way, the only source in this article is a YouTube video from the Arkham YouTube channel (which was 5 days old by the time he found it) and at the end of the video it says "3DS and Vita". He couldn't even bother to watch the video!

Other stories:
“He-Man Masters of The Universe Custom LEGO Sets”
“Mighty Morphin Power Ranger Shoes?”
“Superhero Artwork – Batman, X-men, Spawn and More”

Stories from September 5th 2013

“Pokemon X and Y – 3DS XL Bundles Announced”

More Pokemon. Where did this come from? Did he jump on the bandwagon after seeing how popular it is? Is Chris one of those morons that determines a game’s quality based on sales? Like those idiots that saw The Wonderful 101 doing poorly and cried “I’m not buying it now!”

“There is some serious Pokemon playing that’s gonna happen come November” You mean October right? Because that’s when Pokemon X & Y is coming out. He even brings up the release date of October 12th. What’s up with November? Does he need an entire month to play Swap Force?

“Also released is the option in Pokemon X/Y to save their pocket monsters online this time around. So in essence, all of your Pokemon will now be half breed Porygons!” Wait, hold on a second.
So, he knows about Porygon and how it’s a virtual Pokemon. Granted, Porygon was the subject of the most controversial episode ever and possibly a case of pop culture osmosis, but even that’s stretching it. Maybe he really is a fan?
Wait no, because his “joke” doesn’t make sense! The storage system he’s referring to is a 3DS app that stores more Pokemon than the in-game PCs (and allows for transfers from Gen V). If we go by that logic, all Pokemon in your PC are half Porygon.

“Microsoft’s Xbox One Console Releasing November 22”

WHAT THE HELL?! It has been weeks since Sony revealed the release date for the PS4, and you haven’t said a peep about that. But it’s only been a day since Microsoft revealed the Xbox One’s release date and here’s an article! I thought you were massive Sony fan boy Chris?
“The console was widely criticized at E3 for all the terrible features and restrictions. Some that Microsoft even has back peddled on due to the backlash of MS fans.” Wait, so he knew about the major issues and the back-pedaling? But he just hasn’t said anything about it? I don’t even know…

Oh, and like the DuckTales Gold Cart story, this one was a tip sent in by a fan! Is it that hard to visit news sites to get important stories?

“It’s the Old Fake a Meteor Strike with an HD-TV As A Window Game!”

That’s old? Oh you’re trying to be cute. It’s not working.

“Mega Man – The Anatomy of the Blue Bomber Statue”

“After seeing this picture, i was scarred for life”
Ha, wuss. I’ve seen things that would melt your brain.
“The detail is pretty darn amazing,. I know I couldn’t replicate this even if I tried!” … I’ll leave this one alone.

Say, you know what’s worth talking about right now? Mighty No. 9! Going to say anything about that Bores?

Other stories:
“Retro Nintendo Zapper Chandelier – Duck Hunt From Your Ceiling”

Stories from September 6th 2013

“RoboCop Movie Reboot Trailer Actually Looks Cool”

No… no it doesn’t. It looks so bland, and cookie cutter, and PG-13. I mean, a car bomb kills Murphy? What the hell?
At first, the suit looked fine, but then they make it black and now it looks horrid. They bring in his family even though the whole point of the original is that he was alone, and declared dead.
Really, it just looks way too generic. Like the Total Recall remake.

“And instead of sucking like I thought I might, this actually made me existed for the movie!” It made you what? So this movie is so powerful it willed you into existence somehow? Seriously, how do you cause that typo? Did you mangle the spelling of “excited” and auto-correct turned it into “existed”?
“Has hell frozen over? I will check with satan shortly,” You know, I’m surprised he never did this joke in his show. I mean, Devil Bores is a recurring character, and yet Hell has never frozen over. Just use his green screen and go to an Arctic area. Yes it’s lazy, but so is his version of Hell (it’s just a fire background).

“Iron Man 3 – Marvel Studios JARVIS App”

“This app will have tons of features and will help you operate your own Iron man suit if you ever get billions of dollars to build your own!” If you had enough money to create your own Iron Man suit, surely you wouldn’t use some cheap app to make it function. You’d create your own AI that’s a million times better than an app that does nothing more than access content from the Blu-Ray, act as an alarm clock, give you the weather, and post on social media sites. I did some research and that’s all it does.

“So take that Tony Stark!  I’m coming for you!” How cute, you think you could stand a chance against Iron Man. Well, maybe in your Gary Stu powered universe where you can beat the X-Men without leaving your seat. But in every other continuity possible, Iron Man would kick your ass so hard.

“Pokemon: A Massive Cross-Stitched Family Portrait”

“And just look at all those familiar faces in the bunch! Like, uh, Dweezle, and…Tam-Tam? You got me, I’m more of a Yu-Gi-Oh guy, okay?!” Oh look, I was right, you’re not a fan at all! I also doubt you’re a Yu-Gi-Oh fan either considering you never fucking mentioned it until now. But you have talked about MTG… a lot.
Also, Porygon is in the picture. You referenced Porygon the day before! I think you need to see a doctor, you might be suffering short term memory loss.

That’s all for this week.
Video wise, there was the Disney Infinity review, which was really just boring.
At least he’s posting gaming news now… months later. *sighs*


  1. Bores...A Yu Gi Oh fan!? Please. I doubt he even knows about Season 0 or all of the changes made to Yu Gi Oh Duelist. Also, he better stay away from Yu Gi Oh. He's so souless I doubt the Heart of the Cards would help him...

  2. About the Pokémon cross stitch story, he says that "This is a giant cross-stitch Pokemon scene created by Linda (aka Esponsas) features all 150 of the entire first generation of Pokémon", despite the fact that there are 151 first generation Pokémon (and yes, Mew is featured in the cross-stitch).

  3. I seriously doubt he's a Pokémon fan. If he does do a review of X and Y, I'm expecting him to Action Replay his way through the game like he did with Final Fantasy III. Now that I know what to expect from these news articles; I can expect them to get worse with each passing week. As for Yu-Gi-Oh: I think he's just feigning interest. Given that easily showed characteristics of a Sentai/Power Rangers villain in the MMPR SNES review; I think he would make a Yu-Gi-Oh villain that would make Weevil Underwood react with total disgust. Do you understand this, Bores? I am comparing you to Weevil, and Weevil is winning!

    1. He wouldn't be able to use Action Replay, since the 3DS is constantly patched to stop the use of devices like that and flashcarts. Since he won't be able to cheat, I doubt he'll pay it any mind.

    2. He did reviewed New Super Mario Bros.2, though.

    3. Just as well then. Still, he'll probably look at Pokémon Rumble U since he covered Disney Infinity (and was incredibly short-sighted on the idea of user-generated content; which is big in games right now); and he seems to be really into these video game/trading figure game combos.

  4. “but seems like some awesome SWAG has come out of all this Scooge McDuck Hoopla.” I’m sorry, Scooge? What are you typing with?"

    Maybe he's pretending he's Bubba. Or maybe he just can't fucking spell.

  5. A friend of mine made that Irate Slowpoke picture you wanted, and yes, it took him until Wednesday. THE IRONY.

    1. Geez, I wonder why it took Chris so long to make a goddamn video?

  6. You know, I hate talk to about her again. But her Deviantart account got deactivated.

    1. Oh yeah, she deactivated her account because of well... 4chan.

    2. That woman was such a nuisance. I still think her crusade makes no sense when both Transformers and My Little Pony are owned by the same company! That's like complaining about Spider-Man and liking the X-Men!

  7. Um, BatDan, would you mind putting trigger warnings somewhere in the update with regards to Bores' extremely tasteless comments about his childhood being raped? Yes, I know it's originally Bores' fault for putting a horribly, horribly tasteless "joke" like that, but certainly he'd probably say some sexist and triggering shit if I tried to get him to change the tag himself, so this is the next best option I guess.

  8. "And instead of sucking like I thought I might, this actually made me existed for the movie!"

    So he thought that he sucked and didn't exist? Well, he thought right and with the way things are, it's almost as if he doesn't exist anyways.

  9. At least he didn't call Tony Stark 'Ned Stark' or 'Tony Soprano.' You know, like when he called Bruce Banner 'Rex Banner.'

  10. (corrected derpy spelling version)

    “It’s the Old Fake a Meteor Strike with an HD-TV As A Window Game!”

    Wow... that's almost word for word the same title that Geekologie used for their retelling of this story. On the very same day too. Curious, that, aint it?

    Mind you, it seems Bores does want to be Geekologie at times, looking at these recaps, even down to the "being hopelessly late" factor with some stuff.