It’s the most cynical time of the year! That’s right it’s the E3 season! Or it was since by the time this will go up, E3 will be over.
But that doesn’t mean Bores will stop posting E3 coverage! Now with his site, he can do E3 coverage in one extra place!
Let’s get started.
June 11th 2014
E3 2014 – Metal Gear Solid 5 – Phantom Pain. Preview and Review
First bit of coverage is surprising, a site-only article about MGSV The Phantom Pain. Why would Bores cover this though? He has shown no signs of being a Metal Gear fan.
“I can’t show any footage from this game” He’s not wrong, gameplay was a closed door event.
“The opening scene showed the main hero Snake on a horse and the horse actually took a poop during the gameplay.” Really? That’s the first thing you bring up? This feels like a metaphor…
Also, something bothers me about the way he says “the main hero Snake”. Maybe it’s due to the horrible atrocities you’ll commit in the game?
“You must use your stealth to take them down which means riding sidesaddle, a new feature, and using a new power up which is a box.” …………… ……. …. Are you fucking kidding me? Did you seriously just call the box a “new power up”. Just… wow. Yeah, it’s clear now that Bores has never played a Metal Gear game in his life! The box has been a staple since the fucking beginning! Almost every Metal Gear game has had it, even Revengeance, and that’s not a stealth game! The only game not to have it was Ground Zeroes, and that’s just an expensive demo!
How can you be so ignorant to gaming culture? The box is one of the most parodied aspects of the Metal Gear franchise, along with its weird dialogue. And why are you calling it a power up? It doesn’t power you up, it just makes you harder to spot. I just… ugh.
“Yep a box. It is cooler than it sounds, trust me.” We know that, we actually fucking played Metal Gear games! Unlike you!
Then he brings up some other stuff like tagging animals and people, sending them back to the base, as well as the ability to build the base up. Just like in Peace Walker, but I really doubt Bores would know what that is.
E3 2014 – Gravity Falls Mystery Shack Shows up in Disney Infinity 2 Toybox
The site article and video description are identical, he just says he’s surprised to see the Mystery Shack in the game and asks about playable characters, with the PR guy not knowing the answer.
The video itself is a load of nothing. It’s only 35 seconds long, and just shows the Mystery Shack in the game. Boring.
E3 2014 Maleficent Character in Disney Infinity 2 – Exclusive ingame footage
“We were not supposed to put this crazy gal on the gamepad for the new Disney Infinity Games, but we tempted fate and you can now see her in-game, wooo!” What does this even mean? Who’s “we”? Why weren’t you supposed to put Maleficent on there? What are you even going on about? Why the “wooo”? You make no sense!
The video is more nothing. He shows the figure, and footage of Maleficent in the game.
“We’re breaking all the rules here!” Wow, such rebel, so lameness
E3 2014 Kirby Wii-U – Video game Thoughts Reviews, Stage 1 Beginner level
Unless the first level in the game is literally called “Beginner Level”, then it should be damn obvious that the first stage is the easy one! Also, it’s not a review! Stop calling these E3 demos reviews!
“I dig Kirby games and the newest one for the Wii-U is a different concept.” It’s not that different, it was already done in Kirby: Canvas Curse for the DS, nine years ago. Wait, it’s seriously been nine years since that game came out? Jeez I feel old.
And Chris, the game actually has a title. It’s not Kirby Wii U, it’s Kirby and the Rainbow Curse. It’s not like last time where Return to Dream Land’s title wasn’t revealed with the game. Take some fucking effort and do your job.
Anyway, the video is Chris saying it looks interesting and different and the rest is him playing the game. That’s not a review Chris.
The comments on the video are awful. Saying it looks like a terrible game for stupid reasons. One saying that it should have Sonic the Hedgehog. Damn kids… this is your audience Chris! Are you happy?
June 13th 2014
What happened Thursday Chris?
E3 2014 Kirby Wii-U Stage 2 Water Level - Video game Thoughts, Review,
No, I didn’t make a mistake. Chris seriously ended the title with a comma.
He opens giving his thoughts, saying he kept looking down a lot. Well yeah, it’s a title that relies on the GamePad to even work.
“If I’m playing a Wii game, I want to look at the screen” IT”S NOT A WII GAME! It’s a Wii U game! You really are no better than the confused grandmothers that believe Mario is on Xbox!
And the rest of the video is gameplay. Next!
E3 2014 Kirby Wii-U Stage 3 Tank Level - Video game Thoughts, Review,
Intro, gameplay… nex-
Oh wait, my informant pointed out something funny. Around 2:40, it sounds like the camera man is talking to his mom on his phone. Really Chris, you left that in? It’s not like people were saying anything important. If you were trying to retain the game’s sounds, then it didn’t matter because we can barely hear them.
E3 2014 Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker Wii-U - Level 1 Video game Thoughts, Review, Gameplay
Oh hey, he actually got the full title in.
*reads the description* “Here is an odd little title by Nintendo” It’s not that odd, people actually wanted it since they played Super Mario 3D World last year.
“I got super dizzy playing this title but others might enjoy it more than I did” Oh no, not this again…
Video starts with him saying he didn’t like it because it made him dizzy. Chris, go see a doctor! This is what, the 11th time you said a game made you dizzy? Ever consider that the problem is you and not the games? Even the top comment (at the time) is telling him to see a doctor. When your fans are noticing this, I think it’s time to schedule an appointment.
Rest is of course, gameplay.
June 14th 2014
E3 2014 Mario Maker Wii-U Level Editor Video Game Review, thoughts, gameplay stages
“I just got done playing the new Mario Maker” New? Was there an old Mario Maker? I don’t mean ROM hacks.
This is a problem Chris has. Instead of actually learning game titles or even knowing if a prior game exists, he just calls everything “the new X”.
He says the game is funny, new enemies… “anything you want in a Mario game”. Not quite… I don’t see any power-ups from Super Mario Bros 3, or Super Mario World. Maybe that will be revealed later but right now…
And the rest is gameplay.
EIGHT. FUCKING. SKYLANDERS. VIDEOS!
Just like the New York event from earlier this year, we got a deluge of Skylanders videos. Each one showing a single new toy, because making one long video would be too much work (or he’s doing the DSP thing and making a bunch of small videos for views, gaming the system)
There is now a Skylander called “Broccoli Guy”. … Activision, try harder! Or rather, Toys for Bob, try harder!
Oh and the intro to each one was recorded at his home.
June 15th 2014
E3 2014 LittleBigPlanet 3 (Multi 4 Player) Ps4 Thoughts Review Play through Game play
The video opens with Chris saying the multiplayer is awesome. Bores talking about multiplayer? What sorcery is this?! He mentions there’s different characters with their own abilities (something one could easily gather from the Sony conference) and… the rest is gameplay. My word that is weak.
Also, “multi 4 player”. You don’t need the four in there.
E3 2014 LittleBigPlanet 3 (Single Player) Ps4 Thoughts Review Play through Game play
Second verse, same as the first. Though I get the feeling this video was supposed to go up first since he mentions he’s a “big fan” of the franchise (yeah yeah) and the multiplayer video has a really weird abrupt opening. Plus, the video order on the site is different. *shrugs* But yeah he doesn’t really say anything. Rest is gameplay.
It’d be nice if he actually provided post-commentary on the gameplay, to further explain his thoughts. Of course, that would require effort and actually trying to figure out why a game is good, instead of just vague terms.
What I don’t get is that all the videos posted between the 13th and 15th didn’t get site articles until the 16th. What does Bores have against posting on weekends?
June 16th 2014
E3 2014 DragonBall Z Xenoverse Interview – Sneak Peak Coming 2015
Aw crap, he’s still doing interviews.
By the way, there’s no “Z” in the title. It’s just “Dragon Ball Xenoverse”. Though they might change it for the West like they did with Dragon Ball Kai. We’ll see what happens.
“Hitting for the Next Gen Consoles.” So this game is part of a baseball team called the Next Gen Consoles? It should just be “Hitting the Next Gen Consoles”
Bores asks about visuals, characters, story, the… ability to fight underwater. I am so sick of Dragon Ball games….
ANOTHER SKYLANDERS VIDEO
I imagine this won’t be the last one from E3 either…
The next two videos are about Hyrule Warriors. However, they were posted out of order so I’ll go by what he intended (makes things less confusing)
E3 2014 Hyrule Warriors Wii-U Nintendo Demo (Link Legend of Zelda Gameplay)
“This is the newest Legend of Zelda beat em up button mashers.” There are others? Can you show me? Why is “button mashers” plural? Does he not know about Dynasty Warriors?
“Looks like the best Zelda game to come out from Nintendo in quite some time” ………………………………......... …. Give me a minute.
*breathes deeply* Do you… have any idea what the Legend of Zelda is? I mean, you constantly whine that Nintendo isn’t doing a gritty Zelda, or something like God of War. Have you actually played a Zelda game since A Link to the Past? Or did you just play E3 demos and whined that they weren’t what you wanted? When you meant “gritty”, did you really mean “more action, less adventure/puzzles”? No, the real answer is you don’t know what you want. You open your mouth and let all this verbal garbage come out, trying to convince people that you know what you’re talking about. You try to show people you’re “in with it” by saying “Zelda needs to do this and that” when really you don’t know anything.
And yet here we are, with a major Zelda game that strays completely from the adventure formula and isn’t even developed by Nintendo (it’s developed by Koei Tecmo) and you’re all “best game in quite some time!” Chris…shut the fuck up.
Side-note: I am actually interested in this game, but not as a Zelda game, just another fun Warriors/Musou game.
Anyway, the actual video. Unlike the Skylanders swarm and LBP 3 videos, this one is actually at E3 (not sure why he’s being so inconsistent…) He’s talking into his phone, apparently as a microphone (I’m being told phones do have apps for that). Was GotGame too cheap to afford a mic?
He says the series needed something to take it to the next level and that “this is a step in the right direction”. IT’S NON-CANON! It’s a spin-off! Watch, Chris is going to get all pissy when the actual Wii U Zelda shows gameplay and it’s similar to all the other Zelda games.
Rest is gameplay.
E3 2014 Hyrule Warriors Wii-U Nintendo Demo (Princess Legend of Zelda Gameplay)
… Princess Legend of Zelda. Princess. Legend. Of. Zelda.
Well, there’s more proof that Chris knows absolutely nothing about this series. He seems to think Zelda is a last name, and her first name is “Legend”.
Seriously, why would you write it like that? It’s clear that he just took the Link title and replaced his name with Princess, not realizing it looks fucking stupid. Does he care? Does he care at all? Is effort dead?
The video has Chris in a completely different location now. Strange…
“You can also play as the Princess” You do know she has a name right? Her name is in the title. You know I just realized, Chris has never actually said “Princess Peach” or “Princess Toadstool” in any of his videos. He just calls her “the Princess”. Why not use their names?
Sorry, the stupidity of all this is hurting my brain.
Rest is gameplay.
June 17th 2014
A Skylanders interview
My informant did watch the video. Same bullshit as before. “Will the new characters have new powers?”. Chris Bores: Getting the hard-hitting answers!
For some reason he asks the PR guy what his favorite Skylander is. Why do you care? Do you think the people at home care? As far as they know, he’s just a guy that works for Activision to give interviews. Nobody cares!
By the way, on the day this was posted, I heard news that Activision will be licensing out Skylanders to other products like comic books, coloring books and… cereal. Look forward to several videos of Bores trying all out this crap. The cereal one will be the most detailed.
E3 2014 Sonic Boom Sega Wii-U Level 1 Thoughts and Gameplay
Oh goody, this piece of shit. It looks like a low-grade PS2 game!
However, Chris decides to go against the flow and say the game looks “great”, and that it’s a refreshing take on Sonic. … Did he just completely forget about his Sonic Unleashed review? Sonic Boom is fairly similar to Unleashed’s Werehog levels. Platforming, bashing bad guys… and yet Bores says this is okay? I mean, Unleashed was blah but it looks like fucking S3&K compared to Sonic Boom.
Rest is gameplay.
E3 2014 Sonic Boom Sega Wii-U Level 2 Boss Battle Thoughts and Gameplay
Bores says the boss got really tough. Okay…
I saw a video showcasing the game, and amongst the endless fucking chatter, there were three boss fights. All of them were the same (grab small enemies and throw them at the boss). Real creative guys.
E3 2014 Sonic Boom Sega Wii-U Level 3 Classic Racing Thoughts and Gameplay
He says it’s like classic Sonic and blah blah blah.
Chris, you are like the only person to say this game looks great. Everyone that’s seen videos or even played it just didn’t like it at all. The framerate is dreadful, the camera is beyond janky, people have experienced a surprising amount of glitches (moreso than most E3 demos). Is this going to be like Kinect Star Wars all over again?
Even chuggaaconroy, as positive as he is, said he didn’t enjoy playing this.
E3 2014 Sonic Boom (sonic the hedgehog) Wii-U Interview
Gee, thanks for clarifying it was Sonic the Hedgehog. Otherwise, I would have thought it was a game about the fast food restaurant.
Okay, I don’t think this PR guy knows what he’s talking about. He says they’re taking Sonic back to his “action-adventure roots” and that the past few games have been “action platformers with a focus on speed”. Uh… what? Those are almost all the Sonic games. The early ones were platformers with a focus on speed.
Yeah, that’s enough of that…
14 minute Skylander blah blah blah!
June 18th 2014
Sonic Boom - Sega - Detailed Look at Action Figure Line, Fall 2014
This is another E3 thing that was only posted at his site, and it just shows the Sonic Boom toyline. Yeah, it’s pretty clear what Sega is trying here… the game reeks of all the licensed game trappings of the past 15 years.
E3 2014 Disney Infinity 2.0 Marvel Battle Pack Sets Interview First Look
I find it strange that you’re so interested in Disney Infinity now since on your site you kept mocking it like “Does anyone even play it?”. Oh right, Marvel characters are in it… that means it’s awesome now. Or something…. I’m surprised there hasn’t been a video about Amiibo yet.
Wait a second, he has an actual microphone now? Then what was up with the videos where he was using his phone? Did GotGame finally spend some extra money to get him one?
Boring interview is boring…
E3 2014 Alien Isolation Video Game SEGA Interview
Another boring interview. I’m sure the game will be fine but I can find better info…
UPDATE: My informant pointed out something I missed.
The PR guys says the action takes place on a space station. Right after that, Bores asks if they'll explore a spaceship or something. The PR guy repeats the answer he gave before. My God, he's still unable to listen to the interviewee. It's been what, 5 years since that GI Joe interview?
His phrasing of the question is bizarre too. "Is the game playable on ships?" ... Uh sure? I guess if you bring your PS4/Xbone onto a ship, then you can play it.
E3 2014 Disney Infinity 2.0 Marvel Toy Box New Features Interview First Look
It still stuns me how word salad-y these titles are.
*reads description* “The girl from Brave” Her name is Merida. You could have taken 5 seconds to look this up.
Another interview, I don’t care.
June 19th 2014
E3 2014 LEGO Batman 3 - WB Interview First Look
And back to the phone… What is going on with the mics?
Boring interview… moving on.
E3 2014 LEGO Batman 3 - WB First Space Level Demo Review, Gameplay
And now he has a mic again. You know, we can tell the difference in audio quality between his shitty phone app, and an actual microphone. Why is he using both?
Blah blah follow-up blah blah new characters blah blah rest is gameplay.
E3 2014 Fantasia Music Evolved Disney Kinect Interview
Does anyone else even care for this game? I mean, I care for the company Harmonix, but I have no interest in this game. Having heard about the layoffs and corporate restructuring, the dream of a new Rock Band is dead.
Seriously? The PR guy is holding and eating an ice cream cone. You’re on camera doing an interview, show a little decency! I know it’s Bores, I know it’s for a site nobody knows or cares for, but that’s not an excuse to be unprofessional.
I don’t care about this game, I don’t care about this interview.
June 20th 2014
E3 2014 Magic the Gathering 2015 - Duels of the Planeswalkers Video Game Interview
Aw crap, another MtG video. I’ll go ask my informants if there’s anything worth mentioning.
Right off the bat he calls it “the new version of Magic the Gathering 15”. How is it new? Shouldn’t it be the “new version of Duels of the Planeswalkers”? Makes no sense…
The PR guy mentions that “deck building is incredibly important to us”, which is bizarre as the previous games didn’t have that.
Apparently, most MtG players don’t even play this version. They play MTG Online or third-party programs. Makes me wonder why Bores even brings it up every E3.
And with that, I believe it is time to post this. I apologize that it’s so long, there was way more content and bullshit than I expected.
See you all next Friday for the continuation.