Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Has Anything Been Happening? Not Really

It's been almost two weeks since Bores posted his last legit video. Since then... Skylanders mostly. But it's worth mentioning.

The first video he actually posted TWICE, the second version was shorter though. According to Harrod, it looks like he showed figures he wasn't allowed to show. That's TWICE he broke embargo now. Hey Activision, maybe you should cut him off since it's clear he can't be trusted. He's since deleted the first cut, but it was up for days.

The second video is about Activision sending him an exclusive figure. The Macy's Day Parade Eruptor. During this Bores feeds into his ego about how he got such a rare awesome figure, even though Activision probably gave them out to every Skylander coverage person on their list. If Chris had real connections, he would probably brag about getting limited CEs from Namco or 2K, even though everyone on those lists gets them too.
Also, didn't Bores say in his original Skylanders review that Eruptor sucked? Oh wait, that's addressing game mechanics, and Chris no longer plays the game cause that makes too much sense, and we can't have sense here.
If I may digress a bit, I do find it bothersome that Activision chose Eruptor over Spyro to represent the series in the parade. I mean yeah Spyro's redesign looks like he was beaten with the ugly tree (not a stick, the whole tree) but he's the character everyone knows. Then again, all the sequels ignored Spyro... it's like they just used his name to promote this new franchise, and tossed him aside when it became a success. Man, imagine if they did the same thing with Crash Bandicoot...

There are some other things I want to mention.

Last week, Microsoft released their documentary "Atari: Game Over" to Xbox Video. A couple weeks ago, Bores bragged that he was appearing in it. I was suspicious about this...
Thanks to Jospeh Nguyen, we can confirm that Bores does appear in it... for like a second.

There's a scene where they discuss the mythology of the Atari Burial Ground and how the internet has popularized the myth. Showing various video clips in a montage, including Bores and... oh ho ho ho ho ho.

Well well, look who that is. Kind of shows that Bores didn't watch the movie before telling everyone on his site to "go see it". Otherwise, he would know James appears. Bores would probably use that as more "evidence" that James is out to get him. I'd love to see him try and convince people of that. "James told the editors to put his brief clip after mine!"

Before I go, another note. I was looking through my old "Attempts the News" articles and found the one where Bores met Ernie Hudson at a convention, and claimed that Ghostbusters 3 was happening. Oh Bores, this is why you can only take the word of the creative staff, not the actors. This was before Harold Ramis had died, and before the announcement that the new Ghostbusters movie will have a female cast. Unless the new movie is in continuity with the first two (I hear it's reboot so probably not), then Ernie Hudson didn't know anything and Bores reported "false information". Along with a recent post where he asked Sean Astin about a Goonies sequel (at a convention) and was told "It won't happen in my lifetime", it shows that Bores is still stuck in the 80s and won't leave.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Thirty-Two Months Later: What Is Even the Point?

Why does Chris even bother with the “Irate Gamer” name these days? He never talks about video games, and he’s never “angry” about anything. Really, the only reason he’s still going is that it’s his only channel to have some sort of base on it. Even though the views on the Skylanders and ghost videos are appalling. Of course, Chris will blame YouTube instead of himself because he’s a narcissistic moron. I still don’t understand how people believe that “opening up” video despite the complete lack of proof.

Hm? Bores posted something new? If it’s ghosts I don- HISTORY OF VIDEO GAMES?! WHAT?!
Yeah, this came out of nowhere. After TWO YEARS AND EIGHT MONTHS without a new installment, he actually released one. He was actually serious about continuing. Not that it will ever be finished (spoiler alert: He’s never going to reach the NES at his pace).
As a reminder, Chris started History of Video Games five years ago, and he’s only just now gotten to the Atari 2600. Are you serious with this crap? Give. Up. There is no more point, you are not talented or smart enough to keep this going.

*breathes* I think I’m ready to take this on.

Let’s take a look at the description.
“The Golden Age of Video Games is fast approaching!” Approaching? The 2600 is part of the Golden Age! Oh wait, that’s right. Bores is a moron and thinks that everything before this was the Silver Age, even though that makes no sense. Then again, he did call Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels the “perfect predecessor” to the first SMB so he probably doesn’t know the difference.

Onto the video!

0:00 - 0:42: Oh jeez, he’s using that “For over 35 years…” intro again. He changed it up a bit as there’s footage of him playing an arcade game, and he added footage of the Legend of Zelda tech demo (from 2011), even though that’s not how the Wii U Zelda actually looks. You know Chris, if you want to make a series talking about history, it helps to stay up to date with current events.

0:43 - 2:05: We start with the history stuff. Modern stock footage, bits of Bores being “wacky”, such as walking in a green screen arcade full of “bad games”, and “drowning” in Pong consoles.
He brings up Warner buying Atari and the release of the Atari VCS (the console’s official name before the 5200’s release, we’ll see if Bores brings that up).
He points out how the VCS allowed swappable cartridges to extend the life of the system, with a bit where he gets “mad” at a game.
Then he shows the joystick with the single button, leading to a “wacky” green screen bit where he presses the button and a battlefield appears behind him, with a solider firing a rocket at him. Yep… same random crap.
Then he points out the switches on the console. When he gets to the one that lets you reset the game, we get a joke where he locks himself into a loop resetting himself until another version of him appears to punch him out. Wouldn’t this “joke” work better if that was someone else? I just don’t get why you clone yourself. Are you that unwilling to have other people in your videos?

2:06 - 2:37: “On October 1st 1977” Wrong! The Atari 2600 was released September 11th 1977. Where did you even get October 1st?
At least he got the price right.
“Here’s a fast fact” Are you still saying that for “consistency” or “popular demand”? Likely the former as I doubt anyone is demanding that.
He brings up how they didn’t make money on the console, but by the games since they were cheap to make. Going to mention how this means they had to sell the console on the games, a philosophy that continues to this day? Of course not, he doesn’t understand.

Something about labeling the games by genre, I can’t really find anything on that.
Atari launched with 9 games. Onto the review then, I’m guessing we’ll get a lot of “this sucks compared to modern standards” idiocy.

2:38 - 3:40: He starts with Combat.
“One of these was the Arcade version of Tank, but scaled down…” Actually, Combat is a combination of Tank and Jet Fighter, a game you’ve neglected to mention before.
“By pressing the Game Select button” It’s not a button, it’s a switch. There’s a difference.
There are a multitude of “boards” to select, and then we get a “joke” about the “Combat Hall of Fame”, showing Bores on top of a pillar, but then (I guess) narrator Bores says it doesn’t exist and the pillar disappears. You know, there’s a post on Facebook my informant mentioned to me. I’ll address it at the end so keep all these “jokes” in mind.
You can also play as planes and jets, and even as three jets at once. Prompting more Bores clones, as they all “control” the triple jet. Set to the 1812 Overture because … it’s something Family Guy would probably do.
However, he loses because he’s too big of a target (with fake “You Lose” text that clearly doesn’t belong, does he think we’re idiots?) and then… the three Bores’ launch into a weak Three Stooges routine. Here’s some advice Chris, the Three Stooges routine doesn’t work when there’s only one of you! Get some god damn friends to help you!

3:41 - 5:33: He moves onto Indy 500.
“The point is to drive faster than the other car” IS THAT WHAT A RACING GAME IS?! WOW!
The controls don’t seem to work, which sounds like a problem with him as the info I find say the game works well, leading to a pointless appearance from Mr. Magoo. HE EXISTED!
EDIT: Turns out the reason the game didn't work is that he was using the wrong controller! In the video he was using the Paddle Controller, NOT the Driving Controller. Only the Driving Controller will work with the game. Nice research Bores! Thank you to Guru Larry for pointing this out.

Then he moves to Video Olympics, and a bit where he overreacts to the fact it’s more Pong. And then a montage of the different games set to Khachaturian’s Sabre Dance (look it up), of course with “jokes” thrown in like “Genghis Pong, King Kong Pong (NO! The joke was right there! It’s King Pong you fool!) and Hong Pong Phooey (oh that’s why he didn’t use King Pong, because “me childhood”)”. Jeez this video is padded.
And of course a pong ball hits the cartridge out of his hand because… yep…

He moves to Street Racer
He briefly explains the mechanics and then a montage of him constantly losing (with more fake text). After a while he stabs his eye out with the joystick and more Mr. Magoo (his impression is as usual terrible). What is the point to any of this?!
And yeah, that’s what people want to see in a documentary about video games, someone stabbing their own eye with a joystick. And he wonders why people don’t take him seriously!
He then shows the other modes, and finds one that he doesn’t understand. That’s skiing, those are skis, you’re going down a mountain. Do research.

5:34 - 6:21: Onto Air-Sea Battle. More gameplay, more of the modes, ending on one where you can move the turrets, leading to one of them to leave the game, go into IG’s room and shoot him in the face. Again, he coughs up Styrofoam. Is that supposed to be his teeth? I’m sure you could find fake teeth out there.

Onto Star Ship. He mentions the stuff you need to shoot, and finds ships that resemble Klingon Warbirds of Prey from Star Trek. *looks up Klingon ships* They look nothing like that! I get the feeling this is just an excuse for more jokes.
Yeeep, Spock appears and has a “shocked” expression, which is just his eyes getting really wide and cartoon-y.
Also, according to Memory Alpha (the Star Trek wiki), there’s a difference between a Klingon Warbird and a Klingon Bird of Prey. I’m sure someone far more versed in Star Trek lore can explain this better.

EDIT: I sort of missed this the first time around, but Bores tells Spock to fire all the weapons. Spock doesn't handle the weapons on Star Trek, usually it's Chekov. Thanks to Jonathan Wilson and Brandon Brown for informing me.

6:22 - 7:14: Onto the last three games!
He shows Blackjack, but needs to put a joke in there so he confuses it with “Jack Black”. Again, keep these “jokes” in the back of your mind.
Then shows Basic Math, looks incredulous, then the Count from Sesame Street appears to tell him the answer to 3+3. Oh my god, that is the worst Count impression I have ever heard. Whoever said you can do voices LIED!
Then Surround, a sort of two-player Snake. It looks like the inspiration for the Tron light cycles. Any mention of that Bores? Of course not, he’s never going to mention how these old games inspired future ones. He knows nothing!
Of course, why explain that when we can have sketches! Enjoy a long sketch of two guys “playing“. It’s pointless and adds nothing. Is this why it took two years? Because you didn’t have enough stupid jokes?

Video concludes with more history. He mentions something about Bushnell not wanting the console to be sold after the holidays (it’d help if you source this stuff), the hiring of Ray Kassar, and then he shows an entire 2600 commercial. Padding?
Afterwards, he says the tide of the industry was turning, and a pointless splash effect. WE GET IT, you have effects! Stop it!
Next time, the Arcade games of 1978. Let me guess, another two years. See what I meant from earlier when I said he’ll never reach the NES? If the next episode is ONLY 1978, this shit is going to take forever and will never end. Cut your losses Bores and stop!

This was barely informative, and those were barely “reviews”. This was all one giant excuse for Bores to have random Family Guy-esque sketches. Isn’t that the point of the I Rate the 80s series? To stroke his nostalgia and randomness boners over there? You can’t expect people to take either series seriously anyway.
Not to mention getting things wrong… as per usual. And now to wait years on end for Part 7.

Oh and you know how I said to keep all these jokes in the back of your mind? Well, my Facebook informant saw someone post this Top 10 YouTube comedians video. Bores responded saying "A lot of my humor is a bit on the dry side so I doubt I'd be on that list"
… Dry? DRY? You don’t know what dry humor is! It’s deadpan comedy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deadpan You are not deadpan, your style is off-the-wall randomness and references. There is nothing dry about reacting to stupid characters. Maybe you should spend more time researching comedy than trying to find ghosts.

Say Bores, how about trying to defend Sonic Boom now? Oh that’s right, you stopped making Neo videos for whatever reason. Somehow, GotGame has yet to dump him. It can’t be site traffic, he hasn’t posted anything there in months. Someone has to know.