Friday, June 19, 2015

And Now, the Entirety of IG's E3 2015 Coverage

So, you guys enjoy E3?
Fallout 4 looks pretty damn good! MS has yet to convince me to get an Xbox One, they could have shown Scalebound but nooooooo. EA was… EA. But I did like Unravel. New South Park game! The Sony triple bomb of The Last Guardian, Final Fantasy VII remake, and Shenmue III Kickstarter goes without saying! Horizon: Zero Dawn looks amazing! As does Uncharted 4! New Star Fox co-developed by Platinum! New Mario & Luigi crossing over with Paper Mario! Super Mario Maker looks so much better than they showed before. Kingdom Hearts III footage! Transformers game by Platinum! As well as some other stuff that I can‘t think of right now.

Soooo I’d expect Bores to ruin all this by showing up right?

On Wednesday he posted a News video about, what fucking else, amiibo and Skylanders. This is likely about Nintendo and Activision collaborating and getting two exclusive Skylanders into the Wii U and 3DS versions of Skylanders SuperChargers. Donkey Kong and Bowser. They also double as amiibo for those that don’t have one of the billions of Bowsers out there (seriously Ninty, stock the others!)
It says a lot about Bores that his first major video about E3 is about the fucking toys. Then again, I doubt he knows what Shenmue is, or Team ICO, or even care enough about Final Fantasy to understand why the VII remake is a huge deal, or care about Star Fox.

“But, shouldn’t he be at the show”
I opened the video, and he’s at home. Surprisingly, Bores didn’t attend this year. Is GotGame finally severing ties? Have they realized that his E3 coverage is always ALWAYS garbage and decided not to bother? Seems things are finally looking up. Hell, IG’s site hasn’t updated since May 29th.

What’s in the video?
He actually gives an excuse for not going. “Business things he can’t talk about”. Riiiiiiiight.
Blah blah blah, more about the stock issues.
“People want what they can’t have” Like how you want James Rolfe’s audience.
“So much new stuff” Almost all of it announced on Sunday. Seriously where were you?
He brings up Super Mario Maker (without saying the name) and claims it’s “heavily influenced by amiibo”. Noooo, the upcoming Animal Crossing amiibo Festival is “heavily influenced”, by which the entire game revolves around it. amiibo usage in Super Mario Maker is just an added bonus. Hell, it’s been confirmed you don’t even need amiibo to get the extra skins. You can unlock them through playing it.
He brings up the large 8-Bit Mario. “I’m not entirely sure what this will do in-game” WHAT? They revealed this! It makes Mario grow giant size! Did you not watch the Digital Event, or any conferences or coverage at all?! … Actually, I shouldn’t be surprised he was lazy about that. Still, more lack of research.

Except it appears he DID watch the event as he brings up that using other amiibo will let you play as that character, and specifically mentions the Wii Fit Trainer like they did. So did you just completely miss 8-bit Mario’s usage?
“Animal Crossing isn’t as big as Super Smash Bros” WOW you are so ignorant. Animal Crossing is fucking huge. It’s one of Nintendo’s biggest franchises. That’s why so many people got angry that the Wii U game is a Mario Party clone instead of a full-fledged life simulator (let’s be honest people, they’re probably not going to make anymore for consoles since the handheld iterations sell waaaaaay more)
Gets to the exclusive Skylanders.
“These will only work with the Wii U” AND THE 3DS! Why does he keep forgetting the 3DS exists? Like when he looked at Mario Kart 8 and said it was the “first new one in years”, implying he didn’t know Mario Kart 7 existed.
Wait, there’s a Wii version of SuperChargers coming? That’s just bizarre.
Rest of the video I don’t care… This is mindless and if I wanted to hear about amiibo I’d go to better places.

We come to Friday, and it’s his Top 5 “Coolest Games and Announcements”. That was fast. Yet another bright side to not going to E3, he won’t be spamming videos for a month pretending it’s actual content. At least he’s timely with the Top 5.
Let’s see what stupid things he picks this time.

Number Five: Super Mario Maker
Though he never refers to it by name. Rather he describes it. “The 30th anniversary edition where you make levels” Chris, how hard is it just to say “Super Mario Maker”? Did you get rejected by Maker Studios and are unable to even say the word “Maker”?

Number Four: Nintendo Skylanders in the next game.
Of fucking course it was… You know why nobody will take you seriously Bores?  Because nobody is going to fucking put the Donkey Kong and Bowser Skylanders on their “Best of E3” lists. It’s not even dumb enough to be on “Worst of E3”.
He thinks this is a “great step” because all amiibo did before was “unlock skins and hats”. Except they were trainable AI in Smash Bros, all new boards in Mario Party 10, challenges in Splatoon, a new weapon for Link in Hyrule Warriors, power-ups for Kirby in Rainbow Curse, playable Fire Emblem characters in Codename STEAM, it’s not just “hats and skins”. Do your fucking research.

Number Three: Cuphead
Ha! You’re never going to play this. You don’t have an Xbox One, and you keep claiming you don’t play PC games. Sure, he could get an Xbox One, but I like to think Bores isn’t THAT dumb to spend $300+ on a console just for one game. If you think GotGame will provide, keep in mind, it’s been almost two years since PS4 and Xbox One came out, and Bores has neither. If he wants those consoles, he’ll have to pay out of pocket.
He then complains that he heard the game is hard. That’s a GOOD THING Chris. Oh right, I forgot who I was talking to. Continue being a casual fool.

Number Two: South Park: The Fractured But Whole
“I loved the last one” All one hour you played of it. I doubt that he actually kept playing once the camera turned off.

Number One: Final Fantasy VII remake
Oh… I guess he does care. But I still doubt he knows the significance of The Last Guardian or Shenmue III.
“The trailer looked fantastic” Don’t trust CG trailers. Game likely won’t come out until minimally 2017 and very likely won’t look like that.
“Good move on Squaresoft’s part” It’s Square Enix. It’s been Square Enix for 12 years. Keep up!

Well… at least there wasn’t anything immensely stupid on the list. Nintendo Skylanders was just kind of stupid, but expected. At least there wasn’t Garden Warfare 2 or that Minions mobile game, or Ghost Recon Wildlands (they’re turning it into the AAA Ubi game! It’s being melded into the gray sludge of AssCreed, Far Cry and Watch_Dogs! Radio towers! Radio towers!)

I hope you guys enjoyed E3. I really hope you didn’t sign that petition to cancel Metroid Prime Federation Forces. It’s futile to try to get it cancelled.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Spoopy Remakes and Going Down to the Port

E3 is upon us! It’s looking like one hell of a show this year. I’ll enjoy the brief reprieve between the show’s ending and Bores uploading his half-assed content. But before we can get to the main event…

What did this week bring?

Tuesday saw the return of movie reviews. After the return of the Summer Movies list, I felt this wasn’t far behind. When was the last time he reviewed a movie? Let’s see… Man of Steel back in July 2013. Jeeeeez…
So what’s he going to look at? The recently released remake of Poltergeist. Odd first choice for a review. Especially since he’s never reviewed a horror movie before, I have to wonder if he knows what makes good horror or if he thinks “jump scares am good enough”

I haven’t even clicked on the video and already there’s a problem. He’s now calling himself the “Irate Cinema Gamer”, or just “Irate Cinema” if the title card is anything to go by. There’s way too much wrong with both of these. First off, something feels off about “Irate Cinema Gamer”, like he’s not someone that reviews movies. Rather, someone that reviews games based on movies, or games that try too hard to be like movies *cough*David Cage*cough*
Even if we look at his shortened name, Irate Cinema, that still feels wrong. Irate Gamer makes sense as “gamer” is an interest and adjective. Cinema isn’t a hobby, there are so many other adjectives he could have gone with. Irate Film Fan, Irate Cinephile, Irate Moviegoer.
Or maybe he could switch the two words around. Cinema Irate, no that’s still stupid. Let’s get rid of the “irate” altogether and replace it with something like “Snob”. … Wait.

*reads the description*
“I'm trying out a new style of reviewing movies, I hope you enjoy!” Another new style? I get the feeling Chris is really desperate to find his own voice, but is unable to do it so we’re getting a shitload of style changes. Even so, his Splatoon “CRAZY” review felt way too similar to the crap PewDiePie does.

Let’s see what his new style is.

A few seconds in, there’s a lot of rapid jump cuts. I swear I’ve seen this type of video before… from so many other YouTube users.
“Why they felt the need to remake it I don’t know” Because Hollywood is a creatively bankrupt cesspit of producers that are more concerned with having enough money to do cocaine off a hooker’s ass than if a movie is actually original or creative.
He brings up the RoboCop remake for some reason. “Replace the old piece of shit” Hey, both the original Poltergeist and RoboCop were great movies.
He says to “run away from this movie like it was a ghost”. That’s advice for people watching right? Because you would probably want to chase that ghost.
He mentions that the original movie still holds up to time… and then we get a picture of a distorted clock and the Macintosh computer start up noise (at least something that sounds like it). What was that?
He goes over some more of the movie, lots of jump cuts, there seems to be a new thing where it cuts and suddenly there’s a filter, likely to signify this is “wacky”. He says “the plot falls flat on its face” and it cuts to him (with the filter) falling forward (with his mouth open for some reason…) This is really stupid.
“Watching this movie is like being eye-raped by the Creature from Black Lagoon” … What? Is the movie bad visually? He doesn’t say.

He brings up aspects from the original. After he mentions one, we get the “wacky filter” repeating it in fear. Then for some reason windows are next to him. What is this? What is the point of the windows?
He keeps going then gets to a spoiler alert, which he signifies by shouting “SPOILER ALERT” with sirens blaring and a red filter over the screen. Then when he says the spoiler, the “wacky filter” gasps in shock and he yells at himself.
I haven’t registered a god damn thing he’s said about the movie.
At the end he says do something else and mentions “go play Dungeons & Dragons”. … Why that game specifically? Then “wacky filter” asks about… Pogs. Why? Just… what?

So from what I got, his “new style” is a lot of frantic editing and fast cutaways. With “jokes” that go by so quickly that you don’t have enough time to register if what you saw was funny or not.
However, this “new style” is even less original than the one he used for the Splatoon review. This is exactly like Chester A. Bum, or Black Nerd Comedy, or many of the other YouTube reviewers that use a lot of fast-paced jump cuts. Even non movie reviewers like Nigahiga or RayWilliamJohnsan or any of those guys that were popular long ago. Another example of Chris jumping on a bandwagon, only this is YEARS late. Hell, this type of video making is ridiculed and mocked for how terrible it is (such as DasBoSchitt’s YouTube AVE series).

Friday’s video is another Top 5 list. People love lists, that’s why his last one got soooo many views. Oh wait no, it somehow got less than Splatoon, Spy Hunter, and that Charlie Charlie video.

This one is about Chris’ favorite Arcade to NES ports. Strange choice for a list.
He’s doing this because Spy Hunter. Huh, I guess he’s not going to do a Let’s Play then.

First is Contra. I will never understand why he reviewed it as if it were a bad game, he keeps putting it on his “Games I love” lists.
“I played this long before anyone knew about the ‘Up Up Down Down’ code” It’s the Konami Code Chris. The KO-NA-MI Code. Also, suuuuure you did.
“It made it so much cooler because you could get much further and see the ending” Or you could practice and get to the ending without using the code. It can be done.

Second is Paperboy. If he ends up reviewing this for some reason, will Third Rate Gamer come out of retirement?
Not much to this one. Says everyone had it, describes what you do in the game.

Third is Tetris. HOLD IT! Tetris didn’t start as an Arcade game. It was first released on the Electronika 60, a Soviet computer. It was then released to multiple computers like MS-DOS, Amiga, ZX Spectrum, Atari ST, MSX, and many others.
Well, the Tengen version did start as an Arcade game. But that’s another version entirely. Not to mention he’s showing the Nintendo version in both his hand and in the gameplay on screen. That DIDN’T start as an Arcade game.
“… the Game Boy version” HOLY CRAP HE KNOWS IT EXISTS! I mean, his entire Tetris video he didn’t acknowledge the most popular version of the game. Seriously, how does he miss so many crucial statements in his reviews? It’s like he wants the world to see him as an ignorant moron that shouldn’t be taken seriously, yet at the same time wants people to take his ghost crap and history lessons at face value.
Blah blah blah it was so amazing blah blah blah

Fourth is Gauntlet.  He’s holding the cartridge upside down…
“It allowed for four players at one time” Uhhh no it didn’t, not the NES version at least. Are you confusing it with Gauntlet II? That was compatible with the Seattleite and Four Score.
He complains that there’s no ending. Actually, the NES version does have an ending. It’s just that the game has 100 levels so it can feel like there’s no ending. Unlike Spy Hunter which legitimately doesn’t have an ending and you made one up just so you could have a reason to destroy the game… your logic makes zero sense Chris.

Fifth is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game. HOLD IT! Didn’t you say in your review that the game was “terrible”, that it looked like a “pixilated nightmare” and that the extra levels were pointless? I still remember how you said they should have removed the extra levels and focused on making the game look closer to the Arcade version, showing how much of an ignorant asshole you really are.
“It did pale in comparison, but it was still cool” That is NOT what you said in 2007. Is this an attempt at damage control? Pretty fucking late on that.

This was a joke.

The E3 festivities start Sunday. Bores will likely be there as GotGame is still putting him up on a pedestal (for some reason). Who knows if we’ll even get any videos over the next week?

Saturday, June 6, 2015

I Don't Think They Teach Padding at Spy Hunter School

So I’ve played Splatoon now. Bores got sooooo much wrong, then again he barely said anything in his review.
First off, those “puzzles” were just basic gameplay mechanics. To get up walls, you shoot ink and swim up them. That’s not really a puzzle.
This is what happens when you try to emulate PewDiePie instead of actually putting effort into your video.

What did this week bring?

Tuesday’s video was about the… Charlie Charlie challenge. I looked it up, it’s a really REALLY low budget Ouija board done with pencils and paper. Basically, it’s a dumb children’s game. Chris might as well have made a video where he plays Bloody Mary, or hell Candyman. Who needs reality and science? Ghost magic yo!

Friday is a new IG episode. This time on Spy Hunter. I still don’t understand why he thinks “nitpicking non-existent flaws in good games” is better than “reviewing bad games”. Where is the logic?
The good news is that this episode is short, clocking in at 6:35. The last three episodes were over 10 minutes long so this is nice (though the Punch-Out video would have been shorter if not for the long ass montage).

*reads description*
“Another Madcap episode of The Irate Gamer!” I sense more false advertising here.
“This time we are taking a look at a favorite classic of mine, Spy Hunter. I will hunt this one down in the process!” *sighs* This is going to be the same shit. “I love this game, but it’s fucking terrible! Watch me destroy it!” Then the fans will be surprised that you hate the game, and then in your Let’s Play you try to damage control saying “I like the game guys, why do you think I hate it?” I don’t know, because you smashed an eggplant on Kid Icarus and threw Punch-Out against a punching bag? How are you this dense?

Intro now has a bit from the Punch-Out review.
0:17 - 0:36: Claims everyone that had an NES played Spy Hunter (or they more likely played it in the Arcades, where it originated), says it involved car chases, power-ups, and “tons of women throwing themselves at the main character”. I just see one woman next to him, the other is pointing a gun. How is this “throwing themselves” at him?
He puts the cartridge in but he doesn’t push it down! It’s not going to work Bores! He even turns the power on this time. I guarantee his TV will show nothing… in real life at least. In his stupid reality, it will somehow work. Just like how he can control modern console games without turning the controllers on.

0:36 - 2:10: At least he acknowledges it’s a port of an Arcade game.
He starts the game, getting dropped off so the “fun can begin”. He dies four times and cries that “this isn’t fun, this is bullshit”. There’s something really off on the way he says bullshit.
He complains about all the ways you can die. All of which look like his fault, despite his claim that they’re “bullshit”. Okay DarkSydePhil.
Then he screams into his Arkham Origins pillow. This way he can hide is immensely bad acting.
Now it’s TIME FOR PADDING! IG lists off every enemy he can find in the game and “explains” how they’re “bullshit”. At one point he snarls, at least I think he snarls. His anger is so unconvincing, how can anyone say he’s genuine.
I imagine if Bores ever played an RPG, it would have four minutes of listing off every enemy in the game as he wouldn’t be able to find any actual points.
By the way, at 1:50, pay attention to the Game Over screen. Notice here that the score in game doesn’t match the score in the screen. Now keep this screen in mind, and the score of 10215
More complaining about death, then he edits in multiple drop off trucks because of “too much dying”. Bored.

2:11 - 3:29: He mentions that the game gives you infinite lives and operates on time instead, and if the time runs out and you die, it’s Game Over. Of course he gets one, leading to an exaggerated falling scene. Put some socks on!
Onto the Weapon Trucks. After he mentions one, the weapon effects him in “real life”. The oil slick causes oil to appear, the smoke screen causes smoke to appear, and the missiles fire one at him and put a hole in his wall (complete with the HD stock explosion, it’s been a while hasn’t it?) Where’s the joke? Good question.

He brings up that the missiles are used to destroy the helicopters, but they’re never around. He dies then continues and sees a helicopter. He pointlessly references Star Trek (you’re guess is as good as mine) but he doesn’t fire a missile because he died before. To be honest, I thought this was a stupid edit not realizing that he had actually continued. Also, he bitches about the fact that dying makes him lose the weapon. How do you not understand basic concepts that in many other games? Yes, dying makes you lose your upgrades, it’s really common in the shoot-em-up genre (and Spy Hunter is kind of like a shoot-em-up). But apparently this concept was so foreign to IG that he grabs his NES and… does something to it offscreen. I don’t know, I’m just more impressed that he was able to get it working when it’s obviously not plugged in.

Still “irate”, comes across an obviously edited truck with a “minus” symbol on it, he goes in and it blows up with another stock explosion. … How is this funny?!
Oh and see the Game Over screen? Notice the 10215 and how the score in the game didn’t match? Isn’t sloppy editing great?

3:30 - 4:13: He mentions the forks, calling them “life-altering decisions”. … I’ve got nothing
OH GOD DAMN IT! He used the Mario pause sound again. Stop that! Not every game has that! It’s really distracting. Just pause like normal!
Anyway, this leads to a bit where he decides what path to go. He complains that the only change is where the beach shows up. What’s weird is he goes down the left path, but when he shows the comparison of the two paths the beach is “Right Path” and the dock is “Left Path”. This is just weird.
Another pointless Mario effect, and another bit of choosing where to go. You know, without the enemy listing and this bit, the video would only be like four minutes.
He goes down the right path, leading to… going into the Legend of Zelda. I bet if his idol Seth McFarlane saw this, even he would say this is too fucking random.
IG goes over the various locations, including a cemetery. He dies again, and it somehow spawns a grave stone. Next…

4:14 - 5:11: IG brings up a “Spy Hunter” secret that entailed “Spy Hunter bragging rights”. Meaning the boat level. For some reason as he talks, the camera is weirdly zooming in. I don’t understand this. Is he in front of a green screen gone wrong? It’s not like that scene needed green screen.
He brings up that to access the boat level you need to do a very specific set of maneuvers. Or you could just take the left bridge three times, at least according to this FAQ I’m reading.
He tries a couple times, fails, but then goes through the boat stage and reaches the snow part of the road. He complains that the helicopters are the same color as the snow. A good point but no reason to call Midway “assholes”

The video ends with IG stating that the game has no ending, it just goes on. True.
But he doesn’t believe that, and we get a “montage” of IG trying to beat the game. Though calling it a montage is generous as there’s not even any music. Did I say four minutes? I meant two!
At one point, he checks his wrist as if he’s wearing a watch. You’re not wearing one! Why would you check that?
After a while he realizes there’s no ending… so he edits one in where the car goes off a cliff, blows up, and fake text saying you’ve reached the end of the game. Likely an excuse so he could throw the game out the window. I adore this cognitive dissonance!
Then the same 10215 Game Over screen.

Yeah that sucked…
It’s amazing really, that even at six and a half minutes, he somehow finds three ways to pad the video out. How can anyone say this is good? Please, explain to me.
Also, no mention of the Peter Gunn theme? Though I don't think Bores' knowledge of old TV extends that far.
And now to wait for the eventual Let’s Play where he tries to claim that he really loves the game, and that destroying it was all “part of the act”. Look, that shit doesn’t fly anymore Chris. At least when other people destroy games, they’re bad ones. Even when they review good but flawed games, they don’t destroy them. You really don’t understand how this works Chris.