It’s Thursday and there’s a new video up. Why did Chris even bother with the schedule anyway?
It’s another regular IG review, and the title tells me it’s going to HURT.
He’s going to look at Castlevania! *breathes deeply* Trying to hold in all the f-bombs.
You guys in the comments noted multiple times that Chris is likely doing a theme with these recent reviews, featuring games that were prominent in Captain N. I’ve gone over my Captain N theory multiple times, but you guys might be on to something. His “comeback” has seen videos about Kid Icarus, Punch-Out, Mega Man, and Donkey Kong, all games that had significant appearances on Captain N. Possibly a coincidence, but considering my theory, it meshes together fairly well.
There was also his promise to review Castlevania aaaaallllll the way back in his “Top 5 NES Games” in….. *searches* 2008?! Holy hell Chris, you are just terrible at promises. I don’t see his promised Deadly Towers or Simpsons NES reviews happening (those are legit bad games, and we can’t have that for some asinine reason).
How bad could this possib- 11:48 LONG?! Oooooh noooooo. *breathes deeply* I can do this.
Let’s look at the description.
“This time taking a look at the classic video game, Castlevania. This is the #1 fan requested video game for me to review!” Oh that is bullshit! No, the actual #1 game is probably something really bad. You know, what you’re supposed to be doing. Don’t fucking lie to us and claim THIS is the game people wanted to see. I still remember when you did Neo reviews on a “consistent” basis and people were demanding Minecraft and Call of Duty, but you didn’t deliver and instead gave us the 3-in-1, which you claim were all fan requests (I severely doubt they requested Brutal Legend and Tekken 6). Why do you think you can keep getting away with lies Chris?
“Now its here. Contains some classic homages to Scooby Doo.” I remember when my informant showed me a Facebook post where he mentioned a Scooby Doo montage. I knew even before the game was revealed that this was going to hurt.
“Let's montage this b****!” Ugggh… Also, you can say “bitch” uncensored. It can be used in PG rated movies without any trouble. I can understand censoring “fuck”, but this just feels like you’re trying to appeal to overly-protective parents. Doesn’t make sense when you curse uncensored in the videos.
For some reason he reuses the weird “Parapper the Rapper free since 2007” joke he used in the last video description. Either that’s a new catchphrase (I don’t get it) or he was so lazy that he just copy pasted it and only changed a few things.
*takes a swig of vampire blood* I’m ready.
0:00 - 0:49: We open outside Dracula’s castle as seen in the game. Then we see IG and Ronnie running in and SON OF A BITCH! This is just that “NES Sprite Fun” video he made back in April. It’s exact! I knew Chris was lazy before but damn! The only change is the ending with IG screaming “Damn you Castlevania!”
1:06 - 1:42: Video begins, calls it “iconic”, mentions killing vampires plural (again, Dracula is the only vampire in the first game, unless you stretch it and say all the bats are Vampire bats)
He brings up you can get a fully upgraded whip at the start, leading to a dumb joke involving “Cool Whip” (barely starting and we’re already knee deep in stupid). Then he mentions that dying will make you lose all these (No shit!)
Down to the normal whip, he then says he can’t even “Whip some Nae Nae”, leading to Simon Belmont singing “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)”. Holy fuck! Wow, talk about terrible pandering. Chris, you just turned what, 37? You’re way too old to be making these jokes, you come off like a grandparent. Hell, I’m only 25 and I feel I’m too old to be making those jokes. Not that I would, that song is terrible. I don’t think you know what the “Nae Nae” is considering how you used it. Only shows how out of touch you are.
Also, I sense a content ID hit on this video. Does Chris intend to include all the copyrighted material featured this “season” on a possible DVD? He probably thinks he’s invincible when Toei & Saban didn’t crack down on him for using Power Rangers footage.
1:43 - 2:58: He calls the outside a “peaceful and quiet” place, which he tries to emphasize with some classical music. Don’t cover up “Vampire Killer”, it’s a good song.
Then calls the inside a “nightmarish hell” filled with ghouls, bats, skeletons, and a really fucking awful joke. This one being “Zombie Michael Jacksons” as represented by the original version of the Dancing Zombie from “Plants vs. Zombies”. It gets worse as IG follows with “Yeah, just say away from my wiener you” *massages temple* Where do I start? First off, not cool Chris. Second, Jackson wasn’t called gay, he was accused of being a pedophile. Simon is 22 years old in the first game, that’s way over the age of consent (then again, it was 1691 so the age could have been a lot different, but that’s besides the point). Third, is this seriously the lowbrow places you’ll go? It didn’t even make sense. This retarded Family Guy crap needs to stop Chris. Do you just want an audience of seal-clapping plebeians that believe references by themselves are jokes?
After that awfulness, IG lists off the sub weapons. Ending on the Dagger, and getting killed by a Medusa Head for trying to use one on it. That had to be faked, nobody would be dumb enough to try and use the Dagger on a Medusa Head.
He calls the Dagger stupid (and somehow ends up back on the first level even though he died on the second) and wants something worthwhile. He whips a candle and gets… the TARDIS. Enough with the random references.
Another dumb list joke where Simon goes through the hallway (he calls it a living room), the water area (he calls it the dock) and the “Castle’s mancave” with a big screen TV, a Legend of Zelda poster, and a Pac-Man ghost playing a Vampire Killer remix. Uggggggggh. This isn’t funny Chris. Why do you think this is funny? Where did you learn humor?
He reaches the Phantom Bat, and shows how to beat him using the Axe. Oh hey, he finally learned the correct way to beat him. Not that idiotic “sit in the corner and chuck Holy Water at him” method he used back in the Top 5 NES Games video. He probably looked it up…
He makes a comment wondering how much Simon can bench, there’s a weird jump cut during the boss fight (look at his hearts), then mentions how you get a “bauble” for defeating him (he means the Magic Crystal). Then it cuts to IG holding a bauble and wondering what it does. That you hang on a Christmas Tree, the Magic Crystal’s purpose is to restore Simon’s health. That’s it.
2:58 - 4:37: Shows the stage transition map, comments that there’s no bathroom, and that he hopes to find a monster shaped like a toilet. Hey “Linda”, remind me how Chris doesn’t use toilet humor?
Block 2, where most new players give up thanks to the Medusa Heads.
He brings how it’s actually “Stage 4” and that it changes when you go through a door. Claiming that even though there’s only 6 “levels”, there’s possibly … 2,559 stages. I know you’re attempting a joke, but it fails when even a 4th grader can realize that doesn’t make sense.
He brings up “new challenges” like the bats (those were in the first stage Chris), chasms (also in the first stage) and the Medusa Heads. Bringing up that they knock him back or into pits. Resulting in a quick montage of him getting killed with over-the-top reactions. This seems familiar…
Then he comes to the spiked pistons, which he says are from Contra. Well, they’re both from Konami. Also, Castlevania came out first so if anything, the spiked pistons are from this game, not Contra.
He gets killed by one, remembers the same thing in Contra, and hopes to find the “Spray Gun”, prompting a scene where Simon gets the Spread Gun “S” and fires a bunch of shots at Medusa Heads. Sorry, this isn’t Super Mario Crossover.
He reaches the Queen Medusa, or as he calls her the “Head Medusa Medusa Head”, with text to make sure we got that.
He uses the Watch to defeat her. Eh, Holy Water is more effective if you ask me.
Then he gets the Magic Crystal, and we cut to him holding two baubles. I am not looking forward to where this joke is going…
4:38 - 6:03: Onto Block 3. He claims this is where “Irate Gamers” are born. Stop trying to make your name an adjective, it’s weird.
He brings up the Hunchbacks (claiming they have ADHD, charming), then the Ravens as get another mini-montage (and yes, more reactions). He brings up some weird unreachable stairs, wonders if that was meant to be a secret, then reaches an area with a chasm to the left that he wonders if it holds a secret. It doesn’t. He smartly decides to move on… but then takes a dumbass drought and jumps right off, with terrible over-the-top reaction. Sad thing is, I could totally see DSP legitimately do that.
And he makes it worse when the Dancing Zombie does the Mortal Kombat “Toasty”. That doesn’t even make sense!
He compares a bridge to the one in Goonies II, again both are Konami, and Goonies II came out afterwards, then reaches the Mummy Men boss. Calls them the last easy boss as it’s “all downhill from here” which he demonstrates by falling through his chair into what I assume is a trap door. That’s not a hill Chris.
Then we see Simon taking the plunge from Block 3 to Block 4, with Bores overextending it because of course, and then we see IG falling as well because of that last bit. At least he’s halfway done with the game.
6:03 - 7:35: Block 4. IG falls into the water after Simon lands. That’s the payoff…
He progresses through the level, complains about the “swamp monsters” (he means the Fishmen), the low ceilings, the Skele-Dragons and finally reaches the boss, “Frankenstein”. I would point out how that’s wrong, but apparently Konami got that wrong too as he in the first game he’s referred to as Frankenstein. Later games call him The Creature.
He then gets pissed at Igor (but doesn’t refer to him as that) as he can take away a large chunk of health. “ONE-THIRD?!” he yells with that god damn music sting.
Another mini-montage, more over-the-top blah, and IG ends up reduced to tears. Ah, that must be Chris after seeing the views and ratings of his Skylanders flood.
This prompts… Devil Bores. Well, haven’t seen you in a while. What was the last appearance, the end of the “movie”? Let’s see what stupid shit you have now.
He’ll beat the boss for IG’s soul, with a “money back guarantee” (zzzzzz). Devil Bores tries to beat him, but fails multiple times. With a bunch of pointless bleeps where cursing should be. Does the footage seem off to anyone else? It feels like a quality shift… could just be my internet connection.
7:35 - 9:08: IG eventually beats him and moves onto Block 5. He says to bring “clean pants” as you’ll crap yourself over how much damage enemies do now. Once again “Linda”, explain.
“Four hits equals instant death” … Pretty sure “instant” means one hit. I know this is my second DSP comparison but “instant death” is something he says all the time, even when it’s not “instant”. What is it with scrubs having the same attitude?
He claims that beating this game is “ungodly impossible” so … montage. Or “Let’s montage this bitch” as he says. Also, he doesn’t censor “bitch”. What’s consistency?
And so we get a montage. Starting at 7:50.
At one point it cuts to IG, Ronnie, and Devil Bores “rocking out”. With the former two using Guitar Hero/Rock Band guitars and Devil Bores flailing sticks in the air with a drumset imposed in front of him. Urgh… I thought Chris could actually play guitar? There’s that old Amazon account where his avatar is him playing guitar on stage. Surely he could have gotten that out right?
A part where a bunch of bats try to swarm him but he swats them away.
A part where he reads from a GamePro book on how to win.
He manages to beat Death!
Of course he has to do the Scooby Doo doors. At least it’s quick and not as painful & tedious a Back to the Past.
Wait, he beat Death, but then the montage shows him getting killed in Block 5 before reaching him. What?! This is dumb.
Then we see IG shaking his “wooden” Simon Belmont cutout. Careful with that, you need to sell that on your website’s store soon.
Then a Medusa Head tries to attack. IG covers his eyes, holds up a mirror, and the Medusa Head turns into… the Stone Mario from Super Mario Bros 3. THAT IS NOT HOW THAT WORKS! You seriously couldn’t just turn the Medusa Head gray?
Then IG, Ronnie, and Devil Bores peeking around a corner, more “rocking out”, more Scooby doors, and the montage FINALLY ends at 9:08. Who the fuck is approving of these stupid montages? Are his fans really that awful? That THIS is what they want to see? I mean, Bores himself said on Facebook “You’re going to love this montage”. Do his fans seriously consider that one of the best parts of his series?
9:09 - 10:03: He reaches Dracula. Tries to continue with the Scooby-Doo joke by saying “let’s unmask this final villain and see who you really are”. It’s Dracula, it’s more often than not Dracula. God damn it Bores…
“He doesn’t really look like I imagine he’d look like” 8-bit limitations Chris.
He then calls his second form “Werewoof Dracula”. Actually his proper name is the “Spirit of Dracula”.
Devil Bores comes back in and wants to try again. But IG beats Dracula by chucking Holy Water at him. Devil Bores claims he did it and demands his soul, but IG says that wasn’t the deal, and then sends the Frankenstein Monster at him. This is about as awkward as you think it is.
The video ends with IG beating the game, seeing the weird credits, checking IMDB to see if “Christopher Bee” did play Dracula (leaving this one alone), then remembers his “baubles” and puts all six of them together. Oh no, don’t make this a Dragon Ball thing, it would be inaccurate as there’s seven of those. Thankfully that’s not what happens. Instead they somehow summon Dracula (I don’t know…)
“Uh oh, think quick Gamer” … Wait, is your name actually meant to “Irate Gamer”? Like your actual given name? Even though other people have called you Chris? It just sounds weird. Especially when you refer to yourself as “Gamer”.
Anyway he defeats Dracula with… Cocoa Powder? Oh, it turns him into Count… Chocula… GOD THIS WAS STUPID!
I think we have a contender for worst IG episode of the year. I don’t know, there’s been a lot and I have to think it over. But this is definitely up there.
The jokes are worse than usual, who writes this shit? I mean, I know Bores does but where does he get these awful ideas? Are his step kids ghost-writing? It would explain the Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae) joke. Who finds this funny? Considering my conversations with former fans, Chris’ audience mostly seems to be kids. Even though Bores goes out his way to purposely appeal to people his age with all the 80’s crap. I’m pretty sure people in their late 30’s wouldn’t find this funny, it’s just way too childish.
They also see how bad you are at the game, making it even harder to take you seriously. Yes, Castlevania is a hard game, but that doesn’t excuse dumb behavior.
What is the niche you’re trying to fill? You refuse to do bad games because “herp derp everyone else do dem”, but nobody wants to see some incompetent asshole cry about how hard classic games are. Who do you want to be your audience?
I wish I could get in touch with someone close to him… someone that knows his thought process, and why he does things this way. Something that would clear up a ton of questions.