Oh wow, a new 80’s video. I thought that series was dead. When was the last one? *checks* Nearly 15 months ago, holy crap. How do his fans tolerate this?
The subject of the video is Bazooka Joe and Bazooka chewing gum. Really? That seems like a boring topic to cover. It’s not really an 80’s thing either, it’s been around since the late 40’s. There’s like a thousand other 80’s topics you could have covered but nope, FOOOOOOOOOOOD! If you can call bubble gum “food”.
Onto the video
*looks at title* Oh piss off. He calls it a “documentary”. Quit calling your videos documentaries, they’re poorly made with little information. Just because you binged the documentary section of Netflix once doesn’t mean you know how they work.
The bright side is that the video is short, only 4:46.
0:00 - 0:38: Starting right off the bat, no intro.
Oh wait, there’s the intro, ten seconds in. I guess he was trying to do a cold opening.
“This small candy has been around for almost 80 years” Incorrect! Bazooka was first introduced in 1947, that’s 69 years. The correct line would have been “almost 70 years”. Basic research Chris, come on.
He talks about some of the early comics featured in the wrapper prior to Joe, lists a few off ending on “Doc Sorebones”. This leads into our first stupid pointless sketch. Bores plays the doctor and a patient, and he does the really old and stupid “Doc it hurts when I do this” “Then don’t do it” gag. Not even the 12 year olds watching would find that funny Chris.
0:39 - 1:11: In “the 1950’s” (specifically 1953 because Bores is too lazy to list specific years, yeah such a goooood documentary) they bring in Bazooka Joe. He says they named him after the company’s president’s son. WRONG! He was named in a contest. This information is public, how are you getting so much wrong? You can see an ad promoting the contest here.
Mentions how they gave him an eye patch, prompting him to animate Joe’s mouth and say “Arr mateys”. Not even a minute in…
After a pointless mention of the Little Rascals, he lists some of the other characters in the comic. Ending on Mort, a character always wearing a turtle neck over his mouth. IG says it reminds him of someone and we get a pointless cameo from Not-Wilson. I refuse to use his made-up OC name Chris. He’s not an original character!
1:12 - 1:46: He brings up cartoonist Wesley Morse, who I’m sure looks absolutely nothing like what Chris is wearing in this scene. *searches* Yep, short hair, no facial hair and no glasses. Where Chris’ costume has long hair, glasses, and a mustache. You really couldn’t look this up? It’s like you tried to look nothing like him.
Is he seriously explaining how a gag comic works? How stupid do you think we are?
“… leading up to a cheesy gag at the end” And you know all about cheesy gags you hack.
Then we see Chris reenacting a standard Bazooka Joe comic. Yes he plays both characters because fuck other people.
He mentions how the comics would also come with a fortune, leading to a dumb bit where he edits one to say “Help! I’m a prisoner in a bubble gum factory!” Causing a forced “shocked” reaction from IG and then he tells his men to suit up, his men being … the old man from Legend of Zelda, Great Tiger from Punch-Out, and Bomberman. What does any of this have to do with anything?! Then he tells Bomberman to get his best bombs and he takes one out but then the Zelda “Got an Item” jingle plays. You’re doing this crap on purpose aren’t you? Quit putting the Zelda jingle where it doesn’t belong!
Wait, is Bomberman going to be his next video? Oh no…
I’m sorry, how is this a documentary again? What do those games have to do with Bazooka bubble gum?
1:47 - 2:26: Morse continued the comic until his death in 1963. Which Chris reenacts by pretending to have a heart attack. Classy.
They used what was left and reused them for years. Then he brings up that they made a Bazooka Joe View Master reel. Leading to Chris looking at it through a View Master, it ends with Joe falling off a tight rope and then he somehow falls on IG. Holy fuck this is so dumb. What’s the point? Where’s the joke?
Why the electric transition? So random.
“By the time the 1980’s rolled around, I myself first stumbled onto the cool candy” Well duh you first found it in the 80’s. You were born in 1978, you didn’t even have teeth until the 80’s. Also, “cool” is not a word I would use to describe Bazooka gum. Oh and he pretends to be a “kid” again with his lame backwards baseball cap “costume”.
2:26 - 3:17: The comic got revamped from the era, and had a new cast of characters. No don’t say their names Chris, that would require actual research and work. Just give their titles. Zero effort is best effort!
He mentions they’re numbered now so you can “trade with friends” (yes I’m sure you did that) and a dumb bit where Kid Bores yells about a comic he didn’t have. Pointless.
Then he mentions other Bazooka products like gum balls, an activity pad, … Maxi Pads. God damn it Chris who are you trying to appeal to? Kids won’t get that! Adults would find it tasteless and unfunny! Who do you want your audience to be!
He lists the different flavors, then mentions that they had giveaways if you sent in enough UPCs. Lists some of them, ending on a pillow. Which has a Care Bear on it? Oh it’s a dumb gag as IG appears in the corner and tells him to get off. And apparently IG shrunk as he’s now the same size as the pillow, and it’s a small pillow going by the hand that put it down. What is happening? Why is the perspective so horrible? Did you even try Chris? Oh right, of course not. Zero effort.
3:17 - 4:07: He then brings up the 90’s revamp and says it shows how “scary“ the 90‘s were. The annoying 90’s kids are going to eat you alive for that. “Funky hairdos” Which totally never happened in the 80’s. Isn’t that right Flock of Seagulls front man Mike Score? “Crazy shades” Again, how is that only a 90’s thing? Shades were big in the 80’s too. Someone’s bias is showing. “And DJ Jazzy Jeff” Another pointless reference. You’re not getting a job on Family Guy Chris, just cut it out.
More revamps, “straying from the roots”. Then they released a new “box” with the original cast, but it didn’t have comics in it. No mention on how the comics were discontinued in 2012? That seems like an important thing to bring up.
Onto the rating.
He used to buy them for 3 cents (my how times have changed) and how everyone he knew went crazy over the new flavors (riiiiiiight…). He says he hated what they did in the 90’s because it’s a “nostalgic misstep” … What the fuck does that mean? What? I can’t figure it out. Despite that, he gives it an “Overload”. You have a terrible rating system if all you have is “Overload” and “Mediocre”.
Then it ends on a dumb scene with Phanto from Super Mario Bros. 2. What does that have to do with anything?! Did you forget which series you were working on?
Good lord this was so dumb. The short length did not save it. Along with all the awful sketches, this had some severe research failure. Honestly, I kind of thought he was doing better, but nope he’s back to old habits of pulling facts out of his ass. Where did he even get “president’s son” from?
Why the video game stuff? Why is everything so cheap looking? I know it’s an internet series but this is cheap even by those standards. Chris, do yourself a favor and watch other videos. You will realize just how far behind you are from everyone else.
Over on Twitter, my informant noticed that Chris has been trying to get Bazooka Joe to trend, as well as push it to certain channels. Here are the Tweetsaves for prosperity.
The “nostalgia lives” message is weird. But man the desperation is real. It’s not going to happen Chris. Not unless you yourself improve. Frankly I don’t see Topps approving of the heart attack “joke” or all the wrong information.
On another note, someone asked Bores about the new Ghostbusters and if he‘s going to make a video about it. He told him “maybe soon” and that he saw an article that inspired him. … How? Don’t you have your own opinion? I hope this alleged video doesn’t side with the idiots calling James Rolfe a sexist or misogynist even though he barely said anything about the cast being female. That was such a sad shit show, is this really the movie hill you people want to die on?
That’s all for now.