Monday, August 22, 2016

Minecraft Puppet Steve Part 1: From Marty to Steve

Nothing but paid promotional crap on the main IG channel. One video where he promotes a box. I’m not a kidding, a Kickstarter for a Magic the Gathering box that even MTG fans say is a bad idea. He mentions Nick “SWAGshow” Hugget in the description. I thought that bridge was burned a long time ago? Guess not…
Followed by Chris offering free trials to a site that provides stock footage and effects, which I’m pretty sure he’s only doing as he gets kickbacks for it. Is that money going into the Irate Gamer? I doubt it, it’s more than likely going into Puppet Steve. You better tell your fans about that Chris, they’re getting angry that you’re not doing anything of substance.

I guess now is a good time to start covering the Minecraft Puppet Steve channel. As of this post there are 24 videos, so I’ll attempt to cover them in three parts. Dedicating an entire post to each individual one would be a waste of space and energy due to their short length (longest video is only 4 minutes).

Video #1: Minions Megabloks Castle Playset Review - Marty and Muffin Puppet Show

The first couple videos don’t actually have Minecraft Puppet Steve, instead they feature original puppets named Marty and Muffin. Well, to call “Muffin” original would be stretching it.
Marty is so obviously Chris’ voice, barely hidden.
As the title indicates, they’re going to look at a Minions Mega Bloks set.
“I love the Minions” I can see Muffin has terrible taste.
And the first joke has Marty getting “crushed” by the bags containing the Blok pieces. … Already bored.
Marty tries reading the instructions upside down… uhhh le grill? Is Marty supposed to be retarded?
Then Marty claims he can build the whole set in 10 seconds, and tells Muffin to time him. So we get a boring sequence where Muffin counts to 10 while Marty flails like a moron.
“Oh what the heck is this?” … That’s the Union Jack, the flag for the United Kingdom. Okay, if any parents are reading this, do not let your kids watch this series. It’s anti-educational.
When the 10 seconds are up, it looks finished, oh wait it’s the box covering his mess. Holy shit I was just joking about the “le grill” part, that’s exactly the “Homer tries to build a grill” scene from Mom & Pop Art.
Then Muffin explodes and starts flying around, somehow building it. Represented by the pieces moving around and sped-up footage. I imagine this is where all the effort went.
“How did you do that?” “I’m a magic muffin.” … Okay.
So Marty shows all the “things” you can do. I guess these are based on scenes from the movie? I don’t know, I didn’t see that crap.
Marty then shows the “best thing” to do… party with the Minions. Oh fuck this noise.

Barely a review. Just “here’s the thing, here’s some of the possible things you can do”. He didn’t go into ease of construction, or quality or anything that actually sounds like a review. Just the terrible brand of “wackiness” Chris has come to show us before he turned the IG channel into “All Ads All The Time”.

Video #2: Gravity Falls JazWares Figures Review & BILL CIPHER DESTRUCTION (Marty & Muffin)

Noooo, I’m still sad that this show is over. Don’t rub it in Chris.

Marty mentions the figures are new, twice. No excuse Chris, this is very clearly scripted!
“These things are so-weeter than I am” I imagine if Muffin stuck around, there would be a lot more painful food jokes. Also I typed sweeter out like that because of the weird way he pronounces it.
Marty plans to open the box with scissors. You don’t really need scissors to open that.
Muffin warns him it might be booby-trapped. … Why? Why would the box be booby-trapped?
Marty touches the box and it explodes. … What’s the joke? “It might be trapped” “No it isn’t” “Except it is!” That’s barely anything. It’s not even a Gravity Falls reference.
Somehow the explosion get the figures out of the box. Marty then coughs up Styrofoam. Not sure if that’s meant to be his teeth or explosion dust.

He lists off the characters, Muffin remarks that he doesn’t like Gideon, then Marty shows all six in the photos and literally counts from one to six. How old do you think the kids watching are?
“Yep, this is also an educational show” Fuck you! You’re about as educational as the Oogieloves.
There’s a scroll with the image of Bill Cipher, and Marty sees there’s more figures on the back of the box. Muffin then uses his “magic” (ugggh) to bring in those figures. Parents, do not let kids watch this. Seriously.
He lists off these figures, shows off they have articulation, let me stop here. When Chris does a close-up of a figure and holds it in his hands, he’s wearing these giant blue gloves and it looks really awkward and out of place. Completely shattering the suspension of disbelief (what little there was).

More scrolls, then Marty compares the two Dipper figures, and he says he doesn’t want them to be any bigger. Why not?
Then … Bill Cipher shows up. This feels insulting. He’s going to give him bigger figures, and he does. Rather, he just creates images of the larger Dipper figure. Then he drops a giant one onto Marty. Ah yes, the classic “shit falls on Bores” bit. Somehow he has not gotten tired of that.
Then Bill drops another one, and then a massive one through a stock image of a house. Oh come on, I saw the house disappear for a couple frames. That is sloppy!
Chris, if this is the worst you make Bill Cipher do, then you seriously lack imagination. This is a guy whose first action was to pull all the teeth from a deer and offer them to Gideon, and then laugh off being called insane. And it’s still a show for kids. This is why you’ll never work on DuckTales Chris.

Again, barely a review. He shows off the figures, then shows off more, the most he mentions is how they have articulation. If Chris expects people to take him seriously with these puppet videos, then to quote Bill Cipher “It’s funny how dumb you are”.

Video #3: Minecraft The End Ender Dragon Mojang Playset mini figures puppet steve

Marty and Muffin show off the playset. Muffin is scared because it’s a dragon. … It’s a fucking toy!
Which Marty does point out, it’s nothing but a toy.  But then the Ender Dragon’s eyes glow red and he shoots a stock fire effect.  What is Chris’ obsession with toys coming to life and doing evil things?
Marty tries to open the box, but the Ender Dragon manages to pierce the plastic and set his hair on fire. “I think my hair is on fire” Where’s the funny?

And then… he shows up.
Puppet Steve makes his appearance. Sorry Marty, the channel belongs to him now.
“That’s not just any Ender Dragon, that’s a Level 5 black Ender Dragon”. Couple of things. One, the Ender Dragon doesn’t have levels, the only thing in Minecraft that does is you, the playable character. Does Chris think Minecraft is like D&D? Two, the Ender Dragon doesn’t come in other colors. He’s only black. Three, despite being a channel hosted by a Minecraft character, it’s pretty clear that Chris knows nothing about the game.
More proof? Steve goes on about how hot his fire breath is. I asked someone that played Minecraft, and the Ender Dragon does not breathe fire. His breath is more like acid. At least try to research this if you’re going to dedicate an entire channel to it.
Steve claims his fire breath goes up to 5000 degrees Fahrenheit and can burn your eyebrows off your face. If there was a creature that breathed a substance that hot, I’m pretty sure my eyebrows would be the last thing I would be worried about. I’d be more concerned with my whole god damn face!
Oh, he says eyebrows so they can do a dumb joke where Marty freaks out and Muffin reminds him he has no eyebrows. Blaaah…

So Steve opens the package, and like Marty we get close-ups with Chris wearing awkward looking gloves. I’m sorry, it’s just really wrong looking.
Oh did I say open the package? I meant a dumb sequence where opening the package is being treated like diffusing an armed bomb.
Steve removes the toy, and hits it in the head which somehow tames it. This is so dumb…
Steve shows off all the “awesome” things you can do, like move its tail and neck, and have it pose with the tiny Steve that comes with it… you know, these barely articulate action figures don’t seem like fun toys. Maybe I’m just jaded.
And I guess that’s the entire review portion.

The Ender Dragon somehow disappears, then somehow grows giant size (Chris filming it up close). Sooo they get burned right? Nope, Marty asks if they could ride him and he agrees. WHERE’S THE JOKE?!
Then in the end slate, Marty is blown up by a Creeper. I’m going to assume he’s dead now since Puppet Steve takes over from here. Bye!

Video #4: Minecraft Reviews Survival mode Figures Mattel Unboxing - Puppet Steve

Despite this being a Puppet Steve video, the intro still introduces Marty & Muffin. Smoooth.
We also meet the other character of these videos, Zombie Steve. He’s a zombie. First thing he says is “brains”. … Hooray for lazy!
Anyway, five six-inch Minecraft figures.
Steve asks Zombie Steve if they’re cool, ZS just stays “brains” again, Steve says he has a one-track mind and hits him off the set. Yep, this is a Chris Bores video alright, attacking someone you don’t want to have around. Great lesson for the kids!
First he looks at Steve. It has “karate chop” action, including a shot of Chris using the toy on a tree. I can see snow so maybe those gloves are keeping him warm.
Then he shows off more of his Steve toys as you can “never have too many Steves”. Blaaaah…

Then he looks at the wolf, he makes it do tricks (which it obviously can’t do), then he tells it to “Play Dead, Play Alive” and “Play Hello”. Which then cuts to the wolf imposed over a woman singing something with the pitch turned all the way up. *looks in comments* Apparently that was meant to be Adele and her song Hello. I could barely tell with that god damn pitch change. I don’t know anything about current pop (I stopped listening to Todd in the Shadows after he openly defended a pedophile).

Next is a sheep. It comes already sheared.
“Whoa, I thought this was supposed to be a kids show” You’re not funny and nobody likes you!
“Let’s get some clothes on this sheep” That’s wool! Just because it’s used to make human clothes doesn’t mean it’s sheep clothes.
The toy comes with shears, he tries to “shear it” by hitting it, which somehow causes the wool to fly into his eye. Okay how did that even work? The perspective shows that the wool flies away from him, yet somehow it turns around and hits his eye? Fucking hell Chris, I know it’s a puppet show but you still need to have ground rules! You can’t have random shit for the sake of random shit!

Next is a skeleton.
“Time to pull this out of the package” Thanks, I couldn’t tell what you were doing.
He’s wearing an eye patch now, and starts looking at the bow & arrow it comes with. … The arrow is going to go into his other eye isn’t it?
YEP! Same telegraphed Chris Bores crap. Hiding behind a puppet won’t change that.

Finally, the Creeper. It’s going to end in an explosion. I haven’t even watched it and I already know how the joke will go.
The Creeper comes in pieces, he puts it together, Steve’s eye patch disappears because fuck continuity, and it simulates exploding by falling apart. Fair enough.
Steve invites ZS back to play, ZS tries to eat the Creeper toy and it explodes. Told you.
Four videos down.

Video #5: Minecraft "Enderman is a Sissy" Angry Master Rant - Puppet Steve

This sounds pleasant. What’s a “master rant”?
The intro no longer has Marty & Muffin, and instead it’s the “Minecraft Puppets Show”. Shouldn’t that just be “puppet” singular?

Anyway, Enderman is apparently a loser.
Holy shit gameplay footage! That is more than likely not his due to how low quality it looks. Likely downloaded off of someone else’s channel.
“Sure the Enderman may act all innocent” Uhhh no? He’s an enemy.
“But deep down, he’s an evil-hearted booger face” … *sighs* I need a drink. Do kids even say booger face these days?
He complains about how he lives in another land and how he’s an “emo kid”. What year did you write this? Who even still uses “emo”?
According to iDuck in the comments of my last post, the footage he’s showing has mods enabled. Making it obvious that Chris did not record this. He refuses to touch a PC game.

And apparently his action figure is stupid. Why? Because of the arms? He has long arms because of the game…
“It’s not as cool as this Steve action figure” This is dumb…
Then another action figure which has him screaming and that shows he’s a “sissy”. You do realize that when they start screaming, that means you need to run. The Enderman is similar to the Slender Man and that looking at him for long periods of time is bad for your health.
And more “playing” with his Steve figures. I am so glad there’s only one Minecraft video after this…
“Steve is so awesome!” Just keep telling yourself that Chris.
“I don’t see why you need any other action figure besides mine” Completion purposes? Wanting to act out Minecraft scenarios with plastic toys? Are you retarded Chris?
He brags some more about himself, even plays a Hallelujah chorus over him.

He insults Enderman’s arms again, thinking he’ll be “tickled to death”. Really? That’s your takeaway from creepy long arms?
Then he calls him a bed wetter because of his constant teleportation. So is Nightcrawler a bed wetter too? Mr. “I’m a huge X-Men fan”? Slender Man, look him up!
“Get this guy a diaper already!” So much stupid.
Then he starts insulting his pink eyes because pink is a “sissy color”. Chris, you’re almost 40, you’re well past the age where you can call pink a “sissy girl color”. Yes it’s feminine, but it isn’t just used for women or girl characters.
He concludes saying Enderman is nothing but a “scaredy-cat whiner baby stupid head”. So these are for like 3 year olds right?
Then the Enderman shows up. Let me guess, he’s going to kill him. Actually, he just touches him and he’s transported to the End.
“I’m in the Ender Zone” No! It’s called the End! It’s so fucking clear you know NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING about Minecraft! Yet you have a channel where you pretend to be the main playable character. Even when you’re trying something original, you come off as a complete and utter fraud! You couldn’t pass as a ghost hunter, you couldn’t pass a gamer, and you clearly can’t pass as a Minecraft fan.
The Ender Dragon appears, Steve jokes about hot dogs, and he gets burned with fire (again, Ender Dragon can’t do that), though it’s more like a light roasting.
“I hate the Ender Zone” And I hate this video.

“We need some scribers” Is that what the kids are calling subscribers now?

God, this was so childish. Even by his standards. What was even the point? What was the joke? I can’t say this enough, don’t let kids watch this. It will make them dumber.

Video #6: Minecraft Toys Series 4 Obsidian Unboxing Mini Figures Puppet Steve Review

The last Minecraft related video. In which he actually talks about something Minecraft related, he’s still going to use the Minecraft puppet.

Some mini-figures. For some reason Steve goes “OooOooOoo” in his intro like the figures are meant to be scary.
They’re mystery boxes so you don’t know what you’ll get.
“I hope there’s money in these” … Noooo. Why would there be money? How is that a joke?
First box has a rabbit, he doesn’t like it. What’s wrong with rabbits?
Second box also has a rabbit. Surprisingly, not duplication editing.
Third box has a rabbit, odd.
“This thing is worse than grandpaw’s kisses” … What?
Then a montage where he gets multiple rabbits, and it’s clearly fake at this point as he recycles footage from earlier and there’s the duplication editing. You can see that most of the rabbits are just pictures.
Then he finally gets a cat, then a priest, a skeleton with a pumpkin head (which Steve calls scary… you know people are being ironic when they bring up Spoopy Skeletons), then a sheared sheep, and then he stops to bring up that this is a kid’s show ARE YOU SERIOUS? Did you seriously just do the same sheared sheep joke again? Kids are not THIS stupid Chris! They can tell when you repeat material!
Then he puts a censor bar over the sheep. Still not funny.
Slime cubes, a spider, Alex, another rabbit, and a Creeper hiding behind rocks. Prompting Steve to yell “HOW STOOPID”. Another Chris signature, the way he says “how stupid”. What’s wrong with that figure? Creepers hide behind rocks all the ti- oh right, Chris knows nothing about Minecraft.
Then a Creeper puppet appears and blows him up. Video over? Nope…
Then an Enderman figure, which he’s about to call stupid when the Enderman puppet appears again. We just went through this shit…
A zombie behind a door, which Steve claims is stupid (except it’s not it’s one of your best bits of protection at night) and ZS appears just to say “brains”
And finally more self-fellatio as the “coolest figure” is Steve. So glad this is the last Minecraft video.
“Collect them all, except that stupid rabbit”. This prompts the rabbit’s eyes to glow red for a second, and a giant rabbit falls on him. Ugggggh, seriously how are you not tired of this bit Chris?

You ever see excerpts from that Minecraft joke book which tells a whole bunch of non-jokes that even kids would find stupid? That’s what these early videos reminded me of. A lot of non-jokes and cringe.

I do wonder why he didn’t go back to Marty and Muffin since he no longer does Minecraft toys. I mean, Marty & Steve are basically the same character. They’re both dumb as bricks.

Video #7: Sausage Party Trailer Puppet Steve Reaction Video - Minecraft Puppet Steve

And now for something completely different.
Never thought I’d see Chris react to a trailer. But I can see the joke coming a mile away.
He’s going to react to the trailer for Sausage Party, which was new the time the video was released (March 17th 2016, a few days after Sony posted it on YouTube).

“A new computer animated movie like the ones Pixar does” Hoo boy we’re in trouble.
“Just tap a couple buttons here and away we go” We don’t need to see Steve starting up the video, just cut to the trailer.
So he plays the first couple seconds, then it cuts right to the part where the potato gets peeled and reacts in pain. What’s weird is that Chris censored more than needed, in the trailer he screamed “JESUS FUCK! Agh, oh me skin, she’s peeling me fucking skin!”. In Steve’s video it sounds like “JESUS Beep Beep Oh beep beep me beeep beep skin!” You failed at the joke Chris.
Anyway, Steve reacts in horror, and shuts it off after the baby carrots get eaten.
“That is one animated movie that is not for kids!” Duh. Chris, this isn’t the 80’s anymore, just because it’s animated doesn’t mean it’s automatically for kids. We live in the era of The Simpsons, South Park, Adult Swim, violent anime seeing a greater widespread release.
“I don’t think my mom’s going to take me to see that movie?” Your mom? Is Steve supposed to be a kid? Then why does he start his videos with “Hey kids”? I mean, when a show is hosted by kids, they usually say “hey everyone” since their talking to other kids. But if an adult is hosting and talking to kids… agh, there’s no logic!

“There’s so many bad words in this trailer I feel like washing my own mouth out with soap” Ironic coming from the Irate Gamer.
He does recognize the voice… as Master Mantis from Kung-Fu Panda. Really? That’s the reference you’re going for? Surely there’s a different Seth Rogen role you can bring up? *looks* Oh… oh wow, so many of his movies are not kid-friendly. Okay fair enough, but at least say Seth Rogen like you did in the damn description. Say “Seth Rogen, the voice of Master Mantis from Kung-Fu Panda!”
He tells kids not to see it as it’s about sausages (actually they’re just regular hot dogs, the name Sausage Party is a dick joke) and hot dog buns coming to life and realizing people eat them. He calls it stupid. No, the idea is fine. It’s the execution that’s questionable.
He tries to eat a muffin, but it’s actually Muffin from the first three videos. Huh, that’s surprising. And Steve runs away in fear. Haven’t you already met him? In the third video? Logic is dead again…

What was the point of this video? To warn kids not to see the movie? Pretty sure that’s the parent’s job, and I doubt Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network would be running commercials for it.

Video #8: 1upbox March 2016 edition! Minecraft Puppet Steve Reviews

Thought you were safe from boxes on this channel? NOOOOOPE! 1UpBox!
First item is a t-shirt with Batman & Superman fighting and Wonder Woman trying to break it up. Steve tries to wear it and it’s too big. … I can see the joke, but I’m still not laughing.
A Batman & Superman pin, with Steve claiming to be part of “Batman Starfleet”. Head, meet wall…
Super Mario shoelaces, which Steve somehow gets wrapped up in. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Some post-it notes, which Steve covers himself with…
Halo magnets, which Steve calls “crazy”. … You have a loose definition of that word.
A plushie of Raphael from TMNT, and apparently he also got Michelangelo too. He calls someone a sucker.
And a pin. “Pin-riffic” NO! Fuck off!
He then tells kids to go to the site. Yes, spend your parents money on useless crap like this.
And then Steve collapses from exhaustion. Okay…

Yep, just as dumb as the Box Wars.

You can say “it’s for kids” all you want, but that’s a terrible defense. Kids deserve better than this random garbage. It’s not even well written.

Next time, Steve will look at Lego, amiibo, Zootopia, and more. I’ve got a headache…

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Chris' Lack of Activity Explained: Meet Minecraft Puppet Steve

One of the biggest questions surrounding Chris Bores is "what is he doing instead of making videos"? There will often be long gaps where he doesn't post any meaningful content. Just loads and loads of filler. Hell the last two months has been nothing but boxes, crappy phone apps, and Chinese tech items. I figured he had a job but couldn't figure out what it could be. His ghost hunting stints are usually for the Halloween season (despite what he claims, it's clearly a Halloween attraction and not serious work) and not a full time thing.

Welp, thanks to an e-mail (for their sake, their identity will remain anonymous), I have learned what he has been doing since at least January.

Welcome to the Minecraft Puppet Steve channel.

Where do I begin?
Just watching one video, and it reeks of Chris Bores. Not only is it obviously his voice, but so much of it is the same. The editing, the style of humor, the visual effects, he even uses the same royalty-free music tracks (one video has the song he plays in his 80's videos). The only difference is that he's not Chris Bores or the Irate Gamer, he's a puppet based on the Minecraft player character Steve. Amazing how he looks more like a puppet Chris Bores rather than Steve. Yes I know you can customize your Minecraft skin, but Steve is one of the two defaults (along with Alex).

So does Chris play Minecraft on this channel? NOPE! He talks about toys.
The first couple videos actually don't have Minecraft characters, but rather two different puppets called Marty and Muffin. They talk about Minions Mega Bloks and Gravity Falls figures.
Then Puppet Steve appears and talks about Minecraft toys for four straight videos. Rather, three are about toys, and one is where he insults the Enderman. Including calling him an "evil-hearted booger face". ... Yeaaah I get the feeling this is for like 8 year olds. But even then I would show them way better stuff.

He stops looking at Minecraft stuff at that point, and just does whatever. Starting with a reaction video to the trailer for Sausage Party. Uhhh I thought this was meant to be a channel for kids? I think Steve is meant to be a kid because one line in the video is "My mommy won't let me see this" but honestly it's hard to say.
This channel isn't safe from boxes either, the next video has him looking at 1UpBox. Good lord Chris this is sad.
And hey, did you miss his Skylanders, amiibo and Lego Dimensions videos? (Nooo) Well he's got them on this channel now. One about the latest Skyalnders Happy Meal toys ... seriously? Two about (then) recent Lego Dimensions releases, and one about amiibo. All with the same lack of detail you know Chris for.

But hey, he's not all about Toys-to-Life games, he's also about regular toys. Including Five Nights at Freddy's figures (man, Scott Cawthon must be swimming in money now), Secret Life of Pets, Teen Titans Go (barf) and his most recent video about Ghostbusters. It's probably the closest we're going to get to hearing his thoughts on the new all-female team.

Say, did you miss IG's "CRAZY" reviews? (Noooooooo) Don't worry, they're back on this channel! Well, at least one "CRAZY" movie review. For Zootopia. I don't think Chris paid attention to the movie, or even saw it. He never goes over the deeper issues involving racism and political corruption, instead claiming it's all about "growing up to be whatever you want" while claiming he's in the movie, that everyone dies, and the Enderman is the villain. WHERE'S THE JOKE?!

And I know some of you wanted to see Chris cover Pokemon Go, and he does on this channel! Three videos, though one is a music video made for Minecraft Jams. No idea. The other two make it pretty damn clear Chris knows nothing about Pokemon. There's even a "list joke" where he can catch "Caterpie, Weedle, and Donald Trump" Ugggggh (it was Shellder by the way). You would think Chris would have done this on his bigger channel but apparently that would have been too much work and taken time away from PRECIOUS BOXES.

Right now, Minecraft Puppet Steve has over 8,400 subscribers. Most of them likely came from Minecraft Jams (who have over 367k). Not too horrid having started in January, but something is amiss with the views. Let's look at his most popular video "LEGO Dimensions Slimer Ghostbusters Action Figure Unboxing Review Puppet Steve Minecraft". Fucking word salad title.
It has nearly 300k views, which is shocking considering his small sub count. Even more shocking considering the video only has 416 overall ratings (382 Likes, 34 Dislikes) and only 17 comments. I suspect there's foul play abound with the view counts, making Puppet Steve look more popular than he really is. Something he did before on his SkylanderC channel. Even when trying something new, he has to cheat.

I'll give him one thing, this is original. Unless there's a Minecraft-related puppet show I'm unaware of, this is far more original than Irate Gamer. But that doesn't mean it's good. I understand this is for kids, but kids deserve faaaaar better than this. Some of the stuff he covered on this channel I would rather show to kids. Gravity Falls, Zootopia, Secret Life of Pets, Ghostbusters (the original and the cartoon). Other stuff like the DC Animated Universe, The Lego Movie, Adventure Time, Kamen Rider, Super Sentai, Power Rangers, Yo-kai Watch, Marvel Cinematic Universe (yeah I know not the most kid-friendly, but the merch says otherwise), even Steven Universe as controversial as that is. I've heard good things about The Loud House. There's a ton of other things I would show kids, I would not subject them to this random garbage.

Now, there's one big elephant in the room that needs to be addressed. Why are you hiding this Chris? My source claims Chris is attempting to distance himself from the Irate Gamer name. You're not doing a good job of that Chris.
Why not tell your fans? Surely some of them would like to know what the fuck you're doing these days. They yell at you because you're not making actual content, just shitty box videos and app videos. If you tell them "I'm working on puppet stuff", then they would likely understand you. But no, you're hiding this. Hell, you're hiding the name "Chris Bores". The videos don't end with "Created by Chris Bores", just a "please subscribe" endslate.
If you're no longer doing actual Irate Gamer content just to focus on this, TELL YOUR FANS! Don't jerk them around with "I'm thinking of retiring guys, I might do a Kickstarter maybe I don't know" and "I'm on break, totally on break". I mean, you went on about how you don't have the time and money to do Irate Gamer, and yet you seem to have plenty of time and money to do this puppet show. BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE! Enough with the lies, especially when you can't even keep your story straight.

I am impressed he kept this hidden since January, and I'm sure he's been fearing the day I would learn about it. I'm sure you've got a plan of some kind right Chris?

And I see you posted another video on your IG channel, another god damn box. *looks through* He calls Tetris on Game Boy rare... in case you needed another sign that Bores has no idea what he's talking about. Which by the way is very prevalent in the Puppet Steve videos. Especially in the Five Nights at Freddy's one.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

If You Have Time To Make Multiple Shilling Videos, You Have Time to Make Actual Content!

Chris has been weirdly busy lately. Three videos posted within in the last three days, two of them within the same day. Of course, none of it is actual content, just more paid advertisements for crap nobody wants.

First is a "tech review", and he starts this one by... looking at shoes. Not the first thing I think of when it comes to tech.
They're shoes based on the ones from Back to the Future Part II. Sorry, but unless they can tie themselves like in the movie, they're nothing more than a novelty. Which is an apt description as all these things do is light up. I used to wear light up shoes, when I was 8. Only point of these shoes is to swindle nostalgia-blind morons like Bores. Or if you want to dress up like Marty McFly for Halloween since they come from a site literally called "".

Next is a light-up keyboard. Not a piano, a computer keyboard. Good lord is that neon distracting. When are you ever going to type in the dark? If you're good at typing, you don't need to see it.
He calls it "incredible" multiple times. You have a very broad definition of what qualifies as "incredible".

Next is a headset intended for gaming. Which Bores will never use because "fuck video games".
He calls them high-end. *looks up price* $150, which isn't much compared to other high-end headsets (I've seen them go for over $1000).

Another fucking power bank, enough of these!

Another flash drive I don't care

Aaaand a massage pillow. Still don't care, these "tech reviews" are still boring, onto the next video.

Still like boxes? No? Too bad, it's another Box Wars. Again, do his fans really want this? This seems like a waste of time and money. Money that could be used towards his show if it really is a big deal.

Or maybe he's taking a break, because in the description of the Box Wars video he says "I've been taking the summer off from game reviews". Is something wrong Chris? You cried on Facebook about how you were retiring for good and how you were considering crowd-funding to get another season, yet here you are on YouTube saying "I'm only on break herp-a-derp". It's like he sees his Facebook audience and his YouTube audience as two completely different groups. Maybe he still takes his audience as massive idiots that won't know the difference? It's confusing.

Well, at least this is a shorter box video.

Starting on 1Up Box. The theme is Suicide Squad. Good job cashing in on a crappy movie.
- First item is a Funko Pop! figure of... the Scarecrow. Who is not in Suicide Squad. In fact I'm pretty sure that's the Scarecrow from the Rocksteady Arkham games. He shows the other Pop! figures that one could have gotten, but he doesn't bother focusing the camera on it. I think it's Batman, Joker, and Harley-Quinn.
-  A Deadshot air freshener. Chris does not mention it's Deadshot. Then he takes a sniff, and the foghorn sound to indicate it's "stinky" plays. I know you're attempting a joke, but you don't seem to understand that the point of an air freshener is to make thing smell good, not bad. Sooo it's not funny, just idiotic and makes you look dumb.
- A t-shirt that combines Super Mario with Suicide Squad. Mario as the Joker controlling the others like a puppetmaster. Luigi as Deadshot, Peach as Harley, Daisy as Enchantress and I think Bowser is meant to be Killer Croc. You can tell this was made long ago as it implies the Joker actually had a role in the movie outside of glorified cameo.
- A Ghostbusters dog tag that Chris calls a keychain. Oh yeah, I totally remember the Ghostbusters in Suicide Squad. Also, Chris' audio screws up here.
- Finally a poster featuring a cartoon-ish Groot pushing Rocket Raccoon on a swing. Okay that's not even the same company! This was barely a Suicide Squad themed box.

Onto My Geek Box. Super hero items. Yaaaaay...
- A Batman & Superman bottle opener. Yawn...
- A Funko Dorbz figure of Wolverine.
- A t-shirt for Raphael's Pizzeria, oh I'm sorry Rafael's Pizzaria. What a junk shirt, can't even spell things right. It's meant to reference TMNT as there's also of an image of a sai stabbing a slice of pizza. Also the phone number is 11 digits instead of 10. What is this?
- A copy of Civil War II #0 with a variant cover. Laaame.
- And a Goonies mug featuring Sloth.

We've got a new box, Comic Bento. Comics you can eat? Or food items related to comics? Or rather manga since you're using the term "bento".
- Oh, they give graphic novels. Starting with It Came by Dan Boultwood. 
- BubbleGun by Mark Roslan. Had to look it up because Chris doesn't show the damn cover.
- Bacon is a Vegetable, Coffee is a Vitamin. "Which is also a graphic novel" Thanks for reminding me, I totally forgot this was a box of graphic novels.
- And something Voltron related which Chris claims is the coolest because "MUH NOSTALGIA"

Next is ZBOX.
- Starting with a novel based on Arrow (the TV series). Though Chris calls it "The Arrow". Weird.
- A Legend of Zelda t-shirt. I think it's Ocarina of Time based going by the clock.
- A small figure of The Flash.
- A coffee mug shaped like Link's Hylian Shield.
- A figure of Yoshi in Mario Kart. Man, what a boring box...

Apparently Chris got a second My Geek Box, due to a shipping error. Somehow he got the one for next month. Spoilers I guess? If you care.
- A shirt that says GEEK in the same font as Sega's logo.
- A tiny figurine of Gokai Silver, I mean the Super Megaforce Silver Ranger. Ugggh, don't remind me of that fucking season...
- A Bowser figure.
- A copy of Jupiter's Legacy 2 from Image Comics.
- And finally a TMNT mug, which broke in shipping. OH WELL! 
"And that's this month's ZBOX" Wait, I thought this was next month's My Geek Box? *goes back* Oh my god, he just recycled the same sound clip from the last box. I mean wow, he didn't bother to record a new line or even reuse first My Geek Box line. This lack of effort is baffling.

Another new box, Universal Yums. Holy shit that box looked like went through the ringer. Anyway, more snacks.
- Taiwanese Pea Crackers
- Taiwanese Strawberry Cornmeal Snacks
- Some Taiwanese noodles. I can't tell from the package or what Chris is saying (he slurred his words)
- A Green Tea Choco Roll
- Taiwanese Frito Lay's
- A bunch of candy. As well as a booklet that tells you everything, stating that all of the snacks came from Taiwan. You know I think you'd do better if you had an assortment of different countries, not just one.
Apparently Chris has food allergies.

LootCrate time. The theme is the future. As in Chris has none! I know I already made that joke, but it's more obvious with the more of these terrible box videos he puts out.
- A copy of the comic book 4001 AD from Valiant Comics, which Chris waxes nostalgic about as he hasn't heard from them since the 90's during the "Death of Superman". Weird to bring up that storyline... you could have just said the 90's, everyone was reading comics then. The whole spectator boom? Hello?
- A Star Trek: TNG sticker. This one has the Enterprise D's plaque. Weak...
- A Star Trek pin, which Bores barely focuses into the camera because second takes are for pussies.
- A random Mega Man figure. He got a red Mega Man (probably with Fire Man's power)
- A t-shirt featuring the innards of the Dimensional Portal Gun from Rick & Morty. What an esoteric aspect to reference, which would actually be in line with Dan Harmon's bizarre thinking. Also Bores just refers to it as the "machinery" from the show. Clear sign he doesn't watch it?
- And "the coolest item" is a mini-statue of the Planet Express ship from Futurama. Yawn...

Then he takes a look at one of the LootCrate off-shoots, LVL UP. Which apparently has "mystery apparel"?
- He got a hoodie with the cast of Futurama on it. Really? I can't even tell what's on that. It looks like a bunch of bumps or stains. What kind of shitty hoodie is this?
And in a shocking bit of self-awareness, Chris doesn't like the LVL UP add-on and says you can go to any store and get a similar shirt. *clap clap clap* You almost have it, now you just have stop making videos about these junk boxes.

Onto BAM Box, thankfully no annoying jump cuts and yelling.
- He got a pin or something, I can't tell the camera won't focus.
- A Yoda bookend. Why?
- Mars Space Sand, which goes into water to bleed or something? It's clear he edited in that part about the water much later.
- A piece of a uniform from Alien. I doubt that's authentic, that movie is 37 years old, if the suits still exist they're not going to cut them and hand them out.
- Star Trek: TNG pins.
- A signed print of Green Lantern staring down Sinestro. Bores continues to claim he loves Green Lantern 
- And a signed Green Lantern comic. Maan that's old, Superman has his black chest insignia and that's the DC logo that was phased out in 2005. But I guess you get what you pay for ($37.98 for one month). "I'm so excited" You sure sound it.

Finally ending on Lootaku, which he still can't pronounce.
- Starting on a hat featuring Goku's symbol from DBZ. Bores only calls it a Dragon Ball hat even though the English DBZ logo is on the back of it. Smooooth.
- A mini figure of Super Saiyan Goku
- A coffee mug with SS Goku
- A random Shonen Jump figure (which he calls the "Shonen Jump Comics" uggggh). He wants someone from Dragon Ball but got someone from Naruto (which he pronounces Na-ROO-to instead of NAR-u-to). To be fair, he did get Sasuke, and Sasuke is a tool.
- A figure of Gotenks, I doubt Bores got that far in the series
- And a Dragon Ball keychain.

Onto the "awards"
Best shirt goes to the horribly spelled Rafael's Pizzaria
Fourth best item was the Dragon Ball keychain
Third best was the Hylian Shield mug
Second best was the signed Green Lantern items
And the best was the Planet Express mini statue.
Fourth best box was My Geek Box  (the first one)
Third best was LootCrate
Second best was ZBOX
Best was BAM Box

Well, at least he didn't go overboard with the editing and stupid jokes. It's like he started out doing that, but then gave up when he realized "nobody is laughing". 
And hey, he didn't sign off with "Game On". There's an improvement.

And finally the third video... is another shitty app. I did notice that in all three videos (and the Wisdom Tree Kickstarter), he's wearing the same Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare shirt. So that tells me he shot all these videos in like one afternoon. Chris, if you have time to film four videos in one sitting, then you have time to provide real content. Especially when three of the videos are edited.
Seriously, what's with that "I'm only on break" comment? You can't keep your story straight and that's why nobody trusts you.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Time Keeps on Shillin' Shillin' Shillin' Into the Future (Which Chris Doesn't Have)

Chris just posted something... interesting to say the least. I'll get to that in a bit, but first the other video he posted a few days ago.

This one he shills another box, for the "meal replacement" drink Soylent. The very same drink that was found to have more lead than the legal amount approved by California and thus is very toxic to drink! Not to mention, naming your product after a movie that involved turning people into food. But Chris don't care, he's getting paid! The fans certainly don't like it. Lots of dislikes and unsubscribes. Chris really doesn't get it, but MONEY!
What's weird is that in the beginning of the video, he said he just did a Box Wars "the other day". Last Box Wars: July 14th. Soylent video: August 1st. Once again, Chris has no idea how time works. Either that or he filmed this like a couple days after the Box Wars and didn't post it until now, and that makes no sense since it's a two minute video where just shills a product, not something edited with "thought" put into it.

Now the newest video, hoo boy is this a doozy. Chris has been "asked" by Wisdom Tree to promote a Kickstarter, one that's a product to play all their bible games, either a "plug-and-play" device or an NES cartridge.
First of all, Wisdom Tree is still around? I thought they died out with LJN, Acclaim and all the other shit-slingers of the 8-bit era. I know that Super 3D Noah's Ark was released on Steam last year, but I thought that was another company that just had the rights, not Wisdom Tree themselves.
Second, and I really want to know this, why? Why would anyone want this? These games were shit, they've been called shit for years, as far back as when Seanbaby talked about terrible NES games. Who would fund this? *checks* Apparently 276 people have funded $22,329 and have far exceeded its goal of $16,500. ... Sooo where does this place on the tier of "irresponsible money spending"? I imagine it 's up there with donating to "give me money to do nothing Patreons" and giving money to Christian Weston Chandler.
Third, why would you ask Chris Bores? He has never talked about your games. The most he's done is during that crappy portable NES "review" when he made a joke about it being able to play "games sent from heaven" and he's suddenly playing Bible Adventures. Other than that, he has said nothing. This is one of the least likely people to ask. Why not ask James Rolfe? He made three videos putting your games in the spotlight. Oh right, he probably doesn't want to promote a Kickstarter like this after the Cheetahman II one blew up in... his... GOD DAMN IT CHRIS! Are you done caring? Do you no longer have any shame? Are you just going to pretend the past never happened? Are you that desperate for money? I mean, you must be when you're considering doing a Kickstarter for more of your show (and you better explain why). This is just... wow.
Surprisingly, the fans aren't too mad about this one. There's more likes, and there's not a ton of negative comments. There are, mostly people wondering the same as me. Why do this?

Also, I'm pretty sure Chris doesn't understand the concept of unlicensed NES games. In the video itself, he mentions how Wisdom Tree's games had "different cartridges". That's because they weren't licensed by Nintendo, thus they have a different casing and parts inside that bypass the lockout chip. It's really amazing how little you know despite having grown up in the era. Can't even bother to do proper research.

At this point, I'm just waiting for the Kickstarter. I want to see how insane it is.