Thursday, August 11, 2016

If You Have Time To Make Multiple Shilling Videos, You Have Time to Make Actual Content!

Chris has been weirdly busy lately. Three videos posted within in the last three days, two of them within the same day. Of course, none of it is actual content, just more paid advertisements for crap nobody wants.

First is a "tech review", and he starts this one by... looking at shoes. Not the first thing I think of when it comes to tech.
They're shoes based on the ones from Back to the Future Part II. Sorry, but unless they can tie themselves like in the movie, they're nothing more than a novelty. Which is an apt description as all these things do is light up. I used to wear light up shoes, when I was 8. Only point of these shoes is to swindle nostalgia-blind morons like Bores. Or if you want to dress up like Marty McFly for Halloween since they come from a site literally called "HalloweenCostumes.com".

Next is a light-up keyboard. Not a piano, a computer keyboard. Good lord is that neon distracting. When are you ever going to type in the dark? If you're good at typing, you don't need to see it.
He calls it "incredible" multiple times. You have a very broad definition of what qualifies as "incredible".

Next is a headset intended for gaming. Which Bores will never use because "fuck video games".
He calls them high-end. *looks up price* $150, which isn't much compared to other high-end headsets (I've seen them go for over $1000).

Another fucking power bank, enough of these!

Another flash drive I don't care

Aaaand a massage pillow. Still don't care, these "tech reviews" are still boring, onto the next video.

Still like boxes? No? Too bad, it's another Box Wars. Again, do his fans really want this? This seems like a waste of time and money. Money that could be used towards his show if it really is a big deal.

Or maybe he's taking a break, because in the description of the Box Wars video he says "I've been taking the summer off from game reviews". Is something wrong Chris? You cried on Facebook about how you were retiring for good and how you were considering crowd-funding to get another season, yet here you are on YouTube saying "I'm only on break herp-a-derp". It's like he sees his Facebook audience and his YouTube audience as two completely different groups. Maybe he still takes his audience as massive idiots that won't know the difference? It's confusing.

Well, at least this is a shorter box video.


Starting on 1Up Box. The theme is Suicide Squad. Good job cashing in on a crappy movie.
- First item is a Funko Pop! figure of... the Scarecrow. Who is not in Suicide Squad. In fact I'm pretty sure that's the Scarecrow from the Rocksteady Arkham games. He shows the other Pop! figures that one could have gotten, but he doesn't bother focusing the camera on it. I think it's Batman, Joker, and Harley-Quinn.
-  A Deadshot air freshener. Chris does not mention it's Deadshot. Then he takes a sniff, and the foghorn sound to indicate it's "stinky" plays. I know you're attempting a joke, but you don't seem to understand that the point of an air freshener is to make thing smell good, not bad. Sooo it's not funny, just idiotic and makes you look dumb.
- A t-shirt that combines Super Mario with Suicide Squad. Mario as the Joker controlling the others like a puppetmaster. Luigi as Deadshot, Peach as Harley, Daisy as Enchantress and I think Bowser is meant to be Killer Croc. You can tell this was made long ago as it implies the Joker actually had a role in the movie outside of glorified cameo.
- A Ghostbusters dog tag that Chris calls a keychain. Oh yeah, I totally remember the Ghostbusters in Suicide Squad. Also, Chris' audio screws up here.
- Finally a poster featuring a cartoon-ish Groot pushing Rocket Raccoon on a swing. Okay that's not even the same company! This was barely a Suicide Squad themed box.

Onto My Geek Box. Super hero items. Yaaaaay...
- A Batman & Superman bottle opener. Yawn...
- A Funko Dorbz figure of Wolverine.
- A t-shirt for Raphael's Pizzeria, oh I'm sorry Rafael's Pizzaria. What a junk shirt, can't even spell things right. It's meant to reference TMNT as there's also of an image of a sai stabbing a slice of pizza. Also the phone number is 11 digits instead of 10. What is this?
- A copy of Civil War II #0 with a variant cover. Laaame.
- And a Goonies mug featuring Sloth.

We've got a new box, Comic Bento. Comics you can eat? Or food items related to comics? Or rather manga since you're using the term "bento".
- Oh, they give graphic novels. Starting with It Came by Dan Boultwood. 
- BubbleGun by Mark Roslan. Had to look it up because Chris doesn't show the damn cover.
- Bacon is a Vegetable, Coffee is a Vitamin. "Which is also a graphic novel" Thanks for reminding me, I totally forgot this was a box of graphic novels.
- And something Voltron related which Chris claims is the coolest because "MUH NOSTALGIA"

Next is ZBOX.
- Starting with a novel based on Arrow (the TV series). Though Chris calls it "The Arrow". Weird.
- A Legend of Zelda t-shirt. I think it's Ocarina of Time based going by the clock.
- A small figure of The Flash.
- A coffee mug shaped like Link's Hylian Shield.
- A figure of Yoshi in Mario Kart. Man, what a boring box...

Apparently Chris got a second My Geek Box, due to a shipping error. Somehow he got the one for next month. Spoilers I guess? If you care.
- A shirt that says GEEK in the same font as Sega's logo.
- A tiny figurine of Gokai Silver, I mean the Super Megaforce Silver Ranger. Ugggh, don't remind me of that fucking season...
- A Bowser figure.
- A copy of Jupiter's Legacy 2 from Image Comics.
- And finally a TMNT mug, which broke in shipping. OH WELL! 
"And that's this month's ZBOX" Wait, I thought this was next month's My Geek Box? *goes back* Oh my god, he just recycled the same sound clip from the last box. I mean wow, he didn't bother to record a new line or even reuse first My Geek Box line. This lack of effort is baffling.

Another new box, Universal Yums. Holy shit that box looked like went through the ringer. Anyway, more snacks.
- Taiwanese Pea Crackers
- Taiwanese Strawberry Cornmeal Snacks
- Some Taiwanese noodles. I can't tell from the package or what Chris is saying (he slurred his words)
- A Green Tea Choco Roll
- Taiwanese Frito Lay's
- A bunch of candy. As well as a booklet that tells you everything, stating that all of the snacks came from Taiwan. You know I think you'd do better if you had an assortment of different countries, not just one.
Apparently Chris has food allergies.

LootCrate time. The theme is the future. As in Chris has none! I know I already made that joke, but it's more obvious with the more of these terrible box videos he puts out.
- A copy of the comic book 4001 AD from Valiant Comics, which Chris waxes nostalgic about as he hasn't heard from them since the 90's during the "Death of Superman". Weird to bring up that storyline... you could have just said the 90's, everyone was reading comics then. The whole spectator boom? Hello?
- A Star Trek: TNG sticker. This one has the Enterprise D's plaque. Weak...
- A Star Trek pin, which Bores barely focuses into the camera because second takes are for pussies.
- A random Mega Man figure. He got a red Mega Man (probably with Fire Man's power)
- A t-shirt featuring the innards of the Dimensional Portal Gun from Rick & Morty. What an esoteric aspect to reference, which would actually be in line with Dan Harmon's bizarre thinking. Also Bores just refers to it as the "machinery" from the show. Clear sign he doesn't watch it?
- And "the coolest item" is a mini-statue of the Planet Express ship from Futurama. Yawn...

Then he takes a look at one of the LootCrate off-shoots, LVL UP. Which apparently has "mystery apparel"?
- He got a hoodie with the cast of Futurama on it. Really? I can't even tell what's on that. It looks like a bunch of bumps or stains. What kind of shitty hoodie is this?
And in a shocking bit of self-awareness, Chris doesn't like the LVL UP add-on and says you can go to any store and get a similar shirt. *clap clap clap* You almost have it, now you just have stop making videos about these junk boxes.

Onto BAM Box, thankfully no annoying jump cuts and yelling.
- He got a pin or something, I can't tell the camera won't focus.
- A Yoda bookend. Why?
- Mars Space Sand, which goes into water to bleed or something? It's clear he edited in that part about the water much later.
- A piece of a uniform from Alien. I doubt that's authentic, that movie is 37 years old, if the suits still exist they're not going to cut them and hand them out.
- Star Trek: TNG pins.
- A signed print of Green Lantern staring down Sinestro. Bores continues to claim he loves Green Lantern 
- And a signed Green Lantern comic. Maan that's old, Superman has his black chest insignia and that's the DC logo that was phased out in 2005. But I guess you get what you pay for ($37.98 for one month). "I'm so excited" You sure sound it.

Finally ending on Lootaku, which he still can't pronounce.
- Starting on a hat featuring Goku's symbol from DBZ. Bores only calls it a Dragon Ball hat even though the English DBZ logo is on the back of it. Smooooth.
- A mini figure of Super Saiyan Goku
- A coffee mug with SS Goku
- A random Shonen Jump figure (which he calls the "Shonen Jump Comics" uggggh). He wants someone from Dragon Ball but got someone from Naruto (which he pronounces Na-ROO-to instead of NAR-u-to). To be fair, he did get Sasuke, and Sasuke is a tool.
- A figure of Gotenks, I doubt Bores got that far in the series
- And a Dragon Ball keychain.

Onto the "awards"
Best shirt goes to the horribly spelled Rafael's Pizzaria
Fourth best item was the Dragon Ball keychain
Third best was the Hylian Shield mug
Second best was the signed Green Lantern items
And the best was the Planet Express mini statue.
Fourth best box was My Geek Box  (the first one)
Third best was LootCrate
Second best was ZBOX
Best was BAM Box

Well, at least he didn't go overboard with the editing and stupid jokes. It's like he started out doing that, but then gave up when he realized "nobody is laughing". 
And hey, he didn't sign off with "Game On". There's an improvement.

And finally the third video... is another shitty app. I did notice that in all three videos (and the Wisdom Tree Kickstarter), he's wearing the same Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare shirt. So that tells me he shot all these videos in like one afternoon. Chris, if you have time to film four videos in one sitting, then you have time to provide real content. Especially when three of the videos are edited.
Seriously, what's with that "I'm only on break" comment? You can't keep your story straight and that's why nobody trusts you.

26 comments:

  1. Suicide Squad was a waste of my time. I will admit it's handled better than Batman V Superman and the characters are more likeable and well-written this time around, but the film is still plagued with bad dialogue, too many damn close-ups, soundtrack that doesn't fit the scenes at all (Guardians of the Galaxy did their soundtrack so much better.), introductions that take longer than they should, jokes that I don't really find that funny at all and the Joker was completely pointless to the plot.

    I know many of you think I'm crazy for saying this but I enjoyed the Ghostbusters reboot more than Suicide Squad. At least in that film, I actually laughed out loud in the theater.

    Anyways, I really don't like any of the shirts that these boxes (especially 1up Box) include at all. All those pictures on the shirts are usually crossovers that don't make any sense at all (Seriously? Mario and Suicide Squad? Jurassic Park and Walking Dead? Huh?!?!) and I love that My Geek Box misspelt Raphael. Such an epic fail. This is why I don't trust any of these subscription boxes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, one more thing. If his Leonardo cup broke during shipping, why can't he just contact My Geek Box to get him a replacement? If Lootcrate can recall all of their Infinity Gauntlet oven mittens, it's possible. But no, calling companies to replace customer's broken items is for losers.

      Delete
    2. Never thought I'd say this, but as much as I disliked its trailers, I actually found Ghostbusters far more entertaining than Suicide Squad.

      Delete
    3. @ Phantom

      These two films proved that you can't judge a film by its marketing campaign.

      Delete
    4. Suicide Squad is the most overhyped, overrated film in a long time. At Tampa Comic Con this year, it was the most frequent cosplay.

      Delete
  2. My cousin actually has a neon keyboard. It's pretty neat, but whatever!

    And Crisbo is running out of excuses at this point! He should just get it out and say "I really don't care anymore"!
    -_-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's sad. He used to care. I guess he figured you can't please everybody, but instead of deciding to please only his fans, he's not even doing that and unintentionally driving them away in the process.

      Delete
  3. I still think it's funny how he pronounces Olala like "Ooh La La". Makes me wonder if his next box wars video will feature a box of dildos and cheap Ron Jeremy DVDs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anyone notice the several audio screw-ups in this video? As well as the quick cuts to things we just saw? Wow, talk about awful editing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Eh... I say Suicide Squad was an improvement over Batman V Superman, not NEARLY as bad as the RT score indicates. But if I had to give it a score, it, right now, would be around 60% or so.

    They shouldn't've given the editing duties to the people who made the first trailer. That's the major problem with the movie (to me): the editing was pretty bad. El Diablo in the final battle was too fucking fast, they cut out a bunch of Leto Joker, that kind of stuff for example.

    I wish they could give all the footage to another editor to make a recut.

    Oh, but more on topic, when's Chrisco finally going to change his name from Irate Gamer to the Irate Unboxer?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think he should have "Irate" in his name period, seeing that he doesn't act 'irate' in his videos outside of his regular game reviews, and it was used as part of a title for a show that was a cheap knockoff dollar store version of the AVGN show.

      Delete
  6. I wonder what Bores would think of Sausage Party. It combines two of his favorite things: edgy comedies and of course FOOD.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By edgy comedies I assume you mean ones that completely pander to their audience while pretending to be 'outrageous', like Family Guy.

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  7. Replies
    1. To be fair, that subscription box's intentions are not bad. *Sees LJN game as the first Chris pulls out*....more than others.

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    2. his "review" is terrible.

      Tetris being "rare" is laughable.

      Delete
    3. He thinks Tetris on Game Boy is harder to find than Major League Baseball? Not saying the latter is ultra rare but Tetris came with most Game Boys.

      Delete
    4. By the way, I looked into it. That crate costs $30 to $35 per month depending on subscription length. That Mario Kart can be had for less than $10 and Tetras for under 5. To be fair the box includes shipping. Still doesn't seem too cost effective. There might be reasons other than cost to get this box but I personally don't see the value.

      Delete
    5. do you get to keep the games? (haven't bothered to look up the website) Seems like an easy/deceptive way for a company to dump 80% shitty old games under the guise of a loot crate. It's not like you'd actually get a little samson or Stadium events.

      Delete
    6. Wow, he used the phrase "shake a stick at" without the comparative "more."

      Delete
    7. @You Tubed

      Yes, you keep the games

      Delete
  8. http://image.prntscr.com/image/6d08cbc1b4e94981b4765333c8e753d1.png Not anything special, just him linking to the Wisdom Tree kickstarter.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kenny Baker, best known for playing R2-D2 in the Star Wars films, has passed away. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every Star Wars fan will miss him, even me, although I am not a Star Wars fan myself.

      Delete
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