Friday, February 24, 2017

Why "Puppet Steve" Fails as a Kid's Show

You guys realize that this is a hobby right? I don't keep up with this full time.
I know I haven't done highlights for the first half of February, but since February is a short month, I'll just do the entire thing in one post. Especially as a bunch of videos are "Steve" at ToyFair 2017 and have very little to bring up. I will mention that Chris screwed up and showed his real hand in one of them. Probably would have gotten weird looks if he wore the felt gloves.

To hold you over, I'm going to respond to one piece of criticism I've been getting. "Puppet Steve is for kids, it doesn't have to be good, and is above your mocking".
No. Hell no.
The idea that something intended for kids doesn't have to be good is a disgusting mindset used by cynical assholes and greedy fat cats that think children will watch any crap you just throw on the screen. Children deserve better, and there is far better out there.

Puppet Steve is absolutely toxic to children. Here are some reasons why.


This is where most kid's media fails, by pandering to the lowest common denominator. Fart jokes, poop jokes, bad puns, references, instead of trying to craft a narrative with well-written characters and conflicts. You can have the above sure, but don't let them take precedent.
"Puppet Steve" is nothing but pandering, but of a different kind. "Look at the toys! Look at my toys! I have toys! TOYS TOYS TOYS! Kids love toys! Love me kids! LOVE MEEEEEE and give me money!" He condescends to a child's love of toys in order to keep their attention. It's shameless and more parents should notice this.
The references only make things more annoying, especially when he references media that his uber-young audience has no idea about!
Unsurprisingly, Chris adores clickbait. Putting in subjects that have nothing to do with the video in the vain hopes of getting higher in searches. Like putting Lego in the title of a toy that isn't Lego. One bad example is when he looks at a Batman: Arkham City themed Harley Quinn statue, but he puts Suicide Squad in the title because "it's popular and will make me money".

Repetitive Flood of One Subject

Much like when Irate Gamer got a small boost in views with Skylanders and flooded the channel with related videos (and likely sped-up its death), Puppet Steve got a small boost in views when looking at Five Nights at Freddy's and now the majority of his videos are related to the haunted animatronics because "money money money". This will bite him when FNAF is no longer a hot property. But the overabundance of FNAF does hurt the channel when he also showcases other toys. He could expand on those but NOPE MORE FNAF GOTTA HAVE MORE FREDDY.

Now I am aware there are toy channels that specialize in one genre, like Transformers and Tokusatsu (Kamen Rider & Super Sentai/Power Rangers). However, those toys offer far more variety and value than the boring plastic FNAF figures Chris is always flaunting. That and those channels do something that Puppet Steve NEVER does.

Not a Real Review Show

Chris never actually reviews the toys he looks at. He'll briefly show something, but instead of going into detail he'll just tell a joke and move on. That's not how you review something.
The above mentioned Transformers and Toku toy channels actually go into detail, describe the positives and negatives, the toy quality, the ways to use it, if it's a good deal or price. Chris never goes into any of this. The most he'll say is "cool". I know that most of the toys he looks at are boring plastic figures with no articulation, but that turns around to another problem, Chris is limiting himself. There's plenty of entertaining toys to make reviews about, instead Chris just opts to do lazy "joke" showcases. He shouldn't call what he does a "review show", but a "showcase". "Hey kids, today I'm going to showcase this toy. Isn't it cool Zombie Steve?" Just throw away all pretense that this is a review.

Incapable of Taking Criticism

If you ever venture into the Puppet Steve comments, you might notice something among all the poorly spelled gibberish from 6 year olds. There's no negativity. "Perhaps he's just that good" No, this is YouTube, people will be negative about anything. Instead, Chris just hides every negative comment and pretends everything is perfect and happy. Amazing how after 10 years, Chris still can't take criticism.

Puppet Steve is Not a Good Role Model

To the parents hopefully reading this, your kids should not follow how Puppet Steve acts. He's insanely egocentric, but keeps trying to pretend he's a good guy. He isn't, he yells at his friends, he acts like a bully towards "Puppet Alex", he constantly has to stroke his own ego with the few times he does discuss Minecraft toys, it's all extremely annoying and makes him unlikable and unwatchable.

This wouldn't be the first time. Back on Irate Gamer, he was lauded as a hero and a chosen one, but he was extremely insensitive, rude and violent. Yet we were supposed to root for him because... reasons. He commits more evil than the actual "Evil Gamer". Oh god I hope we don't get an "Evil Steve".

There's No Actual Minecraft in "Minecraft Puppet Steve"

At the beginning, Chris wanted to make this the "Marty and Muffin" show. Same premise of toy non-reviews but with original characters. When that didn't catch on in an instant (seriously, only two videos) he looked up what's popular and decided "Minecraft". Hence, Minecraft Puppet Steve. However, the only reason is brand recognition and not actually playing the game. Yeah, there's no Minecraft gameplay on his channel. I don't think he's even played the game. I recall back in 2013, on his site he wrote a post about the South Park episode "Informative Murder Porn" where all the adults try to learn Minecraft after the kids blocked the "IMP" channels with a Minecraft related password, and in it Chris said "I never understood it".

And it's clear that even now, he still hasn't bothered to play it. In the videos where talks about Minecraft toys he makes mistakes. Like calling "The End" the "Enderzone" or that the Enderdragon breathes fire (it doesn't). This only showcases how completely cynical and soulless this whole show is, he just attached himself to a popular thing and trying to ride the train as long as he can before people get sick of it and he cries into his ghosts before going into another trend. You need to stop chasing trends Chris, find what you want.
Speaking of cynical...

Cynical, Lazy, and Insulting to Kids

I feel this is Puppet Steve's biggest crime. Chris does not want to entertain kids, he just wants money. He wants to put the least amount of effort in possible for maximum profit. He hated doing Irate Gamer because he had it be an effects showcase, and that's what his fans expected. With Puppet Steve, he barely has to put in effects, and if he does they're really basic ones like copying an image or green screen.
This connects to the above, how he'll do the bare minimum and hope for money. Chris doesn't understand that he needs to work harder, as eventually he'll lose his audience, just like he did with Irate Gamer. History can repeat if you don't learn from it. Being lazy and soulless like this is only going to drive people away.
You can deliver an entertaining product for kids, you need talent. Chris lacks that, and we know he lacks that, and I guarantee that when those children get older, they'll look back and realize "Wow, this is shit". It happened with Irate Gamer, and it will happen here. Side-note: Any other former IG fans want to provide testimonials? I'll be happy to share them.
Chris' lack of care is evident in every video. There is no passion. Chris doesn't know anything about the toys he's showcasing. It's evident when it took him like 30 videos to get Chica's gender right. Puppet Steve is nothing more than a product to throw at kids while ad revenue rolls in and he doesn't have to put in any effort. Pretty sure he copypastes his scripts too. You haven't earned a damn thing Chris, and I hope you realize that.

On another note, to any parents possibly reading, I should warn you that Chris Bores is a Pizzagate believer and possibly believes in other conspiracy theories. He listens to Alex Jones and he believes in ghosts. His attempt at conning people with his book Ghost Hunting 2.0 completely failed. I don't think you want your kids listening to a man that unironically believes in the guy that screams about chemicals turning the frogs gay.
Just keep an eye on what your kids are watching, they're the future.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Puppet Steve "Highlights" January 16-31 (plus Chris' 7th IG Retirement)

Sorry for the late posting everyone, I’ve been busy. The days just get away from me.

Before we get to the “highlights”, there’s something major to address. Chris has since changed the CB Network description to say that Irate Gamer is now retired. Basically saying “thank you for the 9 years, and the haters too”. No video, no explanation, just a lazy “it’s over, go away” channel description. … And I don’t buy it.

See, Chris recently posted another shilling video, for some crappy mobile game called “Best Fiends Forever” where you just tap the screen a lot. He mentions some event that will happen in February, but the text on screen says “event ends January 23rd”. Five days before he posted the video. Smoooooth.
Now what’s weird is that despite being “retired”, his posters are still up. You’d think if he was truly done, he would take those down since he only has them for “Irate Gamer”. Not only that but all his games are still there behind him. Put them in storage or sell them off. Chris has done this before, where he cries retirement but then comes back. Probably trying to pull “no don’t go we still love you”. He’s really bad at hiding it. Of course we don’t know for sure if fans want that since the latest video disabled comments and ratings. Pretty sure your sponsors don’t like that.

If you really really REALLY are done Chris, make a video. Explain why. Tell the fans the truth, they deserve it. Stop being a coward for once in your life.

Now then, here’s the “highlights” for the second half of January on Puppet Steve. Eight videos.

Minecraft Wild Animal Pack Action Figure Jazwares Set Unboxing - Puppet Steve

- Chris really should use a different puppet if he’s barely going to talk about Minecraft.
- Zombie Steve can’t pronounce “animal” properly. Saying “aminals”. How old is he again?
- “This all new animal wild pack brings us all new animals” I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!
- His idea of the sheep “dancing” is to push it up and down. Laaame.
- “Black fur” It’s called wool! How dumb are you?
- Not even the end of the video and we already have a Zombie Steve tries to eat a toy “joke”. Who finds this funny?
- He claims the ocelot is the same as last time. It’s not, the new one has darker spots. It’s noticeable in the side view. Are you color blind Chris?
- And another eating toys joke? God damn it
- “Hostile Woof”
- Ah yeah, great features like a tail and legs that barely move. What fun!
- Dumb bit where the wolf does tricks. Uggggh.
- Actually that’s a Mooshroom, not a “Mushroom Cow”. Chris continues to show how little he knows about Minecraft.
- Awful bit where ZS and Steve are action figures instead of puppets. What’s the point?
- “He has a tail with a butt! Heh heh, butt” …………. Are you 2? I know the age gets lower every time, but… my god.
- It snows… indoors. Because ZS turned down the thermostat. … No.
- See this is why he fails as a reviewer. Any other reviewer worth their salt would bring up how the head and legs barely move at all and doesn’t make for a good toy. Chris is too much of a whore to care.

Five Nights at Freddy's Series 3 McFarlane Toys Parts and Services Playset Construction set Fnaf

- Well the FNAF crap didn’t take long. At least it’s a short video.
- Wonder if he’s going to brag about being one of the top channels that covers McFarlane Toys’ FNAF sets.
- Oh what the fuck, this isn’t even about a toy he has. This is about a toy that’s coming out.
- How can you even compare sizes when you only have a picture?!
- Dumb false jump scare from ZS
- Dumb bits involving multiple Foxy’s and Freddy’s. For some reason one of the Foxy’s call the FIVE Freddy’s “losers” because Chris doesn’t know how words work.
- Do his fans care for previews? Seriously?

SING illumination Movie Exclusive Action Figures Unboxing Review 2016 Puppet Steve

- Oh yay, crap from Illumination. Burn the Minions. Yes I know this is different but still, burn the Minions.
- So apparently Chris went to Universal Studios Florida. Where are you getting the money? Not only for toys but trips to Florida with your family that consist of your wife (?) and her two kids? That’s not cheap! Was it more ghost shit?
- It’s an exclusive toy, and Steve outright explains what “exclusive” means. I’m sure even the five year olds watching already know what that means!
- Buster Moon is holding a $100k contract. Steve demands ZS to sing so they can win. … It’s not real!
- ZS does the lamest rendition of Ghostbusters ever. Sounds nothing like it, and I know Chris wasn’t try to avoid copyright since he uses the theme ALL THE DAMN TIME!
- “That was terrible” So was your impression Chris, that sounded nothing like Matthew McConaughey. Not alright alright alright
- “I have to give that one 3 Poop Emojis” … How do you do fellow kids!
- Pointless singing bit with Ash who is voiced by ScarJo but sounds nothing like her. Sounds more like a chipmunk than a porcupine.
- Another pointless singing bit with Meena who is voiced by Tori Kelly, though looking at the movie’s official soundtrack, she doesn’t sing Shake It Off like in this video. I get the feeling Chris didn’t bother to research.
- Ends on Johnny, a gorilla voiced by Taron Egerton from Kingsmen. Chris makes him sing like a woman. … DUMB!

Five Nights at Freddy's Fnaf VS. NewIsland Lego Police Unboxing review

- *looks at title* … What?
- We got some knock-off Lego that you can probably find at a dollar store. Why is this a video?
- Did Chris make these names up? They’re absolutely retarded. Penelope von Worcestershire Sauce? What the fuck?
- Oh and a Minecraft figure of Steve tries to “hit on her”. I think…
-  These not-Lego vehicles look like crap
- Stupid stop-motion bit. … Is this the only reason this video was made? To have you “ride a motorcycle”?
- A police go-kart? What kind of crap is this?
- Then a zombie figure that’s meant to be Zombie Steve drives away with it.
- But then FNAF figures out of nowhere. Why? Because click bait and Chris knows these knock-off Lego would not make a popular video alone.
- And then a bunch of skits where the FNAF mascots steal vehicles. WHERE IS THE JOKE?! This is beyond retarded I mean wow.
- *slams head against wall* What was the point of this?!

MInecraft Mini Figures Playsets Series 1 Cave Biome Collection Playsets Unboxing Puppet Steve Show

- More stupid contests for FNAF garbage
- “Each one of these figures is super cute and cuddly” They’re plastic! Plastic is not cuddly! Do you even know what that word means?! They’re also waaaay too small.
- Looks at a playset called Mining Mountain “Let’s mine into this one. A HEH HEH” Steve’s laugh is starting to give me DSP vibes…
- “Grassy parts, mountain parts” Top notch reviewing!
- Ugh, dumb bit with spiders…
- “Check out this cool playset. It has lava, cool!” STOP SAYING COOL!
- “Arrows in my head” They aren’t in his head Chris.
- So he pushes the zombie mini-figure into lava, and adds custom fire to him. That seems like a lot of wasted effort Chris. Do you understand priorities?
- The third playset comes with a Creeper, which eventually results in Steve insulting them and getting blown up. Do Minecraft kids think getting blown up by a Creeper is a good joke EVERY TIME? Then again, I did see that awful Minecraft joke book where every punch line was either “he was blown up” or “what do you think happened”. Someone wrote that. I wonder if that’s where Chris got the inspiration for Minecraft “jokes”
- The final playset is called Waterfall Wonder and he says “I wonder what this one is about”. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY AND NOBODY ABOVE SEVEN LIKES YOU!
- The Alex figure reveals the waterfall … and the “Got an Item” jingle from Zelda plays. Good lord even here he can’t get his franchises right!
- “What is this, an episode of Indiana Jones or what?” Episode? Indiana Jones is a series of movies, they’re not episodes. Yeah there’s The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles but I don’t think that’s what he was going for.

PowerPuff Girls Laboratory Flip To Action Playset & Figures Packs Professor, Blossom Unboxing

- Oh no, toys from the awful reboot.
- Alex tackles Steve offscreen. Thank you.
- “Their girl’s toys” … I guess? I mean, the original show was enjoyed by everyone and I think that’s what they wanted with this reboot too. Then again, I don’t know what they wanted.
- When Alex points out there’s a toy box, Steve claims it looks like a toilet. Why does Steve keep bringing up toilets when Alex reviews stuff? It’s almost as bad as the AVGN and his toilet humor. Does Chris think that all girls hate toilet humor?
- Zombie Pigman? What?
- Steve thinks Utonium got Chemical X from Professor X of the X-Men. … He’s not that kind of professor Chris. Your jokes are not funny!
- Also his Utonium impression sucks.
- Why does Blossom come with a stuffed dinosaur? Must be something in the reboot.
- “Stuffed animal she has is a rubber ducky” Rubber duckys aren’t stuffed animals.
- ASDOFIlj;aedfijkasdlkjrtkl;aetj;klq34j; 6klkl;jst Sorry, there’s a retarded bit where Steve wants the PPG’s to work with Professor X to become the “X-Girls” so they can fight the X-Men. Afkkjladrtgsdfkl;kl;jsdfhjkl;se5gtk,kgkl’szegkl;sdfgkl;sdfgkl;arf
- “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” Tiny bit of respect gained back for Alex.
- Chris, making Steve annoying isn’t endearing, it’s painful.

Minecraft LEGO The Iron Golem Set 2017 Building Toy 21123 Unboxing Review Puppet Steve

- I still think Minecraft Lego is redundant.
- No Puppet Magic to put it together? Good, hopefully Chris realized that was idiotic.
- “We got grass, mountains” TOP NOTCH REVIEWING
- “Weird looking cave thing” What makes it weird?
- “Some flowers. SNIFF SNIFF” … Really? You couldn’t actually make the sound of sniffing? You had to outright say “sniff sniff”? How dumb do you think your audience is?
- Dumb bit involving a Snow Golem puppet. The Snow Golem is a thing in Minecraft.
- Steve is mad because the set doesn’t come with him. Not everything is about your stupid character Chris.
- “Lego bacon. A-heh-heh” No.
- The stop-motion seems lazier here than in previous videos.

LEGO Dimensions 1980's Gremlins, ET, A-Team, Mr. T, Harry Potter Themed Sets Unboxing Voldemort,

- Last video… and it’s Lego Dimensions. I can do this!
- Sets based on franchises from the 80’s. Wow, stuff that came LOOOOOOOONG before your target audience was born. Your stupid 80’s boner is showing Chris.
- Oh and Steve & ZS are wearing stupid 80’s glasses.
- “So many” … There’s four sets.
- “Gremlins? I remember that movie” Chris is probably stoned on “member berries” on a daily basis.
- Gizmo has old 3D glasses on his base, and Steve tries to see him in 3D. … Dumb. They’re there because Gizmo wore those in the movie.
- Gizmo comes with a cookie, causing Zombie Steve to eat him. Woooooow that totally isn’t ripping off a much better puppet show. God, you can not be original at all can you Chris?
- E.T. phones for pizza instead of home. … This feels like a rejected Family Guy bit.
- Next he looks at the A-Team set. “Oh man, gotta love that show” Your audience is five! They don’t know what that is!
- “Mr. T himself” No, that’s the character he played on The A-Team, B.A. Baracus. While there are occasional references to the actor, that’s meant to be the character in the show. In fact, there was a recent video posted to introduce Knight Rider into the game where KITT refers to him as “Mr. Baracus”.
- “Comes with the iconic A-Team bus” That’s a van you idiot! Way too small to be a bus! Also after he calls it iconic, he says “so iconic”. Stop with the redundancy.
- He’s looking at Harry Potter. Which didn’t come out the 80’s. He acknowledges it didn’t so why is he covering it? Also, Harry Potter came out in the 90’s with the first book out in 1997, the first movie wasn’t until 2001. Then again, this set is based on the movie so … I’ll let that part slide.
- You know, he could have waited until Knight Rider and The Goonies sets came out.
- He gave Harry Potter a high-pitched chipmunk voice. WHY?
- “The Harry Potter car” That’s Arthur Weasley’s flying car from Chamber of Secrets.
- Then a bit where Voldemort is run over by the Hogwarts Express
- “All the new Lego Dimensions sets” Nope. No Mission Impossible or Sonic the Hedgehog.
- Video ends with Zombie Steve donning Jason Vorhees’ hockey mask. No Chris, they’re not going to put Friday the 13th in Lego Dimensions, the idea is family friendly franchises. Friday the 13th is the opposite of family friendly.

That’s the rest of January. So far February will bring more TMNT, more Minecraft and more fucking FNAF.

Also it seems Chris has deleted all the Box Wars videos. I guess even he realized that was a terrible idea. So much useless crap.