Saturday, March 31, 2018

Bores Returns with FMV Garbage (and boring)

That was quick.

Seems Chris has already posted his first review for his comeback. A 10 minute (hoo boy) look at Sewer Shark. At least it’s actually a bad game, and I’m surprised it’s not an NES title.
Oh wait, it turns out that he’s not the Irate Gamer anymore. He’s actually… Chris Neo. Yeah seems that name change on Twitter actually had a point. It’s the Chris Neo Show. That is just dumb! Do you think you’re in the Matrix or something?

Let’s look at the description. Seems the hiatus was due to raising a family and “etcetera”. Not going to mention the puppets?
“Rebooted for 2018, the new flagship show of the channel, Chris Neo is a little bit of old with a little bit of new. Hope you enjoy. the show taking over this channel fro now on.” Yeah I can’t imagine it will be any different. Nice typo.
Below that he still has that moronic “Parapper the Rapper free” slogan, and below that is him saying “this is the Irate Gamer channel”. I thought this was Chris Tube now? Impressive, even with your big comeback, you’re still lazy as fuck.

Let’s begin.

0:00 - 0:21: We open on Bores fake-playing while wearing those stupid neon glasses, then notices us. “HEY GAMERS” Why did that sound so forced?
He explains that the show has “rebranded” and it will be “old mixed with new”. So I imagine it will just be old and new games. Not much different then?

0:21 - 0:30: We get our intro for the Chris Tube channel. A decently animated space shoot-em-up sequence. Doesn’t really tell us anything but okay.

0:31 - 1:09: Oh wow, he actually calls himself “Chris Neo”. He‘s still Bores (in more ways than one).
He says he’s going to look at something on Sega CD because he neglected it. “I have never reviewed one game for that system” SERIOUSLY? Not even a minute in and you got something wrong. You looked at Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on Sega CD. You know, the shitty FMV rhythm game? It was big finale to your terrible storyline! This is going to be a long video.
He notes how Sega CD owners couldn’t escape this game because it was bundled with the system. Technically true but it wasn’t until later. As Wikipedia puts it “Sewer Shark is one of the first titles for the Sega CD and one of its best-selling games, leading Sega to eventually bundle it with Sega CD units.” Keyword being eventually.
He puts the game in and then lowers his glasses as he starts. Ditch the glasses, seriously.

1:10 - 4:20: “The super cool start-up screen” Oh nooo he’s bringing over his Puppet Steve mannerisms! Hide the toys!
“Boy that takes me back” There it is, the old “I’m totally a gamer guys” pandering. Been wanting to dust that one off huh Chris?
He expresses surprise at seeing “A Hasbro Production” and how it’s “been so long that he forgot”. Not going to mention why? The game was in development for a VHS console called the Control-Vision, but Hasbro cancelled it so Tom Zito and his company Digital Pictures made it a Sega CD game.

“That’s the iconic opener” … There is nothing “iconic” about Sewer Shark. It is not a game most people remember fondly. You should look up what iconic means.
He goes on about how “ground-breaking it was” and it’s likely the reason they packaged it. Also it technically isn’t the first game to have live-action FMVs, the Action Max from 1987, while a VCR console, had them first. Plus, Sewer Shark launched alongside Night Trap and two of those Make My Video games. Sega probably decided on Sewer Shark to bundle because it wasn’t controversial and it at least had gameplay (not good but it had it).
Then a lot of nothing happens… Chris makes a couple comments but just lets the intro play.
“You’ve gotta love this intro” Do I? Because it’s really fucking cheesy, and not in a good way.
“It has all that 1980’s campiness to it” Oh yeah, all that 80’s camp. Perfectly shown on the game’s release date of October 15th 1992!
Okay the footage was produced in 1987, and it would have been nice if Chris pointed out the reason why it took five years to come out *points up to the Hasbro comment*

Then Chris out of nowhere states that Ghost (the commanding officer that talks to you) reminds him of “the grandson from Mama’s Family”, and then shows a bit from that show’s theme song to compare. Oh yeah because your young fans are going to know what Mama’s Family is. Does that even play on TV or stream on Netflix or Hulu? The most young people know about that show is from a joke on The Simpsons.

Ghost gives him his nickname of Dog Meat, and Chris claims he’s been called worse. Huh, no lies detected in that one.
More intro… Catfish (the weird orb with googly eyes) shows up, Chris claims that he was brought in to appeal to kids. I don’t think this game appeals to anyone.
“Hey it worked, because I was a kid when I played this game” No you weren’t you liar! You only just played this.

4:21 - 6:28: FINALLY he gets to the game part of the game, and he tries to be self-aware and note that it took four minutes to get here. Being self-aware doesn’t change the fact this video is poorly paced.
He compares the game to Captain EO and Star Wars. Barely. Granted, at least there’s a tie to Star Wars here, the game’s effects were directed by John Dykstra, one of the founders of ILM and the lead effects director of the first Star Wars.
He goes over control, how you need to follow the arrows on top of the screen. His delivery is really awkward, more than normal. “Miss too many of them and you’ll becomes *beat* SEWER PASTE *pause* splattered on the wall” Did you do this in one take?

More explanation. Probably from a manual he found online.
Comments that the backgrounds are like a Hanna-Barbara cartoon. How many times has he done this comparison?
Then randomly edits in Huckleberry Hound. REFERENCES! Do kids even know who that is?
More explanation… not much to say.

6:29 - 8:34: He gets to a part where he wants to pause. Wanting to address a pink door.
It’s a barrier that indicates if you’re doing well. He wasn’t so he dies.
“Aw fucknuts” Uh oh, here comes the demonetization police.
Claims there’s no lives or continues (trying to confirm but I can’t find that info myself). I know there’s a code to have continues but that’s not accessible until your rank goes up.
He gets through the door, reaching the first cutscene with Robert Costanzo’s Stenchler. We get such riveting commentary from Chris like “Look at him eat, getting fat”. So poignant.

“Now the further you get in the game, of course, the difficulty increases” It’s almost like it’s a video game. Seriously Chris? 11 years and you’re still addressing that?
He complains that the arrows no longer show up, and you can only advance through hints, as shown with a cutscene with Falco telling you “12, 3, 12”. I looked in the game’s manual and the numbers indicate directions like a clock. 12 means going up, 9 means left, 6 means down, and 3 means right. Meaning you go up, right and up. Chris complains because he has to write it down and he can’t find a pencil.
Eventually he dies at a pink door, and notes this was as far as he could get. Then why is there still time in the video?

8:34 - 10:08: And now it’s time for “Footage taken from someone else’s channel without giving any credit at all!” What fun! It looks really terrible too.
He summarizes the end of the game. Claiming they murder the boss. Uhh not really, they just put him in an inner tube and roll him into the ocean. You do know what “deep six” means right?
Takes the game out, says it’s “super hard but super nostalgic” (stop), and that he has more to talk about for another video because it will get “long in the tooth”. Longer than 10 minutes? Oh please no.
He gives his “Game On” and then the room darkens to only show his glasses. Ditch them. Seriously.

Well… it wasn’t really cringey. Just so damn boring. Could have taken that time to do some research instead of the RIVETING commentary you were providing. So is “boring” going to be the standard? More boring I mean?

That’s all for me. I’m going to watch Spoony’s video on this game, from back when he was actually good and not a dumpster fire.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

He's back.

I had hoped to go through March without a single post. I was close too.

He's been silent on Facebook outside of a horrible thing he said about Stoneman Douglas survivor Emma Gonzalez, I chose not to address it fearing the political maelstrom that would follow.
Puppet Steve has been the same shit since he came back from ToyFair. Though there was this one massive 10:25 minute video discussing a toyline called, and I am not kidding, Poopeez. A line of toilet themed toys. I chose not to cover it because I couldn't last a minute without the assistance of hard liquor. Just imagine someone doing a fake annoying laugh after showing every single thing. View at your own risk.

But then, I got a surprise. I have been informed that Chris uploaded something new to "CB Network", formally the Irate Gamer channel. It's not ghost related.
What we get is a minute long video, and despite that it could have been shorter. The first 30 seconds focus entirely on a TV with Super Mario Bros paused on screen. Chris walks by and unpauses the game at the 30 second mark (see what I mean by shorter?) He jumps right into a Bullet Bill, dies, and lets out a cartoonish "DAMN IT". He then throws a pillow at his Samsung TV. Don't do that, that's a nice TV.

Then we get a little montage. Quotes like "You asked for it!" "Rebooted for 2018" "So get ready" and "Coming soon". Through out that we see Chris throwing a Genesis controller, holding a radio (what), and one last shot looking into the camera and saying "We're back baby!" In all his scenes, Chris is wearing these dorky looking neon glasses that glow in the dark. No, those look terrible, you can't be serious. Are you trying to be "80's" again? Even Ernest Cline would tell you to tone it down.

So yeah, Irate Gamer is coming back. Guess Puppet Steve isn't paying the bills anymore. Who knows, Chris never talks about why he does what he does outside of vague notions or outright lies. He'll probably try to do both IG and Puppet Steve, especially since he can basically turn Puppet Steve into a Mad Libs script.

One of the bigger changes is the channel name. It's no longer "CB Network", it's now "CHRIS-TUBE" (in all caps). The channel avatar is Chris in those dumb neon glasses. The channel banner shows the Chris-Tube logo and lists three things under it. "Video Games. Unboxings. Pop Culture". I sense more of the same shit he did when his channel was dying before this...
He also changed his Twitter name. The handle is still "@ChrisBoresIG", but the name is changed to "Chris NEO". So more of the same but with less effort? Just like IG Neo?

Sooooo yeah. Guess I've got more material in the future. I'll be seeing you then. Just don't expect same-day delivery.