When the TMNT told you to recycle, this isn't what they meant

With Chris claiming he’ll solely focus on NES games going forward, this would be a prime opportunity to cover something lesser known. Something that hasn’t been covered many times already. Maybe even dip into Japanese kusoge. … PFFFFFFF hahahahahahahaha. I couldn’t keep that up.

 

Of course not, that would require caring. Instead Chris is going to talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… again!  

 

Prior to releasing, Chris kept hinting the next video with the words “Cowabunga Shit”. This either meant “More TMNT” or “Oh great, another AVGN cameo”. I was correct on the first one, as it would be about the “history” of the first Arcade game. He also kept boasting about how this video would be 20 minutes long. Seriously, every post was like “I had so much to say I got it to 20 minutes!” Preliminary impressions tell me he had to reaaaaaally stretch it to reach that length. Especially since I can’t find too much development information about the TMNT Arcade game. The only names I can find attached to it are the composers, Konami denied credit to the people that developed the game. 

 

Then he just dropped the video. No premiere or anything. I thought you loved the chat heaping praise onto you as the video ran. Was I wrong?
From the title, it looks like he’s also going to be talking about the NES games… again. Are you that low on ideas that you must recycle old material? What are you even trying to accomplish?
Oh, but that’s not all. The title also says there will be an appearance from legendary voice Rob Paulsen, the voice of Raphael in the 1987 series and Donatello in the 2012 series. The second I saw that I rushed over to Cameo.com and wouldn’t you know it, you can buy a cameo from Mr. Paulsen for only $65 USD.  These guest stars aren’t that impressive knowing they’re simply from a site where you can do that, and for a surprisingly low fee. Granted, this is likely the best course of action considering we’re still in the middle of a plague, and nobody is taking it seriously. Robert Pattinson just got COVID and that’s only after three days of resuming Batman production. Dwayne Johnson and his family got it! Why aren’t people taking this seriously?! Is this Darwinism in overdrive?
 

Let’s get into it.

 

The video opens with an ad. Promoting TMNT toys from NECA, and a pair of video game history books from Bitmap Books. Are these official sponsorships? I don’t know. He doesn’t say anything in the description about that, and by the end doesn’t even thank anyone except for his guest. That just seems weird.

 

The actual video opens with IG commenting that it’s been an interesting season, with Ernie Hudson and AVGN showing up. Of course, because people watch you for the guest stars… what?
He states he doesn’t know what to review. That’s easy, just look at what you did before, and cross those off the list. Then pick what’s left.
That’s when we already get our Rob Paulsen cameo, using his Raphael voice to tell him to review the TMNT Arcade game. You know, this setup was slightly better in the Ghostbusters video, because Chris never touched that game. He already talked about TMNT 13 years ago. Why retread old ground? 

IG also states he’s going to go into his “disdain” for the NES version. Again, something you did 13 years ago. What’s the point?
 

Theme Song

After playing the opening part of the TMNT theme, he goes over the history. At least the cartoon (because fuck the original comic). The toys, the Archie comic, and the Arcade game. He gushes about how “a-static” he was as the game wasn’t announced (of course not, they didn’t really announce games like that back then) and he had to wait a long time to play it.
He does a list (I can already sense the padding) and gushes about the game allowing four-player mode. Not the first game to do that, Gauntlet did it years earlier. But this is Chris, and he’s not very smart.

“It was hard enough to find a 2-player game” I know Street Fighter wasn’t really big yet but that just seems wrong. “Knock me over with a Kid Icarus feather!” … What?

He admits that dumping his allowance into the game was “worth it” as the game was “so cool”, and one of the best parts is that you could switch to another turtle if you died. That only works if you’re playing alone. If you’re with three others, you’re stuck with the turtle you picked.
He then says his “only issue” (oh please) is that it didn’t have the voice actors from the show. What, you expected Konami to get the voice actors to record only like 3 lines?
But that was just an excuse to have more Rob Paulsen cameo, with Rob doing some Raphael lines. Somehow this is still the best part. I wonder how much Chris paid, because this feels like more than one $65 video.

We then get a bit where he scrambles to find a quarter before he gets a Game Over. Only to fail. Yeah that joke doesn’t really work when I know that’s a freeplay machine.

He then says in “the same summer”, Konami also released the NES game. Incorrect. The NES game came first in June 1989, the Arcade game came out November 1989. That’s not summer, that’s the holiday season. Another instance where Chris doesn’t know how time works.
Then a dumb bit where he writes a letter to Santa, and how everyone he knew had the game on their Christmas list.
After another “shell shocked” he comments how “just about every gamer bitchslapped this game already” Including you. Are we just pretending that your old videos no longer exist?
Then he claims that wasn’t true back in 1989, and he believes the game falls under what he calls the “Phantom Menace Effect”. What?

The “Phantom Menace Effect” refers to how back in 1999, nobody was allowed to say anything bad about the first new Star Wars movie in years. That’s not true. People had plenty to say about it, especially the annoying Jar Jar Binks. He acts like he didn’t like back then, but I doubt that. Chris was likely just as suckered in with the rest of the Star Wars fans. At least I was 9 years old! I had an excuse! 

And really, I don’t think that was the case in 1989. Granted, I wasn’t alive when the game came out, but I imagine plenty of people were annoyed with this game. The unfair difficulty, the poor hit detection, the odd use of source material. You were kids, you probably tried to convince yourself that this purchase or present was totally worth it, and not a waste. It happens to all of us, even now. I know plenty of adults that will defend garbage games because they dropped over a hundred on a collector’s edition. It’s called the sunk cost fallacy. It’s even worse if you invested far far too much in a mobile game.
Yeah, he goes over that. How the kids supposedly “knew” it was bad, but convinced themselves it wasn’t, and if you were doing bad you had to get better. That’s exactly what I’m talking about! For someone with a supposed degree in psychology, you really don’t seem to get it.

There’s a point in the footage where he’s in the underwater level, and he purposely swims into seaweed and dies. Still pretending to be bad huh.
He claims the game birthed a whole generation of “angry video game reviewers”. We get it, you’re one of the only people that still does this style.
Then he purposely swims through that electric coral part poorly and dies. Why are we still doing this?
He actually praises the game, listing off cool things at the start. Then goes into another list joke about the weird enemies. Because that hasn’t been done a million times… “What the hell did I just walk into? A Stephen King novel adaption video game?” Not enough cocaine. Also, it’s adaptation Chris.

He then goes on about how there should have been plenty of characters to take from the show as there were “a bazillion episodes” by 1989. I don’t know the game’s development cycle, but I presume that development began in 1988, a year before release. By then, only a handful of episodes existed. In fact, it was released after the second season, giving us 18 episodes. That’s not a lot to go off of. Granted, the arcade game was made at the same time and was far more faithful. Thing is, this is something we should look into. We should find people that worked at Konami at the time and ask, “What the hell?” I feel that would make a far more interesting video than rehashing the same tired points we’ve heard for decades now. 

Anyway, he shows villains from the show. Like catwoman April, General Traag, Mutagen Monster, and Slash. Only the first two villains are from the first two seasons, the Mutagen Monster and Slash came out afterwards. So, they wouldn’t work. At least suggest Krang, he doesn’t show up at all.
Then he suggests weird toyline exclusive characters. I guess that’s a joke?
He refers to the chainsaw guy as “Dude from Chainsaw Massacre” That’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre. How can you forget the name of one of the most iconic horror movies of all time? That’s actual iconic, not your constant misuse of it.

He gets to the infamous underwater level, and he acknowledges that it has been ripped apart a lot already but he’s going to do it anyway. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS VIDEO?!

Some gross comparisons (elephant through a four inch dickhole) and pointless bit where he yells “Fuck” and the word appears…
He wonders how they could go from the Arcade to the NES game. Again, the NES game came first. Though they were in development at the same time, it’s likely the NES game started first. I don’t know, because this information is possibly lost to time. Only way to know is find Konami employees from the late 80’s.
Then he says “Cowabunga Piece of Shit”. Because that’s what the fans really wanted. … Was it? I don’t know, his fans can barely type.

He moves on to the NES versions of the Arcade game. TMNT II as it’s known.
He pulls out an old issue of Nintendo Power that previewed the game and says that it “looked so epic”. Really? Because they’re showing the actual in-game screenshots, and all that time ago you cried about it looking like a “pixelated nightmare”. Do you have any morals or beliefs that are consistent?
“Talk about a recipe for win” Stop, don’t make that a catchphrase. You sound even lamer than usual.
Then he pulls out a pack of Grossville High cards for no reason. … Okay?

He compared the game’s release to “the second coming of Jesus” (considering how freakishly religious his family is… never mind), and notes that one of the biggest things is the addition of two extra levels not in the original Arcade version. You mean those two extra levels you said were pointless and then you cried about how they should have tried to make the game closer to the original showing everyone what a total retard you are? THOSE LEVELS?!
Then he does the Shellshock joke again but as himself. Half-way through!

Then he yells out “Two Extra Levels” over and over again. My god the padding.
Okay, get this. He claims the advertising of the extra levels was the big selling point for him. Then why did your story change so much after 13 years? Are you lying to us again? Tell the fucking truth! Do you even pay attention to what you say?

He starts, cheers for the “iconic intro”, and then goes “What the hell is this?” when he gets to the game. Hoo boy here we go again…
“Muddy graphics” NES limitations Chris, we’ve gone over this.
“2-players only” The NES was only capable of two! Yes, some games did have a four-player option, but you still needed a special adapter to play them. Plus, even with two players, the game still has lag issues. Ever consider that? Oh right, I forgot who I was talking to.
“Talk about your boner going limp in record time” … I have no words.

Holy shit! He does understand the concept of console limitations! Bravo! You can learn! … I feel a “but” coming.
He complains that the advertising made it look like you were getting an “exact replica” of the Arcade game. That’s how advertising works dude. It’s just telling you’re getting an NES version of the Arcade game. It didn’t say exact, that’s just your pea-brain thinking that.
“It’s not a bad game” Oh really?
Then he complains that as a kid he wanted the Arcade experience. Well unless you were loaded, that wasn’t going to happen. This was the best they could do.
Wow! He repeats the “Suckass Poorman’s Version of the Arcade Game” joke. I’m not kidding, same fonts and everything. What is the point of any of this?!
He gives an “A for effort” but once again he blames the advertising. We get it, you got fooled. Everyone does. Why is he repeating the same points over and over?
He blames Nintendo Power for oversaturating the images. Maybe they were captured on an older TV? It’s possible your more modern TV displays it differently. Unless you’re playing on an emulator, which in that case it’s going to look very different.

Then he brings up the player switching aspect of the original and complains it’s not in the NES version. … Why the fuck is that an issue?!
“Your soul is fucking welded together with this turtle” I think I can see the attempt at a joke, but it still falls completely flat.
Then a really dumb bit where he tries eat his TMNT cereal (which is clearly empty) when one of the turtles shows up and IG yells at him. …. NOT FUNNY!
Again, I don’t see the issue in being able to change after death. They’re basically all the same character anyway. This feels as stupid as complaining about Abu. God, could you imagine Chris trying to do Aladdin in this format?
Then he drops another “Cowabunga Shit”. You don’t seem to understand how that works; you’re only supposed to say it once.

He brings up the Pizza Hut logos (which again was part of a promotion that included a coupon in the manual) and I’m not kidding, he repeats the “photoshopping other brands into the game” joke he made in the original video. You are an immeasurable black hole of creative bankruptcy.
Turtle Wax, Turtle Beach, hur hur because turtles. Then… a picture of the Nostalgia Critic with the words “Watch my Dick Tracy Wrist Watch review”. … Seriously? Are you so that proud of that lame joke you made in the Dick Tracy video? I don’t read his comments because I value my sanity, but was that the most positively received joke of the video by his fans? If you’re going to mock the Nostalgia Critic, get new material! He’s got years and years of it.

Then he complains the game is too hard solo and it’s easier with two players. Wow what a concept…
Then he starts praising the game again, saying it’s still accurate. Consistency? What’s that?
Then he cries about the lack of 4-player because cutscene blah blah blah. This is tiresome.
He moves onto the new levels. He complains the first one at the Zoo with all the snow makes no sense, and about the snowman robots, and about the level’s boss not being a pre-established character. How much longer?
“What a bunch of Christmas Cowabunga Snowflakey Shit!” See this is why listening to criticism is so important. It would tell you that repeating this joke over and over again isn’t funny.
Then onto the second new level which blah blah blah hard tigers blah blah blah…
Followed by some INSANE padding. Like holy shit he spends so much time trying to kill a tiger. Even when he fast-forwards the footage it just feels so long. From the way he was bragging about “20 minutes”, it felt like that was literally a goal and he pulled every move he could to reach that mark.

After mentioning the boss and comment about giving kids nightmares, he moves onto the third game. The Manhattan Project.
He’s happy because it lets him switch characters after death. I have to ask, if this was such a dealbreaker for you, why didn’t you mention it the first time? Could you be… lying?
He also notes how there’s more villains from the show. Well yeah, they have more episodes to work with now. Game came out in Japan in 91 and the USA in 92. By then they had over 100 episodes.
But then he cries some more about why the Arcade port couldn’t be like that. Followed by a fourth “cowabunga shit”. I wonder, how much of Chris’ output would change if he had someone to proofread or oversee him. Basically, slap him down and say “No, that’s a bad idea, do this instead”.

After barely touching on the third game, he says the possibility of an accurate port didn’t have a happy ending. Konami instead chose to port the Arcade sequel, Turtles in- HOLD ON! Did he call it an Arcade game? Did he finally realize that Turtles in Time was an Arcade game all along?! My god, two instances of learning! Keep this up and your integrity levels may go from Negative 99 to Negative 80.
But even then, he still complains more and more that Konami never gave us a proper SNES port of the first Arcade game. Who cares, Turtles in Time was a way better game.
He believes they didn’t want to screw up their “Numbering” system. I doubt that. If anything, they just didn’t see any financial reason. Then he drops yet another “cowabunga shit”. He’s not saying exactly that, he’s changing it up every time. But that doesn’t make it funny, it’s just annoying.

He concludes the video showing off his Arcade1UP machine. Referring to it as an “affordable reproduction”. Affordable? Not in this current climate. By today’s standards sure but a lot of people aren’t really clamoring to go out and drop $350-400+ on a pair of old Arcade games.
Then Rob Paulsen gives a generic “Boy I do love the TMNT fans. Turtle Power”.

Well that was pointless. Chris, you can’t possibly be out of ideas. There are thousands of terrible games you could cover. Why commit so much time to re-reviewing old material? Right down to telling some of the same jokes. Sure, he went more into the NES port of the Arcade game, but that really didn’t need to be a 20-minute video. The padding only made it so boring. I understand revisiting old reviews, but this changed nothing. He barely scratched the surface on the first NES game, barely talked about the third game (again) and the only change with Turtles in Time is that he finally acknowledged that it’s an Arcade original. Also, he neglected to mention the port in TMNT II Battle Nexus, or the Ubisoft published Xbox Live Arcade port (though that was delisted a looong time ago alongside the shitty Turtles in Time remake).

I’m sorry if this came off as redundant in places, but Chris really was that repetitive. See you next time when he re-reviews Contra or something. Though I can’t imagine what 80’s star he could get for that off Cameo.com since apparently he’ll only do Irate Gamer videos if he can get a guest.