Redux Recap: The Art of Ninjintsu? No, Art of Theft.

The other day I uploaded a post that upset a few people. Calling people out, saying that they were wrong about Bores. I was acting like a douche. I’d like to issue this apology to anyone I have offended and let’s just move on from this. That said, let’s begin the recap of the Irate Gamer’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles review. Before this video was released, two big things happened that I’d like to bring up. The first was a Thank You video that he mysteriously took down from his account. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2UKOjvQOec (re-upload from y2b2010) When YouTube featured both the Super Mario Bros 2 and MUSCLE videos, his number of subscribers skyrocketed (back when YouTube didn’t just feature only Fred, Shane Dawson, and ShayCarl) so to “thank” his fans he made that video. This is the video where he claims to have been playing games for 20 years and know all the ins & outs of them, his first major act of dishonesty. If he does know the ins and outs of them, then let me ask some simple questions. Why did he think Toad was worthless? Why did he have to do “research” on Super Mario Bros. 2? How did he NOT know about the special moves in MUSCLE? 20 years my ass. The second event I’d like to bring up was his letter to James Rolfe. Bores wrote a letter to James in hopes that he’d get his approval and wanted to apologize for using some of his lines. He soon forwarded the letter to Mike *****. Back then, they didn’t think twice about him being a thief. A lot of people were inspired by the AVGN to make their own videos. Some were decent and some were… morbidly obese. In the letter, Chris mentioned that he had hundreds of ideas after watching the AVGN videos but due to his job (what job?) he had to put them aside. *sniff sniff* Smells like bullshit. He also said the first AVGN review he saw was TMNT. You’ll see why this is important. He apologized for “accidentally” (bullshit) using some of his catchphrases, and hopes to one day do a joint-review with him (HAHAHA no). You can read the letter at the Irate Gamer's Encyclopedia Dramatica page (just remember that it originally said "Hello James" and not "Hello Chris"). So why was this letter publicly released? Let’s watch and find out. Intro: The first use of his “Rate This Video. Support the Show” title card. I’ll give him credit that he doesn’t say “5 Stars for Green Turtles” or “5 Stars to hear me say Sandwich” like many other YouTube Whores. 0:20 - 0:33: We start off with a second intro. This one showing footage from the TMNT Arcade game, and the part with the Turtles showing up has been replaced with Bores in different colored-shirts holding the Turtles respective weapons. Laaaaame. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. Irate Gamer” Now that’s an episode I’d watch, all four of them wailing on him for being a total douche bag. 0:34 - 1:02: The actual video starts with Bores talking about TMNT: The Arcade Game “Became an instant classic when released back in the 1980s” Is it that hard to say 1989? “The graphics were cool, the levels were fun as hell, and the icing on the cake (sighs) was that you could play with three other people could play at the same time. This was the coolest feature in the entire game!” You know Chris, games like Gauntlet did this long before TMNT. It’s not like this game created that concept. Pay attention to the first claim about graphics, it will come back in a very idiotic way. 1:03 - 1:16: Blah blah praise blah blah foot soldiers blah blah I don’t care. “This game is everything a Turtles fan could ask for” Until Turtles in Time came out two years later… fuck. 1:16 - 1:34: “The only bad thing I can say is that you die a little too quickly” AND THUS IT SUCKS! Really, that’s your only gripe? That the game is too hard. Why am I not surprised? “Ahh the infamous shell shock. Who could forget that sound?” A lot of people, it’s not a memorable death sound like Pac-Man. Stop trying to reminisce, it’s not working at all. “See, even dying in this game was cool!” Which makes me wonder why you were complaining about it at all. Contradictory asshole. “Hell, if every game was like this one. I’d be out of a job!” No you’d continue doing what you always do, bash great games for idiotic reasons. 1:35 - 1:51: “A few months later, they decided to release a Ninja Turtles game for the Nintendo System” *buzzer* Ohhh I’m sorry Chris you lost the game. The NES TMNT was released first, the Arcade Game came out after that. You fail at history! And stop calling it the “Nintendo System” nobody calls it that. “After such an awesome arcade game, this was highly anticipated” Even though this game came first, I’m going to hate this video aren’t I? 1:52 - 2:02: Bores starts playing the game but gets immediately killed by a steam roller. He looks at his magic watch (I call it that because it appears when the plot requires it) and quips “5 seconds, must be some kind of record!” That’s not funny at all. 2:03 - 2:17: He notes the overhead view and that it’s “really weird” … No it’s not. He also mentions that they got rid of the 4-player option and scaled it to one. Why is this a complaint? Oh right, he thinks this came after the Arcade Game. God this video sucks. 2:17 - 2:49: “You can switch out any of the Turtles by pressing the Select button” No, you do it by pressing the Start button. This is the second time he’s mixed up the two buttons, has this idiot even SEEN an NES controller? Reminds me of Captain N where Kevin pauses time with the Select button, when most games have you pause with the Start button. Continuing to support my theory that all of Bores’ knowledge came from Captain N. He starts talking about how Leo and Don are the best characters, but they’ll be the first to die (Here’s a tip: save those two for the tough parts of the game, don’t use them right away). If we lose both of them we should just turn the game off. Look at this footage, he keeps walking into the enemies. He’s terrible at this game, he’s not even trying to win, he’s not even using his weapon. I don’t think he’s doing bad on purpose, you can’t fake that kind of suck. 2:50 - 2:56: We cut to IG pl- wow that’s not convincing at all! Terrible Winter Games action on his controller right now. Maybe that’s why he sucks at everything he plays, he actually uses the controller like that in real life. Here’s some AAA acting “Fuck, I hate this game…” followed by him flipping off the TV. Yeah you don’t sound angry you just sound bored. 2:57 - 3:23: IG starts talking about the stage bosses and how we have some “real winners” here. He starts complaining that Bebop (whom he never refers to by name) is too easy since all he can do is beat him into a corner. I thought you liked it when the game went easy on you? “But if you think that’s bad, remember the time I ripped off that popular series and made money from it?” Sorry, but he actually does say “you think that’s bad” a lot and it reminds me of the PAINFUL jokes of Family Guy. Then he starts talking about the “Rocksteady Glitch” and whining that it defies some law of physics and that it’s stupid. To be a little fair, the AVGN did say when talking about this “Here’s a trick I think everybody knows” … though he only brought it up because The Nerd brought it up. If he wanted to be different he wouldn’t have shown that. And yeah, he doesn’t refer to Rocksteady by name either. I have a hard time believing he was a TMNT fan. 3:24 - 3:43: “Reminds me of this rooftop bullshit. Jump from the wrong place, and you go falling to the ground. *does so*” … Did he really just say that? I’m going to need a minute. Did he seriously think that would be a legit complaint? It would be like saying “shoot in the wrong direction and you’ll miss the enemy”. The way he says it, it sounds like this is the only game to do that. How could you write something like that in your script? Seriously… how can… FUCK! Nice transition by the way, he was talking about the Rocksteady Glitch and then starts talking about the rooftop section. That makes perfect sense. After saying that, he tries to get across the pit but only does so when he jumps from the bottom part. The first two times he did it on purpose. Also, you have to love how he uses Save States here, his health bar and score doesn’t change at all. 3:44 - 4:16: IG starts talking about the respawning enemies showing more of his forced anger. His anger is just putting me to sleep. “What the fuck is up with the enemy selection in this game? Eyeball plants, rocket-pack flyers, guys on fire” the missile balloons, flying robot heads, those little butterfly things. Come on, you’re going to tell me he doesn’t steal from him? 4:16 - 4:40: He believes that the “jackass” that designed the enemies also designed the levels, smoooooth transition there. He starts complaining about the pizza that’s impossible to get due to the spike traps, and to make sure we see it he uses a spotlight effect. Look dumbshits, plagiarism does not mean word-for-word. Here’s the definition from Dictionary.com “the unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work.” CLOSE IMITATION! An imitation does not mean exact! Plus, Chris never got permission to use his jokes, and he tries to pass it off as his own. That’s plagiarism and that’s a fact. Here’s another example, in issue 13 of The Simpsons Comics, Bart and Milhouse create a character (Oyster-something it’s been a while since I read it) but their idea was rejected. A few months later they find their same character all over the place renamed “The Pearl”, and they want all of the money the character is earning. Get me now? Oh yeah, and Bores thinks the hard-to-reach pizza is “a bunch of assburgers with a side of fries.” Hey fatso, get your mind off food for 5 seconds and actually play the game. 4:40 - 5:21: IG reaches the underwater level and “guarantees that anyone that’s played this level has probably been scarred from trying to beat this nightmare of a level”. Bad grammar AND redundancy, you’re on a role today Chris! “Now if you’re just allowed to disarm the bombs it wouldn’t be a problem. But instead, they decided to make it much more challenging.” It’s like some sort of video game! He starts whining that there’s too much shit here and that it’s impossible. If it’s so impossible then why is there footage from later stages? I’m going to say Game Genie. 5:21 - 5:37: Bores reaches the part with very little safe-space and starts complaining that if he had enough time he could swim through it safely, but he only has a set amount of time… Here’s the thing, he said the exact same complaint in the exact same screen. That’s plagiarism, and he still hasn’t admitted it. I love how he isn’t even trying to avoid the seaweed, he spends more time in it then he does the open water. 5:38 - 5:55: We cut to some even less convincing Winter Games action (now he looks like he’s just dancing) as he dies again. He goes over to his NES, opens the dust tray (the cartridge isn’t even pushed in all the way) takes out the game without turning off the system (idiot) and… bites into it and somehow tears it in half. Hi, I’m the Laws of Physics. NES cartridges are not made of paper, they can’t break in half by pulling on them with your teeth. For a “game destruction” sequence it makes absolutely no sense. And to solidify how unoriginal this douche is, he says “What a piece of cowabunga shee-it!” Changing “Cowa-fucking piece of dog shit!” into something less vulgar doesn’t mean it’s original. So there you have it, the reason Mike ***** uploaded that letter to the ScrewAttack forums. Most of this review was stolen from James, after he said he would stop stealing from him. That’s the second major act of dishonesty he’s committed. But, we’re not done yet. We got through the “Unoriginal Half” of this video, we still have the “Idiotic Half”. Where IG reviews the three TMNT sequels. 5:56 - 6:12: “Now, I’m not sure if the backlash of this game was overwhelming or what” Daaah research what’s that? The game sold 4 million copies, it’s one of the best-selling NES games of all time. If the backlash was overwhelming, then it wouldn’t have sold as much. Idiot! IG starts talking about the sequel and how it was taken from “video game greatness” (it hasn’t aged that well to be honest, Turtles in Time is the far superior game) and that they should have done this right from the start. This is hurting my head. 6:13 - 6:17: IG puts the game in the system incorrectly! Seriously, he puts it in and doesn’t push it down. How the smeg does anyone think this frakhead is a gamer? 6:17 - 6:43: He starts up and says “Another huge let-down. What the hell is this? This is the arcade game? What a pixilated nightmare.” Newsflash buddy, it’s an 8-Bit port. You can’t expect Arcade perfect graphics on the NES, especially an Arcade Game from the late 80s boom. His stupidity starts to unveil here. “Flashy intro, GONE! Cool graphics, GONE! 4-Player mode, GONE! Oh come on that was the best feature!” *facepalm* Just… wow. I still can’t believe he said something this stupid. First of all, nobody cares about a flashy intro! We don’t play games to watch the opening cinematics (unless you’re the guys at Unskippable but that’s a different story), we play games to PLAY THE GAME! Second, it’s an 8-Bit port. You can’t expect the exact same graphics! Hell, the NES version of Pac-Man doesn’t look as good as the Arcade version. The NES versions of Ghosts N Goblins, Contra, Gradius, 1942, Double Dragon, the list goes on. Yes they don’t look as good, but we don’t fucking care! Third, the NES isn’t capable of 4-players! It only has two controller ports! There is the NES Satellite and Four Score but they only play a limited number of games. Not to mention, a 2-player game of TMNT II causes immense flickering, a 4-player game would break it! “Where do they get off calling this the Arcade game?” IT’S A PORT! I still don’t understand what people see in this asshole. 6:43 - 6:53: “If they wanna be honest about the game, they should of just called it ‘Boo! Haunted House’ … I mean ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Suckass Poorman’s Version of the Arcade Game’” Why? Because the graphics aren’t as good? You god damn whore. 6:54 - 7:21: Notice that when he’s hitting enemies they go down in one hit? Can only be done with Game Genie. Loser. He then complains that all you can do is jump, attack, and dropkick. Completely untrue (once again) pressing both the A & B buttons allows an awesome special attack. Making it much easier to get through this game. Also, all you could do in the Arcade version was jump, attack, and dropkick. “And if you lose, that’s it game over. You don’t even get da option of continuing right where you left off.” The way you phrase that makes it sound like “die once and it’s over” even though we could clearly see that you get 2 extra lives. He also complains that the continue option forces him to start at the beginning of the level. This is the price of playing a home version! It’s called a challenge, they have to find a way to play the game without shoving quarters into your NES. 7:21 - 7:39: Now he starts complaining about the Pizza Hut ads in the game. He deduces that it’s because the Turtles eat pizza. It’s almost over… Dude, the game came with a coupon for free pizza! You’d think that someone with knowledge of obscure food like old Lucky Charms marshmallows, Fruity Yummy Mummy, and old Kool-Aid flavors would know this! Pizza Hut and TMNT did a ton of promotions together, I remember getting a VHS tape from Pizza Hut that had 3 TMNT episodes. Time for a lame joke! He tells us to look for other corporate logos and edits in logos from Slush Puppies and Budweiser. Wow, even with his lame jokes he fails as a gamer. Nintendo wouldn’t allow alcohol references! 7:39 - 8:08 IG starts talking about the extra two levels and how everyone praises them. Being the biased ignoramus he is, he exclaims “Well la-dee-fucking-da, these levels suck!” Okay, care to tell us why? “Adding them was pointless and stupid.” No? Well fuck you too. “In one level, the New York Zoo magically freezes over” no it’s a weather satellite from Dimension X. This level is based off an episode of the show. “At the end you fight a polar bear that looks like a cross between Joe Camel and Spuds MacKenzie” Oh look, more references your 11 year old fans won’t get. Then… this. “Now I would have gladly done without these extra levels if they just used the extra space to make the game closer to the Arcade version.” I’m speechless. He’s completely failed in trying to prove he’s a gamer, this is the gamebreaker. Any other attempt after that is a forced reference to an unrelated game. “Look, I’m referencing Pitfall! I’m a gamer dur hur hur” FUCK. 8:08 - 8:32: “Face it, breakfast is ruined! I mean, this game sucks, it’s boring and it’s stupid!” Are you sure you didn’t mean your videos? So, just to clarify. This game sucks because the graphics aren’t as good as the Arcade version. You biased retard. He dies to Rocksteady prompting a complete “I’m Acting!” moment with “Shell Shock! I’ll show you fucking shell shock!” prompting another lame game destruction scene. After taking the game out without turning off the system AGAIN, he attaches two electrodes to the cart somehow causing it to explode. PHYSICS! Now you see why I call this the Idiotic Half. 8:32 - 9:04: But wait, there’s more! Bores starts talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project. He says it improved on the second one by having better graphics and characters from the show (graphics whooooooore). Note that when he switches Turtles his life count doesn’t go down. That’s right, GAME GENIE! I’m not kidding when I say he uses it for every game. Oh and that’s all we’re getting about TMNT III. 9:04 - 9:15: Cut to Bores telling us that this might be worth it, but says it sucks either way, throws it (with an unnecessary sound effect) and tells us there’s only one game worth owning. 9:16 - 9:31 He starts talking about TMNT IV: Turtles in Time. First line of this review “Released only on the Super Nintendo” … It’s official I’m in Hell. Turtles in Time was originally an Arcade game and sequel to the first Arcade TMNT. It was ported to the SNES as Turtles IV and a retooled version for the Genesis called The Hyperstone Heist. Proof that it was an Arcade game? THE BOX ART! Here’s what it says on the front cover. “Board Shredder’s terror tour through time, direct from the SECOND ARCADE HIT, non-stop to your house, NO TOKENS REQUIRED.” Then he compliments the game’s graphics, enemies, and levels. Bores, give us real compliments about the games! Except for the first NES title all you’ve been doing is talking about graphics, enemies, and levels. You suck! 9:32 - 9:42: “The only downside is that you can’t play 4-players” God not this shit again, dude the SNES doesn’t have 4 controller ports! Yes, there are multi-taps but they don’t support this game! “But hell, with a game this good that’s something I’ll gladly overlook.” What? You complained when the NES version didn’t have 4-players but you say it’s okay here? Rrrrrrrr *stops and calms self* Let’s just get this over with. 9:43 - 10:03: IG starts talking about how the original Arcade game never saw “full glory” on the SNES (why would it?) and we had to wait for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Battle Nexus to get it as a bonus feature. Honestly that’s the only redeeming factor of that piece of shit. Just FYI this video was released after TMNT Arcade came out on XBLA, but that would imply Bores even knew what an Xbox was. Oh, and this line “It’s unclear as to why they only released Turtles in Time on the Super Nintendo” You know, just to make sure we get that he’s a total fucking moron. So the video FINALLY ends with Bores in a weird wide-angle shot as… a barrel rolls by. What the? He says he has to go because he needs to play Donkey Kong. What does this have to do with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? We then cut to Bores literally playing Donkey Kong, as in he inserted himself into the game. That’s just shameful. When he does sight gags like the barrel, his camera ruins the joke. Throughout the entire video you see him in the same spot each time, but when he’s suddenly in a wide-angle then you know something pointless is going to appear. Just another sign that Chris Bores is an incompetent filmmaker. This review is bogus! Half of it was stolen from the AVGN, the other half was pure stupidity! It’s not as bad as the Super Mario Bros. 2 review, but it’s up there. Oh God it’s up there. Next time, Chris Bores begins selling out less then a year after he started. Thus, his true intentions revealed.