Redux Recap: This decent game sucks NOW BUY MY SHIRTS!

I’d like to remind you the first IG video came out April 28th 2007, and the main subject of this recap came out October 5th 2007. Keep this in mind when we get to the end. The game IG is reviewing today is Yo! Noid, a difficult platform game made to advertise Domino’s Pizza. It’s actually a reskinned version of the Famicom title “Kamen no Ninja Hanamaru” or Masked Ninja Hanamaru. Of course Mr. 20 Years doesn’t bring this up so I’m doing it here. I’ve played Yo! Noid, and it does not suck. It’s hard as hell, but it’s actually a decent game. Well it is from Capcom and everything they put out is high quality enter- *Devil May Cry 2* … Never mind. Before he released the Yo! Noid review, Bores released a censored version of his TMNT review because he got too many e-mails telling him to cut down on the swearing. Needless to say, the idea wasn’t popular since he hasn’t released a censored version of a video since then. Onto the actual video. Intro: I’m looking at the picture he uses for his “Rate This Video” card and I have to ask. What’s wrong with your faaaace? 0:20 - 0:28: We start with Bores taking something out of the oven, showing us it’s a pizza (along with telling us, thanks we know what pizza is). He then hears annoying laughter and tells something off-screen to back off. Is it me or does that pizza look fake? 0:29 - 0:47 “It’s time to avoid The Noid!” I can hardly contain myself. “Anyone who grew up in the 1980s” you mean 2% of your fan base? Yeah this is just another boring history lesson. 0:47 - 1:03: We cut to Bores asking why they would make a video game based on The Noid. He considers it a huge selling out move and a “disaster waiting to happen”. During all this, pictures of The Noid are imposed to make it look like he’s being annoying. This is comedic timing at it’s worst, he keeps pausing waiting for The Noid to appear. What would be funnier? Have The Noid constantly laugh while you try to talk over it. Getting progressively louder until you lose it. And he ends this bit by hitting The Noid with a frying pan and staring at the camera. *sighs* 1:03 - 1:19: Bores’ first complaint is with the title (THIS TOTALLY EFFECTS THE GAMEPLAY!) asking why it’s “Yo! Noid” instead of “The Noid” and that it makes about as much sense as calling his show “Yo Irate Gamer.” … Sorry I was busy caring about something else, did he deliver another terrible joke? 1:20 - 1:28: IG starts talking about the story. The objective is to save the city from The Noid’s evil twin (What’s his name? He’s not going to tell us). This prompts a cut to him exclaiming “Hey I have an evil twin! I wonder how he’s doing?” STOP! You mean the evil twin from the Super Mario Bros. 2 review? The one you murdered and sent to Hell? Why in the holy mother of Kefka would you ask that? To clarify, the Irate Gamer just asked how his evil twin was doing, the evil twin he killed 3 episodes ago. Do you even care about what you write? That’s absolutely retarded! That would be like Charles Manson waking up one morning and thinking “Huh, I wonder how Sharon Tate is doing.” Gah! 1:28 - 1:41: Apparently that horribly written line was setting up a skit, as we cut to “Hell” (rather Chris Bores in front a green screen with a fire background). The Evil Gamer (sorry couldn’t think of a nickname) is plotting his escape. You’re dead! You can’t escape that! I love how unconvincing his evil laugh is. You need to be a LARGE HAM! 1:42 - 2:01: He also brings up how the mayor asks The Noid to stop him and wonders what stupid mayor would do that. Cliché fiction dictates that the good twin must defeat the evil twin, you’d think someone that made up an evil twin character would understand that! Now for another lame joke! “Unless it’s the fucking Mayor McCheese, I’m not buying it *pause*.” That makes perfect sense, referencing a McDonalds character when talking about a Domino’s Pizza character. What’s next? Play Sneak King and make references to Jared of Subway? 2:01 - 2:22: IG FINALLY starts playing the game (learn not to pad!) and notes the graphics are quite good. Thus this is one of the greatest games ever… wait. He then asks “did someone play this game before releasing it to the public?” Hmm, that’s close to Third Rate Gamers’ catchphrase, looks he did say it after all. “It’s not set up like a normal game…” What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, I’d like to know. “… and it’s also fustrating as fuck! *dies* She-it!” The first use of “fustrating”, another sign Bores can’t speak English properly. Doesn’t help when he actually spells it out like that. “And expect to die often, I can not express this enough” Notice that he kills himself on purpose here. Not a very good argument when you die on purpose. 2:23 - 2:40: “It’s not an option folks, you are destined to die! Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit” it’s like you touch the top of the building you die, touch the ceiling you die, touch the floor you die, too far to the right you die, too far to the left you die, you die you die die die die die die die DIE! Oh God I can’t fucking stand it. Yeah that’s pretty shameful, but it’s worse in a later review. I should mention he says shit every time he dies. Then to show us how bad his timing is we get “Damn it, this game is the biggest piece of *pause* crap!” When is this idiot going to learn pauses hurt comedy rather than help it? 2:41 - 2:52: “You know, they should have added a heart system to make this easier!” Oh boo-freakity-hoo, at least his game is playable and it’s the good kind of hard. “I mean, even a puff of smoke will kill your ass! What the fuck?” Once again, it’s called challenge. 2:53 - 3:39: Here he starts talking about the pizza eating contests. He whines that we’re forced to do this while the “city burns down”, he enhances that last remark with a stock city covered in bad flame effects. That was completely necessary and add… you know what he really needs to stop doing shit like that. I should mention in Kamen no Ninja Hanamaru, the end bosses were card-based battles that were adjusted to becoming pizza eating contests. But he wouldn’t know THAT! “Now let me just tell you a little secret… I’m not a gamer.” No, he says “these are your stage bosses.” How is this a secret if you just said “at the end of each level?” Then he starts complaining about things that can be easily avoided, like how taking too long to choose a card makes you lose. If you played this game, you’d know that choosing a card is very easy and not a time-consuming process. 3:40 - 3:54: Here IG complains that he still dies without touching the water. Uhh you did touch the water. For someone claiming to have played these games as a kid, you don’t know anything about them. 3:55 - 4:13: Now he begins whining about the pizza eating contests again. He says we get one at the end of each stage (false, you get one every other level) and that we can’t bypass it and we “have to sit here and take it like a bitch.” You know, the way he says that is very unpleasant. How can we be a video game’s bitch? Ooooh load times, this game is making me its bitch. Take a writing class. Is it me, or his controller not even plugged in? Look at the wire on the floor, something about it is off. No this isn’t foreshadowing, it just looks weird. 4:13 - 4:23: “This game is baaaad.” Why? Because it’s too hard? Pussy. “If it was up to me, I’d flush this fucker down the toilet!” combined with the screen getting flushed down the toilet. That’s the second reference to flushing something down the toilet. Now he’s starting to recycle his bad jokes, I’m going CRAZY! *takes valium* We’re almost there. 4:23 - 4:38: We cut to IG ranting about Domino’s selling out. You can tell how angry he is about this by his bored tone of voice. Then suddenly he gets an endorsement check from Domino's, prompting a slack-jawed smile and dollar signs. I don’t like where this is going. 4:38 - 4:48: “But, what do I know?” Absolutely nothing. So he talks about selling out when we cut to him covered in corporate logos. An A&W t-shirt, an Adidas hat, a bag of Doritos, and a can of Dr. Pepper. He tells us “A logo can go a long way” as he takes a sip and shoves the Dr. Pepper in our face. Ohhh wow, that so makes me want a soda that I have no interest in, I must go out and buy some. And yes Chris, a logo can go a long way. When your logo is on something, the value goes down faster than a cheap hooker at a party hosted by GM. Wait a minute, he only got a check from Domino’s Pizza. How does advertising a pizza chain lead to all those unrelated products? I’m gonna say bad writing. 4:49 - 5:01: So IG starts PRAISING the game (I’ll get into why this really pisses me off in a bit) saying he saw the game ranked at #3 on a Top 100 NES Games list. What I want to know is where he got the original list? I want to see what it looked like BEFORE photoshop. 5:01 - 5:07: “And the game isn’t really that hard. If you die, that means you suck and are bad at it.” … Excuse me one moment. *runs 40 miles away* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs back* You hypocritical son of a bitch. You complained when a game was too hard FAR too many times, and you pull this shit? I don’t care if he’s “selling out” and making the game look good, that does not excuse his hypocrisy! Fuck you! 5:07 - 5:12: Oh, that part was just leading into a stupid joke. “But don’t get mad, get Glad Lock Zipper Bags” followed by a thumbs up. Here’s why the selling out pisses me off. I don’t care if certain bands, companies, or directors sell out. What I do care about are professional reviewers and video game companies that sell out. IGN, GameSpot, GT, any of the big sites often give high scores to games for early copies and extra money. You remember Gertsmann-Gate at GameSpot? Jeff Gertsmann was the founder of GameSpot and one of the best reviewers on the site, albeit a controversial one (he gave Twilight Princess an 8.8, a justified score that still pissed people off). In his review of Kane & Lynch: Dead Men he gave it a 6.0 out of 10. At the same time, site owner’s CNET were heavily advertising the game on GameSpot. Eidos was not pleased with the score and ordered Gertsmann to be terminated. All the details are unclear, but that’s the popular story. This led to a mass GameSpot exodus leaving the site as a husk of its former glory. Then there’s the massive changes that went through the Rayman series, but that’s another story. Right now I have to finish this review. 5:13 - 5:40: IG starts talking about the ice level and if we aren’t careful you’ll slip right off. No, I already used DLAbaoaqu’s joke I’m not using it again. During this there’s a scroll at the bottom telling us to watch Dancing with the Stars. This “joke” doesn’t make sense, Bores isn’t on ABC or any TV channel. Networks do that to advertise shows during the show, and they only advertise things that will be on the network. So is the Irate Gamer going to have Dancing with the Stars on his channel? No, I’m just over thinking this stupid scene. Then IG shows us one of the jetpack levels and calls it “cool and inventive” followed by a painfully fake laugh. Someone get Doug Walker to show this dickhead a thing or two about ACTING. 5:41 - 6:08: He enters the final pizza-eating contest (I’d like to thank Game Genie) and hopes we get a great ending. He sees the ending is just The Noid getting pizzas, pulling on his head-things, and a screen that says END. Great, more whining about lackluster endings. Here’s a good sign he’s not a gamer, his constant complaints over the endings in retro games. Were you expecting a fireworks display, millions of dollars, and women appearing to do whatever your heart desires? So the review ends with IG getting pissy that the ending sucks and wondering why he’d ever endorse this game. He declares “I’m Irate dammit!” (nice read there) and that the only person he’s selling out to is… himself. He takes off his A&W shirt to reveal the official Irate Gamer t-shirt. There you go folks, the entire point of this video right there. All the “jokes” about selling out and endorsements, and it could have been condensed to a 30 second commercial. I brought up the dates at the beginning because he started selling t-shirts less then 6 months after he started doing this show. Making it perfectly clear that he’s only in this for money. That “I want to make video game reviews to entertain” speech? Total malarkey. His entire purpose behind the show was to make money off an idea that he didn’t create. Well done Chris Bores you dishonest sack of shit. I love that pose he uses to model his shirt. It’s like “meh I don’t care, just buy it because I know you’re brain dead enough to do it.” He tells Yo! Noid to “Yo fuck yourself” (Ugggggh) and throws the game hitting a Wilhelm imitator as he stares at the camera implying “Laugh here.” But that’s not all, we return to Evil Gamer setting his plan into motion as he sends his army of slaves… Lemmings. Yeah I can see where this joke will go. And I was right, all the Lemmings start falling into a nearby pit as Evil Gamer starts yelling for them to stop. What do Lemmings have to do with pizza, The Noid, or selling-out? Nothing, it’s just another “I’m a gamer guys, really” moments. This review was terrible. The whole point was to reveal that he has merchandise now, making him look even worse after he stole the AVGN’s TMNT review. I doubt anyone bought his shirts, if someone over 13 did I foresee a lot of ass-whooping in their future. Next time: The first IG review I saw and what made me hate the guy from day one.