Tales of Fuckbrain: The RPG

We’re approaching the end of the year, but even with the holidays approaching Chris has not slowed down.
Alongside the Skylanders video posted on Monday, two more videos were posted this week.

First one on Tuesday was another god damn book review. Some Dungeons & Dragons book, because Bores has totally showcased he’s a big D&D fan in the past (pffffft). Who keeps giving him these books?
Like the last video, it’s just Bores going through the entire book, saying things look cool, some major “Captain Obvious” like saying the first chapter titled “Welcome to the Realm” is all about the realms, or mispronouncing Baldur’s Gate as “Boulder’s Gate”. It’s 10 minutes long and not worth watching.

Onto the main video of the week. Seems Bores is reading my recaps. In the last post I said it was likely he was fired from GotGame because he never posts anything there and they don’t give him new consoles. In a way that says “Oh yeah, watch this!” he posted a new video to GotGame Thursday night. Well, it’s more he posted the video to YouTube, unlisted it, and linked it on GotGame. Same thing he did with the Mario Party 10 video way back in March.

So, what’s he going to look at? *looks* Ooooh no. Tales of Zestiria. This is going to be pain.
For those unaware, Tales of Zestiria is the 15th mainline title in the popular Tales RPG franchise. Utilizing a battle system with real-time combos and spells as opposed to turn based combat like its contemporaries Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest, the Tales series is a major fan favorite amongst RPG enthusiasts and continues to be enjoyed today. The series is also notorious for skipping several localizations, thankfully Bandai Namco has realized there’s a fairly substantial Western fan base and has started ensuring quick localization turnarounds. With Zestiria coming out nine months after its Japanese release as opposed to years like Graces and the two Xillia games.
Sorry for that spiel, onto the pain.

When was the last time Bores talked about an RPG? Oh right, Stick of Truth. When was the last time he talked about a Japanese RPG? Might have been Final Fantasy III for DS. Jeez that was ages ago.

Wow, so many dislikes. I imagine when Bores officially posts this to YouTube, he’ll delete this unlisted version and put out a fresh one so he can get all new likes (though he’ll probably get a shitload of dislikes considering how bad this video is). Just like Mario Party 10.

*looks at description* “For this episode we are checking out the new RPG, does it live up to the hype?” Do you even know why there’s hype? Are you even aware of what this series is? Are you just using a notable buzzword because you’re completely clueless about this game and hope this will get people’s attention?
He once again uses that “Parapper the Rapper free since 2007” slogan. Okay, first time I kind of understood since he was talking about Kung-Fu, second time I thought he was just copying the last video and forgot to remove that. Now I don’t know what to think. What does it even mean?! Why can’t he even still spell it right?
Apparently there were comments before, but now they’re gone. Sounds like ol’ Bores still can’t take criticism.

Anyway, the video.

0:05 - 0:55: “We’ll be checking out Tales FROM Zes-ty-ria” Wow, first line and we’re already in fucking trouble. It’s Tales OF Zestiria, how the hell did you get “from”? Second, he completely butchered the pronunciation of Zestiria. It’s “Zes-tier-e-ah”.
I should also mention he’s looking at the PS3 version. I kind of forgot that exists since there’s also PS4 and PC versions, and the only reason to get the PS3 version is if you were in Japan before the other two came out, or you’re a cheapo like Bores that refuses to get a PS4 unless Sugar Daddy GotGame provides it (and they still haven’t).

“I’ve been hearing so many good things about this title lately” From who? Not reviews as a lot of the reviews call it painfully average, and I seriously doubt you go to video game forums. He’s probably saying this because he got a free copy and he doesn’t want to say that.
“I haven’t played an RPG in a few years because I used to be a Final Fantasy guy” Riiiight. You know, when you say these things Chris, nobody really believes you.
He calls the last couple games “downright stupid” (makes me wonder which ones he’s referring to since he somehow confused 13-2 for 12) then a bit where he’s digging around his trash can. If you want something better than the last few FF games, why the trash can? Don’t you want something good? Oh, it’s just to show he has a copy of Call of Duty Ghosts. Considering the average age of IG’s audience, I don’t think they’d like that slam towards Call of Duty, especially when so many of them requested it.

He continues going on about wanting something with substance, and then he pulls out his copy of ToZ and asks “Can it live up to the hype?” Ooooh that’s why he said it in the description.
“Well, after playing this game a few hours” And into the trash it goes, this review that is. I seriously doubt he beat this 60+ hour RPG. Even if it came out back in October.

He starts by talking about the characters. He calls Sorey a “total goofball” and notes that if he was in a “bad mood”, that would ruin the game for him. Then a bit where he yells and gently tosses the game. … What?

0:55 - 1:51: “It seems the more I played, the more I got into the storyline” Really, the more you advance in the story the more you possibly get into it? Tell me all about this fascinating method of enjoying entertainment Chris.
Then a long sequence where he summarizes the game’s opening cutscene with his own stupid “dramatic” narration. It’s like 30 seconds long, in a video that’s barely four minutes. Padding!
He then calls it “heavy shit”. Meh, come to me when you play a Shin Megami Tensei title, now that’s heavy.
But then he calls out the fact the land looks nice a “plot hole” since not everything is destroyed. Maybe you should pay attention because it didn’t say everything was destroyed.

1:52 - 2:48: He starts talking about Sorey, the main protagonist. Or “Soarie” as he pronounces it for some reason. He even has an argument with the “narrator” that attempts to be like “Who’s on First” but completely fails. You’re both wrong, it’s “Sore-ay” or “Soar-ay”. Did you even play the game? They say his name in clear English, with voice acting. This isn’t the SNES/PS1 era, you don’t have the excuse of no voice acting to get names wrong. I doubt he switched to Japanese voices either considering how he hates non-English things (Tekken 6 and Kinnikuman not getting dubbed for example)
He mentions how Sorey was raised by “faeries” (he means the Seraphim), mentions Mikleo (without saying his name, I imagine he’d get it wrong) then mentions how they find Alisha and… he calls her Ashley. … Chris, are you retarded? Like, actually functionally retarded? How do you see “Alisha” and somehow think that’s Ashley? I just… what? Are you not aware that’s an actual name? Alicia Keys? Alicia Silverstone? Alicia Masters from Fantastic Four? Yes, the “Alisha” spelling is much rarer, but it’s the same pronunciation. How fucking fucking fucking dumb are you Chris? Unbelievable. This proves you didn’t even play, she clearly says her name in ENGLISH!
“I bet she’ll be the love interest for the main character at some point” NOPE! That’s proof enough he barely played the game. Small spoiler but Alisha leaves the game fairly early on (in terms of Tales RPG length). No she doesn’t die like Aerith, she just leaves. Sorey’s actual love interest… well I’ll leave that a surprise.

He mentions “Ashley” is trying to find the hero, and he knows that it’s Sorey, and for some reason it cuts to him when he says that as he spreads his arms and causes the stuff on top of his shelf (like that Arkham City pillow) to fall off. Then he says “sorry” … Was that a blooper he left in or was it intentional so he could continue that dumbass “Sorey/Sorry” joke that doesn’t even make sense because THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S PRONOUNCED!

2:48 - 3:50: He FINALLY gets to the gameplay (with a little over a minute left) and talks about the battle system. He brings up how it’s real time instead of “pointing and clicking”, and how we can “thank Kingdom Hearts for that”. Wait what? “Thanks Square-Enix, you ruined it for all of us” … DUMB! YOU ARE DUMB! Do some fucking research for once in your life you oaf! The Tales series predates Kingdom Hearts. Tales of Phantasia came out for the Super Famicom in 1995, the first Kingdom Hearts was in 2002. There were at least two Tales sequels that came out before KH (Destiny, and Eternia). Not to mention the first two Star Ocean games which also use a real time fighting system similar to Tales. You stepped into the wrong fucking territory today Chris, and this is why you need to be called out when you screw up hard.

He finds the battle system easy to use and “execute”, leading to another dumb bit where he’s interrupted by the Pokemon Exeggcute. This “words that sound similar” bit is one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done. Everything about this video is just dumb.
Then he talks about the animated intro, says it looks cool, and full of foreshadowing whatever…
He says he’s still playing it (I don’t believe you) and he looks forward to where the story goes. I don’t see him lasting, Zestiria is actually fairly difficult if you don’t set up your characters correctly or use the various stat-boosting items littered throughout the map.

This might be a contender for worst Neo review of the year. No wait, Splatoon is still there… they’re both pretty awful. Actually, the only positive I can say about this video is that it’s NOT like the Splatoon review. Sounds like he realized his “crazy style” was hated and decided to dump it. Bravo if true.
It’s clear he didn’t get far, or even play the game. The footage is direct capture and not recorded off his TV like the last few modern games, meaning it’s possible that he stole it. I can’t find any watermarks so no proof there. But you can tell he barely played from how little he talks about the actual game. More is about the story, or how things are pronounced, or getting names wrong, and if he really did play he would have noticed these things. I just… what was the point of this video? I can’t understand how he somehow continues to get worse. This is going to get thrashed when Bores eventually posts it to YouTube. I can feel it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just got Xenoblade Chronicles X. Do not touch this game Chris. Do. Not.