Wednesday, December 30, 2009
2009 is coming to a close, and boy what a terrible year.
Celebrities dying left & right, the worst economic recession in the USA since the Stock Market Crash of 1929, Twilight-mania swept the nation, and the incoming “Idiocracy Apocalypse” has shown growth at an alarming rate.
But enough about the real world, we’re here to bash the Irate Gamer and all this bullshit he spews.
2009 was a very slow year for Mr. Bores, sporadically releasing videos making even his hardcore fans annoyed.
Here’s a checklist of the videos and what it amounts to.
- 2 Retro Reviews (Aladdin and Kool-Aid Man)
- 2 “History of Video Game bullshit” videos (Counting both parts of The Odyssey video as one, there‘s no excuse that they need to be separate)
- A commercial for a shitty Famiclone that he poorly disguised as an episode
- 5 Neo Reviews (Sonic Unleashed, Resident Evil 5, Boom Blox: Bash Party, Guitar Hero: Van Halen, DJ Hero)
- 6 E3 videos where he says “Vewy Coo’” to everything (even the utter shit).
- 10 movie reviews (I’m counting the Summer Movie list as one video, see above for reason)
- Finally, 14 random bullshit videos. These include trailers, remastered reviews, and Ghost Hunters on Two Bucks
So 2009 wasn’t a good year for The Bores. He claims his Hard Drive crashed but we all know he was cutting himself to losing Jennifer.
Irate Gamer Sucks is going to send-off 2009 with a Top 11 list of the worst moments from his videos (both IG and CB). It wasn’t easy limiting it just to 11.
11. Over hyping Dragon Ball Evolution
Carried over from his Top 10 Summer Movies 2008 list, Bores went gaga over the live-action adaptation of Akira Toriyama’s Shonen epic in the 2009 list. Going as far as to bash the fans that say it will suck, he “guarantees” it will be epic and awesome. This led me to believe he has brain damage, but I digress.
When he actually does review the movie, it shows evidence that he had no idea what he was talking about the last two years. Notably when he criticized Master Roshi for having hair, when EVERY PROMOTIONAL PICTURE with Roshi showed him like that. Besides, Chow Yun-Fat wouldn’t shave his head for a role he knew sucked balls.
10. The pace of “History of Video Games”.
We all know Chris Bores isn’t a gamer, and his countless attempts to show us otherwise have failed. So what does he do? A video series about the History of Video Games.
Now, any competent reviewer, or hell filmmaker, would cover the entire history over the course of 10-12 videos. But not Chris Bores, no he decides to take his SWEET! FUCKING! TIME! I mean, two videos and he’s only covered the Odyssey? If he released a new one every week and with competence he would have been done by, at most, September.
That’s not the worst of it, he claims in the comments that the SNES will be around Part 40. Are you out of your mind?
9. Complaining about the flying stage in Sonic Unleashed
Recently I started playing Sonic Unleashed, I haven’t gotten very far since I’ve been busy with other games but from what I’ve played so far it’s not bad. It’s three steps in the right direction but a step or two back.
Irate Hack decided to jump on the IGN-Gamespot bandwagon and bash the game just for being different. You know I watch independent reviewers to see real opinions, not the ones game developers pay for.
Though the really bad part starts when Bores reaches the flying stage and that “it has nothing to do with Sonic.” Then what do you call Sky Chase Zone in Sonic 2? In fact there were a ton of flying stages in Sonic games, though I can’t name any other specifics since I haven’t played every single one. Then he complains that the bosses life bar is too long… let’s move on before I get another brain aneurysm.
8. I can see your ego from Paris (the Guitar Hero: Van Halen review)
The GH:VH review was relatively harmless, there were some stupid jokes and he mixed up Billy Idol with Billy Joel, but it wasn’t epically bad like some other videos. However at the beginning of the video he comments that he got an early copy and follows that with “It’s about damn time I get some Irate Game clout around here.”
Chris, it wasn’t a big accomplishment to get a copy of GH:VH early. Anyone that bought Guitar Hero 5 could get a free copy, because Activision knew they screwed themselves by setting the release date for the retail copy on December 22nd.
By the way, “clout” is a type of reward. He thinks his “stellar videos” awarded him a free copy. Thus the comment about his ego.
7. There’s no Rule of Four, only bad comedy (the Kool-Aid Man review)
The Kool-Aid Man review… what should I choose? I could mention how his reviews gave no implication if the games sucked, or how his cop-out excuse of a Christmas special is Ronnie the Jew Skeleton on TV, or that the effect of Kool-Aid Man bursting through the wall was just jump-cuts and fabric. Oh I know!
Having the Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall FOUR TIMES! Once is bad enough and unnecessary, twice is verging on Family Guy territory, three times it gets really annoying and should stop, but he did it FOUR TIMES! Does he have any idea how comedy works? Oh, but we’ll get into that later.
6. The entire Watchmen review
We’ve established that Bores has horrible taste in movies, often finding bad movies to be really good. So what happens when he sees a legitimately good movie? He bashes it for the dumbest reasons.
His Watchmen review was terrible on every level. Research failure (“I never read the comics”), bad grammar (“I went and seen Watchmen on opening weekend”), and bashing another good movie (“It’s not as bad as Pulp Fiction”). But if this isn’t enough, he has the gall to say “If I directed this movie, I would put the story in linear order and cut an hour off.” Somewhere in the UK, Alan Moore is crying even harder.
5. A discontinued cereal does not qualify as a Halloween special
When it comes to Halloween, Internet reviewers can either go all-out (James Rolfe) or just make a simple video review of something Halloween related (The Cinema Snob, The Nostalgia Critic, etc.)
So when Halloween rolled around the corner what did Irate Shithead do? Make a video about cereal. …OF COURSE!
I mean really, this is the best thing you can come up with? A history behind a discontinued cereal that nobody remembers or even cares to remember? Hell when NC did his Top 11 Cereal Mascots he asked “Who the fuck even remembers Yummy Mummy?” and he went all-out with the research in this video.
By the way, the title of the video was lame. “I Rate the 80s” yeah that’s not ripping off VH1 or anything.
Side-Bar: There’s a quick thing I want to point out, and it’s all the people that spell IG’s name “iRate Gamer” as in “I Rate stuff” rather then a synonym for anger. To the people that do this, are you really that devoted that you’ll deny the biggest truth? That even his name is taken from the Angry Video Game Nerd? *sighs* Moving on.
4. RE5 isn't hard you just suck at it.
I have played Resident Evil 5, it's a step back from 4 but it's an enjoyable experience.
The Bores' review, however, was like watching the third Milla Jovovich movie after playing Resident Evil 2, a painful suffering to the mind.
But what is so bad about it? Well we have a ton of research failure (Calling the T-Virus a drug, completely getting the story wrong, calling them zombies when they're clearly NOT, and even getting the premise of "Surviving" wrong), we have unfunny jokes ("Thanks buddy I just said that", The Grimace), we have intense Pac-Man Fever (the 360 controller is off), but what is the absolute worst moment?
How about completely sucking at the game to the point of asking for an easier difficulty! RE5 is not difficult, but Bores somehow completely sucks at it. Prompting him to ask "Why couldn't the easy setting be a little more easier?" This is a surefire sign he's not a gamer, a real gamer wouldn't ask for an easier difficulty, they wouldn't ask for their hand to be held through out the game. I can't fathom how people are believing him!
3. The HAL 9000 in the Odyssey review
I would like to remind you that Bores has titled this video “History of Video Games.” As in “telling the history of video games.” Now that I got that out of the way, I’ll get to the point.
The Odyssey review was painful to the soul. Ignoring that the video is a carbon copy of the AVGN’s video, we got insane amounts of research failure, Kindergarten-grade humor, and the absolute dumbest complaints about the system.
But the one thing that pushed it over the edge, that one slow-moving ball that somehow topples the entire dominoes set, was including the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
You might be asking “What about Bores visiting the Jawa action figure?” Well, that bit transcends this list to the point that I want to pretend it never happened.
Was his mindset behind this “I’m reviewing the Odyssey, durrr I’ll put in the villain from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I’m so creative and funny.” He just shits all over the character that it ends up being a horrible reference that makes you want to stab out all knowledge of 2001. Right down to the voice, we can tell that’s you Chris you suck at impressions.
2. The Irate Gamer goes to E3.
This gets on the list since his mere presence at the show offends all my gaming sensibilities. Bores only created the Irate Gamer to make money off an idea that wasn’t even his, and when he was confronted he started lying. The lies continued to the point that he attended the Expo.
Some gamers would break their thumbs just for the chance to go to E3 (not me, I rather like my thumbs) and Bores gets to go because he’s a con artist.
The videos he makes about it aren’t any better. Calling Super Mario Galaxy 2 a movie? Calling his preview videos “reviews?” Saying he “reviewed” Star Wars: The Old Republic even though he didn’t play it?
I also blame GottGame for this, if SWAG wasn’t so blind to his incompetence then this wouldn’t happen!
And now… the number 1 worst Irate Gamer/Chris Bores moment of 2009.
1. “Someone call 911 because I was ROBbed” (from Aladdin)
You all saw this coming. You all knew this would be at the top.
The Aladdin review was bad, and it wasn’t “AVGN rip off” bad or “Failure to do Research” bad. It was bad all on its own. Even the fans hated this video, and almost every commentary I see about IG is this review.
I could have filled this entire list with moments from this video it is that bad. The Genie’s Narm-filled acting, the terrible excuse of a “plot”, the CGI snake at the end, the Abu rant that went on for WAY TOO LONG, completely missing the red diamond because he didn’t know how to use the parachute AND claiming he did know but thought it would be funnier if he didn’t, and so much more.
But no, I’m going with the moment that insulted my intelligence. Insulted my perception of reality and comedy. Offended every single sane thought in my head.
And you know the worst part? He pre-wrote that line, he put it into his script, he planned to tell that joke. Somewhere in his insane mind he thought “this is going to be perfect for my video.” Just… what the fuck?
So, that was the 11 worst IG/CB moments of 2009. Even with the lack of activity he still had a deplorable year of reviews. So, have a Happy New Year and see you in 2010.
By the way if he releases a video on the 31st that counts as 2010.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
God how long has it been since he made an actual retro review? All we’ve had are modern reviews that should really be first impressions, reviews of early consoles that he’s disguising as a history lesson, and other bullshit that doesn’t count.
But now we finally have a new video, and boy does it suck. He reviews two games based off The Kool-Aid Man.
Let’s check it out.
Intro: IG changed some of the images for his theme, adding the fake snake, Kid Icarus footage, and the scream in the cockpit (the only intentionally funny thing he’s ever done). He ends the theme with a hand-drawn title card related to the review. Gee, does that sound familiar?
0:20 - 0:37: Oh goody, some history about the Kool-Aid Man. “His popularity was so huge, that he even crossed over into the realm of video games.” Yeah I doubt that was a case of popularity, rather a case of marketing to kids. That’s why the Kool-Aid Man comics exist.
0:38 - 0:49: You notice how he never blinks? It’s like he doesn’t have eyelids it’s damn creepy.
0:50: Begins review of Atari 2600 game
1:01 - 1:29: After showing the opening of the game, he asks “what could be cooler” prompting the most predictable joke ever. The Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall. By the way, you have to love how the hole has wrinkles and is completely inconsistent with the rest of the wall.
It seems all Kool-Aid Man can say is “Oh yeah!” even though he was perfectly capable of speaking full sentences in the commercials.
1:30 - 1:34: “How come these interruptions always happen on my show?” WHAT THE FUCK?
1. They happen because you put them in the script.
2. You have no idea how humor works.
3. They don’t only happen on your show. You’re stealing from the AVGN yet again you hack! Just come out and say you’re unoriginal and stop trying to censor the truth!
1:41: Another thing, enough with the green circles. Do you really think your audience is that retarded?
Well reading the comments, yes they are in fact that retarded.
1:49 - 1:52: After talking about the “emenies” he notes how each color comes from a different row. “In this row we find red balls, in this row we find orange balls…” If you do the joke I think you’re going to do I swear I’ll…
1:53: “And this row we only find blue balls, so guys you might want to avoid this row.” *pent-up rage* YOU ARE SCUM!
2:20 - 2:26: Why can’t you say enemies correctly? It’s not a hard word.
2:27 - 2:38: More forced reaction shots from The Bores as he shows his chronic Pac-Man Fever by jerking the Atari controller around.
2:39: Hey that’s my reaction to watching your videos (with apologies to judekhanzo).
2:41 - 3:05: He notes how the “emenies” bouncing you around gets annoying when the you’re almost out of water. Then… oh lord.
He uses the drowning music from Sonic the Hedgehog combined with reaction shots that look constipated rather then angry. He loses the game and let’s out a “Sheeit” meaning he still can’t curse.
That doesn’t seem like a flaw it sounds normal for an Atari game.
3:11: “Periodically letters will randomly fly across the screen.” HOW DOES THAT WORK? Do they work on a set timer or are they random? Seriously Chris you say these videos take months to make yet you can’t even find grammar mistakes like this?
3:17 - 3:31: IG says that getting any of the letters will turn you invincible, he gets one and starts screaming OH YEAH with some painfully ugly reaction shots. God he’s just ugly.
Wait, he’s saying “Oh Yeah” over and over again, and he’s reviewing the Kool-Aid Man. No Chris, don’t do what I think you’ll…
3:32: Kool-Aid Man bursts through another wall FUUUUUUUUUCK!
3:35 - 4:00: Another pointless and unfunny bit with IG yelling at Kool-Aid Man. Does his annoyance remind anyone else of the AVGN’s Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout review?
4:01 - 4:11: He explains how to progress through the levels, and that each level gets faster. No really? I thought it would go the same pace throughout the entire game.
4:11 - 4:27: It’s time for another Chris Bores joke!
“If you think the first level is easy, just wait until you get to level 50!” Wow, nice editing there douche. That’s not funny at all either.
So Bores gives up because that editing effect took way too long.
4:28: Begins review of the Intellivision game, also this “If you can’t get enough of the big red guy” Why would we want more of him?
4:51: Really Chris? That’s a sink? I never would have thought of it unless you circled it. I’m pretty sure even your retarded fans could see that’s a sink!
Seriously he circles so many obvious things. We can tell what everything is you shithead.
5:11: “If they get close to you, they change direction and start chasing you.” What is this reviews by Idiots Weekly? This is obvious, what is good and what is bad about the game?
Really Chris? We don’t want this to happen? We don’t want the enemies to hit us?
5:33: “Not even a Final Fantasy item will cure this petrifaction” *prompts a fake Final Fantasy menu and tries to use a Soft*
THIS! ISN’T! FUNNY!
6:07: After explaining that getting the sugar requires a step-ladder and how exact you need to be (a legit flaw that he still messes up) he puts it to the left for absolutely no reason then to… make a reference to Pitfall. These games aren’t even on the same console, what sense does this make? GAAAAAAAAAH!
6:26 - 6:35: IG does a cutaway gag where he tries to make Kool-Aid with 4 seconds remaining and how it’s game over for us if we can’t make it in 10 minutes. He yells “DAMN IT” when time runs out and stares at the camera. Purpose Chris! We need purpose!
6:49: He shows the Intellivision Kool-Aid Man breaking through the wall prompting the Kool-Aid Man to once again break through his wall. Well this is the third time and obviously the Rule of Three must apply here right?
6:54 - 7:14: Another pointless scene where he yells at Kool-Aid Man, ending with him staring at the camera. You know, he can’t take time out of his “busy life” to take acting lessons? Or comedy lessons? Or ANYTHING to make his screen presence tolerable?
7:26 - 7:42: After noting you move on to another level he annoys us saying we’ll do the same thing again and again repeated ad naseum until we lose our minds making Kool-Aid. I’m losing my mind watching your shitty videos!
7:42: Seriously? Again with the Kool-Aid Man? You had to do this joke 4 times in this video? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW COMEDY WORKS?
7:45 - 8:04: By the way, he went through the same wall as the first one. This is just bad, you can see the thing holding up the fabric. Bores stops playing and prepares to kill the Kool-Aid Man. He does another “one-liner” while staring at the camera (because that’s how Schwarzenegger and Stallone did it all the time duh) and the screen fades to black.
The review ends with that same snow shot he used in last year’s Christmas videos and watching the “Ronnie the Skeleton Christmas Special”. Yes, he’s using his Jewish Skeleton character to host a Christmas special. According to Bores, snowing on Christmas means it’s a miracle.
He mentions that he loves this show (I know but it’s almost over) and he gets more Kool-Aid from the Kool-Aid Man’s corpse. The video ends with Ronnie about to sing but cutting out before he does. THIS REVIEW SUCKS!
What reason was there to review Kool-Aid Man video games? Was he just looking for another annoying mascot to use?
Nothing in this review indicated those games sucked. The Atari game looked like any other game on the system, and he said nothing about the Intellivision game. Are the controls bad? Is it a worthy title for the Intellivision? I don’t know, he just described what you do and make pointless jokes!
Also how did this review take months? That effect with the Kool-Aid Man bursting through the walls was just a jump-cut, it’s not a legitimate effect.
Not to mention that ending bit with Ronnie was his cop-out excuse for a Christmas special. Yeah, even worse then a Halloween special about cereal.
Because when I think Christmas, I think of an unfunny hack drinking the blood of a sentient juice pitcher while an annoying Jewish Skeleton talks about Christmas.
Really though, the whole thing just reeked of the AVGN's review of Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout, only it wasn't funny or informative.
Until the next video or if I think of something else to talk about, I’ll see you next time. Also a belated Happy Holidays to everyone.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
So to pass the time, I’m going to rant over the videos I skipped because I didn’t feel like watching them. These include non-IG videos, his “blooper” reels, and anything else that he chose to upload on his account.
Again I will NOT be covering Haunted Investigators, those are just painfully boring to sit through.
The first video I skipped was his review of The Sopranos series finale or as he titles it “the SOPRANOS: Final Last Episode Review (we got whacked)”. This was the fourth video he uploaded to his account after The Goonies II.
The video starts with Bores on camera telling people to calm down over the ending and a title card that says “Irate Gamer on: Season Finales”. Question, why are you in character if you’re not talking about video games? He did the same thing in his Aladdin update video he started off saying “Hi guys, Irate Gamer here.” By the way a “season finale” is when the show ends their seasonal run and will come back next year, a “series finale” means the show is over for good. Unless you’re in Europe then everything is messed up over there.
He goes on that if you have a hit show you’ll get a lot of fans and the last episode better be good. Then starts listing off memorable finales mentioning Arrested Development (YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THAT SHOW!)
Then talks about the Seinfeld finale and how it’s not as bad as people thought (yes it is). He also talks about Sliders (NOT WORTHY OF THAT SHOW) as an example of a show that suffers seasonal rot.
Bores goes over The Sopranos “multiple plot-lines comparing them to “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” and how everything was resolved. Next Generation was better dumbass.
He claims that the series needed closure to see if the characters moved on or some crap like that, following that with “This is the most important thing I’ll ever say in my life” and blacking-out, making fun of the finale he was complaining about. That joke was never funny, even when Spoony did it in his Dirty Harry review I didn’t laugh.
This video felt like “Hey guys I’m cool right? I watch all these TV shows and everything!” A finale doesn’t need to resolve every plot line, sometimes it’s nice to leave things open-ended and up for debate. That’s one thing I didn’t like about Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, they tried to fill every plothole in the last minute leaving us with a semi-rushed ending.
The second video I skipped was a commercial for his DVD.
The first line of the video was “You asked for it, you got it!” Who asked for it? Is your ego that inflated that you think people wanted this? He also calls it a “hit popular show”, so yes his ego is that bad. NEXT VIDEO!
A preview for his second Contra episode.
It’s just a bland trailer showing that he’ll review Super C and Contra Force with his fake deaths, that bad NES-hand photoshop, and using his Game Genie. NEXT VIDEO!
Outtakes from his Contra episodes, or as he titles it “Contra Trilogy of Outtakes”. What does that mean?
The entire video is just Bores stumbling over lines. It’s so exciting! Sometimes he’ll stop in the middle of a sentence, sometimes he’ll fumble a word, and if we’re lucky he would just laugh. Let these set the tone for future outtakes.
By the way, any scene with the Wise Sage is covered in green screen. He took a picture of his wall, and put it in chromakey just so he could rip off Star Wars.
The preview for his Predator episode.
The first title card says “Only 2 more episodes left of Season 1” and this confuses me. When he listed his episodes by season at his site (now he does it by year) he said Q*bert was the end of Season 1 and Predator began Season 2. If Predator was meant as the second-to-last episode then why is the ROB episode part of Season 2? What were you planning Bores? Do I even care?
Oh and he uses that “epic” music from the end of his Goonies II review. NEXT VIDEO!
After the Predator review, he released an update to his Top 10 Summer Movies of 2008 list.
He mentions Dragonball getting delayed but still hopes the movie will be good. Really what was he expecting from this shit? He also explains that he didn’t include Star Trek or Harry Potter because they weren’t summer movies (even though they both came out Summer 2009 not Fall/Winter 2008) and anticipates the GI Joe movie (ugh).
He keeps mispronouncing pictures, he doesn’t pronounce the c making it sound like “Pitchers”. NEXT VIDEO!
Preview for his ROB episode.
“Two months in the making” Did most of that time involve buying posters and consoles off eBay? Along with finding the right shirt to completely copy the AVGN? And studying Awesome Video Games’ ROB videos so you can steal from them as well?
“Over 11 Hours of Footage Recorded” So if he recorded 11 hours, then why did it take two months? If you’ve seen the review he doesn’t use a lot of effects, in fact the first video doesn’t have any effects.
“This will be a review to Remember!” Why is remember capitalized?
Then a montage of footage… NEXT VIDEO!
Preview for ROB Part 2.
I love how he uses trailer music that sounds like The Dark Knight’s trailers. Isn’t that cute he thinks he’s epic.
Oh fu-, Chris & Scottie Road Trip 2 BLOOPERS. Kill me.
It’s the same shit of fumbling over lines. Though some of the laughing scenes are convincing bloopers, even though they aren’t funny. By the way, they were barefoot the entire time. Just an interesting thing to point out.
One of the comments on this video says “Did James Rolfe make roadtrip videos? No! This proves that Bores never copied him.” People are stupid.
Preview for ET episode.
Apparently his excuse for taking so long was saying “I’m reviewing ET, of course it will take a long time.” Even though ET is an Atari 2600 game and they don’t require days to complete. Hell ET is one of the few games that you can beat instead of just getting a high score.
He also calls it a double-sized episode. Is that Rice Krispanese for “I’m splitting it into two parts”?
Preview for Home Improvement episode.
What’s with the overly-dramatic Carmina Burana music? You’re reviewing Home Improvement it doesn’t require all that. Again adding “epic music” to your videos and trailers will not make them exciting.
The preview ends and the video continues to run, adding some text at the end asking people why they’re still watching, tells us it will come when it’s ready, and that he has a life (HAHAHA). He tries to joke about that saying he’s going to play with his GI Joe figures… and you ruined it.
Now Bloopers for Home Improvement, hoo boy. Luckily this is only a minute long.
Same bullshit of stumbling lines and pausing for no reason. But the last one wasn’t a blooper, it was Bores dancing with Tony. Why? What purpose did that serve? *sighs* NEXT VIDEO!
A preview for upcoming videos in October.
He said he’ll post the Halloween Special at the end of the month, which is odd since the Monster Party review came out November 8th. Doesn’t sound like October. He tells people to watch SWAG’s Robocop review and for no reason does the “SEGA” shout from the commercials. Pointless pointless pointless. NEXT VIDEO!
A commercial advertising his show is only on YouTube.
Is this supposed to be a parody of something? “Gaming Tip #64, Galaga Aliens are not to be underestimated” and he follows that with clips from Contra Part 2 with Galaga ships trying to attack him.
Strange how he claims the show is only on YouTube even though he makes videos for GottGame. Unless he’s deluded enough to think the Neo show is something completely different. That wouldn’t surprise me at all.
Preview for Monster Party episode.
Claims this was two months in the making (makes sense this time since he decided to play a bunch of pointless characters) and “You Won’t Believe What Happens”. Oh let me guess, boring sketches with a review in there that bitches about minor details. Did I win?
Bloopers for Monster Party episode. Only 41 seconds this time.
Same pointless shit. NEXT VIDEO!
A video about the announcement of a Green Lantern movie.
He gushes about being a HUGE Green Lantern fan, mispronounces Sinestro’s name (really, you’re a huge fan?) and that they’ll save him for the second or third movie. How do you even know they’ll make a second or third? Maybe the first movie will suck ass. Then goes on about Superman Returns being terrible. NEXT VIDEO!
Preview for Aladdin episode.
His ego has reached Seto Kaiba proportions! He titled this as a “Movie Trailer” and included the MPAA’s “This preview has been approved for all audiences” image. Oh and nice job photoshopping your site’s name in the image, it’s not like the MPAA doesn’t own that OH WAIT THEY DO!
He actually includes segments of the “I Wish I May, I Wish I Might” poem. Wow.
Then tries to make it look “epic” with trailer music and flashy images. *sighs* NEXT VIDEO!
Bloopers for Aladdin episode.
Same pointless bullshit. Though some shots of the Sage have the boom-mic peeking out. Of course it was covered in green-screen because that’s how all video game reviews should be done *takes out pistol and places in mouth* NO! I can do this.
Preview for Sonic Unleashed episode.
He calls it the newest Sonic game yet at the time of the video’s release Sonic and The Black Knight was out so you FAIL!
“Time to open up a hedgehog sized can of worms”. Not only is this unfunny, but real hedgehogs ARE the size of a can. Nice research asshole.
He then tells us to watch it at GottGame. Hmm, posting a trailer for a video that can only been seen on another site. Where have I heard this before?
Preview for History of Video Games Part 1.
“IG has reviewed the worst” *shows ET* “IG has reviewed the best” *shows Tetris* “IG has even reviewed the R.O.B.” *shows ROB* Wait, he admits he reviews good games? I… uh… *sighs*. Of course the example he used was Tetris, a game that everyone loves. He still can’t tell the difference between a good or bad game. By the way what was with “reviewed the ROB” that had no point.
I think he’s trying to emulate Awesome Video Games and Pat the NES Punk by making ROB a character, however he completely screws that up by using him for puns and hitting him for no reason.
“But now, it’s time to Start at the beginning…” Why is start capitalized? NEXT VIDEO!
Preview for Resident Evil 5 episode.
“In 2007, a Zombie broke into Irate Gamers room”. You referred to this Big Lipped Alligator Moment just for this trailer. What is wrong with you?
And where’s the apostrophe in Gamer?
I like how he included the controller shot from his video. Watch me fail in both the trailer and the review.
I noticed he doesn’t make trailers for his Neo reviews anymore, he just posts the previous video with a vague announcement that the next one is at GottGame.
Last video, his review of Star Trek 2009.
Bores gushes that the movie was good and hopes they make more Star Trek movies. You do know there are 10 other movies out there right? He says he never liked the original series but says the characters here are great.
“There’s a lot of action and subtle moments that hardcore fans will notice.” Like what? You said you weren’t a fan yet you know about these moments? Mixing the messages again Chris.
He compares the movie to Star Wars which shouldn’t happen because the two series are nothing alike. Trekkies have enough problems then to get in feuds with Star Wars fans.
Then he talks about the comic prequel or something I lost interest at this point.
He ends the review saying that it’s an awesome flick.
THERE! That’s all the videos I skipped over. This should hold you over until Bores next “magnum opus of failure.”
Friday, November 20, 2009
Disclaimer: This is at GottGame right now.
Wow Chris, another review already? It only took 3 weeks this time.
It’s DJ Hero, another quick cashgrab from the demons at Activision. Luckily the game sold poorly, but that doesn’t stop Bores from being an ignorant jackass.
Intro: He finally removed the Mario 2 footage from the theme. Maybe he reads this? Naaaah.
0:22: Pointless Happy Days reference with the DJ Hero controller. This is going to suck.
0:25 – 0:37: Bores points out the multiple “Hero” games Activision released in the last two months. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by this, I guess sell-outs appreciate the works of other whores.
He also calls Band Hero “Guitar Hero: Band Hero.” YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! It’s not Batman: The Dark Knight, it’s not The Watchmen, it’s not Sonic Unleashed: The Hedgehog and Band Hero does not have the Guitar Hero moniker. That’s just stupid.
0:39: “They even created a new Guitar Hero accessory, the turntable.” That’s not a guitar you moron.
0:45 – 1:00: He explains that the game is just like GH only with record scratches and switches. Of course it’s much more complicated then that. He also points out the turntable works if you’re left-handed, and the point of mentioning this was?
1:17 – 1:26: Here he says he won’t bore us with the details (how thoughtful) but if you’ve played previous GH games then it should be easy. Really, because I played the Rock Band drums after mastering Guitar Hero on Expert. It doesn’t work like that.
I should point out he’s wearing a Pac-Man T-Shirt with a red jacket and headphones, Chris people aren’t stupid enough to think you’re a real DJ.
1:27 – 1:35: “Everything is customizable, you can unlock new venues, new characters…” Just like every other Guitar Hero/Rock Band game released in the last couple years.
1:36 – 1:41: “… and they added some nice eye candy, thank god for that.” Hey Chris, how is that break-up going? Also there’s a little invention called “The Internet” and there are many sites with “Eye Candy” available for free.
1:41 – 1:54: IG points out the ability to play guitar in some songs (notice how the guitar section is set to auto-play) but is pissed at the lack of drum support. It’s DJ Hero be glad you even got a guitar option. In fact that’s only available in ten remixes out of 94.
1:55 – 2:18: Here he whines that there are too many obscure songs that don’t get him moving. So when he gets a well-known song he does a little “spin” pretending he’s a DJ. Pointless.
2:18: “Another complaint I have is the game’s difficulty level” Here we go, let’s hear your bitching you twat.
2:22 – 2:40: His complaint here is that the difficulty is unbalanced (on the medium setting… okay) and how he can get 4-5 stars on some songs but some he can’t even get 2. Well that’s common in a lot of rhythm games. Where have you been?
2:40: *sighs* What follows could compete with “Call 911 I was ROBbed” for worst joke he’s ever told.
“I should be able to score more then 2 stars on Hollaback Girl. Damn, B-A-N-A-ass”
It hurts my soul so much.
The review ends saying the game isn’t for everyone but people that liked Guitar Hero will like this (no they won’t) and to be wary of the price tag.
And then… this “That’s pretty much it, Gamer Out” and the words “Irate Shady” with Eminem playing in the background. Never say Gamer Out again, and you’ll never be in the same league as Marshall Mathers.
Another video and surprise it’s another piece of crap. All I know is these Neo reviews provide more material for the parody creators and more fuel for his haters.
Now to wait for an actual review with poorly-acted sketches and overuse of Game Genie, I honestly can’t wait.
Stay Brutal my Readers.
Monday, November 16, 2009
That's right, Chris Bores is 30 years old now.
Which makes me wonder why his writing style is similar to a 3rd Grade student doing a report on The Great Gatsby or any other book that's far too advanced for him.
I also bring into question how a 29 year old man could write "Call 911 because I was ROBbed" and consider that worthy of posting on the Internet.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Well I’ve been putting this one off for a while but by request I will do Irate Gamer’s Robocop review, rather SWAG and Irate Gamer’s Robocop review.
Since both of them talk in the review, I’ll point out in each time lapse the person talking.
0:17 – 0:55: SWAG starts out here. He talks about Robocop being popular and the good
Actually Ocean never developed it, they acquired the rights with Data East asking for permission to make the games. DE made both the
0:56 – 1:19: IG begins talking. Notice how SWAG sounds civilized but Bores sounds like a caveman?
He points out the opening cut scene with Robocop shooting a gun but all you do in the game is punch, and without explanation to why this punch is horrible. Then he delves into the same “lack of story bullshit” once again showing that he’s not a gamer.
1:19 – 1:36: SWAG agrees with the lack of story (guh?) and you should start out as Alex Murphy and follow the movie’s plot. He acknowledges the BRUTALLY violent gunning down scene but they should have found a way to tone it down.
Are you aware of Nintendo’s censorship polices? In fact the original movie scene was so violent they had to constantly tone it down for an acceptable R rating, you can find the uncut version on YouTube.
1:37 – 2:11: IG starts up again. He points out the 8-Bit rendition of the movie’s theme and how it sucks. Then he acknowledges that 8-Bit software has limitations… wait what? He finally acknowledges that NES games have limited software despite his whiny rant in the TMNT review about the NES port of the
Then he compares the two themes and that it’s the only music you’ll hear throughout the entire game.
2:12 – 2:32: SWAG points out the strange sounds the dogs make, the fact that Robocop is even fighting dogs (“this didn’t happen in the movie!”) and makes a cringing joke about calling PETA. Did Bores write your jokes as well?
2:32 – 2:59: IG wonders who the first boss is since he’s bigger then Robocop and deflects bullets (rule of movie-based games, there will be bosses that weren’t in the movie DUH). Then asks why you have to kill the second boss by punching him instead of shooting him. A user named “vnisanian2001” pointed out you CAN shoot him to death, so once again Bores lied.
3:00 – 3:30: SWAG shows the bonus FPS stages but comments they were an afterthought, and the game’s lack of replay value saying if you beat it once you can do it again in less then 30 minutes. Holy crap actual points about the game! Oh wait this is SWAG talking not Bores… never mind then.
3:31 – 3:58: IG says the only fun parts of the game are fighting ED-209 (he pronounces it wrong spelling out ED and not saying it) but whines that the animation sucks and he can do better. THEN DO BETTER YOU DOUCHE! I’d like to see you make an 8-Bit video game oh that’s right you can’t!
He continues whining that the ending was “anticlimatic” (seriously that’s how he pronounced it) and the “See You Again” credit is bullshit (why?)
3:59 – 4:09: SWAG asks if we blame Data East or Ocean, I’m not sure what the point of this question was…
So the video ends with Bores announcing that someone needs to pay, so he takes out a laptop and “activates” Robocop. We cut to SWAG covered in Tinfoil, apparently this is the best Robocop costume he could get. TinfoilCop mentions his third objective is to “Destroy Makers of Shitty Video Games” Was this an unused plotline from Robocop 3 or something?
Bores orders him to destroy Ocean and shows off his acting talent by shouting “Yes Yes” and waving his arms around, this is just painful and shameful rolled into one. TinfoilCop walks to a nearby beach to “destroy ocean”, he says the famous line “Your Move Creep” and starts getting swept away because “the ocean is too strong.” Bores then gets an idea and orders him to destroy R&B Singer Billy Ocean. Why? So we can see TinfoilCop walk across an extremely unconvincing green screen backdrop!
This review sucked ass. The credits did mention that Bores co-wrote which explains the lame jokes and lack of research.
I don’t know SWAG seems like an intelligent guy how could he fall for Bores’ bullcrap?
Now to just wait for Bores to release another video, until that time Stay Brutal My Readers.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Ahh E3 2009, I remember it like it was yesterday. Nintendo almost setting us up for disappointment only to reveal a megaton Metroid title, Microsoft introducing Project Natal while I shouted “That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in my life” and Sony revealing Final Fantasy XIV which is sadly another MMORPG.
But enough about what I thought, this year Chris Bores was invited by GottGame to attend the Expo. Since Bores is a pathological liar and continually tries to mask he’s not a gamer, he released a tedious series of E3 Preview videos. Bores however doesn’t know the difference between a review and preview so he titled each video as a review, even though none of the games are complete.
Starting off Bores videotaped Nintendo’s Conference, for some reason he called it a Private Conference even though G4 showed it live and the big sites like IGN and GameTrailers streamed it. A private conference would mean only a select few would see it, since an entire country could get access to it it’s not private.
0:05 – 0:55: The boredom immediately sets in as Bores talks about waiting for a bus and going into the conference. Who the hell is holding the camera?
0:58 – 1:06: Cammie Dunaway announces New Super Mario Bros. Wii as we get an awkward shot of Bores giving a thumbs-up… okaaaaaaaay.
1:07 – 1:43: A Nintendo Executive explains the new gameplay mechanics and after a while we get a shot of Bores for no reason. I don’t remember the NSMB tutorial being this boring, though I watched it live on G4 (the only reason to watch that channel).
1:45 – 2:40: The time listed is just more of the same that you can see in better quality at IGN or GT.
2:41 – 2:48: Bores chimes in that the conference is much longer and instead of boring us he’ll give a recap. At least he’s merciful here unlike his reviews.
2:50 – 3:05: He points out the announcement of Wii Motion Plus (even though WM+ was originally announced E3 2008) and continues to call the Wii Remote the “Wii Joystick.” Does Bores have any idea what a joystick is?
3:06 – 3:21: Bores points out Wii Sports Resort, he introduces it like it’s no big deal. He says he has coverage of the game even though the other videos don’t mention it.
3:22 – 3:41: He mentions WM+ works with Wii Sports Resort (which he just said) along with Wii Fit +. Then he lists off a bunch of sports games, and glosses over Red Steel 2 without a second thought (even though the original game was a Wii Launch Title and people had high expectations).
3:42 – 4:24: Here he talks about Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days (mispronouncing it no surprise), he says he played it and it’s like the other Kingdom Hearts games (oh please he’s never played Kingdom Hearts) then pads for time by showing the rest of the trailer.
4:25 – 4:54: Next he shows Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story. He says he played it and it “feels strictly like an RPG.” Really, what gave you that hint God of Gaming? The fact that this is the third game in the series or even easier YOU GET STATS! Has he ever played a Mario RPG game before? Oh that’s right he’s not a gamer so no he has not.
4:55 – 5:01: Shows Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Minis March Again and claims “I believe this is the third installment” which I’m pretty sure Reggie just said. PAY ATTENTION MAGGOT!
5:02 – 5:24: Glances over Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: The Crystal Bearers, then mentions he has exclusive footage of a brand new Zelda game. Even though Spirit Tracks was announced months beforehand and tons of real journalists have footage, so it’s not that exclusive is it Mr. Bores?
5:25 – 5:37: Glosses over the Wii FPS and Rail Shooter games.
5:38 – 7:40: Bores states they saved the best for last and shows the entire trailer for Super Mario Galaxy 2, and I mean the entire trailer.
7:42: “Now once the movie trailer ended…” Wait what?
He called Super Mario Galaxy 2 a movie. I … uh… wha… aw3kl;a45jl;13 12l;5j1kl5j3l;1k j1kl;5jkl;6jl;k *static*
7:46 – 9:44: Then he shows the entire Metroid: Other M trailer. This would be the only good thing about the video if I didn’t have the ability to find a different website with a higher quality trailer. But I do so this video just sucks.
The video ends with Bores clapping with a very ugly smile and saying “Freaking sweet.” I apologize for the lack of snark, this video was just so damn boring. But this is just the beginning, there are 7 more videos to go, tune in… right now.
Video 2 is a “review” of New Super Mario Bros. Wii, even though the game wasn’t out then and at the time of this writing isn’t out now.
Intro: Each of his E3 videos has an intro that sounds like Bores farted into a microphone and added a waa-waa machine.
0:05 – 0:39: IG points out his press pass and walks into the building. You can see the camera man in the reflection, looks like an unpayed Intern that wonders where his life went wrong. The rest is random footage of the show floor.
0:40 – 0:53: He starts his “review” of NSMB Wii saying “nobody expected this game.” Of course nobody expected it E3 is about surprises and new titles. He mentions the game looks great and is a lot of fun. Okay can you tell us why this game looks fun? No? Of course not.
0:54 – 1:05: Bores shows the “really cool” feature of having 4 players AT THE SAME TIME (making fun of his forced excitement here) and continues to call the Toads “Toadstools.” For the last time they’re not Toadstools, that was the Princess’ name in early localizations! The Toads were never called Toadstool, get it through your head!
1:06 – 1:17: He mentions one “drawlback” (English Motherfucker do you speak it?) is jumping off people’s heads messes you up getting you in trouble. How is that a problem since that’s a basic gameplay element? It’s like complaining about killing enemies to get health in Mario 2 it’s not a flaw.
1:41 – 1:54: He comments that fans of Mario will LOVE this game as they brought back Yoshi (who appeared in countless games since but who’s counting?) and The Koopalings (who appeared in Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga) as he exclaims “VERY COOL!” Why is the inflection in his voice so… Gah.
1:55 – 2:06: After a weird smiling shot Bores tells us he tried to ask a developer for more info but he couldn’t get it. That’s because Nintendo likes to keep things secret you douche! We can’t even learn about Shigeru Miyamoto’s hobbies because it would give fan’s ideas for new games (many Nintendo games this decade have been based on Shiggy’s hobbies).
2:07 – 2:13: “If past Mario Wii games are any indication, there will definitely be hidden characters.” Wha *looks at previous Mario Wii games* Well you can unlock Luigi in Super Mario Galaxy if you get all 120 Stars. Mario Kart Wii has hidden characters but that’s been standard since Double Dash. SSBB isn’t really a Mario game. What the hell is he talking about?
He ends the video telling us to look for the game this fall and gives us a creepy smile. Boy what a needlessly pointless video, I’m sure glad a boring man-baby pointed out the obvious and shit I don’t care about.
The third video was a “review” of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Yes the game based off the horrible movie. From the reviews and footage I’ve seen, it looks like complete shit. Early Dreamcast graphics with broken Ikari Warriors controls. But hey Bores has no idea how a quality game works so let’s see him gush over it.
0:08 – 0:11: “Now it’s time to review G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” Son of a… there’s two things wrong in this sentence. It’s not a review since the game isn’t complete, and the title is “The Rise of Cobra” as in the creation of Cobra, the terrorist organization that the Joes have to stop every episode.
0:12 – 0:17: “Now this game is based off the movie that’s coming out” Thank you Captain Obvious.
0:25 – 0:31: “What’s really cool is that you can get a second player to help beat Cobra.” *gasp* a second player? What is this black magic? Next you’ll be telling us games will be played in the Third Dimension!
0:33: “The controls were very easy to learn and pick up” of course they’re easy you only press the fire button you dumbass!
0:38 – 1:04: Bores mentions he asked a developer about extra characters and learned there will be, he mentions some of them and does the same “Very Cool” he did in his NSMB Wii review. Still doesn’t matter because this game is a load of crap. He also mentions some characters that won’t be in the game. Again who cares?
1:05 – 1:11: “One cool thing you can do is actually climb into vehicles.” Oh be still my beating heart! Climbing into vehicles, I never thought I’d experience such a dream in a video game!
Yeah this is just another sign that Bores isn’t a gamer.
1:12 – 1:20: “One really cool thing is that you can play as the good guys or the bad guys” Ooooh how original, that’s never been done before. I still have 4 more videos after this.
1:21 – 1:36: Bores pads for time by showing the character roster. My guess is that they all play exactly the same, a lazy move that developers do to save time.
He ends the video saying “It’s shaping up to be decent” and expect it soon. Did the developer pay Bores to say all that positive bullshit? You couldn’t have thought this was good in the slightest.
After that trainwreck he gives us “exclusive new Zelda footage” or he “reviews” The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks. Like NSMB Wii it isn’t out yet so I have nothing to fall back on for Bores’ moronic statements.
0:12 – 0:25: Bores whines about the extremely long line and waiting “40 freakin’ minutes” to finally play. So when he’s not “in character” he can’t say fuck? There’s a shot at the end with Bores looking “Irate” while he holds the DS, if Phantom Hourglass is any indication the entire thing is touch-screen controls so YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!
0:26 – 0:33: He points out the three modes while he circles them.
Third Rate Gamer: Hopefully if I circle these words as I read them, it will enhance the video because my fans don’t know how to read.
0:35 – 0:54: He chooses the Dungeon first and believes the entire game has you controlling a large knight with the touch-screen (as he explains it in boring detail). I have a feeling the knight is only there for certain areas like PUZZLES!
0:55 – 1:14: “Durrr dis game has puzzles, like dis one dis one and more. They were challenging but fUn factor still der.”
1:15 – 1:22: He glances over the boss battle because “it’s easy to understand.” Chris this game isn’t out yet, don’t review it like everyone knows what you’re talking about.
1:23 – 1:41: “This is da train mode, it’s very easy to understand but I’ll explain it anyway.”
1:42 – 1:55: Bores tried asking a representative when the train stages appear and responded “I don’t know.” So he assumes that trains are used to travel from one place to another.
Uggggggggggggggh oh god my brain is coming out of my ass aw43523q;l 4j125l4k;j34 5k2536’ *static*
He finally ends it noting that it’s very different but enjoyable, how unrelentlessly stupid and painful. I hope people kicked his ass at E3.
This next video I don’t understand. He originally uploaded it without any problems but took it down an hour later. He then put it back up split into two parts, why? According to the description YouTube forced him… wait what? IG is a YouTube Partner he can go over the 11 minute limit, and the whole thing is only 4 minutes long. I guess it’s to get more ad revenue, which is why he splits his movie lists in two.
The first part is about Star Wars: The Old Republic, the upcoming MMORPG that will try to wash the taste of Star Wars Galaxies out. I’m not an MMO fan but I’m sure I know more about them then Bores.
0:07 – 0:13: “One game that caught everyone by surprise was LucasArts’ newest offering, Star Wars: The Old Republic.” Except the game was announced in 2008 not at E3 2009, and Bioware is developing the game not LucasArts.
0:14 – 1:05: He then shows some of the trailer, yeah the real thing is longer then the listed time but it’s still a lot of padding here.
1:06 – 1:12: Bores comment he was invited for a sneak preview, and was impressed with what he “sawl.” Notice how the title says it’s a review yet he hasn’t mentioned playing it.
1:13 – 1:25: Explaining the story (the same timeline as KOTOR which he doesn’t mention) and some redundancy “This game looks fascinating and everything I’ve seen so far looks pretty darn cool.”
1:26 – 1:33: “I totally got pictures with some real Jedi and a real Clone Trooper” Yeah those totally aren’t LucasArts employees paid to dress up and promote the game.
1:33: Okay, even though he didn’t mention it in the title he’s going to “review” Lego Indiana Jones 2. Though the picture of the video should have been a clue, but he didn’t even leave tags about it.
1:39 – 1:43: “I wasn’t able to get footage because it was prohibited.” Oh boo-freakity-hoo it looks the same as the first one.
Blah blah blah “The levels will be completely different from the first game” because that never happens in a sequel… *puts gun in mouth*
1:57: Now he’s talking about Activision and their line of rhythm shit. Again this wasn’t mentioned in the title or tags, and I didn’t get a clue like Indiana Jones.
Okay I’m going to take a quick moment here and point out how much he says “and from what I sawl” that’s not how sentence transitions work you inbred 5th grade dropout.
Anywho, at the end of the first part he started talking about Beatles: Rock Band and he awkwardly cuts the video. So, on to the unnecessary second part.
After calling himself a big fan we’re treated to a horrible performance of I Saw Her Standing There ending with Bores doing an embarrassing impression of John Lennon. Yeah this is the entire second part.
*sighs* There’s just one video left and he saved the dumbest for last (probably). IG “reviews” Ghostbusters and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up, one is a decent licensed game and the other is a bland Smash Bros clone (yes I know some of the team worked on Brawl but it’s still a bland game).
0:25 – 0:45: Bores notes the controls take getting used to (like every other video game out there) but he caught Slimer for the first time! Notice how the representative is cheering him on, kind of sounds like a parent cheering on their short & scrawny kid in a basketball game.
The way he said “I caught Slimer for the first time” goes back to my point about him always wanting to be a Ghostbuster. Seeing how he still does Haunted Investigators I guess reality should catch up sooner or later.
0:46: “Outside there was a cool replica of the Ghostbusters car.” Uhhh that was the real Ecto-1 not a replica, in fact James Rolfe took a picture of the same car even saying “The original Ecto-1” in his post.
Disclaimer: This is not another accusation of plagiarism, I used the example posted at Cinemassacre to prove that Bores was once again wrong.
0:54 – 1:26: Bores “reviews” TMNT: Smash-Up, and by review he says a few words and does a pointless montage.
1:27 – 1:49: IG mentions the celebrities that attended as you see him jizz his pants over Stan Lee being there. Only he didn’t walk up to him he just pointed at him from a distance and went nuts.
At San Diego Comic-Con 2007 I went to a restaurant and I saw Stan Lee at a distance, I didn’t go crazy I just saw him and said “Oh hey Stan Lee is eating here, awesome.” You know why I didn’t go crazy? Because celebrities are always going to be at big events like E3 or Comic-Con, that’s how it works!
So the video ends with Bores doing a montage of various games he played while his “Neo” theme song plays, and finally leaving the convention that never wanted him stating “That was one for the record books.” GOOD GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE!
What I want to know is how many people confronted him about his bullshit? Did SWAG scare them off? Someone had to see him and call him out. God damn it all!
There are some interviews that Bores conducted with random developers at GottGame but I’m done with this, E3 has been over for months and I’ll just wait for Bores’ next failure to pop up.
Stay Brutal My Readers.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Bores rips off I Love the 80s and talks about Fruity Yummy Mummy, the forgotten "monster-related cereal" in the tradition of Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry. According to Wikipedia it was only on store shelves for 6 years and was discontinued because it sucked.
This is unacceptable in every form. Chris people hate you because you do astronomically idiotic videos like this.
I'm just going to express my disgust with an overused picture.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Are you kidding me? Why would you reupload the same video?
I didn't watch it but I read in the comments there's only one noticeable change.
The "joke" with the cheerleader getting squirted was changed.
Original: That's not right
Remastered: Way to jack off on the cheerleader pervert.
That's right, he once again explained the joke because he thinks everyone is an idiot.
I'll just wait for the AVGN to release Castlevania Part 3, at least I can get enjoyment from his Super Castlevania IV review. I love that game.
EDIT: I tried watching some of it but turned it off after a few minutes.
He added "It's not that bad" after the meat grinder line, just saying that will not make up for your stupidity.
Like the Contra review where he said "It's an awesome game" then started to bitch about the story and difficulty like it mattered. Or SMB2 where he said "I don't hate Mario 2 but it has ass written all over it" and at the end "This is the worst Mario game ever."
He also added a scream to the Aaron Spelling joke. Considering that Spelling died in 2006 before he made the first review, it didn't work in 2007 and it doesn't work now.
I did hear from FFL2and3rocks that he removed the part about the Ants being too hard, I guess the severe ownage he received from LuizPrower bruised his inflated ego. Luiz made a short series playing ZAMN and beating the Ants level in various ways, the last one without using his weapons. It's not on his account anymore since he was hacked with all his videos removed.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Hey kids do you know what time it is? It’s time for “Chris Bores plays modern games for 20 minutes and gives full reviews of them!” We’ve got two of his “Neo” reviews today so let’s get rolling.
The first piece of idiocy is his review of Boom Blox Bash Party, the sequel to the best-selling Steven Spielberg game that takes physics and makes them fun.
Intro: My friend BahamutSeven pointed this out, if these are modern reviews why does he have a clip of Super Mario Bros 2 (GBA version) and that clip from Contra Part 2 holding a Game Genie? I thought the “Neo” show was about modern video games, he can’t even get his intros right.
0:20 – 0:28: “I’m going to review Boom Blox Bash Party, and I thought this game was really fun to play” Oh good the review is over see ya!
*Bores continues* Damn it.
0:30 – 1:15: Did I mention these videos are boring? We could volunteer IG’s videos to sleep experts and have them advertise it as a sleep aide! Wait the Irritated Gamer already did that joke but honestly IG’s voice can put anyone to sleep.
1:24 – 1:31: IG mentions how most of the levels are locked, even labeling the squares with locks on them. Really Chris, those padlocks mean the levels can’t be accessed? Tell me more oh spokesman of Fisher-Price.
1:33: “Only by beating a level will the next one be unlocked” Okay I declare Chris Bores the new King of Obvious, a title that’s both respected and despised.
1:44 – 1:57: After pointing out the animal that tells you your goal he “notices” something and sees photoshopped text that orders Bores to make the Penguin a sandwich. He responds “Get your own sandwich asshole I’m in the middle of a game review here” and stares at the camera trying to imply “that’s where you’re supposed to laugh.”
Saying “Make me a
Third Rate Gamer: Get your own sandwich I’m in the middle of a bad joke here *stares at camera with constipated look* Or if you make fun of IG’s bad jokes, then it’s hilarious.
He gives an explanation of the medals, while putting green circles around them because his fans are pants-on-head stupid. Seriously we can see what you’re referring to you don’t have to hold our hands.
2:22: “At first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking until you see.”
*Vegeta’s nose starts to bleed*
Nappa: You okay Vegeta?
Vegeta: Yes just, just an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity
Nappa: Wow, didn’t think you were that stupid Vegeta
Some more boring explanations and jokes later
3:04: He notes that getting Gold Medals isn’t a big deal as you don’t get anything for it, and I’m not kidding here, he photoshops himself onto a Wheaties Box because… ummm… BREAKFAST IS RUINED! Was that the best joke you could come up with Chris? In fact this joke seems like something Family Guy would do in a desperate situation. I hate this show so much.
The review ends with IG mentioning the multiplayer and having Ronnie the Jewish Skeleton play with him. Wow, how boring and forgetful.
I should mention this review came out over two months ago but he just uploaded it to YouTube today because Chris Bores is a lazy git.
Next up his review of Guitar Hero Van Halen, it can only be seen on GottGame now but I watched it earlier and the site doesn’t run like 90s Yahoo anymore.
0:20 – 0:34: IG notes he obtained an early copy of GH:VH and says “It’s about time I got some Irate Gamer clod around here.” I’m sorry what? If someone can translate what he said I’ll correct this.
Note the arrogance in his voice when he says he got this early, like he’s thinking “Durrr people are finally recognizing my greatness.” It’s not a big deal, if you pre-ordered Guitar Hero 5 you got a copy of VH for free. I guess the staff of GottGame pre-ordered multiple copies and sent one of the spare VH discs to Bores.
0:45: “Just from the opening sequence you can tell you made a great purchase” What purchase, this game was free with the purchase of a different game. And again why does the opening matter? It doesn’t affect gameplay or overall quality (unless you can’t skip it then that’s problematic).
0:57: Look at the awkward strumming, it’s embarrassing.
I should point out he’s playing on the Medium setting, I guess he’s improved since that disastrous Beatles Rock Band performance at E3.
1:12 – 1:25: You know for someone that calls himself the “Irate Gamer” he’s being overly positive about this.
1:40 – 2:00: IG complains that the game doesn’t go by chronological album release and doesn’t have Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony. So? GH Metallica didn’t have Cliff Burton or Jason Newstead. Also if the game went by album release the songlist would be extremely unbalanced, Eruption would be the second song and nobody would want that.
2:01 – 2:13: Bores starts whining that there’s more then Van Halen songs in the career mode and they shouldn’t be here.
2:14 – 2:21: Hey, remember that “Jungle Improvement” joke from his Home Improvement review? That joke that completely hurts your soul and destroys your perception of humanity? Well he recycles that with “This is supposed to be Guitar Hero Van Halen, not Guitar Hero Van Halen Blink-182 Billy Joel Third Eye Blind Weez-“
Wait wait wait, Billy Joel? As in Captain Jack/Piano Man/Only The Good Die Young Billy Joel? What the fuck? Billy Joel isn’t in this game, did he mean Billy Idol? Because White Wedding is one of the first songs of the career mode and… how the hell did he confuse them?
Oh yeah I remember when Billy Joel made a song about his sister’s shotgun wedding, forced to marry a guy because she got pregnant.
Bores how can you make so many mistakes in your videos? It’s like you’re trying to completely fail at these reviews. Reminds me of his Harvey Birdman review where he called Freezoid "Reducto" even though they're nothing alike.
2:22: “I wouldn’t have minded if these songs were playable outside of career mode, but career should have only Van Halen.” I can imagine him playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith or Metallica and bitching “Why is Cheap Trick the first song and not Aerosmith? Why is Bob Segar in Metallica’s career mode? Waaaaaaah”
2:32: “This game has more Van Halen songs then you can shake a stick at” CLICHES LADIES & GENTLEMEN!
2:41 – 2:54: “It could be worse” Uh oh I smell another Chris Bores joke coming. IG dubs in Lovin’ You by Minnie Riperton and fakes some disgusted reactions.
THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC DOES NOT APPROVE!
2:56 – 3:02: “There is not a lot wrong with this game, I liked it a lot.” Again, aren’t you supposed to be the “Irate” Gamer as in someone that’s angry at video games?
So he ends the review saying Guitar Hero Van Halen was fantastic and liked that they included Panama (or as he pronounces it “Panamaw”) which shouldn’t be a surprise since Panama was one of their biggest hits.
Overall these reviews added absolutely nothing and endlessly bored me to sleepy tears. Come on Bores I want you to do something really stupid, I want to see something that makes the Aladdin review look like nothing. MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!
Stay brutal my readers.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Intro: He doesn’t use that tedious “Important Aspect” intro (by the way that intro looked exactly like a special about video games that CNBC did a couple years ago), instead he jumps into the later games.
0:24 – 0:32: “These rifles are very expensive and hard to find, you’d have to sell your soul just to get one” *Devil Bores enters* Oh my God could you be anymore forced if you tried? I could see the cue cards he was reading off of. Even Full House didn’t pull off contrived crap like this and I hate that show.
0:33 – 0:51: Devil Bores prepares to make a deal but IG already has one and he just leaves… just because you can do Big Lipped Alligator Moments doesn’t mean you should.
0:53: Stop staring at the camera.
1:15 – 1:21: “This light gun reacts to other lights, what a shitwaffle” okay he didn’t say shitwaffle but it’s powered by a light on the TV screen of course it will work with other sources you hack.
1:32: Really Bores? Those are the bullseyes? I never would have figured it out unless you used the green circles to point out the obvious!
1:48 – 2:26: IG starts playing the Western Shooter, he parodies The Good, The Bad, & the Ugly and does some horrible close-ups of his face. When the light’s show up he changes the music to “action-packed” and shoots all of them. Adding music and “intense” camera angles will not make your videos anymore exciting.
2:28 – 3:10: He starts playing the airplane game but for some reason calls them Nazis (even though Nazis didn’t fly bi-planes… nor did anyone else in World War II), then he tries to be “cool”, dresses up as… something, and “intensely” shoots down the planes to Ride of the Valkyries (at least a remix of it), then shoots the dot above his head (lame effect).
Wait, what is he referencing here? Is it Apocalypse Now, which doesn’t make sense since that was a
3:11 – 3:40: He reviews the Carnival game but says it sucks because they don’t move. Hey Chris, there’s a simple concept called Imagination it makes video games a lot more fun. Hell it made the AVGN’s Odyssey review 100 times better even if it was full of toilet humor (I liked the Popsicle joke…).
3:41 – 3:50: He notes that controlling the targets gets very boring, very fast. Uhhh don’t you have HAL doing that? Oh that’s right you make these videos by yourself, that’s why the Cat & Mouse game looked so jerky in the first video, you moved each controller one at a time. Thanks to BahamutSeven for pointing this out.
Bores starts up the sketch part of the review (that was completely unnecessary considering this is a history lesson and unrelated plotlines have nothing to do with it) by attempting to turn the Odyssey off. However HAL doesn’t like this and electrocutes him when he tries to remove the game. HAL (continuing to sound like Bores after taking tranquilizers, the ones he used to end the pain of his girlfriend leaving him *cough* excuse me) tells him he can’t do that and starts hitting him with the Odyssey Rifle (that’s the best you can do Bores? Have one of the greatest movie villains hit you with a plastic toy?)
Did he just make HAL say “bring it bitch?” Stanley Kubrick is rolling in his grave now…
So IG stops the evil computer by… turning off the evil computer. Wow, how anti-climatic and unsatisfying. Like the movie HAL sings Daisy Bell (which doesn’t make sense in this context since in the movie that song was taught the day HAL became operational).
IG notes the Odyssey sold poorly due to the misleading advertising and high price… nooo I think it sold poorly because it was new and nobody knew what to do with it. It was the first video game console that was still a foreign concept back in the 70s. Besides, I doubt people were that stupid in the 70s to think certain products only worked on certain appliances.
“A few weeks before the Odyssey’s release Nolan Bushnell released Pong, and that’s next” Except the Odyssey came out May 1972 and Atari Inc. was founded June 1972. Again, why review Pong? It’s fucking Pong it’s not an obscure title.
So like every other review he’s done this was horrible and shit rolled into one. Stanley Kubrick has risen from the grave, gone to dig up Arthur C. Clarke, and the two of them will go beat the crap out of Bores.
If anything good came out of this he says in the description the next History of Video Games (or HOV as he so kindly abbreviates, kind of looks like a rejected War Games computer) will be out after he does a “few reviews.” Considering how long it takes for him to do a video I guess we’ll see the Pong review in *looks at watch* April 2011.
Until next time, stay frosty people.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Surprisingly Baer responded, vic sent me a screencap of his answer. His name and e-mail has been censored for his protection (by him).
It looks like Baer has already seen it, he could even point out every error but doing so would take too much time.
Hmmm, I wonder if the head developer of Zombies Ate my Neighbors has an e-mail address, I could send him Bores' poor excuse of a review, this could be the start of a beautiful chain reaction.
Credit goes to:
IG just posted this tidbit at his site.
RALPH BAER RESPONDS!
Wow! Yesterday just a few hours after posting the second half of the Magnavox Odyssey review, I received a nice email from the creator of the console Ralph Baer himself telling me that he watched the review. I want to personally thank Ralph for watching the show (even though he might not understand parts of it) and taking time out of his day to write me a letter. It's quite an honor for me!
A nice e-mail? That doesn't seem to correspond with "It's full of errors." Notice how he doesn't even mention what Baer liked or disliked just "He watched the video"
"He might not understand parts of it" no he perfectly understood it, he's not an idiot like you. Also he's 87 years old he has a lot of time on his hands.
IG probably saw his name in the inbox and didn't even read it thinking "He saw my video! He must have loved it!" and quickly made that post. What a fucking moron.
Plus if someone that worked on the item that you reviewed e-mails you, wouldn't it make sense to take a snapshot as proof so people don't think you're lying? Especially from The Father of Video Games? Like the crashed Hard Drive I'm calling bullshit.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tycho of Penny-Arcade will like to say a few words.
This comic was made two years ago, and with Chris Bores (and alexa****44**) it will always be relevant.
The rant on the second part will probably be done tomorrow.
I would like to give Special Thanks to Asalieri and his series “Reviewing the Reviewer” for pointing out many of Bores’ factual errors, expect another “Stuff I Forgot” thanks to him. I’d also like to thank ineptgamer1 for pointing out how Bores stole everything from the AVGN’s review, wow Bores I thought you haven’t watched him for two years? Fucking liar…
Part 1 was released on October 2nd 2009, almost 5 months after the first History of Video Games episode.
Intro: Do we have to hear this tedious 40 second intro in every “History of Video Games” video?
0:41 – 0:59: He begins the History “Lesson” with the info that Ralph Baer was working on The Odyssey at the same time as Nolan Bushnell was on Computer Space… even though Baer created the earliest prototypes back in 1966 and Computer Space was made in 1971. This is going to be a long review.
0:59 – 1:16: Bores continues the “lesson” noting Baer went to Magnavox and they liked it so much they immediately filed patents, except Baer invited multiple television companies including GE and RCA to his home in
By the way notice the title of the video mentions Ralph Baer yet he only talks about him for about 35 seconds, though that’s the standard for Bores and his movie reviews. But still he could at least mention that Baer was working with the military on top secret weapons while making The Odyssey on the side. Moving on…
1:30 – 1:34: “The Odyssey is very crude in design” I imagine Bores looking at a Ford Model T and saying “This car is crude in design, why doesn’t it look like a Ferrari?” Trust me that isn’t the only time he compares something to today’s standards, this is going to suck.
1:50 - 2:28: Bores starts ranting about the connection cable and how it doesn’t go into a TV
whining that connecting it to the TV is not possible without an “impossible-to-find switch.” Except The Odyssey uses a TV-Game Switch Overload, something commonly found in Atari systems. Well Bores isn’t a gamer and I doubt he has *looks at ET review* so in a nutshell this entire rant was about the Odyssey being old, did you expect 3-D Graphics and THX Sound as well?
2:23: For a phone book with the entire Galaxy’s phone numbers it’s much smaller then the listings in the
2:29 – 2:41: These 12 seconds contain one of the dumbest moments captured on video. Bores goes to Tatooine (rather he green-screened the scene from Star Wars where Uncle Owen meets the Jawas) and talks to a Jawa action figure (yes action figure) asking for the cable, even asking if they take American Express.
Like the writer of Superdickery dot com and this picture:
I could write an entire doctoral thesis on everything wrong with that scene.
One: Did you have to go the Family Guy route and insert another Star Wars reference? I’m serious almost every FG episode has a Star Wars reference for no reason, Bores does this as well.
Two: Why would a Jawa on Tatooine have a cable created on Earth? There’s Suspension of Disbelief, there’s Uwe Boll, and then there’s Chris Bores.
Three: You couldn’t get another actor to play the Jawa? We’ve seen two other guys in your videos, one of them dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi which could have been re-used for the Jawa. “Oh but they’re still too tall” and that stopped you from doing Cousin Joey?
Four: Speaking of Cousin Joey, you couldn’t play the Jawa yourself? You seem to love playing the different idiotic characters you think of, what stopped you from this one?
Five: Did you really have to resort to using an Action Figure? Hell if you couldn’t get someone to play a Jawa then why did you do that reference? There’s a ton of other merchants you could have used, like the one from RE4 (no I like that guy IG would just ruin him) or Aladdin (wait…)
Six: “Do you have American Express” is that the best joke you can think of? This whole thing reminded me of Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans, it wasn’t an actual joke it was just “Hey it’s a Star Wars character doing something it normally wouldn’t… LAUGH DAMN YOU”
Okay I’ll stop talking about the Jawa scene, but it’s not going to get any better from here.
2:50 – 3:09: IG points out the 6 different games the Odyssey comes with and says “all the games are built in the Odyssey, putting in a different card gives the system command codes for the game it wants” or something like that. So in laymen’s terms each card has a different game. That’s like saying “All the games are built into the Sega Genesis, each cart just provides different codes to make it work” it’s very stupid.
3:24 – 3:32: He begins reviewing Table Tennis and enters Captain Obvious mode by pointing out everything on screen with green circles. Really Chris that’s the line separating the table, I could have sworn that was the Equator.
3:58: “Even though this game is very simple to play, there are still some major downsides that can really cause a gamer to turn irate” Phelous do you have something to say?
4:04 – 4:11: “Waah there’s no point system and thus it sucks” Hey Chris, you know that area outside of your front door? That’s called “the Great Outdoors” and one thing that’s common is parks with basketball courts, now many of these courts don’t have scoreboards so by your logic they aren’t playing basketball.
Kill me now.
4:12 – 4:19: He starts talking about the glitches (gee, glitches in a game from 1972? What are the odds?) and one of them has ball moving “slowly to the other side of the screen.” How is this a glitch it’s supposed to go to the other side of the screen…
4:20 – 4:33: IG whines that pressing the reset button sometimes doesn’t bring the ball back and whines “What a piece of shit!” Because everyone knows games that are almost 40 years old will work perfectly 100% of the time.
4:34 – 4:49: IG starts bitching that the players can move anywhere they want and hates this… Sandbox games anyone? He also hates the lack of rules or point systems. Again you’re comparing this by today’s standards, back in the 70s this was awesome.
4:50 – 5:17: Bores sets up the plot (because all History Lessons have unrelated plotlines intertwined) introducing his second player, somehow he installed the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey into his system. Get it, it’s called the Odyssey and he used the villain from 2001: A Space Odyssey… as much as I hated the Nerdy Turd at least it was original. By the way Bores you couldn’t even get another person to do the voice? You really are pathetic.
Boring bits about the accessories that came with the Odyssey *yawns*
Criticizing the overlays calling them stupid… moving on.
6:18: After playing the Skiing game he bitches that it’s a waste of time, again comparing it by today’s standards. I’d like to see Bores live in the 50s and whine about the TVs and how they lack color or HD picture.
6:23 – 6:50: “Not only is this game terrible” *shakes head* “but it shows that Magnavox might have been trying to market the Odyssey as a board game rather then a video game” REALLY? Let’s ask this person in the year 1972 what his favorite video game is.
Sir, what is your favorite video game of all time?
What’s a video game?
I rest my case.
Then he starts comparing the overlay to Candyland because… he’s a manchild?
6:50: Starts reviewing the Simon Says game.
7:02 – 7:37: The following scene perfectly captures Bores audience. He plays the game going through the cards, after two he reads a card that says “penis” that’s right he’s doing this joke. After that he pulls out masturbation hand (it seems Chris strokes with his right) and vagina. You know the sad thing about this scene he had to make those cards. Plus a lot of his idiot fans thought this joke was genius… more on that later.
Though in a hateful way it’s funny how he ended on vagina, I guess Jennifer never showed him where it’s located.
7:39 – 7:58: Reviews the Hockey game, calls it terrible. What were you expecting fist fights? This isn’t Blades of Steel you moron.
7:59: Why did he skip to Card 3 but go back to Card 2? That’s right because the AVGN reviewed the games in this order.
8:00 – 8:19: Reviews Analogic, says it sucks, moving on.
8:21 – 8:41: Reviews the Cat & Mouse game, says it sucks, this video is horrible.
8:41 – 8:52: Reviews the Haunted House game, but says it’s worse then Cat & Mouse because it has rules and flashcards. Wait wait wait, didn’t he say earlier that the Table Tennis game sucked because it DIDN’T have rules?
8:53 – 9:16: Reviews the Submarine game, says it sucks because you can’t land shots. Even though a shot landed on him earlier… wha?
9:17: “What an assburger” You’re running out of food and curse word combinations already? Come on I had faith after Shit Taco with Cow Urine Dipping Sauce and Diarrhea Dickwaffles.
9:18 – 9:55: Reviews the Roulette game, the end of this one shows some evidence that Chris Bores really is legally retarded. After “spinning” again the ball lands on the 9 and whines that 9 isn’t on the table… though that 18 and 21 next to it sure look right-side up ohhh it’s a 6 not a 9. Bores tried to cover up his idiocy by saying that was the joke. No Chris, that’s not a joke that’s your pea-sized brain failing to comprehend simple math.
9:56 – 10:27: Reviews the States game, says it’s horrible and notes that it’s easier to point. Ironic that the AVGN said the exact same thing in his review right?
So he FINALLY ends the review saying Magnavox released more cards and next week he’s reviewing the Light Rifle accessory, even though he released this video October 2nd and it’s the 16th at the time of this writing, what else is different? Oh the Stinger has HAL say “Hello Dave” and stop... Part (y)2B is going to suck.
This is one of the worst videos I’ve ever seen. Horrible jokes, lame storyline (which shouldn’t be there by the way), and the constant fact he compared the games by modern standards something that shouldn’t be done. It’s like complaining that the early phonograph didn’t allow a shuffle option for your songs.
The worst part though? People are calling this his best review. They thought the Simon Says joke was brilliant (even though it’s been done to death) and that it was more informative then the AVGN’s review… where? Sure the Nerd’s review wasn’t that great but all Bores did that was different was talk about Ralph Baer, complain that the system was old, and whine that the games suck by today’s 3-D Graphics. In fact I have a greater appreciation for the Nerd’s review, at least he respected it and instead of beating a dead horse decided to have fun.
Damn this is my longest rant on one video, hopefully IG releases the next part soon. From the trailer it looks like we’ll get really bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions (if you’ve heard his Jerry Seinfeld impression you know it won’t end well).