Friday, October 16, 2009

Odyssey Part 1: This is gonna hurt.

It seems I was wrong in August when I said IG’s “History of Video Games” series ended after one episode, on September 29th he released a trailer for Episode 2 with the 2001 Theme, the Devil Bores, and a poorly shopped title card. Because Bores is a lazy twat he’s reviewing the Magnavox Odyssey in two parts, but since I can’t wait any longer for more stupidity here’s the first part.

I would like to give Special Thanks to Asalieri and his series “Reviewing the Reviewer” for pointing out many of Bores’ factual errors, expect another “Stuff I Forgot” thanks to him. I’d also like to thank ineptgamer1 for pointing out how Bores stole everything from the AVGN’s review, wow Bores I thought you haven’t watched him for two years? Fucking liar…


Part 1 was released on October 2nd 2009, almost 5 months after the first History of Video Games episode.


Intro: Do we have to hear this tedious 40 second intro in every “History of Video Games” video?


0:41 – 0:59: He begins the History “Lesson” with the info that Ralph Baer was working on The Odyssey at the same time as Nolan Bushnell was on Computer Space… even though Baer created the earliest prototypes back in 1966 and Computer Space was made in 1971. This is going to be a long review.


0:59 – 1:16: Bores continues the “lesson” noting Baer went to Magnavox and they liked it so much they immediately filed patents, except Baer invited multiple television companies including GE and RCA to his home in New Hampshire. It also took two years for one of these companies to call back. Reading the bridge notes of Wikipedia will not make your videos any better Bores.


By the way notice the title of the video mentions Ralph Baer yet he only talks about him for about 35 seconds, though that’s the standard for Bores and his movie reviews. But still he could at least mention that Baer was working with the military on top secret weapons while making The Odyssey on the side. Moving on…


1:30 – 1:34: “The Odyssey is very crude in design” I imagine Bores looking at a Ford Model T and saying “This car is crude in design, why doesn’t it look like a Ferrari?” Trust me that isn’t the only time he compares something to today’s standards, this is going to suck.


1:50 - 2:28: Bores starts ranting about the connection cable and how it doesn’t go into a TV

whining that connecting it to the TV is not possible without an “impossible-to-find switch.” Except The Odyssey uses a TV-Game Switch Overload, something commonly found in Atari systems. Well Bores isn’t a gamer and I doubt he has *looks at ET review* so in a nutshell this entire rant was about the Odyssey being old, did you expect 3-D Graphics and THX Sound as well?


2:23: For a phone book with the entire Galaxy’s phone numbers it’s much smaller then the listings in the Chicago area.


2:29 – 2:41: These 12 seconds contain one of the dumbest moments captured on video. Bores goes to Tatooine (rather he green-screened the scene from Star Wars where Uncle Owen meets the Jawas) and talks to a Jawa action figure (yes action figure) asking for the cable, even asking if they take American Express.


Like the writer of Superdickery dot com and this picture:



I could write an entire doctoral thesis on everything wrong with that scene.


One: Did you have to go the Family Guy route and insert another Star Wars reference? I’m serious almost every FG episode has a Star Wars reference for no reason, Bores does this as well.

Two: Why would a Jawa on Tatooine have a cable created on Earth? There’s Suspension of Disbelief, there’s Uwe Boll, and then there’s Chris Bores.

Three: You couldn’t get another actor to play the Jawa? We’ve seen two other guys in your videos, one of them dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi which could have been re-used for the Jawa. “Oh but they’re still too tall” and that stopped you from doing Cousin Joey?

Four: Speaking of Cousin Joey, you couldn’t play the Jawa yourself? You seem to love playing the different idiotic characters you think of, what stopped you from this one?

Five: Did you really have to resort to using an Action Figure? Hell if you couldn’t get someone to play a Jawa then why did you do that reference? There’s a ton of other merchants you could have used, like the one from RE4 (no I like that guy IG would just ruin him) or Aladdin (wait…)

Six: “Do you have American Express” is that the best joke you can think of? This whole thing reminded me of Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans, it wasn’t an actual joke it was just “Hey it’s a Star Wars character doing something it normally wouldn’t… LAUGH DAMN YOU”


Okay I’ll stop talking about the Jawa scene, but it’s not going to get any better from here.


2:50 – 3:09: IG points out the 6 different games the Odyssey comes with and says “all the games are built in the Odyssey, putting in a different card gives the system command codes for the game it wants” or something like that. So in laymen’s terms each card has a different game. That’s like saying “All the games are built into the Sega Genesis, each cart just provides different codes to make it work” it’s very stupid.


3:24 – 3:32: He begins reviewing Table Tennis and enters Captain Obvious mode by pointing out everything on screen with green circles. Really Chris that’s the line separating the table, I could have sworn that was the Equator.


3:58: “Even though this game is very simple to play, there are still some major downsides that can really cause a gamer to turn irate” Phelous do you have something to say?


4:04 – 4:11: “Waah there’s no point system and thus it sucks” Hey Chris, you know that area outside of your front door? That’s called “the Great Outdoors” and one thing that’s common is parks with basketball courts, now many of these courts don’t have scoreboards so by your logic they aren’t playing basketball.

Kill me now.


4:12 – 4:19: He starts talking about the glitches (gee, glitches in a game from 1972? What are the odds?) and one of them has ball moving “slowly to the other side of the screen.” How is this a glitch it’s supposed to go to the other side of the screen…


4:20 – 4:33: IG whines that pressing the reset button sometimes doesn’t bring the ball back and whines “What a piece of shit!” Because everyone knows games that are almost 40 years old will work perfectly 100% of the time.


4:34 – 4:49: IG starts bitching that the players can move anywhere they want and hates this… Sandbox games anyone? He also hates the lack of rules or point systems. Again you’re comparing this by today’s standards, back in the 70s this was awesome.


4:50 – 5:17: Bores sets up the plot (because all History Lessons have unrelated plotlines intertwined) introducing his second player, somehow he installed the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey into his system. Get it, it’s called the Odyssey and he used the villain from 2001: A Space Odyssey… as much as I hated the Nerdy Turd at least it was original. By the way Bores you couldn’t even get another person to do the voice? You really are pathetic.


Boring bits about the accessories that came with the Odyssey *yawns*


Criticizing the overlays calling them stupid… moving on.


6:18: After playing the Skiing game he bitches that it’s a waste of time, again comparing it by today’s standards. I’d like to see Bores live in the 50s and whine about the TVs and how they lack color or HD picture.


6:23 – 6:50: “Not only is this game terrible” *shakes head* “but it shows that Magnavox might have been trying to market the Odyssey as a board game rather then a video game” REALLY? Let’s ask this person in the year 1972 what his favorite video game is.

Sir, what is your favorite video game of all time?

What’s a video game?

I rest my case.


Then he starts comparing the overlay to Candyland because… he’s a manchild?


6:50: Starts reviewing the Simon Says game.


7:02 – 7:37: The following scene perfectly captures Bores audience. He plays the game going through the cards, after two he reads a card that says “penis” that’s right he’s doing this joke. After that he pulls out masturbation hand (it seems Chris strokes with his right) and vagina. You know the sad thing about this scene he had to make those cards. Plus a lot of his idiot fans thought this joke was genius… more on that later.


Though in a hateful way it’s funny how he ended on vagina, I guess Jennifer never showed him where it’s located.


7:39 – 7:58: Reviews the Hockey game, calls it terrible. What were you expecting fist fights? This isn’t Blades of Steel you moron.


7:59: Why did he skip to Card 3 but go back to Card 2? That’s right because the AVGN reviewed the games in this order.


8:00 – 8:19: Reviews Analogic, says it sucks, moving on.


8:21 – 8:41: Reviews the Cat & Mouse game, says it sucks, this video is horrible.


8:41 – 8:52: Reviews the Haunted House game, but says it’s worse then Cat & Mouse because it has rules and flashcards. Wait wait wait, didn’t he say earlier that the Table Tennis game sucked because it DIDN’T have rules?

Campbell: YOU’VE CREATED A TIME PARADOX!


8:53 – 9:16: Reviews the Submarine game, says it sucks because you can’t land shots. Even though a shot landed on him earlier… wha?


9:17: “What an assburger” You’re running out of food and curse word combinations already? Come on I had faith after Shit Taco with Cow Urine Dipping Sauce and Diarrhea Dickwaffles.


9:18 – 9:55: Reviews the Roulette game, the end of this one shows some evidence that Chris Bores really is legally retarded. After “spinning” again the ball lands on the 9 and whines that 9 isn’t on the table… though that 18 and 21 next to it sure look right-side up ohhh it’s a 6 not a 9. Bores tried to cover up his idiocy by saying that was the joke. No Chris, that’s not a joke that’s your pea-sized brain failing to comprehend simple math.


9:56 – 10:27: Reviews the States game, says it’s horrible and notes that it’s easier to point. Ironic that the AVGN said the exact same thing in his review right?

So he FINALLY ends the review saying Magnavox released more cards and next week he’s reviewing the Light Rifle accessory, even though he released this video October 2nd and it’s the 16th at the time of this writing, what else is different? Oh the Stinger has HAL say “Hello Dave” and stop... Part (y)2B is going to suck.


This is one of the worst videos I’ve ever seen. Horrible jokes, lame storyline (which shouldn’t be there by the way), and the constant fact he compared the games by modern standards something that shouldn’t be done. It’s like complaining that the early phonograph didn’t allow a shuffle option for your songs.


The worst part though? People are calling this his best review. They thought the Simon Says joke was brilliant (even though it’s been done to death) and that it was more informative then the AVGN’s review… where? Sure the Nerd’s review wasn’t that great but all Bores did that was different was talk about Ralph Baer, complain that the system was old, and whine that the games suck by today’s 3-D Graphics. In fact I have a greater appreciation for the Nerd’s review, at least he respected it and instead of beating a dead horse decided to have fun.


Damn this is my longest rant on one video, hopefully IG releases the next part soon. From the trailer it looks like we’ll get really bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions (if you’ve heard his Jerry Seinfeld impression you know it won’t end well).

14 comments:

  1. What really burns me is that in the beginning Bores acted like these videos were going to be an overall history of video game consoles. But then he turns around in part two and just covers the Odyssey. Way to be consistent, Bores.

    Why not break the review into different eras of gaming, from the 70's to the 80's? Or by generations? But no, he does it his way.

    And there are so many other systems that the IG could cover. The Coleco Telestar, the Intellivision, Colecovision, the Atari 2600, the Famicom, hell, even home computers like the Amiga, the MSX, the Commodore 64, the Atari ST, the ZX Spectrum, etc. But what does he chose to cover? The same damn thing as the Nerd does. Nor does he even bother to change the basic design of the review.

    Anyone who thinks the Irate Gamer isn't a rip-off must have their head shoved so far up their ass that not even the world's biggest fart could blast it out.

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  2. Actually I think he was going for the stupidly slow format right from the start. The first episode only covered two games and one of the comments asked when the SNES was getting a video he replied "Around Part 30."

    Of course doing the history by reviewing each and every console is astronomically idiotic. PlayValue and G4's Icons did it so much better covering individual subjects, it also helped they interviewed the people involved.

    Hell everything pre-dating Atari should have been one video, but logic is too much for the Irate Shithead.

    It's not just IG being a rip-off, but people can't see he's a terrible unfunny actor that doesn't know an NES from an Xbox 360. In fact his "real fans" are 11 year old fucktards that never touched an NES.

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  3. Part 30?!

    Oh, great. So considering how quickly he does things, he should get around to that segment sometime in 2043.

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  4. Man, I've been waiting days to read this and most of it was just recycled from Reviewing the Reviewer :C

    Can't wait to read your comments on the Lighgun review (It was just posted btw)

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  5. Thanks for the info dude.
    That review was god awful. The bit with the devil was pointless, and was that part with the airplane game a reference to something?

    He also said Pong was released before the Odyssey, even though Atari was founded June 1972 one month after the Odyssey's release.

    I'll watch it again when my head is a little clearer.

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  6. I'll admit, the Lightgun review was short and inoffensive but why the fuck does he need to do a whole review on PONG?

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  7. I watched his Light Gun Review, it was boring and inofensive, but those are not Nazi planes he is shooting down. There are Biplanes, I guess he doesn't have the manual, also what were those basketball games, and what happened to the American Football game in the Odessey, oh wait the ebayer didn't have it.

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  8. Hold on a second, didn't the AVGN make a reference to Candyland in one of his early videos... particularly one involving a Bible Buffet that has nothing to do with the Bible?

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  9. If I were to pick out one thing the IrateHack does that's original, it would be how consistent he is at failing, and taking failure to the next level. It would also be that he provides his critics with a warehouse of material by which to satirize him (and the parodies are just hilarious)...as if Chris Bores is indeed the primary representative of all the hypocrisy that excretes itself from the oraphises of society.

    Although the quality of a game is based all on individual opinion, a game usually sucks because gameplay sucks, the audio is irritating, the game's just utterly boring, if it's a Virtual Boy game, or some other meaningful indication that a game indeed has a suckable quality about it. However, using Chris Bores "logic", a game can suck if he doesn't have enough content from Wikipedia on it, if he can't review it because he can't find the rom for it (erm I mean find it sitting in his 'occult' shelf), if the Nerd hasn't done a review of it before, if the game is too hard (which for Bores is any game that doesn't have an ARMax, Game Genie, Game Shark, etc cheat), if the game can't provide him with a reason to put swear words together as to distinguish himself from the Nerd, or because the game is from the 70s or 80s and its console isn't designed for 3D graphics. These are not the things even a casual gamer would likely use to classify a game as sucking. Some of the Megaman games were particularly difficult for me and so were some of the Castlevania games, but they were fun and to me they don't suck. Even if they did suck, it wouldn't be based on how difficult they were unless the controls were just terrible. If the game's too freaking easy, it isn't usually that memorable.

    If I play a game, I want the game to beat the shit out of me and then be proud of finally being able to learn enough about it to get to the end and eventually win. Bores just wants to play an easy game that's easy to review and will appeal to the easily-impressed, which is why he'll skip levels to do a review, because he isn't any kind of gamer, reviewer, or fair-player. He turns off comments and ratings and hides his subscriptions and subscribers lists obviously to protect himself from being questioned about the sock accounts subscribed to him. He reviews his own ghost hunts on Amazon without even having half a mind to have an account that doesn't say something about "Y2B2006" and isn't called "Chris" - I mean, he exposed himself so easily because most people can put two and two together. He obviously cannot take any kind of criticism. He seeks popularity on teh inturwebz, and I really think that's his only motive. He must not care if someone in real life comes up to him and points and laughs at him for being such a damned hack.

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  10. @ineptgamer1
    Considering the rate at which he "produces" his videos, 2043 is way, way, WAY TOO EARLY. I'd say 2143 is more likely.

    @damien
    Yep. In the original Bible Games episode from 2006, AVGN noted that the Bible Buffet game reminded him of Candyland due to the map layout and theme, I don't see the reasoning for IG to bring it up in regards to the skiing game, because I simply don't see it. Then again, I've never played Candyland.

    @Anonymous Oct-17-2009 1:11 AM
    So you want the game to give you a beating? I have a couple possessed NES cartridges I'd be willing to send you so that they can give you a bloody nose and...

    Oh wait, you mean you wanted the game to be difficult and not actually beat you up physically? Oh... um, in that case, never mind. I'll just send them to IG so he can pop them in his Oh-Cult Shelf or something.

    Crap, that was stupid.

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  11. "Duh-huh-huh, he put dirty stuff in a children's game! He funnie!"

    Geez, that joke stopped being funny in, oh, the Mississippian Era!

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  12. Oh boy does irate fail at every level possible. but i always ask this question, "whose more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows?" in this case, its irate gamers stupid ignorant fanboys, they cant find any legitimate evidence to defend him to the point where they make crap up, dont belive me? check this out!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PH1rPJfPMBQ
    This video proves that irates fans are idiots.

    Hell, whenever one of the irate hacks fans come on camera it turns out his fans are kids!

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  13. @Anon (February 22nd 1:43 PM)
    What makes that video even worse is that the Nostalgia Critic's Double Dragon review came out BEFORE IG's Monster Party review.

    Also NC's joke actually made sense, compared to "Dur hur I'll just add the bus because I'm a comedic genius durp"

    You're right though, anytime a person appears on camera to defend IG it's always a kid. Kids that were born after the 8-Bit Era.

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  14. @BatDan
    And what makes me sad, is that these kids make people my age look bad, im 16 and i LOVE retro games, actually more than the newer ones, sigh, o well as long as there are more real gamers than irate gamers fans i guess were good

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