Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dante's Inferno: Chris Bores in The Retarded Comedy

Oh wow, The Bores is on a roll this month. A new “Neo” review at GottGame is up, this time for Dante’s Inferno. That’s a strange choice isn’t it?

First let’s look at the trailer for it.
We see Bores on camera (obviously not in character yet he still calls himself The Irate Gamer. What the hell?) telling us to go to GottGame. He’s shaking all over the place (ADHD?) and he keeps going “uhhhh”. Seriously, he has no presence in front of the camera. I can imagine him doing stand-up and choking so bad.
After some footage, we cut back to Bores telling us Part 3 of History of Video Games is coming up (I’m overjoyed with … nothing) and that putting it together has been a nightmare *cough*bullshit*cough*. He also mentions the first draft of the script is almost done.
You know, I should be used to Bores lying about how long his videos take, and yet I’m not. It still annoys me that he brags that his poorly-made videos take a long time with “tons of effort.” *sighs* Let’s just get to the actual review.

I haven’t played Dante’s Inferno and I have no interest in playing it, so I’ll have to ask my fans if there are any idiotic errors.

Intro: I guess he’s abandoned the theme song.

0:05 - 0:09: “Today we’re reviewing Dante’s Inferno” I still don’t get why he does this. He holds up the game while talking over a clip of himself. Is he trying to be like Still Gaming? Well he has stolen from countless other reviewers so it wouldn’t surprise me that Lee of Still Gaming was next.

0:10 - 0:18: This is all we’re going to get about the story, no mention that it’s loosely based off The Divine Comedy.

0:18 - 0:28: Says the controls are smooth and it’s entertaining. Why? He doesn’t tell us. Why did GottGame hire this dickhead? So they can get views to their shitty website. Kwing must be ashamed to be associated with Bores.

0:29: “If you read the book in the past” *holds back laughter* Sorry, the idea of Bores reading is hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

0:30 - 1:15: See the time listed? All spent gushing about the visuals and presentation. Did I mention Bores is a huge graphics whore?

1:15 - 1:30: He mentions that you fight a bunch of different enemies (God this is boring) ranging from small ones to really big ones. Cut to a giant demon roaring at Dante with Bores “quipping” “Yikes, back off there BUD-dy!” Ugggh stop talking to the game like it can hear you! It wasn’t funny when you did it in Resident Evil 5, and it’s not funny here!

1:31 - 1:40: “There are even puzzles! However they take some thought derp.” They look like the same puzzles from God of War, and those were easy.

1:41 - 2:02: Here we go, time for the nitpicky bullshit.
“Some of the levels were too short, and there wasn’t a lot of fighting.” Wait wait wait, are you giving actual problems with the game? Something’s not right…

2:03 - 2:23: Now he’s complaining about the story, that things were left out, and he had to watch the cartoon to get everything. Who cares about the story?

2:23 - 2:29: “Parents, this game does contain nudity so this game is not intended for kids” *smashes head against wall* Gee, what gave you that idea? The fucking M Rating on the front?
I’m sure parents go to YOU to see if a game is appropriate for their kids. It’s not like there exists websites devoted to telling you if a game is safe for kids or not OH WAIT THERE IS!
And what makes you think adults are watching and enjoying your bullshit? *sighs* Let’s just finish this.

The review ends with Bores saying that the game is an accurate retelling of the book (no it’s not!) and that it’s another Irate Pick (Again, adding Irate to something doesn’t make it special). But we have one more stupid joke to play us out, “Coming next time on the IG Neo show, another classic book turned into a game. The Grapes of Wrath!” combined with a hand-drawn picture of grapes flooding a city. Why? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WH- *gets slapped*

Sorry about that. Overall this was a boring review with very little parody material in it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go prepare myself for the next Redux Recap. His heinous Super Mario Bros. 2 review.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Redux Recap: Ohio Boring Man and the Cliche Plot Device

Welcome to another Redux Recap. Before I get into his heinous Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom review, I’ll briefly talk about the “Hotel Gaming” video.

A 58 second clip with Bores in a hotel room, saying that he was going to play his Game Boy (more of that “look guys I’m a real gamer dur hur” crap) but notices the TV has video games on it. However he “gets pissed” when he learns he has to pay to play, thus ending a video that didn’t need to happen.

So what have learned? Hotels charge for things. What was the point of this video?

Alright, enough stalling. On to his review of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

0:10 - 1:10
The video starts out in “South America” (a South American jungle that lacks bugs, animals, and has a giant road in the middle) with Bores walking through it. Take note of his light-blue t-shirt and jeans.
He arrives at a stock jungle on a green-screen, and walks into his garage. Rather his garage made to look like a temple, and I can tell he worked hard on this. His DVD showed him moving 4 boxes to get this just right!
He sees the game, and as he prepares to grab you’ll notice he’s wearing a gray t-shirt with blue sleeves. How did he change so quickly?
Then he just grabs the game off the pillow, apparently he forgot that you have to put something of equal weight onto it so the trap doesn’t activate. Being a complete dumbass, he activates the “stock explosion” trap, somehow sending him from South America into his room in Ohio. Now his jeans have been replaced by shorts.

This one minute shows how much Bores doesn’t give a crap. He’s wearing two completely different outfits, he messes up one of the basic clichés from Indiana Jones, and when the explosion sends him flying his landing isn’t even convincing. He just goes “aaaaaaah” in a dull voice and sits down in his chair. God what a moronic opening.
By the way, this is the only Indiana Jones related thing in this entire video. Other then the actual game.

1:10 - 1:25: So IG starts reviewing the game, saying that it could have had a lot of promise but ended up being another crappy game added to the pile. To make sure we know what a pile is, we cut to a small pile of NES games with ToD being thrown onto it. It wouldn’t surprise me if this bit somehow took 20 takes, he seems to absolutely suck at throwing things.

1:25 - 1:34: “In fact, this game is so bad it just sort of hangs out there like a rotted testicle.” Uhhh what? Last I checked your testicles are in your pants, unless you’re a nudist then that analogy doesn’t make sense.
“Temple of Doom? More like Temple of DUNG!” Oh God what a bad joke. This is something only a little kid would laugh at, and for a series about 80s games filled with foul language, it really makes me wonder who these videos are made for.

1:34 - 1:50: “You play the game as Indiana Jones” Really? I thought I’d be playing as The Terminator!
“They don’t give you any objectives and just throw you in there.” Hey dumbass, did you bother to read the text before the level started? “Touch Prize to Collect, Touch Kid to See Prize” You have to save the kids and get the weapons and keys. I don’t think that needs to be overly-explained to anyone.

1:50 - 2:22: So he starts talking about the weapons and wonders how to activate them. He notes that none of the buttons activate your weapon, but mentions the Select button activates your inventory screen. That’s not true, the Start button activates your inventory screen. You’ll see why this was such an idiotic error.

2:23 - 2:42: Then he starts talking about the Legend of Zelda and how it’s easier to switch out weapons in that game, and that it’s so easy “even a M.C. Kid could do it.” … I don’t get it. I understand referencing Zelda since ToD’s way of switching weapons is broken, but where does M.C. Kids fall into this? Is this just more “wacky humor”?

2:43 - 3:04: IG finally explains that to change your weapons, you have to press Select and the D-Pad. Wait, I thought Select brought up your inventory screen? How can it do both of those things? It can’t! You fail!
Oh, and somehow he confuses the B button with choosing your weapon. Claiming that if you don’t do it right you’ll jump in the lava, even though B is the jump button.

3:04 - 3:23: “It makes about as much sense as taking a shit in a dishwasher.” Want to know why this line isn’t funny? He delivers it in the most boring, forced tone possible. Then he starts complaining that your hat doesn’t burn up if you fall in lava, prompting me to ask “Who gives a shit?” Oh, and he stops talking about it because he doesn’t care either way. Then why did you bring it up?

3:24 - 3:30: We cut to him saying that we’ll get vertigo from the game’s navigation and controls. Do you even know what vertigo is?

3:31 - 3:55: Blah blah mine carts, blah blah looping blah blah zzzz. Oh, and all the levels loop not just some of them.

3:55 - 4:03: Here Bores mentions that the game is similar to backgrounds from The Flintstones cartoons and how everything loops over and over. Except we’re living this nightmare and we can’t “ex-cape” it.
I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate here because people accuse Bores of stealing this joke from the AVGN‘s Wally Bear and the No! Gang review. This isn’t true, people constantly make fun of The Flintstones’ looping backgrounds. Watch The Simpsons episode “The Front”, there’s a scene with Bart and Lisa talking to Itchy & Scratchy Executive Producer Roger Meyers, asking if the animation takes a long time. He mentions that they cut corners by looping the same backgrounds, and as they’re saying this you can see the same water cooler and maid in the background.

So this is just another example of over-exaggerated accusations, however there’s one bit at the end that’s way too familiar. Moving on now.

4:04 - 4:12: We cut to Bores again, and now he’s wearing jeans. Goes to show how much he doesn’t care about continuity.
He whines about the levels looping and that it’s stupid, prompting another pointless gag where he throws a game and it comes out the other side. What’s the point?

4:13 - 4:48: Bores explains the objective is find keys to open a door. Somehow this pisses him off because the game was labeled as an adventure game not a puzzle game. Wait what? Then for no reason he references Adventures of Lolo. How did we get here? Does Bores have any idea what he’s doing? Why are we talking about Lolo now?

By his logic Little Nemo sucks because you collect keys in that game.

4:49 - 5:25: IG says that he’s had enough and this game sucks. Wait, what game? You were just talking about Adventures of Lolo so does that game suck? Structure your scripts!
Want proof we’re in Hell? Bores does the extremely cliché “Good Angel Bad Devil” bullcrap that everyone is tired of seeing. The angel convinces him to keep playing the game, and Bores tells them to get off his arms. They’re not on your arms! They’re floating in mid-air!
I like how in the description he bragged about how long this took. He “literally” put his blood, sweat, and tears into it. So you cut yourself for blood, exhausted yourself for sweat, and made yourself cry for tears? Do you even know what “literally” means?

Seriously, I’m tired of him bragging about how long his effects takes. People tell me the stuff he does is simple, they don’t understand why he’s making it seem like rocket science.

5:25 - 5:33: He tells us if we shell out money for this game, we might as well bend over and get anally raped. That’s rather graphic isn’t it? I checked and people sell the game for less then $10 dollars, that doesn’t seem like a lot of money.

5:33 - 5:41: IG mentions the controls are terrible (wait for it) and if you press the wrong button you’ll fall and die. That would mean you’ll have to press the RIGHT button, because pressing the wrong button would be stupid. It’s almost done it’s almost done.

5:41 - 6:17: Bores starts ranting about spiders and how they’re annoying. He claims the first time you see them you’ll think they’re a glitch (are you that dense?) and they can kill you easily.
“How is Indiana Jones such a pushover to spiders? I can understand if this game was called ‘Rick Moranis and the Temple of Doom’ but Harrison Ford? Come on!”
This part confuses me. How did you relate spiders to Rick Moranis? Name some famous movies he was in, Ghostbusters, Spaceballs, Little Shop of Horrors, but nothing to do with spiders. Did he just use Rick Moranis because he portrays a wimpy guy?
Also, if you were talking about Indiana Jones then why did you use the actors name? I guess I’m nitpicking here so let’s just finish up.

6:18 - 6:35: Thanks to Game Genie, Bores skips to the last level and beats the game. However he’s pissed off that the ending just says “You Win!” You know, most NES games end like this. You really need to stop bitching that you don’t get something spectacular, because back then video games weren’t like movies!

Don’t forget that this was based off the Arcade Game, where points mattered more then story. By the way, I love how he has 10 lives at the end of the game even though he kept dying. Game Genie works wonders doesn’t it?

So the review ends with Bores bitching that it’s the worst ending ever and the angel and devil telling him to destroy it (what’s with the shoulder devil’s arms?) He takes the game out (while you see his true love in the TV’s reflection), puts it in the microwave, uses the same stock explosion effect, and does the Mortal Kombat “Toasty!”

Couple of notes with that last shot. People accuse Bores of stealing that from the AVGN’s MC Kids review, and I can see what they mean. In MC Kids, The Nerd was trapped and the only choice was to kill himself in lava, prompting the toasty. This was the last shot of the video. Bores puts the game in the microwave, uses a fake explosion, and brings out the toasty. This was also the last shot of the video.
So Bores uses the exact same joke at the exact same time, I can see how that’s plagiarism.

The other thing worth mentioning is that in the comments, Bores claimed it took him an hour to get his face just right, and even more time listening to the Toasty clip to make sure his voice sounded exactly like it. You know, time wasted on something that could have gone towards writing.

This review sucks. He kept jumping to different things, he only made one Indiana Jones reference with that poorly-made intro, and overall it looks like he just didn’t care. And he still doesn’t care to this day.

It’s worth noting that a year after IG’s video, the Angry Video Game Nerd reviewed it as well. However, The Nerd’s review was much different.
He released it to coincide with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’s release, he reviewed two other games along with it (Raiders of the Lost Ark on the Atari 2600 and the Ubisoft version of The Last Crusade on the NES), and James’ review was better overall. Not to mention he “destroyed” it by ripping out its heart JUST LIKE THE MOVIE!

Even with all that evidence, people still accuse the AVGN of ripping off Bores. Even to the point where they say James rips off seanbaby. Funny how people say that when Armake21 noted that Bores steals from I-Mockery, Seanbaby, and anyone else reviewing bad NES games before YouTube became popular.

Next Redux Recap: The video that got him popular, and established him as a fucking moron. Until next time.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Redux Recap: There's a shar- zzzzzzz

Welcome to another Redux Recap *takes a shot of coffee* Ahhh I’m going to need this.
Today’s review is a really boring one, the Irate Gamer looks at Jaws on the NES.

Since it’s an LJN game, it’s expected to be a piece of crap. I played the game and unsurprisingly it sucks. It’s boring, it’s slow, the music drones, and the hit detection is broken. Though to be fair, it’s a lot more playable than other LJN games, it’s better then Alien 3 and Friday the 13th. But that doesn’t excuse it from being another notch in why licensed games suck.

Intro: This is the first episode where he used some kind of intro card, it’s just his logo with a drum beat set to it. Nothing much to say about this one.

0:09 - 0:35: The video begins with Bores sitting at the beach reading a Nintendo Power. Look guys, I’m a real gamer! I even read Nintendo Power outside! Every gamer does that right? You’re not fooling anyone Chris.
He then hears something, followed by a woman screaming prompting him to run away. Ahh it must be a Land Shark, sharks that adapted to walking on land to get their prey.

We then zoom in on the cartridge in the sand (that’s right, damage the cartridge some more) and exclaims “That’s right, it’s Jawls!” We have come across another problem with his videos, his inability to pronounce words ending with “-aw”. You’ll see this often and he rarely gets it right.

0:36 - 0:53: “This great white shark ruled the oceans in the early 80s” Early 80s? The only Jaws movie out then was Jaws 3-D, and that one sucked ass. Jaws was only popular in the 70s, you know when the first movie came out? Also, this game is based off Jaws: The Revenge, the fourth movie. Indicated by the year it came out!
“He has attitude, and the ability to sink boats and dozens of people.” Attitude? Did you watch that Robot Chicken sketch about the Special Edition DVD and think that was accurate to the movie?
“This game should be placed at the bottom of a turd mountain! *puts a giant stock crap picture over the cartridge*” That was completely necessary, thank you very much.

0:54 - 1:09: He starts playing the game, saying we aren’t told what our objective is but from the title it’s obvious. Nothing too worrying so far.
Then he claims it’s time to batten the hatches and full steam ahead, cutting to him talking to an action figure of Captain McAllister from The Simpsons, that was incredibly stupid. Again, what’s the point? Why would talk to an action figure of a Simpsons character? You couldn’t get the sea captain from Family Guy? After all this show has the exact same style of jokes, cutting to something random and never referencing it again.

1:10 - 1:40: He starts moving and hits a random encounter. He goes down and starts complaining that he didn’t hit anything, only seeing jellyfish and sting rays. Last I checked, jellyfish and sting rays counted as living fish, not nothing. Was Steve Irwin killed by a deadly nothing?
Why does this remind me of the scene in Good Burger, where a man asks for a burger with nothing on it and is only given a bun. Upon this, Ed asks the fry cook if a meat patty is something or nothing.

So yeah, Bores doesn’t understand the concept of random encounters. It’s pretty clear you hit the fish, not “nothing.” Oh, and to emphasize what a “dick” this game is, we cut to him flipping off his NES. I’m sure that was worth wasting a tape.
He also whines that we can’t get out of this and that we’re a prisoner. You could just try killing enemies to get shells and stars?

1:40 - 2:08: He mentions that getting hit once kills you and then moves on. What, no whiny complaining about this game being too hard?

IG says the first thing to do is dock at a marina (which he green circles) but they’ll only let you in if you have enough conch shells.
“Is this supposed to be a marina, or a hooker?” Was that supposed to be a joke? Because that wasn’t funny, and it didn’t make any sense.

2:09 - 2:30: So we watch IG be boring along with the game, and he comments that it’s just as boring as fishing.

*takes another shot of coffee*

2:31 - 3:07: Oh, that last line was meant to be a transition. We cut to Bores saying he’s not talking about regular fishing, but rather The Black Bass on the NES. For some reason he starts reviewing it, calling it a piece of shit and that it doesn’t work. I’ve heard this was the best fishing game on the NES, why is he bashing it? Oh, because to Chris Bores all games are terrible.

Why are you reviewing this? This is about Jaws, not Black Bass. Is your ADD really that bad?
Oh, and he wonders who the market for these “shitty games” are. People that like fishing? Then he yells at us to go do some real fishing *sighs* I hate people that say this, I really do.

3:08 - 3:33: We get back to the game he’s supposed to be reviewing and says that giving 5 shells to the marina gives you a receiver to “find Jawls”. This baffles him since Jaws appears regularly and doesn’t understand why it’s needed. It’s not used to find him, it’s used to alert you of his presence. How you couldn’t see that is what baffles me.

3:34 - 3:55: Now IG starts whining that you don’t get “da option” of choosing to dive down and that we’re this game’s bitch. *sighs* Wow, it’s kind of like an RPG. You know, you walk around a field and get randomly attacked. You don’t get a choice that says “would you like to fight these imps?” because that would be fucking stupid.

3:56 - 4:13: He compares this to Silent Service “which I think is best submarine game out there.” Compared to what? He notes that you get the option of choosing to fight or not, and it would improve “Jawls”. Funny how he calls this a good game, I’ve heard the NES version of Silent Service is a butchered port. Continuing to prove that Bores has no idea what he’s talking about.

4:14 - 4:32: So IG goes to fight the shark, and starts complaining that his sprite is pathetic and he should look like menacing, using the sprite from the “Start-Up Screen”. You expected them to put effort into this game? It’s LJN, they don’t care.

*takes another shot of coffee*

4:33 - 5:13: Bores continues to fight the shark and notes that a smaller shark shows up, claiming to be much faster. Actually they move at the same speed.
By the way, you’ll notice the scuba diver doesn’t die when he’s hit by the shark. That’s right, Bores once again cheated. I love the idiots that still think he’s a legit gamer.

He kills the mini-shark and is interrupted by a bonus game, whining that he was having his final battle with “Jawls”. I should mention that the mini-shark shows up at any time, even when you’re not fighting Jaws. So this complaint is entirely pointless.

5:14 - 5:43: So he finally drains Jaws’ power meter and enters the first person “kill the shark” section. He mentions that you have to time it or you start over (for some reason he doesn’t “force rage” for this). He successfully kills Jaws, then recycles the kill shot saying “This is for Jawls 2, and Jawls 3, and Superman IV! Whoops, got carried away there.” That’s not funny.

5:43 - 5:53: After killing Jaws, Bores has time one more stupid joke. “The ocean is safe, until an Exxon tanker shows up” combined with a picture of a tanker crashing into the wall. Get it? It’s funny because it happened in an ocean! Laugh and buy my DVD!

The video ends with Bores saying the game is shit, and that he’s going to go outside and bury it (I’ll repeat that, bury it). He goes into the woods in his backyard and throws the cartridge. Wait, so throwing it into trees is the same thing as burying it?

Oh, but we’re not done yet. He hears a noise and sees the Duck Hunt Dog laughing, prompting him to take out his zapper and kill the dog. What’s the point of this? How did we go from Jaws to Duck Hunt?
Then he has the need to over-explain the joke by saying he always hated that dog and ending on a card that says “Dedicated to the Duck Hunt fans that wanted to kill that damn dog!” Only his 11 year old fan base would need the joke explained to them.

This review was just boring. His anger was extremely forced, the reviewing parts put me to sleep, and he kept jumping to completely different things. It’s no wonder fans of Family Guy love this show, it holds their attention spans long enough to laugh at some stupid reference.

*Takes one more shot of coffee* Next Redux Recap, a Temple of Doom with cliché shoulder angels. Until next time.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Redux Recap: Ghosts, Goblins, Kids with Giant Legs, and an Unconvincing Halloween Mask

Welcome to another Redux Recap. Today we’ll be looking over the fifth review from The Bores, where he’ll introduce two really annoying and unnecessary characters that add nothing to the review. A trend he still does to this day.

I’m going to skip over his “review” of The Sopranos Series Finale, because it just amounts to recycling the last scene of the show. That and “I like dis show, and dis show, but some finales suck. Also, Seinfeld’s finale was awesome don’t bash it.” I won’t say my piece about Seinfeld’s finale, so let’s watch his review of Ghosts N Goblins.

And yes, Ghosts N Goblins is a classic. A hard son of a bitch that keeps you coming back for more, just so you can get that princess ass. The sequel Ghouls N Ghosts was better in every way, and Super Ghouls N Ghosts was even greater then that. So if the game actually sucked, those two wouldn’t exist.
“Just because a game is hard, doesn’t mean it sucks!” Keep this in mind as we watch.

0:00 - 0:08: “When you think of one of the most hardest games for the NES, I guarantee Ghosts N Goblins is probably on your Top 5 List.” Oh boy, two instances of grammar failure right in the beginning.
Most hardest? Come on you have to try better then that. And how can you guarantee something will probably happen? I mean wow that’s bad.

0:08 - 0:13: Cut to Bores telling us “we’re busting this game wide open!” Busting it?

0:13 - 0:32: Here he exposits the story. Ending with a cut to him saying “This is some heavy shit!” Yes, just as heavy as Super Mario Bros or any other game where you rescue a princess.
BUT IT’S SATAN WOOOOO!

0:33 - 0:43: “Well, as long as he’s on his way down to Hell, can he take the movie Wicker Man starring Nicholas Cage along down with him? That movie was the biggest piece of shit I ever SAW!”
What’s the point of this? What does The Wicker Man have anything to do with Ghosts N Goblins? Was he just being random and chose some notable bad movie? Give us a point Chris!

0:43 - 1:01: So he explains that you play as Arthur and you “slash” your way through six stages of enemies. So you equate throwing weapons as slashing?
He notes the “downside” is that you get hit twice and die. This is called the challenge, not a downside. In fact, that’s one more hit then what most games gave back then.

1:02 - 1:18: He claims it shouldn’t be a problem, but there’s far too enemies on screen making it a problem to avoid.
You know, I’d agree with this point except for one thing. Try to actually KILL the enemies, don’t run around like a thumb-less idiot!

1:18 - 1:36: He notes that getting hit will destroy our armor, leaving in your “tightie-whiteies.” Uhh, those are red. How the hell do you see white?
“Your only hope is that the demons double over with laughter” … HA!
He follows that saying this game is no laughing matter and does a pointless montage of “anger shots” that look more like constipation and he ends it by committing suicide with a Zapper. Sadly the video does not end there.

1:37 - 1:47: IG claims his biggest problem is the armor itself. He claims the armor should be durable enough to take more then one hit.
*sighs* Again, it’s called a challenge. Obviously you can’t tell the difference between a real hard game and a fake hard game.

1:48 - 2:05: He shows the map screen while talking about how it appears after you lose a life. Why does it look so much different? He says that they do it to mock you (and to show if you reached a checkpoint) and suddenly… Oh no.
Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing the first of the Irate Gamers’ repertoire of stupid and pointless characters, Satan. Or as I like to call him, the Devil Bores.
The Devil Bores is a very skilled ventriloquist, he can talk without moving his lips. He also partakes in one of the worst clichés out there, coughing after an evil laugh. God Bores is a horrible writer.

2:06 - 2:16: Wait, what the hell is this? Why does the game look cleaner, crisper, and overall better? Why is Bores getting hit without losing his armor? Why does his timer never go down? WHAT’S GOING ON?
I still can’t believe he did this. Chris Bores sucks at the game so much, that he had to switch to the Arcade version and turn on God Mode. He couldn’t even beat Level One before doing this, that’s how much he sucks.

This raises so many questions. Like, why would you review the game at all? You’re not even playing the NES version, you went on MAME and played the Arcade version. He claims he’s playing it on the Capcom Classics Collection, but I can’t find any codes that give you invincibility or unlimited time.
It’s one thing to bad at a game, but how could you sink this low?

The worst part? He doesn’t even mention that he’s playing a different version, he just switches to it hoping that nobody would notice. So, not only is he a moron but he expects his viewers to be just as stupid. Oh, he does mention in the description that he used a different version because the NES version didn’t have Game Genie codes (it hurts so much), but barely anyone on YouTube reads the description. Even when they’re told to they don’t read it.

What does he actually say in those 10 seconds listed? That we pretty much have to cheat in order to get past level one. That should prove he’s not a gamer at all, how do people still believe him?

You know, I’m tempted to just stop the video and post everything above this line. But I’m going to stay strong, I’m going to finish this shitty video. Relax *breathes in* and keep going.

2:17 - 2:37: He claims that nothing will help you from the “two hits and you’re dead bullshit” (actually there are armor refills that are rare) and wants something like the Mushrooms from Super Mario Bros, the Hearts from Castlevania, or the Power Pellets from Pac-Man.
A lot of people misconstrue that line, they think Bores claims that hearts fill your health in Castlevania. What he’s actually saying is that GnG doesn’t have… actually I don’t know. The way he phrases that whole bit is really awkward, and it doesn’t help that he mentions “only getting two hits” and goes right into unrelated power-ups. I don’t know…

Then he says the only other weapon you get is the fireball and that it sucks. Well that’s completely untrue, it works wonders against the dragon bosses. Also, there’s more then just the fireball, there’s also the dagger and the axe. I’m not even three minutes in to this garbage!

2:38 - 3:07: He switches back to the NES version (pick one and stay with it!) and that another annoying aspect are when the enemies drop bear statues (they’re actually armor that gives you points) and because all they do is give you points this “angers” him because… cue the quick cutting!
He has to deal with *lists off every enemy in the game, and a pointless Star Wars reference* and that the points won’t matter in the end.
Technically that is true, an NES game is all about beating it and not getting a high score. However, if you’re good at the game then getting enough points nets you an extra life. You know, like so many other games out there.

3:08 - 3:54: IG starts wondering what the intended age group for this game was. Oh God you have got to be kidding. Video games were still meant for kids back then, the ESRB wasn’t around to warn parents if they buy an ultra-violent game. But since this is about difficulty, then IT DOESN’T MATTER! A lot of games were ultra-hard back then, but were still intended for kids, rather all ages.

Oh, but he’s not done. Bores invited his little Cousin Joey to come play the game. I bet your uncle is pretty angry that you’re bringing famil- OH MY GOD! Cousin Joey is just Bores wearing a baseball cap, shrunk to look like a kid, and has a high-pitched voice. Ladies & Gentlemen, the second extremely stupid character in the Irate Gamers’ repertoire of unnecessary bullshit. You have to love how Cousin Joey has gigantic legs, the kids at school must call him a freak.

So *sighs* Joey plays the game, but since IG wants to make the game look worse then it really is, keeps jumping into enemies and doesn’t throw his weapon. Take note of the missing controller cord (obstructed by green screen) and the inept transition at the end.

3:54 - 4:00: “You’ll find that each level is harder then the next, if you can believe that.” *bangs head against wall* The stages after level one get harder? Pease tell me more wise god of gaming!
Harder then the next? Don’t you mean harder then the last? You’re implying that it gets easier as the game progresses.

4:00 - 4:15: “One annoying thing are these annoying eyeball platforms” You couldn’t do another take of this line?
I love how he has God Mode on and he still sucks at the game, including a cut where he just says “damn it” after dying. That was completely necessary and worth filming yourself.

4:15 - 4:41: IG reaches the end of Level Five and says that if you don’t get the Shield Weapon you’ll be forced to start from Level Four. Nooo, you’re starting from Level Five. You’re in front of the 4, meaning you beat the stage. If you were on Level Four you’d be behind it and in front of the 3.
Again, I doubt he ever played this game as a kid.

4:41 - 5:07: He gets the shield and goes to fight the final boss. He defeats Satan (all while standing right next to him) and learns that he has to beat the game a second time. This causes the “Irate” Gamer to yell FUCK so loud that we can hear it outside. Rather he just says fuck in a normal tone of voice, increased the volume, and added an echo effect. The next Will Smith everyone, can’t even make an angry curse convincing!

5:08 - 5:14: Devil Bores returns to mock IG again, and Bores still thinks this is funny.

5:15 - 5:54: Here we enter montage mode, we watch Bores go through the game a second time in a very unconvincing manner. The Winter Games action is bad enough, but he’s using an NES controller and showing footage from the Arcade game. Just… no.
Seriously, who plays games by placing their controller on the side of their head? Play any game the way Bores does, you’ll either die in an instant or never get far enough to meet an enemy.

5:54 - 6:07: He once again reaches Satan and kills him, combined with an unneeded Star Wars reference. That’s not the Death Star and you’re not Han Solo. I get the feeling he prefers Greedo shooting first.

6:07 - 6:33: Now for another incredibly idiotic part of this video.
IG sees the ending text and notices it’s full of Engrish. He corrects it and is pissed off that they didn’t proofread it.
I wouldn’t talk Mr. “Most Hardest Game”.
He corrects “This Story is Happy End” to “This Story is a Happy Ending”. I think it’d make more sense to say “This Story has a Happy Ending.” So even when he’s trying to play teacher, he still fails. Isn’t it wonderful?

6:34 - 6:42: Devil Bores shows up AGAIN to mock him because he “can’t enjoy the ending” (ugggh let’s just finish this) and does the same “coughing after an evil laugh” joke while confessing that he has to quit smoking.
That whole running gag culminating in a very predictable joke. To once again quote the Nostalgia Critic “Not Funny plus Not Funny equals NOT FUCKING FUNNY!”

The video ends with Bores using his editing powers to create a fireball so he can jump cut the game out of frame. No wait, “destroy” the game.

Good God this review sucks on every level. He doesn’t mention that you get unlimited continues and checkpoints, and the whole thing was “I suck at the game, so it’s the game’s fault.”
Not to mention the introduction of Devil Bores, a character that was never funny but Bores keeps using for no reason. Every scene after is just random cutaways that serve no purpose to the review.

I still don't understand why he chose to review this, he couldn't even get past Level One. It's only going to get worse from here.

*sighs* Next Redux Recap, we watch him “review” another LJN title. One that’s more boring rather then unplayable. Until next time.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Redux Recap: This Post will Self-Destruct in *boom*

Has anyone ever noticed Bores seems to have something against Konami? Seriously a lot of the games he’s reviewed are from them or their doll company Ultra Games. Like today’s review, Mission: Impossible on the NES.

I played some of the game to see if it’s really that bad, and unsurprisingly it’s decent. Yes the game is hard, yes there are some cheap moments, but that’s standard from Konami. You get to switch between 3 characters at any time (kind of like TMNT) all with useful weapons and abilities.
The game is based on the short-lived 1988 TV series, a fact that few people seem to bring up.

So let’s see Bores complain some more, and this is the episode he claims to have figured out the direction he wants to take it. The irony is stunning.

0:00 - 0:12: The video starts with Bores asking “Is it possible for Mission Impossible to possibly be a good game? Possibly” Ladies & Gentlemen, bad writing at its finest. He follows that up with “Possi-fucking absolutely not! This game sucks ass! *throws game in fake anger*” Bad acting at its finest.
Possi-fucking absolutely?

0:13 - 0:27: He’s told the words “Your mission if you choose to accept it” and starts complaining that they don’t give him the option to decline it. Oh God that hurts my brain. If you don’t want to accept it, then turn off the NES.
Did you consider that they said that to stay accurate to the source material? Moron.

0:28 - 0:45: Apparently this pisses him off because you have to play the stages in order, and the statement would be accurate if he could choose the level like in Mega Man. Again, they’re trying to stay accurate to the TV show. How does this detract from the game’s quality?

0:45 - 1:11: He shows the storyline text and sees the “This Message will Self-Destruct” line and comments “ain’t that cute”.
Somehow this causes his NES to explode, get used to that effect people you’re going to see it a lot. Wait, what’s that cord? Son of a… he didn’t even edit out the controller’s cord! God that’s lazy and half-assed!
“Once you’re done replacing your Nintendo system” What about the game? How did it survive the explosion if it was the bomb? If you’re going to do stupid gags like this, double check them.

1:12 - 1:38: So he starts the actual review portion noting the camera angle is weird. I didn’t have a problem with it.
He also points out the civilians in the street and killing them will lose your character. He complains that it’s impossible to tell the difference between the spies and the civilians. Completely untrue, the spies are the ones that chase after you. It’s not even hard to tell, a big “YOU” appears over their head and they try to kill you. How is this a problem?

1:38 - 1:45: Now he complains that they get in the way when trying to kill the bad guys. Notice that he’s using a bomb to kill the bad guys, completely ignoring that he has a gun. Use the gun you moron!

1:45 - 1:51: “And don’t even think about walking in the street either! *gets hit by a car* FUCK!” What did you think was going to happen? Tom Cruise would appear and give you money?

1:52 - 2:07: Explaining the characters combined with his terrible skills.

2:07 - 2:12: “Now if you think is just another side-scrolling beat up the bad guys kind of game” Side-scrolling? Wow, that’s the most top-down side-scroller I’ve ever seen.

2:12 - 2:18: “In each of the levels, you’ll have to around fighting enemies and solving puzzles in order to advance in the game.” … Sounds like EVERY OTHER GAME EVER!

When I did the original recap, I didn’t think this video was that bad. With a fresh set of eyes, there’s a lot of stupid shit to be found.

2:19 - 2:40: Just explaining that the first level is difficult and he dies too much. Maybe it’s a problem with you and not the game?

2:40 - 2:44: Cut to Bores and his acting talents that would put Juilliard students to shame.

2:44 - 2:57: Here he explains what happens after you die and how you start the level over if you choose continue. Woah, what was that split-second shot at 2:56.

2:58 - 3:09: And now, the scene heard around the world.
Bores complains that he has to do everything all over again, and his response to that? “What a shitload of fuck!”
*shakes head* Shameful, just shameful. Now we know why he calls this episode the “direction he wanted to take the series”. Really I can’t say anything else about this scene, a lot of people have talked about it.

3:10 - 3:22: “Enough of this bullshit, time to find some passwords!” Are you kidding me? “Now if you decided to cheat or managed to get past level one” He’s not… holy shit he sucks.
“You’ll end up on level two”. I’m sorry DLAbaoaqu I have to borrow your bit just this once.
Teenage George Plimpton: I didn’t know!

3:23 - 3:36: Blah blah blah boat ride, blah blah blah full enemies like level one, and this line “enemies following you and trying to kill you” God this is stupid.

3:36 - 3:58: So Bores shows his wimpy side by getting his turbo controller. Wow, you really are a pussy.
Oh God, he’s doing it completely wrong. You’re supposed to HOLD the turbo button you ingrate!
Apparently he doesn’t know that mashing the turbo button only lets out 3 shots at a time. Seriously, this guy is not a gamer! If he was, he’d know that you HOLD the turbo button not mash it! Oh, and it’s the game’s fault that he can’t properly use turbo, of course it is.

4:00 - 4:15: He skips to level 3 and notices that he can just kill anyone he wants, leading to this pointless joke.
“So blast anything you want, this guy, this guy, or this guy *shows picture of Steve Urkel*”
Ugh that’s horrible. He didn’t even crop out Urkel, he just took a random image off Google and edited it into the game.

I should mention that a dumbass named iratefanboy345 (revealed to be a sock puppet account of The Bores) claimed the AVGN stole that joke from IG.

That’s a bullshit lie, this is the AVGN’s joke from the Die Hard review (the one he claims was stolen).
“So I’m going around trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So I’m just walking around waiting for random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up and I’m like ‘what does this have to do with anything?’ But then Steve Urkel comes on and I’m like what the fuck?”

Since Bores is too stupid to understand how a movie reference works, I’ll explain this to him.
Actor Reginald VelJohnson played Sgt. Powell in Die Hard, but he’s better known as Officer Carl Winslow on Family Matters, the show with Steve Urkel. A running joke was Urkel doing something bad and asking “Did I Do That?” So the joke works here, because it’s a reference to two roles that one actor played.
All Bores did, was randomly insert Urkel into the game without a reason. Then he just moves on like nothing happened. You fail Bores, you absolutely fail.

Oh man, I’m getting off-track. Let’s continue.

4:16 - 4:25: He starts complaining about Stage 3 having too many enemies, and says the first unintentionally hilarious line “It wouldn’t be a bad game if it wasn’t so damn hard.” Look Chris, there’s a difference between difficulty by design and broken difficulty. This game is the former.

4:26 - 4:43: He reaches a room with conveyer belts, he tries to cross with one character but falls. He tries to cross with a second character but BWHAAHAHA oh my god he fails so bad. He fell into the pit before reaching the conveyer belts. This isn’t an issue with controls either, he just sucks that bad.

4:44 - 5:10: Now he tries to cross the conveyer belts with the third character, while making a montage of it and splicing in footage that doesn’t match up with the screen at all. The second noticeable example of his Pac-Man Fever.
He succeeds in crossing the belts but is killed by two guys in armor (who he doesn’t try to fight back against).

The review ends with Bores expressing how pissed off he is and that he can’t continue. Yes, he is so pissed off that he has to talk in a normal tone of voice.
So he destroys the game by taking it outside, throwing it into the air, and firing a rocket from his Super Scope. Not only does this break the laws of physics since the game can’t be in the air for the amount of time the rocket is going (seriously it’s a slow-ass rocket) but when it hits the game there’s nothing there. Seriously, it just hits the air and blows up… something.

This review was stupid, he claims this is his first truly great video but he has no “truly great” videos.
Wait, if he was using passwords to get through the levels then why didn’t he skip to Level 6? He just played until Level 3 and gave up. I’m so confused by how poorly-directed all of his videos are.

The next redux recap: Bores bashes a classic game because he sucks at it. Until next time.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Redux Recap: The Goonies II Makes Sense to Me

You’re probably wondering how many of these Redux Recaps I’m going to do. Well, when I get to a video that doesn’t need another look-over, I’ll just give a brief recap about why I won’t cover it and move on to the main one.
I’ll skip some of his Neo videos, the ones I feel aren’t worth it.

Now that’s over with, The Goonies II.
I should mention that this game is awesome, it’s like Metroid combined with Shadowgate. It has a map screen, multiple weapons, and it’s just fun. Now watch IG bash it because he couldn’t play the first one.

0:00 - 0:18: So the video begins with IG saying that he “fondly remembers playing this game as a kid.” Fondly remember it huh? Then within a few seconds he says “But as much as I loved the movie, I had the opposite reaction towards this game.” So in 18 seconds, he contradicts himself. We’re off to a good start.

0:19 - 0:27: However, before he can start the review he has to address the title, which he reminds us is Goonies II. Thanks, I already know that.

0:28 - 0:44: He comments that it confuses him, and thinks it’s fantastic that a sequel to a movie is only on a video game. During this he shows footage from the movie, not sure why this is the only spot he shows footage.

0:45 - 0:57: He also considers that it’s a sequel to a previous game (that is correct) but whines that he wants to play the original game first. Why?

0:57 - 1:13: “What’s worse then playing your video games out of order?” Not playing them at all? Who cares what order you play them in? Unless there’s a cohesive story like Metal Gear Solid, you can play them in order you want. I don’t care if you play Super Mario 64 before Super Mario Bros. 3, you’ll still have fun with it.
Oh, it gets worse. He asks “Who in their right mind would play Castlevania III before Castlevania I?” and that the thought of it is sickening and punishable by death in some countries. *painful sigh* Where do I start?
First of all, Castlevania III is a prequel. It makes perfect sense to play that before Castlevania I. Why didn’t you mention Simon’s Quest? That would have made a little bit of sense since it’s a direct sequel to the first game.
Second, I’ll remind you once again that unless the series has a cohesive story that requires you to play the games in order, then it doesn’t matter what order you play them in. They’re not like movies, and even some movies you can see the sequels and not get lost (Terminator 2, The Dark Knight)
Third, that last joke wasn’t funny.

Did you notice that when he throws Castlevania, it hits the shelf and doesn’t make a sound? That’s… weird.

1:13 - 1:18: Now he’s talking about how he’s been to a lot of retail stores and never saw Goonies I. Maybe it’s because you’re looking at a shelf of PS2 games?

1:19 - 2:18: Then he thinks of a third option, that they screwed up the numbering. Somehow he relates this to Donkey Kong, saying they released Donkey Kong 3 after Donkey Kong Jr. He starts complaining that there’s no Donkey Kong 2 and wonders if DKJr is meant to be the “missing link”, concluding that doing stuff like this confuses people in the long run.

And yes, this is a blatant rip-off of the AVGN’s Chronologically Confused bit. I want to address the fans that say he never stole anything from James. Don’t listen to WHAT he says, listen to HOW he says it.
The inflection, the context, that’s the part that really matters. Plagiarism does not mean word-for-word, close imitation also qualifies.
And to the people that say “He only ripped off his TMNT and Back to the Future reviews, stop crying waah” you are fucking blind. I just provided a HUGE example, I noted some bad ones in the Where’s Waldo recap, and he still does it to this day. Wake up people!

Also, what’s the point of bringing up Donkey Kong? It has nothing to do with The Goonies other then being from the 80s. Feels like a boring Big Lipped Alligator Moment.

Moving on.

2:19 - 2:41: He finally stops stalling and tells us that Goonies II is a sequel to a video game, however it was only released in Japan (except for Playchoice-10 Machines in Arcades but obviously he didn’t care to look). So he made the first 2 ½ minutes of this video entirely pointless, thank for padding douchebag.
Here’s how a competent reviewer would do it “Today I’m looking at The Goonies II, a fun side-scrolling adventure with first-person elements. This is a sequel to a Goonies video game, however it was only released in Japan and Playchoice-10 Arcade machines. Now onto the review.” Again, it’s not that hard!

Oh, and he complains that the US is always getting “F’d in the A” for releases. I already mentioned this before but any country that isn’t the USA or Japan has it far worse. Try living in Europe during the early 90s, RPGs were non-existent.

2:41 - 3:04: So the review starts up, he exposits the story about how The Fratelli’s (or as he calls them, the bad guys from the movie) have kidnapped Annie. “Who’s Annie? Was she in the movie?” You could try reading the instruction manual, or look up the full story online if you don’t have it, but that would be stupid.
“Why does Mikey have to rescue her? Doesn’t this town have a police force?” *slams head against wall* I don’t know? Why does Mario have to keep rescuing the Princess? Doesn’t the Mushroom Kingdom have a police force that could do it?
Why is Link always the one rescuing Zelda? Surely the knights of Hyrule can take care of it.
And hey, who needs Sonic to stop Robotnik? Just get the out-of-place human police force to do it. You see how stupid that is Chris?

3:05 - 3:18: He then wonders how the other Goonies got kidnapped, complains that there’s no backstory and that it’s about as confusing as the title.
Again, read the instruction manual. Also, you just cleared up the confusion of the title. Do you even look over your scripts after writing them?

3:19 - 3:25: Cut to Bores saying that the game is very hard to figure out. Not really, it’s actually quite easy.

3:25 - 3:35: He explains that there are no separate levels, and you go around various areas finding items.
You mean like Metroid? You know, that game that doesn’t have separate levels and you go around various areas finding items? How is this a problem?

3:35 - 4:12: He shows what some of these items are and what they do. Grab your pillow because here’s the boring part of the video, he goes around various rooms hitting walls hoping to find something. I should mention this part isn’t boring, it’s a little tedious but it’s not as boring as IG is portraying.
“It’d be more fun to rip the hair out of my ass then play this game”. When you phrase it like this, it makes it sound like you hate this game. Seriously, what makes a good game in your eyes? Something with a “Press A to Win” button? No wait, the Sonic Unleashed review proves you fail that as well.

4:13 - 4:23: “I guess the person that put up the drywall in this house really fucked up.” Not funny. Even if that wasn’t a joke, did you ever consider the Fratelli’s set it up like that?

4:24 - 4:38: He finds a Goonie locked up and rescues him, the Goonie thanks Mikey and tells him “You’re Braver Than Brand”. IG remarks “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’ve never heard that before in my life!”
Hey dipshit, Brand is Mikey’s older brother. Josh Brolin’s character? Oh, according to the description he knew that, he just thought it looked funny. It doesn’t look funny at all, is this what you mean by “exploit these weaknesses for comedic effect?”
“Man, this game pisses me off” Yes, you can tell it pisses me off by my extremely bored tone of voice. I can’t stop making fun of that.

4:39 - 4:44: He starts talking about the first-person rooms and “half the time they don’t even make no sense at all.” Once again proving that he doesn’t know how to read.

4:44 - 5:00: Pay attention to Mikey in the bottom-left corner, notice how he’s facing down. He complains that if presses up he walks out of the same room, and asks for consistency.
When you choose “Go” arrows will surround Mikey, and depending on where he’s facing that’s where he’ll go. This will change depending on where he’s facing, so if he’s facing North pressing Up takes you North. If he’s facing South pressing Up takes you South.
Wow, I just explained it better then he ever could. How about that?

5:00 - 5:24: Another confusing aspect (to him) is that he falls down a chasm and dies but is right next to a ladder that leads to the same place.
*sighs* How many other games do this? Castlevania, Ninja Gaiden, Contra, Kid Icarus, this isn’t any different. By the way, notice when he goes down the ladder the area where the chasm would have taken him was a big ceiling, so he would’ve died from hitting the bricks. Either that or he’s trying to bring realistic logic into an 8-Bit NES game. God how much longer is this?

Also, is it me or was that “fuck” at the end said by someone else? It didn’t sound like him, it just sounded weird.

5:24 - 5:39: He whines about the ladders and not being able to use his weapon while on them, how we have to take it like a bitch. Or you could try to move out of the way before they hit you. It’s called a challenge, a concept you don’t seem to understand.
And did that “what the fuck” at the end also sound strange? Seriously what’s with the audio in this review? Cartridges hitting shelves but not making a sound, Bores sounding like a completely different person, I don’t get it.

5:40 - 5:54: Apparently the concept of dying and losing your items is confusing to The Bores, as he complains about losing all his keys after dying. Seriously, people still believe he’s a gamer?

5:55 - 6:00: We cut to IG saying that one of coolest things is the ability to hit people with your hammer.
I should mention that hitting people in this game is bad, especially Konami Man. Normally he heals you when you visit him, but if you hit him he’ll never heal you again unless you start a new game.

6:01 - 6:15: So Bores starts hitting an old woman and laughing. Why is this relevant to the review? Well…

6:15 - 6:37: The woman responds “What do you do?” This pisses him off and he corrects it as “What did you do?”
Don’t you mean “What are you doing?” That phrase is something a mother would say when she notices her kid did something bad.
Somehow this mistranslation ruins hitting people because… he’s the Irate Gamer? Then cut to Bores showing off his amazing acting chops.

Also, I wouldn't criticize the game's translation Mr. "Don't even make no sense at all"

6:38 - 6:57: “Once you save all your friends” I’d like to thank Game Genie for getting me to this part.
He saves Annie and sees that she’s a mermaid, apparently he thinks this is stupid and that it makes no sense. Again, you could have read the instruction manual. But why do research when you can bash classic games for views?

So the review FINALLY ends with Bores whining that people aren’t making a big deal out of Annie being a mermaid. At the beginning, you should have noticed The Fratelli’s were calling out The Goonies on TV. By doing this, people already know Annie is a mermaid.
Also, look at the boxart for the game.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/76/Goonies2.jpg
See Mrs. Fratelli holding a glass ball with Annie inside?

Because people didn’t make a big deal out of Annie being a mermaid, this pisses him off enough to smash the game with a hammer. Also smashing his credibility as a gamer and reviewer.

This review was horrible! This is the turning point in IG’s reviews where he went from making actual complaints to making up bullshit excuses. That’s only 3 episodes he started doing that, it’s just… ugh it hurts.

It also shows that he completely missed the point to why the AVGN was likeable. This isn’t only Bores, this is everyone that tries to be an angry reviewer but fails at it (Game Dunce, NC17, Pissed Off Fat Gamer, 10-12 year old kids, etc.) These people think that “by bashing a game, people will think I’m funny and make me popular”. No, James grew up with these games and shared the videos with people that also grew up with them. People that actually did play these games would get the humor.

Next Redux Recap: The video that Bores claims was his turning point.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Summer of Forgettable Crap and Iron Man

Since Chris Bores seems to care about what movies he thinks will be “sPEtactular” he released another Top Ten Summer Movie List.
Strange thing is, he didn’t split this into two parts. I still don’t get why he did that the last two years, but let’s see his moronic tastes for this year.

Intro: “Since I did these lists for the last two years, I’ll do it again.” After all, people love my opinions on movies. Because of me, nobody saw Watchmen again… right? I was the reason people stopped seeing Watchmen and decided to see the “A+” X-Men Origins Wolverine?

Number Ten: Inception
He starts off the list with Christopher Nolan’s upcoming sci-fi film (strange how doesn’t mention the director behind The Dark Knight is working on this). He says it looks weird and doesn’t know what to expect. How very detailed.

Number Nine: The A-Team
He says he barely remembers watching this, but hopes to see tons of action and tons of explosions. How about plot? Oh, and he’s disappointed that Mr. T won’t be reprising his role as B.A. Baracus (doesn’t say the character’s name).
Look, people need to realize that Mr. T is 57 years old. He can’t be the strong guy forever… though Chuck Norris is 70 years old and still kicking ass. Just don’t be angry that they didn’t get him.

Number Eight: Toy Story 3
“I know this is a kid’s movie…” Learn that Pixar movies are meant for EVERYONE and then we can talk “legit movie critic”. Blah blah characters blah blah adventures blah blah I don’t care.

Number Seven: Grown Ups
Ladies & Gentlemen, Chris Bores’ taste in comedy. I saw the trailer for this, it made me want to castrate myself.
He goes on about all the cast being from SNL (I totally remember Kevin James being on SNL, remember that bit where he played the fat slob with a hot wife?) and how it will be hysterical. Yeah, Rob Schnieder and David Spade say otherwise.

Number Six: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
“I’m going to assume that this movie is based off the game of the same name” ASSUME? Jeez, why don’t you just hold up a sign in every video now that says “Hello! I am not a gamer!”
Just to further this, he shows the Genesis boxart saying “it was hard as hell to play through”. I’d give him credit if it wasn’t the fact this was based off Sands of Time, which came out in 2003 on the three main consoles and PC.
More vague statements and this “Jerry BROCKheimer”, you mean Bruckheimer? Ass.

Number Five: Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Guh… he doesn’t mention this is a sequel. How does he not know about the original Wall Street? Michael Douglas is REPRISING his role as Gordon Gekko, Charlie Sheen was in the original but now his character-type (not the same character, but similar) is played by the even less talented Shia LaShit.
Oh yeah the vague thoughts, he just says it looks good and the plot will spiral out of control.

Number Four: Tron Legacy
He mentions that it’s not coming out until after Summer ends but he had to put it in. I should mention that Wall Steet: Money Never Sleeps comes out after summer, but who am I to argue with the idiot that doesn’t know it’s a sequel.
All of these summaries are the same, just being as vague as possible. God I’m bored.

Number Three: The Last Airbender
He mentions that it’s based off “a cartoon” and has never seen it, but the trailer makes him want too. Trust me, the cartoon is far more worth the time then whatever that hack M. Night releases.
Does Bores only care about special effects? It’s all he’s been talking about.
Oh, listen to this “Plus this movie is directed by M. Night Shyamalan, so it should be pretty good.” Wow, did this fucker see The Happening? Or The Village? Or Lady in the Water? Really, anything after Unbreakable sucked.

Number Two: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Ah great, more Nicholas Cage.
“This film looks to be one special effects ride that’s going to be great”. Seriously, why didn’t he review Avatar? You’d think he would spend more then 90 seconds gushing about the effects.
And that’s what this summary is, gushing about special effects.

And now for Number One: Iron Man 2
I will say that’s a better choice then G.I. Joe and *shudders* Dragonball Evolution.
He doesn’t say much other then “there’s hype and I hope it will live up to it.”

That’s the video, he ends it saying he’ll review most of these and to check back or “subscribe to my channel” (whore) and that’s where it ends.

I’ll be honest, this list was a lot better then the last two. But that’s not saying much, his taste in movies still sucks.

Until next time.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Redux Recap: Where's Waldo and the Talent? Bonus: MasterCard is pissed!

Before I start today’s recap, I’ll briefly talk about Bores’ newest bloopers video. It sucks.

Okay there’s more to it. The bloopers are the same “pausing in the middle” crap we’ve seen before. But he included an alternate scene from the latest video.
The scene where Bores thinks Luigi has diplomatic immunity originally had an even less funny joke. The “joke” in the video was Luigi pissing on the sidewalk, the alternate take was a parody of the MasterCard commercials. I’m not kidding, he somehow connected “I must have diplomatic immunity” to a MasterCard commercial. It still ended with Luigi taking a computer-generated piss on the sidewalk so it makes even less sense.

You know what this reminds me of, the absolute worst of Family Guy. This is like Something, Something, Something, Dark Side if done by retarded turkeys rather then retarded chimps. Why would you include a MasterCard parody? What’s the relevance?

I love how the idiot fans are saying “Where can I get an Irate MasterCard?” That’s not even clever, it’s like the Nostalgia Critic once said “You can’t just add the word ’land’ to something and expect it to be a fully developed, three dimensional world!” Same could be said here, adding “Irate” to something doesn’t make it special Chris.
How is an “Irate” MasterCard different from a regular one? Does it yell “dickwaffles” if you try to go over your credit limit? Once again, supporting my theory that he has completely forgotten the definition of the word “Irate”.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s begin the Redux Recap of his Where’s Waldo video.

0:00 - 0:25: The video starts out with a history lesson, oh good I can catch up on my sleep. IG drones on about Waldo being immensely popular and how kids spent “hours” trying to find him. Maybe you spent hours considering how slow you work? Then in the following “weeks” came a slew of merchandise. *sighs* This line bothers me, but I can’t put my finger on why it does.

0:26 - 0:38: He takes out the NES cartridge and comments “Someone at THQ thought it would be a good idea to take this hit book series and turn it into a piece of shit video game.” To THQ’s credit, it was a good idea. Adapting something that’s popular to another medium will sell, no matter how bad it is. It’s called Marketing, it’s a basic business principle.

By the way, does this opening remind you of the AVGN’s Ghostbusters review? A history lesson talking about the franchise’s popularity, the ensuing merchandise, and getting to the crappy video game spin-off. This might be a bit of a reach… though plagiarism doesn’t limit itself to just “direct quotes” but concepts and ideas as well.

0:45: The review begins.

0:48 - 1:09: IG starts out on the Easy setting (which I should mention is insulting) and says it’s a pixilated mess. I’m bored already.

1:09 - 1:16: He repeats his “Someone at THQ…” line. Marketing 101 Chris, or how about Common Sense 101?

1:30 - 1:43: Holy crap! An actual complaint about the game! Okay, Bores mentions that the controls are slippery and it’s hard to position the cursor in the right spot.
I gotta be honest here, if Bores did more complaints like this then he might have improved over time. But no, he decided to stick with annoying cutaway gags, bitching about aspects that don’t effect the overall game, and being as vague as possible.

1:45 - 1:52: He finds Waldo and claims it would be easier to find cat shit. Cut to Bores finding a stock excrement image placed on the game screen and exclaiming “Hey there it is!”
To all his idiot fans that say he doesn’t use toilet humor: This is his second episode!

1:52 - 2:29: IG points out how long it takes for Waldo to get to his next destination, notice how Waldo is walking to The City and keep that in mind. We then get a montage of Bores “waiting” and somehow in the 10 seconds it takes for Waldo to reach his destination he obtains a watch to keep time, a can of soda, a bag of chips, and a toothbrush.
I understand this is for comedy, exaggerating how long it takes for Waldo to move from place to place, but this isn’t funny. It’s just not.
So Waldo ends up in The Cave. Remember when I said keep an eye on The City? Apparently Waldo can teleport to an earlier stage in the game, either that or inconsistent editing.

2:30 - 2:52: He starts talking about the cave stage and how it’s a complete crap shoot to find Waldo in the dark. You see, the cursor acts as a flashlight and when Waldo pops up you have to search the general area to find him. It’s not that hard compared to the rest of the levels.

2:53 - 2:58: He once again reminds us that “Someone at THQ blah blah good idea” but stops midway. What was the point of that?

2:59 - 3:23: IG wonders where all of Waldo’s friends are “Like Wizard Whitebeard, the dog, or the Evil Waldo” I mean, it’s not like the Evil Waldo was a minor character they introduced in the fifth season of the show, he was there right from the beginning. So there’s no excuse, there’s no ex-… Wow he really did steal a lot from the AVGN.
By the way Bores, Waldo was alone in the first two books and I doubt people cared about finding his friends.

3:24 - 4:00: Finally Bores reaches the last level and sees the ending with Waldo landing on the moon. He’s then “angered” that the game has no ending, and doesn’t understand why Waldo is on the moon.
Ugh… when you select your difficulty the first thing you see is Waldo holding a ticket to the moon and you have 5-10 minutes to get there (depending on the difficulty). Waldo landing on the moon means you beat the game, and that you won.
I know beating the game is a completely foreign concept to you but most of the time all you get is a single “You Win” screen, even the best games only give you that.

You have to love his acting in this scene. He’s just pushing his arms out like he wants a hug. At least it’s a step up from “Robotic Time Cop that’s somehow a parody of The Matrix instead of Time Cop.”

4:00 - 4:40: He ends the review saying the game should be placed on the moon with Waldo and asks why they couldn’t make a proper ending. He decides to make up an ending that’s honest about the game saying “Congratulations. You had the patience to sit through this awful game. You proved your nerdiness. Now go fuck yourself!” Okay I’m going to address this in the next redux recap, because there’s a BLATANT example of his plagiarism there.

4:40: Starts review of The Great Waldo Search for the SNES. What’s with the strange emphasis on the first letter of SNES?

4:50 - 5:01: He starts the game and wonders why it’s called The “Great” Waldo Search (it’s named after the book). His timing is so horrible “let’s not judge a book- uh I mean, a video game by its cover” I mean GOD!

5:01 - 5:21: “When you start the game, you’ll notice a vast improvement in graphics. It’s amazing compared to the original” as he shows a side-by-side with the NES game. Really, a 16-Bit console has better graphics then an 8-Bit console? What a scoop! I’ll bring this to the Tribune right away!
Headline: SNES games look better then NES games!
I mean really, you’re complimenting an SNES game for looking better then an NES game. That’s like playing Bionic Commando Rearmed and saying the graphics are a vast improvement over the NES version. It’s just… duhhhhh.

5:35 - 5:56: We cut to IG shaking his controller around (obviously NOT playing the game) and droning about how his “Irate nature is running on all 4 cylinders”. Man he’s really angry, you can tell by his boring and monotone voice. He continues droning that the game gets old and it should have been a side-scrolling adventure game, man he really does sound bored.

5:57 - 6:10: He gets “pissed off” that the game only has 5 levels while the NES game had more then that. Strange how when he’s talking normally he sounds interested, but when he’s “angry” he turns bored. A-List acting there Bores.

6:10 - 6:25: He decides to do some math *holds back laughter* noting that NES games back in the day (wait NES games?) cost blah blah blah I don’t care.

6:25 - 6:38: Now for the worst part of this video. “It’s pretty much a slap in the face when you have other NES games like Super Mario World, which has over 96 levels to explore and Donkey Kong Country which has over 100 unique levels”.
You heard right, Chris Bores called Super Mario World and Donkey Kong Country NES games. I won’t rage this time, but I will ask a simple question. How does anyone think he’s legit? This was his second episode, you’d think right off the bat someone would notice this and see he’s not a gamer.
I doubt it was a slip of the tongue either, notice earlier he put heavy emphasis on the “S” in SNES. He probably figured out he was wrong but it was too late to fix the later mistakes. You’d have to be like a soccer mom not to know the difference.
Oh and Super Mario World has 72 levels, a lot of them have an alternate exit thus 96 EXITS.

6:43 - 6:50: “It makes you wonder how quickly they slapped this game together in order for them to sell it to kids who were hoping they just purchased a great game.” Sounds exactly like your DVD.

6:51 - 6:58: “It says in the title GREAT Waldo Search!” Again, it’s based off the book of the same name. You think with all the “research” you did to rip off the A- I mean for your opening you would notice this.

So the review ends with Bores ranting that if he finds Waldo anywhere near his “NES System” again (Nintendo Entertainment System System?) he’ll kick his ass. What’s with the picture by the way? It shows his NES and SNES on top of his DVD player without controllers, and Donkey Kong Country is in the SNES not The Great Waldo Search. Whatever it’s just about over.
He “destroys” the games by… putting them through a paper shredder. Daaah physics what’s that? Do you think your audience is stupid enough to believe you can fit cartridges through a paper shredder? Well, I remember reading the comments to this video a while back and people actually asked “Did you really put your games in the shredder?” so yes his audience really is that stupid.

This review was just boring. He just droned on and on, and the whole second half is a clear cut sign that he was never a gamer.
Until the next Redux Recap (or when Bores releases something again, probably a vague movie review) I’ll see you later.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Redux Recap: Anachronism to the Future

Last July, I started the Irate Game Sucks blog with the intention of showing that there’s far more problems with this hack then “being an AVGN rip off”. He’s also an incompetent filmmaker, a terrible actor, a greedy con artist, a douchebag, unfunny, and a fake gamer.

Today I want to revisit his older videos, take another look and do brand new recaps of his early crap. Try to do without too much harsh language, and include things I forgot like mistakes I missed or grammar failure.

So let’s return to his first review, Back to the Future on the NES. A video full of anachronisms, bad acting, and stolen quotes, this will set the tone for his upcoming videos. Let’s begin.

0:00 - 0:15: So the video begins with the Irate Gamer at the only movie theater in 2007 that still shows 1980s movies. Right off the bat his acting is unconvincing, if someone was in the movie theater waving his arms around shouting “This is sweet!” they’d be told to shut the hell up.
A little bonus fact, on the DVD version he didn’t remove this scene. Not only that, but he added Tom Servo and Crow from MST3K. So not only will he see lawsuits from Universal, but also suits from Best Brains Inc. Bravo.

0:16 - 0:28: We cut to IG outside an obvious green screen saying that he just saw the movie and can’t wait to play the game. Wait, so they were still showing Back to the Future 4 years after it came out in theaters? The game out in 1989, to coincide with the release of the second movie. Better call Doc Brown to sort this out.
Also this line “Now it’s time to pop in this video game and play the game.” Man, this annoying redundancy is annoying and redundant.

0:28 - 0:44: “Now the first thing you see is the Back to the Future logo” Really? I thought we’d see Batman riding an alligator. He explains the objective is to collect clocks, and that it has nothing to do with the movie’s premise. Welcome to the World of Video Game Adaptations. Very rarely does a game follow the movie perfectly, especially when the movie itself prefers story over action.

I should mention that IG is using a corrupted ROM of the game. All the colors are washed out, the grey road is blue, the green grass is orange, it’s a mess.

0:45 - 1:07: Here he lists off the enemies and obstacles, while being as boring as possible. By the way, those “coffee cups” are garbage cans. The ROM’s screwed-up coloring removed the overflowing trash.

1:08 - 1:18: Ladies & Gentlemen, the Irate Gamers’ first joke. “By the way, what are two delivery men doing out in the street with an expensive piece of glass? Can you say lawsuit? *crash noise plus sound effect*” Wasn’t that hilarious? You have to love how he purposely walks into the glass.

1:19 - 1:44: He starts ranting about the bees and how they weren’t in the movie (World of Video Game Adaptations). He wonders where the bees come from thinking “Back to the Future Part 0: Marty vs. The Bees” accompanied by the BttF poster covered in bees. Apparently that’s meant to be a joke, but I don’t see it.

1:44 - 2:06: IG points out a clock that’s sitting in front of a wall, and asks if that game designer is laughing his ass off about it. He makes sure to highlight this with a spotlight effect as he attempts to gra- wait a minute!

2:06 - 2:42: He comments that the game gets very old, very fast (hey, an actual complaint about the game) and that there’s very few things to help you. He mentions the skateboard and how it looks like something that will kill you (no it doesn’t). Strange how he doesn’t mention the bowling ball, which you need in order to get the skateboard.

2:42 - 3:08: Then he wonders why Marty is wearing a black, sleeveless shirt (“Durr, it’s different because the AVGN said sleeveless, black shirt durrr”) and asks “shouldn’t this be red?” and colors it in. Because I needed to be reminded what red is. He keeps running this joke in the ground by showing various photos and clips, and now he’s breaking one of the major rules of filmmaking, show don’t tell.

3:09 - 3:33: After saying that it should be as accurate as possible (*sighs*) he “jokes” that they should give him a gun if they’re going to ignore the source material. Somehow this gun fires rockets that cause large explosions that last until the enemy is off the screen. Just because you can do special effects doesn’t mean you should. Subtly is key, don’t be like Michael Bay.
Also, he knows that you can use the bowling ball to kill enemies right? Well, seeing that he doesn’t mention it at all I’ll take that as a no.

3:34 - 3:53: He starts talking about the music now. He claims it’s not that bad but contradicts himself saying it will drive you to the point of insanity.
He also says the music wasn’t in the movie. Here’s a mistake a lot of people have made, the song is actually a sped-up midi version of Huey Lewis and the News’ “The Power of Love”. Since multiple people have said this, I won’t fault him for it.

4:09 - 4:23: He starts playing the Lou’s Café stage and explains the objective. Okay nothing too horrible so far…

4:24 - 4:33: “Now here’s the kicker, after you nail a few of them they start coming out faster & faster!” It’s like some sort of video game!

4:35 - 4:50: We cut to Bores on his chair going on about how this stage is impossible and how he’s tried 50 times and can’t do it. He claims “without cheating, I don’t know how this is not possible!” Double negatives aren’t not fun!

4:50 - 5:17: IG says his highest score is 19 (and that’s trying his absolute best) but is pissed that you have to hit 50 to advance. Then he starts comparing this number to completely unrelated games “There aren’t even 50 levels in the game of Super Mario Bros, there aren’t even 50 weapons in the game of Legend of Zelda, there aren’t even 50 stage bosses in the game’s Mega Man 1-6 combined!”
Some mistakes right here. The footage he showed for Zelda was from Link to the Past, not the original game. If he said Link to the Past then that would make sense.
Okay this is nitpicking, but this likely isn’t. He said 50 stage bosses in Mega Man 1-6 combined. Did he mean Robot Masters because there’s only 46 of those. By saying stage bosses, that includes all the Wily Stages, the Doc Robot stages in 3, and the “fake castles” in 4-6 (Cossack, Evil Proto Man, Mr. X). That’s well over 50.
It also doesn’t make sense to compare “enemies you need to kill” to “amount of levels or weapons in a game”, but I’ll attribute that to awful writing.

He ends the review portion saying this game makes every movie Mariah Carey “made” look like a masterpiece. I checked for how many movies she was in, and as of 2007 she was only in 5, and only 2 where she played a leading role. Also, Back to the Future and Mariah Carey? I blame his piss-poor writing.
He also says he wishes he could go back in time and stop the game from being created (*cough*), then realizes that’s a good idea bringing us to the incredibly stupid ending.

IG runs to his 4-Door Sedan (his license plate says Y2B, I just noticed that) and somehow travels back to 1987. Why did he choose that year?
The location is the LJN offices as we cut to Chris Bores in a wig, talking on a modern-day phone and using a modern-day computer. You’d think with that technology LJN would make good games.
He says “tell Mr. Silvestri I’ll handle all the Back to the Future games!” Silvestri? As in Alan Silvestri the movie’s composer? OHHHH that explains why LJN’s games suck. They did their deals with the composers of the movies, now it all makes sense.

“Mr. Caldwell” is told there’s a young man here to see him, IG walks holding an NES Zapper and kills his wigged self. Right in front of the Ten Commandments FOR SHAME, and it seems Caldwell bleeds jelly.
After “saving the day” he somehow altered the timeline, erasing him from existence. Wait how does that work? Unless Chris killed his father then he should still be alive. How does killing the CEO of LJN destroy him? If he implying that LJN is no more? Then why did he review Jaws? God I hate this! Forget Doc Brown, get Doctor Who in here!

The video ends with IG playing Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (not sure why he chose that game), wondering why they never made a Back to the Future game (TIMELINES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY) and that’s it.

For a first review, it’s still shit. Sure, many first reviews aren’t that good, but when you remember that IG only got worse overtime then it’s just a sad state of affairs.

I hope you enjoyed this first redux recap, it won’t be fun rewatching his videos again but I’ll keep on living.

Special Thanks to Mike ***** for reading and enjoying this. Just knowing at least one person is reading my ramblings really helps out, and it's nice that it's getting widespread attention.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Ghostbusters 2009. Who Ya Gonna Call? A Real Reviewer.

Well that was fast. Looks like he has a new review up already, however it’s a Neo review so this will be a short recap.

To artificially lengthen this, I’m going to look at the trailer for it.

So this one minute of stupidity begins with the question “Are you ready for another review?” No not really. However he immediately responds with “Of Course You Are. What a Silly Question.” Wow, could you be anymore of a dick Chris? Stop acting like your reviews are some special treat, you’re acting like Uwe Boll where he claims his next movie will be spectacular and mind-blowing.

“So lets get this Show on the Road” And enough with the random capitalization. It’s like looking at a 2nd grade student’s term paper.

He announces that the game will be Ghostbusters (the new one). Oddly enough he doesn’t review the Wii version but rather the PS3 version. Great, now he owns a Playstation 3, GottGame really loves to waste money on this dickhead.

“Because You fans Requested it”. Okay this is another thing I want to address, he’s trying harder then ever to convince everyone he has fans. Every single trailer he says “because you asked for it so here it is” and it comes off as desperate and rather sad. By the way, that’s some nice sentence structure, other then the random capitalization. Try saying “Because you fans” out loud, it will sound awkward and childish.

So the rest of the trailer is gameplay footage set to stock rock music, ending with Bores doing that weird thing where he holds up the game and doesn’t say anything.

Well then, onto the actual review. Right now it’s only available at GottGame.

Before I start, yes I’m well aware James Rolfe did a review of the game back in August, a mere two months after the game’s release. However, he didn’t review it as The Nerd but as himself, giving a fair review to both the positive and negative aspects of the game. Here, Bores is reviewing it “in character” and you’ll see why that “character” is a load of bunk. Let’s begin.

Intro: Oh hey, no theme song this time. Did he forget to add it? Instead he just shows his title card, similar to the early IG reviews where he only showed his title card with a “woosh” sound effect.

0:12 - 0:20: After an unnecessary transition effect, he says he got the game for the holiday season and just beat it (three months later). At least Rolfe had an excuse to release his video two months after the game came out.

0:20 - 1:01: Jeez I’m bored already. Those speech lessons need to happen, maybe learn how NOT to sound like a robot with ADD. Really he just goes on about it being a “FANtastic” game and how any kid from the 80s must get it. Then mentions then original voices and how “super awesome” it is to hear them conversing with each other.

1:01 - 1:29: I did it, I have found the perfect video for the strongest dose of Borian possible. Seriously, nothing is happening except his constant praise of the game.

1:30 - 1:36: “You pretty much start off as a rookie” Pretty much? You ARE the rookie, that’s the entire game! You don’t get to play as the other Ghostbusters!
Phrase your sentences better, you’re either too vague or too stupid to convey them properly.

Oh my GOD HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS? It’s just so boring! Nothing is happening, nothing at all!

2:33 - 2:40: He mentions the new villains, and the screen shows him fighting a demon as he yells “This chick is toast!” STOP! Okay, I understand this is a reference to the movie but he still sucks at references. That’s obviously not Gozer in the footage, I checked and Gozer isn’t even in the game. That doesn’t even look like a female demon. Listen dickless, if you’re going to quote Ghostbusters, at least use a quote that makes sense.
Everyone: Is this true?
That’s right, this man has no dick.

2:44 - 2:56: Bores claims his only problem was that it was too short and could be beaten in a day. So if it’s so short, then why did it take three months to beat it and make a video about it? Don’t give me that crap about “being too busy” you never release videos or give any indication that you have a life outside of your suburban bubble.

Now here’s something else I want to bring up, he reviews big name games MONTHS after they come out. I mean, if he wants to stay relevant he could review something recent like Aliens vs. Predator or Mass Effect 2. I don’t know, he just confuses me so much.

3:05 - 3:13: The camera cuts to him, he hopes that a game developer is listening (BAHAHA) and takes the success of Ghostbusters into consideration. I’m not really paying attention, his erratic movements are distracting. It’s like he can’t sit still… I guess my ADD theory wasn’t too far off.

3:13 - 3:20: He gives a wish list of 80s movies he hopes become games. Saying Back to the Future, Bill & Ted, and Die Hard. Fine, other then the idea of a Bill & Ted game being utterly stupid I’ll agree with the other two. Oh God, I’m agreeing with him. Something must be wrong with…

3:21 - 3:26: He then says if they make games based on Police Academy and Weekend at Bernie’s, then it’s time to stop. Oh phew. Something utterly retarded to rant about.
Listen Chris, this may come as a shock but video games are a business. Publishers want to make money from their product, notably the ones that make recent movie tie-ins and Activision. I doubt they’d drop money on a game where you play as two idiots trying to convince people their boss is alive, or a group of annoying comic relief characters that are about as relevant as the Numa Numa guy.

The review ends with Bores doing that weird “doing voice over while I’m on screen” thing and holding the game, saying it’s an Irate Gamer Pick. Apparently he’s forgotten the definition of the word “irate”. I mean, did he really need to be “in character” for this review?

What is his character anyway? Sometime he’s angry, sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s nice, sometimes he’s homicidal, keep it together you film school dropout!
Though, to be honest if he wasn’t in character the review would be a minute long and have nothing about vague statements about it.

The main problem with this review is that it was just boring. I could barely stay awake watching it, my brain would just shut down from boredom.

By the way guys, I’m considering making redux versions of my early recaps. Add stuff I forgot, remove some of the harsher language, clean them up a bit. What do you think?

Until next time folks.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Educational Slider Bores featuring Mario and Jewish Skeleton

*sighs* I don’t want to do this episode. I really don’t.
It wasn’t Aladdin bad but it was still bad. The thing that’s getting me is all the retarded fan boys saying “this is your best episode ever!” and laughing at jokes that even Family Guy would reject. In fact, there’s very little hate in his comments. Why? Did he block everyone that left a hate comment on his trailer video?

Okay, calm down. Let’s just get this over with. His “reviews” of Mario is Missing and Mario’s Time Machine.
Just for clarification, yes the AVGN did review these games last year. Back then his review was just average, but now it’s 1000x times better. You’ll see why.

Let’s start with Part One.

Title Card: What the hell is wrong with his arms? They look like toothpicks, or a girl’s arms.
He warns us to pay attention, because it might get confusing. Spoiler alert it doesn’t, he’s just warning his goldfish-minded fans about this stupid “split-timeline” plot he’s going to use.

0:25: “In the early 1990s, Super Mario World became an instant hit with gamers.” Here’s another thing I want to address, stop being vague with the timestamps. We can see when it came out.

0:31 - 0:39: “The game was so popular they made two more games.” Wow, so much wrong there already. One, Mario was already hugely popular when Super Mario World came out, it wasn’t just that game that inspired all the educational titles. Two, Nintendo only gave them the rights to work with Mario, they had nothing to do with the development.
By the way, he clearly states they’re educational games yet he keeps forgetting that.

0:43 - 0:54: Here he sets up the “plot”. He only has time to review one game and he should choose wisely, because it will effect the outcome of his day. Not sure how choosing which bad Mario game to play will “ruin your day” but I’m sure it will result in something unbelievably retarded.

0:56: Starts review of Mario is Missing (NES).

0:59: You have to love how his NES isn’t even plugged in.

1:03 - 1:15: EXPOSITION! Made even more boring by The Bores!

1:16: What did he just call them? Koopa Turtles? No one calls them that! They’re Koopa Troopas! Not once have they been called “Koopa Turtles.” He’s not a gamer people! Why do you buy this horseshit?

1:18 - 1:24: “You can’t get hurt by them? What kind of bullshit is this?” I thought you liked it when they went easy on you?

1:30 - 1:43: For some reason, he thinks Luigi has diplomatic immunity. I’m not sure how he came close to that conclusion, but then I realize why he made that statement. “I wonder if I can piss on public property” cutting to Luigi pissing on the street. Oh God this hurts. I’m not even two minutes in and I’m in pain.

1:45: “Koopa Turtle” Guh. He’s going to say this a lot isn’t he?

1:51 - 2:02: He tries to give the item back to the information desk, but is annoyed because you have to answer questions.
When I said earlier he keeps forgetting that this is an educational game, this is what I’m talking about. He keeps getting “angry” at the idea of answering questions. At this point, his anger is so forced that it’s unwatchable. *sighs* Moving on.

2:02 - 2:10: He notes that this game sucks and he should have picked the other game. Now you know why he did that weird “effect the outcome of my day” dilemma earlier. He’s doing a Sliding Doors-esque story. Now I understand what Irish Anon meant by “Sliding Bores”. Maybe Bores watched the movie and thought “I should make a review out of this! I’m such a genius writer derrrp.” Also explains the Monty Python references.

2:19: Starts “review” of Mario’s Time Machine.
Wait, I noticed something strange. After he announces the game, he bends down as if he was putting it in the NES. But his NES is on a shelf that isn’t on ground level.
You know, for someone that claims to be such a “great film director” he should be able to notice continuity errors like this! God!

2:24 - 2:37: More boring exposition. “A classic throwback to the original Mario Bros. game *shows footage*” Thank you Chris, I never would have figured it out unless you showed me.

2:38 - 3:04: Zzzzzzzz

3:05: Now for the segment where Chris Bores tries to prove he’s a gamer. He photoshops the in-game newspaper with “controversial” headlines about different characters and games.
- “RC Pro AM Scandal! Game Rigged!!” Translated from “I keep losing! This game sucks ass!”
- “Yoshi Murdered!” Oh, that’s pleasant.
- “Mega Man: Battling Cancer” Oh please, Robotenza is nothing like cancer. How much you want to bet that wasn’t a reference to Mega Man 10 but a “Durrr I’m wacky” joke?
- “Eggplant Wizard Accused of Rape” This furthers my theory that Chris Bores got all his knowledge from Captain N. Seriously, who cares about Eggplant Wizard? He wasn’t even good to be an assist trophy in Brawl, hell not even a prize trophy he’s just a sticker.

3:32: “Wrong location? Son of a bitch!” I’m acting!

3:57: After repeating all the steps with forced anger, he says this “I thought this game was supposed to be fun?” It’s educational, it’s never fun. Except for The Oregon Trail, that game is awesome.

4:09: Another lame newspaper gag (combined with Bores yelling “motherfucker” because he put the apple in the right place… yeah wrap your head around that one).
- “Paperboy Fired!!” Predictable.
- “Irate Gamer Pissed Again” Not funny.
- “Ms. Pacman Files for Divorce” Again not funny.
- “Donkey Kong Arrested on Barrel Throwing Assault Charges.” Okay, seriously?
All he does is reference popular arcade & NES games, this is the stuff that’s mentioned on bad crime dramas or sitcoms. If you want to make yourself look good, reference obscure titles or, better yet, DON’T PHOTOSHOP THE NEWSPAPER!

4:24: “They’ll start dropping items that are hard to figure out which time period they come from.” Oh God, did he really just say that? … I need a minute.
Okay. Let’s go.

4:40 - 4:45: He gets the wrong time period (because he’s stupid) and the bird takes away his item. His response? “I’ve got a bird for you right here!” *flips off TV*
I’m half way through part one, I’m halfway through part one, I’m halfway through part one, I’m…

4:46 - 4:57: Want proof we’re in Hell? Ronnie the Jew Skeleton shows up! He asks if he can watch but IG tells him to go away, so he does after calling him a grouch. Followed by a “laugh now stare.”

4:58: We return to Timeline 1 where he’s reviewing Mario is Missing. WOW! THIS IS CONFUSING! Along with some nice “Winter Games” action with the controller.

4:59 - 5:19: Zzzzzzzzzz

5:20 - 5:26: “If you manage not to hang yourself by the end of this game, then consider yourself a winner.” Sounds like the same challenge of watching your videos.

5:28 - 5:38: Ronnie appears (once again, clarifying we’re in Hell) and asks if he can watch. IG allows it and he stays. Showing once again that Chris Bores is a worse writer then M. Night Shyamalan.

5:46: “He can’t even hurt you! What a joke.” Why are you complaining? I thought you liked it when they took it easy on you.

5:52 - 6:02: He beats the game and is pissed off by the ending (what a shock) and whines that he wasted 3 hours playing this. Yes, 3 hours you could have been… uhhh… yeah don’t whine about it being a waste of time when you don’t have time to waste.

6:02 - 6:17: He takes the game out (without turning off the system HELLO), says it’s a piece of shit, and throws it at a metal bar labeled “gas line” breaking it. Wait what?

6:18: Returning to Timeline 2 where he’s playing Mario’s Time Machine without Jew Skeleton.

6:25: THEY’RE NOT TURTLES! KOOPA TROOPAS! YOU’RE A FRAUD! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

6:35 - 6:51: After getting another time period wrong, he becomes constipated, sees the bird taking his item and… oh God no. He takes out his Zapper, shoots the bird, and the Duck Hunt dog appears with it.
You know what, I’m going to need another minute.

6:55 - 7:15: He picks up a sledgehammer and declares that he knows where it goes. This prompts a reference to Peter Gabriel’s song Sledgehammer, so he goes to 1989 and places it there. Ending with ANOTHER NEWSPAPER GAG! These are fucking retarded!
- “Yoshi Murdered Again!” Why do you want to kill Yoshi? What did he do to you?
- “Mach Rider hits Mack Truck” I get the feeling he just looked up NES launch titles and picked the one that sounded cool. Just… ugh.
- “Sledgehammer Tour Back On!” This game has NOTHING to do with Peter Gabriel! According to GameFAQs, you go back to 1989 with the sledgehammer to take down the Berlin Wall. In fact, the song Sledgehammer come out 3 years prior to that. It wouldn’t make sense to start the tour after the WHY AM I OVERTHINKING THIS? Gaaaaah this is stupid STUPID STUPID STUPID!

7:21 - 7:36: He reaches the last part of the game, where he gets a pop quiz of all the info he learned. However he didn’t remember so he consults an old Nintendo Power magazine.
OHHH yeah, Nintendo Power would TOTALLY have the answers to an educational game. “This month’s Nintendo Power, learn how to get 100% on your SAT scores!”

7:37 - 7:50: After the quiz, he opens the door to a pointless gag! He edited a room to have like 15 Koopa Troopas, which somehow doesn’t cause the game to lag or flicker. Hmmm. Ending with a (un)funny face and “Naah I’m messing with you derp.” So NOW he admits it? Where was that in Aladdin?

Part One ends with him getting pissed that Yoshi was kidnapped (yeah, apparently he wants DETAILED backstory in his educational games), getting constipated while staring at the camera, takes out the game (without turning off the system AGAIN) and does throws the game at the gas line breaking it.

Hold on, why is the gas line in his room? What sort of idiot lives in a house like that? I mean, if a small piece of plastic can break it so easily, wouldn’t that be a cause for alarm? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! This is Uwe Boll level of “he just didn’t care!”
More evidence he doesn’t care? I can see the endings in both timelines coming. He broke the gas line in both situations, but in one Ronnie stayed and the other he left. Jeez, this is so unpredictable, I do wonder what will happen golly gee.

Sadly I have more, 7 more minutes of garbage with the SNES titles. This one has the comments enabled and reading them is like watching Western Civilization collapse before your very eyes. So… many… idiots. Drooling over bad jokes and cheap effects, unaware there exists real humor and good writing. THIS IS THE TWILIGHT GENERATION GAAAAAH *takes tranquilizers* I’m going to need a lot of these.

0:09: Starts review of the SNES Mario’s Time Machine.

0:13 - 0:27: Zzzzzz. This is only the beginning the video!

0:34 - 0:47: Here we see some VERY forced anger about the surfing stages. Followed by “Jumping Gigawatts!” You know, I get you’re referencing Back to the Future but did you have to pronounce it exactly like Doc Brown? You had to use the J-sound?

0:47 - 0:56: Bores stops and tries to figure what he’s smelling. It cuts back to the gas leak because his viewers are goldfish. He presumes it’s nothing and continues. So just to clarify, Chris Bores does not know what natural gas smells like.

0:58 - 1:05: Returning to Timeline 1 where he begins his review of the SNES Mario is Missing. YOU CONFUSED NOW? HUH HUH?

1:24 - 1:34: After talking about the warp pipes, he does a lame gag where Luigi shows up in his room. No point, just Family Guy-esque BLAM. God I hate this show.

1:40 - 1:51: More boring explanations followed by extremely forced anger at the info desk lady. Yes, blame the lady because you got the wrong answer, that makes sense.

1:51 - 1:57: Because he got the wrong answer, he brags that he always wanted Westminster Abbey and does a pointless cut of him sitting next to a 2D Sprite of it. Almost done with this guhhh.

2:07 - 2:21: Back to the “plot”, Bores notices the smell. Ronnie smells it too (I’m not sure how since he’s a skeleton and lacks not only a nose but basic bodily functions. Though Brook from One Piece can d- NO! I will not bring up the awesomeness of One Piece here. Even though it is a better topic then this terrible video). So Ronnie goes to fix it. A Jewish character fixing a gas leak… no that’s too easy. Bores continues to hammer in the “this is an alternate timeline” plot by saying “good thing he was here.” Yes we get it, you watched Sliding Doors.

2:36: “Pointless question answering.” … How many times must I tell you? EDUCATIONAL GAME!

By the way, can someone tell me if that Sistine Chapel question is really like that? I’ll be surprised if Bores didn’t do another stupid photoshop gag there.
Jeez how much longer is this?

3:00 - 3:16: Another pointless and unfunny interaction between IG and Ronnie. What’s that white stuff on his costume?

3:17: Returning to Timeline 2 and Mario’s Time Machine.

3:18 - 3:26: More zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

3:27: Oh wow, looks like Chris is diversifying his effects now. He’s using RED circles of Captain Obvious now!

3:43 - 3:56: More forced complaining! He notes that you can only continue if you fill out the history book, but if you don’t you’ll be told to leave. IG makes it sound that they do it in a very rude manner, even though the in-game text says otherwise. He then calls Newton “Sir Isaac Asshole” and a dick. Yes, cuss out the dead scientist that will really help you beat this game.

3:57 - 4:05: Here Bores once again shows that he has no idea what natural gas smells like. You don’t have to keep telling us, we already know you’re a moron.

4:06 - 4:43: Here he talks about the endings. He says there are only two, which is incorrect there are actually THREE endings. The worst being Bowser relaxing on a beach.

4:43 - 5:01: Just to remind us there’s a plot, he shows the gas leak again. He declares he’s going to burn the game and right as he activates the flame his house blows up. You know, I would be cheering that he died but the whole predictability of it and the piss-poor writing leading up to it just drained any pleasantness about it.

5:01: Retuning to Timeline 1 and HOPEFULLY ending the video soon.

5:11 - 5:17: After listing the countries, he ends up in Mexico with a character telling him to “give (him) your wallet”. He calls him a Bandito. Wow, that’s not racist at all. Does he just hate Mexicans?

5:33: “National Lampoon’s Luigi’s Vacation” Hello pointless movie reference.

So the video MERCIFULLY ends with Ronnie noting how fun it looks to go around the world (okay) and then Luigi shows (oh God) and they decide to go on a road trip. So the rest of the video is a montage of Chris, Ronnie, and Luigi going around the world. It’s like Chris & Scottie Road Trip, only with pictures, more stereotypes, and you don’t want to castrate yourself from the bad jokes.

*breathes in* THIS REVIEW SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Good lord was that awful. The premise was stupid, the jokes were predictable & unfunny, Ronnie was annoying, and the acting was so fucking forced. You’re getting pissy over educational games. That’s like playing Pajama Sam or Spy Fox and complaining that it’s too easy.
Really, the only realistic bad thing you can say is “They’re boring, educational games with misleading titles.” See, that’s why the AVGN’s video was only 9:30 minutes long, there’s really nothing to say about these games. You didn’t need 15 minutes of pointless jokes, sketches, or forced anger to convey that.

Speaking of AVGN, people are actually declaring IG’s review better in every way. Why? Because he played more of the game? What kind of logic is that?

*empties tranquilizer bottle* Well, that’s all I have to say for now. Until Bores releases another video (hopefully not bloopers for this one) I’m going to go play Final Fantasy V & VI.