Redux Recap: Ghosts, Goblins, Kids with Giant Legs, and an Unconvincing Halloween Mask

Welcome to another Redux Recap. Today we’ll be looking over the fifth review from The Bores, where he’ll introduce two really annoying and unnecessary characters that add nothing to the review. A trend he still does to this day. I’m going to skip over his “review” of The Sopranos Series Finale, because it just amounts to recycling the last scene of the show. That and “I like dis show, and dis show, but some finales suck. Also, Seinfeld’s finale was awesome don’t bash it.” I won’t say my piece about Seinfeld’s finale, so let’s watch his review of Ghosts N Goblins. And yes, Ghosts N Goblins is a classic. A hard son of a bitch that keeps you coming back for more, just so you can get that princess ass. The sequel Ghouls N Ghosts was better in every way, and Super Ghouls N Ghosts was even greater then that. So if the game actually sucked, those two wouldn’t exist. “Just because a game is hard, doesn’t mean it sucks!” Keep this in mind as we watch. 0:00 - 0:08: “When you think of one of the most hardest games for the NES, I guarantee Ghosts N Goblins is probably on your Top 5 List.” Oh boy, two instances of grammar failure right in the beginning. Most hardest? Come on you have to try better then that. And how can you guarantee something will probably happen? I mean wow that’s bad. 0:08 - 0:13: Cut to Bores telling us “we’re busting this game wide open!” Busting it? 0:13 - 0:32: Here he exposits the story. Ending with a cut to him saying “This is some heavy shit!” Yes, just as heavy as Super Mario Bros or any other game where you rescue a princess. BUT IT’S SATAN WOOOOO! 0:33 - 0:43: “Well, as long as he’s on his way down to Hell, can he take the movie Wicker Man starring Nicholas Cage along down with him? That movie was the biggest piece of shit I ever SAW!” What’s the point of this? What does The Wicker Man have anything to do with Ghosts N Goblins? Was he just being random and chose some notable bad movie? Give us a point Chris! 0:43 - 1:01: So he explains that you play as Arthur and you “slash” your way through six stages of enemies. So you equate throwing weapons as slashing? He notes the “downside” is that you get hit twice and die. This is called the challenge, not a downside. In fact, that’s one more hit then what most games gave back then. 1:02 - 1:18: He claims it shouldn’t be a problem, but there’s far too enemies on screen making it a problem to avoid. You know, I’d agree with this point except for one thing. Try to actually KILL the enemies, don’t run around like a thumb-less idiot! 1:18 - 1:36: He notes that getting hit will destroy our armor, leaving in your “tightie-whiteies.” Uhh, those are red. How the hell do you see white? “Your only hope is that the demons double over with laughter” … HA! He follows that saying this game is no laughing matter and does a pointless montage of “anger shots” that look more like constipation and he ends it by committing suicide with a Zapper. Sadly the video does not end there. 1:37 - 1:47: IG claims his biggest problem is the armor itself. He claims the armor should be durable enough to take more then one hit. *sighs* Again, it’s called a challenge. Obviously you can’t tell the difference between a real hard game and a fake hard game. 1:48 - 2:05: He shows the map screen while talking about how it appears after you lose a life. Why does it look so much different? He says that they do it to mock you (and to show if you reached a checkpoint) and suddenly… Oh no. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing the first of the Irate Gamers’ repertoire of stupid and pointless characters, Satan. Or as I like to call him, the Devil Bores. The Devil Bores is a very skilled ventriloquist, he can talk without moving his lips. He also partakes in one of the worst clichés out there, coughing after an evil laugh. God Bores is a horrible writer. 2:06 - 2:16: Wait, what the hell is this? Why does the game look cleaner, crisper, and overall better? Why is Bores getting hit without losing his armor? Why does his timer never go down? WHAT’S GOING ON? I still can’t believe he did this. Chris Bores sucks at the game so much, that he had to switch to the Arcade version and turn on God Mode. He couldn’t even beat Level One before doing this, that’s how much he sucks. This raises so many questions. Like, why would you review the game at all? You’re not even playing the NES version, you went on MAME and played the Arcade version. He claims he’s playing it on the Capcom Classics Collection, but I can’t find any codes that give you invincibility or unlimited time. It’s one thing to bad at a game, but how could you sink this low? The worst part? He doesn’t even mention that he’s playing a different version, he just switches to it hoping that nobody would notice. So, not only is he a moron but he expects his viewers to be just as stupid. Oh, he does mention in the description that he used a different version because the NES version didn’t have Game Genie codes (it hurts so much), but barely anyone on YouTube reads the description. Even when they’re told to they don’t read it. What does he actually say in those 10 seconds listed? That we pretty much have to cheat in order to get past level one. That should prove he’s not a gamer at all, how do people still believe him? You know, I’m tempted to just stop the video and post everything above this line. But I’m going to stay strong, I’m going to finish this shitty video. Relax *breathes in* and keep going. 2:17 - 2:37: He claims that nothing will help you from the “two hits and you’re dead bullshit” (actually there are armor refills that are rare) and wants something like the Mushrooms from Super Mario Bros, the Hearts from Castlevania, or the Power Pellets from Pac-Man. A lot of people misconstrue that line, they think Bores claims that hearts fill your health in Castlevania. What he’s actually saying is that GnG doesn’t have… actually I don’t know. The way he phrases that whole bit is really awkward, and it doesn’t help that he mentions “only getting two hits” and goes right into unrelated power-ups. I don’t know… Then he says the only other weapon you get is the fireball and that it sucks. Well that’s completely untrue, it works wonders against the dragon bosses. Also, there’s more then just the fireball, there’s also the dagger and the axe. I’m not even three minutes in to this garbage! 2:38 - 3:07: He switches back to the NES version (pick one and stay with it!) and that another annoying aspect are when the enemies drop bear statues (they’re actually armor that gives you points) and because all they do is give you points this “angers” him because… cue the quick cutting! He has to deal with *lists off every enemy in the game, and a pointless Star Wars reference* and that the points won’t matter in the end. Technically that is true, an NES game is all about beating it and not getting a high score. However, if you’re good at the game then getting enough points nets you an extra life. You know, like so many other games out there. 3:08 - 3:54: IG starts wondering what the intended age group for this game was. Oh God you have got to be kidding. Video games were still meant for kids back then, the ESRB wasn’t around to warn parents if they buy an ultra-violent game. But since this is about difficulty, then IT DOESN’T MATTER! A lot of games were ultra-hard back then, but were still intended for kids, rather all ages. Oh, but he’s not done. Bores invited his little Cousin Joey to come play the game. I bet your uncle is pretty angry that you’re bringing famil- OH MY GOD! Cousin Joey is just Bores wearing a baseball cap, shrunk to look like a kid, and has a high-pitched voice. Ladies & Gentlemen, the second extremely stupid character in the Irate Gamers’ repertoire of unnecessary bullshit. You have to love how Cousin Joey has gigantic legs, the kids at school must call him a freak. So *sighs* Joey plays the game, but since IG wants to make the game look worse then it really is, keeps jumping into enemies and doesn’t throw his weapon. Take note of the missing controller cord (obstructed by green screen) and the inept transition at the end. 3:54 - 4:00: “You’ll find that each level is harder then the next, if you can believe that.” *bangs head against wall* The stages after level one get harder? Pease tell me more wise god of gaming! Harder then the next? Don’t you mean harder then the last? You’re implying that it gets easier as the game progresses. 4:00 - 4:15: “One annoying thing are these annoying eyeball platforms” You couldn’t do another take of this line? I love how he has God Mode on and he still sucks at the game, including a cut where he just says “damn it” after dying. That was completely necessary and worth filming yourself. 4:15 - 4:41: IG reaches the end of Level Five and says that if you don’t get the Shield Weapon you’ll be forced to start from Level Four. Nooo, you’re starting from Level Five. You’re in front of the 4, meaning you beat the stage. If you were on Level Four you’d be behind it and in front of the 3. Again, I doubt he ever played this game as a kid. 4:41 - 5:07: He gets the shield and goes to fight the final boss. He defeats Satan (all while standing right next to him) and learns that he has to beat the game a second time. This causes the “Irate” Gamer to yell FUCK so loud that we can hear it outside. Rather he just says fuck in a normal tone of voice, increased the volume, and added an echo effect. The next Will Smith everyone, can’t even make an angry curse convincing! 5:08 - 5:14: Devil Bores returns to mock IG again, and Bores still thinks this is funny. 5:15 - 5:54: Here we enter montage mode, we watch Bores go through the game a second time in a very unconvincing manner. The Winter Games action is bad enough, but he’s using an NES controller and showing footage from the Arcade game. Just… no. Seriously, who plays games by placing their controller on the side of their head? Play any game the way Bores does, you’ll either die in an instant or never get far enough to meet an enemy. 5:54 - 6:07: He once again reaches Satan and kills him, combined with an unneeded Star Wars reference. That’s not the Death Star and you’re not Han Solo. I get the feeling he prefers Greedo shooting first. 6:07 - 6:33: Now for another incredibly idiotic part of this video. IG sees the ending text and notices it’s full of Engrish. He corrects it and is pissed off that they didn’t proofread it. I wouldn’t talk Mr. “Most Hardest Game”. He corrects “This Story is Happy End” to “This Story is a Happy Ending”. I think it’d make more sense to say “This Story has a Happy Ending.” So even when he’s trying to play teacher, he still fails. Isn’t it wonderful? 6:34 - 6:42: Devil Bores shows up AGAIN to mock him because he “can’t enjoy the ending” (ugggh let’s just finish this) and does the same “coughing after an evil laugh” joke while confessing that he has to quit smoking. That whole running gag culminating in a very predictable joke. To once again quote the Nostalgia Critic “Not Funny plus Not Funny equals NOT FUCKING FUNNY!” The video ends with Bores using his editing powers to create a fireball so he can jump cut the game out of frame. No wait, “destroy” the game. Good God this review sucks on every level. He doesn’t mention that you get unlimited continues and checkpoints, and the whole thing was “I suck at the game, so it’s the game’s fault.” Not to mention the introduction of Devil Bores, a character that was never funny but Bores keeps using for no reason. Every scene after is just random cutaways that serve no purpose to the review. I still don't understand why he chose to review this, he couldn't even get past Level One. It's only going to get worse from here. *sighs* Next Redux Recap, we watch him “review” another LJN title. One that’s more boring rather then unplayable. Until next time.