Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dante's Inferno: Chris Bores in The Retarded Comedy

Oh wow, The Bores is on a roll this month. A new “Neo” review at GottGame is up, this time for Dante’s Inferno. That’s a strange choice isn’t it?

First let’s look at the trailer for it.
We see Bores on camera (obviously not in character yet he still calls himself The Irate Gamer. What the hell?) telling us to go to GottGame. He’s shaking all over the place (ADHD?) and he keeps going “uhhhh”. Seriously, he has no presence in front of the camera. I can imagine him doing stand-up and choking so bad.
After some footage, we cut back to Bores telling us Part 3 of History of Video Games is coming up (I’m overjoyed with … nothing) and that putting it together has been a nightmare *cough*bullshit*cough*. He also mentions the first draft of the script is almost done.
You know, I should be used to Bores lying about how long his videos take, and yet I’m not. It still annoys me that he brags that his poorly-made videos take a long time with “tons of effort.” *sighs* Let’s just get to the actual review.

I haven’t played Dante’s Inferno and I have no interest in playing it, so I’ll have to ask my fans if there are any idiotic errors.

Intro: I guess he’s abandoned the theme song.

0:05 - 0:09: “Today we’re reviewing Dante’s Inferno” I still don’t get why he does this. He holds up the game while talking over a clip of himself. Is he trying to be like Still Gaming? Well he has stolen from countless other reviewers so it wouldn’t surprise me that Lee of Still Gaming was next.

0:10 - 0:18: This is all we’re going to get about the story, no mention that it’s loosely based off The Divine Comedy.

0:18 - 0:28: Says the controls are smooth and it’s entertaining. Why? He doesn’t tell us. Why did GottGame hire this dickhead? So they can get views to their shitty website. Kwing must be ashamed to be associated with Bores.

0:29: “If you read the book in the past” *holds back laughter* Sorry, the idea of Bores reading is hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

0:30 - 1:15: See the time listed? All spent gushing about the visuals and presentation. Did I mention Bores is a huge graphics whore?

1:15 - 1:30: He mentions that you fight a bunch of different enemies (God this is boring) ranging from small ones to really big ones. Cut to a giant demon roaring at Dante with Bores “quipping” “Yikes, back off there BUD-dy!” Ugggh stop talking to the game like it can hear you! It wasn’t funny when you did it in Resident Evil 5, and it’s not funny here!

1:31 - 1:40: “There are even puzzles! However they take some thought derp.” They look like the same puzzles from God of War, and those were easy.

1:41 - 2:02: Here we go, time for the nitpicky bullshit.
“Some of the levels were too short, and there wasn’t a lot of fighting.” Wait wait wait, are you giving actual problems with the game? Something’s not right…

2:03 - 2:23: Now he’s complaining about the story, that things were left out, and he had to watch the cartoon to get everything. Who cares about the story?

2:23 - 2:29: “Parents, this game does contain nudity so this game is not intended for kids” *smashes head against wall* Gee, what gave you that idea? The fucking M Rating on the front?
I’m sure parents go to YOU to see if a game is appropriate for their kids. It’s not like there exists websites devoted to telling you if a game is safe for kids or not OH WAIT THERE IS!
And what makes you think adults are watching and enjoying your bullshit? *sighs* Let’s just finish this.

The review ends with Bores saying that the game is an accurate retelling of the book (no it’s not!) and that it’s another Irate Pick (Again, adding Irate to something doesn’t make it special). But we have one more stupid joke to play us out, “Coming next time on the IG Neo show, another classic book turned into a game. The Grapes of Wrath!” combined with a hand-drawn picture of grapes flooding a city. Why? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WH- *gets slapped*

Sorry about that. Overall this was a boring review with very little parody material in it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go prepare myself for the next Redux Recap. His heinous Super Mario Bros. 2 review.

22 comments:

  1. He ruined my favorite book I read in school with that joke. For shame

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  2. I like the YouTube promo: "There's a new episode of the Irate Gamer, uh...., Neo" Seriously, he could do more than one take for these things. It's not that hard.

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  3. This is another example of one of those straightforward Irate Gamer Neo reviews with nothing really of consequence with something bizarre (Grapes of Wrath, Irate Shady, the list goes on) at the end out of nowhere. Why he does this I don't really know, but at least it's more dignified than wearing tin foil.

    Also, I like that he says if you've read the book "in the past" with his emphasis on the word "past," as if one could have read the book in the future. Again, classic Bores.

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  4. @ Zinger314
    Seriously, you'd think he could do multiple takes of that. He's not doing a direct upload with a webcam, he was using his camcorder and edited the whole thing. Yet he had to keep that cough?

    @ Justin Holmes
    The sad thing is that SWAG is actually a really good reviewer, it was just that one video he sucked in. Maybe Bores had a lot of creative control on that one?

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  5. at the start when he's doing a voiceover for no reason, why is he moving his shoulders back and forth, it looks almost as if he is trying to time it with his words

    also, lol@informing parents that the game contains nudity, the way he says it makes it sound like it would be a kids game if it didn't

    once again, I did not understand how one of his jokes was supposed to be funny(the grapes of wrath)

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  6. I wrote Chris on Youtube, asking why he does his reviews, when nobody seems to like him

    And his response was:

    "Ch Ching!"

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  7. @ the guy above me

    Pics or it didn't happen!!!

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  8. Anyone who has done research, played the game or even seen the screenshots could tell that Dante's Inferno is NOT accurate in anyway to the original tale. The Dante of the Divine Comedy did not run around Hell cutting down demons with magic and a scythe, nor was he a veteran of any of the crusades. The only thing it has in common with the original poem is the titular character's name and the setting.

    Seriously, this is the extent of his research and knowledge? Proclaiming this game is accurate to one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written in history? How disgusting.

    My apologies to the late Dante Alighieri. Don't let it bother you Mr. Alighieri, this hack doesn't represent all of us in the gaming community.

    You suck Bores.

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  9. @ Anon (March 31st 10:56 PM)
    I'm going to ask for a screencap as well.
    Though it is kind of obvious greed is his only motivation these days.

    @ Kama
    The game is the very definition of "In Name Only". All it did was take the name and put it into their half-assed God of War clone (at least I hear it's half-assed).

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  10. To the poster who wanted a pic:

    http://i41.tinypic.com/10pq1yt.jpg

    The "Great Show" title was just so i could get him to open it, because i figured if i used "Your Show Sucks" as a title, he probably wouldn't have opened it.

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  11. @Anon (March 31, 11:23):
    Great job man! Now we finally have prove that he's only doing it for money! We MUST let the people know!

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  12. If he read the divine comedy in college, and the game is an accurate retelling of the book, then why did he have to watch a cartoon to understand what was going on? Im so confused:( By the way I offer the preview for this review to anyone studying psychology as a classic case of denial " Uhhhh * twitches* well, i uhh, i been working hard on the next review, and uuh, itll be released, um, april * COUGH COUGH COUGH*

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  13. A minor gripe but, the Divine Comedy has always been referred to as a poem and not a book. It's forgiveable to call it a book but he doesn't say 'the book The Divine Comedy', implying that it's called 'Dante's Inferno' which is wrong. 'Inferno' is the first part of The Divine Comedy, like a chapter (in lack of a better analogy.) Oh... and being amazed what artistic direction the developers has taken? Like having barely anything concrete to do with the book, that direction? It's akin to claiming The Crow as an faithful adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven.

    However the claim that he has read it is far more ludicrous. The Divine Comedy was a >POEM< written 700 years ago by an Italian, to put it simple: even translated into modern English it's a fucking chore just to read it let alone finish it, something I highly doubt Bores could.

    And now what he said about the game that really bothered: that there's not enough fights.Are you fucking kidding me? The game keeps reusing the same hard-to-kill enemies over and over so you are constantly fighting the same boring fights over and over.

    Oh and tons of hellish creatures? It's almost like he's in... gee, I dunno, HELL!!!

    I like how he warns parents not to buy this game because it has nudity in it. The way he says this in his normal boring monotone voice
    implies:
    1. This game is targeted for kids
    2.If this game had no nudity it would be suitable for kids
    3.Horrible violence, images of screaming bloody damned in hell etc. is suitable for kids

    I like how he doesn't even utter a syllable about the saving/damning souls, a sort of 'moral choice' system in which you get points to fill up a skill tree.

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  14. The 'Grapes of Wrath' joke feels like it was stolen from The Simpsons.

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  15. @ Irish Anon
    That's a good point, if he read the original poem (which he didn't say was a poem) then why did he need to see the cartoon? Of course, the game is In Name Only so... yeah

    Again, he didn't do a webcam upload. He did post-production on that update video. He couldn't find another take that didn't have that cough?

    @ Anon (April 1st 5:50 AM)
    *claps* Nice work on debunking yet another lie from Bores.
    Since most of the review was about the graphics, do you think he'd even notice gameplay elements like that?

    @ Jarv156
    Yeah, and they did it better.
    Nelson: Here are the grapes, and here's the wrath! *smashes grapes with a mallet* Short, simple, and to the point.

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  16. Well, everything has been said.

    I'm surprised Bores didn't make an unfunny joke with the Devil, or show a topless Beatrice while saying "Oh yeah, this is getting hot!".

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  17. Bore's read the Divine comedy in collage?
    I'm sorry... he went to collage at all?!

    These Neo reviews have more in common with Guru larry's gameplay.co.uk trailers. Shit, maybe he's even ripping them off ;)

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  18. I still find it funny that after he described the game for what it is - a trip to hell and lots of gore - he says that because of NUDITY it is not meant for kids. God, I find that logic of yours funny, Chris.
    The puzzles are hard? Lol.
    Not enough fights? I guess legit reviewers who have said that there are too many fights are just weaklings. Not like you Chris, eh?

    Oh, the third episode of HOV is coming soon? Nice, I presume that we see it when the series celebrates its 1 year anniversary.

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  19. I dont care if Bores is doing it for the money, a lot of other reviewers might be doing it for the same reason, and it encourages good reviews. My problem is that there are probably more qualified reviewers living in their mothers basement right now than Bores. Also the fact that he's unoriginal, i'm sure there are other more deserving people out there. GotGame needed an answer to AVGN and they got Bores, im sure they'd drop his ass in a minute to get Rolfe

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  20. I like the "not enough fights" thing because that implies he doesn't think it's challenging enough. And I think we all know how he feels about games challenging him.

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  21. You missed some really obvious shit here. Like when he complains about Bowser not being the main enemy in the game. It's one of the things that best shows that he never actually played any of these games until after the fact.

    When you picked up SMB2, there was absolutely no reason to expect King Koopa to be the boss, because SMB1 was his first appearance, and you killed him at the end of the game. It makes FAR more sense to have a different enemy than a new one. It's only after years of becoming accustomed to the "Mario vs. Bowser" theme that SMB2 seems out of place.

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