*sighs* I don’t want to do this episode. I really don’t.
It wasn’t Aladdin bad but it was still bad. The thing that’s getting me is all the retarded fan boys saying “this is your best episode ever!” and laughing at jokes that even Family Guy would reject. In fact, there’s very little hate in his comments. Why? Did he block everyone that left a hate comment on his trailer video?
Okay, calm down. Let’s just get this over with. His “reviews” of Mario is Missing and Mario’s Time Machine.
Just for clarification, yes the AVGN did review these games last year. Back then his review was just average, but now it’s 1000x times better. You’ll see why.
Let’s start with Part One.
Title Card: What the hell is wrong with his arms? They look like toothpicks, or a girl’s arms.
He warns us to pay attention, because it might get confusing. Spoiler alert it doesn’t, he’s just warning his goldfish-minded fans about this stupid “split-timeline” plot he’s going to use.
0:25: “In the early 1990s, Super Mario World became an instant hit with gamers.” Here’s another thing I want to address, stop being vague with the timestamps. We can see when it came out.
0:31 - 0:39: “The game was so popular they made two more games.” Wow, so much wrong there already. One, Mario was already hugely popular when Super Mario World came out, it wasn’t just that game that inspired all the educational titles. Two, Nintendo only gave them the rights to work with Mario, they had nothing to do with the development.
By the way, he clearly states they’re educational games yet he keeps forgetting that.
0:43 - 0:54: Here he sets up the “plot”. He only has time to review one game and he should choose wisely, because it will effect the outcome of his day. Not sure how choosing which bad Mario game to play will “ruin your day” but I’m sure it will result in something unbelievably retarded.
0:56: Starts review of Mario is Missing (NES).
0:59: You have to love how his NES isn’t even plugged in.
1:03 - 1:15: EXPOSITION! Made even more boring by The Bores!
1:16: What did he just call them? Koopa Turtles? No one calls them that! They’re Koopa Troopas! Not once have they been called “Koopa Turtles.” He’s not a gamer people! Why do you buy this horseshit?
1:18 - 1:24: “You can’t get hurt by them? What kind of bullshit is this?” I thought you liked it when they went easy on you?
1:30 - 1:43: For some reason, he thinks Luigi has diplomatic immunity. I’m not sure how he came close to that conclusion, but then I realize why he made that statement. “I wonder if I can piss on public property” cutting to Luigi pissing on the street. Oh God this hurts. I’m not even two minutes in and I’m in pain.
1:45: “Koopa Turtle” Guh. He’s going to say this a lot isn’t he?
1:51 - 2:02: He tries to give the item back to the information desk, but is annoyed because you have to answer questions.
When I said earlier he keeps forgetting that this is an educational game, this is what I’m talking about. He keeps getting “angry” at the idea of answering questions. At this point, his anger is so forced that it’s unwatchable. *sighs* Moving on.
2:02 - 2:10: He notes that this game sucks and he should have picked the other game. Now you know why he did that weird “effect the outcome of my day” dilemma earlier. He’s doing a Sliding Doors-esque story. Now I understand what Irish Anon meant by “Sliding Bores”. Maybe Bores watched the movie and thought “I should make a review out of this! I’m such a genius writer derrrp.” Also explains the Monty Python references.
2:19: Starts “review” of Mario’s Time Machine.
Wait, I noticed something strange. After he announces the game, he bends down as if he was putting it in the NES. But his NES is on a shelf that isn’t on ground level.
You know, for someone that claims to be such a “great film director” he should be able to notice continuity errors like this! God!
2:24 - 2:37: More boring exposition. “A classic throwback to the original Mario Bros. game *shows footage*” Thank you Chris, I never would have figured it out unless you showed me.
2:38 - 3:04: Zzzzzzzz
3:05: Now for the segment where Chris Bores tries to prove he’s a gamer. He photoshops the in-game newspaper with “controversial” headlines about different characters and games.
- “RC Pro AM Scandal! Game Rigged!!” Translated from “I keep losing! This game sucks ass!”
- “Yoshi Murdered!” Oh, that’s pleasant.
- “Mega Man: Battling Cancer” Oh please, Robotenza is nothing like cancer. How much you want to bet that wasn’t a reference to Mega Man 10 but a “Durrr I’m wacky” joke?
- “Eggplant Wizard Accused of Rape” This furthers my theory that Chris Bores got all his knowledge from Captain N. Seriously, who cares about Eggplant Wizard? He wasn’t even good to be an assist trophy in Brawl, hell not even a prize trophy he’s just a sticker.
3:32: “Wrong location? Son of a bitch!” I’m acting!
3:57: After repeating all the steps with forced anger, he says this “I thought this game was supposed to be fun?” It’s educational, it’s never fun. Except for The Oregon Trail, that game is awesome.
4:09: Another lame newspaper gag (combined with Bores yelling “motherfucker” because he put the apple in the right place… yeah wrap your head around that one).
- “Paperboy Fired!!” Predictable.
- “Irate Gamer Pissed Again” Not funny.
- “Ms. Pacman Files for Divorce” Again not funny.
- “Donkey Kong Arrested on Barrel Throwing Assault Charges.” Okay, seriously?
All he does is reference popular arcade & NES games, this is the stuff that’s mentioned on bad crime dramas or sitcoms. If you want to make yourself look good, reference obscure titles or, better yet, DON’T PHOTOSHOP THE NEWSPAPER!
4:24: “They’ll start dropping items that are hard to figure out which time period they come from.” Oh God, did he really just say that? … I need a minute.
Okay. Let’s go.
4:40 - 4:45: He gets the wrong time period (because he’s stupid) and the bird takes away his item. His response? “I’ve got a bird for you right here!” *flips off TV*
I’m half way through part one, I’m halfway through part one, I’m halfway through part one, I’m…
4:46 - 4:57: Want proof we’re in Hell? Ronnie the Jew Skeleton shows up! He asks if he can watch but IG tells him to go away, so he does after calling him a grouch. Followed by a “laugh now stare.”
4:58: We return to Timeline 1 where he’s reviewing Mario is Missing. WOW! THIS IS CONFUSING! Along with some nice “Winter Games” action with the controller.
4:59 - 5:19: Zzzzzzzzzz
5:20 - 5:26: “If you manage not to hang yourself by the end of this game, then consider yourself a winner.” Sounds like the same challenge of watching your videos.
5:28 - 5:38: Ronnie appears (once again, clarifying we’re in Hell) and asks if he can watch. IG allows it and he stays. Showing once again that Chris Bores is a worse writer then M. Night Shyamalan.
5:46: “He can’t even hurt you! What a joke.” Why are you complaining? I thought you liked it when they took it easy on you.
5:52 - 6:02: He beats the game and is pissed off by the ending (what a shock) and whines that he wasted 3 hours playing this. Yes, 3 hours you could have been… uhhh… yeah don’t whine about it being a waste of time when you don’t have time to waste.
6:02 - 6:17: He takes the game out (without turning off the system HELLO), says it’s a piece of shit, and throws it at a metal bar labeled “gas line” breaking it. Wait what?
6:18: Returning to Timeline 2 where he’s playing Mario’s Time Machine without Jew Skeleton.
6:25: THEY’RE NOT TURTLES! KOOPA TROOPAS! YOU’RE A FRAUD! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
6:35 - 6:51: After getting another time period wrong, he becomes constipated, sees the bird taking his item and… oh God no. He takes out his Zapper, shoots the bird, and the Duck Hunt dog appears with it.
You know what, I’m going to need another minute.
6:55 - 7:15: He picks up a sledgehammer and declares that he knows where it goes. This prompts a reference to Peter Gabriel’s song Sledgehammer, so he goes to 1989 and places it there. Ending with ANOTHER NEWSPAPER GAG! These are fucking retarded!
- “Yoshi Murdered Again!” Why do you want to kill Yoshi? What did he do to you?
- “Mach Rider hits Mack Truck” I get the feeling he just looked up NES launch titles and picked the one that sounded cool. Just… ugh.
- “Sledgehammer Tour Back On!” This game has NOTHING to do with Peter Gabriel! According to GameFAQs, you go back to 1989 with the sledgehammer to take down the Berlin Wall. In fact, the song Sledgehammer come out 3 years prior to that. It wouldn’t make sense to start the tour after the WHY AM I OVERTHINKING THIS? Gaaaaah this is stupid STUPID STUPID STUPID!
7:21 - 7:36: He reaches the last part of the game, where he gets a pop quiz of all the info he learned. However he didn’t remember so he consults an old Nintendo Power magazine.
OHHH yeah, Nintendo Power would TOTALLY have the answers to an educational game. “This month’s Nintendo Power, learn how to get 100% on your SAT scores!”
7:37 - 7:50: After the quiz, he opens the door to a pointless gag! He edited a room to have like 15 Koopa Troopas, which somehow doesn’t cause the game to lag or flicker. Hmmm. Ending with a (un)funny face and “Naah I’m messing with you derp.” So NOW he admits it? Where was that in Aladdin?
Part One ends with him getting pissed that Yoshi was kidnapped (yeah, apparently he wants DETAILED backstory in his educational games), getting constipated while staring at the camera, takes out the game (without turning off the system AGAIN) and does throws the game at the gas line breaking it.
Hold on, why is the gas line in his room? What sort of idiot lives in a house like that? I mean, if a small piece of plastic can break it so easily, wouldn’t that be a cause for alarm? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! This is Uwe Boll level of “he just didn’t care!”
More evidence he doesn’t care? I can see the endings in both timelines coming. He broke the gas line in both situations, but in one Ronnie stayed and the other he left. Jeez, this is so unpredictable, I do wonder what will happen golly gee.
Sadly I have more, 7 more minutes of garbage with the SNES titles. This one has the comments enabled and reading them is like watching Western Civilization collapse before your very eyes. So… many… idiots. Drooling over bad jokes and cheap effects, unaware there exists real humor and good writing. THIS IS THE TWILIGHT GENERATION GAAAAAH *takes tranquilizers* I’m going to need a lot of these.
0:09: Starts review of the SNES Mario’s Time Machine.
0:13 - 0:27: Zzzzzz. This is only the beginning the video!
0:34 - 0:47: Here we see some VERY forced anger about the surfing stages. Followed by “Jumping Gigawatts!” You know, I get you’re referencing Back to the Future but did you have to pronounce it exactly like Doc Brown? You had to use the J-sound?
0:47 - 0:56: Bores stops and tries to figure what he’s smelling. It cuts back to the gas leak because his viewers are goldfish. He presumes it’s nothing and continues. So just to clarify, Chris Bores does not know what natural gas smells like.
0:58 - 1:05: Returning to Timeline 1 where he begins his review of the SNES Mario is Missing. YOU CONFUSED NOW? HUH HUH?
1:24 - 1:34: After talking about the warp pipes, he does a lame gag where Luigi shows up in his room. No point, just Family Guy-esque BLAM. God I hate this show.
1:40 - 1:51: More boring explanations followed by extremely forced anger at the info desk lady. Yes, blame the lady because you got the wrong answer, that makes sense.
1:51 - 1:57: Because he got the wrong answer, he brags that he always wanted Westminster Abbey and does a pointless cut of him sitting next to a 2D Sprite of it. Almost done with this guhhh.
2:07 - 2:21: Back to the “plot”, Bores notices the smell. Ronnie smells it too (I’m not sure how since he’s a skeleton and lacks not only a nose but basic bodily functions. Though Brook from One Piece can d- NO! I will not bring up the awesomeness of One Piece here. Even though it is a better topic then this terrible video). So Ronnie goes to fix it. A Jewish character fixing a gas leak… no that’s too easy. Bores continues to hammer in the “this is an alternate timeline” plot by saying “good thing he was here.” Yes we get it, you watched Sliding Doors.
2:36: “Pointless question answering.” … How many times must I tell you? EDUCATIONAL GAME!
By the way, can someone tell me if that Sistine Chapel question is really like that? I’ll be surprised if Bores didn’t do another stupid photoshop gag there.
Jeez how much longer is this?
3:00 - 3:16: Another pointless and unfunny interaction between IG and Ronnie. What’s that white stuff on his costume?
3:17: Returning to Timeline 2 and Mario’s Time Machine.
3:18 - 3:26: More zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
3:27: Oh wow, looks like Chris is diversifying his effects now. He’s using RED circles of Captain Obvious now!
3:43 - 3:56: More forced complaining! He notes that you can only continue if you fill out the history book, but if you don’t you’ll be told to leave. IG makes it sound that they do it in a very rude manner, even though the in-game text says otherwise. He then calls Newton “Sir Isaac Asshole” and a dick. Yes, cuss out the dead scientist that will really help you beat this game.
3:57 - 4:05: Here Bores once again shows that he has no idea what natural gas smells like. You don’t have to keep telling us, we already know you’re a moron.
4:06 - 4:43: Here he talks about the endings. He says there are only two, which is incorrect there are actually THREE endings. The worst being Bowser relaxing on a beach.
4:43 - 5:01: Just to remind us there’s a plot, he shows the gas leak again. He declares he’s going to burn the game and right as he activates the flame his house blows up. You know, I would be cheering that he died but the whole predictability of it and the piss-poor writing leading up to it just drained any pleasantness about it.
5:01: Retuning to Timeline 1 and HOPEFULLY ending the video soon.
5:11 - 5:17: After listing the countries, he ends up in Mexico with a character telling him to “give (him) your wallet”. He calls him a Bandito. Wow, that’s not racist at all. Does he just hate Mexicans?
5:33: “National Lampoon’s Luigi’s Vacation” Hello pointless movie reference.
So the video MERCIFULLY ends with Ronnie noting how fun it looks to go around the world (okay) and then Luigi shows (oh God) and they decide to go on a road trip. So the rest of the video is a montage of Chris, Ronnie, and Luigi going around the world. It’s like Chris & Scottie Road Trip, only with pictures, more stereotypes, and you don’t want to castrate yourself from the bad jokes.
*breathes in* THIS REVIEW SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Good lord was that awful. The premise was stupid, the jokes were predictable & unfunny, Ronnie was annoying, and the acting was so fucking forced. You’re getting pissy over educational games. That’s like playing Pajama Sam or Spy Fox and complaining that it’s too easy.
Really, the only realistic bad thing you can say is “They’re boring, educational games with misleading titles.” See, that’s why the AVGN’s video was only 9:30 minutes long, there’s really nothing to say about these games. You didn’t need 15 minutes of pointless jokes, sketches, or forced anger to convey that.
Speaking of AVGN, people are actually declaring IG’s review better in every way. Why? Because he played more of the game? What kind of logic is that?
*empties tranquilizer bottle* Well, that’s all I have to say for now. Until Bores releases another video (hopefully not bloopers for this one) I’m going to go play Final Fantasy V & VI.