Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Redux Recap: Ghosts, Goblins, Kids with Giant Legs, and an Unconvincing Halloween Mask

Welcome to another Redux Recap. Today we’ll be looking over the fifth review from The Bores, where he’ll introduce two really annoying and unnecessary characters that add nothing to the review. A trend he still does to this day.

I’m going to skip over his “review” of The Sopranos Series Finale, because it just amounts to recycling the last scene of the show. That and “I like dis show, and dis show, but some finales suck. Also, Seinfeld’s finale was awesome don’t bash it.” I won’t say my piece about Seinfeld’s finale, so let’s watch his review of Ghosts N Goblins.

And yes, Ghosts N Goblins is a classic. A hard son of a bitch that keeps you coming back for more, just so you can get that princess ass. The sequel Ghouls N Ghosts was better in every way, and Super Ghouls N Ghosts was even greater then that. So if the game actually sucked, those two wouldn’t exist.
“Just because a game is hard, doesn’t mean it sucks!” Keep this in mind as we watch.

0:00 - 0:08: “When you think of one of the most hardest games for the NES, I guarantee Ghosts N Goblins is probably on your Top 5 List.” Oh boy, two instances of grammar failure right in the beginning.
Most hardest? Come on you have to try better then that. And how can you guarantee something will probably happen? I mean wow that’s bad.

0:08 - 0:13: Cut to Bores telling us “we’re busting this game wide open!” Busting it?

0:13 - 0:32: Here he exposits the story. Ending with a cut to him saying “This is some heavy shit!” Yes, just as heavy as Super Mario Bros or any other game where you rescue a princess.
BUT IT’S SATAN WOOOOO!

0:33 - 0:43: “Well, as long as he’s on his way down to Hell, can he take the movie Wicker Man starring Nicholas Cage along down with him? That movie was the biggest piece of shit I ever SAW!”
What’s the point of this? What does The Wicker Man have anything to do with Ghosts N Goblins? Was he just being random and chose some notable bad movie? Give us a point Chris!

0:43 - 1:01: So he explains that you play as Arthur and you “slash” your way through six stages of enemies. So you equate throwing weapons as slashing?
He notes the “downside” is that you get hit twice and die. This is called the challenge, not a downside. In fact, that’s one more hit then what most games gave back then.

1:02 - 1:18: He claims it shouldn’t be a problem, but there’s far too enemies on screen making it a problem to avoid.
You know, I’d agree with this point except for one thing. Try to actually KILL the enemies, don’t run around like a thumb-less idiot!

1:18 - 1:36: He notes that getting hit will destroy our armor, leaving in your “tightie-whiteies.” Uhh, those are red. How the hell do you see white?
“Your only hope is that the demons double over with laughter” … HA!
He follows that saying this game is no laughing matter and does a pointless montage of “anger shots” that look more like constipation and he ends it by committing suicide with a Zapper. Sadly the video does not end there.

1:37 - 1:47: IG claims his biggest problem is the armor itself. He claims the armor should be durable enough to take more then one hit.
*sighs* Again, it’s called a challenge. Obviously you can’t tell the difference between a real hard game and a fake hard game.

1:48 - 2:05: He shows the map screen while talking about how it appears after you lose a life. Why does it look so much different? He says that they do it to mock you (and to show if you reached a checkpoint) and suddenly… Oh no.
Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing the first of the Irate Gamers’ repertoire of stupid and pointless characters, Satan. Or as I like to call him, the Devil Bores.
The Devil Bores is a very skilled ventriloquist, he can talk without moving his lips. He also partakes in one of the worst clichés out there, coughing after an evil laugh. God Bores is a horrible writer.

2:06 - 2:16: Wait, what the hell is this? Why does the game look cleaner, crisper, and overall better? Why is Bores getting hit without losing his armor? Why does his timer never go down? WHAT’S GOING ON?
I still can’t believe he did this. Chris Bores sucks at the game so much, that he had to switch to the Arcade version and turn on God Mode. He couldn’t even beat Level One before doing this, that’s how much he sucks.

This raises so many questions. Like, why would you review the game at all? You’re not even playing the NES version, you went on MAME and played the Arcade version. He claims he’s playing it on the Capcom Classics Collection, but I can’t find any codes that give you invincibility or unlimited time.
It’s one thing to bad at a game, but how could you sink this low?

The worst part? He doesn’t even mention that he’s playing a different version, he just switches to it hoping that nobody would notice. So, not only is he a moron but he expects his viewers to be just as stupid. Oh, he does mention in the description that he used a different version because the NES version didn’t have Game Genie codes (it hurts so much), but barely anyone on YouTube reads the description. Even when they’re told to they don’t read it.

What does he actually say in those 10 seconds listed? That we pretty much have to cheat in order to get past level one. That should prove he’s not a gamer at all, how do people still believe him?

You know, I’m tempted to just stop the video and post everything above this line. But I’m going to stay strong, I’m going to finish this shitty video. Relax *breathes in* and keep going.

2:17 - 2:37: He claims that nothing will help you from the “two hits and you’re dead bullshit” (actually there are armor refills that are rare) and wants something like the Mushrooms from Super Mario Bros, the Hearts from Castlevania, or the Power Pellets from Pac-Man.
A lot of people misconstrue that line, they think Bores claims that hearts fill your health in Castlevania. What he’s actually saying is that GnG doesn’t have… actually I don’t know. The way he phrases that whole bit is really awkward, and it doesn’t help that he mentions “only getting two hits” and goes right into unrelated power-ups. I don’t know…

Then he says the only other weapon you get is the fireball and that it sucks. Well that’s completely untrue, it works wonders against the dragon bosses. Also, there’s more then just the fireball, there’s also the dagger and the axe. I’m not even three minutes in to this garbage!

2:38 - 3:07: He switches back to the NES version (pick one and stay with it!) and that another annoying aspect are when the enemies drop bear statues (they’re actually armor that gives you points) and because all they do is give you points this “angers” him because… cue the quick cutting!
He has to deal with *lists off every enemy in the game, and a pointless Star Wars reference* and that the points won’t matter in the end.
Technically that is true, an NES game is all about beating it and not getting a high score. However, if you’re good at the game then getting enough points nets you an extra life. You know, like so many other games out there.

3:08 - 3:54: IG starts wondering what the intended age group for this game was. Oh God you have got to be kidding. Video games were still meant for kids back then, the ESRB wasn’t around to warn parents if they buy an ultra-violent game. But since this is about difficulty, then IT DOESN’T MATTER! A lot of games were ultra-hard back then, but were still intended for kids, rather all ages.

Oh, but he’s not done. Bores invited his little Cousin Joey to come play the game. I bet your uncle is pretty angry that you’re bringing famil- OH MY GOD! Cousin Joey is just Bores wearing a baseball cap, shrunk to look like a kid, and has a high-pitched voice. Ladies & Gentlemen, the second extremely stupid character in the Irate Gamers’ repertoire of unnecessary bullshit. You have to love how Cousin Joey has gigantic legs, the kids at school must call him a freak.

So *sighs* Joey plays the game, but since IG wants to make the game look worse then it really is, keeps jumping into enemies and doesn’t throw his weapon. Take note of the missing controller cord (obstructed by green screen) and the inept transition at the end.

3:54 - 4:00: “You’ll find that each level is harder then the next, if you can believe that.” *bangs head against wall* The stages after level one get harder? Pease tell me more wise god of gaming!
Harder then the next? Don’t you mean harder then the last? You’re implying that it gets easier as the game progresses.

4:00 - 4:15: “One annoying thing are these annoying eyeball platforms” You couldn’t do another take of this line?
I love how he has God Mode on and he still sucks at the game, including a cut where he just says “damn it” after dying. That was completely necessary and worth filming yourself.

4:15 - 4:41: IG reaches the end of Level Five and says that if you don’t get the Shield Weapon you’ll be forced to start from Level Four. Nooo, you’re starting from Level Five. You’re in front of the 4, meaning you beat the stage. If you were on Level Four you’d be behind it and in front of the 3.
Again, I doubt he ever played this game as a kid.

4:41 - 5:07: He gets the shield and goes to fight the final boss. He defeats Satan (all while standing right next to him) and learns that he has to beat the game a second time. This causes the “Irate” Gamer to yell FUCK so loud that we can hear it outside. Rather he just says fuck in a normal tone of voice, increased the volume, and added an echo effect. The next Will Smith everyone, can’t even make an angry curse convincing!

5:08 - 5:14: Devil Bores returns to mock IG again, and Bores still thinks this is funny.

5:15 - 5:54: Here we enter montage mode, we watch Bores go through the game a second time in a very unconvincing manner. The Winter Games action is bad enough, but he’s using an NES controller and showing footage from the Arcade game. Just… no.
Seriously, who plays games by placing their controller on the side of their head? Play any game the way Bores does, you’ll either die in an instant or never get far enough to meet an enemy.

5:54 - 6:07: He once again reaches Satan and kills him, combined with an unneeded Star Wars reference. That’s not the Death Star and you’re not Han Solo. I get the feeling he prefers Greedo shooting first.

6:07 - 6:33: Now for another incredibly idiotic part of this video.
IG sees the ending text and notices it’s full of Engrish. He corrects it and is pissed off that they didn’t proofread it.
I wouldn’t talk Mr. “Most Hardest Game”.
He corrects “This Story is Happy End” to “This Story is a Happy Ending”. I think it’d make more sense to say “This Story has a Happy Ending.” So even when he’s trying to play teacher, he still fails. Isn’t it wonderful?

6:34 - 6:42: Devil Bores shows up AGAIN to mock him because he “can’t enjoy the ending” (ugggh let’s just finish this) and does the same “coughing after an evil laugh” joke while confessing that he has to quit smoking.
That whole running gag culminating in a very predictable joke. To once again quote the Nostalgia Critic “Not Funny plus Not Funny equals NOT FUCKING FUNNY!”

The video ends with Bores using his editing powers to create a fireball so he can jump cut the game out of frame. No wait, “destroy” the game.

Good God this review sucks on every level. He doesn’t mention that you get unlimited continues and checkpoints, and the whole thing was “I suck at the game, so it’s the game’s fault.”
Not to mention the introduction of Devil Bores, a character that was never funny but Bores keeps using for no reason. Every scene after is just random cutaways that serve no purpose to the review.

I still don't understand why he chose to review this, he couldn't even get past Level One. It's only going to get worse from here.

*sighs* Next Redux Recap, we watch him “review” another LJN title. One that’s more boring rather then unplayable. Until next time.

41 comments:

  1. I've always thought that the "This story isa happy ending" is the most ironic thing ever produced by him.

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  2. You're right BatDan, Ghosts'N Goblins is a classic. It is hard, but in a good way. Love the theme of this game.

    I don't understand why Bores used footage from the NES version WITH footage from the Arcade version. Are his fans so dumb that they can't see the difference?

    Oh, and I love how Bores is trying to look "serious" during his second playthrough, even though he is invincible. Because jumping on platforms and walking from left to right is so HARD!

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  3. The thing that really grinds me about the devil Bores and Ronnie is that they are really only Halloween characters, so why do they keep apparing? Can't Bores get some other costumes?

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  4. Ghosts N' Goblins is one of the most difficult games to come out for the NES, which alot of old school gamers know this, but the 12 year old Irate Gamer fanboys probably never heard of it, so I'll give Bores credit for reviewing this game.

    However Bores ruined his momment by switching back and forth between the NES game and the Arcade game. When Bores had it on god mode he didn't even try to dodge the enemies he would plow right though, he might as well just watch a walkthough of Ghosts N' Goblins on YouTube. Devil Bores was at least relevant to the video, but Cousin Joey added NOTHING to the review, seriously he was 40 seconds padding for the video, if there was a joke in there I didn't see it, he was as worthless as a LJN poster (my apologies to the Nerd). And remember in the last review Bores figured out what direction he was going to take the show? What direction is is that you say? Family Guy humor... Last episode it was that stupid Urkel joke, this episode it was that horrible Wickerman joke.

    When he killed the final boss he says "now let's blow this thing and go home"... now I'm baffled... I know he is a Star Wars fan (or tries to pose as one) but that quote MAKES NO SENSE!!! I mean if he was playing Defender, or R-Type that quote might have worked, but this is Ghosts N' Goblins!!! That quote makes as much sense as saying "here's looking at you kid" or "say hello to my little friend".

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  5. @fattoler
    Don't forget the rubber Dwarf and Goblin costumes from the Monster party 'review' maybe he bought in bulk? ;)

    I never got far in Ghouls/Ghost/Goblins, i sucked at all of them, but saw the end stage in the Genesis version! My buddy was better, but ultimatly, too failed.

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  6. @Wolfmweh

    Yeah, well it still doesn't explain why he uses Ronnie so often, I mean what does a skeleton have to do with things like Mario is Missing and Christmas?

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  7. Well you got limitless continues, but here's the problem: The score. Unless you do not care and rather just have fun with the game, it can be an absolute pain to see your score reset to zero if you continue, rather than game over.
    Saddly enough, this could be an exception to certain people who are SO GOOD at the game that they can complete it and get a lovely high score.

    I had that "Don't care about the score" attitude when I played the arcade version of Bionic Commando... ON MY PSP! That game was really hard. I wish I have that same attitude with the Gradius games. Maybe that;s an attitude worth displaying... despite a crappy score.

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  8. How the HELL can irate faggots fans be stupid enough to NOT ask "Hey, why does some of the footage look different? is he playing a different game" Seriously!! how could his fans not ask him about switching versions?!?!
    sigh....Great redux either way Dan!

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  9. @AngrySun86

    I did play the Arcade version of Bionic Commando as well, and it is indeed hard, even harder than the NES version. Capcom even admitted that Bionic Commando (the arcade version, of course) is "The hardest game [Capcom] has ever developed".

    I didn't understand why he would switch between the arcade and NES versions of Ghosts n' Goblins either, even if it's because "it's too hard". He could use emulator tools such as savestates and slowdown for that crap. Did he really think the audience wouldn't tell the difference?

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  10. @Darthgamer

    Because if they did, they would not have been idiots, would they? :(
    And besides, as much as I hate to say it, THEY PROBABLY DON'T EVEN CARE!! All they care about is tha- ugh! I can't say it without getting a migraine.
    If some stupid moron did not attack people who prefer Rolfe over Bores, than the idiotic bias would not have happened; the disease of corporate zombification would not have plagued the internets. >:(
    I just wish Irate Lamer gets off of Youtube forever, but he's way too comfortable with a majority of his fanbase consisting of zombified, trolling coward weasels!
    They just take this too seriously!
    Oh and by the way, should people compare Lucario to Irate Lamer? DON'T ASK ME WHY I ASKED THIS.

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  11. Maybe, just maybe, his fans do know that Chris is speaking out of his rectum 90% of the time and they only reason they watch his rubbish is because they genuinely find him funny, you know the type, the people who call things like Epic Movie 'hilarious'.

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  12. I fucking LOVED Epic Movie! :D

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  13. @Wolfmweh

    Just a word of advice, saying things like that on most forums will get you shot down faster than a Messerschmitt flying over southern England.

    But heck I'm no better, I WAY prefer the campy 1960s 'Casino Royale' with Orson Welles and David Niven to the 2006 one with Daniel Craig. In fact I really don't like the new direction that the last two Bond films took.

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  14. @Fattoler
    Cheers mate, but it was a timed gag!

    Funfact; Epic movie was the first movie i watched after splitting up with my last girlfriend, and therefore by association it ruined my life.

    Timothy Dalton is easily the best Bond. No joke ;)

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  15. @Fattoler
    Don't you dare compare the classic James Bonds films and that other movie you mentioned to "Epic Movie", or "Disaster Movie" or "Date Movie" or "Meet the Spartans"! ಠ_ಠ

    @Wolfmweh
    All is forgiven.

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  16. Superhero Movie also sucked major ass!

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  17. @AngrySun

    I usually don't use continues on games with score resets on continues, unless I could get a name entry before a continue option or if I didn't beat the top score.

    The only NES game I know where points are useless and don't give you lives is "Megaman 1".

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  18. @vicviper592

    Exactly, most NES games didn't have a name entry screen so the only other purpose was extra lives.

    I always found it strange that the first Mega Man had a point system but all the others didn't. Now I know that they don't give you extra lives, they seem really pointless.

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  19. @Batdan
    Which would make me wonder:
    Does Irate Lamer like the Megaman series.
    I honestly belive so.
    C'mon. You do not get killed in one hit, other than from spikes, you can actually recieve extra lives for killing enemies (I crud you not, I killed two enemies on a single screen, and they BOTH gave me a 1-up each!), and of course the option to kill the bosses with their weakness. So could he possibly hate the Megaman games?

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  20. @Megaman comments
    Irate gamer could easily review Megaman, with the option to play any level he doesn't need to showcase his lack of skill in the footage!

    The box art doesn't resemble the in-game graphics at all! Thats 5 minutes of material right there!

    They're great games with a legion of fans, think of the comments... of the click$!

    He can buy the most recent pair without leaving the house or waiting for his Ebay delivery, his quickest review yet!

    He can be confused by the games being called Rockman in Japan!

    AVGN has mentioned Megaman before!

    And he can wank over Splashwoman/roll/protoman/etc...

    He should do it, it'll be awful :)

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  21. @AngrySun86
    I'm sure the Bores could find minor thing to bitch about Mega Man, like why doesn't the game look like cover art, or most likely, the game is too hard.

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  22. I hope Bores will never make a review of any of the Megaman games...

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  23. This has nothing to do with the blog entry, but I just noticed that the subtitle of IG's official site is "Popular Video Game Review Show". We get it, Bores. You've got a few ten-year-old fans that think Family Guy is the greatest show ever. You're about as popular as Uwe Boll.

    And I want Bores to review Mega Man. "Hard Man? That sounds like he has a boner! What do you mean pointing out the joke ruins it? Shut up, you're blocked."

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  24. @Wolfmweh
    ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ
    Are you kidding me?
    Why would you WANT him to review it?
    Why would you WANT him to make any Megaman game look bad?
    Because of his videos where he made a mockery of good games like GnG, SNES Aladdin, Super Mario Bros 2, and of course, ZAMN, his fanboys are likely going to listen to his lies and believe that these games suck. Thus, this could ruin the next generation's taste in games, the "taste" in question being a directionless whirlpool of contridictions, hypocrisy, and lots of shovelware!!!
    Yes, you clearly said that Irate Lamer "reviewing" Megaman would be awful, but cheese almighy! Are you SURE, you want him to do that?! ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?!?! HUH?!?!?!
    Okay. Fine. Let him bash Megaman and Gradius just so you can bash him for it. But mark my words, his fanboys are hopeless and would listen to anything he ever said, take it to heart, and go with it. We are going to have trolls flooding Megaman videos, Gradius videos, and videos related to games Irate Lamer has bashed, and spamming comments about how the game sucks or how Irate Lamer is their god. As a result, a great E-War could take place on Youtube, and lead to the destruction of Youtube!!! It might happen.
    DO NOT SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!
    I hope I hadn't cause any alarm...

    -_-;

    Or made myself look stupid by saying that.

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    Replies
    1. That is kind of the reason I hope he stops bashing good games.

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  25. I agree with AngrySun about the fanboys. They're kids with no sense of humor who have never touched a 8-bit/16-bit console. If Bores makes an awful review of Megaman or Gradius, they will think that they ARE bad games, no matter what.

    Also, what kind of joke can he make about Megaman? The boxart and the Robot Masters' names? Already done many times, like the scene from Ring King.

    Save-State Gamer and Mediocre Gamer already made parody reviews of Megaman. I don't think we really need more.

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  26. "When you think of ONE of the most hardest NES games, I can guarantee that Ghosts 'N' Goblins will be on your top FIVE."

    Good god, Zelda I had better grammar than this.

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  27. @Wolfmweh
    If Bores ever dares touch Megaman I'll probably go nuts with rage, it was bad enough when that talentless hack shat on Contra and the last two TMNT Nes games.

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  28. Chris Bores knows nothing about videogames and he is such a baby that he has to be in God Mode to beat Ghost N Goblins. (EVEN THEN HE STILL SUCKS AT THE GAME)

    Also his Devil Bores character is awful. I think it's his worst guest star ever in my point of view.

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  29. Daniel, don't forget this: If it wasn't for GNG, not only would we never have gotten the other two games, but we also would never have gotten the two Gargoyle's Quest games which started the Red Arremer, and the SNES game "Demon's Crest". There also would never have been a sequel to the arcade game Pirate Ship Higemaru called Higemaru Makaijima, which was noteworthy for its Ghosts n'Goblins cameos. Makaijima is also derived from the GNG's original Japanese title Makaimura (Demnn World Village)

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  30. "The next Will Smith everyone, can’t even make an angry curse convincing!"

    Please don't compare the irategamer to Will Smith, it's not fair. He's nothing like Will Smith, because Will Smith actually has talent, unlike Chris Bores.

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    Replies
    1. I was thinking that. I also take exception to the 'Blink-182 suck ass' line from a different blog - although I agree the Scooby Doo parody was made even worse by the band's inclusion.

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  31. You know, when AVGN uses Game Genie, it's only as an absolute last resort if the game is proving to be too hard, and he wants to show the ending. Like Ghostbusters. Hell, he even passed up the chance with Castlevania 3 (Shame that he couldn't beat Dracula. In the Japanese version, he's MUCH easier, since his attacks do less damage, you respawn at the stairs and the Third Form's lasers move slower. He was wrong about the fire attack, but the way you dodge that is kinda weird, so I will give it a pass)

    Bores decides to put up a facade of him being a good gamer, while trying to grossly exaggerate the difficulty of the game just to justify using one.

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  32. You know what I'd like to see this moron review? Earthbound. That would be EXQUISITE! If he were to do that, he would be flayed alive! Just think of the pathetic excuses for complains! The less than top-tier graphics, the fight skipping system, the fact that the main characters are kids, Hell, he could probably go on for five minutes about Poo's name, or the whole "Giygas=fetus" thing! Or he could do what he did with Mario 2 and make a big hairy deal out of the fact that it's actually called Mother 2! Oh, I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it!
    Or hell, maybe he could even do Minecraft! Now that would be the equivalent of him signing his own death certificate! If he did that, the fans would probably crucify him! And I would merrily join in! Haha!

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    Replies
    1. On second thought,I don't think he's intelligent enough to pick up on the "Giygas=fetus" thing.

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    2. Hmmm, he has already done a similar thing to other good games, and he's still around, despite the rage of many a person with taste.

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  33. I'm sorry, but if you're going to take it upon yourself to be incredibly pedantic over another person's work then you would do well to learn the difference between the words "then" and "than". You make this mistake numerous times on this particular editorial alone and - from a personal point of view - it's pretty unforgivable.

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  34. One of the worst Irate Gamer review I have ever watched.

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    Replies
    1. Read the wiki entry, where I wrote that Chris Bores has a spot in hell!

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