Sunday, March 21, 2010

Redux Recap: The Goonies II Makes Sense to Me

You’re probably wondering how many of these Redux Recaps I’m going to do. Well, when I get to a video that doesn’t need another look-over, I’ll just give a brief recap about why I won’t cover it and move on to the main one.
I’ll skip some of his Neo videos, the ones I feel aren’t worth it.

Now that’s over with, The Goonies II.
I should mention that this game is awesome, it’s like Metroid combined with Shadowgate. It has a map screen, multiple weapons, and it’s just fun. Now watch IG bash it because he couldn’t play the first one.

0:00 - 0:18: So the video begins with IG saying that he “fondly remembers playing this game as a kid.” Fondly remember it huh? Then within a few seconds he says “But as much as I loved the movie, I had the opposite reaction towards this game.” So in 18 seconds, he contradicts himself. We’re off to a good start.

0:19 - 0:27: However, before he can start the review he has to address the title, which he reminds us is Goonies II. Thanks, I already know that.

0:28 - 0:44: He comments that it confuses him, and thinks it’s fantastic that a sequel to a movie is only on a video game. During this he shows footage from the movie, not sure why this is the only spot he shows footage.

0:45 - 0:57: He also considers that it’s a sequel to a previous game (that is correct) but whines that he wants to play the original game first. Why?

0:57 - 1:13: “What’s worse then playing your video games out of order?” Not playing them at all? Who cares what order you play them in? Unless there’s a cohesive story like Metal Gear Solid, you can play them in order you want. I don’t care if you play Super Mario 64 before Super Mario Bros. 3, you’ll still have fun with it.
Oh, it gets worse. He asks “Who in their right mind would play Castlevania III before Castlevania I?” and that the thought of it is sickening and punishable by death in some countries. *painful sigh* Where do I start?
First of all, Castlevania III is a prequel. It makes perfect sense to play that before Castlevania I. Why didn’t you mention Simon’s Quest? That would have made a little bit of sense since it’s a direct sequel to the first game.
Second, I’ll remind you once again that unless the series has a cohesive story that requires you to play the games in order, then it doesn’t matter what order you play them in. They’re not like movies, and even some movies you can see the sequels and not get lost (Terminator 2, The Dark Knight)
Third, that last joke wasn’t funny.

Did you notice that when he throws Castlevania, it hits the shelf and doesn’t make a sound? That’s… weird.

1:13 - 1:18: Now he’s talking about how he’s been to a lot of retail stores and never saw Goonies I. Maybe it’s because you’re looking at a shelf of PS2 games?

1:19 - 2:18: Then he thinks of a third option, that they screwed up the numbering. Somehow he relates this to Donkey Kong, saying they released Donkey Kong 3 after Donkey Kong Jr. He starts complaining that there’s no Donkey Kong 2 and wonders if DKJr is meant to be the “missing link”, concluding that doing stuff like this confuses people in the long run.

And yes, this is a blatant rip-off of the AVGN’s Chronologically Confused bit. I want to address the fans that say he never stole anything from James. Don’t listen to WHAT he says, listen to HOW he says it.
The inflection, the context, that’s the part that really matters. Plagiarism does not mean word-for-word, close imitation also qualifies.
And to the people that say “He only ripped off his TMNT and Back to the Future reviews, stop crying waah” you are fucking blind. I just provided a HUGE example, I noted some bad ones in the Where’s Waldo recap, and he still does it to this day. Wake up people!

Also, what’s the point of bringing up Donkey Kong? It has nothing to do with The Goonies other then being from the 80s. Feels like a boring Big Lipped Alligator Moment.

Moving on.

2:19 - 2:41: He finally stops stalling and tells us that Goonies II is a sequel to a video game, however it was only released in Japan (except for Playchoice-10 Machines in Arcades but obviously he didn’t care to look). So he made the first 2 ½ minutes of this video entirely pointless, thank for padding douchebag.
Here’s how a competent reviewer would do it “Today I’m looking at The Goonies II, a fun side-scrolling adventure with first-person elements. This is a sequel to a Goonies video game, however it was only released in Japan and Playchoice-10 Arcade machines. Now onto the review.” Again, it’s not that hard!

Oh, and he complains that the US is always getting “F’d in the A” for releases. I already mentioned this before but any country that isn’t the USA or Japan has it far worse. Try living in Europe during the early 90s, RPGs were non-existent.

2:41 - 3:04: So the review starts up, he exposits the story about how The Fratelli’s (or as he calls them, the bad guys from the movie) have kidnapped Annie. “Who’s Annie? Was she in the movie?” You could try reading the instruction manual, or look up the full story online if you don’t have it, but that would be stupid.
“Why does Mikey have to rescue her? Doesn’t this town have a police force?” *slams head against wall* I don’t know? Why does Mario have to keep rescuing the Princess? Doesn’t the Mushroom Kingdom have a police force that could do it?
Why is Link always the one rescuing Zelda? Surely the knights of Hyrule can take care of it.
And hey, who needs Sonic to stop Robotnik? Just get the out-of-place human police force to do it. You see how stupid that is Chris?

3:05 - 3:18: He then wonders how the other Goonies got kidnapped, complains that there’s no backstory and that it’s about as confusing as the title.
Again, read the instruction manual. Also, you just cleared up the confusion of the title. Do you even look over your scripts after writing them?

3:19 - 3:25: Cut to Bores saying that the game is very hard to figure out. Not really, it’s actually quite easy.

3:25 - 3:35: He explains that there are no separate levels, and you go around various areas finding items.
You mean like Metroid? You know, that game that doesn’t have separate levels and you go around various areas finding items? How is this a problem?

3:35 - 4:12: He shows what some of these items are and what they do. Grab your pillow because here’s the boring part of the video, he goes around various rooms hitting walls hoping to find something. I should mention this part isn’t boring, it’s a little tedious but it’s not as boring as IG is portraying.
“It’d be more fun to rip the hair out of my ass then play this game”. When you phrase it like this, it makes it sound like you hate this game. Seriously, what makes a good game in your eyes? Something with a “Press A to Win” button? No wait, the Sonic Unleashed review proves you fail that as well.

4:13 - 4:23: “I guess the person that put up the drywall in this house really fucked up.” Not funny. Even if that wasn’t a joke, did you ever consider the Fratelli’s set it up like that?

4:24 - 4:38: He finds a Goonie locked up and rescues him, the Goonie thanks Mikey and tells him “You’re Braver Than Brand”. IG remarks “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’ve never heard that before in my life!”
Hey dipshit, Brand is Mikey’s older brother. Josh Brolin’s character? Oh, according to the description he knew that, he just thought it looked funny. It doesn’t look funny at all, is this what you mean by “exploit these weaknesses for comedic effect?”
“Man, this game pisses me off” Yes, you can tell it pisses me off by my extremely bored tone of voice. I can’t stop making fun of that.

4:39 - 4:44: He starts talking about the first-person rooms and “half the time they don’t even make no sense at all.” Once again proving that he doesn’t know how to read.

4:44 - 5:00: Pay attention to Mikey in the bottom-left corner, notice how he’s facing down. He complains that if presses up he walks out of the same room, and asks for consistency.
When you choose “Go” arrows will surround Mikey, and depending on where he’s facing that’s where he’ll go. This will change depending on where he’s facing, so if he’s facing North pressing Up takes you North. If he’s facing South pressing Up takes you South.
Wow, I just explained it better then he ever could. How about that?

5:00 - 5:24: Another confusing aspect (to him) is that he falls down a chasm and dies but is right next to a ladder that leads to the same place.
*sighs* How many other games do this? Castlevania, Ninja Gaiden, Contra, Kid Icarus, this isn’t any different. By the way, notice when he goes down the ladder the area where the chasm would have taken him was a big ceiling, so he would’ve died from hitting the bricks. Either that or he’s trying to bring realistic logic into an 8-Bit NES game. God how much longer is this?

Also, is it me or was that “fuck” at the end said by someone else? It didn’t sound like him, it just sounded weird.

5:24 - 5:39: He whines about the ladders and not being able to use his weapon while on them, how we have to take it like a bitch. Or you could try to move out of the way before they hit you. It’s called a challenge, a concept you don’t seem to understand.
And did that “what the fuck” at the end also sound strange? Seriously what’s with the audio in this review? Cartridges hitting shelves but not making a sound, Bores sounding like a completely different person, I don’t get it.

5:40 - 5:54: Apparently the concept of dying and losing your items is confusing to The Bores, as he complains about losing all his keys after dying. Seriously, people still believe he’s a gamer?

5:55 - 6:00: We cut to IG saying that one of coolest things is the ability to hit people with your hammer.
I should mention that hitting people in this game is bad, especially Konami Man. Normally he heals you when you visit him, but if you hit him he’ll never heal you again unless you start a new game.

6:01 - 6:15: So Bores starts hitting an old woman and laughing. Why is this relevant to the review? Well…

6:15 - 6:37: The woman responds “What do you do?” This pisses him off and he corrects it as “What did you do?”
Don’t you mean “What are you doing?” That phrase is something a mother would say when she notices her kid did something bad.
Somehow this mistranslation ruins hitting people because… he’s the Irate Gamer? Then cut to Bores showing off his amazing acting chops.

Also, I wouldn't criticize the game's translation Mr. "Don't even make no sense at all"

6:38 - 6:57: “Once you save all your friends” I’d like to thank Game Genie for getting me to this part.
He saves Annie and sees that she’s a mermaid, apparently he thinks this is stupid and that it makes no sense. Again, you could have read the instruction manual. But why do research when you can bash classic games for views?

So the review FINALLY ends with Bores whining that people aren’t making a big deal out of Annie being a mermaid. At the beginning, you should have noticed The Fratelli’s were calling out The Goonies on TV. By doing this, people already know Annie is a mermaid.
Also, look at the boxart for the game.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/76/Goonies2.jpg
See Mrs. Fratelli holding a glass ball with Annie inside?

Because people didn’t make a big deal out of Annie being a mermaid, this pisses him off enough to smash the game with a hammer. Also smashing his credibility as a gamer and reviewer.

This review was horrible! This is the turning point in IG’s reviews where he went from making actual complaints to making up bullshit excuses. That’s only 3 episodes he started doing that, it’s just… ugh it hurts.

It also shows that he completely missed the point to why the AVGN was likeable. This isn’t only Bores, this is everyone that tries to be an angry reviewer but fails at it (Game Dunce, NC17, Pissed Off Fat Gamer, 10-12 year old kids, etc.) These people think that “by bashing a game, people will think I’m funny and make me popular”. No, James grew up with these games and shared the videos with people that also grew up with them. People that actually did play these games would get the humor.

Next Redux Recap: The video that Bores claims was his turning point.

29 comments:

  1. Actually, there IS a Donkey Kong II!
    It is a Game & Watch game, and is basically a G&W version of the final level of Donkey Kong Jr.

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  2. The first "Goonies" game was also released through Nintendo's "VS" arcade series also. I remember seeing one at a Pizza Hut when I was like 7. One main differents between the NES and the "VS" version is that you start at Loop 2 of the game.

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  3. Couldn't we devise a formula where a review from this idiot actually equates to a sterling recommendation?

    Without checking... i think he's only reviewed on game that's considered pretty shit (E.T of course)and while the theory that it drums up controversy and hits for him, shutting off the comments (or screening them) surely negates some of that.

    He's encouraging children to avoid decent (if not amazing) games, i think that's punishable by death in some countries.

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  4. Bores just doesnt GET anything! I would LOVE (sarcasm) to see bores review paper mario (one of my childhood favorites) and rip it apart saying that mario shouldnt be an rpg and completly look over mario rpg for the snes. that would PROVE that he is not a gamer!

    What do we have to do to prove to his idiotic fanboys that he isnt worth defending!? *sigh* I guess that would be about as possible as trying to get a 360 fanboy to buy a Wii or a PS3....
    Till next time folks!

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  5. @AngrySun86
    Huh, that's interesting to note. Thanks.

    @vicviper592
    Yeah I was considering putting that in, but since it's technically a different game I decided not to.

    @Wolfmweh
    Actually he has reviewed more then one bad game.
    Back to the Future, Where's Waldo, Jaws Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, MUSCLE, Contra Force, Predator, ET, Home Improvement (to some people), Mario is Missing and Mario's Time Machine.
    However, he's still reviewed far more good games then bad.

    @Darthgamer
    In one of his E3 videos he played Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story and said "it feels strictly like an RPG" implying that he doesn't know there exists multiple Mario RPGs.

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  6. @Batdan, see. That's why i should check ;)

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  7. @DarthGamer

    Actually, I'd be more worried about the Gradius series than Paper Mario. Yes, I love Paper Mario, and it would suck if Irate Lamer make a video about it, calling it a kids game or something. But he's more likely to review the Gradius seri- no, I'm sorry, I mean make a bad image of the Gradius series by complaining about its difficulty and have stupid skits about the stone heads of Easter Island.

    Never forget Contra Trilogy. ;_;

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  8. @ AngrySun86

    Moron. He'd never make a skit about Easter Island Heads. There was no "Wise Sage" in Contra, Super Contra, or Contra III! So what kind of character would Bores pull out of his fat ass?

    I got it! How about a crazy old man who smells like cat pee who constantly begs Irate Gamer for change?! Not only would he have stolen Douglas Walker's Hobo character, but it would make no sense for a character or skit to appear, having no connection whatsoever to the Gradius games.

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  9. @AngrySun86
    He seems to have something against Konami. A large number of the games he's reviewed are from the Big K.

    @Anon (March 21st 10:09 AM)
    Watch it, don't call him a moron for something like that.

    Though a completely unrelated character makes sense.
    "Hmm, I'm reviewing Contra. I know! I'll make a character that references Star Wars! I'm such a genius writer."

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  10. @Batdan
    Eh, he's just an Anon. What can ya do.
    I could burn him to a crisp with my sunlight.
    But I'm busy and don't feel like it.

    But that Anon chap had a good idea.
    @Anon guy
    Be thankful I am not burning you alive and giving you skin cancer.
    I am the Angry Sun after all! ;)

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  11. @the Stupid Sun

    Hey! At least I didn't call you gay or a fat fuck. I doubt "Moron" would hurt someone's feelings compared to that.

    @Batdan
    Why thank you.
    Don't mess with the hair.

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  12. @AngrySun86

    I'm always thinking he might do the "Gradius" series as well. One stupid thing he might say is "Gradius 2: Life Force".

    Also, I wish Bores would stop wearing that stupid blue button shirt. Its not mainly because he wants to look like AVGN, its what real gamer wears something like that on game reviews? Is he reviewing a game, or is he trying to sell me Oxy Clean?

    With apologies to Billy Mays's friends and family for the last sentence.

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  13. No one reads the instruction manual.
    The game itself should explain the story.

    but I agree with the rest

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  14. @VicViper

    Yeah that blue shirt of his always bugged me for some reason, maybe it's because all of my shirts are chequered or with stripes...

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  15. @blue shirt comments

    I'm not so sure. I think it suits him, with that shit-eating grin in tow he could be a Jehovah's witness or something.

    No offense to Jehovah's witnessess, i'm REALLY sorry for comparing you to this ass :(

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  16. @vicviper592
    Looking at it like that, he does look like he's trying to sell me something. Making that Retro Mini commercial even stupider.

    @Wolfmweh
    Haha, nah they deserve it. Crazy door-to-door salesmen and inability to celebrate or feel joy.

    @Anon (March 21st 12:48 PM)
    You're kidding right? An NES game doesn't have to explain the entire backstory.

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  17. It was probably already mentioned in the old Goonies II rant, but the Goonies I game could also be found on a variety of pirated NES multicarts. Can you pronounce multicart, Mr. Bores? MULL - TEE - KART... or MULL - TIE - KART in some parts of the world.

    And even if one wasn't aware of the first Goonies game, it is entirely possible to consider the game as a standalone "sequel" to the film, especially since the first game was rather light on plot. Honestly, it could work either way.

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  18. Since Bores is not a gamer, I don't think he knows anything about the Gradius franchise. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks that Castlevania, Contra and Megaman were made by Nintendo.

    And a Chester A. Bum ripoff? Nah, he will simply use the same characters over and over again, like the Devil or Ronnie.

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  19. I found a mistake in your rant, you say Europe didn't get RPGs yet we got the Phantasy star series on Genesis/Mega Drive.

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  20. @Anon (March 22nd 10:31 AM)
    He actually did say something like that. In his Brawl review he said "I want to see more Nintendo characters like Mega Man, Simon Belmont, and Bomberman in future Smash Bros. games"
    That's right, he thought Nintendo made Mega Man, Castelvania, and Bomberman.

    @Jarv156
    Oh shit sorry. I was only thinking of the Nintendo consoles when saying that, they never got Dragon Quest, Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger, Earthbound, etc.
    That was a mistake on my part, and I admit it.

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  21. I think it's hilarious when he insists he get to play Goonies before Goonies II, as if he even played these when they were new. And no one cared about these things, it's like Street Fighter II, no one cared to play the original. This guy obviously just started playing. At least when I watch AVGN I can say I remember it the same way.

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  22. “Why does Mikey have to rescue her? Doesn’t this town have a police force?” *slams head against wall* I don’t know? Why does Mario have to keep rescuing the Princess? Doesn’t the Mushroom Kingdom have a police force that could do it?
    Why is Link always the one rescuing Zelda? Surely the knights of Hyrule can take care of it.
    And hey, who needs Sonic to stop Robotnik? Just get the out-of-place human police force to do it. You see how stupid that is Chris?"

    @the idiot who made this site:
    Yeah, why doesn't the police force in the Mushroom Kingdom rescue the Princess? Because, you know, it's not like that Mario and the Goonies are COMPLETE SEPERATE REALMS, I mean, it makes total sense for a video game character and series to have a police force, while a live-action movie series adapted into a video game wouldn't have one that attempted to reclaim lost children. That doesn't happen in real life!
    You see how stupid that is!?!

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    Replies
    1. Nope, but we can see how stupid you are. You didn't even make a point. Try again when your balls have dropped, idiot.

      Delete
  23. @ Anon (April 4th 2:17 PM)
    Oh look, an IG fanboy trying to defend his awful writing. First one in a while.

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  24. It's probably the Irate Gaymer himself!

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  25. He claims to have the DVD, but if he does have it then why the fuck did he use a poster of the movie? Wouldn't it make more sense to just show the DVD?

    Knowing how much of a liar he is, I doubt he has the DVD. I mean you can easily find that image by going to Google Images and search "Goonies Poster".

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  26. Inflection has nothing whatsoever to do with pitch/tone of voice. That's called intonation. Inflection means another form of a word, e.g. a plural like game vs. games. Otherwise an ok redux but a fail on that part. ;)

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  27. >> I should mention that hitting people in this game is bad...

    There is actually one point in the game where you have to hit an old lady five times to get the candle.

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  28. I swear, hearing him play teacher makes my English worse for at least a few hours afterwords.

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