Welcome to another Redux Recap *takes a shot of coffee* Ahhh I’m going to need this.
Today’s review is a really boring one, the Irate Gamer looks at Jaws on the NES.
Since it’s an LJN game, it’s expected to be a piece of crap. I played the game and unsurprisingly it sucks. It’s boring, it’s slow, the music drones, and the hit detection is broken. Though to be fair, it’s a lot more playable than other LJN games, it’s better then Alien 3 and Friday the 13th. But that doesn’t excuse it from being another notch in why licensed games suck.
Intro: This is the first episode where he used some kind of intro card, it’s just his logo with a drum beat set to it. Nothing much to say about this one.
0:09 - 0:35: The video begins with Bores sitting at the beach reading a Nintendo Power. Look guys, I’m a real gamer! I even read Nintendo Power outside! Every gamer does that right? You’re not fooling anyone Chris.
He then hears something, followed by a woman screaming prompting him to run away. Ahh it must be a Land Shark, sharks that adapted to walking on land to get their prey.
We then zoom in on the cartridge in the sand (that’s right, damage the cartridge some more) and exclaims “That’s right, it’s Jawls!” We have come across another problem with his videos, his inability to pronounce words ending with “-aw”. You’ll see this often and he rarely gets it right.
0:36 - 0:53: “This great white shark ruled the oceans in the early 80s” Early 80s? The only Jaws movie out then was Jaws 3-D, and that one sucked ass. Jaws was only popular in the 70s, you know when the first movie came out? Also, this game is based off Jaws: The Revenge, the fourth movie. Indicated by the year it came out!
“He has attitude, and the ability to sink boats and dozens of people.” Attitude? Did you watch that Robot Chicken sketch about the Special Edition DVD and think that was accurate to the movie?
“This game should be placed at the bottom of a turd mountain! *puts a giant stock crap picture over the cartridge*” That was completely necessary, thank you very much.
0:54 - 1:09: He starts playing the game, saying we aren’t told what our objective is but from the title it’s obvious. Nothing too worrying so far.
Then he claims it’s time to batten the hatches and full steam ahead, cutting to him talking to an action figure of Captain McAllister from The Simpsons, that was incredibly stupid. Again, what’s the point? Why would talk to an action figure of a Simpsons character? You couldn’t get the sea captain from Family Guy? After all this show has the exact same style of jokes, cutting to something random and never referencing it again.
1:10 - 1:40: He starts moving and hits a random encounter. He goes down and starts complaining that he didn’t hit anything, only seeing jellyfish and sting rays. Last I checked, jellyfish and sting rays counted as living fish, not nothing. Was Steve Irwin killed by a deadly nothing?
Why does this remind me of the scene in Good Burger, where a man asks for a burger with nothing on it and is only given a bun. Upon this, Ed asks the fry cook if a meat patty is something or nothing.
So yeah, Bores doesn’t understand the concept of random encounters. It’s pretty clear you hit the fish, not “nothing.” Oh, and to emphasize what a “dick” this game is, we cut to him flipping off his NES. I’m sure that was worth wasting a tape.
He also whines that we can’t get out of this and that we’re a prisoner. You could just try killing enemies to get shells and stars?
1:40 - 2:08: He mentions that getting hit once kills you and then moves on. What, no whiny complaining about this game being too hard?
IG says the first thing to do is dock at a marina (which he green circles) but they’ll only let you in if you have enough conch shells.
“Is this supposed to be a marina, or a hooker?” Was that supposed to be a joke? Because that wasn’t funny, and it didn’t make any sense.
2:09 - 2:30: So we watch IG be boring along with the game, and he comments that it’s just as boring as fishing.
*takes another shot of coffee*
2:31 - 3:07: Oh, that last line was meant to be a transition. We cut to Bores saying he’s not talking about regular fishing, but rather The Black Bass on the NES. For some reason he starts reviewing it, calling it a piece of shit and that it doesn’t work. I’ve heard this was the best fishing game on the NES, why is he bashing it? Oh, because to Chris Bores all games are terrible.
Why are you reviewing this? This is about Jaws, not Black Bass. Is your ADD really that bad?
Oh, and he wonders who the market for these “shitty games” are. People that like fishing? Then he yells at us to go do some real fishing *sighs* I hate people that say this, I really do.
3:08 - 3:33: We get back to the game he’s supposed to be reviewing and says that giving 5 shells to the marina gives you a receiver to “find Jawls”. This baffles him since Jaws appears regularly and doesn’t understand why it’s needed. It’s not used to find him, it’s used to alert you of his presence. How you couldn’t see that is what baffles me.
3:34 - 3:55: Now IG starts whining that you don’t get “da option” of choosing to dive down and that we’re this game’s bitch. *sighs* Wow, it’s kind of like an RPG. You know, you walk around a field and get randomly attacked. You don’t get a choice that says “would you like to fight these imps?” because that would be fucking stupid.
3:56 - 4:13: He compares this to Silent Service “which I think is best submarine game out there.” Compared to what? He notes that you get the option of choosing to fight or not, and it would improve “Jawls”. Funny how he calls this a good game, I’ve heard the NES version of Silent Service is a butchered port. Continuing to prove that Bores has no idea what he’s talking about.
4:14 - 4:32: So IG goes to fight the shark, and starts complaining that his sprite is pathetic and he should look like menacing, using the sprite from the “Start-Up Screen”. You expected them to put effort into this game? It’s LJN, they don’t care.
*takes another shot of coffee*
4:33 - 5:13: Bores continues to fight the shark and notes that a smaller shark shows up, claiming to be much faster. Actually they move at the same speed.
By the way, you’ll notice the scuba diver doesn’t die when he’s hit by the shark. That’s right, Bores once again cheated. I love the idiots that still think he’s a legit gamer.
He kills the mini-shark and is interrupted by a bonus game, whining that he was having his final battle with “Jawls”. I should mention that the mini-shark shows up at any time, even when you’re not fighting Jaws. So this complaint is entirely pointless.
5:14 - 5:43: So he finally drains Jaws’ power meter and enters the first person “kill the shark” section. He mentions that you have to time it or you start over (for some reason he doesn’t “force rage” for this). He successfully kills Jaws, then recycles the kill shot saying “This is for Jawls 2, and Jawls 3, and Superman IV! Whoops, got carried away there.” That’s not funny.
5:43 - 5:53: After killing Jaws, Bores has time one more stupid joke. “The ocean is safe, until an Exxon tanker shows up” combined with a picture of a tanker crashing into the wall. Get it? It’s funny because it happened in an ocean! Laugh and buy my DVD!
The video ends with Bores saying the game is shit, and that he’s going to go outside and bury it (I’ll repeat that, bury it). He goes into the woods in his backyard and throws the cartridge. Wait, so throwing it into trees is the same thing as burying it?
Oh, but we’re not done yet. He hears a noise and sees the Duck Hunt Dog laughing, prompting him to take out his zapper and kill the dog. What’s the point of this? How did we go from Jaws to Duck Hunt?
Then he has the need to over-explain the joke by saying he always hated that dog and ending on a card that says “Dedicated to the Duck Hunt fans that wanted to kill that damn dog!” Only his 11 year old fan base would need the joke explained to them.
This review was just boring. His anger was extremely forced, the reviewing parts put me to sleep, and he kept jumping to completely different things. It’s no wonder fans of Family Guy love this show, it holds their attention spans long enough to laugh at some stupid reference.
*Takes one more shot of coffee* Next Redux Recap, a Temple of Doom with cliché shoulder angels. Until next time.