Friday, March 19, 2010

The Summer of Forgettable Crap and Iron Man

Since Chris Bores seems to care about what movies he thinks will be “sPEtactular” he released another Top Ten Summer Movie List.
Strange thing is, he didn’t split this into two parts. I still don’t get why he did that the last two years, but let’s see his moronic tastes for this year.

Intro: “Since I did these lists for the last two years, I’ll do it again.” After all, people love my opinions on movies. Because of me, nobody saw Watchmen again… right? I was the reason people stopped seeing Watchmen and decided to see the “A+” X-Men Origins Wolverine?

Number Ten: Inception
He starts off the list with Christopher Nolan’s upcoming sci-fi film (strange how doesn’t mention the director behind The Dark Knight is working on this). He says it looks weird and doesn’t know what to expect. How very detailed.

Number Nine: The A-Team
He says he barely remembers watching this, but hopes to see tons of action and tons of explosions. How about plot? Oh, and he’s disappointed that Mr. T won’t be reprising his role as B.A. Baracus (doesn’t say the character’s name).
Look, people need to realize that Mr. T is 57 years old. He can’t be the strong guy forever… though Chuck Norris is 70 years old and still kicking ass. Just don’t be angry that they didn’t get him.

Number Eight: Toy Story 3
“I know this is a kid’s movie…” Learn that Pixar movies are meant for EVERYONE and then we can talk “legit movie critic”. Blah blah characters blah blah adventures blah blah I don’t care.

Number Seven: Grown Ups
Ladies & Gentlemen, Chris Bores’ taste in comedy. I saw the trailer for this, it made me want to castrate myself.
He goes on about all the cast being from SNL (I totally remember Kevin James being on SNL, remember that bit where he played the fat slob with a hot wife?) and how it will be hysterical. Yeah, Rob Schnieder and David Spade say otherwise.

Number Six: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
“I’m going to assume that this movie is based off the game of the same name” ASSUME? Jeez, why don’t you just hold up a sign in every video now that says “Hello! I am not a gamer!”
Just to further this, he shows the Genesis boxart saying “it was hard as hell to play through”. I’d give him credit if it wasn’t the fact this was based off Sands of Time, which came out in 2003 on the three main consoles and PC.
More vague statements and this “Jerry BROCKheimer”, you mean Bruckheimer? Ass.

Number Five: Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Guh… he doesn’t mention this is a sequel. How does he not know about the original Wall Street? Michael Douglas is REPRISING his role as Gordon Gekko, Charlie Sheen was in the original but now his character-type (not the same character, but similar) is played by the even less talented Shia LaShit.
Oh yeah the vague thoughts, he just says it looks good and the plot will spiral out of control.

Number Four: Tron Legacy
He mentions that it’s not coming out until after Summer ends but he had to put it in. I should mention that Wall Steet: Money Never Sleeps comes out after summer, but who am I to argue with the idiot that doesn’t know it’s a sequel.
All of these summaries are the same, just being as vague as possible. God I’m bored.

Number Three: The Last Airbender
He mentions that it’s based off “a cartoon” and has never seen it, but the trailer makes him want too. Trust me, the cartoon is far more worth the time then whatever that hack M. Night releases.
Does Bores only care about special effects? It’s all he’s been talking about.
Oh, listen to this “Plus this movie is directed by M. Night Shyamalan, so it should be pretty good.” Wow, did this fucker see The Happening? Or The Village? Or Lady in the Water? Really, anything after Unbreakable sucked.

Number Two: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Ah great, more Nicholas Cage.
“This film looks to be one special effects ride that’s going to be great”. Seriously, why didn’t he review Avatar? You’d think he would spend more then 90 seconds gushing about the effects.
And that’s what this summary is, gushing about special effects.

And now for Number One: Iron Man 2
I will say that’s a better choice then G.I. Joe and *shudders* Dragonball Evolution.
He doesn’t say much other then “there’s hype and I hope it will live up to it.”

That’s the video, he ends it saying he’ll review most of these and to check back or “subscribe to my channel” (whore) and that’s where it ends.

I’ll be honest, this list was a lot better then the last two. But that’s not saying much, his taste in movies still sucks.

Until next time.

20 comments:

  1. These lists all have the same formula. If he had included Inglorious Basterds, I imagine it would go a little something like this:

    "Now I didn't grow up with World War II, but if the movie is anything like the trailer, I think it should be pretty cool. Fast-paced editing, dialogue, and with Quentin Tarantino directing, you know it will be awesome. I just hope it isn't anything like Pulp Fiction. That movie confused the hell out of me with its non-linear storytelling!"

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like how when he talks about Tron Legacy, he says, "Jeff Bridges reprises his character." Um, does his character have a name?

    However, I will give him credit for not referring to Bridges as The Dude.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Batdan, you're going to have to try harder my friend.

    Your write-up doesn't mirror the true extent of this shitty video, next time could you just headbutt the keyboard a few times, maybe piss on it? then i wouldn't be stupid enough to go check this fucking waste of time out. :(

    'CB's prettiest trailers of movies (i'm too lazy to research) coming out at some point in 2010'

    I feel sick. movie fan? FILM DIRECTOR?!

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Wolfmweh
    Your message confuses me. Did you want more anger out of this post?
    Problem is this video was just boring, he droned on and on in his dull monotone voice *zzzzzz*.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Batdan
    Sorry mate, I don't think anger would be enough. How about a picture of a clown thats drowned himself in a toilet bowl? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. God, Tron Legecy is out in Decemember. That's TWO seasons after summer. So not only does he fail at English and Math but now it seams he fails at basic time knowledge. Just wow.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh dear, a typo. I meant LEGACY and DECEMBER.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is my reaction to most of Bores videos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ2j8yxu-rc.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I say you should do Game Dude, as well...

    Provided, of course, you can find his videos since all those links he spams all over the place keep leading to deleted videos...

    Also, if you can stand listening to his voice for 10 seconds...

    I swear one minute is the max I can bear before I can't take it anymore...

    ReplyDelete
  10. RX RatMan:

    BatDan has already mentioned that he won't talk about Game Dude (let alone mention his name without censoring it) because he'll come over to this blog and throw a hissy fit (or make a video talking about how nobody understand him.)

    He's another passing phase, and we can only pray he give it up as time goes on.

    ReplyDelete
  11. @zonic94
    He said in the video that he knew it wasn't a summer movie, he just put it on there because he was ultra-excited.
    Of course, this doesn't excuse that it's not a summer movie. Why not Robin Hood or something else that's violent?

    @Anon (March 19th 12:48 PM)
    *closes eyes* MAMAAAAA!
    GAH! Fine I'll watch the video.

    @RX RatMan
    As I've said before, I won't cover Game Dude because he's a whiny brat.
    Sure he maybe calm now, but he's like herpes he'll break out again.
    Plus he constantly revises his videos, so there's no point in covering him.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "I think Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is based on Prince of Persia for the Genesis since they have the same name! Except they don't have the same name!"

    Seriously, it's like saying Final Fantasy VII Advent Children is based on the first Final Fantasy.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh my God! The Bores is really back! How many videos has this been in the span of about two weeks or so? He hasn't been on this pace since 2008. At least.

    Which is great both if you love him or if you have enough sense to really, really hate him.

    ReplyDelete
  14. M. Night Shyamalon definitely blows chunks now, but I have disagree about 'when' he started blowing them.

    "Signs" came after "Unbreakable" and was an excellent film.

    It's actually rated higher than "Unbreakable" on Rotten Tomatoes: 74% Fresh to Unbreakable's 68% Fresh. That being said, both films are great.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well at least Bores is consistent in letting us know what ten movies he's looking forward to each year. But like what everyone has said, some of these aren't even summer flicks. Simply calling it "CB's Top Ten Movie List" would make it sound more accurate, yes?

    And yeah his tastes are rather questionable to say the least. Also the constant gushing over special effects are getting quite grating. It's like the only way to judge a movie by how many special effects they can cram in the trailer (For him at least).

    ReplyDelete
  16. Okay, here's my thoughts about this Temple of Dung. First, did he call his moronic list a tradition? Damn.

    #10 - "It is going to be an odd one, because it has Dicaprio and it is one of those psychological thrillers. Main character has to travel to someones mind. Trailer good, but I hope movie good." Yeah...think before you say, Chris. It's not the worst sentence structure, but still, it is an odd one.

    #9 - "I was never a big fan of any of the comic boo...I mean the A-Team series, but the movie will be exactly like the series. But no Mr. T as Mr. T?" Dude, seriously?

    #8 - "A kids movie." Let me stop you right there. Not every animated movie/series is intended for kids. Pixar movies are for the whole family, but you have the mentality of a teenager who is too afraid to admit that he likes cartoons.

    #7 - "Grown ups." I saw Rob Schneider on the first picture and knew that this one will suck ass. Chris is going to love it though.

    #6 - "Prince of Persia, bla bla bla..." Fuck you, Chris. It is obvious that you know shit about Prince of Persia and the real source of the movie. Dumbass.

    #5 - "This looks like it's going to be great." How? Have you seen the first one? And why are you calling Shia Shia?!?!?! My guess he just threw that one on the list to show that he doesn't just watch mindless action and bullshit.

    #4 - "Reprise his character." Okay...? "Everything is CGI = interesting movie." Oh Christ. It is ironic that this tops Wall Street.

    #3 - "Never seen me a cartoon, but I know the movie will be just like it." Well, almost. Once again, stroy has no meaning, if Chris gets him some action and special effects.

    #2 - Just repeat the reasons from the last two and you got it. I have to admit, I haven't heard about this movie before, but from the pics he showed...it looked like a bunch of ass. Reminded me of Dragonball.

    #1 - I have to admit, I am anticipating this movie and I, too believe it to be one of the best superhero movies and....OH WAIT A MINUTE!! Fuck you Chris, I am actually agreeing with you!!!?? Damn you, look what you have done! Well, either way, I loved the first one and can't wait to see the second. But I still don't count it as a summer movie.

    Oh, goodie. Chris is going to review most of them later this year. Just like EVER YEAR, right?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  17. DLAbaoaqu says

    So if it's not live action it's automatically for kids? Sounds like my stepdad's reasoning.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I would get a kick out of reading Game Dude try to defend himself but it's your choice...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Morbidchid already pointed it out, but it's worth bringing up again.

    Bores said of Toy Story 3, "I know this film is meant for kids (lie) but we all grew up with these movies." I wouldn't have a problem with that, except Bores was 15 when the first movie came out and almost 20 when the sequel came out. That's well past the stage of being grown up. There's nothing wrong with seeing these films as an adult, but saying you grew up with them when you didn't is not needed.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The lack of Scott Pilgrim is very telling. I mean, leaving it off the list makes Chris look like even less of a gamer (and a geek/pop culture lover) than before. Pilgrim was easily one of my most anticipated movies of that year (and I'm definitely not alone), especially since, like Dan said, aside from Toy Story 3, Iron Man 2, and Inception, the other summer genre movies of 2010 were forgettable at best.

    I'm really passionate about this point, because during the summer of 2010, I read all 6 Scott Pilgrim books, and the experience was very emotional and nothing short of life changing.

    ReplyDelete