Friday, April 30, 2010

A Lying Trailer & His Biggest Fan

Oh looky here, a new trailer from The Bores. History of Video Games Part 3.
Once again, the first History of Video Games came out early May 2009, so in the course of a year Bores released 3 parts of this “epic series”. Give up Chris, this won’t convince us you’re a gamer and at the pace you’re going we’ll reach the Atari 2600 in 2021.
By the time you reach the NES, the Internet will be similar to Avatar.

So IG says in the trailer that the footage he has doesn’t exist anywhere else on the Internet. Showcasing the games Pong (are you kidding?), Space Race, Gotcha, Rebound, Gran Trak 10, and Tank. All the Arcade versions.
Wow, footage so rare that… OH WAIT WHAT’S THIS?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPkUvfL8T1I
The original Arcade Pong? Oh well that’s common for… OH WAIT WHAT’S THIS?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s34d3Rm-VZY
Why it’s Gotcha, another game that Bores claims nobody has footage of. Well 2 out of… OH WAIT THERE’S MORE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vo1I00cqwA
There’s Rebound, that’s half of his proclaimed rarities with existing… OH HERE’S ANOTHER!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8_qBiQ0udM
There’s Ultra Tank, which Bores just calls “Tank” for some reason.

See, footage of 4 out of 6 “never-before-seen” games. Sure, he got lucky with Space Race and Gran Trak 10, but that’s still bad form to brag like that.

But the trailer is not done, Bores pretends to be the audience and asks “How is this Possible?” and he answers “We Rock, deal with it.” Hey, here’s my question Chris, could you be anymore of a pretentious dick?
I’m sick of your ego, I’m sick of your attitude, and I’m sick of you. Stop making videos!

Oh, apparently Chris went to an actual Arcade to play the games. I really hope he didn’t get on a plane and go to a different state just to make this ONE VIDEO.
It’s a waste. It’s a waste of time that could be spent towards bettering your writing and acting, and a waste of money that could be used towards something that isn’t a plane ticket to an arcade just to try and prove to the world you’re a gamer.

See, people that make reviews use a simple approach. They get more elaborate as time goes on but they still keep it simple. Sure, the crew at TGWTG have the talent fly out for crossover videos, but that’s something completely different. People enjoy the crossovers, they enjoy seeing the crew interact and have fun, and we keep coming back for more.

It just seems like Bores is wasting time & money, that’s all.

As for the title card, you wanted to know what a shit eating grin looks like Bores? Look at that picture.

I’ll cover History of Lies Part 3 when it eventually comes out.

Right now, I want to do something a little different. It’s still hard to believe that the Irate Gamer has actual fans, and not just people that pretend to be fans only to actually make fun of him.

We’ve seen some really bad ones, but the worst is “iratefanboy345”. What’s so bad about this one? Let’s find out.

http://www.youtube.com/user/iratefanboy345 This is his account.
Sometime in late 2007 this guy released a video saying “AVGN rips off Irate Gamer! Proof Inside!” in what seems like a response to SlyDogStudios comparison video (and one of the first to expose Bores for his theft).

The video has been taken down, so I’m going by memory (and an evidence guide on ED) to recall this.

SlyDogStudios’ (now PlayTheNESDotCom) video can be seen here:
http://www.livevideo.com/video/96956A9FC8BB489EA7BC99AAADF8B61C/irategamer-vs-avgn-comparison.aspx

Mr. 345’s examples in this video were as follows.

One: Using Steve Urkel as a joke.
IG example: The random Urkel picture in Mission: Impossible.
AVGN example: Urkel showing up in Die Hard.
Why 345 is wrong: I already explained this in my Redux Recap of Mission: Impossible, but here’s a quick summary. Reginald VelJohnson played main characters in both Die Hard and Family Matters, since James was a fan of both he decided to make a reference to it. All Bores did was be “random and wacky dur hur hur”.

Two: Comparing one game to another.
IG example: Comparing killing 50 enemies in Back to the Future to unrelated parts of other games.
AVGN example: Comparing dying in Silver Surfer sends you back to the beginning to dying in Contra starts you back where you left off.
Why 345 is wrong: Comparing and contrasting something bad to something better has been used in any form of review for a long time. This isn’t something exclusive to the Irate Gamer.

Three: Using glowing eyeballs
IG example: The brief glow at the end of Ghosts N Goblins before destroying the game.
AVGN example: The end of this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb0Ty41jWxQ
Why 345 is wrong: Even though glowing red eyes isn’t exactly new, the AVGN example used came out in 2006. It was uploaded to YouTube a year later, but you can tell this is old because he calls himself The Angry Nintendo Nerd.

Four: Using the same music
IG example: The music playing during his “Irate nature running on…” droning from Where’s Waldo
AVGN example: Music playing during the AVGN’s Atari 5200 review… wait what?
Why 345 is wrong: I thought iratefanboy edited the footage that time, because the scene shown didn’t have that music. Plus the Atari 5200 review came out BEFORE Bores started out.
Then I learned it was from the trailer to the Atari 5200 review, posted on YouTube May 2007 (long after the actual review came out). Still, 345 is wrong.
Plus, the music used is probably a default in Final Cut, it was used again in Board James’ Weapons & Warriors video.

Obviously, people called bullshit on this. Though some of the dumber users started to questioning this.
Anyone that disputed these retarded claims, iratefanboy345 would say to them “You’re wrong, I’m right. Stop being an AVGN cock-sucker.” Mature isn’t he?

However, a far more offensive move was his second video “Standing up for the Irate gamer”. This one is still up, and I’ll debunk all the bullshit spewed in this one as well.

The first card tells us he’s here to set the record straight about all the bullshit surrounding the Irate Gamer. I’ll indicate it’s me talking with a dash.

Rumor: He is a Plagiarizer
- That’s not a rumor, that’s the truth.
Fact: People throw this term around have no idea what this concept actually means.
- Maybe little kids, but I think the clear-headed have a good idea what it means.

Plagiarizing is the act of copying someone word from (sic) word.
- Wrong sir wrong! Under the Dictionary.com definition approved by multiple organizations that all claims of originality are null & void, as you can read at the site itself. “The unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author blah blah blah et cetera et cetera.” It’s all there, black & white, clear as crystal. You stole from The Angry Video Game Nerd, you pretended you were original and now we all have to suffer so you get nothing! You lose, good day sir! And yes I’m very much aware of the hypocrisy.

Irate puts everything in his own words and puts his spin on old jokes just like The Simpsons and Family Guy does (sic).
- Let’s see, in the first 12 episodes you stole most of his TMNT review, most of his Back to the Future review, his Chronologically Confused bit, his “die die die” bit from Silver Surfer, and tried to alter them so they sounded “original”. Something is off here.

In the one instance where copied “Shitload of Fuck” he apologized to James personally, to which the piece of shit Mike Matai (sic) then shamelessly posted publicly in an attempt to discredit him.
- Mike MatEi has cleared this up with me. Bores sent that letter before the TMNT review came out, back then they didn’t consider him a problem since everyone was doing angry reviews. They just thought he was a big fan. It wasn’t until after the TMNT review that Mike posted that letter on ScrewAttack, mostly for his claim that he wouldn’t copy him anymore and the TMNT review was an exact match. It was posted because he was being a dishonest dick. Not because he wanted to make him look bad (Bores was already doing enough of that).
- By the way, why would you know about the conditions of that letter Mr. 345?

Rumor: He Rips off the Nerd
- Also not a rumor, his show’s style and concept is EXACT. Hmm, this random capitalization looks familiar.
The Nerd was no doubt an inspiration
- Is that why Bores claimed it wasn’t him but “100 other reviewers” that inspired him in that radio interview?

But they both have 2 different unique styles of reviewing.
- Pfft hahaha. The AVGN reviews bad games from the 80s and 90s, accentuates his anger using cuss words and even combining them, and in some reviews he destroys the game. The Irate Gamer reviews bad games from the 80s and 90s, accentuates his anger using cuss words and even combining them, and in some reviews he destroys the game. THAT SURE IS DIFFERENT!

But there’s a demand for it and he’s supplying the demand.
- Hey 345, YouTube videos are not products. It’s not something you buy at a store. When I reveal the truth about Mr. 345, you’ll see why this statement is incredibly dumb.

Competition is good because it make both work harder.
- God this grammar is atrocious. YouTube videos aren’t a competitive sport, most people make them for fun.

Examples: Letterman and Leno
- Funny how you mention those two as Jay Leno has been accused of stealing from David Letterman and Howard Stern. Now he stole The Tonight Show from Conan O’Brien.
Pepsi and Coke
Sirius and XM
- This is another argument I’ve seen from his idiot fans. “Durr, if we can’t allow IG then why should we allow Pepsi & Coke or other products.” Again, this isn’t a product! These are just videos made for the Internet, this isn’t TV or movies.
- WWF and WCW
Are you stuck in the year 2000? The WCW has been defunct for years, and the WWF became the WWE in 2002.

Rumor: The Nerd is oh so original himself.
- Not a rumor, that’s an opinion. Like all the people that say he’s just a childish version of seanbaby (which is hard to argue because seanbaby himself is childish). I’ll get into the seanbaby rip-off accusations later.
The Nerd draws inspiration from various sources.
- Yes, like his favorite movies.
One even being Irate gamer.
- What?

Since Irate has been popular, the Nerd has resorted to using more special fx’s (ex: Die Hard) & game sprites (Halloween) (Dragon’s Lair).
- WHAT? The AVGN has always used effects in his reviews, as early as The Karate Kid (throwing a controller causes an explosion) and Top Gun (the Hadoken and Sonic Boom that destroys his TV). The Irate Gamer wasn’t a “cause for alarm”. Sure, The Nerd using sprites was fairly recent at the time this video was made, but they’re part of the joke. They aren’t randomly placed in there to be wacky.

These are 2 things the Irate Gamer uses to separate himself from the rest.
- You mean be an asshole because “100 other reviewers” didn’t have high production values so he decided to “show them how it’s done.”

Rumor: He gets his facts wrong.
- That’s a fact. Like when he said Turtles in Time was only on Super Nintendo, the TMNT Arcade Game came before the NES game, there are no special moves in MUSCLE, that Nintendo stole from Doki Doki Panic, that there’s no character named “Brand” in The Goonies, that people can’t tell the difference between an Arcade game and an NES game in Ghosts N Goblins, that the only other weapon in Ghosts N Goblins is the fire, that Jaws was immensely popular in the early 80s, and various other inaccurate “facts”.

If you put any show under a microscope, you will find errors, Even (sic) the ones made for network TV.
- They aren’t talking about continuity errors, it isn’t like “the glass is full here, and 5 seconds later it’s empty” or “you can clearly see the string!” Unless you’re talking about shows like Law & Order that make DNA tests go faster then normal, TV can get away with that. It’s TV, they have to fill 22-44 minutes of material. It would be boring to see someone wait six weeks for DNA results. It’s called suspension of disbelief, and Chris Bores fails at suspending mine.

Even AVGN makes mistakes and errors about the games he reviews (ex: Independence Day).
- What part is this referring to? Also, I wouldn’t talk considering that the AVGN doesn’t have an ENTIRE page dedicated to his research failure at TVTropes.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/DidNotDoTheResearch/TheIrateGamer No really, he fails so much an entire page was dedicated to pointing them all out.

Considering that there are around 3 errors in over 13 shows and over 2 hours of footage is pretty damn impressive.
- 3? That’s being too kind Mr. 345.

Rumor: He is the most hated person on Youtube
- Again, this is an opinion not a rumor. Sure I don’t like the guy, but there’s other scum people hate like Shane Dawson.
The numbers support that he is the most popular video game reviewer on Youtube (Yes, the AVGN does not review here anymore so this statement is accurate).
- So by your logic Avatar and Titanic are the greatest movies ever made?

These lies are actually started by other video game reviewers who are jealous of his fame.
- Why would I be jealous of Chris Bores? I don’t want hundreds of hate letters a day, I don’t want to have slurred speech, I don’t want to be ridiculed every single minute of every single day. Why would I want that?

CASE IN POINT: Irate Started (sic) in April 2007 and has become more popular than:
Silent ROB, Luizprowler (it’s Prower), Big Gay AL (wow that’s mature).
- Again, numbers mean shit. If numbers equal quality, then Fred is the greatest entertainer alive.
These people have all been around since 2006, They (sic) are the biggest Anti-Irate supporters, and they are still unpopular.
- What exactly is your definition of popularity Mr. 345?
They are all jealous.
- Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
- This goes out to everyone that claims we hate something because we’re jealous.

Rumor: Irategamer removes all videos bashing him.
- Well, it’s not like anyone else had ownership of “Y2B Productions”.
Fact: Search for Irate gamer on YT and you’ll find at least 25 videos that are against him. These videos have not been removed.
- So? You could search Spoony One in YouTube and find at least 25 videos against him. Same applies for everyone else.

As long as your video doesn’t infringe on copyrights or slandeing (sic) lies about him as truth, you have nothing to worry about.
- Even though none of the videos had footage from his show, and many of them were telling the truth. Only Silent Rob’s video could be considered slander (multiple references to Bores loving the cock) By the way, why do you know his standards Mr. 345?

If it were up to me, I’d be removing a lot more videos than he does.
- … You’ll see why this line is retarded very soon.

Rumor: The AVGN is Better (sic)
- OPINION! NOT RUMOR!
The AVGN’s 15 minutes are almost up.
- 2-3 years later he’s still popular and doing even better then before. Only people that agree with this statement can’t seem to understand the joke. On a side-note, the Action 52 episode was awesome. Can’t wait for the Cheetahmen episode (makes me wonder how much James paid for Cheetahmen II).

His latest review is just a mish-mash of his old jokes replaced with new words.
- *goes to check what his most recent review was* It was Dragon’s Lair. What is he talking about that episode wasn’t a “mish-mash”.

His style of reviewing is almost tapped out.
- Well, seeing how your idol does the exact same thing, then it sounds like he’s tapping out as well.
Irategamer on the other hand keeps pushing the envelope with new thoughts and ideas.
- What envelope? What new thoughts and ideas? What are you talking about?

So the video ends here, and again nobody bought into this bullshit. It seems the only two people defending iratefanboy were 345 himself and a user named eallen001, hmmm.

345 continued to release slanderous videos, including an accusation that AVGN in front of a fire background is stealing from IG (yeah…) and claims that AVGN steals from seanbaby. You’ll see why this is an extreme dick move.
Only two other videos remain on his account, one where he claims the AVGN was “pwned” because he took down that fire picture from his MySpace account (maybe he just felt like changing it moron?) and the “un-seen” April Fool’s Day joke at the ScrewAttack forums where each instance of The Nerd’s name was changed to “Irate Gamer”. He claims they took it down after two hours because they were afraid of IG.

So, what’s the big shocking secret about this guy? It’s not really shocking, but… iratefanboy345 is Chris Bores.
That’s right, Bores was so desperate for attention that he created a sock puppet account in order to make the AVGN look bad. That… is fucking pathetic.
Goes to show what kind of scum Chris really is.

I know you’re thinking “That’s not right, Bores wouldn’t sink that low” well there are clues. The only other person defending 345 was eallen001 AKA Eric Allen AKA The Wise Sage. 345’s spelling and grammar has very similar mistakes to the ones Bores makes. Plus, who else would get offended by an April Fool’s joke about him?
Doesn’t the format of the “Standing up…” video look similar to IG’s “This Video Contains Explicit Language” warning?

That’s all I have to say about this, Chris Bores is dishonest shit and needs to get the fuck off YouTube. He doesn’t have any other safe havens, any other forum or site that mentions him or uploads his videos is met with scathing comments. So either way, he’s dead in the YouTube water.

Until next time, I leave you with this: http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A18JIKS820QHM6/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp Note that it was made in 2006 so it’s not fake.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Irate Gamers' DVD: Is it worth it?

Since I started doing the redux recaps, I’ve had to rewatch his old videos. Then I thought “I could use this opportunity to find the differences on his DVD.” So thanks to a channel at DailyMotion I can see if paying $12 for a burned DVD-R is worth it.

Here’s a list of changes Bores reported to have made to the DVD versions (taken verbatim from his site).
- Episodes 1, 2, and 3 re-edited and reworked
- Ep 5 - Dialog reworked
- Ep 6 - Alternate scenes filmed, Dialog reworked
- Ep 7 - Alt. scene re-filmed, Dialog reworked
- Ep 8 - Added rant included, Alt. scene re-filmed, Dialog reworked
- Ep 9 - Major upgrades, Alternate scenes re-filmed, Dialog reworked
- Ep 11 - Scene added, Dialog reworked

Let’s see how honest he is about this.

Link to the Channel:
http://www.dailymotion.com/IrateGamerSucks
Despite the same name as the blog, it’s not me.

Back to the Future:
- Theme Song Added
He added the theme to all the videos that didn’t use it.
- Added (copyrighted) material
-- Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot were added to the opening theater scene. Though they couldn’t stand his presence so they left before it ended.
- Removed Clip
-- The bit where Marty asks the bartender for a “Pepsi Free” and is told he has to pay for it. Not sure why he removed this clip but kept the movie footage in the opening and Marty saying “This has gotta be a dream”

Difference from the Original: Almost non-existent. With the exception of the MST3K characters (which his fans wouldn’t understand) it’s the exact same review.

Where’s Waldo?:
- Theme Song Added
- Removed Clip
-- When asking about the other characters he leaves out the Evil Waldo. That’s a bizarre edit.
- Removed Clip
-- He removes the footage of him playing the final level. Hinted by him saying “Let’s just skip to the ending.” What a completely necessary change… I’m lying of course.

Difference from the Original: Almost non-existent. Except for a couple of randomly removed clips, there’s no difference from the YouTube version. He didn’t even correct his “Super Mario World on the NES” mistake.

The Goonies II:
- Theme Song Added
- Altered Dialogue
-- Original: I fondly remember this game as a kid, I loved the movie so much I went out and bought it. But as much as I loved the movie, I had the opposite reaction to this game.
-- DVD: Who can forget this classic game? *skips right to the title complaints*
So he shortened it to outright say he liked this game, making all of his complaints even dumber.
- Removed Footage and Dialogue
-- He removes the movie footage (seriously) and the speculation that it’s a sequel to the movie.
Strange how he removed the footage here, but didn’t remove it from the Back to the Future review.
- Removed Dialogue
-- He removed the descriptive line about how this game doesn’t have levels and you go around looking for items.
Note the very awkward transition.
- Removed Dialogue
-- When he’s told “You’re Braver Than Brand”, he removes the “I’ve honestly never heard that term before in my life!” line.

Difference from the Original: So far the only noticeable one. The movie footage is gone but some of the missing lines create awkward transitions.

Mission: Impossible:
- Theme Song Added
- Altered Dialogue
-- Original: What a shitload of fuck!
-- DVD: What a piece of shit!
This is the one everyone knows about so I won’t say much here.

Difference from the Original: Again, this is the only change everyone knows about. Strange how he doesn’t mention any changes to this episode.

Ghosts N Goblins:
- Theme Song Added
- Altered Dialogue
-- Original: When you think of one of the most hardest games for the NES…
-- DVD: When somebody asks you for five of the most difficult games on the NES…
Well it was kind of him to remove the “most hardest” line, he didn’t remove the second piece of bad grammar “I guarantee Ghosts N Goblins is probably on your Top 5 list.” Plus the new line makes it redundant.

Difference from the Original: All he did was change the opening line. I bet the people that paid for this are so happy right now. Although the list of changes was honest.

Jaws:
- Theme Song Added

Difference from the Original: NONE WHATSOEVER!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom:
- Theme Song Added
-- Oddly enough, it was added after the shockingly inept intro.
- Music added
-- He added light-hearted music to the part where he speeds up the game. I was lucky to even hear it, the volume was low.

Difference from the Original: Once again, there’s next to nothing.

Super Mario Bros. 2
… Nothing. There was nothing different. Everything was the same.

MUSCLE
Again, nothing was changed. I thought the user accidentally uploaded the original version by mistake, but I checked and it’s the DVD version.

I should mention that each video has better picture quality, but that’s standard with a DVD. That’s how I determined it was the DVD version of MUSCLE.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Once again, nothing was changed. DIS IS TOTALLY BETTER THEN NERD’S DVD DURP DUPR DURP.

Yo! Noid
- Added Scene
-- To my surprise there was a change. He pointed out the “mayer” mistranslation. Strange how he didn’t notice this the first time.

Difference from the Original: Noticeable.

That’s the Irate Gamers’ DVD in a nutshell, BUT WAIT there’s bonus features!
So we get a Making-Of feature where Bores is talking into a mirror about how the Irate Gamer show “became a huge success”, all the “hard work”, and a bunch of other lies that he thought up just to sell this burned DVD-R.
We also get bloopers, really REALLY bad bloopers.
The Hotel Gaming sketch, apparently it was good enough to be a bonus feature.
Finally, trailers for the TMNT and Yo! Noid reviews. I know movies put their trailers as an extra, but they can do that. Since IG is a series, it would make sense to put trailers for upcoming episodes. But that would be logical and obviously that can’t happen.

You can get all this for $8.99! Wait… wasn’t it $11.99? Apparently he has since lowered the price, and I can’t blame him. Nobody wants this piece of shit!

So, why did The Bores release this DVD 7 months into his show?



That’s right, the sole reason Bores rushed out his first DVD was only to compete with the AVGN’s first DVD.
In October, James announced that he was releasing the AVGN DVD very soon (I think it was October). Then like fucking magic, the Irate Gamer announced a DVD. However, this one was already in stock and available to purchase.

People like Armake21 or anyone with a brain saw this as a giant ruse just to make money. Anyone that purchased the DVD to see how bad it was, noticed that it was extremely rushed. Though, very few people actually did buy the DVD. AGEntertainment made a review of it (along with The Nerd’s DVD) and brought to light the altered Mission Impossible dialogue and the intact copyrighted footage.

And here’s an open question to Mike *****, what was your reaction to learning Bores was releasing a DVD?

As you might have guessed, the Irate Gamer DVD sold poorly. While The Nerd’s DVD sold out TWICE within a week, IG’s stockpile of DVDs stayed unwanted. Only being bought as gag gifts or from haters that use it to learn where he lives (no really, he sends out the DVDs from his home address).
Bores has mentioned a few times that he’s working on Volume 2, however very little has come from that. It’s very likely that it will never happen because NOBODY LIKES YOU CHRIS!

So there you have it, the Irate Gamers’ bomb of a DVD. Stay tuned for my Redux Recap of his review of The Simpsons Game.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Redux Recap: I Hope Zombies Eat You Bores.

EDIT: Bores has removed this version (only the remastered version remains).
You can watch the original here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x55z4n_irate-gamer-zombies-ate-my-neighbor_videogames

Oh man, I have to do this video now?
Might as well get through this, this is the Irate Gamers’ Zombies Ate My Neighbors review.

I love this game. Excellent gameplay, creepy soundtrack, great variety of weapons and monsters, and it’s damn fun. That’s the important thing, the game was fun.
This also happens to be the first Irate Game review I saw, hated him the moment he said this game sucks. As you can see, it won’t be easy for me to cover this review.

Begin.

Intro: The “Rate This Video” card has Bores’ head replaced with a pumpkin. Why? It’s a Halloween episode. Wow, something that actually makes sense.

0:02 - 0:46: The video starts without the theme song, huh. Instead we get Devil Bores declaring his plans for world domination because it’s Halloween. Laaaame. But his conquest will have to wait because he has a party to attend to. On cue, the Evil Gamer appears sitting on an invisible force (yeah his green screen cuts out the chair) reading a Nintendo Power (I’m a gamer guys, really!). I love how far they have to stand apart so Bores can do the split-screen effect.

Evil Gamer compliments him and then asks if he can return to the world of the living. If this was a realistic portrayal of Satan, then he would have laughed and roasted his ass. Instead, he says “I suppose I could, but just say out of trouble”, with Evil Gamer responding “Fine, but I’m not making any promises!” What a poorly-written line!

The Prince of Darkness if giving you life, on the condition that you don’t screw anything up, and then you backhand him in an instant. Is this supposed to emphasize how “evil” he is? If he was truly evil, he would eat babies or club seals, or eat baby seals that he clubbed to death! But no, all he wants to do is “take over the Irate Gamers’ show.”

0:46 - 1:07: Here’s our theme song, and it’s not instrumental Making Christmas. Instead we get some boring techno set to credits ripped straight from the Spider-Man movies.

1:08 - 1:48: We start the video with IG walking in dressed as… a Ghostbuster? I thought you were reviewing Zombies Ate My Neighbors. What’s with this get-up? He tells us there’s a ghost in the building and he’s going to flush him out. So, you saw a ghost in your house so you called yourself to take care of the ghost in your… take a writing course will you?

He walks into his room and one dull surprise later sees a zombie. How can we tell it’s a zombie? It’s saying “braaains, braaaains” over and over. How wonderfully trite.
Bores remarks that it’s a zombie, and even with this knowledge still tries to take it out with his Proton Pack. Good God this effect is bad. AVGN, Nostalgia Critic and Angry Joe did way better Proton Pack effects than this. Look at his acting as the zombie, what exactly is he doing?

Bores fails at getting rid of the zombie and remarks “I think I’m gonna need a bigger gun.” Ow, that hurts. I’ll be right back I need to go remind myself of a good zombie comedy.

“Toniiiiight, I’m gonna have mysellllllf a real good time. Cause I feel ali-i-iiiiiiive! And the wooooooorld, turning inside out yeah. Floating around, in ecstasy so don’t stop me now. Don’t stop me- cause I’m having a good time. HAVING A GOOD TIME!”

By the way, this entire scene? Big Lipped Alligator Moment. It’s never referenced again in the rest of the video. Sure, he does mention it in the TRAILER for his Resident Evil 5 review, but it wasn’t in the actual video. So again, it’s total BLAM.

UPDATE (1/16/11): For a long time I thought the zombie was played by Bores. Turns out it was played by his mother LadyBuggin777. Though it doesn't explain why they're standing so far apart like Evil Bores and Devil Bores at the beginning (shitty split-screen). Oh and guess what, she's not credited anywhere. Yeah, won't even credit his own mother.

1:48 - 1:54: DRAMATIC ZOOM FOR NO REASOOOOOOOOOOOON!
How did we transition from that painful “bigger gun” one-liner to the review? Context! Structure! Effort! (Thanks to DLAbaoaqu for bringing this up)

1:55 - 2:09: IG begins talking about the game. He notes that we should look elsewhere for a zombie game because “this one deserves to be chucked into the nearest meat grinder”. Aided by an image with the ZAMN cart going into a meat grinder. There we go, the moment I started to hate the Irate Gamer.

Remastered Edition Note: On Halloween 2009, Bores decided to be a lazy bastard and release a remastered version of this review (along with a moronic video about cereal). Unlike the MUSCLE review, there were a lot more noticeable changes.
The first came after his meat-grinder comment where he says “Okay, it’s not that bad. But it does contain a few things that could really piss a gamer off.” Probably added this thanks to the mountains of hate mail he got for bashing this game for absolutely retarded reasons. Still doesn’t work moron!

2:10 - 2:21: “The title screen does have a cool horror movie like feel to it” That’s the point.
“You’ll be fighting more zombies then you can shake a stick at.” Along with many other enemies.
“Zombies, zombies, and more zombies” When he says the last one, a picture of actor Aaron Spelling appears. Ugh. It doesn’t make sense to include Aaron Spelling, Aaron Spelling was dead by the time this video came out. How about Keith Richards, Chuck Berry, someone that’s still alive but looks like a zombie?

Remastered Edition Note: Bores added a scream to Spelling’s picture. Why? … I honestly don’t know.

2:22 - 2:31: He also remarks the zombies show up in the craziest places, lists off a few levels and “Barnes & Noble”. Along with a picture of the zombie sprites edited into a stock photo of a bookstore yelling “brains” with one remarking “Ooh Kama Sutra.” Do you even know what that is Chris?
These jokes are cheap. What age group is he directing these videos to?

2:31 - 3:03: IG explains the objective of the game. It’s harmless until he brings up that you don’t have to save everyone, prompting a scene where he doesn’t want to save a cheerleader because “every cheerleader (he) asked out in high school rejected (his) ass”. Why am I not surprised?
He has her killed and “serves you right, bitch.” By the way, cheerleaders are worth the most points so it’s incredibly stupid to have them killed on purpose.

3:03 - 3:13: He starts talking about the weapons. Following this with a scene where he squirts a cheerleader with his water gun and remarks “Hmm, that doesn’t look right.” Oh wow, a masturbation joke, how hilarious.

Remastered Edition Note: Just like the MUSCLE review, Bores felt the need to explain this joke. Originally he said “Hmm, that doesn’t look right” leaving it up to the imagination. In the remastered edition he says “Hmm, way to jack-off on the cheerleader pervert!” ruining any comedic value that joke had.
Does Bores honestly think explaining the joke is a good thing? That ruins it! A good comedian doesn’t explain the joke! Sure, there are exceptions (“The hammer is my penis”) but those are also enhanced by having good writing and other funny jokes. Chris Bores fails at everything related to comedy!

3:14 - 3:39: IG tries to figure out how popsicles can be used as a weapon against zombies (it’s a video game, who cares?) and then suggests everyone to try it out. This is quickly followed by a disclaimer from the Umbrella Corporation telling people not to try it. Oh hey, another “I’m a gamer guys, really” moment. I guess Bores is embarrassed to have Jennifer do a voi- waaaaaait that’s just Bores doing a woman’s voice!

I checked a FAQ and the popsicles are effective against Jelly Blobs and is the only weapon that’s able to hit every enemy. Still, it’s a video game who cares if it’s realistic? Is it any crazier then killing zombies with a squirt gun?

3:40 - 3:56: He notes how the first few levels are “chuck-full” of zombies. It’s chock-full, not chuck-full. A chuck-full is what happens when I marathon the show Chuck with a stockpile of Subway sandwiches.
He starts to list off the other monsters. Anyone wage that he’s going to include a random reference to something that’s obviously not in the game?
“Mummies, vampires, Frankensteins…” Frankenstein’s Monster!
“… aliens, killer dolls, werewoofs (sic), sandworms, giant babies, Count Chocula…” Yaay I was right! I win nothing.

I like how he gets hit after he mentions each monster, he really sucks at this game.

Remastered Edition Note: For some reason he altered the Count Chocula part. In the original, it’s just a stock image in the corner of the screen. In the remastered edition, it’s a stock image in the center of the screen. Why? … … … …

3:57 - 4:06: IG starts whining about these other monsters and says “this game is called Zombies Ate My Neighbors, not Monsters Ate My Neighbors.”
I facepalmed so hard at this I actually hurt myself.
Who cares about the fucking title? Why are you so obsessed with the titles? It doesn’t effect the overall game!
The whole game is throwback to 50s horror movies, the 3-D glasses, the disposable soldiers, the classic monsters. Who cares if it’s more than zombies?
Either way, you’re complaining about a game having variety. If it was just the zombies, it would be way too easy. Though, that seems to be what you like. Then again, you’d complain about that as well.
There’s a difference between being “angry” and being “unpleasable”. Angry is learning a sequel to a game you liked was really bad (Ghoul Patrol, the sequel to ZAMN), unpleasable is the Sonic fanbase. The way you constantly contradict yourself and bitch, you’re more like the “Whiny Gamer” than “Irate Gamer”

Oh man, went off on a tangent there. Let’s move on.

4:06 - 5:28: Bores wonders why the game doesn’t have skeletons and… decides to ask one. What?
“So joining us live to the Irate Gamer show connected by via satellite…” By via satellite? What you’re saying is “connected by through satellite”. You couldn’t do another take of this?
“… Ronnie the Skeleton!” Ladies & Gentlemen, introducing the fifth character in the Irate Gamers’ repertoire of cliché bullshit. Ronnie the Stereotypical Jewish Skeleton. I hate Ronnie, a lot. At first I thought he was “so bad it’s good” but he’s really horrid. He’s overused, he’s not funny, and he’s ANNOYING! Even The Bores realizes this, constantly telling Ronnie to shut up. Yet he still uses him way too much!
I get the feeling Bores doesn’t realize Ronnie is an offensive stereotype. Maybe he saw Mort Goldman on Family Guy and thought he could use that.

Oh right the video. He introduces Ronnie and asks him to tell us about himself. This results in a LOOOOOONG gag where Ronnie doesn’t stop talking. It stops being funny the instant he starts talking. This isn’t humor, this is padding. This is Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff walking through a cave for 10 minutes, this is… DEEP HURTING! DEEP HURTING!
Bores ends this by telling… someone, to shut off the feed. TOO LONG!

By the way, check out the decorations The Bores has up for Halloween. A toy castle and a string of orange Christmas Lights. SPOOOOOKY!

5:28 - 5:48: IG starts whining about the Ants, that they’re too difficult and take too many hits to kill. You know, this would be a convincing argument if it wasn’t obvious that he completely sucked at the game. He keeps running into them, and he’s only using his squirt gun.
In fact, he’s using all the good weapons on the easy to kill zombies, but saving his squirt gun for the tough to kill enemies. What an idiot.

Remastered Edition Note: Bores cut out this part. A user named LuizPrower made a series where he played through the same stage without dying, using only one weapon, and even without using a weapon. Safe to say he got owned.

5:49 - 6:09: He mentions another annoying thing is that you only get 3 lives and passwords every few levels. WOW! It’s like some sort of… video game! Explain more of this voodoo to me Mr. 20 Years.
We cut to Bores listing off ways you can get hurt in the game ending on electrocuted causing him to get zapped. Followed by a painfully forced “what the fuck?”
What electrocuted him? Never explained! I have a feeling this was one of those moments where he wanted to show off his “masterful special effects”.

6:09 - 6:26: IG starts complaining that in the later stages, it goes from being an action game to a “fustrating quest” for items and passages. All while fighting monsters and making sure the neighbors survive.
So in laymen’s terms, he just complained that the game gets harder in the later levels. So… 20 years huh?

6:27 - 7:03: He notes that setting up the game like this “flips (his) shit”. Again, you’re complaining that the game gets harder in later levels!
But there’s no time for pointless bitching, we’ve got another unfunny sketch! IG’s phone starts ringing, and wonders why because “this isn’t a call-in show.” Watch Homer the Vigilante recently?
Who happens to be on the other end but Ronnie! Yes more padding as this stereotype continues to blabber on! So The Bores ends the joke the same way, by telling… someone, to cut the line.
Wait, he’s the one that answered the phone. Why didn’t he just hang up? Bad writing.

7:04 - 7:29: We cut to… what the hell? Bores is fighting the final boss but now he’s Julie instead of Zeke. The quality is also different.
That’s right, Bores is so bad at the game that he couldn’t even get to the final boss. He had to take footage from someone else. Look, I know the game is hard but if you… I don’t know this review just hurts.

Bores reaches the Credit Level, mentions how instead of “boring credits” we have to save the neighbors again. He contradicts himself saying this level is a stupid cop-out, and blames the developers, “ex-pecially” Mark Hutchinson. What did he do? All he did was help code the game. This isn’t anger, this is whining.

7:30 - 7:39: Then he starts complaining that they don’t tell him if the zombie problem was solved, and “as a gamer, I must know things like this” YOU’RE NOT A GAMER! Why do you care? What is your obsession with endings? Publishers don’t use that as a selling point. “Awesome graphics, great controls, 30 playable characters, and an ending that explains something.” GAAAAAAAAH!

So the video ends with IG yelling “Because they did such a shitty job on this game, here’s a special Irate Fuck You to you.” WHAT? No! They didn’t do a shitty job! You’re a wuss, a pussy, a fucking fraud, you know nothing rae;lk5jq23;45l23jqio5lk;2;34 ruasdoklr;jw4;l5kj34;qkl 5j34qkl;j6 … Okay. Okay. I’m cool. I’m cool.

IG “destroys” the game by opening his toy ghost trap, creating some lame effects, and throwing the game in. You can see it “explode” implying that it wasn’t sucked in. How does that make sense? The ghost trap is for ghosts, if you wanted to kill this game like a zombie then maybe a shotgun.
I have a feeling this was originally a Ghostbusters review, but due to all the heat he received for ripping off the AVGN he quickly scraped this together. In fact, the only time you see the cartridge with Bores is at the end, which he probably filmed last.

The phone rings once more, causing Bores to run off because he thinks it’s Ronnie (don’t explain it). Immediately after Bores leaves, the Evil Gamer runs in and declares the show is his. Hmm, I wonder why IG didn’t see his evil twin as he was running out. He exited to the left, and Evil Gamer came in from the left.

Here’s some grade-A acting, Evil Gamer tries to sound evil at first but when he announces he’s reviewing a game he reverts back to his normal voice. How very Wiseau.
But before he can tell us what game it is, Ronnie calls and Evil Gamer answers it. That’s it.

THIS REVIEW IS HORRID! All he did was bitch about the dumbest shit. “Durr, there’s more than zombies, you only get 3 lives, the game is too hard” FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! Gaaah!

So as you can see, it’s clear to why I hated this guy from day one. Any hardcore gamers after this that still liked him, I pity you. You’re the scum of the gaming community, willing to laugh and enjoy anything video game related no matter how unfunny or boring it really is. Supporting hacks like Game Dunce, Silent Rob, and of course Chris Bores.

Next time: Not a redux recap. No, instead I’ll be looking over the differences of his DVD.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Redux Recap: This decent game sucks NOW BUY MY SHIRTS!

I’d like to remind you the first IG video came out April 28th 2007, and the main subject of this recap came out October 5th 2007. Keep this in mind when we get to the end.

The game IG is reviewing today is Yo! Noid, a difficult platform game made to advertise Domino’s Pizza. It’s actually a reskinned version of the Famicom title “Kamen no Ninja Hanamaru” or Masked Ninja Hanamaru. Of course Mr. 20 Years doesn’t bring this up so I’m doing it here.

I’ve played Yo! Noid, and it does not suck. It’s hard as hell, but it’s actually a decent game. Well it is from Capcom and everything they put out is high quality enter-

*Devil May Cry 2*

… Never mind.

Before he released the Yo! Noid review, Bores released a censored version of his TMNT review because he got too many e-mails telling him to cut down on the swearing. Needless to say, the idea wasn’t popular since he hasn’t released a censored version of a video since then.

Onto the actual video.

Intro: I’m looking at the picture he uses for his “Rate This Video” card and I have to ask. What’s wrong with your faaaace?

0:20 - 0:28: We start with Bores taking something out of the oven, showing us it’s a pizza (along with telling us, thanks we know what pizza is). He then hears annoying laughter and tells something off-screen to back off.
Is it me or does that pizza look fake?

0:29 - 0:47 “It’s time to avoid The Noid!” I can hardly contain myself. “Anyone who grew up in the 1980s” you mean 2% of your fan base?
Yeah this is just another boring history lesson.

0:47 - 1:03: We cut to Bores asking why they would make a video game based on The Noid. He considers it a huge selling out move and a “disaster waiting to happen”. During all this, pictures of The Noid are imposed to make it look like he’s being annoying. This is comedic timing at it’s worst, he keeps pausing waiting for The Noid to appear.

What would be funnier? Have The Noid constantly laugh while you try to talk over it. Getting progressively louder until you lose it.
And he ends this bit by hitting The Noid with a frying pan and staring at the camera. *sighs*

1:03 - 1:19: Bores’ first complaint is with the title (THIS TOTALLY EFFECTS THE GAMEPLAY!) asking why it’s “Yo! Noid” instead of “The Noid” and that it makes about as much sense as calling his show “Yo Irate Gamer.”
… Sorry I was busy caring about something else, did he deliver another terrible joke?

1:20 - 1:28: IG starts talking about the story. The objective is to save the city from The Noid’s evil twin (What’s his name? He’s not going to tell us). This prompts a cut to him exclaiming “Hey I have an evil twin! I wonder how he’s doing?” STOP!
You mean the evil twin from the Super Mario Bros. 2 review? The one you murdered and sent to Hell? Why in the holy mother of Kefka would you ask that?
To clarify, the Irate Gamer just asked how his evil twin was doing, the evil twin he killed 3 episodes ago. Do you even care about what you write? That’s absolutely retarded! That would be like Charles Manson waking up one morning and thinking “Huh, I wonder how Sharon Tate is doing.” Gah!

1:28 - 1:41: Apparently that horribly written line was setting up a skit, as we cut to “Hell” (rather Chris Bores in front a green screen with a fire background). The Evil Gamer (sorry couldn’t think of a nickname) is plotting his escape. You’re dead! You can’t escape that!
I love how unconvincing his evil laugh is. You need to be a LARGE HAM!

1:42 - 2:01: He also brings up how the mayor asks The Noid to stop him and wonders what stupid mayor would do that. Cliché fiction dictates that the good twin must defeat the evil twin, you’d think someone that made up an evil twin character would understand that!
Now for another lame joke! “Unless it’s the fucking Mayor McCheese, I’m not buying it *pause*.” That makes perfect sense, referencing a McDonalds character when talking about a Domino’s Pizza character. What’s next? Play Sneak King and make references to Jared of Subway?

2:01 - 2:22: IG FINALLY starts playing the game (learn not to pad!) and notes the graphics are quite good. Thus this is one of the greatest games ever… wait.
He then asks “did someone play this game before releasing it to the public?” Hmm, that’s close to Third Rate Gamers’ catchphrase, looks he did say it after all.
“It’s not set up like a normal game…” What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, I’d like to know.
“… and it’s also fustrating as fuck! *dies* She-it!” The first use of “fustrating”, another sign Bores can’t speak English properly. Doesn’t help when he actually spells it out like that.
“And expect to die often, I can not express this enough” Notice that he kills himself on purpose here. Not a very good argument when you die on purpose.

2:23 - 2:40: “It’s not an option folks, you are destined to die! Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit” it’s like you touch the top of the building you die, touch the ceiling you die, touch the floor you die, too far to the right you die, too far to the left you die, you die you die die die die die die die DIE! Oh God I can’t fucking stand it.
Yeah that’s pretty shameful, but it’s worse in a later review.
I should mention he says shit every time he dies. Then to show us how bad his timing is we get “Damn it, this game is the biggest piece of *pause* crap!” When is this idiot going to learn pauses hurt comedy rather than help it?

2:41 - 2:52: “You know, they should have added a heart system to make this easier!” Oh boo-freakity-hoo, at least his game is playable and it’s the good kind of hard.
“I mean, even a puff of smoke will kill your ass! What the fuck?” Once again, it’s called challenge.

2:53 - 3:39: Here he starts talking about the pizza eating contests.
He whines that we’re forced to do this while the “city burns down”, he enhances that last remark with a stock city covered in bad flame effects. That was completely necessary and add… you know what he really needs to stop doing shit like that.
I should mention in Kamen no Ninja Hanamaru, the end bosses were card-based battles that were adjusted to becoming pizza eating contests. But he wouldn’t know THAT!
“Now let me just tell you a little secret… I’m not a gamer.” No, he says “these are your stage bosses.” How is this a secret if you just said “at the end of each level?”
Then he starts complaining about things that can be easily avoided, like how taking too long to choose a card makes you lose. If you played this game, you’d know that choosing a card is very easy and not a time-consuming process.

3:40 - 3:54: Here IG complains that he still dies without touching the water. Uhh you did touch the water. For someone claiming to have played these games as a kid, you don’t know anything about them.

3:55 - 4:13: Now he begins whining about the pizza eating contests again. He says we get one at the end of each stage (false, you get one every other level) and that we can’t bypass it and we “have to sit here and take it like a bitch.” You know, the way he says that is very unpleasant. How can we be a video game’s bitch? Ooooh load times, this game is making me its bitch. Take a writing class.
Is it me, or his controller not even plugged in? Look at the wire on the floor, something about it is off. No this isn’t foreshadowing, it just looks weird.

4:13 - 4:23: “This game is baaaad.” Why? Because it’s too hard? Pussy.
“If it was up to me, I’d flush this fucker down the toilet!” combined with the screen getting flushed down the toilet. That’s the second reference to flushing something down the toilet. Now he’s starting to recycle his bad jokes, I’m going CRAZY!

*takes valium* We’re almost there.

4:23 - 4:38: We cut to IG ranting about Domino’s selling out. You can tell how angry he is about this by his bored tone of voice. Then suddenly he gets an endorsement check from Domino's, prompting a slack-jawed smile and dollar signs. I don’t like where this is going.

4:38 - 4:48: “But, what do I know?” Absolutely nothing.
So he talks about selling out when we cut to him covered in corporate logos. An A&W t-shirt, an Adidas hat, a bag of Doritos, and a can of Dr. Pepper. He tells us “A logo can go a long way” as he takes a sip and shoves the Dr. Pepper in our face. Ohhh wow, that so makes me want a soda that I have no interest in, I must go out and buy some.
And yes Chris, a logo can go a long way. When your logo is on something, the value goes down faster than a cheap hooker at a party hosted by GM.

Wait a minute, he only got a check from Domino’s Pizza. How does advertising a pizza chain lead to all those unrelated products?
I’m gonna say bad writing.

4:49 - 5:01: So IG starts PRAISING the game (I’ll get into why this really pisses me off in a bit) saying he saw the game ranked at #3 on a Top 100 NES Games list. What I want to know is where he got the original list? I want to see what it looked like BEFORE photoshop.

5:01 - 5:07: “And the game isn’t really that hard. If you die, that means you suck and are bad at it.” … Excuse me one moment. *runs 40 miles away* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs back*
You hypocritical son of a bitch. You complained when a game was too hard FAR too many times, and you pull this shit? I don’t care if he’s “selling out” and making the game look good, that does not excuse his hypocrisy! Fuck you!

5:07 - 5:12: Oh, that part was just leading into a stupid joke. “But don’t get mad, get Glad Lock Zipper Bags” followed by a thumbs up.

Here’s why the selling out pisses me off. I don’t care if certain bands, companies, or directors sell out. What I do care about are professional reviewers and video game companies that sell out. IGN, GameSpot, GT, any of the big sites often give high scores to games for early copies and extra money.
You remember Gertsmann-Gate at GameSpot? Jeff Gertsmann was the founder of GameSpot and one of the best reviewers on the site, albeit a controversial one (he gave Twilight Princess an 8.8, a justified score that still pissed people off). In his review of Kane & Lynch: Dead Men he gave it a 6.0 out of 10. At the same time, site owner’s CNET were heavily advertising the game on GameSpot. Eidos was not pleased with the score and ordered Gertsmann to be terminated.
All the details are unclear, but that’s the popular story. This led to a mass GameSpot exodus leaving the site as a husk of its former glory.
Then there’s the massive changes that went through the Rayman series, but that’s another story. Right now I have to finish this review.

5:13 - 5:40: IG starts talking about the ice level and if we aren’t careful you’ll slip right off. No, I already used DLAbaoaqu’s joke I’m not using it again.
During this there’s a scroll at the bottom telling us to watch Dancing with the Stars. This “joke” doesn’t make sense, Bores isn’t on ABC or any TV channel. Networks do that to advertise shows during the show, and they only advertise things that will be on the network. So is the Irate Gamer going to have Dancing with the Stars on his channel?
No, I’m just over thinking this stupid scene.

Then IG shows us one of the jetpack levels and calls it “cool and inventive” followed by a painfully fake laugh. Someone get Doug Walker to show this dickhead a thing or two about ACTING.

5:41 - 6:08: He enters the final pizza-eating contest (I’d like to thank Game Genie) and hopes we get a great ending. He sees the ending is just The Noid getting pizzas, pulling on his head-things, and a screen that says END. Great, more whining about lackluster endings. Here’s a good sign he’s not a gamer, his constant complaints over the endings in retro games. Were you expecting a fireworks display, millions of dollars, and women appearing to do whatever your heart desires?

So the review ends with IG getting pissy that the ending sucks and wondering why he’d ever endorse this game. He declares “I’m Irate dammit!” (nice read there) and that the only person he’s selling out to is… himself. He takes off his A&W shirt to reveal the official Irate Gamer t-shirt.
There you go folks, the entire point of this video right there. All the “jokes” about selling out and endorsements, and it could have been condensed to a 30 second commercial.

I brought up the dates at the beginning because he started selling t-shirts less then 6 months after he started doing this show. Making it perfectly clear that he’s only in this for money. That “I want to make video game reviews to entertain” speech? Total malarkey. His entire purpose behind the show was to make money off an idea that he didn’t create. Well done Chris Bores you dishonest sack of shit.

I love that pose he uses to model his shirt. It’s like “meh I don’t care, just buy it because I know you’re brain dead enough to do it.”

He tells Yo! Noid to “Yo fuck yourself” (Ugggggh) and throws the game hitting a Wilhelm imitator as he stares at the camera implying “Laugh here.”
But that’s not all, we return to Evil Gamer setting his plan into motion as he sends his army of slaves… Lemmings. Yeah I can see where this joke will go.
And I was right, all the Lemmings start falling into a nearby pit as Evil Gamer starts yelling for them to stop. What do Lemmings have to do with pizza, The Noid, or selling-out? Nothing, it’s just another “I’m a gamer guys, really” moments.

This review was terrible. The whole point was to reveal that he has merchandise now, making him look even worse after he stole the AVGN’s TMNT review. I doubt anyone bought his shirts, if someone over 13 did I foresee a lot of ass-whooping in their future.

Next time: The first IG review I saw and what made me hate the guy from day one.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Redux Recap: The Art of Ninjintsu? No, Art of Theft.

The other day I uploaded a post that upset a few people. Calling people out, saying that they were wrong about Bores. I was acting like a douche.
I’d like to issue this apology to anyone I have offended and let’s just move on from this.

That said, let’s begin the recap of the Irate Gamer’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles review.

Before this video was released, two big things happened that I’d like to bring up.

The first was a Thank You video that he mysteriously took down from his account.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2UKOjvQOec (re-upload from y2b2010)
When YouTube featured both the Super Mario Bros 2 and MUSCLE videos, his number of subscribers skyrocketed (back when YouTube didn’t just feature only Fred, Shane Dawson, and ShayCarl) so to “thank” his fans he made that video.

This is the video where he claims to have been playing games for 20 years and know all the ins & outs of them, his first major act of dishonesty.
If he does know the ins and outs of them, then let me ask some simple questions. Why did he think Toad was worthless? Why did he have to do “research” on Super Mario Bros. 2? How did he NOT know about the special moves in MUSCLE?
20 years my ass.

The second event I’d like to bring up was his letter to James Rolfe. Bores wrote a letter to James in hopes that he’d get his approval and wanted to apologize for using some of his lines. He soon forwarded the letter to Mike *****.
Back then, they didn’t think twice about him being a thief. A lot of people were inspired by the AVGN to make their own videos. Some were decent and some were… morbidly obese.

In the letter, Chris mentioned that he had hundreds of ideas after watching the AVGN videos but due to his job (what job?) he had to put them aside. *sniff sniff* Smells like bullshit.
He also said the first AVGN review he saw was TMNT. You’ll see why this is important.
He apologized for “accidentally” (bullshit) using some of his catchphrases, and hopes to one day do a joint-review with him (HAHAHA no).

You can read the letter at the Irate Gamer's Encyclopedia Dramatica page (just remember that it originally said "Hello James" and not "Hello Chris").

So why was this letter publicly released? Let’s watch and find out.

Intro: The first use of his “Rate This Video. Support the Show” title card. I’ll give him credit that he doesn’t say “5 Stars for Green Turtles” or “5 Stars to hear me say Sandwich” like many other YouTube Whores.

0:20 - 0:33: We start off with a second intro. This one showing footage from the TMNT Arcade game, and the part with the Turtles showing up has been replaced with Bores in different colored-shirts holding the Turtles respective weapons. Laaaaame.
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. Irate Gamer” Now that’s an episode I’d watch, all four of them wailing on him for being a total douche bag.

0:34 - 1:02: The actual video starts with Bores talking about TMNT: The Arcade Game
“Became an instant classic when released back in the 1980s” Is it that hard to say 1989?
“The graphics were cool, the levels were fun as hell, and the icing on the cake (sighs) was that you could play with three other people could play at the same time. This was the coolest feature in the entire game!” You know Chris, games like Gauntlet did this long before TMNT. It’s not like this game created that concept.
Pay attention to the first claim about graphics, it will come back in a very idiotic way.

1:03 - 1:16: Blah blah praise blah blah foot soldiers blah blah I don’t care.
“This game is everything a Turtles fan could ask for” Until Turtles in Time came out two years later… fuck.

1:16 - 1:34: “The only bad thing I can say is that you die a little too quickly” AND THUS IT SUCKS!
Really, that’s your only gripe? That the game is too hard. Why am I not surprised?
“Ahh the infamous shell shock. Who could forget that sound?” A lot of people, it’s not a memorable death sound like Pac-Man. Stop trying to reminisce, it’s not working at all.
“See, even dying in this game was cool!” Which makes me wonder why you were complaining about it at all. Contradictory asshole.
“Hell, if every game was like this one. I’d be out of a job!” No you’d continue doing what you always do, bash great games for idiotic reasons.

1:35 - 1:51: “A few months later, they decided to release a Ninja Turtles game for the Nintendo System” *buzzer* Ohhh I’m sorry Chris you lost the game. The NES TMNT was released first, the Arcade Game came out after that. You fail at history!
And stop calling it the “Nintendo System” nobody calls it that.
“After such an awesome arcade game, this was highly anticipated” Even though this game came first, I’m going to hate this video aren’t I?

1:52 - 2:02: Bores starts playing the game but gets immediately killed by a steam roller. He looks at his magic watch (I call it that because it appears when the plot requires it) and quips “5 seconds, must be some kind of record!” That’s not funny at all.

2:03 - 2:17: He notes the overhead view and that it’s “really weird” … No it’s not.
He also mentions that they got rid of the 4-player option and scaled it to one. Why is this a complaint? Oh right, he thinks this came after the Arcade Game. God this video sucks.

2:17 - 2:49: “You can switch out any of the Turtles by pressing the Select button” No, you do it by pressing the Start button. This is the second time he’s mixed up the two buttons, has this idiot even SEEN an NES controller?
Reminds me of Captain N where Kevin pauses time with the Select button, when most games have you pause with the Start button. Continuing to support my theory that all of Bores’ knowledge came from Captain N.

He starts talking about how Leo and Don are the best characters, but they’ll be the first to die (Here’s a tip: save those two for the tough parts of the game, don’t use them right away). If we lose both of them we should just turn the game off.
Look at this footage, he keeps walking into the enemies. He’s terrible at this game, he’s not even trying to win, he’s not even using his weapon. I don’t think he’s doing bad on purpose, you can’t fake that kind of suck.

2:50 - 2:56: We cut to IG pl- wow that’s not convincing at all! Terrible Winter Games action on his controller right now. Maybe that’s why he sucks at everything he plays, he actually uses the controller like that in real life.
Here’s some AAA acting “Fuck, I hate this game…” followed by him flipping off the TV. Yeah you don’t sound angry you just sound bored.

2:57 - 3:23: IG starts talking about the stage bosses and how we have some “real winners” here. He starts complaining that Bebop (whom he never refers to by name) is too easy since all he can do is beat him into a corner. I thought you liked it when the game went easy on you?
“But if you think that’s bad, remember the time I ripped off that popular series and made money from it?” Sorry, but he actually does say “you think that’s bad” a lot and it reminds me of the PAINFUL jokes of Family Guy.

Then he starts talking about the “Rocksteady Glitch” and whining that it defies some law of physics and that it’s stupid.
To be a little fair, the AVGN did say when talking about this “Here’s a trick I think everybody knows” … though he only brought it up because The Nerd brought it up. If he wanted to be different he wouldn’t have shown that.
And yeah, he doesn’t refer to Rocksteady by name either. I have a hard time believing he was a TMNT fan.

3:24 - 3:43: “Reminds me of this rooftop bullshit. Jump from the wrong place, and you go falling to the ground. *does so*” … Did he really just say that?
I’m going to need a minute.
Did he seriously think that would be a legit complaint? It would be like saying “shoot in the wrong direction and you’ll miss the enemy”. The way he says it, it sounds like this is the only game to do that. How could you write something like that in your script? Seriously… how can… FUCK!

Nice transition by the way, he was talking about the Rocksteady Glitch and then starts talking about the rooftop section. That makes perfect sense.

After saying that, he tries to get across the pit but only does so when he jumps from the bottom part. The first two times he did it on purpose. Also, you have to love how he uses Save States here, his health bar and score doesn’t change at all.

3:44 - 4:16: IG starts talking about the respawning enemies showing more of his forced anger. His anger is just putting me to sleep.
“What the fuck is up with the enemy selection in this game? Eyeball plants, rocket-pack flyers, guys on fire” the missile balloons, flying robot heads, those little butterfly things. Come on, you’re going to tell me he doesn’t steal from him?

4:16 - 4:40: He believes that the “jackass” that designed the enemies also designed the levels, smoooooth transition there.
He starts complaining about the pizza that’s impossible to get due to the spike traps, and to make sure we see it he uses a spotlight effect.
Look dumbshits, plagiarism does not mean word-for-word.
Here’s the definition from Dictionary.com
“the unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work.”
CLOSE IMITATION! An imitation does not mean exact! Plus, Chris never got permission to use his jokes, and he tries to pass it off as his own. That’s plagiarism and that’s a fact.

Here’s another example, in issue 13 of The Simpsons Comics, Bart and Milhouse create a character (Oyster-something it’s been a while since I read it) but their idea was rejected. A few months later they find their same character all over the place renamed “The Pearl”, and they want all of the money the character is earning. Get me now?

Oh yeah, and Bores thinks the hard-to-reach pizza is “a bunch of assburgers with a side of fries.” Hey fatso, get your mind off food for 5 seconds and actually play the game.

4:40 - 5:21: IG reaches the underwater level and “guarantees that anyone that’s played this level has probably been scarred from trying to beat this nightmare of a level”. Bad grammar AND redundancy, you’re on a role today Chris!
“Now if you’re just allowed to disarm the bombs it wouldn’t be a problem. But instead, they decided to make it much more challenging.” It’s like some sort of video game!
He starts whining that there’s too much shit here and that it’s impossible. If it’s so impossible then why is there footage from later stages?
I’m going to say Game Genie.

5:21 - 5:37: Bores reaches the part with very little safe-space and starts complaining that if he had enough time he could swim through it safely, but he only has a set amount of time…
Here’s the thing, he said the exact same complaint in the exact same screen. That’s plagiarism, and he still hasn’t admitted it.
I love how he isn’t even trying to avoid the seaweed, he spends more time in it then he does the open water.

5:38 - 5:55: We cut to some even less convincing Winter Games action (now he looks like he’s just dancing) as he dies again. He goes over to his NES, opens the dust tray (the cartridge isn’t even pushed in all the way) takes out the game without turning off the system (idiot) and… bites into it and somehow tears it in half.
Hi, I’m the Laws of Physics. NES cartridges are not made of paper, they can’t break in half by pulling on them with your teeth. For a “game destruction” sequence it makes absolutely no sense.
And to solidify how unoriginal this douche is, he says “What a piece of cowabunga shee-it!” Changing “Cowa-fucking piece of dog shit!” into something less vulgar doesn’t mean it’s original.

So there you have it, the reason Mike ***** uploaded that letter to the ScrewAttack forums. Most of this review was stolen from James, after he said he would stop stealing from him. That’s the second major act of dishonesty he’s committed.
But, we’re not done yet. We got through the “Unoriginal Half” of this video, we still have the “Idiotic Half”. Where IG reviews the three TMNT sequels.

5:56 - 6:12: “Now, I’m not sure if the backlash of this game was overwhelming or what” Daaah research what’s that?
The game sold 4 million copies, it’s one of the best-selling NES games of all time. If the backlash was overwhelming, then it wouldn’t have sold as much. Idiot!
IG starts talking about the sequel and how it was taken from “video game greatness” (it hasn’t aged that well to be honest, Turtles in Time is the far superior game) and that they should have done this right from the start. This is hurting my head.

6:13 - 6:17: IG puts the game in the system incorrectly! Seriously, he puts it in and doesn’t push it down. How the smeg does anyone think this frakhead is a gamer?

6:17 - 6:43: He starts up and says “Another huge let-down. What the hell is this? This is the arcade game? What a pixilated nightmare.” Newsflash buddy, it’s an 8-Bit port. You can’t expect Arcade perfect graphics on the NES, especially an Arcade Game from the late 80s boom.
His stupidity starts to unveil here. “Flashy intro, GONE! Cool graphics, GONE! 4-Player mode, GONE! Oh come on that was the best feature!”
*facepalm* Just… wow. I still can’t believe he said something this stupid. First of all, nobody cares about a flashy intro! We don’t play games to watch the opening cinematics (unless you’re the guys at Unskippable but that’s a different story), we play games to PLAY THE GAME!
Second, it’s an 8-Bit port. You can’t expect the exact same graphics! Hell, the NES version of Pac-Man doesn’t look as good as the Arcade version. The NES versions of Ghosts N Goblins, Contra, Gradius, 1942, Double Dragon, the list goes on. Yes they don’t look as good, but we don’t fucking care!
Third, the NES isn’t capable of 4-players! It only has two controller ports! There is the NES Satellite and Four Score but they only play a limited number of games. Not to mention, a 2-player game of TMNT II causes immense flickering, a 4-player game would break it!

“Where do they get off calling this the Arcade game?” IT’S A PORT! I still don’t understand what people see in this asshole.

6:43 - 6:53: “If they wanna be honest about the game, they should of just called it ‘Boo! Haunted House’ … I mean ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Suckass Poorman’s Version of the Arcade Game’” Why? Because the graphics aren’t as good? You god damn whore.

6:54 - 7:21: Notice that when he’s hitting enemies they go down in one hit? Can only be done with Game Genie. Loser.
He then complains that all you can do is jump, attack, and dropkick. Completely untrue (once again) pressing both the A & B buttons allows an awesome special attack. Making it much easier to get through this game. Also, all you could do in the Arcade version was jump, attack, and dropkick.

“And if you lose, that’s it game over. You don’t even get da option of continuing right where you left off.” The way you phrase that makes it sound like “die once and it’s over” even though we could clearly see that you get 2 extra lives. He also complains that the continue option forces him to start at the beginning of the level. This is the price of playing a home version! It’s called a challenge, they have to find a way to play the game without shoving quarters into your NES.

7:21 - 7:39: Now he starts complaining about the Pizza Hut ads in the game. He deduces that it’s because the Turtles eat pizza. It’s almost over…
Dude, the game came with a coupon for free pizza! You’d think that someone with knowledge of obscure food like old Lucky Charms marshmallows, Fruity Yummy Mummy, and old Kool-Aid flavors would know this!
Pizza Hut and TMNT did a ton of promotions together, I remember getting a VHS tape from Pizza Hut that had 3 TMNT episodes.

Time for a lame joke! He tells us to look for other corporate logos and edits in logos from Slush Puppies and Budweiser. Wow, even with his lame jokes he fails as a gamer. Nintendo wouldn’t allow alcohol references!

7:39 - 8:08
IG starts talking about the extra two levels and how everyone praises them. Being the biased ignoramus he is, he exclaims “Well la-dee-fucking-da, these levels suck!” Okay, care to tell us why? “Adding them was pointless and stupid.” No? Well fuck you too.

“In one level, the New York Zoo magically freezes over” no it’s a weather satellite from Dimension X. This level is based off an episode of the show. “At the end you fight a polar bear that looks like a cross between Joe Camel and Spuds MacKenzie” Oh look, more references your 11 year old fans won’t get.

Then… this. “Now I would have gladly done without these extra levels if they just used the extra space to make the game closer to the Arcade version.” I’m speechless.
He’s completely failed in trying to prove he’s a gamer, this is the gamebreaker. Any other attempt after that is a forced reference to an unrelated game. “Look, I’m referencing Pitfall! I’m a gamer dur hur hur” FUCK.

8:08 - 8:32: “Face it, breakfast is ruined! I mean, this game sucks, it’s boring and it’s stupid!” Are you sure you didn’t mean your videos?
So, just to clarify. This game sucks because the graphics aren’t as good as the Arcade version. You biased retard.

He dies to Rocksteady prompting a complete “I’m Acting!” moment with “Shell Shock! I’ll show you fucking shell shock!” prompting another lame game destruction scene. After taking the game out without turning off the system AGAIN, he attaches two electrodes to the cart somehow causing it to explode. PHYSICS!
Now you see why I call this the Idiotic Half.

8:32 - 9:04: But wait, there’s more!
Bores starts talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project. He says it improved on the second one by having better graphics and characters from the show (graphics whooooooore). Note that when he switches Turtles his life count doesn’t go down. That’s right, GAME GENIE! I’m not kidding when I say he uses it for every game.
Oh and that’s all we’re getting about TMNT III.

9:04 - 9:15: Cut to Bores telling us that this might be worth it, but says it sucks either way, throws it (with an unnecessary sound effect) and tells us there’s only one game worth owning.

9:16 - 9:31
He starts talking about TMNT IV: Turtles in Time. First line of this review “Released only on the Super Nintendo” … It’s official I’m in Hell.
Turtles in Time was originally an Arcade game and sequel to the first Arcade TMNT. It was ported to the SNES as Turtles IV and a retooled version for the Genesis called The Hyperstone Heist.
Proof that it was an Arcade game? THE BOX ART! Here’s what it says on the front cover.

“Board Shredder’s terror tour through time, direct from the SECOND ARCADE HIT, non-stop to your house, NO TOKENS REQUIRED.”

Then he compliments the game’s graphics, enemies, and levels. Bores, give us real compliments about the games! Except for the first NES title all you’ve been doing is talking about graphics, enemies, and levels. You suck!

9:32 - 9:42: “The only downside is that you can’t play 4-players” God not this shit again, dude the SNES doesn’t have 4 controller ports! Yes, there are multi-taps but they don’t support this game!
“But hell, with a game this good that’s something I’ll gladly overlook.” What? You complained when the NES version didn’t have 4-players but you say it’s okay here? Rrrrrrrr *stops and calms self* Let’s just get this over with.

9:43 - 10:03: IG starts talking about how the original Arcade game never saw “full glory” on the SNES (why would it?) and we had to wait for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Battle Nexus to get it as a bonus feature. Honestly that’s the only redeeming factor of that piece of shit.
Just FYI this video was released after TMNT Arcade came out on XBLA, but that would imply Bores even knew what an Xbox was.

Oh, and this line “It’s unclear as to why they only released Turtles in Time on the Super Nintendo” You know, just to make sure we get that he’s a total fucking moron.

So the video FINALLY ends with Bores in a weird wide-angle shot as… a barrel rolls by. What the? He says he has to go because he needs to play Donkey Kong. What does this have to do with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? We then cut to Bores literally playing Donkey Kong, as in he inserted himself into the game. That’s just shameful.

When he does sight gags like the barrel, his camera ruins the joke. Throughout the entire video you see him in the same spot each time, but when he’s suddenly in a wide-angle then you know something pointless is going to appear. Just another sign that Chris Bores is an incompetent filmmaker.

This review is bogus! Half of it was stolen from the AVGN, the other half was pure stupidity! It’s not as bad as the Super Mario Bros. 2 review, but it’s up there. Oh God it’s up there.

Next time, Chris Bores begins selling out less then a year after he started. Thus, his true intentions revealed.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Redux Recap: Muscles power your body Chris.

Welcome to another Redux Recap. I’m starting to recover from the last video and have enough strength to move onto his next review of MUSCLE for the NES.

I played MUSCLE before watching to see how “accurate” Bores really is, and surprisingly the game is really bad. The AI is wonky, the hit detection is very inaccurate, and the graphics are painful. But to be fair, it’s playable compared to other Bandai-released NES titles like Dragon Power, Gilligan’s Island and Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. However, Bores is going to focus on only one of the problems I mentioned. So, let’s watch.

0:18 - 0:24: “There were a lot of obscure games back in the day for the NES” Seeing how there’s well over 800 titles I can see how that’s possible.
“Some that were downright terrible” accompanied by a shot of him shoving NES carts into a garbage can. That was necessary and added a lot to your review… no wait I’m thinking of someone that’s competent my mistake.

0:25 - 0:30: “But is there anything worse then the game MUSCLE?” Let’s see *takes out list* Bebe’s Kids, Shaq Fu, Action 52, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Batman Forever, Dark Castle (Genesis port), The Wizard of Oz, Bad Street Brawler, Ninjabread Man, Sonic 06, Superman 64, The Guy Game, Simpsons Wrestling, shall I continue?
“I mean, what the fuck is a muscle?” … *puts down list* Are you retarded? No seriously, I’m actually asking if you’re legally retarded, that couldn’t have sounded good in your head! I’ve got nothing.
I’m surprised more people don’t know about this line, all they focus on is when he rips off the AVGN. I’m getting a feeling this review is only going to get worse.

0:30 - 0:52: Oh goody, backstory time. *grabs pillow*
He plops down a bunch of M.U.S.C.L.E. figurines and says this is where they came from. He also remarks it’s from a cartoon called MUSCLE *hits buzzer* Wrong! The show was called Kinnikuman, named after the main character.
However, we might have not heard of it because it only aired in Japan. Oh hey, something that’s correct. You get a cookie.

0:53 - 1:06: The knowledge that Kinnikuman was only in Japan somehow pisses off Bores. He begins whining about the idiot that thought it would be a good idea to bring over toys based off a cartoon we aren’t able to watch, hoping that the person got fired (wow he really has no idea how business works). He ends his little “tirade” saying that he’ll go back in time again and take care of business. *sighs* There’s a lot wrong with this one scene.

They probably wanted to bring over the anime, but the content was too explicit for 80s children’s broadcasting standards. Lot of toilet humor, Kinnikuman was a perverted slob, and there was a Nazi character that was edited in the US release of the game. It’s not like Robotech where they can take three unrelated shows with similar art styles and combine them into one (seriously that’s what Robotech is), Kinnikuman had its own unique style. The only other option was extreme censorship and that wouldn’t work either.

That line at the end boggles my mind. It’s obviously meant to reference his Back to the Future review, but he shouldn’t remember doing that! He was blinked out of existence (I still don’t know how since all he did was kill the president of LJN not his father) and at the end he clearly doesn’t remember going back in time. So how the hell does he have knowledge of that? Another example of why Bores is such a subpar writer.

Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah, the random Piranha Plant. What was the point? Was it trying to be like a TV show where two characters are discussing something serious but in the background you see a comical event? Well, when a show does that there’s often context to what’s going in the background. This just happened randomly for no reason.
Or was this another one of his “I’m a gamer guys, really!” moments? Still not working Bores, and it never will.

Moving on.

1:07 - 1:22: So he finally starts playing the game.
He notes the game has 8 fighters, and for some reason he references NBA Jam and Mortal Kombat. Why? Apparently they started the hidden characters trend. What does this have to do with anything?

1:24 - 1:50: However, he notes that even if the game had 100 characters (combined with a bad MS Paint effect where he copy pastes the icons all over the screen) it wouldn’t make “a bit a difference” since they all look the same. Then starts whining that they chose the most boring and unoriginal characters. You didn’t consider that these characters were important to the show?
Oh, he does. But he’s still annoyed that he couldn’t play as a giant globe or giant hand. Didn’t you just say that all the characters look exactly the same? If they included those wrestlers, they’d look exactly the same.

1:51 - 2:06: IG starts an actual match. He notes that all you can do is punch, jump, slam… and that’s it. That’s also wrong. You can do a clothes line, you can do a flying body attack, you can throw people into the ropes, and you can drop kick. Yes it doesn’t seem like much but this game came out in 1986, the NES was still young.
Oh, and this line happens “There are no special moves, no combo moves.” Of course there are no combo moves! The NES only has two buttons, you can’t really do a Killer Instinct style combo with that.
But no special moves; that’s 100% false. You’ll learn there are special moves in the first five minutes of playing it.
Did he ever play this game before making this video? He tries to pass off that he had this game as a kid, yet he knows nothing about it. More proof that he just bought all his shit off eBay to make money off an idea that wasn’t even his.
Remastered Edition Note: 9 months after this review came out, IG released a “Remastered” version of this video. However there were only 3 noticeable changes in this. The first was his removal of the “No special moves, no combo moves” line. I’m guessing the idiot got told too many times that he was wrong.

2:07 - 2:12: Cut to Bores saying the only move he wants to make is to the restroom so he can flush this game down the “toll-et” with the rest of his crap. Like how you flushed The Karate Kid down the… oh wait that’s the good reviewer.

2:13 - 2:32: IG then asks if he’s being too hard on this game, and decides to get a second opinion from a pro wrestler (what?) and he happens to have one on the show today. What?
And now time for character number 4 in the Irate Gamer’s repertoire of cliché bullshit. This is Tony, a basic sprite from the game Maplestory. His sole purpose is to just stand there and say his catchphrase “bang-a-lang.” What does that mean? I have no clue.
It’s kind of obvious that Tony is a rip-off of James Rolfe’s character Shit Pickle, whom he included in the AVGN review Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu. Only Bores wanted his fans to constantly say “bang-a-lang”, however even they thought it was stupid.

And here’s a bizarre fact. One of the comments asked Bores if he played Maplestory, his response is that he’s never heard of it. So, Chris Bores somehow animated sprites from a game he’s never heard of. I think the logical part of my brain just exploded.

Oh right the actual review. Tony comes on, says his stupid catchphrase, Bores asks what he thinks of the game, and he says “it’s terrible I wipe my ass with it.” Somehow this counts as a second opinion.

2:33 - 2:49: IG starts talking about the sound problems, pointing out there’s no background music (oh hey a real flaw) and that the audience is motionless and silent. Motionless yes, silent no. You can hear them cheer when a match starts, when you win a match, or when you grab a power-up. Oh that’s right, there are no special moves in this game. Why would I think otherwise?

2:49 - 3:43: We cut to IG saying the only thing that can save this game is having announcers and then… a really lame skit.
We cut to some stock audience footage (taken from a WWE match) with IG and Tony doing commentary as Chris Ross and Tony Lawler. I don’t get the Chris Ross joke (wasn’t a big wrestling fan) but does he think the little kids watching his show would get the Jerry Lawler reference? He does a lot of references his idiot fans wouldn’t get. I only got the Jerry Lawler reference thanks to Spoony.
Oh, and he thinks that they should incorporate this into the game. The NES wasn’t capable of FMV you moron! This commentary is also really weird, slobber knocker?
You gotta love how his shirt changes in the middle of this skit. Nice to know you still don’t give a crap about continuity.
After the skit ends, he just says “wow, that’s riveting”. *sighs* Moving on.

3:43 - 4:07: Bores mentions the game has a 2-player option and asks *sighs* Tony if he wants to play. Tony refuses saying it’s the worst wrestling game ever (I’m sure there’s worse) and needs pyros and intro music. Even through his others characters he shows he’s not a gamer. The NES is not capable of any of that!
Then Tony starts singing The Rock’s catchphrase and Bores tells him to stop (thank you), but we get one last “bang-a-lang” and a stare at the camera. No really, the animated sprite stares at the camera.
Does Bores honestly think that’s a good filmmaking and comedy method? Never stare at the camera! Yes, there are exceptions but he doesn’t use them properly!

4:07 - 4:32: He points out each round lasts 30 minutes and it’s too excessive. That’s not 30 minutes, it’s sped up to look like 30 minutes. At most it’s 5 minutes.
He also mentions this is the only screen in the entire game. LIES! If you manage to win the first fight, you’ll move on to an ice arena, and after that a lightning-rope arena. It’s pretty clear that he didn’t win a single match.

4:33 - 4:48: “It makes you wonder how quickly they slapped this game together in order to make money” Sounds like your DVD. “It’s obvious that they put no effort into it at all” Sounds like your DVD. Quite the hypocrite aren’t we?
Oh and during this rant Tony makes “funny faces”. The point? So people won’t notice his bad acting. But I notice it, you can’t hide behind your green screen and effects forever!

4:49 - 5:09: He starts talking about Pro Wrestling. Why are you talking about something completely different? The review should be over now.
“It came out around the same time as MUSCLE” Uhhh no it didn’t. It came out a year after.
Then he just comments on the visuals, seriously this entire review was bashing the presentation of MUSCLE. Not the gameplay, not the controls, just the audio and visuals.
Chris Bores: Idiotic Graphics Whore.
He doesn’t even mention the famous win screen from Pro Wrestling. A Winner is not You Chris.

5:10 - 5:30: Now he starts talking about Ring King. That’s not even a wrestling game, that’s a boxing game! Why does this requ-… oh no he’s not going to do the joke I think he’s going to do.
He remarks on the graphics (again) and ends Round One cutting to the blowjob scene. IG is then “shocked” so much that he drops his controller asking “What the fuck are they doing?” Tony remarks “woah that’s just wrong brotha”. How very homophobic of you.
Why do I get the feeling this is the only reason he made this video? Oh and I-Mockery called, they want their jokes back.
http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/sexual-games/1.php

Remastered Edition Note: The second of three changes was that Chris Bores explained the joke. That’s right, he broke a big rule of comedy in his newer version. Instead of letting the scene speak for itself (“What the fuck are they doing?”) he outright says what they’re doing (“What the fuck? Are they getting blowjobs? I thought this was a kids game!”) That’s what happens when your fan base consists of nothing but kids that are just learning about sex.

5:30 - 5:41: IG points out Nintendo’s Seal of Quality and that this game is an insult to it. Why do I get the feeling Seanbaby already made this joke?
“It’s not even worthy of the seal of dog shit!” *edits stock poop image on box* Again, how is he not vulgar?

5:42 - 5:54: So IG “gets angry” and delivers this rant “To tell you the truth, this game is the most boring, stupidest, dumbest, vile-repulsive, anal-raping, fecal-flinging, ass-ramming, toe-jerking, vomit-inducing, piece of shit I’ve ever played in my life!” Meaning that MUSCLE is his “Worst Game Ever Played”. As he clarified on the radio interview (after 90 seconds of dead air).
I think I found what he originally meant to say with that scene.
“This game is diarrhea coming out my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze-infested dirty fucking Benkiman shit. I’ve had more fun playing with dog turds! Robin Mask’s my ass and Terryman’s my balls. This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter. I’d rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum. I’d rather drink diarrhea vomited out of Buffaloman’s anus. It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it fucking blows, it’s a piece of shit… and I don’t like it.”
Though that would mean he was familiar with the original Kinnikuman series, and he’s so obviously not.
Back to the actual rant, you have to love how bored he sounded while reading off those lines. Wait, toe-jerking?

Remastered Edition Note: The last change is that this scene was shot differently. That’s it.

The review ends with Bores saying he doesn’t have the will to destroy it so he throws it out. However a Garbage Pail Kid is in his trash can and tells him to keep it out.
GET IT? The game is so bad that even the Garbage Pail Kids don’t want it! AHAHAHAHAHA *slaps self*

This review was a big lie. He made a 6 minute review whining about the visuals and sound. The biggest real problem is the AI, and if they get the power-up orb they kick your ass without giving you a chance. However, he didn’t know that the game had power-ups (I’m not sure how since they show up within five minutes of playing it) so that was never mentioned.
For a better review of the game, locate BigAl2k6's review. He also made a rant debunking all of IG's points.
For another good one watch standburdman's review.

Next time, we look at the other review that everyone talks about. Why? Because he stole half of it. See ya later.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Redux Recap: Super Mario Bros 2 is awesome. I don't care what you say.

This is it, the beginning of the end. The IG review that shown there was no hope of Chris Bores proving himself as a legit gamer or competent reviewer. This video is baaaaaaad. Yes, the first seven were bad but this was repulsive. Everything that could go wrong did.

*sighs* Strap in, this is the recap of IG’s Super Mario Bros. 2 review.

Before I start, I’ll provide some trivia.
This was his first video YouTube featured on their front page, shortly afterwards Bores became a YouTube partner. So other then his haters and 11 year old idiot fans, the only other people that watch him are what I call the “YouTube Proles” (named after the lowest class in Orwell’s 1984). These are the people that eat up anything YouTube features, they don’t care how bad it is they just watch it. They’re the kind of people that approve of YouTube’s newest PIECE OF SHIT layout.

On the subject of YT Partnership, video game reviewers Guru Larry and Kwing have tried to get partnership but were rejected because their content was not original enough. The irony is baffling.

Alright, I’ve put this off long enough. Let’s begin.

Intro: This was the first video to include his theme song. Does anyone else think his theme sounds like the Nightmare Before Christmas song Making Christmas?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKAxikZmY-0 You be the judge.

0:21 - 0:31: “Mario’s perhaps one of the most recognizable video game icons of all time” Uh yeah ya THUNIK?
“And that’s mainly because they packaged each Nintendo system with the game Super Mario Bros.” Great, there’s a lot wrong already.
What do you mean by Nintendo system? Do you mean every single console Nintendo made? Because I sure as hell don’t remember Super Mario Bros. on the Gamecube’s launch.
Or did you mean “Nintendo Entertainment System?” Other then being incredibly vague by calling it something other then the NES or Nintendo, that’s completely false. The Deluxe Set at launch didn’t come with Super Mario Bros, and future sets like the Sports Set and Challenge Set didn’t have it. You see why this video sucks so much? Not even a minute in and I’m getting pissed.

0:31 - 0:38: “It quickly became popular and spawned sequels.”
By the way, I noticed something interesting in the description text. He says he reviewed over 5 games for this video. He talked about Super Mario Bros 2, Super Mario Bros The Lost Levels, Doki Doki Panic, and Super Mario Advance… that’s four. Did he really count that 7 seconds of Super Mario Bros. footage as a review? Just because you show the game doesn’t mean you reviewed it. That would be like the AVGN saying he reviewed Super Mario Bros. in various episodes because he referenced it.

0:38 - 0:45: “But if you line up all the Mario games in order…” that’s not all of them genius.
“… one of them sticks out like a sore thumb.” Ugh, ignoring that badly-written line I have to ask which one? Is it Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island? A game where you don’t play as Mario but instead play as Yoshi carrying Baby Mario?
“And that game is Super Mario Bros 2” Hoo boy, get ready folks.
What’s with the shaky cam?

0:46 - 0:54: Cut to Bores giving us a weak-ass disclaimer “I know what you’re thinking, that I’m going sit here and bash Super Mario 2. But before you start sending your hate-mail, just hear me out.” Too late jackass.

0:54 - 1:00: “Now, I don’t hate Mario 2, but when compared to the other Mario games this one just has ass written all over it” and he accompanies this by putting the word “ass” in various fonts on a picture of the SMB2 cartridge.
Do you even look over what you write? That’s like if I said “Okami is an excellent game, but it’s a load of garbage!” Oh, and watch as his statement unravels at the half-way point.

1:00 - 1:05: “First of all, there’s nothing remotely familiar in this game that was included in the previous ones.” Guh… What do you call the main characters, the mushroom power-ups, the Koopa shells, the Starman power-up music, the opening music using the underwater music from the first game, and the coins?

1:06 - 1:12: Waaah none of these things from the first game are here, this game is terrible! Oh, and it seems he always called Koopa Troopas “Koopa Turtles”. It wasn’t noticeable until the Educational Mario games episodes because he kept saying it over and over.

1:13 - 1:29: “Instead we’re treated to a cast of goofy and oddball characters. Like Shy Guys, Snifits, and Bob-ombs.” All of which became beloved Mario staples, especially Bob-ombs. You couldn’t have said any of the enemies that never reappeared after this game?
And really are they any stranger then walking mushrooms, turtles that throw hammers, or bullets with evil grins?
“And the real shitshocker *pause* is that …” Why did you pause there? Was that a laugh track pause?
“… the villain of the previous game has been replaced by a fat frog named Wart. This makes no sense whatsoever!” Oh boo-freakity-hoo, do you think kids cared back then?

1:30 - 1:47: Here he explains the characters and what they do, ending with this little gem. “And Toadstool? Well he’s pretty much worthless.” *shakes head* First of all, his name is Toad. Toadstool was the Princess’ name in early localizations. Hell any game before Super Mario 64 she was Toadstool.
And Toad is worthless? Dude, he’s the fastest character. He has the top running speed, he can pick items up faster then anyone else, and he’s really helpful in stages that require digging. Did you even play this game before making this entire video series?

1:47 - 2:00: He starts the game and points how you fall from a door in the sky, saying he has no idea how it got up there.
The following is a passage from the Super Mario Bros. 2 instruction manual

After arriving at the picnic area and looking at the scenery, they see a small cave nearby. When thy enter this cave, to their great surprise, there's a stairway leading up, up and up. It is exactly like the one Mario saw in his dream. They all walk together up the stairs and at the top, find a door just like the one is Mario's dream. When Mario and his friends, in fear, open the door, to their surprise, the world that he saw in his dream spreads out before them!....

Gee, you think that door in the sky might relate to the game’s story?

2:01 - 2:09: After mentioning the gameplay was altered, he starts comparing it to the first game (Why? Because he’s a terrible writer and gaming fraud). He says they got rid of smashing your enemies and you have to pick them up and throw them. I love how he says this right next to a POW Block, because that works much better then the slow method.

2:10 - 2:26: Then IG starts complaining that SMB2 is only a 1-player gamer, prompting a lame gag where a clone of Bores comes in asking if he could play but is told he can’t because it’s not a 2-player game. You have to love how polite the “Irate Gamer” is to his clone that just came out of nowhere.
Hey idiot, you could try taking turns. In fact, that’s how you do it in the first game. It’s not co-op like Gauntlet or Contra. Though, that would require real friends and obviously you don’t have those.

2:26 - 3:01: Now we’re getting into nitpicky shit. Bores starts whining that they only give you two hearts (those aren’t hearts they’re hexagons and the first game didn‘t even give you a health meter) and that it’s way too hard to replenish your health. He compares this to the first game and that it’s “really simple” to find a mushroom in a random block. He says it’s harder in the second game because you have to kill a certain number of enemies for a heart to appear and “doing it this way is just STOO-pid”.
I’m gonna need a minute… Chris are you retarded? It’s waaaaay easier to get health in SMB2. I’d prefer killing enemies over finding a mushroom at random.
A lot of games give you health for killing enemies, almost all Zelda games, all Metroid games, most Mega Man games, Adventure Island, Batman on the NES, Monster Party, etc.
Hell, even the later Mario games do this. In SMB2, enemies respawn making it very easy to get back your health! All you’re doing is finding “flaws” that aren’t legitimate to try cash in on an idea you didn’t even think of! Gaaah!

*collects self* Sorry, hopefully I can get through this without anymore of sanity slipping.

3:01 - 3:15: IG begins complaining that they screwed up the invincibility power-up. Instead of just finding it, you have to collect 5 cherries. Are you joking? That’s even easier than getting health! The Starmen were harder to get then Mushrooms in the first game, and you’re complaining they screwed up it? Are you brain dead?

3:15 - 3:49: Now here comes one of the absolute worst IG moments. He collects the fifth cherry and the star appears, along with grabbing the cherry in a place where the star would take the most time to get to your character, he also SLOWS DOWN THE FOOTAGE! What the hell? It’s one thing to misrepresent a game but this is going too fucking far! This is absolutely dishonest and deceitful, and you should get banned from YouTube you lying sack of crap! You’re an insult to gamers everywhere!

Oh, and to emphasize how “slow” it is he does something completely unnecessary. He exclaims he could take a shit faster then this and then goes to the bathroom! Oh yeah, a bowel movement is a reasonable way to measure time.
Reminds me of the AVGN’s Sega CD review where he says you could dump your ass in the time it takes a game to load. Only he had the decency NOT to get up and take a dump just to pad time!
And the fans say Bores isn’t vulgar? You brats are blind!

Oof I guess my sanity slipped again. I’ll try to maintain composure for the rest of this, but I can’t make any promises.

3:49 - 4:15: Bores starts complaining that the game doesn’t have enough power-ups (except for all the items you can pick up and throw. You know, almost everything in the game?) and that there’s too many enemies. Look at this footage, he’s terrible at the game. He’s not even trying to avoid the enemies. Then he tries to hide from a Pokey by running into the cactus, and he starts whining that he got killed. Jeez even my sister can play better then this.

Followed by a montage where it looks like he has trouble taking a crap. Bores you need a better way to convey your anger. Gritting your teeth and turning red makes it look like you need a laxative.

4:16 - 4:44: IG starts whining about Birdo (who he never mentions by name, just calling them “Big Dopey Birds”) and the more you fight the harder they get. It’s like some sort of video game.
Time for another unnecessary cutaway! Bores gets so “annoyed” at these things that he wants to reach in and beat them up, cutting to him in front of a green screen punching a Birdo while shouting “GET OVER HERE!” What was the point of this? To show off your “incredible green screen skills” that really aren’t that great? Almost at the halfway point.

4:44 - 5:00: He reaches Wart’s lair (I’d like to thank Game Genie for getting me here) and claims he’s a pushover. Funny how he says that when he obviously uses two different cuts of footage. One where he jumps past Wart and gets behind him, making me ask “What the hell are you doing you moron?”
But we have time for one more annoying one-liner! “Giving another reason for kids not to eat their vegetables” Ugggggh.

5:01 - 5:16: We see the ending and his lame stats (he mostly used Luigi) and Mario in bed showing the entire game was a dream.
Now it’s time for a visit from Hypocrisy! “You know I wish I was dreaming up this game because it fucking sucks! Compared to the other Mario games this one if the worst of the bunch.”
Even though that is completely untrue (Hotel Mario, Mario’s Time Machine, Mario Clash) it’s so nice to know that you don’t read over your scripts.
Earlier in the review you said “I don’t hate Mario 2” and here you exclaim “it fucking sucks and it’s worst of the bunch.” Tell me Chris, how do these episodes take months? Obviously only 2 hours are spent on the writing process, something that should deserve a lot more attention.

5:17 - 5:44: “Now if you think this review is over, then think again!” Oh boy, I can hardly contain myself.
Bores begins droning on about Super Mario All-Stars (referring back to the earlier paragraph, is this supposed to be one of the 6 games?) and you watch him suck at the SNES version of SMB2.
Then he notices the fourth game Super Mario Bros The Lost Levels, and because he likes to play us for fools (or he really is that stupid) he asks “There were Lost Levels?” That’s what it says in the title…

5:44 - 6:00: Bores continues to play us for fools as I notice a very grave error. He’s playing Super Mario All Stars (an SNES game) but is holding an NES controller. To the people that still think he’s a gamer, can you go bash your head against a wall so you’ll lose the idiot blindfold and see reality?
“Well, the title’s misleading. Because after doing some research…” Famous line folks! The first utterance of “after doing some research” and it’s so obvious that he didn’t.
“… I learned that this game is in fact the real Super Mario Bros. 2!” OH MY GOD! Something people have known about for years!

6:01 - 6:10: So IG goes on how they didn’t change a lot, using the same enemies, the same “maps” (you mean levels?) and this oversight of the same power-ups RIGHT as a uncovers a Poison Mushroom. You know, the Poison Mushroom that was NOT in the first game?

6:10 - 6:15: And now: Chris Bores’ incredible grasp of the English language.
“This game right here is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game!” Thank you, thank you.
Holy shit, how could you make a stupid mistake like that? I still can’t believe that he does multiple takes of this shit. At least when Ed Wood refused to do a second take, he did it because he was on a slim budget.

6:15 - 6:28: Blah blah what’s our Mario blah blah I’m such a great writer blah blah here’s a stupid gag where I jump-cut a game into my hand.
Seriously, jump-cutting. That’s not even a special effect! Somewhere a YouTube Prole found that scene funny.

6:28 - 6:37: Bores drones on about this being a mystery (it’s not) and that we have to get to the bottom of it (let’s not). But “after doing even more research” he found something “guaranteed to flip some shit.”
Okay then Bores, what is this big shocking secret? This big reveal that you’ve been poorly building up because you’re an incompetent filmmaker. Go ahead Bores, flip my shit.

6:37 - 7:11: IG starts talking about Doki Doki Panic (which came out “years earlier”… yeah he fails math too because DDP came out 1987 and SMB2 came out 1988). He notes how the intro doesn’t look familiar but when we get to the actual game we’ll be “amazed.”
He starts playing and let’s out a very forced “HOLY SHIT!” and starts whining that everything was stolen.

*slams head against desk* Here’s a big detail that A LOT of people tend to forget about this subject. Nintendo made BOTH GAMES! Nintendo did not steal from anyone, why would they steal from themselves?
Yume Kojo: Doki Doki Panic (translated to Dream Factory: Heart-Pounding Panic) was a tie-in game made for Fuji TV’s event Dream Factory ‘87, the main characters are all the event’s mascots. Miyamoto had a lot more involvement in this game then he did SMB2j.
Chris Bores claimed to have done research, what he did was go to some site like Cracked and read a list of “Big Gaming Mysteries” or something and got all the details there.

7:12 - 7:38: Now all he’s doing is whining how SMB2 “stole” everything.
Listen dumbass, everyone knows this. This isn’t a big shocking secret. You’re a moron, and anyone that enjoys your videos is dumber than you are!
He also points out the DDP counterparts and even screws that up. He claims Papa is Mario and Imajin is Toad, when Imajin is Mario and Papa is Toad.

7:38 - 7:52: “But I will give them the benefit of the doubt” Oh how nice of you.
Here he mentions how they “changed a few things from the original” but the way he exposits this entire scene makes it sound like DDP was the copy and SMB2 was the original. Again, do you look over what you write?

7:52 - 8:08: He continues whining that these games should have nothing in common (shut up) and delivers another line of absolute idiocy.
“It’s unclear as to why they copied it, but some speculated that it was too much like the first game.” Yeah you didn’t do research at all you pig-headed liar. Nintendo themselves have confirmed that they didn’t release The Lost Levels for two big reasons. One, it was way too hard and two it was too much like the first game. That’s not speculation, that’s fact.
Also, for a piss-poor gamer that seems to despise difficulty, he really ignored The Lost Levels claim to fame as a ridiculously hard game. I’ve seen ROM hacks that were easier.
And before I forget THEY DIDN’T COPY ANYTHING!

“Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I’d go berserk? Well, you left me anyhow and the days got worse and worse and now you see I’ve gone completely out of my mind. And they’re coming to take me away ha ha. They’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and their coming to take me away ha ha!”

*wakes up* Oh fuck what happened? Better get this recap done.

8:08 - 8:15: We cut to Bores using a split-screen effect so he can sit next to his clone. His response to the last remark about SMB2j being too similar? “I guess that’s understandable since having two of the same thing can get stale and repetitive.” “Yep, stale and repetitive.”
You hear that sound? That’s the loud thud of irony.

8:15 - 8:52: Now we come to another unbelievably retarded part of this video (and that’s saying a lot). Bores starts “reviewing” Super Mario Advance, the GBA remake of Super Mario Bros. 2. Apparently better graphics, updated sprites, and hearts that you don’t have to kill enemies to get automatically makes this a better game.
I should mention there are very few differences between the original SMB2 and the GBA version. Bores just outright admitted he’s a graphics whore, and that’s one of the worst things a gamer can be (along with “biased fanboy” and “ear raping online player”).

All that’s left of this shit is the ending, and like the rest of the video it’s incomprehensibly bad.
Bores goes on about having a newer version allows him to destroy the original (I know but it’s almost over) when the Clone Bores reveals his true intentions.
Ladies & Gentlemen, introducing the third character in the Irate Gamers’ cliché repertoire of bullshit: The Evil Gamer. I’m not kidding, his idea of a character is an evil twin. This concept RARELY works, because it’s so overused that it’s become a joke. Again, Bores shows how much of an inept writer he truly is.

So Evil Gamer (I’ll think of a better name when he reappears) points a Zapper at Bores threatening to kill him and take over the show? Why? Because his reviews suck. Hey I actually like this character.
However Bores won’t take this and he announces it’s time for some… flower power (oh jeez). He picks up a normal bouquet of BLUE flowers (while staring the camera) somehow giving him the fireball powers from Mario. He shoots one at Evil Gamer (who is so surprised by this turn of events that the zapper he was holding disappears) and kills him. Remember this because something extra stupid will reference this event in a future recap.

We then transition through stock dirt photos (and random footage of Dig Dug for no reason) as we see Evil Gamer ends up in Hell. As he figures out where he is Devil Bores comes in declaring him a new minion to torture. Evil Gamer declares his revenge as we zoom into his mouth (where his angry scream sounds more like “Me Hungry!”)

I don’t have to tell you this review sucked! An entire video made around a fact that gamers have known for years, and treated like something from TMZ. Not to mention unfairly bashing a classic game for the sole purpose of views and later on get people to buy his shitty merchandise.
There is another theory I have to why he made this video. The Angry Video Game Nerd hates Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest, noting the Guide Dang It moments, the annoying day-to-night transitions, and the easiest final boss fight ever. Maybe IG thought he could get the same ideal by hating on another sequel that differed from its predecessor. However, The Nerd constantly references back to Simon’s Quest when talking about even worse games. Bores has very rarely acknowledged any of the games he’s reviewed in the past, like he doesn’t even remember playing them.

Man, this was my longest recap yet, and right now I need a break. That video was draining and I’ll work on the next Redux Recap when I get my strength back. The next video was also a wretched one, but not on the scale of SMB2. Until next time.