This is it, the beginning of the end. The IG review that shown there was no hope of Chris Bores proving himself as a legit gamer or competent reviewer. This video is baaaaaaad. Yes, the first seven were bad but this was repulsive. Everything that could go wrong did.
*sighs* Strap in, this is the recap of IG’s Super Mario Bros. 2 review.
Before I start, I’ll provide some trivia.
This was his first video YouTube featured on their front page, shortly afterwards Bores became a YouTube partner. So other then his haters and 11 year old idiot fans, the only other people that watch him are what I call the “YouTube Proles” (named after the lowest class in Orwell’s 1984). These are the people that eat up anything YouTube features, they don’t care how bad it is they just watch it. They’re the kind of people that approve of YouTube’s newest PIECE OF SHIT layout.
On the subject of YT Partnership, video game reviewers Guru Larry and Kwing have tried to get partnership but were rejected because their content was not original enough. The irony is baffling.
Alright, I’ve put this off long enough. Let’s begin.
Intro: This was the first video to include his theme song. Does anyone else think his theme sounds like the Nightmare Before Christmas song Making Christmas?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKAxikZmY-0 You be the judge.
0:21 - 0:31: “Mario’s perhaps one of the most recognizable video game icons of all time” Uh yeah ya THUNIK?
“And that’s mainly because they packaged each Nintendo system with the game Super Mario Bros.” Great, there’s a lot wrong already.
What do you mean by Nintendo system? Do you mean every single console Nintendo made? Because I sure as hell don’t remember Super Mario Bros. on the Gamecube’s launch.
Or did you mean “Nintendo Entertainment System?” Other then being incredibly vague by calling it something other then the NES or Nintendo, that’s completely false. The Deluxe Set at launch didn’t come with Super Mario Bros, and future sets like the Sports Set and Challenge Set didn’t have it. You see why this video sucks so much? Not even a minute in and I’m getting pissed.
0:31 - 0:38: “It quickly became popular and spawned sequels.”
By the way, I noticed something interesting in the description text. He says he reviewed over 5 games for this video. He talked about Super Mario Bros 2, Super Mario Bros The Lost Levels, Doki Doki Panic, and Super Mario Advance… that’s four. Did he really count that 7 seconds of Super Mario Bros. footage as a review? Just because you show the game doesn’t mean you reviewed it. That would be like the AVGN saying he reviewed Super Mario Bros. in various episodes because he referenced it.
0:38 - 0:45: “But if you line up all the Mario games in order…” that’s not all of them genius.
“… one of them sticks out like a sore thumb.” Ugh, ignoring that badly-written line I have to ask which one? Is it Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island? A game where you don’t play as Mario but instead play as Yoshi carrying Baby Mario?
“And that game is Super Mario Bros 2” Hoo boy, get ready folks.
What’s with the shaky cam?
0:46 - 0:54: Cut to Bores giving us a weak-ass disclaimer “I know what you’re thinking, that I’m going sit here and bash Super Mario 2. But before you start sending your hate-mail, just hear me out.” Too late jackass.
0:54 - 1:00: “Now, I don’t hate Mario 2, but when compared to the other Mario games this one just has ass written all over it” and he accompanies this by putting the word “ass” in various fonts on a picture of the SMB2 cartridge.
Do you even look over what you write? That’s like if I said “Okami is an excellent game, but it’s a load of garbage!” Oh, and watch as his statement unravels at the half-way point.
1:00 - 1:05: “First of all, there’s nothing remotely familiar in this game that was included in the previous ones.” Guh… What do you call the main characters, the mushroom power-ups, the Koopa shells, the Starman power-up music, the opening music using the underwater music from the first game, and the coins?
1:06 - 1:12: Waaah none of these things from the first game are here, this game is terrible! Oh, and it seems he always called Koopa Troopas “Koopa Turtles”. It wasn’t noticeable until the Educational Mario games episodes because he kept saying it over and over.
1:13 - 1:29: “Instead we’re treated to a cast of goofy and oddball characters. Like Shy Guys, Snifits, and Bob-ombs.” All of which became beloved Mario staples, especially Bob-ombs. You couldn’t have said any of the enemies that never reappeared after this game?
And really are they any stranger then walking mushrooms, turtles that throw hammers, or bullets with evil grins?
“And the real shitshocker *pause* is that …” Why did you pause there? Was that a laugh track pause?
“… the villain of the previous game has been replaced by a fat frog named Wart. This makes no sense whatsoever!” Oh boo-freakity-hoo, do you think kids cared back then?
1:30 - 1:47: Here he explains the characters and what they do, ending with this little gem. “And Toadstool? Well he’s pretty much worthless.” *shakes head* First of all, his name is Toad. Toadstool was the Princess’ name in early localizations. Hell any game before Super Mario 64 she was Toadstool.
And Toad is worthless? Dude, he’s the fastest character. He has the top running speed, he can pick items up faster then anyone else, and he’s really helpful in stages that require digging. Did you even play this game before making this entire video series?
1:47 - 2:00: He starts the game and points how you fall from a door in the sky, saying he has no idea how it got up there.
The following is a passage from the Super Mario Bros. 2 instruction manual
After arriving at the picnic area and looking at the scenery, they see a small cave nearby. When thy enter this cave, to their great surprise, there's a stairway leading up, up and up. It is exactly like the one Mario saw in his dream. They all walk together up the stairs and at the top, find a door just like the one is Mario's dream. When Mario and his friends, in fear, open the door, to their surprise, the world that he saw in his dream spreads out before them!....
Gee, you think that door in the sky might relate to the game’s story?
2:01 - 2:09: After mentioning the gameplay was altered, he starts comparing it to the first game (Why? Because he’s a terrible writer and gaming fraud). He says they got rid of smashing your enemies and you have to pick them up and throw them. I love how he says this right next to a POW Block, because that works much better then the slow method.
2:10 - 2:26: Then IG starts complaining that SMB2 is only a 1-player gamer, prompting a lame gag where a clone of Bores comes in asking if he could play but is told he can’t because it’s not a 2-player game. You have to love how polite the “Irate Gamer” is to his clone that just came out of nowhere.
Hey idiot, you could try taking turns. In fact, that’s how you do it in the first game. It’s not co-op like Gauntlet or Contra. Though, that would require real friends and obviously you don’t have those.
2:26 - 3:01: Now we’re getting into nitpicky shit. Bores starts whining that they only give you two hearts (those aren’t hearts they’re hexagons and the first game didn‘t even give you a health meter) and that it’s way too hard to replenish your health. He compares this to the first game and that it’s “really simple” to find a mushroom in a random block. He says it’s harder in the second game because you have to kill a certain number of enemies for a heart to appear and “doing it this way is just STOO-pid”.
I’m gonna need a minute… Chris are you retarded? It’s waaaaay easier to get health in SMB2. I’d prefer killing enemies over finding a mushroom at random.
A lot of games give you health for killing enemies, almost all Zelda games, all Metroid games, most Mega Man games, Adventure Island, Batman on the NES, Monster Party, etc.
Hell, even the later Mario games do this. In SMB2, enemies respawn making it very easy to get back your health! All you’re doing is finding “flaws” that aren’t legitimate to try cash in on an idea you didn’t even think of! Gaaah!
*collects self* Sorry, hopefully I can get through this without anymore of sanity slipping.
3:01 - 3:15: IG begins complaining that they screwed up the invincibility power-up. Instead of just finding it, you have to collect 5 cherries. Are you joking? That’s even easier than getting health! The Starmen were harder to get then Mushrooms in the first game, and you’re complaining they screwed up it? Are you brain dead?
3:15 - 3:49: Now here comes one of the absolute worst IG moments. He collects the fifth cherry and the star appears, along with grabbing the cherry in a place where the star would take the most time to get to your character, he also SLOWS DOWN THE FOOTAGE! What the hell? It’s one thing to misrepresent a game but this is going too fucking far! This is absolutely dishonest and deceitful, and you should get banned from YouTube you lying sack of crap! You’re an insult to gamers everywhere!
Oh, and to emphasize how “slow” it is he does something completely unnecessary. He exclaims he could take a shit faster then this and then goes to the bathroom! Oh yeah, a bowel movement is a reasonable way to measure time.
Reminds me of the AVGN’s Sega CD review where he says you could dump your ass in the time it takes a game to load. Only he had the decency NOT to get up and take a dump just to pad time!
And the fans say Bores isn’t vulgar? You brats are blind!
Oof I guess my sanity slipped again. I’ll try to maintain composure for the rest of this, but I can’t make any promises.
3:49 - 4:15: Bores starts complaining that the game doesn’t have enough power-ups (except for all the items you can pick up and throw. You know, almost everything in the game?) and that there’s too many enemies. Look at this footage, he’s terrible at the game. He’s not even trying to avoid the enemies. Then he tries to hide from a Pokey by running into the cactus, and he starts whining that he got killed. Jeez even my sister can play better then this.
Followed by a montage where it looks like he has trouble taking a crap. Bores you need a better way to convey your anger. Gritting your teeth and turning red makes it look like you need a laxative.
4:16 - 4:44: IG starts whining about Birdo (who he never mentions by name, just calling them “Big Dopey Birds”) and the more you fight the harder they get. It’s like some sort of video game.
Time for another unnecessary cutaway! Bores gets so “annoyed” at these things that he wants to reach in and beat them up, cutting to him in front of a green screen punching a Birdo while shouting “GET OVER HERE!” What was the point of this? To show off your “incredible green screen skills” that really aren’t that great? Almost at the halfway point.
4:44 - 5:00: He reaches Wart’s lair (I’d like to thank Game Genie for getting me here) and claims he’s a pushover. Funny how he says that when he obviously uses two different cuts of footage. One where he jumps past Wart and gets behind him, making me ask “What the hell are you doing you moron?”
But we have time for one more annoying one-liner! “Giving another reason for kids not to eat their vegetables” Ugggggh.
5:01 - 5:16: We see the ending and his lame stats (he mostly used Luigi) and Mario in bed showing the entire game was a dream.
Now it’s time for a visit from Hypocrisy! “You know I wish I was dreaming up this game because it fucking sucks! Compared to the other Mario games this one if the worst of the bunch.”
Even though that is completely untrue (Hotel Mario, Mario’s Time Machine, Mario Clash) it’s so nice to know that you don’t read over your scripts.
Earlier in the review you said “I don’t hate Mario 2” and here you exclaim “it fucking sucks and it’s worst of the bunch.” Tell me Chris, how do these episodes take months? Obviously only 2 hours are spent on the writing process, something that should deserve a lot more attention.
5:17 - 5:44: “Now if you think this review is over, then think again!” Oh boy, I can hardly contain myself.
Bores begins droning on about Super Mario All-Stars (referring back to the earlier paragraph, is this supposed to be one of the 6 games?) and you watch him suck at the SNES version of SMB2.
Then he notices the fourth game Super Mario Bros The Lost Levels, and because he likes to play us for fools (or he really is that stupid) he asks “There were Lost Levels?” That’s what it says in the title…
5:44 - 6:00: Bores continues to play us for fools as I notice a very grave error. He’s playing Super Mario All Stars (an SNES game) but is holding an NES controller. To the people that still think he’s a gamer, can you go bash your head against a wall so you’ll lose the idiot blindfold and see reality?
“Well, the title’s misleading. Because after doing some research…” Famous line folks! The first utterance of “after doing some research” and it’s so obvious that he didn’t.
“… I learned that this game is in fact the real Super Mario Bros. 2!” OH MY GOD! Something people have known about for years!
6:01 - 6:10: So IG goes on how they didn’t change a lot, using the same enemies, the same “maps” (you mean levels?) and this oversight of the same power-ups RIGHT as a uncovers a Poison Mushroom. You know, the Poison Mushroom that was NOT in the first game?
6:10 - 6:15: And now: Chris Bores’ incredible grasp of the English language.
“This game right here is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game!” Thank you, thank you.
Holy shit, how could you make a stupid mistake like that? I still can’t believe that he does multiple takes of this shit. At least when Ed Wood refused to do a second take, he did it because he was on a slim budget.
6:15 - 6:28: Blah blah what’s our Mario blah blah I’m such a great writer blah blah here’s a stupid gag where I jump-cut a game into my hand.
Seriously, jump-cutting. That’s not even a special effect! Somewhere a YouTube Prole found that scene funny.
6:28 - 6:37: Bores drones on about this being a mystery (it’s not) and that we have to get to the bottom of it (let’s not). But “after doing even more research” he found something “guaranteed to flip some shit.”
Okay then Bores, what is this big shocking secret? This big reveal that you’ve been poorly building up because you’re an incompetent filmmaker. Go ahead Bores, flip my shit.
6:37 - 7:11: IG starts talking about Doki Doki Panic (which came out “years earlier”… yeah he fails math too because DDP came out 1987 and SMB2 came out 1988). He notes how the intro doesn’t look familiar but when we get to the actual game we’ll be “amazed.”
He starts playing and let’s out a very forced “HOLY SHIT!” and starts whining that everything was stolen.
*slams head against desk* Here’s a big detail that A LOT of people tend to forget about this subject. Nintendo made BOTH GAMES! Nintendo did not steal from anyone, why would they steal from themselves?
Yume Kojo: Doki Doki Panic (translated to Dream Factory: Heart-Pounding Panic) was a tie-in game made for Fuji TV’s event Dream Factory ‘87, the main characters are all the event’s mascots. Miyamoto had a lot more involvement in this game then he did SMB2j.
Chris Bores claimed to have done research, what he did was go to some site like Cracked and read a list of “Big Gaming Mysteries” or something and got all the details there.
7:12 - 7:38: Now all he’s doing is whining how SMB2 “stole” everything.
Listen dumbass, everyone knows this. This isn’t a big shocking secret. You’re a moron, and anyone that enjoys your videos is dumber than you are!
He also points out the DDP counterparts and even screws that up. He claims Papa is Mario and Imajin is Toad, when Imajin is Mario and Papa is Toad.
7:38 - 7:52: “But I will give them the benefit of the doubt” Oh how nice of you.
Here he mentions how they “changed a few things from the original” but the way he exposits this entire scene makes it sound like DDP was the copy and SMB2 was the original. Again, do you look over what you write?
7:52 - 8:08: He continues whining that these games should have nothing in common (shut up) and delivers another line of absolute idiocy.
“It’s unclear as to why they copied it, but some speculated that it was too much like the first game.” Yeah you didn’t do research at all you pig-headed liar. Nintendo themselves have confirmed that they didn’t release The Lost Levels for two big reasons. One, it was way too hard and two it was too much like the first game. That’s not speculation, that’s fact.
Also, for a piss-poor gamer that seems to despise difficulty, he really ignored The Lost Levels claim to fame as a ridiculously hard game. I’ve seen ROM hacks that were easier.
And before I forget THEY DIDN’T COPY ANYTHING!
“Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I’d go berserk? Well, you left me anyhow and the days got worse and worse and now you see I’ve gone completely out of my mind. And they’re coming to take me away ha ha. They’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and their coming to take me away ha ha!”
*wakes up* Oh fuck what happened? Better get this recap done.
8:08 - 8:15: We cut to Bores using a split-screen effect so he can sit next to his clone. His response to the last remark about SMB2j being too similar? “I guess that’s understandable since having two of the same thing can get stale and repetitive.” “Yep, stale and repetitive.”
You hear that sound? That’s the loud thud of irony.
8:15 - 8:52: Now we come to another unbelievably retarded part of this video (and that’s saying a lot). Bores starts “reviewing” Super Mario Advance, the GBA remake of Super Mario Bros. 2. Apparently better graphics, updated sprites, and hearts that you don’t have to kill enemies to get automatically makes this a better game.
I should mention there are very few differences between the original SMB2 and the GBA version. Bores just outright admitted he’s a graphics whore, and that’s one of the worst things a gamer can be (along with “biased fanboy” and “ear raping online player”).
All that’s left of this shit is the ending, and like the rest of the video it’s incomprehensibly bad.
Bores goes on about having a newer version allows him to destroy the original (I know but it’s almost over) when the Clone Bores reveals his true intentions.
Ladies & Gentlemen, introducing the third character in the Irate Gamers’ cliché repertoire of bullshit: The Evil Gamer. I’m not kidding, his idea of a character is an evil twin. This concept RARELY works, because it’s so overused that it’s become a joke. Again, Bores shows how much of an inept writer he truly is.
So Evil Gamer (I’ll think of a better name when he reappears) points a Zapper at Bores threatening to kill him and take over the show? Why? Because his reviews suck. Hey I actually like this character.
However Bores won’t take this and he announces it’s time for some… flower power (oh jeez). He picks up a normal bouquet of BLUE flowers (while staring the camera) somehow giving him the fireball powers from Mario. He shoots one at Evil Gamer (who is so surprised by this turn of events that the zapper he was holding disappears) and kills him. Remember this because something extra stupid will reference this event in a future recap.
We then transition through stock dirt photos (and random footage of Dig Dug for no reason) as we see Evil Gamer ends up in Hell. As he figures out where he is Devil Bores comes in declaring him a new minion to torture. Evil Gamer declares his revenge as we zoom into his mouth (where his angry scream sounds more like “Me Hungry!”)
I don’t have to tell you this review sucked! An entire video made around a fact that gamers have known for years, and treated like something from TMZ. Not to mention unfairly bashing a classic game for the sole purpose of views and later on get people to buy his shitty merchandise.
There is another theory I have to why he made this video. The Angry Video Game Nerd hates Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest, noting the Guide Dang It moments, the annoying day-to-night transitions, and the easiest final boss fight ever. Maybe IG thought he could get the same ideal by hating on another sequel that differed from its predecessor. However, The Nerd constantly references back to Simon’s Quest when talking about even worse games. Bores has very rarely acknowledged any of the games he’s reviewed in the past, like he doesn’t even remember playing them.
Man, this was my longest recap yet, and right now I need a break. That video was draining and I’ll work on the next Redux Recap when I get my strength back. The next video was also a wretched one, but not on the scale of SMB2. Until next time.