Wednesday, June 30, 2010

E3 Part 3: Are You Familiar with the Idea of "Show Don't Tell"?

I wanted to wait for one more video before I did another E3 recap, but the last two do have enough material to cover. Especially the latest one.

Mortal Kombat interview & "review":
- Bores is surprised that Mortal Kombat is back. ... It never left.
- All his compliments are visual related. Are you surprised?
- He talks about the private demonstration he saw (and this is a real private demonstration, the Nintendo Conference was not private if taping was allowed). He notes how it's 2-D (like he knows the difference), and the "mastery of fighters is much more challenging" (wha...?)
- Then he enters Captain Obvious mode. We can see all of this in the trailer, we're not stupid! We can see the battle damage, we can see the bone breaking, we can see how gruesome the fatalities will be (this is implied when you can see Kung Lao dragging an opponent crotch first into his razor-sharp hat).
- He also got an interview. Oh goody, I wonder if he'll bomb it.
- He talks to... some guy. I don't know, a name isn't given. That's real professional isn't it, not even name-dropping the person you're interviewing.
- Sadly, he doesn't bomb the interview. However, it isn't a good one either. It was just boring, all he asked about was the characters. Who is in the game? How many will be in the game? Can we unlock them? Here's my question, have you considered asking about gameplay?

Lego Harry Potter: Years 1-4 and F.3.A.R. "reviews"
- The entire Harry Potter portion is Captain Obvious up to 11. It's beyond stupid.
-- "It will cover years 1-4" we can see that in the title.
-- "You'll play as a bunch of different characters" Do I even have to point out what's wrong with that line?
-- "Enjoy the animation cutscenes" The what cutscenes? English motherfucker, do you speak it?
-- "And perform new tasks..." Really? You perform new tasks in a new game? Next you'll be telling me that you can leave your house by opening the door!
-- "like mixing potions and flying on broomsticks" WE CAN SEE THIS! Gah!

- He was "surprised" over the life-size statue of the main characters. How is this a surprise? They're using real Lego to promote the fake Lego, it's called marketing and common sense.
- "Lego Her-moy-ne" You heard that right folks, Bores completely mispronounces Hermione's name. Didn't Bores say he was a big fan of the movies? I'd understand if he only read the books and never saw the movies, but he clearly said he never read the books. So how the fuck did he screw that up.
- Hey, remember those awful list jokes he always does? This video has one. "Lego Ron, Lego Hagrid and Lego Irate Gamer". Sad thing is, there are people dumb enough to find that funny.

Fun fact: Lego Harry Potter: Years 1-4 came out yesterday in North America. So once again, Bores focused on a game that was coming out within the next month.

- He mentions the trailer to the newest Lord of the Rings game, says he didn't see much of it but the trailer impressed him. I'm sure that was worth adding to this already short & stupid video.

- He claims to be a fan of the F.E.A.R. series. I thought First-Person Shooters give you motion sickness? Also, that is such a blatant lie. You're not even trying anymore.
- "The third installment looks to be unique & awesome" Care to elaborate?
- He mentions how there's a character that can possess bodies. "I hope this is a feature that catches on" *sighs* In 2005, a Nintendo-published game called Geist was released. The concept had you play as a spirit possessing people and items. In short, it's been done.
- He shows off how he got John Carpenter's autograph. Nothing wrong here.

- "If you're a fan of the F.E.A.R. series, odds are you're gonna love this game cause this one looks to be the best installment yet." ... That is one of the most poorly-written lines I've ever heard. "So if you like the series, there's a chance you'll like this new installment." Well no shit. This is why Bores has to steal, because his own writing is below 2nd grade.

You know, SWAG should have given that E3 ticket to Kwing. He deserves to go to E3 a lot more than Bores.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

E3 Part 2: The Failure Just Keeps on Coming

Before I give my brief recaps on his E3 videos, I'd like to point out how it's been nearly a week since a winner for that contest was picked. Nothing has come of it since then. Further proof that DealDash was a scam and anyone that fell for it deserved it. HAHAHA!

Anyway, onto the newest batch of E3 videos.

Transformers: War for Cybertron "Review"
- "The new Transformers: War for Cybertron game" Wait, there's been more than one War for Cybertron game?
- Bores expresses his disappointment over the demo being multiplayer. Translation: He wanted to play alone so he wouldn't get his ass handed to him.
- The rest of the video is just Bores silently playing the game, while occasionally turning to the camera to give a "reaction". Nobody plays games like that Bores.
- His opinion overall is that the controls were confusing and he wanted to play the single-player. Translation: They kept kicking his ass so he's blaming the controls.
Fun fact: The day this video hit GottGame, the game was already in stores in both NA and Europe. Because that's why people go to E3, to play demos of games that will come out next week.

GottGame posted many of their E3 videos on a new YouTube channel (GottGameShows). There I was able to find two more IG-related videos.

Dead Rising 2
Yeah I don't know why I'm talking about this one. His involvement is only at the end, eating food served by Capcom.

Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
Most of the video is just gameplay footage. The last 30 seconds has Bores on camera telling us it's good, and that it reminds him of Diablo (well it makes sense this time) and "the new Gauntlet Legends". 1998 is new?

SWAG interviews Marvel vs. Capcom 3.
- The actual video is SWAG talking to a developer of MvC3. However, most of the B-Roll is SWAG and Bores playing it, and he suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
I mean wow, it's like he's never even played a Capcom fighter before.
It's a button-masher, it's not that hard.

MatthewErich was kind enough to upload only the fight. (turn off annotations just in case).

Now to wait for more horseshit.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Redux Recap: A Super Force of Contra Stupidity

After his Contra review, Bores wasn’t done with showing people he’s a terrible gamer. So he released a second Contra video, this one covering Super C and Contra Force.

I’m still on the fence whether this video is worse than the first Contra review. So… let’s begin. I am skipping the preview video for it.

Title: I want to briefly address the title of this video. “Other Contra Games Pt. 1 Super Contra Force”. He combined both titles into one, making it sound like he’s reviewing some game called “Super Contra Force”. Idiot.

One play of “Digital Juice’s Blind Pass” later.

0:20 - 0:42: Bores starts off saying Contra was successful and that they released a sequel titled Super C.
“Now I’m not a marketing genius or anything…” understatement of the year. “…but how would anybody know this is a Contra game by looking at the title?” The big, freaking C in the title is the same font as the original game. Plus, advertisements in Nintendo Power and other magazines helped.
Bores puts the game in his NES starting the review. Points for doing it correctly.

0:43 - 0:53: “Once you’re dropped out of a helicopter, your mission begins” I’m really tired of your Captain Obvious statements, can’t you write your reviews without thinking your viewers are pants-on-head retarded?
He notes how it hasn’t made any changes in graphics and gameplay so it should be familiar to people that played the first one.

0:54 - 1:07: Bores remarks that if we thought the first game was hard then “we ain’t seen nothing yet”. What the hell? Are you implying that Super C is harder than the first game? “They pretty much made the same game, but doubled the amount of enemies.” Good god he did, he thinks Super C is harder than Contra. Are you insane?

1:08 - 1:21: He reaches the first boss and starts complaining that there’s too many enemies and he can’t avoid them. Uhh, shoot them? That’s why you have a gun, you shoot them with it. Stop jumping around like a moron and shoot them! Just get the Spreader and win, it’s that easy.

Fun Fact: JoeyDrunko and Jacob9k1 made videos showing just how easy the helicopter boss really is, meaning Bores just plain sucks at it.

But there’s no time for sense, it’s time for lazy photoshop! Bores remarks the only way he could win is if he had a controller for a hand, and shows a picture of his hand replaced with an NES controller (as he tries to look shocked).
You see, Bores needs 50-70 hours in order to make “EPIC” photoshops like this. He can’t just make a fist and place an image of the controller over it, he has to literally morph his hand into a controller. No wait, he’s just a lazy dick.

Wait, how could he play it? Unless his right hand is able to use both the D-Pad and the A & B buttons then it’s impossible. I just realized I’m trying to add logic to one of the Irate Gamers’ god awful jokes, so let’s move on.

1:22 - 1:36: “The aliens are back with a vengeance!” Because Bores thought terrorists were the main villains in the first Contra, he has to shove in the word “alien” as many times as he can.
That means we’ll get a lot of pointless alien jokes, like this one where a Galaga ship comes out of nowhere and hits him. Why is that there? Uhhh WOOOO SPARKLY WOOOO *runs*

1:37 - 1:55: IG whines that there’s too much to deal with and points out a part from the first level where a power-up gets stuck on a high ledge. I should mention that power-up isn’t even a weapon, it’s a Mega Shell that kills all the enemies on screen. To Bores, this might be useful but all the enemies in that spot are EASY to kill. All he’s doing is killing himself on purpose.

Oh, and this line “Don’t they know that white men can’t jump?” Look a pointless movie reference, it’s funny because it exists!

1:56 - 2:16: IG continues to whine, this time about the game’s extra lives code. According to him, this game sucks because this code (it’s not the Konami Code) only gives you 10 lives instead of 30. “Do they expect me to beat this game with only 10 lives and 3 continues?” No, they expect you to beat it with 3 lives and 3 continues. Pussy.

“Who the hell do they think I am, Rambo?” Yes, you are Rambo! Once again, Bill & Lance are based off Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. One of Stallone’s most popular characters is Rambo. Do some fucking research.

Seriously though, what idiot would complain that a cheat code isn’t effective enough? Yeah, I know the AVGN mentioned that the Game Genie codes of Ninja Gaiden wouldn’t help him but he was looking for something to help him reach the final boss because he keeps getting pushed to the beginning of 6-1.

2:17 - 2:56: “What I need is a genie, a Game Genie of course!” Don’t tell me you’re really going to…
“How do you get one? By rubbing a magic lamp” He takes out a lava lamp (it’s sad that The Fairly Oddparents did this joke 1000 times better, and before him *hint hint*).

He rubs the lamp and one “effect hiding a jump-cut” later has a Game Genie. “For my first wish, I wish for infinite continues!”
… There are not enough “epic fail” images to convey the horror of this scene.
Also note that he doesn’t actually put the Game Genie in his system, rather he “pushes it” and the code magically goes into it. This is to hide that he’s using an emulator.

“Now I’ll just add the secret code, and get a second player to play!” Hmm, infinite continues, 10 lives, and a second player. That seems WAY too excessive.
Cue the Wise Sage, note that he’s not wearing sunglasses. Bores tells him the “objective” and now he’s wearing sunglasses, only to put sunglasses over those sunglasses. Didn’t Airplane do this joke?

2:57 - 3:42: “Having a second player is pretty much a requirement if you want to reach the end”. Do you know why Super C is considered an easier game? There are a lot less cheap deaths, the bullets are colored thus easier to see, the overhead stages are much easier than the pseudo-3D ones from the first game, and the weapons are a lot more effective.
But why bother checking that when you can have pointless jokes and references?

Bores, once again, whines about the amount of enemies, citing level 3 as having too many. Hey jackass, duck into the water; you’re invincible there.
He also notes that you only fight aliens in the last couple of stages. Look at this footage, nobody can possibly be this bad without it being on purpose. They’re jumping into enemies, they’re standing in the line of fire, and they’re not shooting their guns. It’s difficult to believe you when you suck so much.

Because Bores mentions the aliens again, it’s time for another pointless joke! We cut to shot of him “Winter Gaming” with a ton of blank space over his head. Cue another ship from Galaga, this one using a tractor beam. Bores gets out of the way and shoots it with a Zapper, and yes he uses the same explosion effect. Following that with a “laugh now stare”.
MatthewErich is currently working on a video to show just how lazy Bores and his effects really are. I shall enjoy seeing it when it comes out.

3:43 - 4:08: He’s at a point in the last level where the ceiling falls, and he’s obviously not trying to shoot the alien orbs that appear above him. Following that with a death montage (because he’s not even trying).
“I swear there’s more aliens here than the Mos Eisley Spaceport!” “Ah yes, I agree”. That wasn’t funny. Come on Eric Allen, you’re better than this. Distance yourself from Bores, you actually have talent.

4:09 - 4:29: The two of them reach Kimkoh and Bores wonders if she’s supposed to be “disgusting or kinky”. … Moving on.
The final boss is defeated and Bores lets out a “Alright we won.” Hmm, that delivery sounded familiar.

4:30 - 4:37: The Wise Sage declares his work is done and leaves (by teleporting a/la I Dream of Jeanie). Say good-bye to the Wise Sage, we won’t be seeing him for another year (the Aladdin review came out a year after this one).
We cut to Bores holding the controller very awkwardly and OH MY GOD what is wrong with your face?

4:38 - 5:10: Bores starts looking over the credits saying “I think I won but the game doesn’t tell me!” Uhh, those are the credits. That’s normally an indication that you beat the game.
He starts whining that someone gave a special thanks to the “Super C Team” (and they deserve it for making such a great game). Bores decides to give his own special thanks and flips off the camera with a look of constipation. Okay, why are you being disrespectful to Konami? This was a great game, sure it wasn’t as good as the first but it was still great.

Apparently he hates this game because there’s no real ending (IG complaining about the ending, why am I not surprised?) because there’s too many enemies, and that you can’t get 30 Lives.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Wah wah wah go screw yourself you pussy. All you’re doing is bitching that this game is too hard. It’s not the game’s fault that you suck at it, it’s your own damn fault.

You know, I’m glad Bores didn’t know that Contra and Super C were originally Arcade games. Otherwise we’d get a repeat of the TMNT II review (waaah, it sucks because it isn’t pretty like the Arcade version). I actually prefer the NES version of Contra to the Arcade version. Though, it didn’t help that I was playing the Xbox Live Arcade version of it…

5:11 - 5:29: Bores starts talking about Contra Force, and how he spent $40 dollars on it. He thinks that at this price it must be a great game. If price was an indication of quality then Caltron 6-in-1 and Action 52 would be the best games ever made.

5:30 - 6:02: He starts playing and notices the game looks nothing like Contra, wondering why the “blimps” (weapon capsules you fool), aliens and main characters aren’t there. He thinks somebody took a different game and slapped the Contra logo on it.
This part confuses me, Bores says over the footage “That’s exactly what they did” and Bores on camera yells “WHAT? Cue the music!” So, there’s different people talking? Maybe it’s just bad writing? … Yeah that’s it.

6:03 - 6:40: Grab a pillow it’s history time! Bores drones about Contra Force originally being a game in Japan called Arc Hound, a game that was eventually shelved.
“Konami decided to buy the license and release it in the US”. Hey genius, Konami didn’t “buy the license” they were the ones developing the game. That would be like saying “Konami had to buy the rights of Castlevania in order to release it.”
It makes as much sense as saying Super Mario Bros. 2 ripped off Doki Doki Panic when they’re both by Nintendo.

Speaking of Mario, Bores remarks how nothing was altered to fit it into the “Contra family” citing a similar instance with Super Mario Bros. 2. Don’t even try to compare those two games, Contra Force is nothing like SMB2. Mainly because Super Mario Bros. 2 doesn’t suck.

6:41 - 6:51: IG wonders how many people bought the game thinking they were getting a Contra title. To answer you question Bores, nobody bought it. It came out after Contra III, and kids were busy with that and other SNES titles. Most of them didn’t bother with the NES after that.
“Let’s just get this review done and over with.” That’s kind of redundant.

6:52 - 7:21: So the review really starts with IG complimenting the ability to switch out your characters.
There’s also this line “but the one thing that really sucks is that if your character loses his last life, the game ends.” Now, you might think is unbelievably retarded but he quickly clarifies “even if your other characters still have lives left”.
The problem with this though, is that he structured it poorly. People took that first sentence out of context and used it as evidence that he’s a moron (not that there needs to be any more evidence but still…). Here’s how I would have said it.

“An interesting thing about Contra Force is that pausing the game allows you to switch characters. So say your character loses a life or has a great weapon you don’t want wasted, you can just switch them out. However, if one character loses all his lives while the others still have them then it’s an automatic game over. Now that’s just unfair.”

See I can do it to, it’s not hard.

7:22 - 8:05: He also remarks on the AI controlled partners, but says they suck either way. You only get them for 5 seconds, and they fire in the wrong direction. Well, why do you use them if they suck? In fact, get the Wise Sage back it’s 2-Player game. Why didn’t you use him here as well? START MAKING SENSE MOVIE! START! MAKING! SENSE! Gragh! *clears throat* With apologies to the Nostalgia Critic.

8:06 - 8:37: Bores notes that one aspect that stayed was the difficulty, pointing out that most of it comes from the length of the levels (… not really). He gets a game over, and resorts to his Game Genie for invincibility (pussy).

8:38 - 9:13: IG starts talking about the levels, and actually compliments them. What?
He remarks how one level has you crossing a river to get to a submarine (so?) and the best one is Level 4 where you jump across airplanes. He also notices the sound effects were lifted from Top Gun.
Stop! You’re aware that Top Gun and Contra Force were both developed by Konami right? Developers reused sound effects all the time, it was a common practice back then. How many times did Konami use that pause sound?
Also, why such a random fact? What purpose is there to mention that the plane sounds were the ones used in Top Gun? Was this a subtle reference to the AVGN, the person you deny exists?

9:14 - 9:46: A part with Bores going through Level 3. Nothing too offensive here.

9:47 - 10:11: “But the most baffling thing about this game, has to be the ending.” Here we go again.
IG whines that the person you were looking for is still missing, and that several things are unsolved. By the way, I checked and this is the only ending to the game so there’s no Good Ending.

He continues complaining that this game is a real piece of shit because you beat it for nothing. Says the man who had to beat the game with invincibility.

The video ends with Bores burning the game (rather, using the fire to jump-cut it out of frame) and that he has one more review lined up. He presents a “To Be Continued” sign asking “don’t ya just hate cliffhangers?” Only if it’s for something worth watching, which this show isn’t.

This review was terrible. It wasn’t as bad as the first Contra video, but that’s attributed to the BORING Contra Force review.
Speaking of that, why didn’t he mention any of the game’s real flaws? Like the horrible lag that happens when just TWO enemies appear on screen, or the game’s Gradius-style weapon system that makes it almost impossible to get a powerful weapon?

Well then, the next Redux Recap will be about his WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 (Wii) review. That will be for another day. Right now, I’m going to wait for more of his E3 fail.

E3 Part 1: Looks Like I'm Covering This After All

I’d like to announce that the Contra Part 2 recap will be up today. I’m actually going to work on it.

But first, here’s a brief recap of his E3 videos.

Interview with SWAG:
- Same old shit. Obviously SWAG is feeding him lines to say to keep up this charade that only idiots still believe. You’ll notice that Bores doesn’t speak until SWAG says certain keywords.

Donkey Kong Country Returns demo:
- BOOOOOORING! Though for some reason the video cuts off after Chris asks a question about the old bosses. My guess is that the presenter told him “Who the fuck cares?”

Nintendo Press Conference Part 1:
- Stop calling it a private conference, it’s not private if millions of people around the world can see it.
- Is it me or does he look really bored? Like “I don’t want to do this” bored.
- Wow, despite Bill saying “Wii Remote” over and over again, Bores somehow still calls it “Wii Joystick”. I don’t condone violence but can I “dope slap” him for being a dumbass?

Nintendo Press Conference Part 2:
- And if it wasn’t clear enough that he’s a fraud, he incorrectly names the Miis as “Wii Characters”. Come on, that’s just bad form man. What’s next, the 360 Avatars are “Xbox Characters”?
- According to Bores, “Mario’s Sports Mix” is going to have Link, Samus, Kirby, Zelda, Marth *gets info in earpiece* Oh. Apparently Bores is a moron that couldn’t say “Mario characters”.
-- I love how one comment tried defending him saying “but Diddy Kong isn’t a Mario character”. Foolish fanboy, the Donkey Kong series is a subsection of Mario. That’s why he has appeared in multiple Mario Kart and Mario Party games.
- Just gloss over the DS RPGs, it’s not like those games might actually be epic or awesome. DRAGON QUEST IS NOT WORTHY OF YOUR GREASY HANDS YOU… ahem. Moving on.

Nintendo Press Conference Part 3:
- “Wow, a new Kirby game. I’m so excited.” Seriously look at his expression, he looks beyond bored.
- Dude, enough with the forced reactions. You’re not excited at all.
- Of course people were anticipating the Metroid Other M trailer, it’s an already announced game that people are looking forward to!
- At least he had the decency to take the footage from other sites so we didn’t have to see the low quality camera footage.
- Uhhh Chris, the 3DS didn’t come out in stores. How can you review it “in the coming week”? Oh that’s right, you’re an idiot that doesn’t know the difference between a review and a preview. How silly of me to forget that.
- GAH FACE! Seriously that reaction was so fake. Just stop it.
- I’m surprised he didn’t show the army of women each holding a 3DS. Then again, he probably would have forced more of that “Aw yeah this is getting hawt” voice, and I don’t want to hear that.
- Really? Only those two games? What about Skyward Sword, Epic Mickey, Dragon Quest IX, Golden Sun: Dark Dawn, Metroid Other M, Kirby’s Epic Yarn? Once again, it seems like everything he knows about video games comes from Captain N (Donkey Kong was a minor villain, and Samus wasn’t in the show just Mother Brain).

God, I’m going to hate the “reviews” he’ll eventually release.
You know, I just realized why he calls them reviews. When he does Neo reviews, he spends the same amount of time playing those games and still calls it a full review.

Contra Part 2. Later today.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Irate Gamers' Newest Contest is a Scam (UPDATE)

I would like to thank TheArchfiend for bringing this to my attention.

A couple of days ago, Bores released a video promoting a contest where one lucky user could win a PS3 package totaling $500 dollars. That's the system and a bunch of games. Which games is never said.

All we have to do is subscribe to his channel, sign up to the site, and leave a comment on his profile. Once that's done, one lucky winner will be picked randomly.
Wow! This sounds completely legit, I totally believe that I will get a working PS3 from this guy.

You know, when I first saw this video I didn't think too much of it. I thought it was less douchey than his previous contest where all we had to do was subscribe and win his DVD and just left it at that.
Oddly enough, one of the winners of that contest was HemiJeep19; another YouTube Partner and a bigger whore than Shane Dawson (or so I heard).
Thanks to TheArchfiend, I learned that Chris Bores is scamming people and once again using it as a tool for extra subscribers.

I did a quick Google search to see how legit DealDash is. One link I found was from HouseholdHacker's Twitter (yes they're a popular YouTube partner but they look less dickish than most of them) saying "it's obviously a scam".
DealDash itself is an auction site where you can pay a fistful of dollars for something awesome like a stereo system or a high-end digital camera. I read that there are a few people that have learned to take advantage of the system and able to always get the best items. Either way, I don't trust the site.

How do we know that this PS3 actually works or is in good condition? What games will we get with it? He showed Batman: Arkham Asylum, LittleBigPlanet, God of War III, Ghostbusters, and Red Dead Redemption. But for all we know, the winner gets Mobile Suit Gundam: Crossfire, Rogue Warrior, and Damnation.

And how will the winner be picked? Bores could make a sockpuppet account, post on the video and that account could win.

Other people on YouTube have done this contest, and it's all a trick to gain more subscribers or to get their videos into the "Most Commented" section.

Watch TheArchfiend's video to learn all the details.

Also, Bores hasn't mentioned having this contest on his site. Hmm...

Thanks to my readers, some new information has come to light.

In the description, Bores says this "Oh, and the winner will be picked on the 20th or the 21st." The keyword here is "or". If you're going to organize a contest with a prize THIS big (if it does exist) then you should set a date in stone. This continues to show how haphazardly put-together this whole thing is and it all looks like a scam to recover subscribers lost after the Tekken 6 review.
Thanks to Zinger314 for point this out.

A Mr. polo_sc83 did a little investigation on the legitimacy of DealDash and came across some interesting info.
- The site mentions The NY Times and Wired, implying that these two reputable news sources have mentioned them in a positive light. A quick search of these two sites shows that DealDash was never mentioned.
-- This is a common technique used by con artists in order to fool people. The commercial for mentions they were given press in Newsweek and Time Magazine. However, it's plainly obvious FinallyFast is a scam and only fools will buy into it (if you're fooled by an iMac getting a Windows BSoD then you're a moron).
- The page saying "Scam? No way!" claims they are operated by Recreational Shopping Inc. and provides a link. A quick look at Recreational Shopping Inc. shows that they not once mention DealDash. So once again, this is a trick used to try and prove they're legit.

So with this, it's easy to say DealDash should not be trusted. Why would Bores want to be affiliated these guys?

Update Two!
y2b2010 just posted this.
Bores didn't contact DealDash, they contacted him. Along with the 4 other people shown in the video.
He also gave a link to this video explaining that you spend more on an item than the actual retail price.

Well done Irate Gamer, you fell for a con.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Prince of Persia Film Review + Other Tidbits

This just in, Bores released a review of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (the movie).
How was it? Generic and boring.

I'll sum it up "Jake Gyllenhaal is the lead character. This movie reminded me of The Mummy 1 & 2 so it was good. This movie was decent. It had action, special effects, and beautiful women. It was decent but could have been better. There should have been more magic. The dagger was awesome but barely used. So final verdict, it was decent. Did I say that it was decent enough times? And no I won't explain in detail why I thought this movie was decent."

MatthewErich did an excellent parody where he took the audio from Bores' Iron Man 2 review, changed a few names, and overlayed images of gay porn. That's the biggest problem with his movie reviews, they're so generic that he could be talking about anything; they're even shorter than the trailers.

lukestarkiller441 has given up on defending the Irate Gamer. After his little bitchfit over his imposter, he changed his profile from "Obama-hating Republican" to "Tribute to Straight Edge punk". He also unsubscribed and de-friended IG so he could no longer go to his videos.

However, there are still plenty of stupid fans out there. Here are some recent arguments I've seen.
"Why do people dislike his videos?" "Because they don't like him being an AVGN rip-off" ... Really? Have you considered people "dislike" his videos for other reasons like incompetence?
"They dislike his videos because they don't agree with his opinion" *sighs* The opinion card. There's a difference between an opinion, and getting your facts wrong. Bores constantly gets his facts wrong and doesn't care to correct them, that's why we "dislike" his videos.

"If you don't like him, then don't express your opinions you whiners. Just don't talk." Yeah, it's obvious a lot of his fans are kids unaware to the concept of criticism.
There's a lot more but there's only so much stupidity I can take.

I also want to address this statement Bores wrote at his site.

"Alright guys, I just posted the 3-in-1 Tekken review on YouTube and due to a few e-mails asking me to review the arcade mode in Tekken 6, I did just that. so make sure you check that out."
Asked you to review it? Stop making your PMs sound nicer than they really are. Ralph Baer did NOT like your video, and I'm sure they didn't "ask you to review the Arcade mode" as much as "insult you for being a lazy fucktard."

Finally, E3 is coming in a few days. Tons of a great news so far (Mortal Kombat reboot, Lord of the Rings game from Snowblind Studios, Rock Band 3 comes with a keyboard) and some of the best reviewers will be there. The Spoony One, Angry Joe, JewWario, James Rolfe, and many more (I think).

From the lack of news at IG's site, it sounds like Bores won't be going this year. That's a good thing, I don't think GottGame wants a repeat of the half-assed "review" videos and the embarassing interviews.
GI Joe Rep: The game takes place right after the movie.
Bores: K... *10 second pause* So does the game follow the movie?

That's all for now.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Odds & Ends + Bores Tries to Save His Tekken 6 Review (And Fails)

You guys might be wondering where I've been. Well, I got a really bad clickjacker on my computer that keeps bringing up pop-ups from "" or "" and other similar pages. All the computer scans I've been doing brought up nothing and I still can't fix this problem.

So, if anyone has a solution then please let me know because I would REALLY like an answer (and it's getting VERY annoying). Plus I can go back to Firefox because I can't stand Opera.

I've also decided NOT to cover his Garbage Pail Kids video, and for the same reason I didn't cover his TMNT Archie Comics video; it's BORRRRRRRRRRRRRING! All I know is that he stole from the Wikipedia article and had a unbelievably idiotic ending where he blows his head up a/la the Adam Bomb card. You can tell DatBoiDrew wasn't even trying with that sketch (if you look at his other artwork that is).

In other news, Bores uploaded that heinous 3-in-1 Neo review (Brutal Legend, Tekken 6, Turtles in Time Reshelled) to YouTube. However, he changed the middle portion. He altered some of the footage from the initial Tekken 6 review (where he bashes the game) but after confessing that he would give good reviews for money, he adds something new.

Bores tells us that he got a bunch of e-mails telling him how much of a retard he is. "Chris, you goober..." WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? He tells us he couldn't find the Arcade mode because it was hidden... no you're a fucking moron because you didn't play for more than an hour to find that out. It's like you put the game in your 360, set a timer, and once it went off you'd review all that.

And here's where it gets insulting. He praises the game. Yeah, he likes the characters and says the controls are smooth. But in order to avoid further work, he still says the game sucks saying that he prefers Mortal Kombat and still doesn't understand why this has a following. Here's what you do Bores, edit out that part where you throw the box. It shouldn't be that hard.

Oh, and he removes that bit about looking online and seeing that people agreed with his "ssessment".

That's all for now folks. Hopefully if I can fix this clickjacker problem I'll get to the Contra Part 2 recap. *shudders* That's going to hurt.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Redux Recap: The Konami Code and Spread Gun Won't Save This Review

I put this off long enough, but I’m done stalling. Let’s recap IG’s Contra review.

I don’t have to tell you that Contra is a classic. Only way someone could hate this game is if they have zero hand-eye coordination or the intelligence of a worm.

Let’s begin.

0:20 - 0:26: The video starts with the Contra start-up screen, only Bill & Lance have been replaced by IG and Wise Sage. Wow… weak.

0:27 - 0:39: Bores starts talking about Contra being popular on the NES, how the gameplay was groundbreaking, and that the reason it was popular was the ability to play 2-players simultaneously.
It seems like Bores can’t figure why a game was popular. He claims Super Mario Bros. was popular because they packaged it with the NES, he says TMNT Arcade was popular because of the multi-player, and now he says Contra is popular because of the co-op. Didn’t he ever consider that these games were just fun?

0:40 - 0:58: Then Bores starts drooling over the various guns. Before I point out what’s wrong, I want to mention that this is a strange place to talk about this.
A review needs structure so that it flows without constant whiplash. This is something you explain when talking about the overall gameplay, not something you place in the introduction. However, I have an idea why he placed it here and I’ll tell you when I get there.

He starts to list off the weapons “Machine Guns, Laser Guns, spray guns” ahem, I believe that’s called the Spread Gun (often nicknamed the Spreader) not the spray gun. “Guns I don’t know the name of…” then look up the name, it’s called the Fire Gun (sometimes the Flamethrower).

Now you’ll see why he talked about the guns, just so he could do a pointless joke where he’s firing the Contra Machine Gun at nothing while yelling “Take that you bitches!” What does this have to do with anything? SPECIAL EFFECTS WOOOOOOO!
He concludes this bit telling us there’s a lot of enemies and is glad you’re allowed to upgrade your weapon. Well, considering how you play you’ll always be stuck with the Rifle.

0:59 - 1:03: “Even though this game is awesome, it still had it’s share of flawls” Ohhh boy, here we go folks.
Translation: “I’m going to nitpick unimportant aspects of this game in hopes that stupid 10 year old kids will buy my t-shirts. Who cares about gameplay or visuals, when I can whine about the lack of story and the difficulty.”
Flawls… who talks like that?

1:03 - 1:06: “First off, where’s the backstory to this game?

1:06 - 1:15: IG notes that we’re dropped on an island fighting off bad guys. He asks “why am I fighting here, is there a specific reason for this?” Hey wise guy, check out the instruction manual for the story.
It’s an 8-Bit game, most of those stories were just “Bad guy has kidnapped princess/girlfriend/companion, go save her” or “Bad guy wants to take over the world, go stop him.” Were you expecting Isaac Asimov levels of writing? Of course, that would be too difficult for you.

1:16 - 1:26: “I guess there could be answer in the instruction manual, but to hell with that. Whoever reads those things anyway?” *record scratch*
So you want to find out the story of the game, yet you refuse to read the manual the ONLY source for this info (in 1988). What the hell is your problem?
And to answer you question, a lot of people read the manuals. People that want to know how to play the game or figure why you’re playing.

To further his point, we cut to him holding a bunch of manuals exclaiming “I can’t waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it!” and on cue he throws them into the air. My snark-senses are telling me this scene come back and bite him.

1:26 - 1:31: “Now, judging by the title of this game. I think it’s pretty obvious what your mission objective will be.” No it isn’t, it’s not obvious at all. Does he think this game has us fighting Nicaraguan rebels? Not in the Reagan years.

1:32 - 2:13: “But I do wonder what transpired before this game even began?” I would say read the manual, but realize he said that just to set-up this pointless sketch.

We cut to the Pentagon (rather, a picture of it) as a robe-less Eric Allen is looking bored while pretending to type. Suddenly an obviously fake radar let’s off a few blips and Eric looks off to the side informing his superior that there’s trouble. We see his CO is Bores in a very fake mustache… I’ve got nothing.

Somehow those random blips were able to tell Eric that an island in the Pacific has been taken over by terrorists, must be a magic radar. Then, one of Bores’ finest acting moments “Good GOD! Wake the president!” Wow, you’re making the delivery in Werewolf look natural.
So yeah, this “cliché terrorist plot” Bores made-up is what he thinks is the story to Contra. It sounds like the plot of a feature-length Contra movie directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak.

We cut back to IG telling us “the 8-bit translation would look something like this.” This time we see a hand-drawn Pentagon (yeah, I’m sure an 8-Bit rendition of the Pentagon would look like something out of MS Paint) as 8-Bit versions of his characters go over the same situation. Midway through, Bores stops because “it’s too painful to watch”.

*sighs* Where do I even begin?
You refuse to read the instruction manual for no reason other than “I just gotta play it!” and then you pad out the video with this absolutely pointless sketch that accomplishes nothing. This sketch didn’t need to exist.
And somehow you think your little fanfic is the real story to Contra. Will you just deflate your damn ego?
Then you decide to show the 8-bit rendition but stop midway because “it’s too painful” making this even more unnecessary. Why? Why did you make this sketch?
And what was that “Hmm I wonder” look at the beginning? Was this an attempt at a Scrubs-style cutaway? Here’s the thing Chris; when Scrubs did it, it was funny. When you do it, it’s shockingly painful.
Seriously, you refuse to learn the story of Contra and then you make up this bullshit for some reason that not even a deity can comprehend. *sighs* Moving on.

Fun Fact: In the Japanese version of Contra, the game has an in-game backstory with cutscenes between levels (along with a map). This is thanks to a custom Famicom chip Konami was using. Maybe Bores would have preferred the Japanese version.
Thanks to vnisanian2001 for reminding me of this.

2:14 - 2:31: “Now it’s pretty obvious the military…” Yeah yeah yeah.
“But whose bright idea was it to send in only two soldiers against a shitload of rogue terrorists.” See what I mean, he believes his contrived story.
Those two soldiers are meant to be Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, the two biggest action movie stars at the time.

To top off this stupidity he asks “Who’s commanding this operation, Gomer Pyle? Well golllllly.” That impression was heinous.

2:32 - 3:17: “There’s a lot of enemies in this game…” No shit.
Bores remarks on the amount of enemies, and points out that you can get help. Wait, what help?
Oh, he means the gun upgrades. Why are you talking about this again? You already mentioned the weapons earlier in the review so why are you bringing this up? This is what I meant by poor structure, he revisited an aspect of the game that he brought up two minutes ago. Either it’s a case of “viewers are goldfish” or Bores is a terrible director.

“These upgrades turn out to be very useful…” No shit.
He claims one gun is useless and doesn’t work, the Laser Gun. He says that if you keep firing it only goes a few feet ahead of you. Here’s a thought, have you tried letting go of the B button? See what happens there.

IG tells us “avoid it like the fucking plague” (Hey Chris, a Mr. Armake21 called. He wants his catchphrase back) because touching it means we’re as good as dead. Jacob9k1 showed off a few stages of Super C using only the laser, and he defeated the stage 2 boss in a few seconds. There exist “laser-only” runs on YouTube. It may not have the efficiency of the Spreader, but it’s far from worthless.
By the way, who’s the second player? Right now, IG isn’t playing with anyone so is there a ghost in there?

To further insult us, IG does another pointless bit where the Laser upgrade appears in his room, he touches it and “dies”. You know what would make this scene funny? The upgrade drops down and says “Nice try, I’m not falling for that” or better yet NOT DO IT AT ALL!

3:18 - 3:43: IG notes that the game can be fun, but be prepared to give our thumb a real work-out since every gun in the game (except the Machine Gun) requires pressing the B button repeatedly to shoot. To this I say “So?” It’s not a big deal since most enemies go down in one hit and if you have the Spreader it makes things a lot easier.

But who cares about facts when we can have pointless special effects? His comment ensues a scene where he mashes his NES controller (it doesn’t look like he’s actually playing) until it “blows up”. IG then declares he needs a turbo controller. You wimp.
I should mention that he’s never seen playing a turbo controller in the entire video. So this scene was entirely, that’s right, pointless.

3:44 - 4:01: Bores complains about the difficulty. How we only get three lives and three continues, and how we have to start at the beginning if we choose to continue. Oh boo-hoo, how dare they actually give us a chance.
Contra isn’t that hard. It’s not a walk in the park, but it’s not “crazy-hard” like Battletoads, Bionic Commando, or the Ghouls N Ghosts series. It doesn’t deserve to be on GameTrailer’s Top 10 Most Difficult Games, there’s much harder out there.

4:02 - 4:25: I hope you like Winter Games action and constipated expressions because we have another montage! IG tries to play through Level 2 but he sucks so much that he doesn’t complete it. Yeah, he’s that bad.
He throws his controller and whines that this game is too hard.

I think it’s time for a lesson in “Fake Difficulty vs. Real Difficulty”.
Real difficulty is the game’s initial difficulty level, and can be completed with enough skill and practice. Contra is a great example of this, with smooth controls and easy gameplay. With real difficulty, if you die then it’s all your fault.
Fake difficulty is when bad design choices make the game unplayable. If you die, you can actually blame it on the game’s shoddy programming. Games like Dragon’s Lair (NES), and The Wizard of Oz (SNES) are prime examples of hard for all the wrong reasons.

4:26 - 4:49: IG declares that he gives up. Good, review over. See you guys la-
“Use the code Luke” Oh come on!
Yes, if this video hasn‘t insulted your intelligence enough, a guy dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi appears and tells Bores to use the code. Introducing the sixth character in Irate Gamers’ repertoire of cliché bullshit, the Wise Sage. Great name huh?
However, people like the Wise Sage. He’s played by a different person, and he’s a much better actor than Bores. Plus, I think Mr. Eric Allen knows how bad these videos are. I once contacted him with reasons I hate IG (he asked for them), and he responded with something about criticism (I don’t have the messages anymore) but he never gave a clear answer on his actual opinion of the Irate Gamer.

Oh right the video. Wise Sage tells him to use the code while calling him Luke, Bores thanks him and tells him he’s not Luke. Then for no reason Sage leaves, prompting one of Bores’ “laugh-now stares”. Maybe Sage is looking for lukestarkiller441?

4:50 - 5:26: “So what is this code you ask?” Playing us for fools now, this is crap.
Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start.
IG says that “the developers of the game” (you mean Konami?) included a code to give us 30 lives. He also says “this code is infamous by most old-school gamers out there” *sighs* I believe the word you’re looking for is “famous”. Infamous means something that’s remembered for being bad, like Deadly Towers or Rise of the Robots. Giving a person 30 lives isn’t a bad thing.

So he does an “epic” code entry. How do I know it’s epic? He has music playing over it. Again Bores; just because you put dramatic music over something, doesn’t mean it’s epic.
He enters the code and does a pose & face that looks less like “triumph” and more like “I went to the potty all by myself”.
Bores notices nothing is happening and realizes he needs to be on the title screen for it to work. Moron.

5:28 - 5:43: IG tells us it’s a good idea to get a second player to help out. He decides to ask one of his friends if they want to play. We cut to stock images of empty hallways and offices with crickets chirping. Bores realizes he should get some friends first.
I don’t get this scene, was this an attempt at self-deprecation humor? That’s not how it works. Watch Rodney Dangerfield stand-up to see how it’s done.

5:44 - 5:58: Oh but that doesn’t matter since the Wise Sage shows up. This makes me wonder if that last scene had any point, the Sage could have just showed up without Bores subjecting us to that unfunny bit of self-loathing. Sage agrees and does a lame “badass hood removal” showing that he’s wearing sunglasses.

5:59 - 6:13: IG remarks that one of the coolest features is playing the game with 2 pla… YOU ALREADY SAID THIS! Something tells me he shoots like 4 versions of each scene, and the scenes at the beginning were leftovers that he forgot to remove.
He also remarks that having a second player can help clear out the “board of enemies” (seriously what?) and make things go much faster. Well that is true, you can also make it a race to see who is the better player. That’s the case with a lot of co-op games.
Then he says you can kill the bosses a lot faster, yeah we’re getting into boring now.

6:14 - 6:33: IG notes there’s only one drawback to having a second player, and yes he actually pronounces drawback correctly.
This drawback is that you die if you fall to the bottom… great I’m getting Goonies II flashbacks. This “flaw” is also in a 1-player game, it’s how the level was programmed. Of course, you sucked so bad you couldn’t reach the third level to learn this.

We then cut to Bores and Sage playing the game. This is one of the scenes that confirms Eric is a much better actor than Bores. Look at his hands, it looks like he’s actually playing the game. Bores is just doing the same Winter Games bullcrap he’s always been doing.
IG dies from a pit and yells at Sage, who promptly tells him to shut up. See, that’s how an actual gamer would act. Something went very wrong here…
There’s also a plot hole here that I just noticed. In the wide-shot, Sage has his sunglasses on, but in the close-up his sunglasses are gone. Strange.

6:34 - 7:15: Bores praises the stage bosses calling them unique and “in-neresting” (note that one of the bosses he shows is the one from Level 6).
Before I cover the immense stupidity of this scene, I want to point out that Sage dies but when he comes back his life count doesn’t go down. They can’t even get past level 3 without relying on Game Genie, good fuckity god.

And now, onto the stupidity.
IG wonders what boss they’ll get at the end of Level 3. When the boss reveals itself, “dramatic” music starts playing and the two guys give off an expression of dull surprise.
Then… “Now wait just a fucking minute here! There are aliens in this game?” Facepalm at the ready. “What the shit? I thought I was fighting a terrorist war, now I’m fighting an alien war?” Initiate facepalm *POW*
Are you serious? Somehow the existence of aliens in this game shocks you. This wasn’t a big twist, the manual flat-out tells you aliens have invaded. Oh that’s right, you didn’t read the manual because “I just gotta play it!”
“Boy, I’ve been seriously misled” Nothing misled you! You can’t even file this under “Rule of Funny” because there’s nothing funny about this. It makes you sound like an illiterate moron.
He notices that if he looked at the cover art he should have seen the big alien head. *sighs* You know, this shows that he never played Contra before. If he did, he never got past the third level until now, and that is fucking pathetic.

7:16 - 7:26: IG telling us this game doesn’t get boring or repetitive. I wish I could say the same for your videos.

7:27 - 7:42: The two of them reach the final level (we’re almost done). Bores points out how the mini-boss looks similar to the creature from Alien, and thinks it’s probably a coincidence. No, that was the intention. Konami got a lot of ideas from Hollywood movies for Contra, and that’s why Americans love the game. That and it’s MANLY! TESTOSTERONE TO THE EXTREME! HEAVY METAL!

7:43 - 7:58: He says the worst thing about Level 8 are “the cotton ball things” because they chase you around. Hey dingus, hit the mouths. That will stop them from respawning. “It doesn’t matter if you kill one, because five more will be right behind you.” That looks more like two than five.

7:59 - 8:13: The two of them reach the final boss (Red Falcon), and Bores whines about the lack of creativity. *thud* There’s the loud thud of irony again. He says he’s easy to kill and you’ll win in no time. Yeah…

So the video ends with Bores getting ecstatic over the ending (there’s a surprise) because we saved the universe. He then sets up for the next episode (uggggh) and follows that with a lame 24 parody involving the Mustache Bores and Wise Sage.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH FUCK THIS REVIEW! I mean wow, he bashed Contra for all the wrong reasons. He has no fucking idea what he’s talking about. Plus, this just showcases how bad he is at games. And no, using Game Genie isn’t “playing bad on purpose” that means you’re terrible at the game.

This was also the video that initiated TheArchfiend’s many tirades against the Irate Hack, since Arch noticed that he was allowing comments on this video and that most of them were negative.
The sad thing is, I still have two more Contra videos. Yeah, next redux recap is Super C and that review is just as bad; maybe even worse.

Before I go, I want to mention that Bores promised a new “I Rate the 80s” or as I like to call it “Breakfast Rant 2.0” in his last video (the trailer for that wretched Neo review). Exactly how long does it take to talk about food? I don’t know, and really I don’t care.