Redux Recap: A Super Force of Contra Stupidity

After his Contra review, Bores wasn’t done with showing people he’s a terrible gamer. So he released a second Contra video, this one covering Super C and Contra Force. I’m still on the fence whether this video is worse than the first Contra review. So… let’s begin. I am skipping the preview video for it. Title: I want to briefly address the title of this video. “Other Contra Games Pt. 1 Super Contra Force”. He combined both titles into one, making it sound like he’s reviewing some game called “Super Contra Force”. Idiot. One play of “Digital Juice’s Blind Pass” later. 0:20 - 0:42: Bores starts off saying Contra was successful and that they released a sequel titled Super C. “Now I’m not a marketing genius or anything…” understatement of the year. “…but how would anybody know this is a Contra game by looking at the title?” The big, freaking C in the title is the same font as the original game. Plus, advertisements in Nintendo Power and other magazines helped. Bores puts the game in his NES starting the review. Points for doing it correctly. 0:43 - 0:53: “Once you’re dropped out of a helicopter, your mission begins” I’m really tired of your Captain Obvious statements, can’t you write your reviews without thinking your viewers are pants-on-head retarded? He notes how it hasn’t made any changes in graphics and gameplay so it should be familiar to people that played the first one. 0:54 - 1:07: Bores remarks that if we thought the first game was hard then “we ain’t seen nothing yet”. What the hell? Are you implying that Super C is harder than the first game? “They pretty much made the same game, but doubled the amount of enemies.” Good god he did, he thinks Super C is harder than Contra. Are you insane? 1:08 - 1:21: He reaches the first boss and starts complaining that there’s too many enemies and he can’t avoid them. Uhh, shoot them? That’s why you have a gun, you shoot them with it. Stop jumping around like a moron and shoot them! Just get the Spreader and win, it’s that easy. Fun Fact: JoeyDrunko and Jacob9k1 made videos showing just how easy the helicopter boss really is, meaning Bores just plain sucks at it. But there’s no time for sense, it’s time for lazy photoshop! Bores remarks the only way he could win is if he had a controller for a hand, and shows a picture of his hand replaced with an NES controller (as he tries to look shocked). You see, Bores needs 50-70 hours in order to make “EPIC” photoshops like this. He can’t just make a fist and place an image of the controller over it, he has to literally morph his hand into a controller. No wait, he’s just a lazy dick. Wait, how could he play it? Unless his right hand is able to use both the D-Pad and the A & B buttons then it’s impossible. I just realized I’m trying to add logic to one of the Irate Gamers’ god awful jokes, so let’s move on. 1:22 - 1:36: “The aliens are back with a vengeance!” Because Bores thought terrorists were the main villains in the first Contra, he has to shove in the word “alien” as many times as he can. That means we’ll get a lot of pointless alien jokes, like this one where a Galaga ship comes out of nowhere and hits him. Why is that there? Uhhh WOOOO SPARKLY WOOOO *runs* 1:37 - 1:55: IG whines that there’s too much to deal with and points out a part from the first level where a power-up gets stuck on a high ledge. I should mention that power-up isn’t even a weapon, it’s a Mega Shell that kills all the enemies on screen. To Bores, this might be useful but all the enemies in that spot are EASY to kill. All he’s doing is killing himself on purpose. Oh, and this line “Don’t they know that white men can’t jump?” Look a pointless movie reference, it’s funny because it exists! 1:56 - 2:16: IG continues to whine, this time about the game’s extra lives code. According to him, this game sucks because this code (it’s not the Konami Code) only gives you 10 lives instead of 30. “Do they expect me to beat this game with only 10 lives and 3 continues?” No, they expect you to beat it with 3 lives and 3 continues. Pussy. “Who the hell do they think I am, Rambo?” Yes, you are Rambo! Once again, Bill & Lance are based off Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. One of Stallone’s most popular characters is Rambo. Do some fucking research. Seriously though, what idiot would complain that a cheat code isn’t effective enough? Yeah, I know the AVGN mentioned that the Game Genie codes of Ninja Gaiden wouldn’t help him but he was looking for something to help him reach the final boss because he keeps getting pushed to the beginning of 6-1. 2:17 - 2:56: “What I need is a genie, a Game Genie of course!” Don’t tell me you’re really going to… “How do you get one? By rubbing a magic lamp” He takes out a lava lamp (it’s sad that The Fairly Oddparents did this joke 1000 times better, and before him *hint hint*). He rubs the lamp and one “effect hiding a jump-cut” later has a Game Genie. “For my first wish, I wish for infinite continues!” … There are not enough “epic fail” images to convey the horror of this scene. Also note that he doesn’t actually put the Game Genie in his system, rather he “pushes it” and the code magically goes into it. This is to hide that he’s using an emulator. “Now I’ll just add the secret code, and get a second player to play!” Hmm, infinite continues, 10 lives, and a second player. That seems WAY too excessive. Cue the Wise Sage, note that he’s not wearing sunglasses. Bores tells him the “objective” and now he’s wearing sunglasses, only to put sunglasses over those sunglasses. Didn’t Airplane do this joke? 2:57 - 3:42: “Having a second player is pretty much a requirement if you want to reach the end”. Do you know why Super C is considered an easier game? There are a lot less cheap deaths, the bullets are colored thus easier to see, the overhead stages are much easier than the pseudo-3D ones from the first game, and the weapons are a lot more effective. But why bother checking that when you can have pointless jokes and references? Bores, once again, whines about the amount of enemies, citing level 3 as having too many. Hey jackass, duck into the water; you’re invincible there. He also notes that you only fight aliens in the last couple of stages. Look at this footage, nobody can possibly be this bad without it being on purpose. They’re jumping into enemies, they’re standing in the line of fire, and they’re not shooting their guns. It’s difficult to believe you when you suck so much. Because Bores mentions the aliens again, it’s time for another pointless joke! We cut to shot of him “Winter Gaming” with a ton of blank space over his head. Cue another ship from Galaga, this one using a tractor beam. Bores gets out of the way and shoots it with a Zapper, and yes he uses the same explosion effect. Following that with a “laugh now stare”. MatthewErich is currently working on a video to show just how lazy Bores and his effects really are. I shall enjoy seeing it when it comes out. 3:43 - 4:08: He’s at a point in the last level where the ceiling falls, and he’s obviously not trying to shoot the alien orbs that appear above him. Following that with a death montage (because he’s not even trying). “I swear there’s more aliens here than the Mos Eisley Spaceport!” “Ah yes, I agree”. That wasn’t funny. Come on Eric Allen, you’re better than this. Distance yourself from Bores, you actually have talent. 4:09 - 4:29: The two of them reach Kimkoh and Bores wonders if she’s supposed to be “disgusting or kinky”. … Moving on. The final boss is defeated and Bores lets out a “Alright we won.” Hmm, that delivery sounded familiar. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIUPT5QVGJA OH SNAP! 4:30 - 4:37: The Wise Sage declares his work is done and leaves (by teleporting a/la I Dream of Jeanie). Say good-bye to the Wise Sage, we won’t be seeing him for another year (the Aladdin review came out a year after this one). We cut to Bores holding the controller very awkwardly and OH MY GOD what is wrong with your face? 4:38 - 5:10: Bores starts looking over the credits saying “I think I won but the game doesn’t tell me!” Uhh, those are the credits. That’s normally an indication that you beat the game. He starts whining that someone gave a special thanks to the “Super C Team” (and they deserve it for making such a great game). Bores decides to give his own special thanks and flips off the camera with a look of constipation. Okay, why are you being disrespectful to Konami? This was a great game, sure it wasn’t as good as the first but it was still great. Apparently he hates this game because there’s no real ending (IG complaining about the ending, why am I not surprised?) because there’s too many enemies, and that you can’t get 30 Lives. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Wah wah wah go screw yourself you pussy. All you’re doing is bitching that this game is too hard. It’s not the game’s fault that you suck at it, it’s your own damn fault. You know, I’m glad Bores didn’t know that Contra and Super C were originally Arcade games. Otherwise we’d get a repeat of the TMNT II review (waaah, it sucks because it isn’t pretty like the Arcade version). I actually prefer the NES version of Contra to the Arcade version. Though, it didn’t help that I was playing the Xbox Live Arcade version of it… 5:11 - 5:29: Bores starts talking about Contra Force, and how he spent $40 dollars on it. He thinks that at this price it must be a great game. If price was an indication of quality then Caltron 6-in-1 and Action 52 would be the best games ever made. 5:30 - 6:02: He starts playing and notices the game looks nothing like Contra, wondering why the “blimps” (weapon capsules you fool), aliens and main characters aren’t there. He thinks somebody took a different game and slapped the Contra logo on it. This part confuses me, Bores says over the footage “That’s exactly what they did” and Bores on camera yells “WHAT? Cue the music!” So, there’s different people talking? Maybe it’s just bad writing? … Yeah that’s it. 6:03 - 6:40: Grab a pillow it’s history time! Bores drones about Contra Force originally being a game in Japan called Arc Hound, a game that was eventually shelved. “Konami decided to buy the license and release it in the US”. Hey genius, Konami didn’t “buy the license” they were the ones developing the game. That would be like saying “Konami had to buy the rights of Castlevania in order to release it.” It makes as much sense as saying Super Mario Bros. 2 ripped off Doki Doki Panic when they’re both by Nintendo. Speaking of Mario, Bores remarks how nothing was altered to fit it into the “Contra family” citing a similar instance with Super Mario Bros. 2. Don’t even try to compare those two games, Contra Force is nothing like SMB2. Mainly because Super Mario Bros. 2 doesn’t suck. 6:41 - 6:51: IG wonders how many people bought the game thinking they were getting a Contra title. To answer you question Bores, nobody bought it. It came out after Contra III, and kids were busy with that and other SNES titles. Most of them didn’t bother with the NES after that. “Let’s just get this review done and over with.” That’s kind of redundant. 6:52 - 7:21: So the review really starts with IG complimenting the ability to switch out your characters. There’s also this line “but the one thing that really sucks is that if your character loses his last life, the game ends.” Now, you might think is unbelievably retarded but he quickly clarifies “even if your other characters still have lives left”. The problem with this though, is that he structured it poorly. People took that first sentence out of context and used it as evidence that he’s a moron (not that there needs to be any more evidence but still…). Here’s how I would have said it. “An interesting thing about Contra Force is that pausing the game allows you to switch characters. So say your character loses a life or has a great weapon you don’t want wasted, you can just switch them out. However, if one character loses all his lives while the others still have them then it’s an automatic game over. Now that’s just unfair.” See I can do it to, it’s not hard. 7:22 - 8:05: He also remarks on the AI controlled partners, but says they suck either way. You only get them for 5 seconds, and they fire in the wrong direction. Well, why do you use them if they suck? In fact, get the Wise Sage back it’s 2-Player game. Why didn’t you use him here as well? START MAKING SENSE MOVIE! START! MAKING! SENSE! Gragh! *clears throat* With apologies to the Nostalgia Critic. 8:06 - 8:37: Bores notes that one aspect that stayed was the difficulty, pointing out that most of it comes from the length of the levels (… not really). He gets a game over, and resorts to his Game Genie for invincibility (pussy). 8:38 - 9:13: IG starts talking about the levels, and actually compliments them. What? He remarks how one level has you crossing a river to get to a submarine (so?) and the best one is Level 4 where you jump across airplanes. He also notices the sound effects were lifted from Top Gun. Stop! You’re aware that Top Gun and Contra Force were both developed by Konami right? Developers reused sound effects all the time, it was a common practice back then. How many times did Konami use that pause sound? Also, why such a random fact? What purpose is there to mention that the plane sounds were the ones used in Top Gun? Was this a subtle reference to the AVGN, the person you deny exists? 9:14 - 9:46: A part with Bores going through Level 3. Nothing too offensive here. 9:47 - 10:11: “But the most baffling thing about this game, has to be the ending.” Here we go again. IG whines that the person you were looking for is still missing, and that several things are unsolved. By the way, I checked and this is the only ending to the game so there’s no Good Ending. He continues complaining that this game is a real piece of shit because you beat it for nothing. Says the man who had to beat the game with invincibility. The video ends with Bores burning the game (rather, using the fire to jump-cut it out of frame) and that he has one more review lined up. He presents a “To Be Continued” sign asking “don’t ya just hate cliffhangers?” Only if it’s for something worth watching, which this show isn’t. This review was terrible. It wasn’t as bad as the first Contra video, but that’s attributed to the BORING Contra Force review. Speaking of that, why didn’t he mention any of the game’s real flaws? Like the horrible lag that happens when just TWO enemies appear on screen, or the game’s Gradius-style weapon system that makes it almost impossible to get a powerful weapon? Well then, the next Redux Recap will be about his WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 (Wii) review. That will be for another day. Right now, I’m going to wait for more of his E3 fail.