Friday, June 25, 2010

E3 Part 1: Looks Like I'm Covering This After All

I’d like to announce that the Contra Part 2 recap will be up today. I’m actually going to work on it.

But first, here’s a brief recap of his E3 videos.

Interview with SWAG:
- Same old shit. Obviously SWAG is feeding him lines to say to keep up this charade that only idiots still believe. You’ll notice that Bores doesn’t speak until SWAG says certain keywords.

Donkey Kong Country Returns demo:
- BOOOOOORING! Though for some reason the video cuts off after Chris asks a question about the old bosses. My guess is that the presenter told him “Who the fuck cares?”

Nintendo Press Conference Part 1:
- Stop calling it a private conference, it’s not private if millions of people around the world can see it.
- Is it me or does he look really bored? Like “I don’t want to do this” bored.
- Wow, despite Bill saying “Wii Remote” over and over again, Bores somehow still calls it “Wii Joystick”. I don’t condone violence but can I “dope slap” him for being a dumbass?

Nintendo Press Conference Part 2:
- And if it wasn’t clear enough that he’s a fraud, he incorrectly names the Miis as “Wii Characters”. Come on, that’s just bad form man. What’s next, the 360 Avatars are “Xbox Characters”?
- According to Bores, “Mario’s Sports Mix” is going to have Link, Samus, Kirby, Zelda, Marth *gets info in earpiece* Oh. Apparently Bores is a moron that couldn’t say “Mario characters”.
-- I love how one comment tried defending him saying “but Diddy Kong isn’t a Mario character”. Foolish fanboy, the Donkey Kong series is a subsection of Mario. That’s why he has appeared in multiple Mario Kart and Mario Party games.
- Just gloss over the DS RPGs, it’s not like those games might actually be epic or awesome. DRAGON QUEST IS NOT WORTHY OF YOUR GREASY HANDS YOU… ahem. Moving on.

Nintendo Press Conference Part 3:
- “Wow, a new Kirby game. I’m so excited.” Seriously look at his expression, he looks beyond bored.
- Dude, enough with the forced reactions. You’re not excited at all.
- Of course people were anticipating the Metroid Other M trailer, it’s an already announced game that people are looking forward to!
- At least he had the decency to take the footage from other sites so we didn’t have to see the low quality camera footage.
- Uhhh Chris, the 3DS didn’t come out in stores. How can you review it “in the coming week”? Oh that’s right, you’re an idiot that doesn’t know the difference between a review and a preview. How silly of me to forget that.
- GAH FACE! Seriously that reaction was so fake. Just stop it.
- I’m surprised he didn’t show the army of women each holding a 3DS. Then again, he probably would have forced more of that “Aw yeah this is getting hawt” voice, and I don’t want to hear that.
- Really? Only those two games? What about Skyward Sword, Epic Mickey, Dragon Quest IX, Golden Sun: Dark Dawn, Metroid Other M, Kirby’s Epic Yarn? Once again, it seems like everything he knows about video games comes from Captain N (Donkey Kong was a minor villain, and Samus wasn’t in the show just Mother Brain).

God, I’m going to hate the “reviews” he’ll eventually release.
You know, I just realized why he calls them reviews. When he does Neo reviews, he spends the same amount of time playing those games and still calls it a full review.

Contra Part 2. Later today.


  1. I actually want to know if the Kremlings will reappear in DKCR. They were a more diverse race of enemies. I still can't believe he of all people got tickets to E3.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. @ Shaolin Dave

    That's why he had to shoot his opening in an alleyway and the ending in some random corner. And the reason why he failed at DKR is that he kept looking over his shoulder to be aware of the haters.
    But in reality, I am sure that most people who went doesn't even know who Chris is. Because they don't care.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. He'll likely play his voice over the crowds when he releases his "reviews". That way, any insults heard during the recording will not be heard.

  6. I wonder if any developers turn down his offers for interviews...

  7. The developers probably told Bores that certain sections of E3 were off-limits just so he wouldn't talk about their games.

  8. If I was a developer at E3 I would make sure my set/stage was easy to put up and down like it would only take three seconds both ways. Then when Bores walked up asking to do an interview i would be like "Sorry sir we are packing up and leaving."

  9. I watched his donkey kong country returns and that did it for me, too bored to watch the rest of them, found it funny when he said " it's easy to figure out", unaware that he's playing a demo and thus is going to be playing an easier level, and the guy responds with " well, its going to get quite challenging". I expected a typical Bores response of " Well that sucks!!!"

    He's going to review these games in the near future? Uh oh... Like you say, he's probably played these games for about the same amount of time as he plays the games for his Neo reviews, but still not looking forward to him acting like he knows everything about games that aren't even released yet. Anyway, i'll make a prediction as to what his review will entail

    " Hello guys, I just got back from the private E3 convention, which only guys with my hardcore gaming knowledge got in to, and i gotta tell you, its about time i got some irate gamer claud around here, but it's time for a review of the new immortal kombat * shows the mortal kombat logo, and puts a big green circle around it* * plays the music, MORTAL KOMBAT* .. uh... thanks buddy i just said that

    so, uh, sorry guys but i found this game to be absolutly terrible, im sure there are some diehard immortal kombat fans out there, but after playing this game, im not one of them, first of, isnt kombat spelt with a C... How could they make this mistake, that just dont make no sense at all, what a shit load of more turtles! Secondly, this game had characters not even in the movie!,and there are characters here which are hard to figure out what movie character they come from. Also this game opens up with a flashy intro, and i cant figure out if i should use that as a compliment or an insult, so i'll just alternate in every review. And i only got to fight in 3 battles the whole time i was playing it! What kind of demo is this? Also the controls are terrible, i wont explain that.

    The most shocking thing about this game is what real game reviewe.. i mean, other game reviewers have been saying. They say this game is looking to be mortal kombat finally going back to the style which made it such an incredible game in the past. Am i missing something? I know what im talking about much more than these people and i know it sucks after playing it for 10 minutes... though if they give me money, ill say its the best game ever... come on... I need money to buy a new ghost meter my old one broke... ill give you the chance to win a ps3???

    So anyway, a lot of people went up to me in E3 and said something like this " Chris you silly sausage, you only played the demo version of this game, how can you possibly say your doing a full review of it you silly head, how did you even get invited to e3, stop making videos you avgn rip of... you goober.." Well, um, erm, the good things were hidden, and... um, in fighting games im more of a tekken fan.. oh, wait, um... im more of a streets of rage fighter fan... so until next time, Game on folks!"

  10. Hahaha nice one Irish Anon.
    I liked the "fan letter" where he disguised the obvious profanity with "silly" words.

  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

  12. Or better yet, "silly peanut", since it's the same as a goober.

  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

  14. Heh. Sorry about that 222. Still, it's a point that had to be brought up.

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. “But Diddy Kong isn’t a Mario character”.
    Wait what?!
    Of course Diddy is a Mario character Bores,look it up.

  17. Cousin Joseph With Big Adult LegsJune 26, 2010 at 10:13 AM

    Wait, wait. Donkey Kong is a spin-off of Mario? That's not right. Mario is a spin-off of Donkey Kong! Mario got his own game AFTER Donkey Kong! My whole life is a sham! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

    Seriously, though, good stuff.

  18. @vindew332
    It wasn't Bores that said it, it was one of his idiot fans.

    @Cousin Joseph
    Did Chris tell you to do bad at Ghosts N Goblins on purpose?

  19. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  20. Cousin Joseph With Big Adult LegsJune 27, 2010 at 7:44 PM

    No, I was just so scared of the 8-bit monsters that I killed myself on purpose just so I can get out of there. I think I wet myself on the way out.

    I like games. I don't like wetting myself. Waaahh.

  21. You know how you're always saying that Bores gets his gaming knowledge from Captain N? I believe he gets his facts from ALL DiC cartoons.

    Bowser is called King Koopa, Bores uses the latter.
    Pipes from The Mario world can lead to other locations, such as the 'Real world'. Bores has Luigi appear in his house in his Educational review.
    Eggman is Called Robotnik in the Cartoons, Bores ALWAYS calls him Robotnik.
    Sonic runs really fast in the cartoons, Bores thinks that is what the games are all about, they aren't.
    Mostly brings up Mega Man Kid Icarus and Castlevania in reviews.
    Uses corny Puns that make you facepalm, Bores does the same, but worse.

    I wouldn't be surprised if he reviewed Street Fighter 2, played as Bison and said 'YESH YESH' with bagpipes playing, or made some stupid Cornflakes joke when he sees Sagat. (I know it is a USA network cartoon but Bores probably wouldn't know that)

  22. Actually for the Sonic points, he was called Robotnik during the Genesis days. It wasn't until (I think) Sonic Adventure that they started calling him Eggman.
    Plus there are way too many people out there that think Sonic is only about speed.

    Still, those other points are solid.

  23. Just a note, though this isn't exactly new, Robotnik was called Eggman in Japan from the beginning. Not sure why the changed him name.

    But it pisses me off! His name wasn't Eggman in the movie that Sonic Aventure was based on! So that game sucks. What a waffleload of ass-id dickcoal!

    Good article, anyway, man.

  24. Ohh its really amazing,From the newest game in the Metroid series "METROID: Other M" is best to me, Samus Aran, showing off her beautiful face while wearing her Zero Suit - the outfit she wears while out on missions. Excellent game, that I have collected it from at PIJ.