Before Chris Bores created the Irate Gamer, he created Haunted Investigators. A boring-as-sin ghost hunting show that lasted only 6 episodes and entertained no one. Before that he did some lame MythBusters parodies and that idiotic “Back to the Past” video.
But even before that, Chris Bores was an author.
Last night I got an e-mail from Shaolin Dave, he didn’t believe Bores was a Buddhist so he did some research. He didn’t find a lot of info but he accidentally stumbled across an old Geocities page created by him. What follows is pure hilarity.
I’d like to thank Shaolin Dave for finding this.
Back in 2003, Chris was working on a fantasy story called “The Dark Chapters”. He intended to write a trilogy a/la Lord of the Rings.
Let’s see what was going to go into this aborted project.
“PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A WORLD, UNLIKE ANY OTHER”
What better way to pitch your story than with a generic movie trailer line!
Here’s what he said in the last update.
“Hello all, my book is almost nearing completion. The book itself is pretty much done. Right now I am working on the cover art which should take a few weeks. All in all, it won’t be long now until i ship it off to the publisher’s.”
“In other news,over the next few months, this site will undergo many changes and new links. Many more pictures will be added along with lots of concept art. Oh boy oh boy!”
Hmm, well if it was sent to a publisher then it was most likely rejected. The closest thing “The Dark Chapters” brings up in Wikipedia is a solo album from Michael Romeo, the guitarist of Symphony X (awesome band by the way). My guess is that the publisher took one look and laughed, the same way TV studios saw Chris & Scottie Road Trip and laughed.
These new pictures and links never appeared because this update was 7 years old.
Also, who ends their updates with “Oh boy oh boy”?
There’s also an FAQ, let’s check it out.
“What is Dark Chapters?”
“It is a new Fantasy Trilogy written by me, Chris Bores. The First book in the trilogy will be published very very soon. Hopefully by May.”
*insert book never getting published joke here*
“What is it about?”
“For centuries the world has been protected by a group of sages sworn to protect all of mankind from evil. As these elite group of men inch ever closer to retirement, little do they realize that unfinished business from their past dangerously closes in on them. Panic strikes when an ancient prophecy is set off by someone of great evil who is collecting together four elemental stones that they thought they had erased from human history. With each stone carrying one of the four elemental powers of the Earth, the evil threat grows stronger in power with each new stone he obtains.”
“Oric, the leader of the Sage Circle is forced bring his pupil in training, Chris, into the turmoil and affairs of the group prematurely. Together do they stumble upon information that they would have rather left a secret. This group of unlikely heroes must shatter the bounds of their reality if they are to have any chance of survival. It is a race against time to stop the stones from being united once more into the hands of pure evil.”
Good lord this sounds generic. Ancient evil collecting four MacGuffins that represent the elements of Earth (which are Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water… original). Then a powerful wizard forces his student to take on the evil before evil triumphs.
I imagine if this was published, it would be a bigger train wreck than Eragon. I also imagine it would be just as unoriginal considering Bores’ track record.
Oh, and main character’s name is Chris. This is obviously a self-insert fanfic.
“Why write this story?”
“This story has floating around in my head for nine years. The first draft was created back in 1996. Though, it was nothing like it is today. I feel that my story has evolved to it's full potential and high time to share it with everyone. This book has it all. It involves various religious views (taken from Christian, Buddhism, and pagan beliefs. Wow what a melting pot.), fantasy, plenty of action, compation, romance, and a dash of comedy.”
This sounds like every other fantasy story ever written. I don’t see how this will add anything new to an already overstuffed genre.
“How come your “About the Author” link doesn’t work?”
“I'm sorry. That link will be open after the book is published. I am gonna cheat alittle and just take the about the author section from my book and add it in there. So basically I'll be plagerizing my own work, Don't worry, I won't press charges against myself.”
Hahahaha wow. A young Bores talking about plagiarism, that’s just hilarious.
This is followed by a question asking about other broken links, nothing too bad there. But then…
“Chris, why are you insane?”
“Because all work and no play make Chris a dull boy.”
Good to know that even back then people thought he was insane.
“So tell us about yourself”
“I took many college writing courses at Ashland University which prepared me for this book. I am now a Resident of Sandusky Ohio! I used to live in Huron. I wouldn't bother on looking it up on a map. That town is not worth putting on a map.Why you ask? well because the place is the opposite of Las Vegas. They call Las Vegas the city that never sleeps, well Huron is the city THAT Sleeps! I currently work for the local Post Office”
I thought he went to film school? According to Y2B Productions, he went to Ashland University for Film and Broadcasting. So, either he took both courses, or when writing didn’t work out for him he changed his profession to filmmaking and used the same university. I don’t know.
Who needs maps when we have search engines? We had them back then so it wouldn’t be too much of a problem to find Huron, Ohio.
Below the FAQ is a schedule for when the books will come out. The first book titled “Ritual of the Stones” will be out 2004-2005. The second “Echoes of Evil” has no release date. And the third doesn’t even have a title let alone a release date. Hindsight’s a funny thing isn’t it?
At the bottom of the page are links to some free old school Internet providers… wait what the hell is this? “Borescape 3.0”, “Bores Inside Pentium II”, Boressoft Explorer”? Where’s the joke? He’s just putting his name into popular products. In fact, he still does that with shit like “Irate Mastercard” and “Irate Shady”. Does he really think that’s hilarious?
The “About the Author” and “From Thought to Paper” pages don’t exist so I can’t talk about them. However, there are some image galleries. These pictures prove this really is him and not some unlucky soul with the same name.
Under Photo Gallery are three images (technically four but one of them is broken).
Image 1 is Bores holding his arms out creating a rainbow. Oh God really? I don’t like making gay jokes, it’s a low form of comedy. But this isn’t helping.
Image 2 is set in a cathedral with Bores fighting himself using DBZ style beams. Even back then he overused bad beam effects.
Image 3 is a Got Milk parody with one of his school photos. I can tell it’s a school photo from the background. I can’t read the text because the image is way too small. Moving on.
The image gallery “4 Elements” explains what the four elements of this story are.
Image 1: Earth
Chris imposed in front of a forest while he sprays green fire from his hands. I don’t think that was supposed to be fire.
Image 2: Water
Chris imposed in front of an ocean as he holds the blue light from K-Mart. Oh wait that’s supposed to be water. Is he not wearing a shirt?
Image 3: Fire
Where is he? I see a moon, a candle, and a bunch of jet plumes. I guess he’s supposed to be spraying fire?
Image 4: Wind
Because nothing says wind like yellow gas and purple lightning. I suddenly have the urge to go watch Avatar: The Last Airbender.
I’m not sure how these are pictures are important considering he’s writing a book. I guess just showing the elements by themselves would be silly.
There’s also a page called “Tick me off’s” which includes a list of things that bother him. Since he wrote in small text “not made by me” then I have no reason to cover it.
Finally a page of websites he recommends. These include two unarchived Geocities pages, Bible Inconsistencies, a list from Rolling Stone written by Tom Petty that no longer works, and iUniverse the publisher that Bores was going to use.
Here’s the Wiki on iUniverse, that way you’ll see this book would have never sold even if it was published: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IUniverse
I guess that makes the "publishers laughing at it" joke moot.
So, that’s the entire website. Bores’ book remains unpublished and stuck in purgatory. From what we’ve read about it, that’s likely a very good idea.
Thankfully, Bores can’t take this site down. Reocities has archived it since Geocities died, and since it’s dead he won’t be able to access it.
That’s all for now folks, see you all later.