Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Dark Chapters! Bores' Attempt at Published Writing

Before Chris Bores created the Irate Gamer, he created Haunted Investigators. A boring-as-sin ghost hunting show that lasted only 6 episodes and entertained no one. Before that he did some lame MythBusters parodies and that idiotic “Back to the Past” video.

But even before that, Chris Bores was an author.
Last night I got an e-mail from Shaolin Dave, he didn’t believe Bores was a Buddhist so he did some research. He didn’t find a lot of info but he accidentally stumbled across an old Geocities page created by him. What follows is pure hilarity.

I’d like to thank Shaolin Dave for finding this.

Back in 2003, Chris was working on a fantasy story called “The Dark Chapters”. He intended to write a trilogy a/la Lord of the Rings.
Let’s see what was going to go into this aborted project.

http://reocities.com/Athens/Academy/3491/

“PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A WORLD, UNLIKE ANY OTHER”
What better way to pitch your story than with a generic movie trailer line!

Here’s what he said in the last update.
“Hello all, my book is almost nearing completion. The book itself is pretty much done. Right now I am working on the cover art which should take a few weeks. All in all, it won’t be long now until i ship it off to the publisher’s.”

“In other news,over the next few months, this site will undergo many changes and new links. Many more pictures will be added along with lots of concept art. Oh boy oh boy!”

Hmm, well if it was sent to a publisher then it was most likely rejected. The closest thing “The Dark Chapters” brings up in Wikipedia is a solo album from Michael Romeo, the guitarist of Symphony X (awesome band by the way). My guess is that the publisher took one look and laughed, the same way TV studios saw Chris & Scottie Road Trip and laughed.
These new pictures and links never appeared because this update was 7 years old.
Also, who ends their updates with “Oh boy oh boy”?

There’s also an FAQ, let’s check it out.

“What is Dark Chapters?”
“It is a new Fantasy Trilogy written by me, Chris Bores. The First book in the trilogy will be published very very soon. Hopefully by May.”

*insert book never getting published joke here*

“What is it about?”
“For centuries the world has been protected by a group of sages sworn to protect all of mankind from evil. As these elite group of men inch ever closer to retirement, little do they realize that unfinished business from their past dangerously closes in on them. Panic strikes when an ancient prophecy is set off by someone of great evil who is collecting together four elemental stones that they thought they had erased from human history. With each stone carrying one of the four elemental powers of the Earth, the evil threat grows stronger in power with each new stone he obtains.”

“Oric, the leader of the Sage Circle is forced bring his pupil in training, Chris, into the turmoil and affairs of the group prematurely. Together do they stumble upon information that they would have rather left a secret. This group of unlikely heroes must shatter the bounds of their reality if they are to have any chance of survival. It is a race against time to stop the stones from being united once more into the hands of pure evil.”

Good lord this sounds generic. Ancient evil collecting four MacGuffins that represent the elements of Earth (which are Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water… original). Then a powerful wizard forces his student to take on the evil before evil triumphs.
I imagine if this was published, it would be a bigger train wreck than Eragon. I also imagine it would be just as unoriginal considering Bores’ track record.

Oh, and main character’s name is Chris. This is obviously a self-insert fanfic.

“Why write this story?”
“This story has floating around in my head for nine years. The first draft was created back in 1996. Though, it was nothing like it is today. I feel that my story has evolved to it's full potential and high time to share it with everyone. This book has it all. It involves various religious views (taken from Christian, Buddhism, and pagan beliefs. Wow what a melting pot.), fantasy, plenty of action, compation, romance, and a dash of comedy.”

This sounds like every other fantasy story ever written. I don’t see how this will add anything new to an already overstuffed genre.
What’s “compation”?

“How come your “About the Author” link doesn’t work?”
“I'm sorry. That link will be open after the book is published. I am gonna cheat alittle and just take the about the author section from my book and add it in there. So basically I'll be plagerizing my own work, Don't worry, I won't press charges against myself.”

Hahahaha wow. A young Bores talking about plagiarism, that’s just hilarious.

This is followed by a question asking about other broken links, nothing too bad there. But then…

“Chris, why are you insane?”
“Because all work and no play make Chris a dull boy.”

Good to know that even back then people thought he was insane.

“So tell us about yourself”
“I took many college writing courses at Ashland University which prepared me for this book. I am now a Resident of Sandusky Ohio! I used to live in Huron. I wouldn't bother on looking it up on a map. That town is not worth putting on a map.Why you ask? well because the place is the opposite of Las Vegas. They call Las Vegas the city that never sleeps, well Huron is the city THAT Sleeps! I currently work for the local Post Office”

I thought he went to film school? According to Y2B Productions, he went to Ashland University for Film and Broadcasting. So, either he took both courses, or when writing didn’t work out for him he changed his profession to filmmaking and used the same university. I don’t know.

Who needs maps when we have search engines? We had them back then so it wouldn’t be too much of a problem to find Huron, Ohio.

Below the FAQ is a schedule for when the books will come out. The first book titled “Ritual of the Stones” will be out 2004-2005. The second “Echoes of Evil” has no release date. And the third doesn’t even have a title let alone a release date. Hindsight’s a funny thing isn’t it?
At the bottom of the page are links to some free old school Internet providers… wait what the hell is this? “Borescape 3.0”, “Bores Inside Pentium II”, Boressoft Explorer”? Where’s the joke? He’s just putting his name into popular products. In fact, he still does that with shit like “Irate Mastercard” and “Irate Shady”. Does he really think that’s hilarious?

The “About the Author” and “From Thought to Paper” pages don’t exist so I can’t talk about them. However, there are some image galleries. These pictures prove this really is him and not some unlucky soul with the same name.

Under Photo Gallery are three images (technically four but one of them is broken).

Image 1 is Bores holding his arms out creating a rainbow. Oh God really? I don’t like making gay jokes, it’s a low form of comedy. But this isn’t helping.

Image 2 is set in a cathedral with Bores fighting himself using DBZ style beams. Even back then he overused bad beam effects.

Image 3 is a Got Milk parody with one of his school photos. I can tell it’s a school photo from the background. I can’t read the text because the image is way too small. Moving on.

The image gallery “4 Elements” explains what the four elements of this story are.

Image 1: Earth
Chris imposed in front of a forest while he sprays green fire from his hands. I don’t think that was supposed to be fire.

Image 2: Water
Chris imposed in front of an ocean as he holds the blue light from K-Mart. Oh wait that’s supposed to be water. Is he not wearing a shirt?

Image 3: Fire
Where is he? I see a moon, a candle, and a bunch of jet plumes. I guess he’s supposed to be spraying fire?

Image 4: Wind
Because nothing says wind like yellow gas and purple lightning. I suddenly have the urge to go watch Avatar: The Last Airbender.

I’m not sure how these are pictures are important considering he’s writing a book. I guess just showing the elements by themselves would be silly.
There’s also a page called “Tick me off’s” which includes a list of things that bother him. Since he wrote in small text “not made by me” then I have no reason to cover it.
Finally a page of websites he recommends. These include two unarchived Geocities pages, Bible Inconsistencies, a list from Rolling Stone written by Tom Petty that no longer works, and iUniverse the publisher that Bores was going to use.
Here’s the Wiki on iUniverse, that way you’ll see this book would have never sold even if it was published: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IUniverse
I guess that makes the "publishers laughing at it" joke moot.

So, that’s the entire website. Bores’ book remains unpublished and stuck in purgatory. From what we’ve read about it, that’s likely a very good idea.
Thankfully, Bores can’t take this site down. Reocities has archived it since Geocities died, and since it’s dead he won’t be able to access it.

That’s all for now folks, see you all later.

50 comments:

  1. Read the guestbook, it's really bizarre.

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  2. Sheesh, to think he was even MORE pathetic than he is now.

    Good thing GeoCities shut down then, otherwise he would've deleted that page before he really became infamous.

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  3. The guest book, checking it out per Jon's suggestion, has a comment from our old friend Alan Cicco, but more importantly, from Bores's mother.

    "Hey son, it's me again, your mother!
    Geez i sure do hope your book is a best seller cuz i sure am looking forward to that 25 room house near the ocean w/that mercedes benz sitting in my 5 car garage that i'm sure you'll feel obligated to buy me with all your big $
    rollin' in ... but no pressure son, i know your workin very hard day and night
    but do you think you can go alittle faster cuz i really do need a vacation in rome soon? All my Love, Momma'z!
    p.s.) remember to floss ... (hehe)"

    What's sad is that Bores was 22 at the time of this message.

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  4. In the interest of parallel lives and full disclosure, I too have self-published books that I wrote as a teenager.

    The difference is that now that I'm older, I recognize that I was a crappy writer (some would say I still am).

    And I too used iUniverse for the first two books, primarily because when I was younger and stupider, I didn't really understand self-publishing or that there were other companies that offered self-publishing services. To me, this was the only company that did such a thing.

    Which reminds me, at some point I need to actually pull those books off the market, because it's kind of embarrassing for me seeing where I went from to where I am now... though what does make me giggle is the fact that when we first met for filming the Brawl, MarzGurl actually did have a copy of the first book I had written and has me sign it. That still makes me laugh. XD

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  5. And oh yes, I too used the dreaded "put your own name in for the main character" thing. Ironically, though, the books are the source of the name "Linkara."


    Hmmm... I wonder if my old AngelFire Pokémon RPG still exists... *Descends into nostalgic flashback.*

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  6. @Zinger314
    His mother seems disconnected from reality. I can understand supporting him to the publishing stage, but thinking that far ahead... jeez.

    @Linkara
    As crappy as your books might be (I haven't read them, I'm going by your word) at least they reached the publishing stage. I searched your name and found the two Angel Armor books, I searched Bores and found nothing.

    At least your story lines are good, so good that Bores has to steal them.

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  7. "As crappy as your books might be (I haven't read them, I'm going by your word) at least they reached the publishing stage. I searched your name and found the two Angel Armor books, I searched Bores and found nothing.

    At least your story lines are good, so good that Bores has to steal them."

    Three, actually. The third one is on Lulu.com. I actually consider the third to be decent, but only because I wrote it at 18-19, edited the thing, and by then I had improved at least a little.

    What gets me about Shadow Bores is that he didn't even put on a costume for the silhouette bits - that's clearly just a flippin' t-shirt. If this is supposed to be some sort of dark overlord that's going to appear at some point in the flesh, you still need to give the impression that there's SOMETHING there.

    Take Lord Vyce, for instance. By the Ewoks #9 review, the only part of the costume that was done was the glove. That shot at the end? I'm in a black sweatshirt while I was filming that, but I framed it in a way so that the focus was on the big demonic glove and not on what was in the background. And as Wil Wheaton was once told, "If the audience is paying more attention to what's happening in the background than on the actors, then the actors are doing something wrong."

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  8. This just in: Bores made another update on his site!

    He's apparently going to review Kirby's Epic Yarn after he releases the next HoVG episode which he says will be released just before Christmas (at least a week after the holidays considering his laziness).

    He also announced that he IS working on a second DVD after all:

    "After the next review I'll be taking a small break to work on the IG dvd's then I'll be back to work on the next chapter in the Irate Gamer Show story."

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  9. @zonic94

    At least the next DVD won't have copyright footage. If the "Predator" review is in this one, I have a feeling Bores might remove wizwar's "Fist of Fury" joke, since he got called out for this one.

    And I'm surprised CNBC hasn't found out about that stolen footage on Bores's 3rd HoVG yet.

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  10. @Linkara
    You would think he'd add something like horns or a cape. Something that wouldn't make us think it's yet another clone of him.

    About that quote, that might be why Bores stuffs so much crap into frame. All the posters, the homemade sprites, the energy drinks.
    Actually, that's probably so he can continue casting the illusion that he's really a gamer.

    @zonic94
    Oh dear, I expect nothing short of failure from the Kirby's Epic Yarn video. He better not complain about it being easy, it will make him an even bigger hypocrite.

    So he is working on the DVD. Only took two years going by annual releases.

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  11. The idea of a story that simultaneously rips off Lord of the Rings / Legend of Zelda / Avatar: The Last Airbender / Dragonball, written by Chris Bores and starring Chris Bores... I'm urged to make a video game based off this... too bad we'll never see the source material.

    The site is hilarious though, especially the pictures.

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  12. I doubt that book will ever be released.

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  13. @Shaolin Dave
    Replace Avatar: The Last Airbender with the first Final Fantasy and we're good (A:TLA wasn't out back then).

    Thanks for the link.

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  14. @ BatDan

    You're welcome for the link.

    Also, I stand corrected. I thought that Avatar: The Last Airbender started airing around 2002-2003, turns out it began in 2005. So, yeah, Final Fantasy 1, or any of the dozens of stories that use the "elements cliche". Maybe he was ripping off Captain Planet or The Fifth Element? Maybe the big shocker in the third book would be discovery of the "heart" element?

    @ Blaze

    I doubt it'll be released as well. Nowadays Bores could self-publish very easily nowadays. Maybe he's looked back on his work and decided it's not that good. Maybe he's too lazy. Maybe he's content being the Irate Gamer now. Most likely I'd say that he just lost his files and the book doesn't exist anymore.

    @ Lewis

    I'm trying to buy your book on Lulu now. The site keeps messing up but hopefully I'll get it tonight.

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  15. @batdan Yes I agree myself. If his comment on his donkey kong video didnt already prove as a foreshadow for a pre destined failure of a review then I dont know what it would be. God unless you're an complete worshipper of bores or get turned off by the games cutey style or not being able to die, this video is destined to be a new asshole waiting to get ripped for bores. This is gonna be too good I tell you. TOO damn good.

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  16. holy goddamn, the more we dig about bores, the more evidence we got :P

    BTW Dan, out of curiosity, can you explain why gay jokes are low form of comedy, i dont like them either but just for context to know if there could be a line between hilarious to hatefully homophobic.

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  17. I managed to make out most of that small text on the milk picture.

    "Paid for the foundation of the bores representives by (looks like one or more words are cut off the edge here) sponser of the milk foundation"

    Representives? Sponser? And shouldn't it be "paid for by"? Ugh.

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  18. I don't know that I condemn Bores for naming the character after himself in an early, failed literary project. When I started writing short stories a couple of the protagonists were named after me, and some of the others had what I considered my best traits.

    Of course one of the signs of becoming a good writer is learning to stop doing that.

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  19. @Gatuca

    Gay jokes are the same as when writers use rape of a woman as a plot device, its low, shallow and poor attempt at literature.

    If you use this, then you have no respect for you own work nor respect the characters and story that you create.

    Thats how I see it anyway. Not sure about Batdan

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  20. Wait, how is rape a low form of plot device?

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  21. To me, calling something "gay" without merit is a sign of immaturity and a lack of wit. I don't see it as similar to "rape as drama".
    However, making gay jokes is okay if the material calls for it. Like He-Man, anything with Harvey Fierstein, or anything similar like that.

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  22. @fattoler

    I believe Monticrystal means when rape is thrown in as something to make a character seem vile, but not shown to be something that's horrific and scarring to its victim. I've got nothing wrong with it as a plot device, as long as it's given the proper significance, meaning that it's shown to be a horrible act with damaging consequences. Rather than simply "you're not supposed to like this guy, look he raped someone." It isn't something to be included lightly.

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  23. ok, now that my question was answered, thanks dan, i think we should move on from that topic and return to the original issue in hands, you know, for avoiding drama

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  24. @starofjustice

    Well... couldn't the same thing be said for murder/genocide/manslaughter?

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  25. So let me get this straight, Bores tried to write a novel...is there a anything he won't do to try and get accepted and praised because now that I think about it it seems to me everything Bores has done I think is for that reason if we look beyond the plagirism and such. I honestly think that deep down Bores wants to do something that gets him success and it seems Irate Gamer managed to achieve that somewhat...am I crazy for thinking this?

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  26. @fattoler

    Yes, but rape gets an especially sharp reaction from most people.

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  27. Ask a psychologist, man. I just review Twilight.

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  28. After reading the synopsis of Bores' epic and I have to say I don't have a problem with the four elemental crysals plot, as long as the characters were interesting... but seeing the Bores track record with creating characters... ughh... oh boy, oh boy.

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  29. The problem with the elemental crystals plot is that it's generic. It's something you write into a story when you're learning to write as a child, not when you're trying to sell something as an adult.

    I was thinking earlier, maybe it would have been better if the publishers had accepted him? Because they rejected him, he moved on and eventually became the Irate Gamer.

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  30. Oh lord. It's the Soulja Boy Anime all over again. To paraphrase Y Ruler of Time:

    "Congratulations Bores, you have just discovered self insert Fanfiction. Most do that when they are twelve"

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  31. @Shaolin Dave

    I bet the main reason why the publishers didn't accept him is because of his poor english and spelling skills. I mean publishers are very strict with this kind of stuff.

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  32. @ vicviper

    Naturally, his english skills are pretty bad today, so 7-8 years ago I imagine he was pretty bad as well.
    I'm not saying that I think he should have gotten published, I just would've preferred that outcome to the existence of the Irate Gamer.

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  33. I find it hard to comprehend that Bores would try his hand in writing. Then again, this was several years ago. I'm surprised that everyone is saying that they're glad it wasn't published. If it had, then perhaps he never would have turned to the Irategamer to achieve fame.

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  34. If this was published, the difference is that he would be an unknown hack rather than a well-known hack.

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  35. Can't you just see it, though?

    "Chris was immensely fustrated by this development. Despite his rockin' magic powers his emenies managed to escape with the fire crystal."

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  36. @ starofjustice

    "this caused chris to get nervous, and could really mess him up."

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  37. To me, "The Dark Chapters" doesn't look all that interesting to me. Like you said BatDan, it just seems like every other epic-fantasy adventure series out there, but with himself cast as the main protagonist.

    I wonder what would happen if someone PM'd him this information or bring it up in the comments.

    BTW, it's cool that you have Linkara reading your blog!

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  38. New York City = City That Never Sleeps
    Las Vegas = Sin City

    Idiot...

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  39. What is it with the Bores and sages?

    I also laughed at the imagination of that fat ass in a robe saving the world from evil with his kamehameha blasts.

    God!

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  40. @SpaceScreaminJohn

    Maybe we'd get another of those hilarious "Bores owns a hater" posts.

    This guy is truly the Stephenie Meyer of game reviewers. Both think five minutes on Google = research, have egos the size of the Goodyear blimp, and are completely deaf to criticism.

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  41. Actually, Jacob9k1/Retard Gamer PM'd him with one of his troll accounts, asking if it's coming along.
    His response "its a slow process".

    I think he's lying again. Like in 2009 when he said he hasn't watched the AVGN in two years, yet has knowledge of two videos that came out in 2008. Oops.

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  42. @Batdan

    True... I thinking about it, he may have been the next Twilight... and god knows that we wouldn't want that.

    @Lewis Lovhaug

    Ah, Linkara. To what do we owe this previlege?

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  43. Hey BatDan, whatever happened to that post where Bores and some guy named Bumble were exchanging messages through Youtube, which in the end just made Bores seem like an even bigger asshole?

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  44. @Jaguar9400
    I deleted it a while back along with a few other posts.
    I'm not sure if I'll redo it since it caused too many problems before.

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  45. Wait... Bores holding his arms out to create a rainbow makes me want to do a joke about LJN more than homosexuality.

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  46. The poses in his fire and wind elemental pictures indicate autism or some other mental disorder. I should know; I have Asperger's and have done a lot of research in the field of autism and certainly awkward body posture is a big indicator - and Chris shows it off there. Actually he has a lot of things in common with Chris-chan (of Sonichu fame): odd capitalization, immaturity in dealing with haters/trolls, laziness and the hopes it'll please his fans, being mistaken in the true number of fans he has, egotism, belief that his viewpoint is the true one and he can change reality to reflect that (sega genesis being released after the super nintendo, history of video games and baer's response, all the times he's edited the game to make a complaint about something that isn't really there), among other things I may have missed - the only ig vids i've watched are kirby's epic yarn and aladdin but i've read this whole blog. Maybe that's why LadyBuggin is so quick to defend him: she knows he's not right in the head but he doesn't know (maybe he's never been officially diagnosed or maybe she didn't tell him) and all she can do is defend him without giving away why. Doesn't prove he has any issue, but those pictures really just screamed "Something's wrong here!", and a 'something' with which I'm very much familiar from pictures of myself and others I know with similar issues. Doesn't excuse his behavior, of course, but may explain it.

    Late comment is late, but I figured I may as well throw it out there.

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  47. And one more similarity to Chris-chan - thinking he can make money off his shitty unoriginal rip-off media despite having no talent whatsoever!

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  48. I wonder if the Wise Sage is leftover from his book(s),

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