Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Turkey of a Donkey Kong Review

So, Donkey Kong Country. Graphically innovative and simple to play, spawning two sequels on the SNES and a crazy collect-a-thon on the N64. When Nintendo dropped Rare, the ape went into a rut that has been fixed by Metroid Prime developer Retro Studios. Donkey Kong Country Returns is a critical hit.

So let’s watch IG gush about it and once again forget his character is supposed to be angry about things.

Before I watch the video, I’d like to commend Bores for releasing this video three days after the game came out. Yeah I was surprised to, considering that he often reviews modern games months after they come out. All three games in the 3-in-1 review were released in 2009, and the video came out May 2010.
However, this is an obvious sign that he didn’t actually beat the game. There’s another obvious one but I’ll point that out when we get there.

Video link (thanks to starofjustice for reminding me): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JFuCZ6b7ok

0:01 - 0:16: “Happy Thanksgiving gamers!” GAH! Jeez, warn someone before you do that.
So yeah this is a special Thanksgiving video, to emphasize this there’s turkey sound effects playing. Along with a turkey appearing on the logo card. I can tell this video is going to be a real turkey.

0:17 - 0:30: “Ever since I played Donkey Kong Country Returns at E3...” We get it, you went to E3! Stop reminding us!
“Of course a game like this has a lot of expectations to live up to” I doubt people were too worried, Retro Studios hasn’t disappointed us yet.

0:31 - 0:40: “This game isn’t a bunch of bananas” As he says this a large pile of bananas falls on him. That was atrociously unfunny. How much you want to bet he’s going to do it again?

0:41 -1:00: “This fresh installment brings back everything you loved about the past installments…” This annoying redundancy is annoying and redundant.
He then explains the story without telling us the villains names. Even if they weren’t given the name in the opening, I’m sure you could open the manual and find it. Oh wait, he doesn’t read about the game HE JUST GOTTA PLAY IT!

1:01 - 1:21: Chris starts talking about the graphics in the levels, bringing up a level with a shadow motif.
“And a few of them really make a neat artistic statement”. That’s not what “artistic statement” means! It’s just a cool-looking level. An artistic statement (or artist’s statement) is a written document that explains the nature of their work. I doubt that level gives an insight into Miyamoto’s subconscious.

He also brings up how there’s remixed music from the original games. So what? Nintendo does that all the time, Kirby’s Epic Yarn was full of classic Kirby songs along with plenty of new material.

1:22 - 1:31: Chris starts talking about the gameplay, and how it stays close to the original but also adds well-deserved upgrades. Once again, Chris misuses the word “well-deserved”



1:31 - 1:50: Here Bores brings up DK’s new attacks.
“Like the ground pound” DK has always been able to do that. It just wasn’t used that much.
“And Diddy’s jetpack” Diddy’s jetpack isn’t new either. He’s had that since DK64. It’s amazing how he claims to be a fan of something yet he gets so many basic facts wrong.
He also shows off the Rocket Barrel and promptly dies. Forgetting he’s supposed to be “Irate” he just lets out a simple “oops”.

1:51 - 2:15: He starts complaining that in single-player you can only play as Donkey Kong, you can no longer tag to play as Diddy and he’s only available in co-op. Just more incentive for you to get a friend to play.
Hello footage that obviously isn’t yours.
But he says that after a while we won’t notice. Then why did you bring it up? This isn’t an issue like jerky controls or annoying sound effects that take getting used to.

2:16 - 2:42: Bores brings up elements from the original like riding animals, hidden areas, the KONG letters, and Cranky Kong. However he’s upset that Cranky isn’t an asshole. Really, because I heard he’s even crankier than before. Like if you buy a health upgrade he’ll berate you for wanting more health.
He then calls him a “damn dirty ape”. Yes I’m sure your 11 year old fans will get this joke.

2:43 - 2:49: We cut to Chris laughing at his own reference (always the sign of a great comedian) as a second pile of bananas falls on him. I knew it. Well, since he’s used it twice I guarantee he’ll use it a third time. He’s that predictable.

2:50 - 3:03: “Another thing I like about this game is that it’s not too easy, but not too hard either” Wait what?
This game wasn’t too hard? Now I know you barely played through the game. Everyone I talk to says this game is insanely difficult, like “World 9 of NSMB Wii” hard. Clearly you only played a few levels because you wouldn’t be saying “not too hard” if you actually played through the later worlds.

UPDATE: According to reader jodanranger, when the video came out Chris left a comment saying he only played for half an hour. It's since been deleted though.

3:04 - 3:20: “There aren’t many games for the Wii that I can say are a must-have”
*sighs* Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2, Madworld, Muramasa, House of the Dead Overkill, Metroid Prime 3, Metroid Prime Trilogy, Kirby’s Epic Yarn, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Sonic Colors, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Mario Kart Wii, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Castlevania the Adventure Rebirth, Contra Rebirth, Final Fantasy IV The After Years, Mega Man 9 & 10, Resident Evil 4 Wii Editon, Sin & Punishment 1 & 2, multiple Virtual Console titles, Zack & Wiki, need I go on?

Other suggestions from my readers:
No More Heroes 1 & 2, Dokapon Kingdom, Monster Hunter Tri, Punch-Out, Dead Space: Extraction, Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort, Epic Mickey, Little King's Story

He says this is one he can recommend and it’s “refreshing” (huh?) to play it after Kirby’s Epic Yarn which he then calls a let-down.
Why do you hate Kirby’s Epic Yarn? No seriously, why do you hate it? I thought it would be perfect for you since you literally can’t die in this game, and I know how much you hate difficulty of any sort.
Is it because you can’t eat enemies? That shouldn’t matter, it’s still a great game.
Strange how you expressed dislike for the newest Kirby game when you prominently display a Kirby plushie in your room.

So the video ends with Bores saying this game is worth the money. At least he didn’t use a bad pun.
As he closes out, a third pile of bananas is about to fall on him but he escapes in time. Gee, I wonder if another pile will fall on him as he brags about getting away. *this happens* God damn it Bores…

This video was stupid. Yeah, I gave him credit for releasing the video shortly after the game came out, but that shows he didn’t care enough to play through enough of the game. Plus, it’s kind of obvious when he said it’s “not too hard”.

So, what’s next? I guess the return of Redux Recaps until Bores releases something else. Knowing him that won’t be for a while.

41 comments:

  1. Great redux. Seriously he says Kirbys epic yarn disapointed him.....and pretty much assumed he did need to explain why he hated it. I played the game and I can say that after so many years of waiting for the next installment on a console, It didnt disapoint me in the slightest. In fact it exceeded my expectations. Even if you cant die its still quite a challenge getting 100% on all levels. One wrong move and you can screw up the gold medal you were close to getting or if you arent looking hard enough you'll have to make some do overs for that hidden furniture. Bottom-line is I loved the game and if bores is gonna say it disapointed, he'd damn well be explain why it did in his eyes.

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  2. Oh and you forgot no more heroes 1+2 Batdan. The novelty of those games alone makes them worth the buy for the wii

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  3. I actually read a comment when this was released from Chris HIMSELF, saying that he had only played for half an hour. HE's deleted the comment though.

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  4. I think I will also add to the list of good Wii games! How about Dokapon Kingdom? That game is really fun with friends. combining Mario Party with RPGs, this game is defiantly a purchase.

    Anyway, good recap Dan.
    Until next time everyone

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  5. @Motherplayer
    D'oh I knew I forgot those two. No More Heroes 1 & 2 are amazing, definitely worth getting.
    Kirby's Epic Yarn was brilliant, it's so charming that it's near-impossible to hate.

    Also, this isn't a redux. It's all new.

    @jodanranger
    Hahaha wow. Figures that he deleted the comment, it would only be more fuel for his detractors.

    @Darthgamer
    Hmm, sounds interesting. I'll give it a rent.

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  6. I would pay real money to see the Irate Gamer play Battle Kid: Fortress of Peril. I think his head would explode from the game's difficulty.

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  7. "So, what’s next? I guess the return of Redux Recaps until Bores releases something else. Knowing him that won’t be for a while."

    I think you should redo irategamer's predator review next. You skipped a lot of the video in your original article.

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  8. No Monster Hunter Tri love?

    Epic Yarn is great, and the story is told in a very fairy tale way. Its like when someone told be bed times stories when I was a kid. The game makes me feel young again, and not many games do that.

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  9. Hey Dan, what do you think about Shantae Risky's Revenge, (the sequel of the cult-following Shantae on GBC), also on the Wii.

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  10. How much you wanna bet that he's gonna do a review on Kirby's Epic Yarn, and fail at it (like he does everytime)?

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  11. Wow that falling bananas gag wasn't funny the first time, why the need to do it two more times. Dan not to nit-pick but you forgot Punch-Out!!,Dead Space: Extraction, Wii Sports, and Wii Sports Resort (and you might as well add Epic Micky to that list). In fact I think Nintendo has the best exclusive titles, although suffer with the lack of 3rd party titles like Batman: Arkham Asylum and Assassins Creed.

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  12. @Gatuca
    I can't judge a game that doesn't exist. Risky Revenge is downloadable through DSiWare, it's not on the Wii.

    @Monticrystal and joncat501
    I know there's a lot of Wii games I forgot, like Little King's Story, but I think you got the gist of it.

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  13. I was really surprised at how great this game was well received (I haven't played it yet). But yeah up until now I haven't really enjoyed any new DK game Paon made. Retro Studios has done it again.

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  14. Just when I thought Chris had kicked it up a notch, Batdan brings him right back down. Wow, I can't believe it, I really can't believe it, he really is still just as bad as always.

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  15. It's pretty sad to think that I actually knew he was going to use a "stuff falling from the sky" gag just from observing the obvious camera angle he was shot at.

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  16. Nice observation, BatDan.

    I have a question though. I have the GBA version of Donkey Kong Country 2 and I didn't like it all too much. The jumping seemed off and you can fall through the platforms and crocodiles.

    I am wondering if the SNES version is far superior or not, just so I can give it a try.

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  17. @zonic94
    At least the angle wasn't as obvious as the Tetris video, still it is noticeable.

    @SpaceScreaminJohn
    The SNES version is definitely better. If you don't have a Super Nintendo then it's on the Virtual Console.

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  18. aaaaaah DKC2, really good times, one of the few games i rented more than once, the other ones beign Super Mario RPG and Little Nemo the Dream Master on the NES.

    and yes the GBA port seemed off, not bad either, but i remmeber reading that the GBA could handle perfect SNES ports, what a lie, specially if you ever played the GBA port of Earthworm Jim...............yuuuuck

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  19. Reguardless to the fact GBA ports may have missed their marks, I wish Nintendo would have made more... like NES' Mega Man, Punch-Out, and Castlevania 3 and 4.

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  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  21. Batdan, didn't you start putting links to the video being reviewed in these recaps? Because I don't see the one for this video.

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  22. Hey there BatDan. Long time reader, first time speaker. I was a former fan of the irategamer (yes, I am ashamed) and I'm glad to see a legitimate gamer rip him a new asshole. Keep up the good work dude.

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  23. @starofjustice
    Thanks for reminding me. It's up now.

    @VinceThePhilosopher
    Thanks.

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  24. Hey BatDan,

    I really love this blog. It's a well-written and thoroughly deserved trashing of a guy who gives the industry a bad name.

    Also, not sure if it helps our argument, but I'm a 17-year-old gamer and, though I'm not one to pimp my own stuff that much, if you pop over to my blog I thunk you'll find my writing, speaking, video editing and deadline keeping skills are at least a little bit better than those of Bores.

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  25. Kirby's Epic Yarn is awesome, and the Irate Gamer isn't. Well, if I can't make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, at least I can get past the first level of Contra without dying.

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  26. Speaking for myself, when I was a fan of Bores I never once thought he was humorous. I was a casual gamer so I couldn't really see why people got so upset with him. As I got older and I was introduced to greater reviewers like Armake21 and Urinatingtree, I began to doubt irategamer's gaming skills and entertainment value. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was his SMB2 "review". I'm still a relatively casual gamer (in other words I'm not an expert on games but I'm excellent at playing them) but I have a higher taste for quality. I don't know much about new game systems being that I don't have enough money to purchase any of them. That said, even I, someone with little to no experience in playing new age games, am more intelligent then Bores.

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  27. I pose a question to anyone who wants to answer. Now, I've seen a couple of people criticizing Bores for being a Buddhist. I'm not saying that I'm one myself but if that is the faith that he chooses for himself, why is that a problem? (just saying)

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  28. @The Neutral Party
    This might just be a stereotype, but doesn't Buddhism follow honesty and good virtue?
    Considering how often Bores tells lies, people often take note of that and how it goes against his beliefs.

    I say "ignore it". His religion has nothing to do with it.

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  29. @BatDan
    Oh okay. I was a little confused about that. Thanks for responding.

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  30. @Batdan
    That the main point but all religion follows that doesn't it? lol
    Buddhism is more about karma and reincarnation and trying to achieve nirvana aka Enlightenment.
    btw he is only a buddhist probably because of his friend the "Buddhist priest" Alan Cicco...

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  31. @Frustrated_Azin
    Fair point.
    How come Bores hasn't put Alan Cicco in any of his IG videos? You'd think with all the characters he creates he'd give him a role. I guess Alan only agreed to do the stupid ghost-hunting show and not the idiotic video game review show.

    By the way, Bores said the next History of Lies will cover 1975-76. I checked Wikipedia and the only video game related things that came out were Pong consoles like Sears Telegames Pong, Coleco Telstar and WAIT A MINUTE!
    http://www.gametrailers.com/video/angry-video-screwattack/62615

    God damn it...

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  32. oh dear, Ape Molester with Flu face is at it again :P.

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  33. @BatDan

    Hmmph. If you were to ask Bores if he knew what the Eightfold Path was he'd probably think you were talking about rehab.

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  34. "He starts complaining that in single-player you can only play as Donkey Kong, you can no longer tag to play as Diddy and he’s only available in co-op. Just more incentive for you to get a friend to play."

    In all fairness though, that IS a complaint that I have seen pop up alot, and it does seem legitimate enough as one.

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  35. Really?

    Huh, if I do hear the same complaint it's often not a main point. I guess the problem comes from Bores making his videos so damn short and bringing up very few points.

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  36. Brawl?

    I mean, I agree with you when you say it's a must have, but I seem to remember you calling it 'mediocre' in your breakdown of the Irate Gamer Neo review of it. What made you change your mind?

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  37. @mrwillbill
    I guess I've learned that there's far worse things you can do a beloved franchise than a contrived story-mode, multiple clones, and bad online.

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  38. The statement about him playing DKCR for only half an hour is wrong. That comment was actually about Kirby's Epic Yarn because somebody asked him why he disliked it. His reply: "@shadowmariogalaxy64 Well i'm only a half hour into it so maybe my opinion will change."

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  39. @h.k.m.
    Ohhhh.

    Well, it's still fairly obvious that he didn't play through a lot of DKCR going by that "not too hard" statement.

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  40. @BatDan
    Yes, I know.
    That's the magic of Irate Gamer: he can "review" games he hasn't even played. (see E3)
    I assume he thinks that makes up for his always late reviews on IG Neo.

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  41. Hey BatDan, have you seen the Wiiviewr's review of Dk returns. Yeah, it's so much better Irate's review.

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