Last month, in my RoboCop recap, I said “why does Bores bother to advertise I Rate the 80’s? He hasn’t made a new one in a year.” Well surprise surprise, an all new “Breakfast Rant 2.0”.
Good lord this is going to be stupid. Well, maybe he’ll do another toy. I’m surprised that last one he did wasn’t food related.
“Ninja Turtles cereal” OH GOD DAMN IT!
Cereal again? What is your obsession with that stuff? I get the feeling if he had breakfast at a hotel, he’d ignore the freshly-made bacon & eggs, pancakes, omelettes, and head straight for the cold cereal.
… Let’s go then.
*sees description* That crazy reviewer? Well, at least he got it right. He is crazy… though not in the way he intended. Better than calling himself a “lovable gamer” at least.
0:05 - 0:20: “Welcome back 80’s fans” Ha! 80’s fans. They’re not even watching this shit. Hey Chris, most of your fans were born around 1998.
We also see his “set”, a bunch of 80’s toys on his desk. “Oh man, look at all this 80’s stuff I have! This will make me cool right?”
He mentions how cereal companies did “gimmick cereals” based off Saturday Morning Cartoons. Mentioning Strawberry Shortcake and… Super Mario Bros. That cereal wasn’t based off the cartoon Bores.
Oh God, he has a box of it. I hope he understands that a 20 year old cereal will taste cardboard covered in slime.
0:20 - 0:47: A green screen grocery aisle. You’re making a video about cereal, is this necessary? I also love how he’s implying this is the 80’s even though the boxes of Cookie Crisp have the wolf mascot introduced three years ago.
He brings up that the box he has is unopened (I doubt it will still be good) but he won’t reveal how he got it. Off eBay, don’t try to act “mysterious” when the answer is almost always eBay.
Oh wait, that was to set-up a cutaway gag. … Who’s this? Some guy with a beard shows up. He’s not Scottie, or Eric “Wise Sage” Allen, or Brad “The Genie” Harp. The credits tell me nothing. So, Bores has another person willing to show up in his videos. USE HIM! Don’t play every character yourself! Especially when they’re background extras, that’s just moronic!
The bearded guy won the box off eBay and tells Bores about it. He gives him the box to hold when his phone rings, Bores uses this distraction to switch it with a box of Mini-Wheats. Wow, what an asshole. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to “in-character” here. Then again, even out-of-character he’s still a thief.
Also, where’s this gag located? Well, clearly it’s in Chris’ house (TMNT figures, the scroll) but the way they bump into each other implies a different location. If so, does Bores just carry a box of Mini-Wheats around in case he finds a rare cereal? Given his cereal obsession this wouldn’t surprise me.
0:48 - 1:15: He gets to opening the box. After he does that he takes out a bowl and starts pouring it. Wait, the box was supposed to be unopened. Why is the bag inside open?
He points out the cereal resembles Chex with marshmallows, though the marshmallows are brown. That should be a clue NOT to eat the cereal Chris.
“Let’s check out this box” I sense padding.
1:15 - 1:33: Bores points out the Turtles on the front, and despite clearly being able to see them all, he lists off what they’re holding. He notes Raphael “bringing the tunes” and Michelangelo bringing a net. Cue record scratch and a little forced anger. You find issues with Mikey holding a net but have no qualms with Raphael holding a radio. Whatever.
1:34 - 1:51: “Now let’s move to the side of the box” I was right, padded to Hell. This video is only 2 minutes, 39 seconds and it still needed trimming.
He reads off some of the ingredients. Holy shit! It’s a box of cereal! Even your little kid fans have seen a box of cereal! God!
He also notices it was made by Purina, as in the dog food, and wonders if that’s why the marshmallows are brown. No, the marshmallows are brown because it’s a 20 year old cereal. Also, that’s “Ralston-Purina”. Before 1994, they made both animal food and cereal. Notably Chex and Cookie Crisp (which is why this cereal is Chex with marshmallows).
1:52 - 2:04: He moves onto the back. God damn it…
He brings up how this box has trading cards related to the TMNT movie, and notes how other boxes had puzzles, contests, and “ho-lograms”. Hang on, Captain Picard is calling me. He wants me in the “ho-lodeck” to do a “ho-lographic” simulation.
Jeez, Chris is acting like nobody has ever had cereal. Like cereal is some high-end food like filet mignon or caviar. This is really sad.
2:05 - 2:14: “So how do I rate this one?” Wait, you’re actually going to rate it? Wow, he actually stays honest to his title. That’s a first.
He says he remembers not liking it, but the nostalgia alone rates it as “Nostalgia Overload”. I don’t get it. You didn’t like the cereal but the fact it’s Ninja Turtles is enough of an “overload”. You do realize there’s a ton of other TMNT products that can provide a “nostalgia overload”. I don’t know…
The video ends with him pouring milk into the bowl. You’re not…
Then he takes a bite and immediately spits it out. WELL HOW DID YOU THINK IT WAS GOING TO TASTE?! God damn it…
And to add more time to the video, we get a shot of him going “bleh” to the camera. Because spitting it out wasn’t enough of an indication that you didn’t like it.
Well that was a complete waste. It took him over a year to make another “I Rate the 80’s” and it’s something that could have been a minute long. And again with the green screen, it isn’t needed in something this simple!
Guess I’ll wait for IG’s eventual Mortal Kombat 9 review. That will be a joke.