Test Your Patience. Gushing Over Mortal Kombat.

And here it is, IG’s Mortal Kombat 9 review. As usual, three months after the game hit shelves. God forbid that he reviews something within a fortnight of its release. For a while I predicted he’ll gush about the game, once again forgetting his “Irate nature”. Will I have Raiden’s foresight or will I be as blind as Kenshi? Take a guess. Surprisingly, there was no video announcement, I had to learn about this one from his site. 0:08 - 0:15: “Alright Mortal Kombat fans, you’ve been asking me to review this game for weeks…” Actually, I haven’t been asking. I’ve just been assuming you would do it. Wait, “80’s fans”, “Mortal Kombat fans”. Is he trying another catchphrase? Would he review Dead Space 2 and open with “Alright Dead Space fans”. He better not say “Gamer fans” otherwise Spax3 is going to sue someone… again. 0:15 - 0:35: And he gushes about it. If you’ll excuse me I have to go win next month’s lottery. He mentions the game is “well-polished” and hard to put down. Care to tell me what that means? 0:36 - 1:22: IG starts going into the character roster, guess not. “Want to play as classics like Scorpion, Raiden, and Sub-Zero? You got ‘em. Want to play as the once hidden characters like Reptile, Noob Saibot, and Smoke? They‘re here too.” Wow, you can play as Mortal Kombat characters there were in almost every game! In fact, let me list the games that don’t have those six, playable or not. Scorpion: Didn’t appear in MK3, but appeared in Ultimate MK3. Raiden: Didn’t appear in MK3 or Ultimate MK3 but appeared in MK Trilogy. Sub-Zero: He’s been in every game. Though not as the same person (see Noob Saibot) Reptile: Didn’t appear in MK3 but appeared in Ultimate MK3. Was only a cameo in Deception. Also didn’t show up in MK vs. DC Universe. Noob Saibot: This is where things get tricky. He appeared in the first MK as Sub-Zero, but got killed by Scorpion and resurrected as Noob Saibot. The Sub-Zero from the second game was his younger brother. He wasn’t in Deadly Alliance… sort-of. He was in the GBA “sequel” Tournament Edition. He also didn’t show up in MK vs. DC Universe. Smoke: Didn’t appear in the first game, Mortal Kombat 4, Deadly Alliance, and DC Universe. Noob and Smoke were a tag team in Deception. I’m not counting the spin-offs because we’d be here all day. What I’m saying is it’s not a big deal those characters are in the game. MK9’s roster consists of characters that were already in one of the previous games. The only new ones were Cyber Sub-Zero and Skarlet (as DLC), no I’m not counting Kratos or Freddy. “Talk about nostalgia overload! There’s plenty enough here to keep old-school fans like me very happy” Is “nostalgia overload” another attempted catchphrase? “Expecting stage fatalities? Yep, they‘re back too!” They never left. They appeared in every game besides Deadly Alliance. He brings up the return of Babalities and how he wasn’t a big fan. The camera cuts to him saying “well they can’t all be winners” and it cuts back to the game. Strange, I was expecting a dumb Cousin Joey scene to happen. Crap crap crap, now that I said it, it will show up in the “special YouTube version”. 1:23 - 1:40: IG notices how the different kombatants have different fighting styles, noting Smoke using palm strikes and Reptile using grappling moves. … Begrudgingly I have to agree, it’s a nice detail. I guess this is where his “Martial Arts training” comes in, though I still doubt he can actually perform the White Crane style *cough*Predator*cough*.

EDIT: Until it turns out that Reptile and Smoke are just using their throw commands, something ALL the fighters can do. Thanks to Awesome_Allen for telling me this. 1:40 - 2:03: He brings up the different modes. Mentioning that the Challenge Tower has 100 levels. Noo, it has 300 levels. You couldn’t double-check that little detail? He also says the story mode is awesome. Yes, it’s so awesome he didn’t even beat it (his character roster lacked Quan Chi and Cyber Sub-Zero). 2:04 - 2:44: He puts down the controller to talk about the “extras” the game comes with. Aren’t you supposed to be talking about the game? Who cares what extras it came with? IG brings up that he got the special Tournament Edition (rather, that’s the version GotGame gave him) and it came with an arcade stick. He then looks over the arcade stick. GET BACK TO THE GAME! This isn’t that impressive, all the Capcom and Namco fighting games have one. We then get a shot of him looking “angry” as he plays the game. Otherwise people will forget he’s “Irate”. 2:45 - 2:56: IG brings up how the PS3 version has Kratos, but wonders why he can’t use his long-range attacks. It’s a fighting game, that would not only be cheap it would also be considered cheating. 2:56 - 3:34: He says that he hasn’t unlocked anyone because he “thinks you have to beat the story mode”. He just confessed to not beating the story mode! Holy shit! Add another video to the “he just didn’t care” pile. He does bring up the downloadable characters, once again reminding us he was at E3 this year. He brings up Freddy Kruger, and does a reaction shot of… I have no clue what that’s supposed to be. Shock? Terror? I’m going with “Derp”. He wasn’t fond of the idea, but has warmed up to it and will probably download him. Whatever the video is almost over. The video ends with IG saying it’s a fantastic game and to go get it, followed by an annoyed “Game On” and a dumb “Toasty” joke. Well that was idiotic. He didn’t beat story mode, he barely explained the fighting mechanics or gameplay, he wasted time talking about the god damn arcade stick, he didn’t even mention multiplayer, PSN is no longer down so he has no excuse, praised the dumbest things (GUYS THIS GAME HAS SUB-ZERO! THIS IS HUGE!), and overall this was just dumb. But I figured it would be, given how he drools over Mortal Kombat. I don’t think he likes it for the fighting, he only likes it because there’s blood and gore. That may have been cool in 1992 but now we have plenty of games with graphic violence, it’s not that amazing in 2011.

UPDATE: IG uploaded the trailer/update to YouTube. Yeah, it's a bad sign I can get the recap out warning people how bad it is before he can inform his subscribers it's up.

Usual stuff, tells people it's up at GotGame. Then he says "very in-depth review". Oh for the love of... This review was about as in-depth as an empty cup of pudding! How is it people don't see his rampant egotism?

He also announces the contest winners for his Star Trek posters, putting the names of the winners on screen. Enjoy your cheap posters, Irate Gamer will continue not to care about you.

He mentions more contests but needs to "sort out the details". Translation: I'm still looking for cheap crap around my house to send to you.

"More stuff coming" Yeah yeah I don't care.

So when's that DVD coming? Or is it another empty promise?