Thursday, November 24, 2011

For Making This Idiotic Video, I'm Sending You to Arkham City

It’s Thanksgiving! Stuff your gullets full of bird and bread while watching family movies on TV. With the Irate Gamer though, this gives him an opportunity to release two new videos!

First is, as usual, more contest shit. Giving away download codes for BurgerTime World Tour on XBLA. How sad is your company that you have to rely on the Irate Gamer to give away free copies of your game?
He also says the next video is another I Rate the 80s. So you’ve just given up on the regular IG show? I blame the people that said “this is actually decent”. Turns out it was just as shit as his other stuff!

The other video is an IG Neo review of *sighs* Batman: Arkham City. Watch him ruin an amazing game with his lack of knowledge. At least the game is only a month old this time.

0:07 - 0:26: The video opens with IG reminding us it’s Thanksgiving with some stock turkey sound effects playing, not a good sign if I’m getting flashbacks to that dumb Donkey Kong Country Returns video.
He announces he’ll review Batman: Arkham City and gets confused wondering what that has to do with Thanksgiving. The exact same question can be asked with Donkey Kong Country Returns! You don’t have to make this Thanksgiving related.
“Let’s check this bad boy out!” Ah, seems Thanksgiving is also the day where IG decides he must horribly overact his lines.

0:27 - 0:41: “If you’re a fan of the gritty Batman that was reintroduced in the past few years” Past few years? I’m looking at these comics from the 1980s and these are fairly gritty and dark.
“Now the details in this game are what makes this one pop, and there are tons of them” Like? “Details” is a rather vague word Chris. You have to give details yourself and can’t rely on your stupid fans to take your word for it.

0:42 - 1:20: He brings up the villains, said they did a good job with the Penguin and that Joker and Two-Face are in it. Any mention of how Joker is voiced by Mark Hamill in his final appearance as the clown prince of crime?
He’s just being really vague about this, it’s like he’s taking lines from his other reviews and replacing the names.

There’s a clip of Two-Face saying “Bring out the defendant”, then a random shot of IG holding his controller, then it cuts back and Batman is facing Solomon Grundy. … That’s not how happened in the game. It was Penguin that had Grundy prisoner, not Two-Face. Two-Face was actually pretty inconsequential to the plot. After you tie him up at the beginning of the game, he doesn’t appear again until Catwoman’s final episode.
For some reason, IG doesn’t like the appearance of Grundy and remarks “I guess they can’t all be winners.” Screw you, Grundy is awesome.
He says that another villain done right was Catwoman. Actually, she’s more of the anti-hero Catwoman in this game considering you play as her.
“She looks so much like the Gymli’s version, it’s almost eerie” … What does that mean? What‘s a Gymli? *gets note* Ooooh he means famed comic book artist Jim Lee. See, he didn’t put any space between the given name and surname and added “the” at the beginning so it sounded like he was talking about some rejected Tolkien character. Enunciation? Second takes? Pshaw, Chris Bores doesn’t need those!

By the way, ever consider the characters were made to look and act like they did in the comics? It’s almost like Rocksteady gave a shit! Unlike you and this review!
Seriously, no mention of Mr. Freeze, Ra’s al Ghul and his daughter Talia, Harley-Quinn, hell you don’t even say Hugo Strange’s name and he’s basically the main villain!

1:20 - 1:55: “Now in this game, you’ll be running around this huge open landscape, which is Gotham City” While he’s not a Batman villain, I feel the need to quote Lex Luthor. *ahem* WRONG! It’s not Gotham, it’s a sectioned off piece of Gotham called “Arkham City” (it’s almost like it’s in the title). If you actually LISTENED to the story, you would know this!
He says exploring the city is fun because of all the sidequests. Care to name some? Like helping Bane get rid of Titan, saving hostages from the Riddler, finding his riddles, locating phones to trace Victor Zsasz’ calls before he murders his own hostages, no not going to mention them?
“You get to fly around the city” Batman doesn’t fly, he glides. There’s a difference.

He then brings up how they brought back the voice actors from Batman: The Animated Series here. Yes, they did that in the last game too. Care to say their names? Kevin Conroy & Mark Hamill (*cough*final appearance*cough*).
“And I think Harley-Quinn as well” You’d be right if this was Arkham Asylum. However, Arleen Sorkin did not reprise her role here, instead Harley is voiced by veteran voice actress Tara Strong. Honestly, you couldn’t take five minutes in IMDB or Wikipedia to find this?

1:56 - 2:24: He mentions how you use detective work to figure out puzzles, saying that some of these puzzles are headscratchers and can even kill you. Funny how the on-screen footage isn’t showing a puzzle but basic plat forming. There are puzzles in the game that kill you, but those are mostly set-up by the Riddler. Which makes sense given how the Riddler puts Batman into various death traps.
IG then says it’s okay because even dying is cool, showing a game over screen with Harley Quinn mocking you. Just like the last game, if you die the villain mocks you.

2:25 - 2:43: With 30 seconds left, IG realizes he needs to move onto the final verdict since these videos can’t be longer than 3 minutes for some reason.
“I simply love Batman Arkham City, and it contains a great storyline” A storyline that he brought up at NO POINT in this video. Nice going there!
He then recommends it for your Christmas list. Honestly, if THIS was the video I had to go by then I’d forget this game even exists.

The video ends with… oh screw you Bores. He impersonates Batman saying “I’m the Irate Gamer”, holds a cape in front of him, delivers his dumb catchphrase and leaves. Then after the credits card, he holds a Batman action figure to the camera and says “Happy Thanksgiving”. What kind of ending was that? God that was stupid.

Overall, this was just another dumb, generic IG video. He explained next to nothing about the game, anything he did mention was written to be as vague as possible, that ending was beyond horrid, and did he really have to make this a Thanksgiving episode? It’s rather easy not to make a Thanksgiving episode.
No mention of map challenges, Riddler challenges, THE GADGETS, the use of stealth, playable Catwoman, DLC Nightwing and Robin, nothing about the storyline, just a big pile of “Dis game are good and… that’s it”.

It’s quite obvious he never played the first game. That’s all for now. Let’s see how long it takes for that I Rate the 80s video to come out. I’m kind of hoping it’s MTV, not because I want to hear him talk about it, but I want some explanation for that out-of-nowhere ending involving A-ha’s Take On Me in the last video. I get the feeling it’s just going to be a Big Lipped Alligator Moment…

Monday, November 14, 2011

Redux Recap: Chris & Scottie's Unfunny Expeditions

It’s been pretty slow lately, and he hasn’t uploaded anything new since Halloween. I think a Redux Recap is in order.

For the longest time, we thought Chris’ non-IG series were done with. Haunted Investigators hadn’t had a single new episode since 2006-07, but now he’s announced it’s returning. Breakfast Rants seemed dead, until it was re-tooled into I Rate the 80s. That series itself seemed dead until he released FOUR in a fairly short span of time. However, this is the one series I can safely say is done for good.

The Chris & Scottie Road Trip, an attempt at Bores trying to combine information and comedy. It went about as well you’d expect.
The premise is that Chris and his friend Scottie go around the world (stand in front of their green screen) with Chris giving poorly researched facts and Scottie acting like an idiot. Lines resembling jokes are delivered. As if the idea didn’t sound bad enough, we have to buy Chris Bores as the straight man. We are in trouble.

There were only three episodes of the series, the first was only put on the (now dead) Chris & Scottie Road Trip web site. You can read that recap here:
It was made after my cut-off for the Redux Recaps (they’ll end when I get to Resident Evil 5).

The second was made in 2005 and happens to be a holiday-themed episode, Independence Day. Set off a sparkler and get ready.

Pre-intro: The video begins with Bores introducing us to what we‘re about to see, telling us he made this back in 2005 and that he has more episodes in the works. Oh ho ho ho. Hindsight is a bitch.

Intro: The actual video begins with Chris & Scottie in a green-screen kitchen. Come on, you couldn’t actually record that in your own kitchen? I can feel the dread already.
Chris announces they’ll be staying in the USA for this road trip. As they leave, Scottie gets confused over what direction he’s in. So, was that a joke?

Groom Lake, Nevada: The dopey duo head to Area 51. Scottie begins freaking out over the possibilities of UFOs and aliens, and one can see where this is headed.
After another fact I’m sure is incorrect, a bad spotlight effect that’s intended to be a UFO appears in the sky. Chris really abused the default effects in Particle Illusion/After Effects for this trip. The two run away.

Niagara Falls, New York: Oh wow, he didn’t even spell it right.
The two pinheads stand in front of the titular waterfall, rather some really bad water effects Bores found in Adobe. Scottie does a “funny” voice when Chris mentions this is the tourist attraction for lovers.
Chris mentions you can see Canada on the other side, Scottie tries to see but trips over the extremely flimsy barrier. If that were the real thing, far more people would have died at Niagara Falls.

Carson, California: The two head to the Home Depot Center (which Chris calls the Home Depot Arena, oops). Of all the sites in the United States you could have visited, why a stadium that opened in 2003? At least do one with historical significance, like Wrigley Field. That’s been around for nearly 100 years.
Chris mentions it was built for Soccer, with Scottie dejectedly putting it down.
“A lot of people watch soccer” It’s only the world’s most popular sport, duh! No, instead of mentioning that he brings up the food. Who cares that this is the largest Soccer-specific stadium in MLS? There’s food! Cause stadiums normally don’t have that?
Scottie doesn’t care and says soccer sucks, prompting a rather tiny soccer ball to bean him. I like how it cuts to a close-up for that part because there’s obviously no one else there to throw the ball and Chris had to do it.

Death Valley, New Mexico: Whoa whoa whoa! Death Valley is not in New Mexico. It’s on the border of California and Nevada. If you didn’t want to visit two California locations in a row, you could have tried something else or said Nevada instead.
Scottie is doing exaggerated “it’s too hot out” poses when suddenly we get footage of Wile E. Coyote in Looney Tunes: Back in Action. I’m sorry what?
The rest of the clip cuts between the duo and the Coyote. Scottie sees the Looney Tunes footage as a mirage. … Moving on.

Las Vegas, Nevada: The two are in front of Hoover Dam (which isn’t in Las Vegas). Chris provides the dam’s height, length and base width in the form of a question, which Scottie answers “a penguin!” … No. Just no.
“Welcome to Boulder City, New Mexico” Oh come on! Quit mixing up the locations! What’s sad is Boulder City is the Nevada city where Hoover Dam is located. Research is for losers!
“Construction started in 1930” You’re a year off, it was 1931.
But no time for that, we have more Looney Tunes footage! Scottie claims he sees the Coyote again, but Chris tells him he’s seeing mirages. I know Nevada is a desert, but I’m fairly sure mirages don’t happen at a populated area like the Hoover Dam!
Wile E. Coyote fires a rocket and since this is Chris’ own world, he successfully blows a hole in the dam. Cue the shitty stock effects!

The Bronx, New York: They head to Yankee Stadium. See, now there’s another worthy stadium, even if the one featured here has been torn down. Scottie scoffs because he doesn’t like the Yankees. Get it?
Chris goes on about his facts while Scottie taunts the green screen and continues to be a jerk. We then get a repeat of the “soccer sucks” joke as Scottie declares the Yankees suck and gets beaned with a baseball. There’s going to be Rule of Three Abuse isn’t there? Even in 2005.…

Burbank, California: The two are standing in front of Pixar Animation Studios, and Bores is wrong about locations again! Pixar’s headquarters is located in Emeryville, California, not Burbank. They’re not even close to each other.
“Pixar is most well-known for its movies Little Nemo and Toy Story” It’s FINDING NEMO! Little Nemo was a 1989 love it or hate it animated film with a sordid development history based on the early 20th century comic strip about a boy and his adventures in a dream-based world. Finding Nemo is a 2003 CG animated film about an overprotective clownfish single father searching for his son. There’s a difference!
Then a mouse walks by, which happens to be another default effect. I told you he abused them.
Suddenly more default effects show up as Chris gives more history, including a dust cloud that’s meant to be Speedy Gonzales (you can tell by the Spanish). Chris, Speedy Gonzales is a Warner Bros character, Pixar is owned by Disney, there’s no reason to make a Speedy Gonzales reference.
Noticing Scottie fidgeting because of the effects, Chris decides to let him choose the next destination.

Greece: What happens now is an unfunny gag where Scottie wants to go to Greece but they keep ending up in the wrong location. What I wonder from this is how are they traveling? Are they flying to each destination? If they are, then they shouldn’t get Greece wrong multiple times.
After Scottie gets it wrong FOUR TIMES (the last time being a Crisco Factory… hur hur), Chris takes them to the real Greece but immediately leaves because “we’re only doing the United States”. Scottie whines a bit about doing something but we’re never told what it is. That whole gag was pointless! I have a feeling it was only made to make Chris look good.

Las Vegas, Nevada: Again? Oh wait, first time wasn’t actually Vegas.
Oh look, a casino. What are the odds?
Chris gives some facts that are blatantly incorrect before mentioning a Star Trek museum. Quite a leap from “talking about casinos” to “there’s a Star Trek museum!”
After mentioning the museum, Scottie beams in and tells him to try the transporter with Chris confused about what just happened. Join the club!

Detroit, Michigan: Another stadium? I have a feeling I know what happens here.
Scottie is fidgeting some more as Chris arrives late. Scottie yells at him but Chris tells him he’s not in the mood after the “Greece fiasco”. Because switching the green screen four times is sooooo draining.
As Chris talks about the Joe Louis Arena, Scottie is mocking him in the background.
Why does Bores sound like he’s about to cry as he’s giving his history lesson?
Scottie continues to whine about Chris being late, prompting Chris to yell “hockey sucks!” and Scottie gets hit by a default effect that’s supposed to be a puck. We have rule of three! Thank God it’s almost over.

Outskirts of Town: Because it’s tough to spell Sandusky.
The “road trip” has finally come to an end, they say their good byes and for some reason get beamed up by the Enterprise. Pointless? Perhaps.
Followed by a weird zoom-in and the title card. I like how the early episodes called this the “Scottie & Chris Road Trip” but every other time he calls it the “Chris & Scottie Road Trip”. Sounds like Chris’ ego got in the way again and couldn’t allow Scottie to have top billing.

While that wasn’t as offensively bad as the pilot, it was still awful. The usual lack of research shines though, along with painfully unfunny jokes, Scottie is an unlikable annoyance, and this really should have stayed in Chris’ vault.

Normally, this is where I would end things. However, there’s one final episode to get through. Made three years after the last one, it’s pretty telling from this episode why the series never had another one.

Intro: We open on the new title card, now with Chris getting top billing over Scottie. Scottie also got a haircut.
I really don’t understand the purpose of doing a green-screen kitchen, can’t Chris clean his up for filming? Shouldn’t take too long.
This time, they two will be going around the world. As they leave, Scottie trips. Because he’s the comic foil and has no other purpose than to get hurt.

London, England: The two arrive in an excessively foggy London street. *sighs* Why not add some rain? Or a Buckingham Palace guardsman with bad teeth?
The two complain about the fog. “I can’t even see my own sandwich in front of my face!” You’re holding the sandwich! Learn how your fucking limbs work!
“You’d be surprised that London was once the largest city in the entire world” Chris, he was talking about his sandwich. How does that lead into “London was really big”?
“Now one of the titles London retains is having one of the worst crime rates in the world” Are you kidding? In what crimes? There are countries with genocide, drug lord, FAR FAR worse than what you’d find in a first-world country!
But guess what, that was setting up a joke! Scottie has his sandwich stolen, then Chris’ watch is stolen, and the power of editing steals Scottie’s shirt. This is more like the pilot, stereotypes everywhere!

Pisa, Italy: Um, how is the tripod not sliding over? Even if one was in the Leaning Tower, they wouldn’t be filmed at an angle. Perspective? Oh and I see Scottie got his shirt back.
“Our next stop on our tour brings us to the Leaning Tower of Pisa” “Pizza?” … How old are you Chris? Did you really think anyone over the age of 10 would find that funny? Don’t blame Scottie, you’re the one who write the line. He merely delivered it.
Scottie thinks it’s pizza because he’s so hungry because he couldn’t get his sandwich in London. In the time it took for the two to travel from England to Italy, at no point did Scottie consider getting something to eat?! Where’s the sense in this? Is Chris staving him? Does he not understand geography?
“No Scottie, we got a show to do” Oh, he is starving him. Such a kind man Chris.
“It’s hard to stand in here” No, that’s not how the tower works… ugh
And since it was so funny the first time, they do the “Pisa/Pizza” joke again. I smell Rule of Three.
“Now people all over the world come to see the Leaning Tower” “Of pizza!” Tired of the joke he wrote, Chris pushes him off the tower. Murder, lovely!

Yucatan Peninsula: Having somehow survived his fall, the two arrive at an ancient temple. Scottie still complaining that he’s hungry. Maybe you should work for someone else since Bores is obviously starving you.
But Chris promises him a sandwich, though Scottie wants a hot dog now, hoping there’s a vendor around there. With Chris telling him there’s no chance of a vendor being out there. This sounds familiar…
After a vague fact, a hot dog vendor appears out of nowhere with Scottie going to grab one. … You know, it’s one thing to reference The Simpsons, it’s another to quote The Simpsons, they’re in the dictionary now! However, this scene is neither a reference or a quote, it’s theft! Taken from a gag from the episode “’Round Springfield” with Homer wanting a hot dog in an inappropriate place (watching a surgery and a funeral) and a vendor shows up out of nowhere. This is the exact same joke! Defend the AVGN theft all you want, there’s no excuse for this.
Then an ice cream truck shows up, whatever I don’t care. What location are you going to now?

New York, New York: Seriously? Of all the things you can show in New York City, a cultural capital of the world, you show a fucking post office! Why?! Post offices aren’t exciting!
“Blah blah blah biggest post office” ADRENELINE-PUMPING ACTION!
Scottie runs excited that he won ten million dollars, but it wasn’t his mail and Chris tells him he could go to jail for opening it. Then, Scottie pulls out a copy of Action Comics #1. I love how Bores is looking at the back cover like THAT’S the impressive part. Chris’ tone changes and he goes to take it to the “proper authorities” with a devilish grin on his face. Wow, Bores is a real asshole in this video. Starving his friend, pushing him off a tower, stealing mail, I wonder if Scottie noticed this.

Hell, Michigan: *sighs* Well, I know what joke is going to happen now.
Blah blah blah history blah blah blah. Scottie keeps asking if there are other reasons it’s called Hell, eventually causing fake fire to appear. If you saw this joke coming, congratulations you have at least passed the second grade.

Downtown: Downtown what? Downtown LA? Downtown Chicago?
No it’s back home, they’re done. Wait, Michigan? He lives in Ohio! So they went from Hell to an unspecified Michigan city? Would have been nice to say something other than “Downtown”!
Chris takes out the copy of Action Comics #1 he stole from the post office and Scottie notices. Chris lies that they let him keep it because he’s the “host” with Scottie realizing he’s the host too and the video ends.

Somehow, that was worse than the 2005 video. Along with being painfully unfunny with predictable jokes written by 8 year olds, it was also annoying. Scottie was somehow worse than before and Chris was a major dickhead. I am so glad that this show never got anymore episodes. I would hate for them to visit Chicago.

And unlike Haunted Investigators or I Rate the 80s, I don’t expect this to get an out-of-nowhere return. The Chris & Scottie Road Trip website is gone, and while I’m not 100% sure about this but Scott Mitchell (his real name) seems to have severed ties with Chris. Hopefully someone can confirm this with me.

*slumps back* That’s it for now. Next Redux Recap is Zack & Wiki. Let’s see if Chris actually does a new video.