How many times are we going to go over this Bores? You can’t establish a “storyline” and take MONTHS to release the next installment. You need consistency! How many months has it been since the last one? *counts* Seven! You’re going to keep losing fans this way! I know there are people subscribed just for the retro reviews. Your fountain of excuses is running dry, pick up the pace!
Now that I got my usual pacing rant out of the way, what’s he going to talk about this time? *sees title* Silver Surfer. …Oh no. Oh no no no no no no. Are we really doing this again?
Let me talk about the bullshit idea of “reviewer dibs”. Just because someone reviews a game, a movie, an album, whatever, DOES NOT mean that it’s off-limits to everyone else. Anyone can talk about anything. Hell, that’s the whole point of Rotten Tomatoes, different perspectives from various critics. Perspective is key! The issue is when people clearly steal from others, such is the case of Chris Bores.
I don’t like talking about that aspect of his videos, but to this day there are STILL hundreds of comments that still call him an AVGN rip-off. It’s a stigma he will NEVER get rid of, no matter how original he tries to be.
And yet here you are Chris, taking a look at a game that happens to be one of his most popular reviews. Don’t give me that bullshit excuse of “I don’t watch him anymore”, the AVGN’s Silver Surfer episode was from June 2007, and going by your iratefanboy345 videos, you have seen it!
But maybe this is why the episode took so long, he constantly watched the AVGN’s Silver Surfer episode in order to make sure he doesn’t reuse his jokes. We’ll see what happens.
As for the storyline side of things, here’s what’s happened last time.
After pretending the robot army that attacked the city never happened, IG receives a magical sword from a monk (according to his site, that’s what it was). It gives him the ability to turn his shirt red and… play video games better I think. The monk returns to his master as they go on about IG being the Chosen One. Audiences everywhere are rolling their eyes in this sea of clichés.
And now, the continuation.
Bores has been hyping this episode by changing his website and Facebook page to something about the Pixel Demon. Any questions asked by fans were met with “PIXEL DEMON”. He can’t even think of “creepy” stuff to say. Like “There was a reviewer here, he’s gone now” or “The Irate one has gone quiet, soon you shall join him”.
*reads description* He mentions that the show has reached its 5th Year Anniversary. Yeah, last month. I even made a post about it. You probably didn’t even know until Guru Larry reminded you.
He celebrates by reviewing this game, apparently he wanted to review this back in “Season 1” but put it on the backburner. Translation: AVGN reviewed it back in 07 and he was getting flack for stealing from him.
He also brings up the ending will make the long wait worth it. Sounds like this is going to be pain.
0:00 - 1:20: Our video opens with a news report, “Evening News from Johnny Newscaster”. … We’re in trouble already.
Really? That’s the name you came up with? Hell, why stop there? Here’s a young woman that works at Starbucks, her name is Elizabeth Coffeserver. How about this construction worker? He’ll be Jacob Buildingmaker. Are you writing this for five year olds?
Johnny (Bores in another wig) reports on the robot invasion. Oh now you bring it up. Then what was the point of the last episode? Just to introduce the sword?
He reports that the person that orchestrated the attack is… with them. Suddenly the Evil Gamer pops up “by via” satellite. Psst, trace the signal and call the police!
Oh come on! Evil Gamer just revealed his plans to you! Call the FBI or something! He attacked your city with robots!
Then we get a satellite feed with, oh great, Tony… Rockenheimer? Is that even a real name? *Googles* It’s a character from the Flintstones. … Odd, out-of-place reference. Hang on, he had a different last name in the Home Improvement video! Tony Borland. … which happens to be a reference to Home Improvement. Is this going to be Tony’s running joke? He’ll have a different last name from a TV show every time he appears? Because that’s not funny!
Tony is seen broadcasting from a gym. I know you’re trying to establish him as a tough guy, but it’s really not working. He tells the Evil Gamer to watch out and they’re coming for him. EG brushes it off.
Then Devil Bores also shows up, complimenting EG for thinking up a robot army before he did. You know what Voltron is, clearly they must have had an episode with a robot invasion. Then his souffle has finished, continuing to show how lame this version of Satan is.
THEN the Irate Gamer shows up, with Evil Gamer letting out a loud “WHAT?” Heh, that’s actually better than the one the Genie delivered. Take lessons Brad.
IG is seen looking through his shelf of games when he’s interrupted, saying he has nothing to contribute as he’s about to review a game. Johnny is surprised since he has 25 minutes left to fill. How about other news? No, instead Johnny asks if anyone knows show tunes, then Kool-Aid Man appears via satellite with a dusty explosion effect. Uhh, point? Purpose? Hello?
1:21 - 1:46: It cuts to IG who says that he’s going to talk about Silver Surfer. He acknowledges that other people have reviewed this game before. That’s not going to get you off the hook that easily…
But he intends to make it to the end. This almost seems like a way of saying “I’m going to do what that other guy couldn’t”, even though I’ve seen people do what that other guy couldn’t. Specifically LordKat and Aqualung’s Game Reviews. By the way, this game does have a cheat for invincibility. Not even Game Genie, a legit in-game cheat. So I’m going to keep an eye out on that.
He tells that if we don’t like it, we can click off to another channel, prompting the video to switch to some Western show (I feel I should know it, but I don’t). IG comes on screen and tells them to switch back. Making the jokes for me, he’s starting to catch on.
1:47 - 2:16: IG goes through the brief story, then arrives at the stage select screen. He remarks that it reminds him of Mega Man. He mentions the water world, space world, and ghost world. Then yells out that it IS a rip-off of Mega Man. No it’s not! Mega Man is not a Gradius style shoot-em-up. When do you scroll in Mega Man? Or die in one hit from enemy contact? Or just from touching a non-lethal wall? You don’t! And when did Mega Man have a “ghost world”?
Turns out this was all an excuse to have a “joke” where IG shakes his fist at the screen, then Mega Man comes in and does the same. When all else fails, use sprites! Surely this will make people laugh for some reason.
EDIT: Shade Man in Mega Man 7 is considered a ghost world. Thanks to Dorseh for pointing this out.
And Mega Man 4 does have an auto-scrolling stage in Dr. Cossack's castle. Thanks to Justin De Lucia for pointing this out.
2:17 - 2:49: He starts on Possessor’s world (while referencing Bret Hart, another person I‘m sure your fans don‘t know) and attempts to review it. I say attempts as he immediately dies. He tries again and dies again. Letting out a cry of “Gosh damn it!” Are you trying to combine “family friendly” and “curse-laden adult show” into one? You can’t have it both ways! Pick your audience! Same goes with your references *points to Bret Hart above*
He tries a third time and dies a third time. Getting a game over then complaining about no save feature. You just started the game and died three times at the beginning of one stage. You made zero progress, why are you begging for a save feature now?
Then his head explodes. Sweet! Review over! Time to post this.
I find it odd how his neck stump looks like MS Paint.
2:50 - 3:31: Of course not, there’s still over six minutes left.
IG erupts into a rant about the game’s difficulty. The same type of spiel you’ve heard from anyone else that’s talked about this game. Nothing really new. Just him begging for extra health or something. Though I do notice his life count is oddly high. Do I sense Game Genie?
“This game sucks! It blows! And it’s a piece of-” *dies* “SHIT!” So saying “shit” is okay, but don’t you dare take the lord’s name in vain.
3:32 - 4:13: He pauses the game to chart a path. That’s not the Silver Surfer pause sound, that’s the Mario pause sound. Not every game pauses that way Chris *points to E.T. on GBA*.
After charting a path, he tries but dies in one second. He screams and breaks the glass of his camera. I will say, he’s finally living up to his name. He is “Irate”.
He takes out his NES Advantage and heavily abuses the turbo and slow buttons. He says it’s not better as he still loses even in slow-motion. Prompting him to scream in slow-motion. Okay, tone it down now. You don’t have to over-exaggerate every single scream. That was what, three screams in three minutes?
4:14 - 4:56: He goes on about how the controls aren’t much better, especially when it comes to other weapons. He says the B button does nothing while the Select button fires the alternate weapon. That’s actually completely untrue. The B button moves the cannon beneath your board so you can fire at enemies behind you, and the Select button detonates a bomb, something you have a LIMITED supply of. Like in most shoot-em-ups.
He asks if Pablo Picasso designed the controls. Then what I imagine is his attempt at a Picasso type human appears and says “Yes” (oh that’s Pablo himself). IG tells him to “fuck off” and he retorts “You know nothing of my work!” I agree, that looks nothing like a Picasso painting. Hang on, that line sounded like a Family Guy reference.
This joke could have worked had it made sense and you used an actual Picasso painting and not your lame attempt at recreating one.
But he says the weapons don’t matter as one can’t stay alive long enough to use them.
4:57 - 5:51: After yelling “gosh damn it” again (seriously, what the hell?), he tells R.O.B. he wants to see the end of the game, and R.O.B. nods in agreement. I think that scene was just an excuse to show stop-motion, maybe you could shed a couple months off your production time by just having it sit still and talk. Like every other show with a R.O.B. sidekick. Sure it’s cliché, but it’s efficient.
He’s had enough and breaks out the Game Genie. Of course…
He rubs the Game Genie- wait a second. Does this mean? Will we finally see the return of the Genie after three years?! Holy shit!
Come on out Brad Harp! *sees it’s Chris wearing his clothes* WHAT? You couldn’t even get him back?! … I knew it! I knew he would do this! I predicted that Harp wouldn’t work with him again or something similar and that Chris would have to fill in the role. God damn it! I hate it when I’m right!
IG does acknowledge this change, noting he looks different from last time. Wait, you remember him? But didn’t the Aladdin review end with IG and Wise Sage’s memories getting erased? How would he know what he looked like last time? Ugh, I haven’t seen a plot hole this bad since… his MUSCLE review. Once again, Bores clearly doesn’t give a shit about continuity.
So what’s the Genie’s explanation for his different look? He was locked up in there a long time, then “If Doctor Who can do it, I can do it too.” … Excuse me while I go unleash the fury of a thousand Time Lords.
*One hour later*
I think I just turned that blood-stained tree into paper. Why was it stained in blood? *breathes* Okay, I’m calm now. Let’s keep going.
IG asks the Genie to give him infinite lives. He sprinkles dust on him, but IG tells him the game not him. Clearly IG already has infinite lives, he is the “Chosen One” after all.
The Genie is noticeably smaller than last time, likely due to Bores pulling double duty here again.
5:52 - 7:20: He goes on to describe how each stage is divided into three sections, each ending on a boss. He beats a stage boss, gets a device piece, and “celebrates”. Yet despite blatantly cheating, Bores still complains the game is too hard. It’s kind of hard to take that complaint seriously when you give yourself infinite lives.
He notes that even with Game Genie, you’ll be hit with a constant barrage of death after death after death after death after… this sounds familiar.
He beats all five stages and moves on to the final one, and is shocked to see the villain is Mr. Sinister. I’ll admit that is kind of strange, he’s not a Silver Surfer villain.
But he continues to complain, wondering why this game was made, right up to the final boss and how you don’t even fight Mr. Sinister. Instead, fighting a purple alien with a gun. IG facepalms at this.
The video ends with the final boss walking off-screen (something he does in the game to avoid your shots) when fake text appears on screen saying “Your Next Challenger Awaits!” followed by “The Pixel Demon is Coming”. IG wonders what that is. The Genie hears this and teleports away scared. Hang on, didn’t you have some revenge plan you wanted to enact? The stinger to the Aladdin video seemed to imply that. Did Bores just scrap that? Given how it’s taken three years for that character to reappear, I’m not surprised…
Then R.O.B. flies away and the in-game Silver Surfer sprite flies off-screen. IG wonders what the hell is going on. Then the monk from the last episode shows up. Oooooh, now I see. The monk tells him to use the Inferno Force. Hang on, I know his magical sword is called the “Sword of Inferno” but what’s the Inferno Force? Establish this stuff!
Apparently, the Pixel Demon is locked away in every copy of Silver Surfer, and the game was purposely made impossible so it wouldn’t be released. … That is fucking stupid! This sounds like the worst Creepypasta ever, you’re making “WHO WAS PHONE?” sound dignified!
So IG, I guess, summons the Inferno Force, using lots of a special effects. Something next to him appears as we see the Pixel Demon walk on screen. The thing IG was summoning fully appears and… what is that? *sees him jump on it* Oh it’s a surfboard… oooooh I can see where this is going. This is going to suck.
And we get a full view of the terrifying Pixel Demon! It’s… a green troll looking thing. That’s it? All that hype on your site and Facebook page for that? Bores, you are a connoisseur when it comes to disappointment.
IG goes into the TV (yep, saw it coming), flies through the stages with annoying close-ups of his growling face. He makes it to the Pixel Demon, it says it can’t be stopped, IG takes out a Bob-omb and kills it in one shot. Then he escapes with explosions around him, gets out of the TV, and… it’s over. What? That’s it? That was lame! Good lord. For someone that complains about shitty video game endings, you’re no better at it.
Oh but wait, there’s a stinger. The Pixel Demon survived and leaves the TV. I’m sorry, but is this thing supposed to be a threat? It did nothing! It showed up and IG hit it with a bomb. Bores, you have the lamest villains ever! You make the villains from Rainbow Brite look like a legitimate threat!
So that was… pain.
First the review part. The entire thing was “this is too hard blah blah blah” when it wasn’t making stupid claims about it being a Mega Man rip-off just because of the stage select or the misinformation on the controls. The same stuff we’ve heard from other people. Hell, one part was even lifted from that other guy. The one I heard just finished shooting a movie in LA.
Overall, as weak as uaual.
The story part was an utter joke. What’s sad is that the concept of the Pixel Demon has worked before, in countless Creepypasta tales. Read the Haunted Majora‘s Mask Cartridge, or Pokemon Lost Silver, or the NES Godzilla Creepypasta. All told a better story about a possessed cartridge than this! They had much more credible threats too, like that goddamn Elegy of Emptiness statue.
This only goes to show Bores utterly fails as a storyteller. The Pixel Demon sucks! If only he took all the time he spent on those effects and invested it in writing. And what was the point of the beginning part with ... Johnny Newscaster. Urgh.
Also, I'm very disappointed that you took up the role of the Genie. Sure the original was a terrible actor, but he was something different! It wasn't just you wearing a mask or a wig.
*lies back* So that’s that. What’s next? Well, E3 is next week. Bores is, sadly, confirmed to be going. I imagine his videos would go up a good week after the event ends. Until then everyone.
EDIT: blueluigi went through the Internet Archive and found this.
I remember hearing that he had announced reviews of Silver Surfer and Superman, but took them down rather quickly so I never got to see that. Thanks blueluigi
On Facebook, Bores told someone he'll eventually get to Superman after a few other things. Oh joy...
Also, the rip-off accusations have started flaring up on his page. Prompting Bores to say that the "Evil Gamer sent his cronies again" ... Don't blame the massive amount of criticism you get on a character you created. It only shows how massive your ego is, and that you refuse to listen to ANYONE but yourself and your mother.
By the way, does anyone know how I can get in touch with Brad Harp? I'm curious as to why he didn't reprise his role as the Genie.