So he’ll be reviewing X-Men. If it’s just the NES game, then at least he’s talking about an actual bad game. He also seems to be doing a theme of games based on Marvel Superheroes going by his last review of Silver Surfer. This would work if he did weekly or bi-weekly videos. But he doesn’t. He shouldn’t try themes at his output rate.
One thing Chris did before the review’s release was boast about how he was playing FIFTEEN characters. For the sake of this recap, I’m going to count each one.
The video is also over 10 minutes long. Brace yourselves, it’s going to be a long one.
0:00 - 0:30: Our video begins at Stock Footage University, I mean the Castle of Evil with the Evil Gamer reporting to Ultra-Generic Shadow Villain. It should be noted this his first appearance in nearly two years. What a great villain! Their “master plan” is ready and… cue theme. Wow, that was quick. No complaints here.
0:35 - 0:54: We cut to IG’s house where we see sprites of a Koopa Troopa and the Albatross from Mario 2 . The point? Just another attempt to convince people he’s a gamer, that and DISTRACTING EFFECTS WOOO.
As a continuation from last time, he takes his copy of Silver Surfer, and throws it so hard that it defies physics and makes it outside to hit Not-Wilson. Hmm, hitting Not-Wilson with a game, is this his attempt at an on-going running gag? Because it’s not really that funny.
Characters: 4 (yes I’m including IG as a character)
He notes that since he’s on a comics kick, he decides to check out X-Men on the NES. Like I said above, that idea only works when you make videos on a much more consistent basis. Not when you take months at a time to make just one.
0:55 - 2:11: “Along with being one of my favorite comic books, X-Men finally comes to life on the NES” Finally? This game is 23 years old! How is it “finally” on a… never mind.
He notes that there are five stages (technically four as one is obviously a tutorial level, it’s even called “Practice”) and decides to do one of the main ones. He points that you can play as one of six X-Men. Leading to… oh God.
We then cut to a roll-call with Bores playing each member as they were portrayed in the movies (black leather costumes). Using green screen effects to color his skin for Nightcrawler, Colossus (looking nothing like him) and Iceman. Shockingly, he also dresses as Storm. I say that since I had a realization that he’s never played a female character, like in that panicked city scene in RoboCop or the Colorforms video where he only dressed as Harry Kislevitz but not Patricia. Granted, all he does with Storm is put on a white wig. There’s also some crickets chirping for some reason and “she” says “to hell with you all”. I don’t get it, is that supposed to show people’s stunned silence or disappointment? Or does Bores just think Storm is a lame character? Well, I remember he called Storm a bad character in his review of MvC3, only showing how much of a non-fan he was of that game. Maybe there’s something else involved.
By the way, that’s a really lame Colossus impression. THIS is how you do a Colossus yell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPLpovcDujw
He notes how each X-Men has a special skill, then he gets to Wolverine and notes how his is a weak punch that kills him easily. He calls him a pushover, causing Bores-verine to appear and say “I resemble that remark”. IG then, no joke, swats him away past the other four male X-Men. As in flying across the room. It’s also a really poor effect since both characters are played by Bores. Swatting Wolverine across the room, that just screams “Mary Sue” at the top of a mountain.
As for the other four X-Men, good lord this looks stupid. Seeing Bores in identical leather costumes with very little difference between them. All that’s different is the skin tone and the glasses on Cyclops!
IG then asks the others if they have any problems, and they all do that awkward collar pull that’s often done on The Simpsons. Reducing the X-Men to cowards, another check for the Mary Sue list.
2:12 - 3:17: Continuing his complaint on Wolverine, he calls it blasphemous that they reduce the most popular X-Man to this. Then he brings up that Colossus is the exact same thing, and also looks less like Colossus and more like Captain Planet. This causes Pitor Bores-putin to walk away in sadness. This is really lame.
He brings up that Nightcrawler is also a puncher but he can’t teleport, but then sees him walking through walls. IG screams, then notes that’s not Nightcrawler’s power, that’s Kitty Pryde’s power. Causing Bores-crawler to face palm.
“That’s like taking a shit in your brownie mix” TOILET HUMOR! He still does it!
“Did they even read the source material here?” Considering it’s LJN, one of the absolute worst followers of source material, that’s a very likely no.
He then asks “What’s next? Making Storm a white chick?” and we see the very white and male Ororo Bores-roe reading from smutty Twilight fanficition, I mean Fifty Shades of Grey (because referencing that book isn’t old) and “she” yells “Just leave me alone!” Is it me, or does Chris’ portrayal of Storm only have one emotion? Bitchy anger. It’s coming off as kind of sexist.
EDIT: Fixed Storm's name, thanks starofjustice.
3:18 - 3:58: “Where the hell is the quality control in this shit” Look, I know referencing LJN is the thing that other guy does, but other reviewers have done it too. Most retro gamers know LJN is synonymous with crap, and the leading cause of “licensed games = bad”
But forget that, it’s skit time!
IG is getting worked up and wants something to drink. He orders Bores-crawler to get him one, and using the powers of jump-cuts and After Effects, teleports out to get him water. IG yells at him for forgetting the ice and somehow throws his NES controller at him. Despite still being connected to his console, and it somehow loses the cord, as well as gain a weird white boarder around it. It’s like physics are non-existent in his little world.
He orders Ice-Bores to give him ice, so Ice-Bores… drops trou and literally shits out an ice cube into his cup. That was disgusting! How can his fans sit there and claim he doesn’t resort to toilet humor? This is the type of gross-out joke the AVGN would do!
Oh, and IG takes a drink from his cup and finds it “refreshing”. Again, how does he not resort to toilet humor? Please, tell me. The evidence is pretty strong in my case.
*sighs* Moving on.
3:59 - 4:59: He continues with the game and notes the objective is finding keys (complete with green circle). He shows a part where gets killed by a door.
“You can get killed by a door?” Yeah, it can crush you. Familiar with that concept?
Then a wooden door flies in and hits him. Okay, I’ll admit I didn’t expect that. Wasn’t funny but in the right direction.
He goes into how the game forces a second computer-controlled player in, and notes how the A.I. is really bad. Honestly, the review portion isn’t horrid. Granted, it’s nothing new but there’s not much to say about this game that hasn’t already been said so… yeah.
IG dies again and again due to the random respawns and poor computer A.I., causing him to facepalm. Okay, enough with the facepalms, it’s getting really redundant.
5:00 - 6:51: After his multiple deaths, Bores-clops walks in and offers the Game Genie. Do you HAVE to cheat in every single game? Just once, beat a game legitimately! I know X-Men on NES sucks hard, but the point is to persevere through the bad controls and garbage graphics just to see that shitty ending.
Anyway, IG summons the Game Genie, once again played by him (just keep rubbing that salt in, I still prefer Brad Harp, he’ll always be the best Genie. Despite his shoddy acting).
IG commands him to “do his thing” and so he… gives IG a beard. Wha? What sense does that make?
“Whoops, wrong code” What the hell kind of code is that? Oh right, I forgot that in his stupid world, the Game Genie alters reality as well as games. Then why call him a Game Genie? That’s just a regular one. Plus, if he had that power he could do more than the actual Game Genie cheats.
Also, didn’t the Genie have some evil revenge plan? No, I’m not letting that go.
IG cheats his way to finding the keys and faces a stage boss, this one resembling a combination of Quick Man from Mega Man 2 and Captain Boomerang from the DC Universe (this is my comparison, not his. He’s not that clever). He complains that this isn’t an X-Men villain, and wonders if there’s a real one like Mr. Sinister, but then remembers he’s in the Silver Surfer game. Oh hey, referencing a previously reviewed game. Progress!
EDIT: Turns out the Boomerang boss is exactly that, a villain called Boomeraing. He's an obscure Spider-Man villain, and according to the manual it is him. I'd question why this game would include him, but LJN. Thanks to starofjustice for pointing this out.
He beats the boss, and explains how he has to leave the stage before time runs out. He does the same scream he did earlier because… he can’t comprehend the concept of a Load-Bearing Boss. Have you ever played a fucking Metroid game? That’s how Metroid Prime begins, that’s how most (if not all) Metroid games end!
Look, I do think it’s counter-productive to make players walk back the entire stage after beating the boss, but you sound like you’re not familiar with this common video game trope.
IG goes over how the rest of the stages are the exact same thing (I can see actual X-Men villains like Juggernaut and Sabretooth), except for level 2 since it doesn’t have keys. Then he does a weird face and thumbs up, and the Trollface appears over him. I’d say he killed Trollface, but rage comics did that a looooong time ago.
Wait, was that weird face his attempt at Trollface?
6:52 - 8:29: He reaches the final boss, Emma Frost (before her Face-turn) but notices she has shape-shifting powers. IG freaks out because that’s Mystique’s power. Look, by this point you shouldn’t expect consistency. No reason to frea-
Of course, IG does another scream (because Rule of Three), and continues to rant on the inconsistencies, then notes one of the enemies looks like Gleep from the Herculoids. … No they don’t, they nothing like Gleep. He even provides a picture for comparison but I don’t see it.
“That’s right, I went old school for that joke” Good for you, have a cookie. I totally didn’t bake it with thumbtacks.
He reaches the ending, which as you might guess is all text. However, the game is not over as Bores-clops tells him there’s a secret 5th level that can be accessed by a button input code. IG does so, sees the level, growls at Bores-clops, and *sighs* activates the Power of Inferno. Might as well call it the Power of Marty Stu. The, ugh, Inferno turns his shirt red and starts creating power things in his hands. Then Goro shows up out of nowhere, and leaves when he sees what’s going on. That seemed like a reminder that character still exists. Do I add him the tally? Nah, he’s just a sprite.
IG fires the things on his hands at Summers, and reverts back to normal. Defeating Cyclops with ease… actually Cyclops can be a jobber so I’m not counting that as a Mary Sue moment.
Before he continues the game, IG notices his cup is empty and asks Ice-Bores for a refill. He unzips his pants and pisses into the cup. … Do I even have to say it?
8:30 - 9:33: IG wonders why a game would only allow their last level through a secret code (Oh hey, an actual legit point) and wonders where one would find it (read below) and lists off possibilities like the manual, his ass (shot for the ladies I presume) and between the couch cushions. Between the cushions he finds his Orko action figure and yells at, ugh, Little Cousin Joey. He briefly appears coloring in an old Nintendo Power magazine.
By the way, the code to the final level is on the front of the cartridge. Granted, that’s a pretty terrible place to put it, but the developers at least put it somewhere. I found this info on MobyGames, a good place to do research.
After complaining some more, Ice-Bores shows up says it could be a cool Easter Egg (it’s not). I’m not sure if that was a pun or not. Either way, IG doesn’t approve and punches him so hard that he shatters. Wow, if the Irate Gamer was in the Marvel Universe, he’d be a cheaper character than Red Hulk. He’d also be the most hated character of all time.
He explains the level, reaches Magneto, brings up that he doesn’t care anymore, beats the game, and notes that it’s just another text based ending (what else were you expecting?)
The video ends with IG violently taking the game out his NES (seriously, look at how rough he is) and throwing it at Not-Wilson’s head again, who is just recovering from the last physics-defying cartridge.
Cutting back to the Castle of Evil we see the HAL-Bots working on something, as it zooms up we see Evil Gamer and the lead HAL-Bot and we notice in the background is a giant HAL-Bot. Wait, this seriously can’t be the “master plan” can it? The giant HAL-Bot turns on and like the others says “Hello Dave”. Evil Gamer poorly hams it up and the video ends.
I’m counting the different HAL-Bots as three characters so… Characters: 15. Huh, what do you know.
That’s the master plan? Another robot? Oh, but it’s one giant robot instead of an army of human sized robots. I sense one of two things. IG will grow giant and beat it, or ROB will grow giant and beat it. Either way, it will be anti-climactic and THIS IS LAME!
This video was stupid.
To be fair, the review portion wasn’t horrid. Granted, there wasn’t much to say about this game that hasn’t already been said, but it says a lot when the only thing that really annoyed me was the use of Game Genie.
The sketches and story bits on the other hand hurt. All that X-Men stuff was an absolute mindfuck to sit through, I still hate that Bores plays the Genie now, and where the hell is the Wise Sage? It’s been over a year since he last appeared. Despite only two appearances, his portrayal of Storm kind of came off as sexist.
Once again, the story goes nowhere. All the sketches did was establish the Irate Gamer as a bigger Sue than the Sentry and Red Hulk combined. And where’s the Pixel Demon? Unless… unless he’s trying to establish a rogues gallery of sorts. If that’s the case, RUN! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE! *flees*
*comes back* But that’s just a guess. I really don’t know where he’s going. He’d probably establish this easier if he was more consistent with his output and didn’t leave his “haters” guessing what sort of stupid shit he’d do next MONTHS at a time.
That’s all for now. I do wonder what brand of idiocy we’ll see from Bores for Halloween this year.
EDIT: Here's something interesting one of my informants located.
Now, Bores has never been one to talk to or be friendly with other reviewers. Guru Larry was a rare case where he'd willingly talk to him. However, when Larry decided to confront Bores about Johnny Awesome winning a second contest, this is what happened.
Classy. Bringing up a job Larry was fired from.
For the record, Larry never worked for GotGame. No idea where Bores got that idea.