Friday, June 28, 2013

E3 2013 Part 2: Is He Given Any Direction At All?

Last time, in Irate Gamer’s E3 coverage.
Bores gushes over Batman or things that feel like Batman.
He was incapable of understanding why people cheered at Sony’s press conference.
He was inexplicably excited for Halo and Dark Souls 2.
He brushed off Nintendo like it was nothing.

And now, the continuation.

Video #9: Skylanders Swap Force E3 2013 - Epic Interview Part 1 (Review, Preview)
June 22nd 2013
Exclusive to YouTube.

And here’s the Skylanders. No surprise there.
Epic? Pffffft.
Wait, Part 1? *checks time* 12 MINUTES?!
Hell no. I’m not watching this. It’s probably just a bunch of generic questions that amount to nothing new. No. No. No. No. No. NO!

Video #10: Skylanders Swap Force E3 2013 - Epic Interview Part 2 (Kaos’s Mom, TarClops)
June 23rd 2013
Exclusive to YouTube

Once again, no.
I will point out the grammar error in the title. If a word ends with “s”, you merely add an apostrophe by itself. Otherwise you get stuff like “Chris’s”. What’s sad is that this isn’t the first time he’s done this. In that really old “Loyal Order of Chris” video on his Y2B2006 account, there’s a sign that says “Loyal Order of Chris’s”. One would think that they would teach him the correct way considering his name ends with “s”.

I… I just don’t care anymore. The Skylanders obsession is getting tedious.

Video #11: Super Mario Wii-U 3D - E3 2013 Interview Preview.
June 24th 2013

Back to something that isn’t Skylanders.
By the way Chris, how is Mario okay but Zelda needs to be “dark and gritty”. When people say they want Zelda to be like Skyrim or Dark Souls, they’re talking about the gameplay!
I won’t be too hard on him this time since I’m kind of looking forward to this game. Though like many others, I expected a game on the scale of 64 or Galaxy, and we just got an upgraded 3D Land with cats, and the Super Mario Bros 2/US cast with their same abilities. But the Wii U is in such a bad drought right now that I’ll take it. Plus, I like cats.

Of course, Bores calls the game “Super Mario World 3D” instead of “3D World”.
“I don’t think we can fit another anagram in there!” … You have no idea what an anagram is do you?
“I like it a lot better than uh Mario Wii U” I know he’s referring to New Super Mario Bros. U but… ugh it sounds so wrong.

Bores gushes over how the game harkens back to the old school for people like him. I thought you hated Super Mario Bros. 2? You made an entire video on it, it’s the one that GOT YOU NOTICED!
He mentions they “brought back” the Fuzzies from Super Mario World. You need to play more Mario games because the Fuzzies showed up in a lot more titles. All the Paper Mario games for instance, along with recent outings like Galaxy 2 and 3D Land .
“If I got it wrong, don’t send me a bunch of e-mails” No you got it right, but you’re still going to get a bunch of angry e-mails over other things. Especially since you’re bleeding subscribers.

Slightly off-topic, but GotGame’s E3 Awards are called the “Epic Win Awards”. … Yeah, that should give you a clue about how their site is run.

Video #12: Super Mario Wii-U 3D (Level 2-1) E3 2013 Gameplay
June 25th 2013
Exclusive to YouTube

Just like Mario Kart 8, we have more footage of Bores trying out the games.
Something I forgot to mention about the Mario Kart 8 footage. Bores suuuucks at the game. Like, really sucks. He keeps crashing into walls, he uses power-ups at the wrong time, it was a train wreck.
So does Bores fare any better here? Hell no! He is utterly terrible. No idea what he’s doing, the person playing Luigi is carrying him.

By the way, no sound again. Was it that hard to add music or post-commentary? Something like this:

Video #13: Super Mario Wii-U 3D (Level 1-5, 4-2) E3 2013 Gameplay Interview Preview.
June 25th 2013
Exclusive to YouTube

Another silent gameplay video. The title is a lie, there’s no interview here to be found.
Also, it’s called “Super Mario 3D World”, not “Super Mario Wii U 3D”. Do some fucking fact-checking dumbass.

Video #14: Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze - E3 2013 Interview Preview
June 25th 2013

Here’s Donkey Kong. Wonder why he didn’t mention it in the overall recap video from before.
He opens the interview saying he felt the last game was “missing something”. Didn’t you heap piles of praise onto it? I remember your review was gushing about how it’s such an “awesome upgrade that stays true to the ca-lassics” or some buzzword-filled crap like that. Then again, you didn’t play past World 2 so…

Other than that, lazy lazy interview. In fact it’s the shortest one. Characters, power-ups, same old shit.

Video #15: Dying Light - E3 2013 Interview Preview
June 26th 2013

Huh… didn’t see that coming. A zombie first-person shooter. Especially since Bores has avoided talking about FPS games since he complains they give him motion sickness.
*reads description* “The New Zombie Game from Warner Brothers” Actually, WB is just publishing. Development is being done by Techland, whose recent titles include Call of Juarez: The Cartel (gross), Call of Juarez: Gunslinger, Dead Island and Dead Island Riptide. Oooh boy…
Why are you showing interest in Dying Light? Didn’t you say you hated Dead Island and that it also gave you motion sickness?

Oh wow, it’s shorter than the Donkey Kong video.
Yeah… whole lot of nothing. Enemies, weapons, the game itself doesn’t even sound that exciting.
I do love how the developer was promoting that not only do fight zombies, you fight humans too. Yeah, that happened in The Last of Us, and that’s a better game. I know not to “judge a book by its cover”, but Techland’s resume leaves a lot to be desired.

Video #16: Magic 2014 mtg Duels of the Planeswalkers - E3 2013 Interview Review
June 26th 2013
Exclusive to YouTube

Oh great… more Magic the Gathering. At least he spelled “duels” right this time.

*watches video* I didn’t understand a thing about that. I’ll have to consult my experts.

My experts couldn’t find much wrong. Just a usual boring interview. Figures.

Video #17: Marvel LEGO - E3 2013 Interview Preview
June 27th 2013

Yep, new Lego game… He never talked about Lego Lord of the Rings, did he?

Bland bland bland bland…
“You’ve done a lot of DC properties” All two of them. Lego Batman 1 and 2. Unless we’re in an alternate universe where Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Harry Potter are DC properties.
Oh that’s right, Disney owns both Marvel and Star Wars now. Hilarious.
The rep says there’s 70 characters in the game. Really? I’m reading there’s 120. Which is it?
So much blaaaaaah *reads Wiki article* Oh sweet, Agent Phil Coulson is in the game.

Video #18: Diablo 3 Multiplayer! - E3 2013 Interview Preview
June 28th 2013

I would say I’m surprised, but he’s mentioned Diablo in the past. Like when he compared it to Castlevania Portrait of Ruin. Man… he sucks at comparisons.

Bores mentions he didn’t play Diablo III on PC because of the rumors about a console version. So if he’s willing to play PC games, why doesn’t he review them?
He also brings up the multiplayer. A feature Bores will ignore if he ever reviews this game.
“I heard you don’t have to be online to play multiplayer?” Well, not everyone since there’s LAN, but considering you have no friends, you’ll need to be online.
Gauntlet comparison…
Bores claims he remembers the original Diablo port on PS1, saying the controls were clunky. Either Steve told him this… or he really did play Diablo. What is he?

Maybe Bores really did play Diablo. There are people out there that have only played World of Warcraft, or Call of Duty. But that’s the thing, they’ve only played that one game, they know they’re not hardcore gamers. So why does Bores pretend to be hardcore? Why does he pretend to be an expert? Years ago I saw SWAGshow defend that, saying “he’s not a hardcore gamer”. Then why is he pretending to be a know-it-all with that “History of Video Games” crap? By the way, it’s been over 15 months since Bores released Part 5 of that. He still expects people to take this seriously?

Anyway, last video for this post.

Video #19: Disney’s Fantasia - (music evolved for Kinect) E3 2013 Interview Preview
June 28th 2013
Exclusive to YouTube

Fucking Kinect game? Seriously Bores? You can’t use it in your room! I’ve seen the room you do your videos, it is tiny! By the way, you never did talk about Kinect Star Wars since E3 2011. What happened, did the fact that you were the only person above the age of eight to like that game scare you?

I’ll be honest, when I heard the title I thought this could have been interesting. Making Fantasia set pieces set to all kinds of classical music. Then I saw the trailer, and I heard Bruno Mars. Yeah this is going to suck… Harmonix has fallen hard.

We actually get some footage of Bores playing, and good lord this game looks awful. Hey Harmonix, remember when you tried to get people to play real guitar with the “Pro Guitar” in Rock Band 3? Now we have… fireworks.
“This game is amazing” You know nothing Bores.
Then he compares it to Guitar Hero, but says it’s not like Guitar Hero. Ow, this hurts my brain.
Bores’ ADD must love the flashy colors, because this still looks terrible.
He asks if there’s Disney characters, and the rep goes into some schlock about music and interactivity. That’s funny, I heard Mickey and Yen Sid are going to be in the game. Fuck when is Kingdom Hearts III coming?

Bores urges everyone to check it out, and we end on more footage of him playing. When will he see Kinect is just a terrible gimmick?

It’s Friday so it’s time to post this. Aaagh, how much longer do we have of this?

Friday, June 21, 2013

E3 2013 Part 1: Let Slip the Dogs of Console War

Servers crashing, fan boys raging, PR thrown everywhere. Yep, it’s the Electronic Entertainment Expo.

As per usual, GotGame took the little money they had and brought Chris Bores over to LA to conduct more awkward interviews asking things that anyone could figure out with common sense. All while his 10 year old fans lap that shit up.

I’ll mark the date the video was posted to GotGame or YouTube, whichever comes first. This post will go up when I see fit. Probably after 8-9 videos (maybe).

Video #1: Sony Press Conference Reaction
June 11th 2013

This isn’t actually a Bores video, it’s a Steve Masters video. But Bores is in it, and I feel it’s worth talking about. They’re also joined by SWAGshow, who decided to show up this year.
When Steve introduces Bores, he yells “GAME ON” out of nowhere. Does he seriously think people associate that phrase with him? Was there really any reason to yell it out? Oooh this is going to be a long month…
As I watch the video, I realize why they keep Bores around. Steve also has no idea what he’s talking about. Claiming PS4 has backwards compatibility because they announced used games support. …That is not even close to what that is. PS4 is not backwards compatible with your old games. Well, Sony did announce plans to release old games through Gaikai, but that‘s not true backwards compatibility. You can’t grab your disc copy of Uncharted 2 and put it in your PS4 and expect to play it. No wonder Steve keeps Bores around, he probably thinks his research is accurate.

They also mention that PS4 wins because of the price. Neglecting to mention the Xbox One’s many MANY anti-consumer measures. Honestly, the only one I expect to know that is SWAG…
UPDATE: As of June 19th, Microsoft announced they will drop the used games DRM and 24 hour online requirement. Kinect is still mandatory though. I highly recommend you do not forget they tried to do this and stay vigilant.

Bores reads his thoughts from a notepad he brought with him, otherwise this stuff would go right over his head. After all, he’s not actually a gamer. I love how Steve comments PS4 won because of price, then asks Chris what he thinks, and he just looks at his notepad and repeats the exact same thing.

His most anticipated game from the conference was Arkham Origins because “Batman”. I’d be weary of that game everyone, the development is not being handled by Rocksteady Studios.
He also liked Assassin’s Creed IV because … it was cool. Even though he never played the first three. I’m not being snarky, he actually says in the video he never played the first three games.
Hold on, last year he did an E3 video on Assassin’s Creed III. Did he not consider at any point “Maybe I should play more of the games I talked about E3...”. I do remember that on Facebook, he was complaining that Ubisoft wasn’t sending him free games. How cute, he thinks he has enough cred to get free games.

So, let’s see what Chris’ first solo video is like.

Video #2: Irate Gamer Dualing (sic) Roundup Report
June 17th 2013

A week after the last video was posted. Look Chris, when you advertise your E3 coverage is going to begin on June 11th, I expect it to begin on June 11th. Not a video you happened to be in, or the other videos from your GotGame handler, your own coverage.

By the way, it’s spelled “dueling” with an E. Wow, first solo video and we’re off to a bad start.
Sounds like this will be his recap of the MS and Sony conferences and the Nintendo Direct.

We open on Bores in the Sony conference after it finished up.
He starts with “Batman O-Ridge-Ins”. Yes, that is actually how he just pronounced “Origins”. You know, I thought you ran out of surprises Bores but this… this is astonishing. He said the same thing as the last video, he’s a fan and Black Mask is “coo’”
Then he moves to the PS4, shows Tretton’s announcements (he probably doesn’t understand why this caused applause) then… sends it to second Chris that’s at the Microsoft conference? Wait what?

“We’re at the Xbox Press Conference that just got done” How? If Chris is trying to give the impression this is “live”, then the Xbox conference should have ended HOURS ago! MS did theirs first in the morning, then Sony did theirs last in the evening. You should have done Microsoft first!
He starts with Metal Gear Solid V which has “cool characters and cinematics”. Anything on how it’s open-world, or Kiefer Sutherland?
Chris comments that he wants to know more about Dark Souls II. Nooooo you don’t. You don’t want to know anything about Demon’s Souls or Dark Souls. If Resident Evil 5’s easy mode was still too hard, Dark Souls II would you turn you into a prison bitch.
He found Ryse: Son of Rome to be “very involved”. Cause Quicktime Events are the pinnacle of “involvement”. Seriously, what did he mean by that? Then he mentions Forza 5.
His pick for the “coolest thing” was the cinematic trailer for Halo (zzzzzz). “I’m not sure if this is a remastering of the very first game or what” They already did that! They released an HD remaster two years ago! I love when he says he’s up to date with gaming trends but says ignorant stuff like that. By the way, it’s clearly Halo 5 because they announced it along with Halo 6 when they announced Halo 4.

We go back to Sony Chris as he once again mentions what Tretton said along with the prices of the two consoles. Again, I’m not sure he really understands how Sony was “undercutting Microsoft”. He probably just thinks it’s a price thing, or SWAGshow said something like “Sony just owned Microsoft” and he went along with that.
He said he’s looking forward to Dark Sorcerer. Wait, the tech demo with the old man that revealed at the end to be on a movie studio? That’s not a game. It’s like the PS3 Final Fantasy VII, it was only made to show what the system is capable of.
He mentions Assassin’s Creed IV again, and then brings up Watch_Dogs which he says look cool as you’re doing “hacker things with the internet and all that jazz”. His words.
That’s it? What about Infamous Second Son, Knack, Killzone Shadow Fall, all the indie games, Elder Scrolls Online, Destiny, Kingdom Hearts III?!

Then it cuts to a third Chris over at Nintendo. Was all this necessary? You really couldn’t just film three separate videos and show them back to back? You had to edit in this stupid news anchor shtick?
“This is Chris Bores live from the Nintendo Press Conference that just wrapped up!” What press conference? Nintendo didn’t have a live press conference this year, they had a streamed video.
He jumps right to Super Smash Bros and how Mega Man is a playable character.
“We all know him from the original uh Nintendo NES console” Good lord… this is so awkward. He then mentions the other two characters (Wii Fit Trainer and Villager from Animal Crossing).
He brings up Mario Kart 8 and Pikmin 3 then… signs off. What? That’s it?! What about The Wonderful 101, Bayonetta 2, The Legend of Zelda Wind Waker HD, or Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze? Especially the last one since you liked DKCR so much. Unless he played past World 2 and found out how crazy hard it was.

Then it cuts back to Sony Chris again and he signs off. What a lazy recap!
Then there’s a blooper… this E3 marathon is going to suck.

Video #3: Ducktales E3 2013 Review Coverage
June 18th 2013

Makes sense, DuckTales: Remastered is cashing in on nostalgia and Bores always falls for that trap.
I also see that he still doesn’t know the difference between a “review” and a “preview”. You’ve been doing this for how long?

First interview and it’s about as generic as it usual is. Characters, voice actors, length, that was about it. Some odd questions like if the voice acting sessions were fun (which the rep obviously didn’t know because he wasn’t there) and if there’s material taken from the comic books.
At one point, the rep says there’s new content, and later in the interview, Bores asks if there’s new content. … Listen!

Video #4: E3 2013 Alice in Chains Jerry Cantrell Ubisoft Conference Rocksmith 2014
June 19th 2013
Exclusive to YouTube

This… was pointless. It’s just a recording of Jerry Cantrell’s performance at the Ubisoft conference. That’s it. You can find this exact same clip in better quality all over YouTube. Does Bores not realize that these conferences are streamed to everyone and aren’t private showings?

Video #5: Batman Arkham Origins E3 2013 Review Coverage
June 19th 2013

No surprise here.
And he still can’t pronounce “Origins” correctly. Is that an accent quirk because I have never heard that.
He mentions the ending of Arkham City but doesn’t spoil it, he probably just read what happened since he didn’t beat the game for his Neo review.
“I’m sure there will be Easter Eggs” It’s a sandbox game, no shit there will be Easter Eggs.
Yeah… run-of-the-mill generic interview. I would have asked if WB Games Montreal could handle this game considering Arkham City Armored Edition had major framerate issues and Rocksteady isn’t working on the title.

Video #6: Mario Kart 8 Wii-U E3 2013 Interview
June 20th 2013

Oh hey, he didn’t call it a review. Progress.
*reads description* “Checking out this long awaited title” Long-awaited? Since when exactly? Since the last Mario Kart? Mario Kart 7 came out a year and a half ago. Not really a long time.

“It’s been a really long time since we’ve seen a Mario Kart game for a console” Oh he meant on consoles because apparently handhelds no longer count. You should realize by now that Nintendo releases only one Mario Kart game per console. Once MK8 comes out, no more Mario Karts until the next new console/handheld (whichever comes first).
Chris comments on new power-ups and mentions the Fire Flower. That’s not new, it was in Mario Kart 7. Maybe if you bothered to play it…

The rep mentions being able to race with up to 12 people online, and Bores compliments that as a “major upgrade”. It’s not, 12 players was possible in Mario Kart Wii, and you played that game! I remember that review, it had you whining about the “lame intro” for no reason.
“I’m really Chain-Chomping at the bit for this game!” Uggggggggggggggggggggggh. Don’t encourage him Nintendo rep!
The video ends with a clip of his racer falling into water. Ha! Then it’s ruined by a staged “shocked” reaction.

Video #7: Mario Kart 8 Wii-U (3 Stages) Play through E3 2013 (no audio) IG plays Review
June 21st 2013
Exclusive to YouTube

Good lord that’s a long title.
And I see he’s back to calling things that aren’t reviews “reviews”. So much for progress. Hell, he even mentions the Mario Kart 8 interview in the description and calls it a review. Ugh.
Anywho, it’s as the title says. It’s footage of Mario Kart 8 with no audio. Pointless really if you watched E3 coverage.

Video #8: Sonic Lost World Wii-U E3 2013 Interview Preview
June 21st 2013

*reads description* “The newest Sonic Installment races back to the wii-u” Back to the Wii U? This is the first Sonic game for the system. No, Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed doesn’t count, that’s a racing game. This is the first official Sonic plat former a/la Sonic Colors or Generations. Had he said “races to the Wii U” I wouldn’t have called this out.

At first, it’s just the usual blaaaaah.
Then the rep spoils part of the story. Thanks asshole, it’s not like I was actually interested in Sonic meets Mario Galaxy.
Bores mentions the Deadly Six are the first new memorable villain since Knuckles in Sonic 3. What about Chaos in Sonic Adventure? He was pretty memorable. Granted, that would imply Bores has played Sonic Adventure and hasn’t made it obvious the first 3D Sonic game he played was Unleashed.

At the end, the rep mentions their three-game partnership with Nintendo and that the third game is a mystery. Bores comments “now there’s a spoiler”. How? That’s been known since Sonic Lost World was announced.

*checks calendar* Oh it’s Friday. I think I’ll post a new E3 recap every Friday until he’s done.
What will happen next? Will Bores look at a first-person shooter? Will he praise the Xbox One’s now gone DRM policies (keep in mind this content was filmed before that announcement) Will I give a fuck?

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Reminder: E3 starts on June 10th

It's almost that time again. Where everything about the next year or two in gaming is revealed.
This year is going to be special as it's new console time. With Microsoft manage to win back the people after a disastrous reveal and the information that followed? Will Sony show what the PS4 is truly capable of? Will Nintendo finally give people a reason to buy Wii U, while reimbursing current owners with an Ambassador program similar to the 3DS? We'll just have to wait and see.

The chaos begins next Monday at 12 PM Eastern, 9 AM Pacific with Microsoft's conference. If the last two years are anything to go by, it's going to be a Kinect-tinted trainwreck.

Of course, Bores is going because GotGame is run by morons that won't pay for the actual talent to go. Aqualung? ReviewTechUSA? Yuriofwind? Give these people a chance and leave Bores in the dust.

I predict his videos will start going up the Monday after the event ends (June 17th), which at this point would be pointless since everything he'll cover will have been on the internet for days.

That's it for now. If your tolerance of console fanboys is low, avoid the internet next week.