Saturday, August 31, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Slowy McSlow

Last week on “News that’s all that and a bag of potato chips”
Gamescom? Is that something you eat?
Oh hey, the Irate Gamer Game is out. It’s shit!

What will this week bring?

Stories from August 26th 2013

“Monster Cereals: Target Gets Classic Themed Boxes Exclusive!”

At least the week isn’t starting off with Skylanders.
This is still really dumb though. Nothing more than a nostalgia cash grab for people like Bores that fall for anything from their childhood. It’s like all the people excited for the new Killer Instinct and Strider. Those games are going to suck!

“Can’t wait to dig into some Yummy Mummy after a few decades of waiting!" A few decades? That would be like 30-40 years right? Yummy Mummy was discontinued in 1993, that’s 20 years ago. Had you said a “couple decades” then I wouldn’t bring this up.

“The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug Teaser Trailer Done in LEGO’s”

As the title says, it’s a video of The Desolation of Smaug trailer done in Lego. Basically, another “cool video” post. How about that PS4 Chris?

“Next up, The LEGO Irate Gamer show playset with exclusive Ronnie the Skeleton!” In your dreams Chris. Well, maybe you’ll get one of those cheap Lego alternatives that nobody likes.

“Diablo 3: Reaper of Souls Expansion pack Comes to Consoles”

Okay, that headline is wrong. It’s not confirmed at all.

“Well that comment in the interviewing world is called a ‘I’m confirming it in a non-confirming kind of way’ move.” Well in the gaming industry, that’s called “Take it with a grain of salt until they 100% confirm it”.

“Disney Princesses – Capcom Game Fighting Character Sprites”

Some people just have way too much free time.

“Want a Capcom fighting game of Disney Princess’s?” I prefer if Capcom stopped sucking ass and chasing the Western dollar with garbage like Resident Evil 6 and DmC. Also, it’s spelled “Princesses”.
“Yes it’s on my top 10 most wanted games ever too!” Your attempts at sarcasm bore me as much as your videos.
“Ariel looks pretty badass with that trident. Unfortunately she’s always hitting me with that thing whenever I snap her sexy bra strap on her back. I’ll never learn!” …. Ew. Why would you do that? Also, people tend to forget the fact that Ariel is 16 years old!
UPDATE: Seems he slightly edited the article, now it no longer says “sexy bra strap”. Just “bra strap”. That still doesn’t help.

Other stories:
“The United States Of Fast Food Chains”

Stories from August 27th 2013

“Gamestop Managers Receiving both ps4 and Xbox360. WHAT?!”

What’s the big deal about them getting Xbox 360? They’ve been out for yea- You confused it with the Xbox One didn’t you? *sighs* You‘re a moron.

“Stop the presses! Get me a job at Gamestop!” Considering how often there are employees that have no idea what they’re talking about… you’d actually fit.
“The managers working there will be getting Ps4′s and xbox360′s this holiday season.”  Again, it’s the Xbox One, not the 360. Considering you’re confused, I get the feeling the average consumer will be as well. Just like the Wii and Wii U. Companies really need to stop giving their consoles the dumbest names.

“Someone get me a job application! I need a manager position and stat!” HAHAHA no. You will never be a GameStop manager. Never in a million years. Besides, it’s not like you’re actually going to pay for them, your sugar daddy GotGame is going to give you them for free, just like the Wii, 360 and PS3 they gave you.
“News also coming out is that games will also be given with the console: Killzone: Shadowfall, NBA 2K14, Madden, FIFA 14, Need for Speed: Rivals, Battlefield 4 and Beyond: Two Souls.” Couple of problems with that list. There’s no Xbox One exclusives, and Beyond: Two Souls isn’t coming to PS4, it’s a PS3 game.

“New Todd McFalane Spawn Movie to Start Production Next Year?”

You mean Todd McFarlane right? You see the red line underneath words? That means they’re spelled incorrectly, and you should probably check them out.

“Simpsosn Tapped Out: App Game Adds New Characters”

Again? Another typo? Proofread! Don’t rush!

Other stories:
“Legend of Zelda: Custom Link Mecha Toy”

Stories from August 28th 2013

“Final Fantasy 14 Servers Overloaded, Internet Sales Halted”

“Seems like Square should’ve gotten their ducks in a row before launching the new game.” Okay, couple of things.
This is their second attempt at Final Fantasy XIV, after the first attempt was a massive failure. They made sure to take their time and not rush out a half-baked product.
As for the servers, this is a brand new MMO from one of the biggest franchises in the world, thousands of people were probably on it. If Blizzard released World of Warcraft 2, I wouldn’t be surprised if the servers broke down within the first 12 hours.

“Good thing Square never sent me a copy, I’d be adding to the misery by making it a true FINAL fantasy” Huh? Why would Square-Enix do that? Nobody but GotGame (and maybe Tecmo) sends you games.
And what does that last part mean? Was that your attempt at being badass and saying you would destroy the game? So lame, and idiotic if you consider they would send him a download code and he would be destroying his computer.

“No Irate Gamers Here: 2013 World Yo-Yo Champion Announced”

What the hell kind of headline is that? Is he trying to say there’s more than one Irate Gamer? Is he trying to say that people wouldn’t get angry at yo-yo competitions? Is he attempting to do that “No words, only x” line related to “rustled jimmies”?

“Here at theIrateGamer Channel, we report on all gaming facets of life” You’re not a channel, you’re a blog. YouTube is your channel and you do jackshit with it. Also, if you report on all gaming facets of life, WHY HAVEN’T YOU MENTIONED THE PS4’S RELEASE DATE?!

*reads tags* One of them says “make love to that yoyo bro”. Is that a reference to something? I’ve never heard it.

“Sonic the Hedgehog: Custom Sonic Mecha Toy”

“I thought I could rest from Mech news today, but NO WAY Irate Gamer!” He’s referring to the Zelda mech story I mentioned above. Why did he say his name here?
“Not sure how they do this but I’m digging it.” They custom make them. I’m not sure how that’s so hard to figure out.

Other stories:
“Simpsons Theme Park at Universal Studios Orlando Includes Moe’s, Krusty Burger, and MORE!”

Stories from August 29th 2013

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows Video Game Trailer”

“This game looks pretty damn cool” Really? With the ugly art style?
“features “hyper-realistic 3D-style,” “true-to-life” environments”” Activision is the king of buzzwords.

Other stories:
“Crazy Japanese Horse Racing Online Game”
“Play Arts Kai – New Batman and Arkham City Joker Figures Look Awesome”
“Magic the Gathering: Heroes vs. Monsters Duel Decks Spoilers”
“Skylanders Swap Force – 3DS Version w/ Volcanic Eruptor, Rattle Shake, Free Ranger,”

Stories from August 30th 2013

“Star Wars Han Solo Frozen In Carbonite Refrigerator Doors”

“You’ve gotta appreciate this, Han Solo frozen in carbonite refrigerator/freezer doors.” *looks at it* Meh. I think I’m just tired of Star Wars.
“I want to put these on my refrigerator doors now. I’m sure my girlfriend will enjoy seeing that. I can hear her now…”Not in my Kitchen!”” That’s… healthy.

“Custom Monty Pyton And The Holy Grail LEGO Sets”

Hasn’t the internet gotten tired of Monty Python and the Holy Grail yet? No? *sighs*
By the way, nice typo in the headline. Again.

“Beating LEGO to the punch” Lego was never going to make a Monty Python set. It would have been about as likely as a Friday the 13th set, or a Predator set, or a Ted set (the Seth McFarlane movie).

“Resident Evil: Haunted Maze added to Universal Orlando’s Halloween Horror Nights 2013”

You know, PAX is going on right now. One would think that would be worth covering. But nope, just some Resident Evil thing at Universal Studios that’s only going to be around for a month or two.

“I’ve gotta move to Florida. They’ve got all the cool attractions!” You just figured that out? Also, no you don’t. Nobody wants to live in Florida. It’s full of crazies.

Other stories:
“Magic the Gathering Dules of the Planeswalkers 2014 First Expansion Releases Sept 18”

That’s all for this week. It was a weird one, with less video game stories than usual, and Thursday was just a whole lot of nothing. Do you think he'll ever mention the PS4's release date?
No videos again, I really do wonder how he keeps his fan base.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Irate Gamer Game is Now Available. Abandon All Hope Ye Who Download

Welp, it finally happened, after years of jokes and ridicule, the fabled Irate Gamer Game is here.

Available only on iOS platforms, the full game will cost you $4 dollars (or 2.49 pounds over in the UK) but there is a Lite version for free. Basically, it's more expensive than acclaimed games like Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja, Plants vs. Zombies, World of Goo, and many more. GTA: Chinatown Wars costs the same on iOS, but that's a vastly bigger game, is a port of a game that was on DS and PSP.
Not to mention all the free games available with more content like Simpsons Tapped Out and Tetris Blitz.

First big problem is the name on iTunes. It's not called "The Irate Gamer Game", it's called "TIGG". Nobody knows what that means, and people browsing the App Store are just going to pass by it without a second glance.

I'll bring up one of the game's only positives. The artwork in the comic book style cutscenes is actually pretty good. Whoever did it, your talent is wasted and you can do better things than this.

Seems the first review on iTunes came from Chris himself, who claims he's a big fan of Irate Gamer and Chris Bores (You know how producers say they are their own biggest critic? Chris is the opposite, he's his own biggest fan). He also mentions that it includes "artwork from the show". Does Chris not watch his own show? This artwork has never shown up anywhere.
In case the review gets deleted, Shaolin Dave has provided a screencap of it.

But how does the game play? Well, Guru Larry has checked out the Lite version and has provided me with his impressions of it. His comments are in blue (with some paraphrasing to fix some things up).

"It's unintuitive. There's a pit in the first level you assume you have to jump as there's nothing telling you otherwise. But no, you need to walk off the edge, which activates a hang glider mode where he just floats across. The game said nothing about this and I discovered it by accident. Why can't you just hold down the jump button to get across?"

"Also, the hang glider backfires as it activates every time you jump down a platform or fall to your death"

"You can't jump and shoot at the same time." To me, this sounds like one of the game's biggest sins. How do you make a 2D platformer where you can't jump & shoot at the same time?

"The only enemies in the game are those HAL things and land mines"

"It's way too generous with health refills (or Kool Aid jugs). Some appear literally every time you encounter an enemy."

"There's ladders and ropes in the game, but you can't use them as there's no Up or Down buttons, they're just decoration."

"There are no checkpoints. You need to finish an entire level in one go, made worse as everything bar the land mines and HAL robots kill you in one hit"

"There's invisible walls in the floating platform segments"

"And the boss of the first world is TWELVE HAL robots, there's no other enemies in the game from the show."

Wow, the game sounds like a hot mess. This does not surprise me.
Just like I predicted, this will get lost in the deluge of shitty iOS games. A $4 dollar price tag for something that looks like it should be free with dreadful controls and lack of variety. What a joke.

If anyone is brave enough to download, post your impressions in the comments. If you're capable of making a video review, that would be even better.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play a real game with controls that work and gameplay that's fun *boots up Pikmin 3*

Saturday, August 24, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Gamescom? Is That Some New Website?

Last week on “GotGame is seriously funding this crap?”
Wait, Pokemon is popular? Well then, I’m going to be the Pokemon Master!

What will this week bring?

Stories from August 19th 2013

“Skylander Figures Top Selling Action Figure In U.S. & Europe in 2013”

And we once again start the week with a Skylanders story. Jeeeeez. Do you think he’ll mention anything about Gamescom?

“I knew Activision would have a hit ion there hands” The “ion” typo is bad enough, but it’s not “there” it’s “their”. “A hit on their hands”, “There are many Skylanders articles on IG‘s site” “His fans? They’re tired of his lack of videos”
“And even more interesting, Skylanders Giants was the #1 best-selling console and hand-held game overall in dollars.” Ever consider that has to do with the games being more expensive than every other game? $70-90 dollars compared to $60? Just saying.
“I’ll probably get most of them for Youtube channel/Webpage usage, but I for see parents and kids alike slowing down on ‘having to catch them all’ with this installment.” So, you’re “forced” to spend money on toys yet you complain when you can’t get free games? You complain on Facebook when Nintendo and Ubisoft won’t send you Pokemon or Assassin’s Creed, yet at the first sign of new Skylanders you shout “Shut up and take my money!” I think your priorities are screwed up Mr. Irate “Gamer”

For some reason, the picture used for this article is a picture of himself sitting at his table with a bunch of Skylanders. Apparently, just using photos of the boxes or figures was not enough and he had to include his ego in there.

“X-Men: Days of Future Past Cast Picture Revealled (Wolverine, Charles Xavier, Beast)”

Revealed is spelled with one “L”, not two.

“Nicolas Hoult as Hank McCoy” You also got his name wrong, it’s spelled “Nicholas”, like author Nicholas Sparks, and Nicholas Briggs, the voice of multiple Doctor Who monsters. You confused it with Nicolas Cage.
(…) been unearthed by those geeky internet trolls that can hack into anything. God bless them!” Until they decide to hack your stuff, then they’re the scum of the earth. Pretty sure that’s not how the photo was found.
Also, trolls are hackers? Logic.

“Monster Cereals Return, along with Yummy Mummy & Fruit Brute?!”

Aw crap, I knew he would notice this.
Last Saturday, “harryhenry” linked this Tumblr post in my comments.
Yeah, it looks like General Mills is bringing back Fruity Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute, the two monster cereals they discontinued.
“Will it taste the same? I’m sure that will be a resounding no, but I’ll probably pick one up anyway” Chris, do you know why these cereals were discontinued? I’ve never had Yummy Mummy, but I’ve talked to people that did and they all say it sucked. They got rid of it because people tried it, they hated it, and they stopped buying it.
Yes, they probably changed the recipe, but the monster cereals only come out during autumn. More people gravitate towards the first three so I don’t see the returning cereals lasting that long.

At first, I was going to criticize Bores for misspelling Fruit Brute in the tags as “Frute Brute”. But I took a closer look at the picture and saw that’s what General Mills are calling it now. That’s just weird.

“Captain N and the New Super Mario World Complete Series Show – Collector’s Edition DVD”

Ewwww. Well, at least the YouTube Poop crowd will be happy. Wait, what am I saying? They prefer low quality clips for added distortion.

“Good News Old School Mario fans!” Not really good news, most people hated these shows. Maybe it’s good news for you since that’s where all your video game knowledge comes from.

“New Irate Gamer Episode Very Soon!”

By the time this post goes up, I will have covered the episode.

“Unless something crazy happens like an Internet outage or Godzilla destroys the city” You don’t even live in Japan.
“The Evilness ensues!” Urrrrrgh.

UPDATE: Chris updated the post when he released the episode.
“the Evilness outside his house ensues bringing this story arc to one crazy boil!” More like an annoying boil on my back.
Why is “evilness” capitalized? Is that the name of Shadow Overlord’s little group? Would have been nice if you established that!

Here's the recap:

Other stories:
“Animated GIF – Global Internet Usage Throughout 24 hours”

Stories from August 20th 2013

“Batman: Arkham Origins – The Batcave Revealed”

“Now Warner Bros. has dropped us some great pictures of the Batcave, something that hasn’t really been explored in previous Arkham games.” Incorrect. While not the actual Batcave, there was a spare Batcave used in Arkham Asylum.
“Will it contain the giant penny? Robin suits? the Bat Bathroom Urinal?” There wouldn’t be any Robin suits, Arkham Origins takes place when Batman was young, before he recruited Dick Grayson or any wards for that matter. Also, more toilet humor! I love how he specifies they’re “bathroom urinals”. As opposed to what, kitchen urinals?

“Super Mario-64 / Old Spice Guy – Hilarious Video Mashup”

*looks up video through YouTube search* Six months old.

“Remember that crazy old spice guy from the commercials? Someone spliced him into a Mario Themed crazsy commercial causing all sorts of hilarious madness.” So, he spells “crazy” correctly once, and then gets it wrong the second time. Too many typos!
I watched the video, and it’s nothing more than a YTP Remix. You know, Gamescom started today. Anything about that?

“The Swords of Legend of Zelda Poster”

By the way Bores, there’s a new 3DS Zelda coming in a few months. Aren’t you ever going to mention that? Or the Wind Waker HD for Wii U? No?

What’s weird is that Bores quoted the artist’s dA description but somehow botched it. There’s random capitalization all over IG’s site, none of it matching up with the original post. Did Bores fail at copy-pasting it and wrote it by hand?

“Hats off to you Brian, Heres some rupees for your trouble. Don’t go spending them all in one place now…because they are fake. muhahaha! *runs away*” Why would you even have fake Indian currency? Oh, you didn’t know that Rupees were actually a real thing? And you call yourself a history buff.

“Mega Man Coolness – Supermarket Shaped Ground Meat”

I should mention that at the time Chris posted this, the news of PS4’s release date had spread through the internet. Instead, he’s far more interested in posting pictures of food shaped into Mega Man and Cut Man! What a waste.

“The Irate Gamer Game – More Pictures”

This game looks worse and worse. I look forward to the negative reviews.

Other stories:
“Star Trek: The Next Generation – Blu-ray Season 5, and ‘Unification’”

Stories from August 21st 2013

“Capcom Tells us Which games are essentials for Ps3 and XBox 360”

I’d give him praise for talking about a newly announced game (well, compilation) but this news is a week old. Keep up the pace!

“In a daring move, Capcom has told us their most essential games that are must haves for your video game system for their special edition collection.” What’s daring about it? Isn’t this the same thing as a Greatest Hits album? You’re not going to agree with everything they pick as “essential” or “great”. I mean, Resident Evil 6? Really?
“Isn’t that just every blockbuster game they’ve released in the past 3 years?” Hahaha noooo. You’re forgetting Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, DmC: Devil May Cry, Lost Planet 2, Dragon’s Dogma, Asura’s Wrath, Resident Evil 5: Gold Edition and probably some others. Also, Devil May Cry 4 came out five years ago, not three. And would you really consider Mega Man 10 a “blockbuster”?
By the way, they probably picked these games because they’re all PS3/360 games complete with discs or download codes. If you wanted “essentials” that went all the way back to the NES or SNES, buy a Wii U and download them.

If I may digress, why include Super Street Fighter IV? Ultra Street Fighter IV is coming next year. Sure one can just download it to SSFIV, but Capcom knows they can earn more by selling the retail copies. Then again, they seem to think it’s financially reasonable to send out gold-plated DuckTales NES cartridges filled with real shredded money solely to press members, but releasing a retail version of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dual Destinies is “far too risky” despite the Ace Attorney series having a really big following.

“Get me Capcom Marketing on the phone and hire that guy for!” Wow, so much wrong in this one sentence.
I’m not going to deny that Capcom is facing a shitload of problems, but hiring you would be a terrible idea. In so many ways. What exactly would you recommend? Like I said above, stuff from the NES and SNES wouldn’t happen.
And “that guy from (your site)”? You’re the only person that works on it! You have no other writers or personnel. You confuse me so much.

“Multicolored Lobster: 1 in a 50 million Find!”

This article is about exactly what you think it’s about. Rare multi-colored lobster. I’m sorry, isn’t this site supposed to be about video games? Even Kotaku wouldn’t post stuff this pointless.

“So one in a 50 million chance?? those odds must have gone down.” There are multiple species of lobster, millions and millions residing in the ocean, many are caught everyday for human consumption. There’s thousands of fisherman all over the world. Also, it’s possible that these two lobsters were discovered months apart.

“At any rate, fire me up some water. I’m getting hungry for some sea food!” … I really wouldn’t eat the red & blue lobster, or the green & orange lobster.
But I would want to pet the two-faced cat Venus.
Look at her, she’s adorable!

“Batman: Arkham Origins – Super Ultra Collectors Edition Revealed”

“People must love all these different editions of video games because it seems everyone is going the collector’s edition route.” Where the fuck have you been? Publishers have been doing this for years! Every time he says something like this, it feels like he’s been living in a bomb shelter for 30 years and he just got out and all he knew about video games was Pac-Man and Space Invaders.

“Whoa hold the phone, a Knightfall pack? featuring the crazy story arc where Bruce had his back broken by Bane? Whoa I just might have to check that out if its true!” I don’t know… if it means we have to play as Azrael, then I’m not going to like that.

Stories from August 22nd 2013

“Mike Tyson Plays Punchout for NES Nintendo For First Time”

“Nothing like branding your name on something and not even checking out the finished product” Oh I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure Mike Tyson was kind of busy in 1987 being the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world! He didn’t exactly have time to check out a toy for kids.
“(theirategamer line of parachutes come to mind. How was I supposed to know they would explode!)” Wha? Why would parachutes explode? I can understand snapping but exploding? Is this his attempt at being random? Or is this more of his belief that explosions are a good substitute for actual jokes?
And you would know all about quality control with your rushed DVDs and flimsy mouse pads. *checks store* He doesn’t even sell the mouse pads anymore!

“Dang, he even took a beating from Glass joe, GLASS JOE!” You do realize that real life skills do not translate over to video games skills right? I know you’ve been living under a rock, but back when Guitar Hero and Rock Band were popular, there were videos of famous guitarists and rock stars trying their own song in the game and failing. Scott Ian of Anthrax tried Madhouse and failed, all of Rush tried Tom Sawyer and failed. I’m not surprised Tyson couldn’t beat Glass Joe.

“They should’ve just got the cheat code that warped you to the last bout with Tyson and get his reaction on playing against himself.” And of course, Chris Bores’ solution is just to cheat to the end. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

“Diablo 3: Reaper of Souls Opening Cinematic from Blizzard”

I still find his love of the Diablo series weird. It’s so out of place for him.

The cinematic showcased is about the Reaper kicking ass. Leading to this.
“Lets hope Bill and Ted don’t tangle with that guy!” Ugggh, I get the reference but it’s so stupid and out of place. I don’t get how you see Grim Reaper and Bill & Ted is the first thing that comes to mind. Why not Castlevania? Or Darksiders II? Or Grim Fandango? Humoring the idea he even knows what Grim Fandango is.

“2013 Release Dates Confirmed – Mickey Mouse, Rain, Castlevania LoS2”

This article provides some updates on game releases. *looks* I still don’t see The Wonderful 101.

“We’ve got a ton of updated release dates for games for you.” Who’s we? You’re the only one that writes for the site.
“Rain, the game that’s artistically and visually cool looking releases Oct 1” You could easily remove the title and release date and apply that sentence to just about any game. It’s such a vague description.

Other stories:
“Katee Sackhoff Wants to Play Harley Quinn in a Batman Film”
“EPIC 10,000-Piece LEGO Mosaic Of Video Game Characters”

Stories from August 23rd 2013

“Meet the New Batman – Ben Affleck??! WTF!”

Yeah… this news.
My thoughts personally? At first I was very skeptical, but I calmed down and just decided to wait and see. Remember, we all thought Heath Ledger was going to fail as The Joker. Besides, if Affleck ends up doing well, he could redeem what’s going to be a shitty sequel (it has the same team behind Man of Steel, I have zero expectations that this will be good).

“Ugg Did they even watch Daredevil?! Terrible Choice Warner Brothers!! Come on!” Did you watch The Town or Argo? Affleck has become an amazing director. Sure he’s not the best actor but maybe he’s picked up a few tricks since. Of course, his skills will also depend on Zack Snyder’s direction and he’s… just keep expectations low for the whole movie.

“I continue to become depressed at the state of affairs over at DC. I’m a DC guy so I want to see this stuff succeed." Do you even read the comics Chris? All you seem to care about are the movies, and those are still somewhat succeeding. Hell, Man of Steel made money. The comics are in a bad state sure, but unless you’re invested in reading them, then you really shouldn’t talk.

“Lego Marvel Super Heroes – Lego Silver Surfer, Modok, Galactus, Deadpool, etc”

“Gamescom is upon us” Upon us? Today is the last day! Where the hell were you on Tuesday when they announced the release date of the PS4? You still haven’t brought that up!
“and we here and Irate Gamer have all the info” Again, who’s “we”? You keep referring to a “we” but you’re the only writer on the site. Do you have ghost writers? Is Steve Masters doing articles for you? Are you speaking with the Royal “We“? Did you bond with the Venom Symbiote and you have to refer to yourself as “we” from now on?
By the way, Venom is in Lego Marvel Super Heroes. Neat.

Other stories:
“Pirates of the Caribbean 5th Film: Dead Men Tell No Tale”
“Calvin & Hobbes Comics Superimposed Into Real Photos”

That’s all for this week. We saw that Power Rangers video and the continuation of his “epic” story. *shudders* That was… an experience.

We know Bores fails at gathering news, but this week was exceptionally bad. We saw Sony announce the release date of the PlayStation 4, and Bores hasn’t said a damn thing about it. Hell, he just got around to Gamescom four days late. You know what, I don’t care if he thinks it’s legit fan art, turn him into a Slowpoke. He probably wouldn’t realize it’s an insult until it’s far too late.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Go Go Power Rangers, Stop the Irate Gamer!

Oh man, it’s been a while since he’s done any actual videos. The last few months has just been E3, Skylanders, and that Man of Steel vlog that I imagine didn’t take that long to put together. Also the endless news articles about random shit that most of his fans really don’t care about.
It’s been 3 months since his Star Trek review, and considering that this continues his stupid-ass storyline, it’s been 10 months since the X-Men review. Good lord… and I thought he just quit because he clearly wrote himself into a corner.

So, after all that downtime, what’s he going to review? Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for the SNES. Hold on, that’s a good game! A competently made beat-em-up developed by Natsume. Why review this?
Wait, this is continuing his storyline… OH MY GOD NO! *runs to liquor cabinet* I’m going to need all of this.

Let’s do it! *takes a swig*

0:01 - 0:44: We open on the Castle of Evil when a bad green-screen effect bursts through the roof. Actually it’s the Giant HAL-Bot, claiming he’ll “destroy destroy” as Evil Gamer, Shadow Bores and Lead HAL-Bot watch,  the former two delivering their lines horribly. Apparently that 10 months off wasn’t spent improving his acting, that’s for sure. I think its actually gotten worse.

Then it cuts to… Secret Caverns (that’s what it says) where we see the two Monks. The young one says something about the plan being ready and leaves, while the old monk says it’s time to “reveal themselves”. If he’s naked under that robe, I’m leaving.


0:47 - 1:18: We cut to IG who claims he’s in a 90’s mood today so he wants to check out Power Rangers.
He starts the game and right off the bat he starts bitching about the story, saying that all we get is Rita Repulsa looking over the city while the Rangers watch. He’s mad at Bandai for dropping the ball (blame Natsume, they developed it) and that the SNES has enough room on the cartridge to fit a story in.
Oh boy, where do I begin? It doesn’t matter how much room is on the cartridge, there are SNES games with just as little story explained. Donkey Kong Country anyone? Not to mention multiple NES games with even bigger stories like all four Dragon Quests and all three Final Fantasies.
The story actually seems pretty basic. Rita Repulsa is threatening the city, go save the city Power Rangers. You know, like most episodes of the TV show? How is there no story?

1:19 - 2:01: IG gets to the character select screen and lists off the Rangers.
“The damsel in distress Kimberly” It’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure Kimberly wasn’t that much of a damsel in distress. She had her moments sure but it wasn’t her defining characteristic like say Princess Peach. I think Tommy had more moments where he needed rescuing.
He insults Billy, saying his moves look dorky (let’s see you do better), mentions Zack and when he gets to Tommy, he notices that he’s not there. He then wonders how they didn’t get him. If I had to guess, and this is going by Wikipedia, the engine is based on the Famicom tie-in to Choji Sentai Jetman, the Super Sentai series that came before Kyoryu Sentai Zyuranger (the series that was used for MMPR Season 1), and since Jetman did not have a sixth ranger, they didn’t have anything to work Tommy in. Keep in mind the Rangers in the game all have different moves, so I doubt they could just copy-paste Jason and turn him green. But I’m sure there were reasons why he wasn’t there.

He brings up that the Green Ranger didn’t show up in the second or third season, he was introduced in the middle of the first season and even cites the episode number (17). Oh look, he bothered to research. Wait, why did this line remind me of Home Improvement? *thinks* Oh wait, that wasn’t IG, that was the Third Rate Gamer’s parody where he was copying the AVGN’s TMNT rant. … Son of a bitch!
He then wonders if they made the game before Tommy was introduced and they slapped it together really quickly. No, the game came out a year after Power Rangers premiered. MMPR premiered August 1993, the SNES game came out September 1994. I wouldn’t exactly call that rushed. It might have started development the same time the show premiered.
Also, if you want to play as the Green Ranger so bad, play the fighting game on the Sega Genesis. He’s in that one.

2:02 - 2:58: He starts the game, picking Jason, and notices he’s fighting in his street clothes. He claims it doesn’t make sense. Actually it does, fights often started with the Rangers fighting Putties in their street clothes and morphing when things got too hectic, like when the monster of the week showed up.
“It makes as much sense is pissing in a radiator” Toilet humor! Remind me how he doesn’t use it again?
You’ll also notice that he’s doing a poor job and is blaming the game for it. As per usual.

He gets to the boss mid-way through and morphs. Oh, just like the show. He does mention that he’s actually having fun. Are you acknowledging that this isn’t a “poorly constructed game” like you claimed and is actually pretty good?
He lists off the Ranger’s special attacks, ending on the Yellow Ranger and her electric attack, which IG didn’t understand and thinks is an “explosive fart”, complete with added sound effect. More toilet humor!
Apparently he was in an area where the lightning didn’t show up.

2:59 - 3:17: IG notes that it’s a beat-em-up and that all we’ll be doing is “fighting fighting and more fighting” and he wants some variety. Right as he says this, the Red Ranger lifts up a park bench and uses it to destroy a putty. There’s some variation in attack. Does he acknowledge it? Nope! Instead he chastises the Rangers for destroying public property and can’t wait to see that scandal on TMZ. Power Rangers destroy stuff all the time in the show, how is this any different?
Oh  he said that so he could show off a fake newspaper. Not for TMZ, but for the Springfield Shopper. Huh? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call it the Angel Grove Times or whatever their newspaper was called in the show? They didn’t live in Springfield. Also in the corner is something about a mayoral race between Mayor McCheese and the Mayor from Powerpuff Girls. Mayor over what exactly? They live in two separate cities! Is Mayor McCheese trying to take over Townsville? And if this the Springfield Shopper, shouldn’t someone be running against Mayor Quimby? Why are the Power Rangers in Springfield?! Your jokes make no sense!

3:17 - 3:57: He reaches the first boss (Bones from the second episode) and takes out his first form, but starts his second form. We cut to him suffering Pac-Man Fever when- uggggggh, Ronnie has returned. Looks like we’re not rid of him.
Ronnie claims he can beat any skeleton in a video game … I’m not sure how that works but okay. So IG gives him the controller and predictably he fails. Well, that’s what happens when you play games with gloves on, and supposedly no muscles under those gloves. He is supposed to be a skeleton so I imagine his gloves hide nothing but bones. Oh dear lord, I’m trying to apply logic to his characters.
Ronnie somehow manages to pull out the entire SNES console out of the TV. Not sure how he didn’t break anything… and IG takes the console away from him and somehow reconnects it by putting it on the floor. Even though it wasn’t on the floor in previous shots, in fact I’m not sure how Ronnie managed to pull it out without it falling on the fl- FOUR MINUTES IN!
Then Ronnie leaves while saying he wants some Big League Chew. Random… and completely pointless. Oh, and we get a patented glance at the camera from Bores.

3:58 - 5:14: IG beats Bones and moves onto the second level. He complains about the large number of bad guys, comparing it to a 90’s Batman movie. Or the average episode of Power Rangers where they fight off the mooks. Are you sure you watched the show? I mean, he got Green Ranger footage and even looked up what episode Tommy first showed up in.
Also, that really doesn’t look like that many enemies. It’s only two at once. That’s nothing compared to Streets of Rage or Final Fight.
He breezes through a few levels, complaining about the obstacles in each of them. Funny how he complains yet the footage shows him easily avoiding them. It’s almost like this is a decent game and can’t find any realistic flaws.

He reaches the second boss, who he calls a Viking janitor elf. Actually, that’s Gnarly Gnome from episode five but whatever. He compares all his teleporting to Great Tiger from Punch-Out (or as he calls him “the tiger boss”), insults him and wonders how to beat him.
Then *sighs* Not-Wilson shows up out of nowhere and tells him just to punch the air, which ends up working. Despite winning, IG is not happy and yells at Not-Wilson, who gives him a fish, rather a sprite of a Cheep-Cheep. …Why? IG is annoyed and tells him to go away and throws the Cheep-Cheep at his head. Calling it, IG hitting Not-Wilson in the head with things is his running gag for him. It’s not funny of course but… someone must like it. Ugh.

Sidenote: I think Gnarly Gnome’s teleporting might be a callback to his Zyuranger counterpart DoraGoblin, who was invisible to adults unless he was wearing his shoes on the wrong feet. I am most likely wrong.

5:15 - 6:05: Onto Stage 3, where he complains you “swim around like an idiot” and then get stabbed to death “like at the YMCA”. Is that a reference to something? I thought the YMCA was considered a sort of safe place. Notice how he doesn’t try to fight the Putties when he lands, instead wasting time to pull off the Bomb attack. Oh look, the Yellow Ranger’s lightning actually showed up! Aren’t you going to acknowledge that? Nope

He reaches the  boss, who he calls one of the most iconic villains in Power Rangers… but can’t figure out his name. It’s Eye Guy. All the bosses are listed on the games Wikipedia page. You can then cross check that with RangerWiki.
He points out how red Eye Guy’s final eye gets and makes a reference to the Visine commercials. Funny how Ben Stein still has more emotion than you do.

He skips over to Stage 5 where he narrowly avoids a giant blast, saying he almost got his ass blasted. Following that with “I need that for pooping”. That’s three instances of toilet humor in this video. Tell me IG fans, how does he not resort to lowbrow toilet jokes again?
Then… *tips back a drink* Tony shows up. IG wonders how everyone is getting in his house. You write them in for contrived comedy?
Actually, Tony tells him the door is open, and IG yells at him to close it and get out. Our hero, treats his imaginary friends like shit.

6:06 - 7:20: Onto Stage 6 where he gets in the Megazord, which Bores calls the “Ultra Megazord”. That’s… incorrect. The closest to an Ultra Megazord in the first season was the Ultrazord, a combination of the Megazord, the Dragonzord, and Titanus.
IG fights the boss (Mutitus from Episodes 28 and 29, RangerWiki is so great) and he starts gushing since this is like the show, but he starts losing (because he sucks of course) and complains that “this isn’t how it goes in the show”. You do realize that the Rangers don’t always win when they summon the Megazord right? Since this is a video game though, it’s all your fault.
After he loses, he poorly throws his controller through a wall. Dear lord, not only is the acting bad, the effects are horrid. It’s like he didn’t give a shit. More so than usual.

He makes it to the final boss (Cyclopsis from the intended finale Doomsday), beats the first form, then gets pissed that it has a second form, comparing it to DBZ. You act like the final boss having a second form is a rare thing. It’s one of the most common tropes in gaming. RPGs are mocked for having it!
He dies to his second form, and throws another controller through the wall. Same bad acting and effect, then a random appearance of Kool-Aid Man peeking in and claiming he didn’t do it. Oh look, he can say more words. It’s almost like Chris bothered to watch the commercials.

He does manage to beat Cyclopsis (probably through Game Genie) and gets pissed that the ending is nothing more than the Rangers driving back to the soda shop (you mean Youth Center right) and watching Zack dance. Like how most episodes end? Most of them end with the Rangers going to the youth center and whatever conflict was going on earlier is resolved through character moments or Bulk & Skull getting humiliated. Hey there’s Bulk & Skull in the game! Aren’t you going to address them? Nope!
Of course he complains that it’s a bad ending, noting that Zack fight his way through the game and calls it a “Dancing with the Stars audition” You’re really fishing hard for complaints huh?

The video ends with him getting ready to destroy the cartridge when his TV somehow switches inputs and broadcasts an emergency news bulletin with- REALLY? Johnny Newscaster again? Jeez…
He’s reporting the Giant HAL-bot attacking the city and… wow these effects are shameful. Toei should take this and show it to rookie Sentai prop designers on how NOT to destroy buildings. The way he’s destroying them is by pushing them and the image of the building is tipping over. These effects are bad even by his standards. Good lord. And the city is all one image and nothing is right and… how much longer?
Oh yeah, the Giant HAL-bot is telling everyone to surrender to the Shadow Overlord.

Then the X-Men show up, yeah the same ones from the last video.  And to pad for time, they do the exact same roll call. Was this really necessary? Did you think we’d forget who these characters are? I know it’s been 10 months but we’re not that dumb! Also, didn’t Cyclops and Iceman die? How are they back? Don’t say “it’s comic books” because those give explanations. They don’t just show up out of thin air.
Predictably, the Giant HAL-bot crushes the X-Men. Apparently, he wears gym shoes. Really Chris? You’re wearing a full body costume and you had to put on shoes?
Not Kent Brockman gladly surrenders himself to the Shadow Overlord, and the picture in the corner changes to say he sold out. You do realize there’s a difference between surrender and selling out, right?

IG sees the dead X-Men, and comments that he really dug Storm. WHAT? After you said she was terrible in MvC3 and treated her like shit in the X-Men video? Is this an author’s saving throw to deter the criticism that you’re a sexist pig?

Then the young monk shows up and says he’s going to take IG to see his friends. Silly monk, don’t you know IG doesn’t have any real friends? He said so himself.
To be Continued…. Probably in 6 months.

*massages temples* Oooh, this review gave me a damn headache, and no that’s not a Power Rangers reference, it actually did hurt my head.
The review was by far one of his worst. It doesn’t help that MMPR on SNES is actually a decent game with great controls and music. Nothing about those here. Just bitching and moaning about the most meaningless of stuff. Also, Chris somehow sucked at the game, when it looks really damn easy. Was he doing it on purpose again?
The story parts, it just gets worse and worse. Even by his standards, the acting and effects were beyond atrocious. Nothing makes sense and this feels like a big pile of nothing. I just know the next episode is going to blow ass.

My informant noticed someone in the comments say he needs to get more actors, and Bores told him “That’s part of the charm” … In what world? Sane people would call that a FLAW. You can’t possibly be this crazy. Find some fucking people to help you egotistical hack!

*sighs* That’s all for now. I’m going to go watch some Sentai and clear my mind. Fucking hell.
Oh, here's Bulk & Skull's theme because it easily goes with IG's videos.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

IG Attempts the News: What's a Pokemon?

Last time on “Chris Bores wants to be Newsarama now”
Is he getting paid by comic book companies?

What will this week bring?

Stories from August 12th 2013

“WWE 2K14: 30th Anniversary WrestleMania Mode Announced”

Oh yeah, Bores was a wrestling fan at one point. Forgot about that.
This story is about how the next WWE game will have a campaign going through the 30 years of WrestleMania. For fans, that sounds really nice.

“Sounds like a winner to me! Unless they decide to revisit the whole Naked Mideon Story Arc. Or the Patterson and Brisco Bra and Panties Match. Then I’m burning my copy!” … Wha?
Okay, doing some research, the first thing he’s referring to was a gimmick from Dennis Knight that happened outside of WrestleMania. I’m pretty sure this mode will only cover what happened in the actual WrestleMania events. The second thing is his lame attempt at a joke since Patterson and Brisco are men.
Besides, he didn’t even mention the greatest part about this game. The ability to play as the Ultimate Warrior! Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel, load it with the words!

*looks at tags* He misspelled The Rock as “the orck”. How do you miss typos that obvious?

“Conan O’Brien Plays Atari 2600 Classics: Clueless Gamer”

Alright! Old news!

“Back again is Conan O’brien as the ‘Clueless Gamer’. Close cousin to the name ‘Irate Gamer,’” Personally, I think that name would fit Bores better. He often has no clue what he’s talking about.
“Some of these will actually be covered in the History of Video Games Part 6 releasing soon in where I cover the Atari system.” How soon is “soon” in your warped idea of time? Keep in mind, it’s been 17 months since the last one. Just stop.

“Food Fight – Food Mascots in Mortal Kombat”

Another picture he found cool, and it’s food related. Of course it is…
Not sure why he calls it Mortal Kombat, it’s just violent fighting. Not all violent fighting is Mortal Kombat.
Hitting the jump reveals he listed every single character in the picture. On the top he lists Kool-Aid Man, or rather “Kool-Aid Guy”. Seriously? He’s a character on your own damn show and you can’t even get his name right? Come on!

Other stories:
“Mega Man: Awesome Video Game Gameplay Mosaic Art”

Stories from August 13th 2013

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Art: Last Turtle Standing”

More awesome pictures he found… yaaaaaay.

Now the title of this series is “goodbye, my brothers…” and Bores wanted to showcase that with italics. Okay, that makes sense. Except he forgot to turn off italics, and the rest of the article is in them, making it half normal and half italics. And you claimed to have worked on newspapers?

“Don’t worry, No need to feel sorry for them because this is only a work of fiction. The real ninja turtles are running around trying to keep the technodrone from destroying us all. thank god.” First of all, it’s Technodrome not “drone”. Pretty sure everyone would see it as an even greater threat if that was the case. Second, and I think this AVGN quote is appropriate here, they’re not real! Stop acting like they’re fucking real!
You’re over 30, you should be able to separate fantasy from reality. If someone tries to claim this is a joke, I ask how is this a joke? There’s nothing to it that seems like humor.

“Epic Best Buy Prank: The Useless Box $99.99”

This refers to a prank by the artist Plastic Jesus, where he places a useless box on Best Buy store shelves and makes it look like a real product. Seen it done before…
“Simply a work of pure genius if you ask me. (Although I do the same thing with my Irate Gamer DVD’s the the Best Buy DVD selection. Take that Best Buy!)” Well, it is the only way you’ll get people to buy them, by tricking them. Not that you’ll get any of the money. Didn’t really think this plan through huh?

“Japanese Woodblock Nintendo Characters – Mario Kart and More”

More pictures… for fuck’s sake!
There’s real news out there! Why not report how the Xbox One no longer requires Kinect to function? Or how Bulletstorm didn’t break 1 million sales and was considered a failure? Or how humans have spent 2.85 million years total playing Call of Duty?

Other stories:
“Disney INfinity: More Sets Announced at D23 – Toy Story, Wreck it ralph”

Stories from August 14th 2013

“Diablo 3: Reaper of Souls Expansion Pack Being Teased?”

Is that… actual gaming news? I don’t believe it! He’s actually talking about something related to video games that isn’t related to god damn Skylanders! Oh wow. .. He’s going to screw this up somehow isn’t he?

*reads though* Not too horrible actua- waaaaait.
“The Console version of Diablo 3 arrivals on PS3 and Xbox 360 on September 3, while the PS4 receives the game sometime next year.” So we’re just going to forget the Xbox One exists? Cause Diablo III is coming to that as well.

“Super Luigi-U Bros. – Luigi Hijacks Chicago’s L Train For Game Release”

Could you be anymore wrong with that title? It’s “New Super Luigi U” not … Super Luigi-U Bros. In fact, “Bros” isn’t even in the title, the logo for the game purposely crosses out that word to show that Luigi is the only playable Mario brother.

“Nintendo recently tweeted this picture of Luigi Hijacking the Chicago L Train to promote the release of the hard copy of Super Luigi U Bros releasing very soon” You really couldn’t find a better word than hijacking? You make it sound like Luigi violently took over the train and held everyone hostage.
“Right after this picture was taken though, the L train stopped in a rough neighborhood and a gang of Koopa Troopa’s walked aboard and pick pocketed hundreds of golden coins from poor Weegee.” Get it? Because Chicago has crime… *pukes* At least he didn’t call them “Koopa Turtles”. He’s learning.
“Funny, I did the same thing at E3.” You’re saying you robbed Luigi? Goody, more jokes where Chris claims he’s a psycho. Haven’t seen these in a while.

“X-men Rogue Almost in The Wolverine Movie”

At least he spelled Rogue right.
He quotes an article about Rogue almost appearing in The Wolverine and how they didn’t do it because it would have felt forced.

“Good idea. Lets not start ‘crowbar’ing people into this movie or we’ll have another Gambit type situation on our hands.” Weren’t you one of the few people defending his appearance in X-Men Origins? You were claiming that all the characters were developed, making me doubt you even saw the movie.
“Although I wouldn’t mind a Bill Compton appearance, but that would be just silly.” Who? *looks him up* Oh, a character in True Blood. Maybe he meant his actor Stephen Moyer? *looks up his roles* No he never appeared in anything related to Marvel, but he’s married to Anna Paquin, who is on True Blood and played Rogue in the X-Men movies. … Yeah, I’m declaring this reference a massive reach.

UPDATE: Good timing that he brought up X-Men Origins: Wolverine here. On August 16th, the good folks at RedLetterMedia uploaded the newest Half in the Bag, where Mike & Jay looked over both solo Wolverine movies. During it, they make two jabs towards IG’s X-Men Origins review, mocking his use of “All that and a bag of potato chips” and the fact he gave it an “A+”.
You can watch it here:

But that’s not all, if you actually go to IG’s video and read the comments, you’ll see one left by RLM’s YouTube channel saying “Amazing review!” Obviously sarcasm if you’re at all familiar with their work. There’s also plenty of RLM fans raiding the comments to, some asking if he’s actually serious with this video. Sadly, he was. All his movie reviews were like that back then. Now, we’re lucky to get anything, and the last movie review was an 11 minute vlog of Man of Stzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz next story.

UPDATE 2: Oh lame, Chris deleted all the comments. I'd post a screencap of RLM"s comment but... I didn't get one. Damn. 

“Star Trek Crew Beams Into Microsoft’s Lobby”

At the time I saw this, he didn’t even give this article a picture, or a proper headline. It looks like a mess.

“Microsoft on Monday” That’s interesting, is that a new event, or a new branch of MS? No, it’s just more of his terrible grammar. The acceptable way to say that would have been “On Monday, Microsoft…”

By the way, this story was submitted to him by “Ben the Ubernaut”. I know that name from the comments on GotGame, as one of the only people that actually cares to comment there. Apparently he’s now giving Bores stories.

Other stories:
“Iron Man 3 – Video Gag Reel Outtakes Promotes Blu-Ray, DVD Release”
“Simpsons Tapped out – Rainier Wolfcastle, McBain Newest Character”

Stories from August 15th 2013

“Assassin’s Creed Movie gets new writer”

Forgot this was a thing… I think everybody did. Probably because the story in Assassin’s Creed is kind of dumb.
Wait, it’s coming in 2015? Okay, studios? You need to stop planning everything for that year, it’s extremely crowded already.

“Lets all cross our fingers and hope this movie will be a downright good time!” Hahaha no. Sure it might look pretty, but it will full of bastardized history and a lot of nonsense involving aliens. Also, it will suck even more if the movie follows Altair rather than Ezio.

“Pokemon X/Y 3DS – 100K Sell Out in Hours on Amazon Japan”

Wait a second, a post about Pokemon that isn’t about the one involving toy figures? Maybe he’s improving?

“I didn’t realize this franchise was chugging along with such a powerful following” … What? Where the fuck have you been for the last 15-17 years? Pokemon has always been huge. Were you in a coma in the 90’s when it was at its zenith? Did you completely forget how Nintendo dedicated a good chunk of their E3 Direct to Pokemon?

And what’s weird is what he said on Facebook at one point. A fan asked what his favorite 90’s cartoon was, and he said “I don’t know… Pokemon?” So he knows it existed back then. What is going on?!

“Holy freakin cow! Talk about a home run! Is this a warning sign of things to come when it’s released here in the US in a few months?” Yes! Everyone that’s versed in gaming sales, NPD or Media Create, knows full well just how popular Pokemon is. It’s going to make a fucking killing when it comes, and since this is the first worldwide release it will do even better than before. How do you underestimate this series? Pay! Attention!

“Super Smash Bros Wii U – Pilotwings Stage Teased”

“They are milking all these announcements for all their worth.” Were you completely unaware of the Smash Bros. Dojo back when Brawl was in the works? They had new announcements every day. In fact they were more detailed than the single pictures we’ve been getting here.
“Lets hope for a secret new Bi-plane playable character! Smash those brawlers bi-plane!” …. I don’t even know anymore.

“Japanese Stealth Batman – Square Enix Play Arts Kai DC Comics Variant”

“Look for this item in December 2013 with a price tag of $89 dollars?! Whew, looks like little Joey won’t be getting a Batman figure again this year from ol’ Scrooge Mc-Irate Gamer.” Or you could get him a much cheaper Batman figure. Wait, what am I saying? Joey isn’t fucking real! What is this crap?
Also, the correct term would be “Ebenezer Irate Gamer” or “Irate Scrooge“. Scrooge McDuck wasn’t as terrible a person as Charles Dickens’ Scrooge. If you’re going to do those jokes where you insert your name into things, at least do them correctly. I’m going to go vomit again.

Other stories:
“Portal 2 – Sunburst Turret Replica Toy Statue”
“Breaking Bad – Custom Lego Meth Lab Playset”

Stories from August 16th 2013

“Skylanders Swap Force: Dark Edition Starter Pack”

When does Swap Force come out? *checks* October 13th?! DAMN IT!

“Maybe I’ll pick one up for the dark Wash Buckler and Blast Zone but the others, I’ll just give to little cousin Joey. There, now stop bugging me to play with my Skylanders. They are mine, and I don’t share! Rawr!” Joey! Isn’t! Real! He is a character you made up for your show. Quit pretending he’s actually your cousin. What is going on? This is the second story in two days where he pretends Joey is real.
Also, funny how he says here that he doesn’t share, but at E3 he claimed he plays the game with his family. That doesn’t match up at all!

“Realistic Pokemon Pokeball Replicas For Sale”

More Pokemon news? Maybe someone is ghost-writing the site?

“Want to be a Pokemon Master? Too bad because I’m going to be the master! there can be only one!” So, he didn’t realize Pokemon was still popular, but he knows about the term “Pokemon Master”. I’m so confused.
Two things. One, you can’t call yourself a Pokemon anything until you’ve played the games, and I know you haven’t. Two, Pokemon Masters aren’t actually real. It’s a made-up, intentionally vague term created to prolong the anime and keep Ash as the protagonist. They really should have followed Pokemon Special’s example and have a new protagonist every game arc, with previous characters returning for the remakes.

UPDATE: Hahaha wow, the moment I say I want an animated adaptation closer to the games and manga, the “Pokemon Game Show” event drops a megaton. Coming this October is “Pokemon: The Origin”, an all new animated series following video game protagonist Red and his rival Green (or Blue for Western audiences). If it’s anything like Pokemon Special, it’s going to kick so much ass.

Other stories:
“5,000 Year Old Board Game Token Pieces Unearthed In Turkey”
“Injustice: Gods Among Us – General Zod Man of Steel Movie Skin”

That’s all for this week. Once again, no videos this week either. How much longer is he going to keep up this weak-ass Kotaku?
Here’s something funny though. His post last week about his next episode? 8 comments. Everything this week? 0-1 comments. It’s almost like even his fans don’t care for this crap and only for his videos. Hmmmmmmm.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Sponsored by DC Comics

Last week on “Chris Bores spreads CTRL-C all over IGN”
Toys, comic books, videos about video games he found. Quit pretending this is a news site and treat it for what it really is, a personal blog.

What will this week bring?

Stories from August 5th 2013

“Skylanders Swap Force Figures Pop up on Ebay! (Zoo Lou, Slobber Tooth)”

Of course the first story of the week is fucking Skylanders related! What else?!

“I decide to take one relaxing weekend off with the family, and look what happens, Skylanders News blowing up from all over the internet.” Screw my family, THERE‘S TOY NEWS!
Also, blowing up all over the internet? Is that why nobody is talking about it? Oh wait, I forgot that you live in a bubble where “the entire internet” is the Skylanders forums you visit.
“Well its back to work at the Daily Planet here” Pointless Superman reference is pointless, and not funny.
He speculates the eBay seller works at a Skylanders processing center, and calls him a “Lucky Hot Dog”. You mean “lucky dog” right? Because nobody else calls people “lucky hot dogs” since hot dogs aren’t very lucky, they’re… hang on I just got a message. Hot Dog is the name of a Skylander introduced in the second game. … Seriously Bores?

“Grumpy Cat – Now a Coffee Drink: Grumppuccino…Kill me Now”

*grabs machete and broadsword* What? He asked.

“Just when you thought the Grumpy cat hoopla has died down, BAM! They sock you with a Grumpy Cat Coffee Beverage. Because those old cat ladies can’t get enough” What? Old cat ladies? I’m fairly certain the fans of Grumpy Cat are little kids on Reddit, not old women. Have you completely ignored the presence of cat memes for the last seven years or so? I know you’re not in-tune with gaming but come on, this is basic internet!
“Of course since Grumpy’s cats real name is Tarder Sauce, I think a Grumpy Cat themed Tarder Sauce set might have been more suited to the fanbase’s needs” The sauce is spelled “Tartar”, the cat’s name is spelled “Tardar Sauce”, with two A’s in the first name not one. At least try to look this up before reporting it.
“but not so fast common sense! Take a back seat to stupidity!” Yeah, you’re one to talk about lack of common sense. “I’m going to release a History DVD with barely any content on it! I’ll be rich!”

“Skylanders Swap Force: New Poster Reveals Artwork for All 12 Swappable Figures”

Yeah yeah yeah, more Skylanders…
But this one has a point I should mention. For a while now, Bores has posted images with watermarks on them, not every image, just ones he claims were exclusive. I brushed it off as arrogance since I know those images existed elsewhere.
But my informant saw this, and did some searching. They managed to find the poster shown here over at the DarkSpyro forum, which the user found on Amazon UK, without any watermarks. So why the hell is Bores putting watermarks on these pictures like they’re his? Seems desperate.

“Doctor Who -- The 12th Doctor is Peter Capaldi”

In tribute to Capaldi being the newest Doctor, I will mock this article in the style of his character Malcolm Tucker from The Thick of It. This might get a little harsh.

“And let me be the first to say…uh, we couldn’t find anyone better?” Listen fuckface, do you fucking think in the age of the internet that you’re the fucking first cock to say something about this? Do you see all those whiny cunts on Tumblr fucking crying their eyes out because they fucking can’t write slash-fiction where the Doctor fucks Sasuke from Naruto and has a fucking orgy with One Direction? Get off your fucking high horse cock.
And what the fuck is wrong with Peter Capaldi exactly?

“This Docotr has some big shoes to fill and will have to grow on me for sure.” If you’re fucking going to talk about a show from fucking England, the least you could fucking do is learn how to proofread your own fucking words. Did your cunt mother drop you on  your squishy fucking head as a child?

“I’m so used to the Doctor being played by young actors, so it’s going to be interesting to see how ‘Grandpa Who’ handles this role.” Unfuck yourself with horse dildo! The fucking Doctor has been played by older actors since his fucking creation 50 fucking years ago. If they fucking continued making the actors any fucking younger, 12 would have been a fucking chav teenager. I’m fucking glad they got an older man for the role, fucking open your mind you hack.
Now fuck right off and go do whatever the fuck it is you do!

*Tucker mode off* Whew, next story.

“Legend of Zelda: ‘Link’s Shadow’ Video Short”

Another “cool video I found” post. Watching it, I get the feeling this is the type of violence Bores wants in the games. Obviously it won’t happen.
Also, this video is two months old. There was a link to a video here but… see Thursday.

“Metroid: 16bit SNES Mother Brain Finale -- The High Definition Overhaul”

You know, these stories are less actual news and more “Remember these awesome games? Here’s something related to them that fans made. Cool huh?” I know sites like Kotaku and Destructoid do that, but they also report the news!

“Especially over the hole in the wall I made throwing my NES controller during one of my many temper tantrums.” Tell me, how much do spend on carpenters coming in to fix these walls? Oh wait you were attempting one of those things…what were they called… jokes? Yeah, still not funny.

Other stories:
"X-Men: Days of Future Past -- Full Size Sentinel on Set”

Stories from August 6th 2013

“Wolverine Movie Advertisement Bus Fail”

Okay, I can understand posting the Peggle 2 jump for joy, since it happened live and it’s game related. But you’re just posting a picture you found somewhere on the internet, and it’s not even game related. You’re not Failblog Bores, there was no reason to post this.

“Is this a clip from the silly Snickers ‘Need a Break?’ Campaign?" … Why that reference? For those that don’t watch TV or have never seen this commercial, it’s an ad campaign where a group of people are doing some activity (party, poker, football, whatever) and suddenly a celebrity shows up (Betty White, Joe Pesci, Robin Williams) and another guy tells the celeb that they’re being weird because they’re hungry and to eat a Snickers. The celeb does and they turn back to normal (looking like a completely different person).
My question is, what does that campaign have to do with this sign? You could have at least gone with “Go home sign, you’re drunk”. It seems your knowledge of internet memes is non-existent.

“Legend of Zelda CG Movie Pitch Demo Reel”

For whatever reason, Bores mirrored this video to his YouTube channel. I decided to watch it… on Guru Larry’s channel. Because I’m not giving you views for something I can easily watch elsewhere. Also, Larry uploaded it four days prior to Bores, making this old news.

“And Gannon looks better than a pig thing from the first NES game” Once again, it’s spelled “Ganon”, with two N’s, not three. Also, watching this pitch, Ganon looks like he does in Ocarina of Time, or Wind Waker, or Twilight Princess or Smash Bros Melee and Brawl. Have you actually played a Zelda game since the first? You’re constantly going on about being a huge Zelda fan but you have no god damn idea what you’re talking about. Ganon (or Ganondorf) has had a human form for years., he turns into a giant pig as a last resort. I don’t even anymore.. I just… fuck. You‘re an idiot.

UPDATE: And an asshole too.
One of my readers, ZeldaFan, actually commented on this article, giving constructive criticism and correcting him. Here’s what he wrote:
"I strongly disagree, Ganondorf’s pig form (Or Ganon) was awesome. Secondly, just so you know, Ganon’s appeared in other Zelda games. And also quit misspelling his name. It’s ‘Ganon’ not ‘Gannon’."

Here’s what Bores responded with:
"And just so you know, it was spelled Gannon in the first game."
Jeez, has Bores played any Zelda game besides the first? Quit acting like you’re this “overly-nostalgic Zelda fan” when you’re nothing more than a fraud.

But that’s not all! Bores went crying to Facebook about ZeldaFan’s comment. Here’s a screencap:

He offers you criticism and you completely deflect it and call him a hater. See, this is why nobody likes you, and why you’re never going to get anywhere with this “job”.

“Atari 2600 Console Mod -- Pixar’s WALL-E (Look out ROB!)”

Yes, you should look out ROB. WALL-E here can play every 2600 game while you only play two NES games. Seriously, adding that bit was pointless Bores.

“Mysterious Pentagram on Shows up in Google Maps”

Mysterious Pentagram on what? You’ve been doing this for a month, the least you could do is double check what you fucking write.

So where is this Pentagram?
“Not anywhere cool unfortunately.” What would be your definition of cool then? Mars?
“Its smack dab in the middle of the central Asia, in an isolated corner of Kazakhstan.” So how is this not “cool” in your odd mind?
After a Borat reference, he wonders if Satan is involved. You do realize Satan is a fictional character right?

He cites a quote from archeologist Emma Usmanova, who says it’s nothing more than a park shaped like a star. That’s fair. But Bores does not accept this.
“Not sure I like your attitude Emma. Obviously this is the work of Satan’s minions ready to lay claim to the area.” What attitude? She’s telling you the facts. Quit acting like there’s a conspiracy going on here. See, this is what happens when you listen to Alex Jones non-stop.
Also, the pentagram doesn’t just mean Satanism. It’s used in Neopagenism, the Baha’i Faith, it was even used by Christians in ancient times. Don’t you constantly claim you’re a history buff? I’ve read those book reviews about Jesus Christ you did, don’t deny those.

“Skylanders Swap Force -- Official Tower of Time Adventure Pack & Level Pictures”

I’m actually looking forward to Swap Force coming out. Because that means we can have less of these god damn Skylanders stories!

He’s looking over a new pack, and it comes with… Thor’s Hammer, Scrooge McDuck’s Jewel, and Peter Pan’s Clock Tower? What?! *looks at images* What?! Why the references? Just because they look like something doesn’t mean… ugh.

Other stories:
“Superman: Man of Steel -- Composite of Actor’s Faces”
“A 5th Indiana Jones Film? Harrison Ford Talks About the Potential”
“Alec Baldwin Turned Down Villain Role In MARVEL Superhero Movie”

Stories from August 7th 2013

“Top 12 Realistic Drawings of Television Animated Characters”

So, not only is this yet another “cool pictures I found” post, it’s one about pictures soooooo fucking old. I’ve seen these pictures circulating the internet for years! Do you live under a rock Bores?
Couple of other things, the headline says “Television”, but I see Alfred E. Neuman from Mad Magazine (and he spells his name wrong too), Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Mario. Also, why do the tags say Buzz Lightyear and Teletubbies when they’re nowhere on the list? What is going on?!

“DC Injustice: Gods Among Us – Zatanna DLC Announced (6th or 7th?)”

She’s the sixth character announced. Lobo, Batgirl, Scorpion, Zod, Martian Manhunter and now Zatanna. I know you’re bad at math but this is pretty basic.

“And I can’t even keep track any more. With a John Stewart Green Lantern Skin this makes this the 7th downloadable character. But John Stewart wasn’t available by myself so I guess this makes Zatanna the 6th officially?” Oh… you’re just an idiot. John Stewart isn’t a separate character, he’s just an additional skin for Green Lantern. Like the Yellow Lantern skin, or Red Son Superman, or Damien Wayne as Nightwing.
Wait, “by myself”? You mean “by himself” right? How do you make a mistake like that?

“Hit the jump to check out the video of Batman’s former girlfriend: Zatanna” Wait, when did this happen? *does research* It was retconned recently so that Batman and Zatanna were childhood friends, but they were never actually in a relationship. Where are you getting this info Chris? Why did you think Zatanna was Batman’s girlfriend?

By the way, I love how the image Bores used shows the YouTube timeline on the bottom. He didn’t even care enough to crop that out. Why are you even doing this site?

“New DC Comics Cartoon – Metal Men – This Saturday on DC Nation”

Wait what?

“I myself have enjoyed all their comic reincarnations,” What I have said about lying?
“but now the cartoon world will be graced by a whole cartoon featuring Dr Magnus the Metal men” I feel there’s missing punctuation, or missing words. Dr Magnus himself is human, he’s not one of the Metal Men.
“Looks like it stays pretty true to the Metal Men persona’s that I remember, but of course geared for kids. And that means no sexually crazed Platinum, kiddos” Sexually crazed? What? What? *looks up Metal Men* So Platinum believed she was human and fell in love with Dr. Magnus, but since this was a comic from the 1960’s I doubt it got into anything serious.

By the way Chris, this isn’t a full cartoon. It’s merely one of the DC Nation Shorts that airs after a show ends. A full 22 minute Metal Men cartoon would be a BAD IDEA!

“The Simpsons – Legos Coming In 2014!”

Oh wow, this article is a mess.
In the tags, he misspells Simpsons not once, but twice! How?!
And for the fifth time, he marks the year as “2104”. What are you using to type? Get a fucking editor man.

“With all the characters in the Simpsons universe, I expect to be officially broke by 2015” Or you could not buy them? You only got into Lego recently because of Lego Batman 2, and you didn’t bother to buy all those sets. Also, I have serious doubts Lego will release every character, because that’s just stupid.
“Of course this also opens up the possibility of a Lego Simpsons video game. Oy my wallet!” Like I said…

Stories from August 8th 2013

“Super Mario Bros. – Paper Mache Blooper (Bloober)”

Bloober? *looks up Mario Wiki* Oh, that’s what their name was until Paper Mario. Why include both names though? Most people know them as Bloopers.

“Great job, the only thing I can make out of newspaper is a hat that falls apart 5 seconds arter I put it on my head.” *crickets* I think there was something attempted here, but I’m not entirely sure.

“Legend of Zelda Coolness: Master Blacksmith Forges Link’s Master Sword”

Earlier on Monday, when Bores posted the article about that two month old Dark Link video, I originally linked this exact video as an example of timely news. Now he’s done it himself… three days after it was posted. *sighs*

“Only problem is I now want one for my very own to place next to my other swords!” I’m sure the real-life sword that can actually cut people would look great along all your plastic toys. Unless you do have a sword collection, I don’t know, you don’t show or tell us anything about yourself!

“At the end of the video, people take turns slicing up a bunch of things. Too bad they didn’t grab those chicken from the game. harassing those things is the best.” Because I’m sure stabbing a real life still alive chicken is sure to win people over and not get AweMe Channel in heaps of trouble. Hang on, he just referenced the Cuccos. Meaning he has played a Zelda game beyond the first. Then why is his knowledge so fucking inconsistent? Oh right, it’s Bores.
By the way Chris, do you know what happens when you stab the Cuccos multiple times? They swarm you. You can “harass” them but there are consequences.

“Space: Pink Pepto-Bismol Planet Found & Photographed”

Why are you talking about this?
Yeah, it’s safe to confirm that this isn’t a video game news site, it’s just Chris’ personal blog. I’m sure GotGame is sooooo happy they’re funding something that you can get for free by signing up to Tumblr or Blogspot.

“Of course I’m sticking to my own theory of the planet being made out of Pepto-bismol. If you ever get severe stomach problems, just fly on over to the planet and cure yourself. Of course you’d be dead by the time you reached it, but hey it’s the effort that counts.” You see all this Chris? It’s not funny, it’s just moronic. Just because it’s pink, doesn’t mean it’s made out of something. You probably still think the moon is made of cheese.

“The Irate Gamer Video Game -- Coming Soon”

See here:

Other stories:
“Contra: 8 bit NES Energy Zone Boss – High Definition Overhaul”

Stories from August 9th 2013

“Skylanders Swap Force: Smoulderdash Revealed – Also LightCore Version”

For reasons even Bores can’t understand, this specific Skylander gets a lot of searches on his site. By a lot, he probably means like five, where as the others get two. Do people really use him as a Skylanders source?

He also mentions that Smoulderdash (seriously?) will have a Lightcore version with an “Irate face” *looks at image* How the hell can you see that? This image is so small and blurry, and the figure is all black making it even harder to tell. How much do you want to bet that Bores calls the Angry Face emoticon the “Irate Face”?

“Super Smash Bros. Wii U -- Like we already didn’t know: Luigi Confirmed”

Chris, just because it was obvious, doesn’t give you the excuse to be TWO DAYS LATE with this news.

“Not sure why all the hubbub since he is Mario’s brother” Because it’s the Year of Luigi. Duh.
“Now if they included the Bubble Bobble Characters, that would be something to write home about!!” No. That would be stupid. Ugh… your jokes hurt me.

“Rayman Legends: Mario and Luigi costume skins exclusive to WiiU”

Again, this was announced two days ago, in the same Nintendo Direct that announced the above story. How the hell are you so slow with this?

“Superman vs Batman Movie Villain Tease: Could be Lex Luthor?”

“If your highly anticipating this one,” My highly anticipating? It’s “you’re” not “your” you illiterate fool.

He brings up a rumor that actor Mark Strong will play Lex Luthor in the next movie. Really? Most rumors I’ve heard involve Bryan Cranston. Strange.

“Super Mario Bros NES 8-bit Level Aquarium”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Huh? Sorry I just so don’t care that,,,, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“Pet fish never had it so good! And its so much better than floating dead in a walmart fish tank with all the other dead fish.” That’s… horribly morbid. Can it even be considered dark comedy? Urgh.

“The Irate Gamer Show: The Saga Continues Soon..”

Oh look, news about that thing he does once in a blue moon but is supposed to be doing more often. You know, videos!

He says the next one is coming soon and is working on FX heavy scenes will probably still look like shit. He included an image from the episode which is IG sitting in his room and Wilson is there too.
Oh, sorry. I forgot he’s suddenly a new character now.
“Good ol Wilkens” That’s not even how fucking spell Wilkins. You can’t even get your own recolor’s name right. Just…. Wow.

Other stories:
Skylanders Swap Force: Lightcore Warnado and Flashwing Confirmed

And that’s all for this week. You know, when people say they want Bores to update more, this isn’t what they had in mind.
I’m just going to go take a loooong walk. Clear my head of this insipidness.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Long-Awaited Reveal of the Irate Gamer Game! ... What the Hell Is This?

The so called "Irate Gamer Game" has been the butt of many jokes on this blog for years now. I still remember the Facebook page from 2011. Either way, everyone laughed as it became clear this game was never coming.
Then recently, Bores started claiming that the Irate Gamer Game is actually coming soon, and even listed on his new site that it's coming in August. I rolled my eyes at the idea and said the game is still a phantom until I see evidence.

Welp... we have evidence. Over at his site. He also included two pictures which I will post here.

... Oh dear lord this looks horrid.
It looks like every single terrible iOS game out there. I swear I've seen that sun background in other iOS games.
As you can see, it's a platformer, which is the kiss of death for a system that relies on touch controls. Even then, I imagine this is going to be a buggy mess.
This looks worse than Flash games on Newgrounds. Look at the ice in the first image, the smaller platforms not only not match up with the giant cliff, but it looks like they just slapped them on top of it. This is so lazy.
The D-Pad in the corner has a white line going through it for some reason.
I see coins, but I don't see what they can be used for. No coin counter, no points, do they restore health? Because that would be way too easy... and perfect for Bores. Son of a bitch.

This... can't be real. This has to be a joke.
What does Bores say about this in the article?
He says that since it's going to the Apple store, the best way to describe the layout is like... Angry Birds? *looks at Angry Birds, then looks at IG Game* Have you ever even played Angry Birds? The two look nothing alike. Just because both are on iOS doesn't mean they're similar. Also, Angry Birds is available on other consoles.
He says there will be over 60 levels. Going by the pictures, I imagine it will get boring after 10.
He doesn't know an exact release date and that if it does well, more games will be planned. Do you not have contact with these people? Surely they could tell when it's ready. Also, this game is going to bomb, even at its possible $1 dollar price point (and that's still a rip-off). Sure some fans of his will buy it, maybe some detractors out of morbid curiosity, but it's going to get lost in the deluge of iOS garbage.

Three years people. This game was at least three years in the making. What were they doing? Did they just take Chris' money, spend it on hookers and blow, and when Chris started getting curious they slapped this crap together in a weekend?
You know, iOS does allow free trials of all their games. But I fear that even the trial would brick my phone.
I I need to go remind myself of good games. I got Pikmin 3 and Tales of Xillia waiting.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

IG Attempts the News: Plenty of Toys

Last time on “Chris Bores wants to be Destructoid”
So we’re just going to barely talk about video games?
I don’t know what direction I’m going!

What will this week bring?

Stories from July 29th 2013

This day started with three Skylanders articles, which were actually links to videos he posted on his YouTube channel. Since I’m tired of his Skylanders obsession, I’m not going to bother looking at any of it.

“2013 Comic Con -- Magic the Gathering: Mechanics of THEROS Pre-Release”

First actual article is MTG related… wa-hoo…

Apparently, Bores couldn’t write about this until he saw a video of the SDCC panel because all the reports were “confusing”. I’m sure they made perfect sense to a Magic veteran. Which I know you’re not.
Also, one of upcoming expansions won’t be available for 91 years. He reports the “Journey into Nyx” expansion will come out in May 2104. And I believe that’s the fourth time you’ve made this mistake. Jeez…

One of my informants noticed that Bores wants to “improve MTG” with his own ideas. You can’t even do a story right, what makes you think you can improve a card game with 20 years of rules and ideas?

“Masters of the Universe He-Man Movie -- Jon M. Chu speaks”

Who’s Jon M. Chu? *looks him up, sees Step Up 2 and 3D, Justin Bieber movie, and G.I. Joe Retaliation* Oooooh… yeah this is going to suck.

“Hasbro’s track record hasn’t been so great in the movie world…” Hasbro? Masters of the Universe is owned by Mattel. Couldn’t you double-check that? Especially since you made a video about the action figures that you so subtly linked in the article?
Also, do you not remember the last time they tried to make a live-action Masters of the Universe movie? Dolph Lundgren, Courtney Cox, most of it taking place in the real world instead of Eternia? Granted, I doubt it will be exactly like the 1987 movie, but given the director is mostly known for dancing movies, this is going to blow.
Also, aren’t you going to give any credit to the person that drew that He-Man picture you’re using? I doubt you did it yourself.

Stories from July 30th 2013

Only two actual articles yesterday? Hmm, seems he’s starting to slack like I predicted.

“Kingdom Hearts 3: Concludes long battle with the Heartless”

You stay away from Kingdom Hearts!

“Kingdom hearts 2 was released in 2005, and well, that was pretty much it.” There were spin-offs, despite what people claim a couple of them were not “pointless”. Birth by Sleep was a well-made prequel that introduced the best battle system in KH and revealed a ton of backstory and mythos. Dream Drop Distance was essentially Kingdom Hearts 2.5 and reveals even more, like Xehanort’s final plan.

“Geez, taking their sweet time eh? Who do they think they are? Blizzard Entertainment?” Blame Final Fantasy XV and Square-Enix’s terrible upper-management. The former took up a ton of Nomura and his team’s time. Also, it’s not rare for a company to delay a sequel for years on end. Final Fantasy XII had a notorious development cycle, as did XIII. Valve’s delays are legendary.

This article is about how KH3 will be the final story with the Heartless, but not the last KH game. This is really old news confirmed either last year or two years ago.

He brings up that the reporter asked about Pixar or Star Wars.
“If it were me, I would have sliced the reporter down with a lightsaber and said, does that answer your question? Ahh a guy can dream!” Then you’d be arrested for murder. Quit it.
“Seriously though, lets just stick to Disney animation properties please. Leave it to Disney’s Game, Infinity to use Pixar worlds.” You realize that it’s not just Disney animation in KH right? There’s been Pirates of the Caribbean and Tron worlds (both Tron and Tron: Legacy). Plus there have been plans to include Woody and Buzz Lightyear, but were scrapped so they obviously wanted to include Pixar in some way. Personally I would love for KH3 to have a world based on The Incredibles or Brave.

“Will Pikmin ever be on the 3DS? Not Bloody Likely!”

I’m the British Irate Gamer, I appear to talk about games that come out in Europe before the US.
Really not much to say about this article, I just wanted to make fun of his title.

“Marvel LEGO Super Heroes -- More Character Confirmations, X-Mansion and more”

“Warner Brothers loves to milk these releases.” Again, I don’t think you understand what “milking” means. Just releasing PR info isn’t milking.
“Jean Grey (who we’ve already spoiled days ago on this site thank you very much!)” Like anyone besides me and your detractors actually reads your site and cares.
“and Viper, who at first I was like, hey, they are adding Polaris into this game?? Sweet! Well I was wrong. And since she looks so much like Polaris, Don’t expect to see her around.” Or they can just give Polaris a different costume, not really that hard.

No mention on how these reveals all tie into The Wolverine? You know, that movie that just came out and happens to have Wolverine, Jean Grey, Silver Samurai and Viper in it?

“Transformers: Fall of Cybertron Figure -- MetroPlex”

This one is about a new Transformer figure that measures in at around 24 inches, making it the biggest Transformer ever.

“However, the towering robot mode will crush anything in its way and make you wet your pants! Hit the jump to see more pictures while I go change my underwear” Gross.

“Sonic the HedgeHog: First Person Shooter Video”

Isn’t this old? I swear this old. *checks* No it came out two days prior to this article. Maybe I’m thinking of something else.
By the way, “HedgeHog”? What is with your spelling?
Also, it’s not a “shooter”, it’s just first-person. Learn the difference between “first-person perspective” and “first-person shooter”.
He also mentions that Machinima is “YouTube’s video game division”. That explains why 95% of it is shit, and why they sponsor DarkSydePhil despite him being a racist dickhead.

Stories from July 31st 2013

“New Mortal Kombat game in development, and Movie news”

“The story was fantastic and seeing all your favorite MK characters upgraded with todays graphics was the icing on the bloody cake.” So we’re just going to ignore all the other 3D titles that had “today’s graphics” at the time of release?
“I’m not sure what you could even do to top the previous one, Maybe another great story?” Rebalances, tweaks, maybe add elements from Injustice? Fighting game sequels are more than just new stories, they’re all new mechanics.
“I still would love to see a Mortal Kombat movie since I’m sure it would be a lot better than the one made in the 1990′s” Which one? There were two movies in the 90’s.

“Nintendo Shipped 160,000 Wii U Units, But it’s Still Not Enough? (Face Palm)”

Of course it’s not enough! That’s really bad no matter how you slice it.
*reads article* Outside of Bores claming Nintendo is “crying” over it, he actually makes a realistic point. There are no games out and the price is too high. Holy shit, Bores actually made sense for once.
Though my informant believes that he may have copy-pasted these thoughts from somewhere else. Considering Chris is suddenly showing a grasp of economics… yeah it‘s possible. One of my readers found he copy-pasted an article about the Xbox One from the Huffington Post. You know, I wanted to look past all the plagiarism, but you’re making it really hard.

“The Flash -- Television Series on the Horizon on the CW”

“DC loves to put its properties on TV, and on the CW no less. Superman, Green Arrow, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, all have been put to test on the small screen,” Because only Batman and Superman seem to work on the big screen. Also, that terrible Wonder Woman pilot? Wasn’t for CW, it was going to be on NBC.
By the way, they use The CW because both the channel and DC are owned by Warner Bros. Just like how Disney owns both ABC and Marvel, and the upcoming Agents of SHIELD show will be on ABC.

“Superman Comic Book Writer, Mark Waid Upset over Man of Steel Movie Ending”

Not really surprised. Knowing how the movie ends, it’s easy to see why he’s upset.

“Seriously? Did we even watch the same movie? I thought the movie was well produced” This has nothing to do with how the movie was “produced”. Waid made it clear that the story pissed him off, not the production.
“and I for one understood why he did what he had to do, and it was a very pivotal moment for the future of the character.” Most people don’t feel that way. A lot of people thought it was wrong, not just professionals.
“Mark, sorry to say this but you’ve turned into a crybaby. You need to step away from the character a bit buddy. You’re definitely working too hard over there if that’s how you felt.” Okay, what’s with calling people crybabies today? First Nintendo, now Mark Waid. What is up with you?
Also, Mark Waid hasn’t worked with DC since 2008. He’s not “working too hard over there”. Plus, Superman was the first character he wrote for DC, so it’s no surprise he’s attached to him.

“I’ve never seen Superman tackled better” Superman The Animated Series? All-Star Superman? Superman vs. The Elite? The first Superman movie? The Richard Donner cut of Superman II? There’s better portrayals of Superman out there.
"and with so many superpowers, the Superman comic’s kinda suck.” Then you’re reading the wrong ones. There’s plenty of good Superman stories out there, go to a forum to get suggestions. Try Alan Moore’s “For the Man Who Has Everything” or “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?” or John Byrne’s “The Man of Steel” series, or  Joe Kelly‘s “What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice and the American Way?” or Mark Waid’s own “Kingdom Come”?
“Using emotion as a plot device works on so many levels for the future.” Superman stories have plenty of emotion. You’re an idiot!
"But what do I know, I’m just an Irate Gamer :p" Nothing. You know nothing. You certainly don’t know as much as Mark Waid does. Ugggh.

“Iron Man 3 Toy Display Wow’s Crowd in Animation-Comic-Game Con”

“Its just a superhero day here at” How is today any different? You talk about superheroes almost every day. In fact, you talk about superheroes more than you talk about video games. So why are you even the Irate Gamer? Maybe you should talk about comic books now since you’re clearly more interested in those. *senses icy stares from Minnesota* Whoa, that was weird.

He then mentions wanting to smuggle these toys out in costumes. More larceny jokes… Do you really want people to believe you’re going to Hong Kong to steal toys? Might as well just burn your money.

Other stories:
“Disney Infinity’s first 20 Power Discs come in blind packs of two at launch”

Stories from August 1st 2013

We’ve entered August and Bores has barely made any videos. But hey, he’s found an easier way to “work”, typing half-assed news articles.

“2013 Comic Con -- 8 Bit Jason Voorhees Exclusive Action Figure by NECA”

You’re still reporting Comic-Con news? It’s been two weeks! There might be a problem with how you’re handling things.
I’m surprised he doesn’t say “expect a review from me some time down the road”. That could cause some issues.
For some reason he updated the article but I can’t find any differences.
*looks at tags* Hahahaha, he spelled LJN wrong.

“Batman Arkham Origins -- Multiplayer mode? Now You can Kill Batman”

Hey publishers and developers? Not everything needs multiplayer! Stop it!

“You can play between Batman, Robin, 3 of Joker’s gang thugs, or 3 of Bane’s gang thugs. Meaning yes you can kill Batman this time.” Not exactly. Considering how Joker and Bane operate, the thugs are likely going to just capture or incapacitate him. The Joker wouldn’t give a measly mook the honor of killing the Bat.

The multiplayer is going to suck either way. It’s being outsourced to Splash Damage, the guys behind Brink.

“X-Men Days of Future Past -- Bryan Singer Updates on Time Frame of Movie”

“I guess all eyes are on X-men Days of Futures Past since its the only movie I get updates too anymore.” Or maybe you need to broaden your scope? All you do is talk about superhero movies, there are others you could bring up like Elysium, The World’s End, Insidious Chapter 2, Ron Howard’s Rush, Machete Kills and that‘s just the next few months. It’s that kind of thinking that caused Pacific Rim to get beaten by Grown Ups 2.

“Beer Bottle Labels in Motion -- Refreshingly Cool”

Has science really gotten to this point? No. These are just animated GIFs Bores found on Tumblr. Making it another “cool pictures I found” post. Funny since 95% of his audience are too young to legally drink.

Other stories:
“Classic Donkey Kong -- Stop Motion Video”
“THOR 2: The Dark World -- Movie Poster Revealed”

Stories from August 2nd 2013

“Super Mario Bros. -- Updated Level 1-2 in 3D with Graphics and Explosions”

This article is about “Super Modern Mario Bros”, a video that “modernizes” SMB with 2.5D visuals and blood. I’m so tired of blood being in places where it doesn’t belong.

“Not sure how Blood got into this Mario game,” They edited it in. It’s not a real game.
“but if Mortal Kombat told us anything, its that Blood equals ravenous fans coming back for more.” … Wha? I don’t see how adding blood to Mario will have fans coming back for more. If anything it will push away a lot of them.
“Well that and me trying to perform fatalities on my kid sister. FINISH HER!” Lovely, sororicide “jokes”.

“NECA Now Teasing an 8-Bit Freddy Kruger NES Version Figure”

I’m actually curious why NECA is making figures based on games most people find underwhelming or straight-up bad. Is there really a big market for this?
“Lets hope for an 8-bit LJN Marty McFly next with the trademark black shirt… oy!” Shouldn’t this be red? *pointlessly colors it in to remind audience what red looks like*

Also, would these really qualify as 8-Bit figures? If they weren’t marketed as such, they could easily pass off as normal Freddy and Jason figures. It’s not like NECA hasn’t made 8-Bit figures before, back in 2007 they made an 8-Bit Simon Belmont figure exclusive to San Diego Comic Con. You can see it here.

“Tomb Raider Sequel? Square Enix Confirms it for ps4 & xbox one”

“The first game has sold over 4 million copies and I haven’t even gotten around to checking it out yet! Well that’s the life of a video editor. Busy busy” Oh I’m sure you’re crazy busy making… nothing. It’s been over two months since you released a video with any serious editing in it. Everything since then has been E3 footage, your Man of Steel review where editing was minimal, and some Skylanders videos that you didn’t even make, they were sent to you. So don’t sit over there and tell me that you’re “really busy” editing videos.

Unless that’s your real life job now. If it is, I feel so bad for your clients.

That’s it for this week. Video-wise, Bores gave us nothing… again. Except more Skylanders stuff that even his fans are tired of, the day he posted these videos he lost at least 49 subscribers. If he starts doing videos on Disney Infinity, people will start to see him as a one-trick pony. Then he’ll do another rant about Zelda being too kiddy and really get blasted for his stupidity.

I should also mention that Bores claimed “Haunted Investigators” is dead, and it now lives on as Pursuit of the Paranormal. Sure the name is better, but until we see more of it, it’s just as much of a phantom as the ghosts he hunts.
Think we’ll see the Irate Gamer Game sometime this month? Pfffffft.