Last week on “Chris Bores spreads CTRL-C all over IGN”
Toys, comic books, videos about video games he found. Quit pretending this is a news site and treat it for what it really is, a personal blog.
What will this week bring?
Stories from August 5th 2013
“Skylanders Swap Force Figures Pop up on Ebay! (Zoo Lou, Slobber Tooth)”
Of course the first story of the week is fucking Skylanders related! What else?!
“I decide to take one relaxing weekend off with the family, and look what happens, Skylanders News blowing up from all over the internet.” Screw my family, THERE‘S TOY NEWS!
Also, blowing up all over the internet? Is that why nobody is talking about it? Oh wait, I forgot that you live in a bubble where “the entire internet” is the Skylanders forums you visit.
“Well its back to work at the Daily Planet here” Pointless Superman reference is pointless, and not funny.
He speculates the eBay seller works at a Skylanders processing center, and calls him a “Lucky Hot Dog”. You mean “lucky dog” right? Because nobody else calls people “lucky hot dogs” since hot dogs aren’t very lucky, they’re… hang on I just got a message. Hot Dog is the name of a Skylander introduced in the second game. … Seriously Bores?
“Grumpy Cat – Now a Coffee Drink: Grumppuccino…Kill me Now”
*grabs machete and broadsword* What? He asked.
“Just when you thought the Grumpy cat hoopla has died down, BAM! They sock you with a Grumpy Cat Coffee Beverage. Because those old cat ladies can’t get enough” What? Old cat ladies? I’m fairly certain the fans of Grumpy Cat are little kids on Reddit, not old women. Have you completely ignored the presence of cat memes for the last seven years or so? I know you’re not in-tune with gaming but come on, this is basic internet!
“Of course since Grumpy’s cats real name is Tarder Sauce, I think a Grumpy Cat themed Tarder Sauce set might have been more suited to the fanbase’s needs” The sauce is spelled “Tartar”, the cat’s name is spelled “Tardar Sauce”, with two A’s in the first name not one. At least try to look this up before reporting it.
“but not so fast common sense! Take a back seat to stupidity!” Yeah, you’re one to talk about lack of common sense. “I’m going to release a History DVD with barely any content on it! I’ll be rich!”
“Skylanders Swap Force: New Poster Reveals Artwork for All 12 Swappable Figures”
Yeah yeah yeah, more Skylanders…
But this one has a point I should mention. For a while now, Bores has posted images with watermarks on them, not every image, just ones he claims were exclusive. I brushed it off as arrogance since I know those images existed elsewhere.
But my informant saw this, and did some searching. They managed to find the poster shown here over at the DarkSpyro forum, which the user found on Amazon UK, without any watermarks. So why the hell is Bores putting watermarks on these pictures like they’re his? Seems desperate.
“Doctor Who -- The 12th Doctor is Peter Capaldi”
In tribute to Capaldi being the newest Doctor, I will mock this article in the style of his character Malcolm Tucker from The Thick of It. This might get a little harsh.
“And let me be the first to say…uh, we couldn’t find anyone better?” Listen fuckface, do you fucking think in the age of the internet that you’re the fucking first cock to say something about this? Do you see all those whiny cunts on Tumblr fucking crying their eyes out because they fucking can’t write slash-fiction where the Doctor fucks Sasuke from Naruto and has a fucking orgy with One Direction? Get off your fucking high horse cock.
And what the fuck is wrong with Peter Capaldi exactly?
“This Docotr has some big shoes to fill and will have to grow on me for sure.” If you’re fucking going to talk about a show from fucking England, the least you could fucking do is learn how to proofread your own fucking words. Did your cunt mother drop you on your squishy fucking head as a child?
“I’m so used to the Doctor being played by young actors, so it’s going to be interesting to see how ‘Grandpa Who’ handles this role.” Unfuck yourself with horse dildo! The fucking Doctor has been played by older actors since his fucking creation 50 fucking years ago. If they fucking continued making the actors any fucking younger, 12 would have been a fucking chav teenager. I’m fucking glad they got an older man for the role, fucking open your mind you hack.
Now fuck right off and go do whatever the fuck it is you do!
*Tucker mode off* Whew, next story.
“Legend of Zelda: ‘Link’s Shadow’ Video Short”
Another “cool video I found” post. Watching it, I get the feeling this is the type of violence Bores wants in the games. Obviously it won’t happen.
Also, this video is two months old. There was a link to a video here but… see Thursday.
“Metroid: 16bit SNES Mother Brain Finale -- The High Definition Overhaul”
You know, these stories are less actual news and more “Remember these awesome games? Here’s something related to them that fans made. Cool huh?” I know sites like Kotaku and Destructoid do that, but they also report the news!
“Especially over the hole in the wall I made throwing my NES controller during one of my many temper tantrums.” Tell me, how much do spend on carpenters coming in to fix these walls? Oh wait you were attempting one of those things…what were they called… jokes? Yeah, still not funny.
"X-Men: Days of Future Past -- Full Size Sentinel on Set”
Stories from August 6th 2013
“Wolverine Movie Advertisement Bus Fail”
Okay, I can understand posting the Peggle 2 jump for joy, since it happened live and it’s game related. But you’re just posting a picture you found somewhere on the internet, and it’s not even game related. You’re not Failblog Bores, there was no reason to post this.
“Is this a clip from the silly Snickers ‘Need a Break?’ Campaign?" … Why that reference? For those that don’t watch TV or have never seen this commercial, it’s an ad campaign where a group of people are doing some activity (party, poker, football, whatever) and suddenly a celebrity shows up (Betty White, Joe Pesci, Robin Williams) and another guy tells the celeb that they’re being weird because they’re hungry and to eat a Snickers. The celeb does and they turn back to normal (looking like a completely different person).
My question is, what does that campaign have to do with this sign? You could have at least gone with “Go home sign, you’re drunk”. It seems your knowledge of internet memes is non-existent.
“Legend of Zelda CG Movie Pitch Demo Reel”
For whatever reason, Bores mirrored this video to his YouTube channel. I decided to watch it… on Guru Larry’s channel. Because I’m not giving you views for something I can easily watch elsewhere. Also, Larry uploaded it four days prior to Bores, making this old news.
“And Gannon looks better than a pig thing from the first NES game” Once again, it’s spelled “Ganon”, with two N’s, not three. Also, watching this pitch, Ganon looks like he does in Ocarina of Time, or Wind Waker, or Twilight Princess or Smash Bros Melee and Brawl. Have you actually played a Zelda game since the first? You’re constantly going on about being a huge Zelda fan but you have no god damn idea what you’re talking about. Ganon (or Ganondorf) has had a human form for years., he turns into a giant pig as a last resort. I don’t even anymore.. I just… fuck. You‘re an idiot.
UPDATE: And an asshole too.
One of my readers, ZeldaFan, actually commented on this article, giving constructive criticism and correcting him. Here’s what he wrote:
"I strongly disagree, Ganondorf’s pig form (Or Ganon) was awesome. Secondly, just so you know, Ganon’s appeared in other Zelda games. And also quit misspelling his name. It’s ‘Ganon’ not ‘Gannon’."
Here’s what Bores responded with:
"And just so you know, it was spelled Gannon in the first game."
Jeez, has Bores played any Zelda game besides the first? Quit acting like you’re this “overly-nostalgic Zelda fan” when you’re nothing more than a fraud.
But that’s not all! Bores went crying to Facebook about ZeldaFan’s comment. Here’s a screencap:
He offers you criticism and you completely deflect it and call him a hater. See, this is why nobody likes you, and why you’re never going to get anywhere with this “job”.
“Atari 2600 Console Mod -- Pixar’s WALL-E (Look out ROB!)”
Yes, you should look out ROB. WALL-E here can play every 2600 game while you only play two NES games. Seriously, adding that bit was pointless Bores.
“Mysterious Pentagram on Shows up in Google Maps”
Mysterious Pentagram on what? You’ve been doing this for a month, the least you could do is double check what you fucking write.
So where is this Pentagram?
“Not anywhere cool unfortunately.” What would be your definition of cool then? Mars?
“Its smack dab in the middle of the central Asia, in an isolated corner of Kazakhstan.” So how is this not “cool” in your odd mind?
After a Borat reference, he wonders if Satan is involved. You do realize Satan is a fictional character right?
He cites a quote from archeologist Emma Usmanova, who says it’s nothing more than a park shaped like a star. That’s fair. But Bores does not accept this.
“Not sure I like your attitude Emma. Obviously this is the work of Satan’s minions ready to lay claim to the area.” What attitude? She’s telling you the facts. Quit acting like there’s a conspiracy going on here. See, this is what happens when you listen to Alex Jones non-stop.
Also, the pentagram doesn’t just mean Satanism. It’s used in Neopagenism, the Baha’i Faith, it was even used by Christians in ancient times. Don’t you constantly claim you’re a history buff? I’ve read those book reviews about Jesus Christ you did, don’t deny those.
“Skylanders Swap Force -- Official Tower of Time Adventure Pack & Level Pictures”
I’m actually looking forward to Swap Force coming out. Because that means we can have less of these god damn Skylanders stories!
He’s looking over a new pack, and it comes with… Thor’s Hammer, Scrooge McDuck’s Jewel, and Peter Pan’s Clock Tower? What?! *looks at images* What?! Why the references? Just because they look like something doesn’t mean… ugh.
“Superman: Man of Steel -- Composite of Actor’s Faces”
“A 5th Indiana Jones Film? Harrison Ford Talks About the Potential”
“Alec Baldwin Turned Down Villain Role In MARVEL Superhero Movie”
Stories from August 7th 2013
“Top 12 Realistic Drawings of Television Animated Characters”
So, not only is this yet another “cool pictures I found” post, it’s one about pictures soooooo fucking old. I’ve seen these pictures circulating the internet for years! Do you live under a rock Bores?
Couple of other things, the headline says “Television”, but I see Alfred E. Neuman from Mad Magazine (and he spells his name wrong too), Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Mario. Also, why do the tags say Buzz Lightyear and Teletubbies when they’re nowhere on the list? What is going on?!
“DC Injustice: Gods Among Us – Zatanna DLC Announced (6th or 7th?)”
She’s the sixth character announced. Lobo, Batgirl, Scorpion, Zod, Martian Manhunter and now Zatanna. I know you’re bad at math but this is pretty basic.
“And I can’t even keep track any more. With a John Stewart Green Lantern Skin this makes this the 7th downloadable character. But John Stewart wasn’t available by myself so I guess this makes Zatanna the 6th officially?” Oh… you’re just an idiot. John Stewart isn’t a separate character, he’s just an additional skin for Green Lantern. Like the Yellow Lantern skin, or Red Son Superman, or Damien Wayne as Nightwing.
Wait, “by myself”? You mean “by himself” right? How do you make a mistake like that?
“Hit the jump to check out the video of Batman’s former girlfriend: Zatanna” Wait, when did this happen? *does research* It was retconned recently so that Batman and Zatanna were childhood friends, but they were never actually in a relationship. Where are you getting this info Chris? Why did you think Zatanna was Batman’s girlfriend?
By the way, I love how the image Bores used shows the YouTube timeline on the bottom. He didn’t even care enough to crop that out. Why are you even doing this site?
“New DC Comics Cartoon – Metal Men – This Saturday on DC Nation”
“I myself have enjoyed all their comic reincarnations,” What I have said about lying?
“but now the cartoon world will be graced by a whole cartoon featuring Dr Magnus the Metal men” I feel there’s missing punctuation, or missing words. Dr Magnus himself is human, he’s not one of the Metal Men.
“Looks like it stays pretty true to the Metal Men persona’s that I remember, but of course geared for kids. And that means no sexually crazed Platinum, kiddos” Sexually crazed? What? What? *looks up Metal Men* So Platinum believed she was human and fell in love with Dr. Magnus, but since this was a comic from the 1960’s I doubt it got into anything serious.
By the way Chris, this isn’t a full cartoon. It’s merely one of the DC Nation Shorts that airs after a show ends. A full 22 minute Metal Men cartoon would be a BAD IDEA!
“The Simpsons – Legos Coming In 2014!”
Oh wow, this article is a mess.
In the tags, he misspells Simpsons not once, but twice! How?!
And for the fifth time, he marks the year as “2104”. What are you using to type? Get a fucking editor man.
“With all the characters in the Simpsons universe, I expect to be officially broke by 2015” Or you could not buy them? You only got into Lego recently because of Lego Batman 2, and you didn’t bother to buy all those sets. Also, I have serious doubts Lego will release every character, because that’s just stupid.
“Of course this also opens up the possibility of a Lego Simpsons video game. Oy my wallet!” Like I said…
Stories from August 8th 2013
“Super Mario Bros. – Paper Mache Blooper (Bloober)”
Bloober? *looks up Mario Wiki* Oh, that’s what their name was until Paper Mario. Why include both names though? Most people know them as Bloopers.
“Great job, the only thing I can make out of newspaper is a hat that falls apart 5 seconds arter I put it on my head.” *crickets* I think there was something attempted here, but I’m not entirely sure.
“Legend of Zelda Coolness: Master Blacksmith Forges Link’s Master Sword”
Earlier on Monday, when Bores posted the article about that two month old Dark Link video, I originally linked this exact video as an example of timely news. Now he’s done it himself… three days after it was posted. *sighs*
“Only problem is I now want one for my very own to place next to my other swords!” I’m sure the real-life sword that can actually cut people would look great along all your plastic toys. Unless you do have a sword collection, I don’t know, you don’t show or tell us anything about yourself!
“At the end of the video, people take turns slicing up a bunch of things. Too bad they didn’t grab those chicken from the game. harassing those things is the best.” Because I’m sure stabbing a real life still alive chicken is sure to win people over and not get AweMe Channel in heaps of trouble. Hang on, he just referenced the Cuccos. Meaning he has played a Zelda game beyond the first. Then why is his knowledge so fucking inconsistent? Oh right, it’s Bores.
By the way Chris, do you know what happens when you stab the Cuccos multiple times? They swarm you. You can “harass” them but there are consequences.
“Space: Pink Pepto-Bismol Planet Found & Photographed”
Why are you talking about this?
Yeah, it’s safe to confirm that this isn’t a video game news site, it’s just Chris’ personal blog. I’m sure GotGame is sooooo happy they’re funding something that you can get for free by signing up to Tumblr or Blogspot.
“Of course I’m sticking to my own theory of the planet being made out of Pepto-bismol. If you ever get severe stomach problems, just fly on over to the planet and cure yourself. Of course you’d be dead by the time you reached it, but hey it’s the effort that counts.” You see all this Chris? It’s not funny, it’s just moronic. Just because it’s pink, doesn’t mean it’s made out of something. You probably still think the moon is made of cheese.
“The Irate Gamer Video Game -- Coming Soon”
See here: http://irategamersucks.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-long-awaited-reveal-of-irate-gamer.html
“Contra: 8 bit NES Energy Zone Boss – High Definition Overhaul”
Stories from August 9th 2013
“Skylanders Swap Force: Smoulderdash Revealed – Also LightCore Version”
For reasons even Bores can’t understand, this specific Skylander gets a lot of searches on his site. By a lot, he probably means like five, where as the others get two. Do people really use him as a Skylanders source?
He also mentions that Smoulderdash (seriously?) will have a Lightcore version with an “Irate face” *looks at image* How the hell can you see that? This image is so small and blurry, and the figure is all black making it even harder to tell. How much do you want to bet that Bores calls the Angry Face emoticon the “Irate Face”?
“Super Smash Bros. Wii U -- Like we already didn’t know: Luigi Confirmed”
Chris, just because it was obvious, doesn’t give you the excuse to be TWO DAYS LATE with this news.
“Not sure why all the hubbub since he is Mario’s brother” Because it’s the Year of Luigi. Duh.
“Now if they included the Bubble Bobble Characters, that would be something to write home about!!” No. That would be stupid. Ugh… your jokes hurt me.
“Rayman Legends: Mario and Luigi costume skins exclusive to WiiU”
Again, this was announced two days ago, in the same Nintendo Direct that announced the above story. How the hell are you so slow with this?
“Superman vs Batman Movie Villain Tease: Could be Lex Luthor?”
“If your highly anticipating this one,” My highly anticipating? It’s “you’re” not “your” you illiterate fool.
He brings up a rumor that actor Mark Strong will play Lex Luthor in the next movie. Really? Most rumors I’ve heard involve Bryan Cranston. Strange.
“Super Mario Bros NES 8-bit Level Aquarium”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Huh? Sorry I just so don’t care that,,,, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“Pet fish never had it so good! And its so much better than floating dead in a walmart fish tank with all the other dead fish.” That’s… horribly morbid. Can it even be considered dark comedy? Urgh.
“The Irate Gamer Show: The Saga Continues Soon..”
Oh look, news about that thing he does once in a blue moon but is supposed to be doing more often. You know, videos!
He says the next one is coming soon and is working on FX heavy scenes will probably still look like shit. He included an image from the episode which is IG sitting in his room and Wilson is there too.
Oh, sorry. I forgot he’s suddenly a new character now.
“Good ol Wilkens” That’s not even how fucking spell Wilkins. You can’t even get your own recolor’s name right. Just…. Wow.
Skylanders Swap Force: Lightcore Warnado and Flashwing Confirmed
And that’s all for this week. You know, when people say they want Bores to update more, this isn’t what they had in mind.
I’m just going to go take a loooong walk. Clear my head of this insipidness.