Last time on “Chris Bores wants to be Newsarama now”
Is he getting paid by comic book companies?
What will this week bring?
Stories from August 12th 2013
“WWE 2K14: 30th Anniversary WrestleMania Mode Announced”
Oh yeah, Bores was a wrestling fan at one point. Forgot about that.
This story is about how the next WWE game will have a campaign going through the 30 years of WrestleMania. For fans, that sounds really nice.
“Sounds like a winner to me! Unless they decide to revisit the whole Naked Mideon Story Arc. Or the Patterson and Brisco Bra and Panties Match. Then I’m burning my copy!” … Wha?
Okay, doing some research, the first thing he’s referring to was a gimmick from Dennis Knight that happened outside of WrestleMania. I’m pretty sure this mode will only cover what happened in the actual WrestleMania events. The second thing is his lame attempt at a joke since Patterson and Brisco are men.
Besides, he didn’t even mention the greatest part about this game. The ability to play as the Ultimate Warrior! Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel, load it with the words!
*looks at tags* He misspelled The Rock as “the orck”. How do you miss typos that obvious?
“Conan O’Brien Plays Atari 2600 Classics: Clueless Gamer”
Alright! Old news!
“Back again is Conan O’brien as the ‘Clueless Gamer’. Close cousin to the name ‘Irate Gamer,’” Personally, I think that name would fit Bores better. He often has no clue what he’s talking about.
“Some of these will actually be covered in the History of Video Games Part 6 releasing soon in where I cover the Atari system.” How soon is “soon” in your warped idea of time? Keep in mind, it’s been 17 months since the last one. Just stop.
“Food Fight – Food Mascots in Mortal Kombat”
Another picture he found cool, and it’s food related. Of course it is…
Not sure why he calls it Mortal Kombat, it’s just violent fighting. Not all violent fighting is Mortal Kombat.
Hitting the jump reveals he listed every single character in the picture. On the top he lists Kool-Aid Man, or rather “Kool-Aid Guy”. Seriously? He’s a character on your own damn show and you can’t even get his name right? Come on!
“Mega Man: Awesome Video Game Gameplay Mosaic Art”
Stories from August 13th 2013
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Art: Last Turtle Standing”
More awesome pictures he found… yaaaaaay.
Now the title of this series is “goodbye, my brothers…” and Bores wanted to showcase that with italics. Okay, that makes sense. Except he forgot to turn off italics, and the rest of the article is in them, making it half normal and half italics. And you claimed to have worked on newspapers?
“Don’t worry, No need to feel sorry for them because this is only a work of fiction. The real ninja turtles are running around trying to keep the technodrone from destroying us all. thank god.” First of all, it’s Technodrome not “drone”. Pretty sure everyone would see it as an even greater threat if that was the case. Second, and I think this AVGN quote is appropriate here, they’re not real! Stop acting like they’re fucking real!
You’re over 30, you should be able to separate fantasy from reality. If someone tries to claim this is a joke, I ask how is this a joke? There’s nothing to it that seems like humor.
“Epic Best Buy Prank: The Useless Box $99.99”
This refers to a prank by the artist Plastic Jesus, where he places a useless box on Best Buy store shelves and makes it look like a real product. Seen it done before…
“Simply a work of pure genius if you ask me. (Although I do the same thing with my Irate Gamer DVD’s the the Best Buy DVD selection. Take that Best Buy!)” Well, it is the only way you’ll get people to buy them, by tricking them. Not that you’ll get any of the money. Didn’t really think this plan through huh?
“Japanese Woodblock Nintendo Characters – Mario Kart and More”
More pictures… for fuck’s sake!
There’s real news out there! Why not report how the Xbox One no longer requires Kinect to function? Or how Bulletstorm didn’t break 1 million sales and was considered a failure? Or how humans have spent 2.85 million years total playing Call of Duty?
“Disney INfinity: More Sets Announced at D23 – Toy Story, Wreck it ralph”
Stories from August 14th 2013
“Diablo 3: Reaper of Souls Expansion Pack Being Teased?”
Is that… actual gaming news? I don’t believe it! He’s actually talking about something related to video games that isn’t related to god damn Skylanders! Oh wow. .. He’s going to screw this up somehow isn’t he?
*reads though* Not too horrible actua- waaaaait.
“The Console version of Diablo 3 arrivals on PS3 and Xbox 360 on September 3, while the PS4 receives the game sometime next year.” So we’re just going to forget the Xbox One exists? Cause Diablo III is coming to that as well.
“Super Luigi-U Bros. – Luigi Hijacks Chicago’s L Train For Game Release”
Could you be anymore wrong with that title? It’s “New Super Luigi U” not … Super Luigi-U Bros. In fact, “Bros” isn’t even in the title, the logo for the game purposely crosses out that word to show that Luigi is the only playable Mario brother.
“Nintendo recently tweeted this picture of Luigi Hijacking the Chicago L Train to promote the release of the hard copy of Super Luigi U Bros releasing very soon” You really couldn’t find a better word than hijacking? You make it sound like Luigi violently took over the train and held everyone hostage.
“Right after this picture was taken though, the L train stopped in a rough neighborhood and a gang of Koopa Troopa’s walked aboard and pick pocketed hundreds of golden coins from poor Weegee.” Get it? Because Chicago has crime… *pukes* At least he didn’t call them “Koopa Turtles”. He’s learning.
“Funny, I did the same thing at E3.” You’re saying you robbed Luigi? Goody, more jokes where Chris claims he’s a psycho. Haven’t seen these in a while.
“X-men Rogue Almost in The Wolverine Movie”
At least he spelled Rogue right.
He quotes an article about Rogue almost appearing in The Wolverine and how they didn’t do it because it would have felt forced.
“Good idea. Lets not start ‘crowbar’ing people into this movie or we’ll have another Gambit type situation on our hands.” Weren’t you one of the few people defending his appearance in X-Men Origins? You were claiming that all the characters were developed, making me doubt you even saw the movie.
“Although I wouldn’t mind a Bill Compton appearance, but that would be just silly.” Who? *looks him up* Oh, a character in True Blood. Maybe he meant his actor Stephen Moyer? *looks up his roles* No he never appeared in anything related to Marvel, but he’s married to Anna Paquin, who is on True Blood and played Rogue in the X-Men movies. … Yeah, I’m declaring this reference a massive reach.
UPDATE: Good timing that he brought up X-Men Origins: Wolverine here. On August 16th, the good folks at RedLetterMedia uploaded the newest Half in the Bag, where Mike & Jay looked over both solo Wolverine movies. During it, they make two jabs towards IG’s X-Men Origins review, mocking his use of “All that and a bag of potato chips” and the fact he gave it an “A+”.
You can watch it here: http://redlettermedia.com/half-in-the-bag-the-wolverine-vs-x-men-origins-wolverine/
But that’s not all, if you actually go to IG’s video and read the comments, you’ll see one left by RLM’s YouTube channel saying “Amazing review!” Obviously sarcasm if you’re at all familiar with their work. There’s also plenty of RLM fans raiding the comments to, some asking if he’s actually serious with this video. Sadly, he was. All his movie reviews were like that back then. Now, we’re lucky to get anything, and the last movie review was an 11 minute vlog of Man of Stzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz next story.
UPDATE 2: Oh lame, Chris deleted all the comments. I'd post a screencap of RLM"s comment but... I didn't get one. Damn.
“Star Trek Crew Beams Into Microsoft’s Lobby”
At the time I saw this, he didn’t even give this article a picture, or a proper headline. It looks like a mess.
“Microsoft on Monday” That’s interesting, is that a new event, or a new branch of MS? No, it’s just more of his terrible grammar. The acceptable way to say that would have been “On Monday, Microsoft…”
By the way, this story was submitted to him by “Ben the Ubernaut”. I know that name from the comments on GotGame, as one of the only people that actually cares to comment there. Apparently he’s now giving Bores stories.
“Iron Man 3 – Video Gag Reel Outtakes Promotes Blu-Ray, DVD Release”
“Simpsons Tapped out – Rainier Wolfcastle, McBain Newest Character”
Stories from August 15th 2013
“Assassin’s Creed Movie gets new writer”
Forgot this was a thing… I think everybody did. Probably because the story in Assassin’s Creed is kind of dumb.
Wait, it’s coming in 2015? Okay, studios? You need to stop planning everything for that year, it’s extremely crowded already.
“Lets all cross our fingers and hope this movie will be a downright good time!” Hahaha no. Sure it might look pretty, but it will full of bastardized history and a lot of nonsense involving aliens. Also, it will suck even more if the movie follows Altair rather than Ezio.
“Pokemon X/Y 3DS – 100K Sell Out in Hours on Amazon Japan”
Wait a second, a post about Pokemon that isn’t about the one involving toy figures? Maybe he’s improving?
“I didn’t realize this franchise was chugging along with such a powerful following” … What? Where the fuck have you been for the last 15-17 years? Pokemon has always been huge. Were you in a coma in the 90’s when it was at its zenith? Did you completely forget how Nintendo dedicated a good chunk of their E3 Direct to Pokemon?
And what’s weird is what he said on Facebook at one point. A fan asked what his favorite 90’s cartoon was, and he said “I don’t know… Pokemon?” So he knows it existed back then. What is going on?!
“Holy freakin cow! Talk about a home run! Is this a warning sign of things to come when it’s released here in the US in a few months?” Yes! Everyone that’s versed in gaming sales, NPD or Media Create, knows full well just how popular Pokemon is. It’s going to make a fucking killing when it comes, and since this is the first worldwide release it will do even better than before. How do you underestimate this series? Pay! Attention!
“Super Smash Bros Wii U – Pilotwings Stage Teased”
“They are milking all these announcements for all their worth.” Were you completely unaware of the Smash Bros. Dojo back when Brawl was in the works? They had new announcements every day. In fact they were more detailed than the single pictures we’ve been getting here.
“Lets hope for a secret new Bi-plane playable character! Smash those brawlers bi-plane!” …. I don’t even know anymore.
“Japanese Stealth Batman – Square Enix Play Arts Kai DC Comics Variant”
“Look for this item in December 2013 with a price tag of $89 dollars?! Whew, looks like little Joey won’t be getting a Batman figure again this year from ol’ Scrooge Mc-Irate Gamer.” Or you could get him a much cheaper Batman figure. Wait, what am I saying? Joey isn’t fucking real! What is this crap?
Also, the correct term would be “Ebenezer Irate Gamer” or “Irate Scrooge“. Scrooge McDuck wasn’t as terrible a person as Charles Dickens’ Scrooge. If you’re going to do those jokes where you insert your name into things, at least do them correctly. I’m going to go vomit again.
“Portal 2 – Sunburst Turret Replica Toy Statue”
“Breaking Bad – Custom Lego Meth Lab Playset”
Stories from August 16th 2013
“Skylanders Swap Force: Dark Edition Starter Pack”
When does Swap Force come out? *checks* October 13th?! DAMN IT!
“Maybe I’ll pick one up for the dark Wash Buckler and Blast Zone but the others, I’ll just give to little cousin Joey. There, now stop bugging me to play with my Skylanders. They are mine, and I don’t share! Rawr!” Joey! Isn’t! Real! He is a character you made up for your show. Quit pretending he’s actually your cousin. What is going on? This is the second story in two days where he pretends Joey is real.
Also, funny how he says here that he doesn’t share, but at E3 he claimed he plays the game with his family. That doesn’t match up at all!
“Realistic Pokemon Pokeball Replicas For Sale”
More Pokemon news? Maybe someone is ghost-writing the site?
“Want to be a Pokemon Master? Too bad because I’m going to be the master! there can be only one!” So, he didn’t realize Pokemon was still popular, but he knows about the term “Pokemon Master”. I’m so confused.
Two things. One, you can’t call yourself a Pokemon anything until you’ve played the games, and I know you haven’t. Two, Pokemon Masters aren’t actually real. It’s a made-up, intentionally vague term created to prolong the anime and keep Ash as the protagonist. They really should have followed Pokemon Special’s example and have a new protagonist every game arc, with previous characters returning for the remakes.
UPDATE: Hahaha wow, the moment I say I want an animated adaptation closer to the games and manga, the “Pokemon Game Show” event drops a megaton. Coming this October is “Pokemon: The Origin”, an all new animated series following video game protagonist Red and his rival Green (or Blue for Western audiences). If it’s anything like Pokemon Special, it’s going to kick so much ass.
“5,000 Year Old Board Game Token Pieces Unearthed In Turkey”
“Injustice: Gods Among Us – General Zod Man of Steel Movie Skin”
That’s all for this week. Once again, no videos this week either. How much longer is he going to keep up this weak-ass Kotaku?
Here’s something funny though. His post last week about his next episode? 8 comments. Everything this week? 0-1 comments. It’s almost like even his fans don’t care for this crap and only for his videos. Hmmmmmmm.