Friday, May 29, 2015

You're a Kid Now! You're a Squid Now! Still Easier to Listen to Than This "Crazy" Shit

Anyone out there enjoying Splatoon? I loved the demo, buuut I want to wait until the first major update hits. Since they have stated the game will roll out free maps overtime. I did manage to get the Splatoon amiibo 3-pack and reading on how it works, that should provide plenty of fun.

I’m guessing that since today was a major amiibo launch day, Chris’ newest video is about that. … It’s a review of Splatoon. Oooh this is going to hurt.

Oh, but it’s not just a regular IG Neo review. It’s a “CRAZY Review”, as he puts in the title. The only crazy thing is Bores reviewing this on launch day, making it obvious that he barely played the game. “He could have gotten a review copy” That doesn’t mean anything.

*reads description* Uh oh…
“I decided to try a new reviewing approach with this review so I hope you enjoy the new direction.”
This is really going to hurt.
Remember the last time he said he was taking his show in a “new direction”? It didn’t change at all. Though looking back, I think he meant the stupid storyline.

0:00 - 0:25: Apparently, “Crazy” just means randomly yelling words. Where is the joke?
“This is a game where boys and girls can go around…” Not going to mention that they’re squid people?
By the way, he’s doing this review on his “set” instead of his living room, and yet he still records the game with his fucking camera.
“This is a game that endorses vandalism, hmm” *rolls eyes*
“If you try this in real life, you’ll be slapped with handcuffs faster than you can say SPLA-TOW” When he says that last word, the gameplay footage “flies” which is just pretty basic editing. Also, Jet Set Radio is more about actual vandalism. But I doubt he knows that game.

0:26 - 1:04: He goes over character creation, and complains that for your skin tone you can’t choose “Hulk Green or Smurf Blue”. REFERENCES!
Goes through the tutorial, mentions the camera, oh hey more complaints about vertigo. Go see a doctor Chris! By the way, you can go into the options menu and change the camera so it can be controlled with only the Right Stick, without any motion controls.

He keeps referring to the ink spray as “vandalism”. Enough, it’s not funny!
He finally notices they’re squids when they swim around. You should have paid attention to the game!
Then some joke where he realizes they’re squids shooting ink and then claims he doesn’t get it. How is this “Crazy” review any different?

1:04 - 1:28: “I will say this game has some pretty cool-” *obvious audio cut* “PUZZLES you have to solve” Wow that was sloppy. You couldn’t have done the whole line again? You had to stitch it together like the Frankenstein Monster?
Mentions an enemy that removes your ink, he tries to compare it to M-O from WALL-E (the cleaning robot) but gets angry for some reason. I’m just confused…
Something about splatting everything, then a terrible evil laugh. How is it this video is only 3 minutes and it feels like an eternity?
By the way, it’s pretty obvious he’s only playing the single-player. But what else is new? He almost never goes online.

1:29 - 1:52: He mentions the puzzles again
“Solve the puzzles to progress through the game” … Duh.
He also mentions going in different color ink can kill you. … Duh.
And that falling off ledges can kill you OH MY GOD IS THIS A VIDEO FOR 2 YEAR OLDS?!
And then a stupid fake reaction to falling off the ledge. If this another attempt at the PewDiePie audience, you are failing hard.
Then he talks to Spyke and says something about “dying from embarrassment”. Spyke’s supposed to be a Sea Urchin. What’s wrong with that?
Then he gets angry at the “cool kids” and shakes his fist like an old man. I don’t understand what’s going on!

1:52 - 2:34: Here we go, time to talk about the amiibo.
He’s putting a lot of emphasis on the word “exclusive”. Is that supposed to be a joke?
He tests out the amiibo, and learns that you can unlock new stuff as long as you progress through the game. He’s only unlocked the first two levels. YOU SHOULD NOT BE REVIEWING THIS!
After trying the Boy and Squid, he tries… Pikachu. It’s not going to work. Oh look it didn’t work. This isn’t funny.
Then he tells Pikachu to “go to hell” and makes one his ugly “rawr” faces to the camera really up close. Jeeeeez… you want to talk about embarrassment? How can you look at that in editing and not realize just how horrifying that looks.

The video ends saying that if you like puzzles and “vandalism” (ENOUGH!) then you’ll like this. Then he mentions that if you have a “squid fetish” then you’ll like it. Thanks for reminding me that there’s way too much Splatoon porn out there.
Then he holds the game up to the camera and says it’s available now.

… What the hell did I just watch?!
So I guess the “new direction” is just being really fast and trying to do more jokes than actual reviewing. … Wait, how is that any different from before? His “style” before was more jokes than actual reviewing. So it’s just faster? This really doesn’t work.
Oh and of course he didn’t go online or even mention that it existed. The failure never stops!
My head hurts…

83 comments:

  1. Good job getting that Splatoon amiibo 3 pack. Anyways, he just HAD to mention squid fetishes. Wonder what he'll think of hentai?

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  2. My word, his acting was Tommy Wiseau bad in this. Also, add this to my top Wii U titles I want. As for the vandalism thing: it's clear Chris never played Jet Grind Radio or Marc Ecko's Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure .
    Lastly, the Hulk green and Smurf blue mask edits looked about as convincing as Ang Lee's Hulk or the live action Smurfs. Dan, see you Tuesday while I work on Pikachu breeding (try telling mine to go to Hell, Boring Man, and you'll get an Electro Ball where there's no sunshine.).

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    1. I wouldn't mind seeing that. This review made me more eager to see Bores get hurt than usual. Probably because there were 10 times more idiotic faces and unbearable delivery of words than usual,

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  3. If I may say one positive thing, at least he didn't put in any lame squid puns. Other than that, yeah it's another horrible video.

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    1. You expected him to be smart enough to use even one squid pun?

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  4. Stop trying to ruin modern Nintendo for me, a-hole Bores!

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    1. I'm not gonna let this douchebag ruin Nintendo for me in general. (both classic and modern)

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  5. Wow, way to treat your Amiibo figures like crap, Bores, with you literally throwing them around in the video.
    Aside from that, horrible and ignorant review is horrible and ignorant.

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    1. He treats Amiibos just about as well as he treats dead people.

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  6. I got the Splatoon Wii U bundle today, and also bought Smash and enjoyed the hell out of it (for about 30 minutes). I will also enjoy the hell out of Tekken Tag Tournament 2 Wii U Edition (seriously, Bob Richards in a Mario costume is too perfect). I would have gotten to Splatoon, but I had to work for 8 fucking hours at Dairy Queen. Can't wait to finally be a kid, then a squid, then a kid, then a squid, then a kid. My cousin even says he has 2 Splatoon Amiibo sets (squeeeee). Also, would anyone be interested in an unopened Charizard Amiibo?

    P.S. Bores's "review" was cringe worthy. I'm just glad even his fans think that video sucks cock.

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    1. If that unopened Charizard Amiibo is still available, I would be interested. Not for me personally; one of my friend's favorite Pokémon is Charizard and I'm sure he wouldn't mind having an Amiibo figure of him to use in Smash Bros.

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  7. What... was I just watching? So horrible on so many levels.

    I have been looking forward to Splatoon since last E3 and bought it yesterday morning. Have been playing it all afternoon yesterday and about an hour today, and I strongly believe this will be my GOTY. (Also, it's one of the most exciting things Nintendo has done in AGES.)

    Obviously, I never expect quality reviews from Irate Gamer, but... What the heck WAS this?

    How is it POSSIBLE to "review" Splatoon without even ONCE mention the multiplayer mode? It's not really even a game mode, it's THE game mode! When you start the game, the game specifically tells you "YOU SHOULD GO TO THE LOBBY TO PLAY MULTIPLAYER NOW"! Sure, singleplayer is fun too, but multiplayer is what the game consists of!

    Also, you can take the energy to digitally color the Splatoon character "smurf blue", but not to use the video capture card instead of the camera? You need to sort out your priorities!

    There are so many video game reviewers where "Review on launch day" would be a good thing. With IG, that's just "Now with even LESS script than before!"

    This was horrible. Play Splatoon, though. I'm tempted to say that this game alone is worth buying a Wii U for.

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    1. About Irate Gamer doing a Splatoon video, called it. Also, Bores probably wouldn't play multiplayer since that would require actually working together with other people, and we all know he hates that.

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  8. So, my brother and I got Splatoon, and the 3-pack, and a Ness Amiibo, and a Pac-Man Amiibo, and a Silver Mario. My wallet is in serious pain.

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    1. Ness? You are one luck motherfucker.

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    2. I was one of the lucky people that was able to order all of the new amiibo from Gamestop the day their servers crashed. So I'm still waiting on that shipment. Hopefully it will come on Monday.

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    3. My sister works at a GS, so she was able to pre-order Ness and Pac Man for me. I was going to get Silver Mario, but I was out with family when Silver Mario went up on Amazon.

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  9. A "Crazy Review"? Is he trying to be the English-language version of CrazyVideoGammer? Plus, the "Hulk green" and "Smurf blue" comments made me think he wanted to rip off Bob Ross, too, in addition to him shoehorning references.

    Still can't wait to grab Splatoon, though!

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  10. In LadyBuggin news, she seems to think that the point of History of Video Games is him sucking at videogames. Among other things...

    https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8829/18079010919_14525323fd_b.jpg

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    Replies
    1. Are you the guy that went up against her in this thread?

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    2. No, but that was an old friend of mine from college. He helped me edit my Ehrgeiz review. I can also verify his Nick internship.

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    3. Tell your friend that he is a badass and that he should follow this blog and comment more.

      Delete
    4. I think if you watching HoVG you are just watching for the slow motion train wreck.

      The rest of us will watch The Video Game Years.

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    5. Bores now has comments disabled on that video. Wonder why?

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  11. I think by "crazy", Crisbo really meant that he didn't give a damn how incoherent his "review" would be, he'd just do whatever. Too bad he's too incompetent to actually make it work.
    -_-

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  12. The game's great, by the way. I, personally, would recommend getting the game immediately. I'm almost at level ten, and haven't gotten bored yet. The single player isn't bad either.

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  13. My younger brother who usually hates every new game that comes out really loves Splatoon so far.

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  14. Has anyone made a list of all the consoles Bores has claimed to have owned in his childhood? NES, Genesis/Sega CD and Gamecube have been mentioned I think, anymore?

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  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Interesting insight, but don't forget some people are just bad actors.

      The Dunning-Kruger effect has been discussed on this blog before. and there's lots of evidence that Chris not only has little-to-no training in writing or acting, but insufficiently refined taste to educate himself over time. By this explanation, he has no way of knowing that his angry face is not good acting simply due to general incompetence.

      That, combined with a circle of friends (who might have helpful feedback, suggestions, and assistance) so small that he is reduced to being the only actor in his videos, perhaps dooms him to a Dunning-Krugered existence for as long as he's writing or acting. Why his fellow actors have peeled away from his company over the years is unknown (I think), but yes, emotional/relationship problems would explain it. And although I'm not a psychologist either, much of the above suggests a possible narcissistic disorder.

      As for autism, I can't shake the instinct that a genuinely autistic person would be better skilled at, and more knowledgeable about, video games.

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    2. I think BatDan's already mentioned this before, but Chris is a Buddhist. He belongs to a religion that promotes calm and inner peace, which only makes one wonder why he'd even try to play a character that's supposed to be angry all the time.

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    3. He plays an angry character because AVGN.

      As for being a Buddhist, you have to wonder: Mahayana, Hinayana or Theravada? How rigorous a quiz on the basic tenets of Buddhism do you think he'd get a "C" grade on?

      Maybe his translation of the Buddha's Four Noble Truths contains "Suffering derives from the ruination of breakfast."

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    4. And after doing some research...

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    5. I don't think he's a Buddhist, because remember this?

      http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vDTy5CUBvXI/U1SRGNN47aI/AAAAAAAAAMg/YkMDvJXGVqA/s1600/Irate_Gamer_-_JewWario_Respect.jpg

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  16. Bores is now going with the "Content ID System" being the reason for him recording his TV in the comments section.

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    1. Despite the fact that as a "reviewer", he can get away with it (most times, anyway)?

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    2. Not so much, HVGN got hurt in his review of Tetris & Dr. Mario and he forgot he had a blip account before blip started to puss out and became copyright premadonas and slap video producers in the face with bullshit copyright claims and stop paying them, which is one of the main reasons patreon was created.

      And then there;s Angry Joe and what happened to him, nuff said.

      you know it's sad that Zippcast is all we have now for making proper fair use reviews and not having to accept the hoops and loops bullcaca of google, blip and vimeo, and even fucking dailymotion.

      Zippcast is LITERALLY all we have left, and they died 3 times already, let's just hope they actually keep their integrity and not succumb to the next Internet killing Bill or some money-hungry company trying to Co-op.....i mean, buying them.

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    3. Hey hunter, i've been seeing your name in the comments of the splatoon video with people replying to you but i can't even see your comments. Looks like bores either blocked you or deleted them. Here's a comment i found by Bores in his ladybuggin777 account: LadyBuggin777 4 days ago
      +derp.mp3 That's because Hunter is a deranged psycho path that can't stand that IG blocked him for his insanity! No one wants to see that kids comments, that make you want to rip your eyes out of their sockets!!! :)~

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    4. Yeah, "her" words don't hurt me at all, as Bores impersonating his own mom is clearly the psycho. Also, yes, Bores has blocked me on both accounts for quite a while now. However, I have been commenting on a different account now as a certain fighting game villain.

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  17. This review was absolutely terrible! He didn't review the multiplayer mode and his acting is HORRENDOUS! His overreacting is very forced. Is he trying to act like Markiplier the whole time? And he threw his amiibo toys away. Gee, I sure hope you didn't damage them, dumbnut.

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  18. So, if you're a follower of DKVine (I've been visiting the site since the first year they're around), you'd know that the founders Chad McCanna and Hyle "Slush" Russell have recently announced they're going to E3 for the first time on their weekly podcast, "The Kongversation". Anyway, I posted Bores's video not being let into the Ubisoft conference during E3 2011 on their forum, and here's Chad's reaction.

    Whoa. That was... Painful to watch. Did his fans scatter to the winds after that, or is that his typical schtick?

    I guess I'd better show them his review of DKC Returns (I still can't believe he hasn't reviewed Tropical Freeze yet).

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    1. Do it!

      I used to follow DK Vine religiously back around 1999-2003 or thereabouts, and I've posted on the forums a few times.

      Delete
  19. So, Chris Bores confirmed that the reason he directly recorded the TV screen instead of capturing the footage with a DVD recorder or capture card is because of Nintendo.

    You can read Chris' comment here:
    http://i.imgur.com/dU1KLgr.png

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    1. Oh yeah the good old trick of "camera phone" video, like that will get you so far.

      It's fucking petty that people rely on these hoops and loops just because Youtube and Google decided to violate the 1st amendment, you know that fair use was not just some meme youtube poopers came on the spot?

      But i would rather not insult viewers by hurting them with cameraphone, mirroring or speed up videos.

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  20. The Tuesday video's up. It's more ghost shit!

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    1. I don't know who Charlie Charlie is, but Chris is no Ray Stantz. Guess I'll wait till Friday and go watch Star VS the Forces of Evil, then FLCL again .

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    2. My God, it was like self-parody. Like some Tim & Eric sketch about a guy wasting his own time. If the pencil had budged a millimeter, he would have milked it for another hour & then sold the DVD as another 90-minute conversation with a spirit.

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    3. I'm amazed at some of the stupid crap adults believe. And that includes religion...like all of it.

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    4. ResidentialEvil:

      http://atheist-experience.com/

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    5. ResidentialEvil - You're telling me you don't believe in the goddess of tits and wine?

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    6. Hear that Harrod? That is the sound of all my respect for you disintegrating.

      Using that program as an argument? Might as well use a brick wall!

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    7. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, DLAbaoaqu. If you know of a better forum for open discussion and debate of theist, atheist and other philosophical issues, please let me know at once.

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    8. Might I suggest Theologyweb?
      There are very few idiots there.

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    9. Bookmarked it; and I only have one more question.

      What do you, DLAbaoaqu, believe, and why do you believe it?

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    10. Christian, for various personal and intellectual reasons which I will not go into here. Of course, knowing certain parties, they'd scream jingoism because of this admission.

      Blogs like this have no place for a religious discussion. It was ResidentEvil who started it.

      Delete
    11. Don't blame ResidentEvil; he gestured, ever so vaguely, toward a threadjacking. I take full responsibility for seizing on it and actually doing it. But I like this blog too much to make an attention-seeking fight about it.

      I'm glad we each have belief paradigms that make us happy, and maybe someday some kind of 'ultimate' evidence will arise that straightens out whomever is wrong. But for today, we stand together against Irate Gamer.

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  21. BTW, anyone seen the trailer to The Good Dinosaur yet?

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  22. More ghost crap? Nuts to that. *looks up what Charlie Charlie is* *first result is an article about it being a viral hoax* I think that says it all.

    By the way, the new Skylanders was announced. Skylanders: Superchargers. They have cars now. I sooo look forward to the endless videos of Chris saying "these toys look cool".

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    1. *Yawn* They drive cars now? Because Pixar's Cars worked so well!

      Meh, maybe the first installment to NOT interest me at all. If it's cars transforming to robots like Transformers, I'm in. If not, it's not worth my time.

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    2. Transformers, and some versions of Sentai/Power Rangers. I do like games involving cars; but I'm honestly being given yet more reasons to get the original games on PSN. Glad Sony and Insomniac still own the Spyro games they made. I also accepted that they moved onto Ratchet and Clank (just got the HD trilogy, should be fun).

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  23. off-topic: I'm two minutes and fifteen seconds into Kung Fury and already laughing my ass off.

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    1. I watched it the other day. Brilliant parody.

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  24. Hey, when does E3 start? Is IGnoramus going?

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    1. The festivities start on June 14th with the Nintendo World Championships and the Bethesda conference (likely a lot of Fallout 4)

      As for Bores... probably. GotGame continues to be a wasteland so they'll likely bring him.

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    2. If you're a website and your most interesting, well-known person is Bores, you know you're doing something wrong.

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    3. Is that true, though? Has anyone done the work of sifting through the other GotGame contributors and seeing who, if any, are worth watching in a non-ironic spirit? (God, I don't want to be part of ten or fifteen other websites like this)

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    4. I expect him to gloss over major releases of the coming year like Star Wars Battlefront, Guitar Hero Live, Rock Band 4, Star Fox Horizon, and Yooka-Laylee; among others, say "very cool" to everything, even when it looks like crap; and of course make dozens of videos feeding his Skylanders monkey on his back.

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    5. ''The new Skylanders looks super duper coooo! they have CARS now! This is sure to bring me lots of money- I mean fun! Oh, and something about a fallout, but no one cares about that.''

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  25. It's past 9:00 PM in Bores' time zone. I wonder when he'll upload his Friday video?

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  26. Replies
    1. A contender for my favorite Midway game . This is going to hurt.

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  27. New IG is Spy Hunter. I'll get ready for the drinking game at home, my brother just graduated high school .

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    1. 1:07, a new record. TMNT reference aside; I'm going to need all 23 flavors of my Dr. Pepper to get through this. Also, the way he said "Bullshit" reminded me of Joey Lauren Adams the first time; and by extension, Nostalgia Critic's review of Bio-Dome.

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    2. He once again has the gall to ask for my favorite moment. Personally, there's not a single one in that review that didn't make me want to have him gunned down by that car. Dan, I look forward to your recap of this tripe.

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    3. Barely 30 seconds in and there's already a fatal flaw - He inserts the game cartridge into the NES without pushing it down.

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    4. And of course, no mention that it had been a hit arcade game (but who knows, maybe he stole footage from the arcade version).

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    5. Also he uses the same game over screen everytime just look at the score. Even at his montage just look at the score, it goes back and forward, its a total mess. Not a slide bit of effort.

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    6. You're expecting effort from Crisbo at this point? Isn't that a bit too much to ask for at this point?
      o_O

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