You're a Kid Now! You're a Squid Now! Still Easier to Listen to Than This "Crazy" Shit

Anyone out there enjoying Splatoon? I loved the demo, buuut I want to wait until the first major update hits. Since they have stated the game will roll out free maps overtime. I did manage to get the Splatoon amiibo 3-pack and reading on how it works, that should provide plenty of fun.

I’m guessing that since today was a major amiibo launch day, Chris’ newest video is about that. … It’s a review of Splatoon. Oooh this is going to hurt.

Oh, but it’s not just a regular IG Neo review. It’s a “CRAZY Review”, as he puts in the title. The only crazy thing is Bores reviewing this on launch day, making it obvious that he barely played the game. “He could have gotten a review copy” That doesn’t mean anything.

*reads description* Uh oh…
“I decided to try a new reviewing approach with this review so I hope you enjoy the new direction.”
This is really going to hurt.
Remember the last time he said he was taking his show in a “new direction”? It didn’t change at all. Though looking back, I think he meant the stupid storyline.

0:00 - 0:25: Apparently, “Crazy” just means randomly yelling words. Where is the joke?
“This is a game where boys and girls can go around…” Not going to mention that they’re squid people?
By the way, he’s doing this review on his “set” instead of his living room, and yet he still records the game with his fucking camera.
“This is a game that endorses vandalism, hmm” *rolls eyes*
“If you try this in real life, you’ll be slapped with handcuffs faster than you can say SPLA-TOW” When he says that last word, the gameplay footage “flies” which is just pretty basic editing. Also, Jet Set Radio is more about actual vandalism. But I doubt he knows that game.

0:26 - 1:04: He goes over character creation, and complains that for your skin tone you can’t choose “Hulk Green or Smurf Blue”. REFERENCES!
Goes through the tutorial, mentions the camera, oh hey more complaints about vertigo. Go see a doctor Chris! By the way, you can go into the options menu and change the camera so it can be controlled with only the Right Stick, without any motion controls.

He keeps referring to the ink spray as “vandalism”. Enough, it’s not funny!
He finally notices they’re squids when they swim around. You should have paid attention to the game!
Then some joke where he realizes they’re squids shooting ink and then claims he doesn’t get it. How is this “Crazy” review any different?

1:04 - 1:28: “I will say this game has some pretty cool-” *obvious audio cut* “PUZZLES you have to solve” Wow that was sloppy. You couldn’t have done the whole line again? You had to stitch it together like the Frankenstein Monster?
Mentions an enemy that removes your ink, he tries to compare it to M-O from WALL-E (the cleaning robot) but gets angry for some reason. I’m just confused…
Something about splatting everything, then a terrible evil laugh. How is it this video is only 3 minutes and it feels like an eternity?
By the way, it’s pretty obvious he’s only playing the single-player. But what else is new? He almost never goes online.

1:29 - 1:52: He mentions the puzzles again
“Solve the puzzles to progress through the game” … Duh.
He also mentions going in different color ink can kill you. … Duh.
And that falling off ledges can kill you OH MY GOD IS THIS A VIDEO FOR 2 YEAR OLDS?!
And then a stupid fake reaction to falling off the ledge. If this another attempt at the PewDiePie audience, you are failing hard.
Then he talks to Spyke and says something about “dying from embarrassment”. Spyke’s supposed to be a Sea Urchin. What’s wrong with that?
Then he gets angry at the “cool kids” and shakes his fist like an old man. I don’t understand what’s going on!

1:52 - 2:34: Here we go, time to talk about the amiibo.
He’s putting a lot of emphasis on the word “exclusive”. Is that supposed to be a joke?
He tests out the amiibo, and learns that you can unlock new stuff as long as you progress through the game. He’s only unlocked the first two levels. YOU SHOULD NOT BE REVIEWING THIS!
After trying the Boy and Squid, he tries… Pikachu. It’s not going to work. Oh look it didn’t work. This isn’t funny.
Then he tells Pikachu to “go to hell” and makes one his ugly “rawr” faces to the camera really up close. Jeeeeez… you want to talk about embarrassment? How can you look at that in editing and not realize just how horrifying that looks.

The video ends saying that if you like puzzles and “vandalism” (ENOUGH!) then you’ll like this. Then he mentions that if you have a “squid fetish” then you’ll like it. Thanks for reminding me that there’s way too much Splatoon porn out there.
Then he holds the game up to the camera and says it’s available now.

… What the hell did I just watch?!
So I guess the “new direction” is just being really fast and trying to do more jokes than actual reviewing. … Wait, how is that any different from before? His “style” before was more jokes than actual reviewing. So it’s just faster? This really doesn’t work.
Oh and of course he didn’t go online or even mention that it existed. The failure never stops!
My head hurts…