So I’ve played Splatoon now. Bores got sooooo much wrong, then again he barely said anything in his review.
First off, those “puzzles” were just basic gameplay mechanics. To get up walls, you shoot ink and swim up them. That’s not really a puzzle.
This is what happens when you try to emulate PewDiePie instead of actually putting effort into your video.
What did this week bring?
Tuesday’s video was about the… Charlie Charlie challenge. I looked it up, it’s a really REALLY low budget Ouija board done with pencils and paper. Basically, it’s a dumb children’s game. Chris might as well have made a video where he plays Bloody Mary, or hell Candyman. Who needs reality and science? Ghost magic yo!
Friday is a new IG episode. This time on Spy Hunter. I still don’t understand why he thinks “nitpicking non-existent flaws in good games” is better than “reviewing bad games”. Where is the logic?
The good news is that this episode is short, clocking in at 6:35. The last three episodes were over 10 minutes long so this is nice (though the Punch-Out video would have been shorter if not for the long ass montage).
“Another Madcap episode of The Irate Gamer!” I sense more false advertising here.
“This time we are taking a look at a favorite classic of mine, Spy Hunter. I will hunt this one down in the process!” *sighs* This is going to be the same shit. “I love this game, but it’s fucking terrible! Watch me destroy it!” Then the fans will be surprised that you hate the game, and then in your Let’s Play you try to damage control saying “I like the game guys, why do you think I hate it?” I don’t know, because you smashed an eggplant on Kid Icarus and threw Punch-Out against a punching bag? How are you this dense?
Intro now has a bit from the Punch-Out review.
0:17 - 0:36: Claims everyone that had an NES played Spy Hunter (or they more likely played it in the Arcades, where it originated), says it involved car chases, power-ups, and “tons of women throwing themselves at the main character”. I just see one woman next to him, the other is pointing a gun. How is this “throwing themselves” at him?
He puts the cartridge in but he doesn’t push it down! It’s not going to work Bores! He even turns the power on this time. I guarantee his TV will show nothing… in real life at least. In his stupid reality, it will somehow work. Just like how he can control modern console games without turning the controllers on.
0:36 - 2:10: At least he acknowledges it’s a port of an Arcade game.
He starts the game, getting dropped off so the “fun can begin”. He dies four times and cries that “this isn’t fun, this is bullshit”. There’s something really off on the way he says bullshit.
He complains about all the ways you can die. All of which look like his fault, despite his claim that they’re “bullshit”. Okay DarkSydePhil.
Then he screams into his Arkham Origins pillow. This way he can hide is immensely bad acting.
Now it’s TIME FOR PADDING! IG lists off every enemy he can find in the game and “explains” how they’re “bullshit”. At one point he snarls, at least I think he snarls. His anger is so unconvincing, how can anyone say he’s genuine.
I imagine if Bores ever played an RPG, it would have four minutes of listing off every enemy in the game as he wouldn’t be able to find any actual points.
By the way, at 1:50, pay attention to the Game Over screen. Notice here that the score in game doesn’t match the score in the screen. Now keep this screen in mind, and the score of 10215
More complaining about death, then he edits in multiple drop off trucks because of “too much dying”. Bored.
2:11 - 3:29: He mentions that the game gives you infinite lives and operates on time instead, and if the time runs out and you die, it’s Game Over. Of course he gets one, leading to an exaggerated falling scene. Put some socks on!
Onto the Weapon Trucks. After he mentions one, the weapon effects him in “real life”. The oil slick causes oil to appear, the smoke screen causes smoke to appear, and the missiles fire one at him and put a hole in his wall (complete with the HD stock explosion, it’s been a while hasn’t it?) Where’s the joke? Good question.
He brings up that the missiles are used to destroy the helicopters, but they’re never around. He dies then continues and sees a helicopter. He pointlessly references Star Trek (you’re guess is as good as mine) but he doesn’t fire a missile because he died before. To be honest, I thought this was a stupid edit not realizing that he had actually continued. Also, he bitches about the fact that dying makes him lose the weapon. How do you not understand basic concepts that in many other games? Yes, dying makes you lose your upgrades, it’s really common in the shoot-em-up genre (and Spy Hunter is kind of like a shoot-em-up). But apparently this concept was so foreign to IG that he grabs his NES and… does something to it offscreen. I don’t know, I’m just more impressed that he was able to get it working when it’s obviously not plugged in.
Still “irate”, comes across an obviously edited truck with a “minus” symbol on it, he goes in and it blows up with another stock explosion. … How is this funny?!
Oh and see the Game Over screen? Notice the 10215 and how the score in the game didn’t match? Isn’t sloppy editing great?
3:30 - 4:13: He mentions the forks, calling them “life-altering decisions”. … I’ve got nothing
OH GOD DAMN IT! He used the Mario pause sound again. Stop that! Not every game has that! It’s really distracting. Just pause like normal!
Anyway, this leads to a bit where he decides what path to go. He complains that the only change is where the beach shows up. What’s weird is he goes down the left path, but when he shows the comparison of the two paths the beach is “Right Path” and the dock is “Left Path”. This is just weird.
Another pointless Mario effect, and another bit of choosing where to go. You know, without the enemy listing and this bit, the video would only be like four minutes.
He goes down the right path, leading to… going into the Legend of Zelda. I bet if his idol Seth McFarlane saw this, even he would say this is too fucking random.
IG goes over the various locations, including a cemetery. He dies again, and it somehow spawns a grave stone. Next…
4:14 - 5:11: IG brings up a “Spy Hunter” secret that entailed “Spy Hunter bragging rights”. Meaning the boat level. For some reason as he talks, the camera is weirdly zooming in. I don’t understand this. Is he in front of a green screen gone wrong? It’s not like that scene needed green screen.
He brings up that to access the boat level you need to do a very specific set of maneuvers. Or you could just take the left bridge three times, at least according to this FAQ I’m reading.
He tries a couple times, fails, but then goes through the boat stage and reaches the snow part of the road. He complains that the helicopters are the same color as the snow. A good point but no reason to call Midway “assholes”
The video ends with IG stating that the game has no ending, it just goes on. True.
But he doesn’t believe that, and we get a “montage” of IG trying to beat the game. Though calling it a montage is generous as there’s not even any music. Did I say four minutes? I meant two!
At one point, he checks his wrist as if he’s wearing a watch. You’re not wearing one! Why would you check that?
After a while he realizes there’s no ending… so he edits one in where the car goes off a cliff, blows up, and fake text saying you’ve reached the end of the game. Likely an excuse so he could throw the game out the window. I adore this cognitive dissonance!
Then the same 10215 Game Over screen.
Yeah that sucked…
It’s amazing really, that even at six and a half minutes, he somehow finds three ways to pad the video out. How can anyone say this is good? Please, explain to me.
Also, no mention of the Peter Gunn theme? Though I don't think Bores' knowledge of old TV extends that far.
And now to wait for the eventual Let’s Play where he tries to claim that he really loves the game, and that destroying it was all “part of the act”. Look, that shit doesn’t fly anymore Chris. At least when other people destroy games, they’re bad ones. Even when they review good but flawed games, they don’t destroy them. You really don’t understand how this works Chris.