The end of Summer is fast approaching. Kids are going back to school, the weather is getting cooler, TV shows come back, but one thing that remains constant is Chris Bores’ lack of talent.
There was no video Tuesday, but we’ve got one for Friday. Remember how he was so dedicated to three videos a week, but then went down to two, but now he can barely do one.
It’s a new History of Video Games, hoo boy. Four months after the last one. At a length of 5:18, it won’t make a dent.
*reads title* “Atari Console Video Games 1978-80” Okay good, he’s not going to do just 1978 like he said he would in the last video. Maybe he realized that covering a single year was a beyond idiotic idea.
0:03 - 1:14: It’s 1978, mentions how Atari spent $5 million on marketing (citation needed), shows some modern stock footage when he mentions the $5 million, shows a bit of the Atari commercial with Pete Rose. Nothing too horrid so far.
He starts with Basketball, shows a bit of it, and fails a half-court shot.
He moves onto Hangman. He manages to get two A’s leading to the puzzle looking like this “A_A_”. He tries “Adam” but fails, then he tries “Atam” (that’s not a word Bores!), then he tries “Ajax”, and then just keeps guessing random letters until he loses and learns it’s “Away”. For some reason this shocks him (it’s not a rare word Chris, I’m sure you hear it all the time from Toys R Us telling you they don’t have new Skylanders in stock) and he calls the game a “piece of crap”
He also points out that there’s something coming out of the Hangman’s crotch and “blah blah kids game”. Pretty sure that’s meant to be a building in the background. That’s my guess. Atari didn’t put dicks in their games (that was Mystique).
EDIT: Turns out that's supposed to be a tail, as the "Man" is really a monkey. That's kind of clever. Thanks to Harrod for pointing this out.
1:15 - 1:57: He brings up Breakout, plays a bit, loses.
Then he moves onto Night Driver, mentions that it has a “first-person view” (really early first-person), remarks that it’s like “driving his own car” and of course he sucks at the game. With terrible over-the-top screaming and montage of him crashing that goes a bit long.
He gives up, then the car from the game hits him. NOT! FUNNY!
1:58 - 2:45: Onto 1979, Atari released more sports games. Leading to a reaaaaallly dumb bit.
He mentions Football, and gets hit with a football. He mentions Baseball and gets hit with a baseball. He mentions bowling, and a bowling ball tries to hit him, but he dodges it, taunts the game, and gets hit with a bowling pin. Ugggggh.
Really? You really thought it was a good idea to recreate “Real Real Gaming”? One of the lowest rated videos on your channel because it was a dumb predictable joke (and made you look like an idiot when you responded to “Welcome to the show” with “Welcome”)
Also, two of those games came out in 1978. Only Bowling actually came out in 1979.
More stupid bits. He looks at Human Cannonball, where he inserts himself into the game and gets fired out of a cannon. So are you going to explain how any of these games work or play?
Then he looks at Sky Diver and inserts himself into the game. Then he looks at Canyon Bomber and does the exact same fucking thing. WHAT IS THE JOKE CHRIS?!
2:46 - 3:15: Onto Superman! Which he claims is the first video game based on an established franchise. Well, Death Race the arcade game is based on the movie Death Race 2000, and while that didn’t become a franchise until later, I still think it counts.
You fly around, you pick up enemies, and you can… “check out the sexy Lois Lane” *looks at her sprite* Her?
This leads to one of the dumbest bits I think I’ve ever seen him do. He dresses up in what’s possibly the laziest Superman costume possible. He didn’t even get a Superman t-shirt or tape the logo on. It’s just a blank blue shirt. And I’m pretty sure his cape is a blanket. You use blanket capes when you’re eight! Not thirty-something!
Then he uses his “X-Ray Vision” and I swear the effect he uses came straight out of MS Paint. He uses it on the Lois sprite and her green dress “disappears” as Bores essentially colored the entire sprite the same brown color as her skin. Then Bores curses the pixel limitations.
…. I’m done. I am so fucking done. I am more done than done! I am a well done steak! *walks away*
*returns with a medium-rare steak* Just two more minutes.
Also, what is it with Bores and doing the laziest Superman possible? This reminded me of the very first Chris & Scottie video (the really old one that looked even worse than usual) where Scottie was Clark Kent and he turned into Superman by taking off his fake glasses and putting on his beanie. He didn’t even have a Superman shirt or anything. How is this so difficult Bores? You can find Superman shirts everywhere.
3:16 - 4:48: He mentions that Atari ported more games from their Arcade “li-bury” like Circus, Steeple Chase (thankfully he doesn’t do a stupid minute-long bit where he pretends to be a bunch of horses) and Outlaw, leading to a bit where he tries to shoot the other guy, hits the cactus instead, and loses. How can you fail so hard? Also, more of that annoying fake “Game Over” text. Stop that Chris, we can tell that’s not from the game!
He then brings up how Atari licensed other games to bring to the system, noting Space Invaders as one of the big titles.
EDIT: Something is wrong with the Space Invaders footage. It's too colorful, the Atari 2600 version only had one color pallette at a time. Here in the AVGN's Atari 5200 video, you can see him playing Space Invaders on the 2600. Look at how there's only one color.
Here it looks like Bores is playing the Arcade version, which does have a color version contrary to what he says in the comments about Space Invaders only being in black & white. http://imgur.com/PPck7v8
Why would Bores lie again? Why does he keep lying? If this is meant to be educational, why does he keep getting things wrong?
Thanks to Hunter the Hunter for the image.
Then he mentions how Nolan Bushnell wanted to make a new console, but the higher-ups didn’t, he got fired, and went on to create Chuck E. Cheese. I love how he never mentions specific dates for any of this. The video mentions 1980, but Bushnell’s termination happened in 1978. Wouldn’t it make more sense to mention this first then move onto 1979 and 1980 games? Am I just crazy?
The video ends announcing the next part will be about the Intellivision.
Despite its short length, this is probably one of the worst parts, mostly for how utterly terrible the sketch bits were. This might be some of his laziest comedy yet, it’s like he has no idea how to be funny. He’s like an alien trying to understand the HU-MAN culture.
Plus the history is all over the place. As I said in the last point, he brings up Bushnell’s firing last like it took place in 1980, when it didn’t. He doesn’t seem to understand how to structure this, he should be going in a linear order. Start with 1978, then 79, then 80.
Maybe Chris originally planned for the video to be ONLY 1978 but didn’t have enough material and only filled out the middle without adjusting the ending. Who knows…
I’m not quite done. Couple of things I wanted to mention.
If you go to the Pursuit of the Paranormal site, you’ll see the title of Chris’ book. It’s called, and I wish I was kidding, “Ghost Hunting 2.0”. Seriously?
There’s an article that describes the book too.
“Chris Bores is a leading paranormal communicator.” Source: Chris Bores. Show me someone that said this that isn’t a family member or close friend.
He goes on about his psychology and “ancient texts” and all that bullshit that wouldn’t help anyone find ghosts.
He also has a list of questions he claims the book answers. My favorite asks “What do aliens have to do with the paranormal?” No Chris, no. Aliens actually have a possibility of existing (our universe is vast, they could be out there). Ghosts aren’t real.
The cover is pretty bad too. I can barely tell what it is. It looks like amateur photoshop, which given the average age of Chris’ audience, it probably is.
The other thing I wanted to mention involves the Outnerd the Nerd contest, yes the one Chris claims he entered and got “snubbed”
Thanks to Ben and his searching skills in the Wayback Machine, we now know the rules for the contest and can poke a few more holes in Chris’ story.
The contest ran from August 20th to September 16th 2007. Chris only uploaded one video during that time, his TMNT “review”. That could possibly explain why it’s similar to the AVGN’s video… but it also shows that he was lying when he said all the videos he made in Summer 2007 were made for this contest. The MUSCLE “review” was released August 17th, so there was no way it was made for the contest, or any of his other ones.
It’s likely that Chris broke one of the contest rules. “ Movie submission must be an original, not previously published segment and cannot use any or all of anyone’s User Movie that has previously been posted on GameTrailers or any other website.” Since those videos were posted on YouTube beforehand, he was likely disqualified.
There’s also this rule “All entries must be uploaded via the GT User Movie Submission tool”. It’s likely Chris didn’t upload anything to GameTrailers, another reason he likely lost.
Something tells me his entire story about the Outnerd the Nerd contest was fabricated. Just one of the many lies he told in that video.
Once again, thank you Ben for finding the rules.
EDIT: My informant found some "interesting" comments I feel need to be addressed.
One user asks how long it takes to make an episode. Bores responds "too long". Bullshit, this video feels like it was rushed in a few days. If it takes a long time, surely you could have gone into more detail, surely you could gotten a Superman shirt.
One user bitches about how the fans love the History videos, but hate the Skylanders videos. Oh booo hooooooooo! He responds claiming that he has "a lot of crowds to please". What crowds? You barely get any views! Playing along, the most you have is two "crowds". Video games, and Skylanders. What are you talking about?
You said yourself in the announcement of the book video that your channel "isn't as big as it used to be". Then he contradicts himself as "Linda" by saying he's still immensely popular and the haters are just "jealous". I'm starting to think Chris might have dissociative identity disorder, it would explain the completely different attitude when he pretends to be his mom.
One user asked how many times he's going to use the "I regret nothing" line. He responds "As many times as it takes" So Bores knows he repeats the same tired jokes but he doesn't care. Good to know he's accepted being an unfunny hack.
This one pissed me off. One user claimed he learned so much (I don't believe it) and Bores responds "excellent, probably shows that I love teaching" ... NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are not a teacher! You are not educational! You misconstrue facts, you get things wrong, you outright lie! The only people that believe you're actually educational are unwashed ignorant fools that don't know any better!
And what's worse, he contradicts himself again! One user pointed out that the man in Hangman is really a monkey. He responded "yep, but I had to do something with it". So he willingly admitted he lied! That is not how you teach! If you want to teach through comedy, you have to use the truth! Oh my god! How does he keep getting away with this? Why is nobody calling him out? Why do I feel like I'm the only one calling him out? Where is everyone? What the hell is going on?!
*sighs* Sorry, I'm just stunned at the idiocy displayed.