Nothing but paid promotional crap on the main IG channel. One video where he promotes a box. I’m not a kidding, a Kickstarter for a Magic the Gathering box that even MTG fans say is a bad idea. He mentions Nick “SWAGshow” Hugget in the description. I thought that bridge was burned a long time ago? Guess not…
Followed by Chris offering free trials to a site that provides stock footage and effects, which I’m pretty sure he’s only doing as he gets kickbacks for it. Is that money going into the Irate Gamer? I doubt it, it’s more than likely going into Puppet Steve. You better tell your fans about that Chris, they’re getting angry that you’re not doing anything of substance.
I guess now is a good time to start covering the Minecraft Puppet Steve channel. As of this post there are 24 videos, so I’ll attempt to cover them in three parts. Dedicating an entire post to each individual one would be a waste of space and energy due to their short length (longest video is only 4 minutes).
Video #1: Minions Megabloks Castle Playset Review - Marty and Muffin Puppet Show
The first couple videos don’t actually have Minecraft Puppet Steve, instead they feature original puppets named Marty and Muffin. Well, to call “Muffin” original would be stretching it.
Marty is so obviously Chris’ voice, barely hidden.
As the title indicates, they’re going to look at a Minions Mega Bloks set.
“I love the Minions” I can see Muffin has terrible taste.
And the first joke has Marty getting “crushed” by the bags containing the Blok pieces. … Already bored.
Marty tries reading the instructions upside down… uhhh le grill? Is Marty supposed to be retarded?
Then Marty claims he can build the whole set in 10 seconds, and tells Muffin to time him. So we get a boring sequence where Muffin counts to 10 while Marty flails like a moron.
“Oh what the heck is this?” … That’s the Union Jack, the flag for the United Kingdom. Okay, if any parents are reading this, do not let your kids watch this series. It’s anti-educational.
When the 10 seconds are up, it looks finished, oh wait it’s the box covering his mess. Holy shit I was just joking about the “le grill” part, that’s exactly the “Homer tries to build a grill” scene from Mom & Pop Art.
Then Muffin explodes and starts flying around, somehow building it. Represented by the pieces moving around and sped-up footage. I imagine this is where all the effort went.
“How did you do that?” “I’m a magic muffin.” … Okay.
So Marty shows all the “things” you can do. I guess these are based on scenes from the movie? I don’t know, I didn’t see that crap.
Marty then shows the “best thing” to do… party with the Minions. Oh fuck this noise.
Barely a review. Just “here’s the thing, here’s some of the possible things you can do”. He didn’t go into ease of construction, or quality or anything that actually sounds like a review. Just the terrible brand of “wackiness” Chris has come to show us before he turned the IG channel into “All Ads All The Time”.
Video #2: Gravity Falls JazWares Figures Review & BILL CIPHER DESTRUCTION (Marty & Muffin)
Noooo, I’m still sad that this show is over. Don’t rub it in Chris.
Marty mentions the figures are new, twice. No excuse Chris, this is very clearly scripted!
“These things are so-weeter than I am” I imagine if Muffin stuck around, there would be a lot more painful food jokes. Also I typed sweeter out like that because of the weird way he pronounces it.
Marty plans to open the box with scissors. You don’t really need scissors to open that.
Muffin warns him it might be booby-trapped. … Why? Why would the box be booby-trapped?
Marty touches the box and it explodes. … What’s the joke? “It might be trapped” “No it isn’t” “Except it is!” That’s barely anything. It’s not even a Gravity Falls reference.
Somehow the explosion get the figures out of the box. Marty then coughs up Styrofoam. Not sure if that’s meant to be his teeth or explosion dust.
He lists off the characters, Muffin remarks that he doesn’t like Gideon, then Marty shows all six in the photos and literally counts from one to six. How old do you think the kids watching are?
“Yep, this is also an educational show” Fuck you! You’re about as educational as the Oogieloves.
There’s a scroll with the image of Bill Cipher, and Marty sees there’s more figures on the back of the box. Muffin then uses his “magic” (ugggh) to bring in those figures. Parents, do not let kids watch this. Seriously.
He lists off these figures, shows off they have articulation, let me stop here. When Chris does a close-up of a figure and holds it in his hands, he’s wearing these giant blue gloves and it looks really awkward and out of place. Completely shattering the suspension of disbelief (what little there was).
More scrolls, then Marty compares the two Dipper figures, and he says he doesn’t want them to be any bigger. Why not?
Then … Bill Cipher shows up. This feels insulting. He’s going to give him bigger figures, and he does. Rather, he just creates images of the larger Dipper figure. Then he drops a giant one onto Marty. Ah yes, the classic “shit falls on Bores” bit. Somehow he has not gotten tired of that.
Then Bill drops another one, and then a massive one through a stock image of a house. Oh come on, I saw the house disappear for a couple frames. That is sloppy!
Chris, if this is the worst you make Bill Cipher do, then you seriously lack imagination. This is a guy whose first action was to pull all the teeth from a deer and offer them to Gideon, and then laugh off being called insane. And it’s still a show for kids. This is why you’ll never work on DuckTales Chris.
Again, barely a review. He shows off the figures, then shows off more, the most he mentions is how they have articulation. If Chris expects people to take him seriously with these puppet videos, then to quote Bill Cipher “It’s funny how dumb you are”.
Video #3: Minecraft The End Ender Dragon Mojang Playset mini figures puppet steve
Marty and Muffin show off the playset. Muffin is scared because it’s a dragon. … It’s a fucking toy!
Which Marty does point out, it’s nothing but a toy. But then the Ender Dragon’s eyes glow red and he shoots a stock fire effect. What is Chris’ obsession with toys coming to life and doing evil things?
Marty tries to open the box, but the Ender Dragon manages to pierce the plastic and set his hair on fire. “I think my hair is on fire” Where’s the funny?
And then… he shows up.
Puppet Steve makes his appearance. Sorry Marty, the channel belongs to him now.
“That’s not just any Ender Dragon, that’s a Level 5 black Ender Dragon”. Couple of things. One, the Ender Dragon doesn’t have levels, the only thing in Minecraft that does is you, the playable character. Does Chris think Minecraft is like D&D? Two, the Ender Dragon doesn’t come in other colors. He’s only black. Three, despite being a channel hosted by a Minecraft character, it’s pretty clear that Chris knows nothing about the game.
More proof? Steve goes on about how hot his fire breath is. I asked someone that played Minecraft, and the Ender Dragon does not breathe fire. His breath is more like acid. At least try to research this if you’re going to dedicate an entire channel to it.
Steve claims his fire breath goes up to 5000 degrees Fahrenheit and can burn your eyebrows off your face. If there was a creature that breathed a substance that hot, I’m pretty sure my eyebrows would be the last thing I would be worried about. I’d be more concerned with my whole god damn face!
Oh, he says eyebrows so they can do a dumb joke where Marty freaks out and Muffin reminds him he has no eyebrows. Blaaah…
So Steve opens the package, and like Marty we get close-ups with Chris wearing awkward looking gloves. I’m sorry, it’s just really wrong looking.
Oh did I say open the package? I meant a dumb sequence where opening the package is being treated like diffusing an armed bomb.
Steve removes the toy, and hits it in the head which somehow tames it. This is so dumb…
Steve shows off all the “awesome” things you can do, like move its tail and neck, and have it pose with the tiny Steve that comes with it… you know, these barely articulate action figures don’t seem like fun toys. Maybe I’m just jaded.
And I guess that’s the entire review portion.
The Ender Dragon somehow disappears, then somehow grows giant size (Chris filming it up close). Sooo they get burned right? Nope, Marty asks if they could ride him and he agrees. WHERE’S THE JOKE?!
Then in the end slate, Marty is blown up by a Creeper. I’m going to assume he’s dead now since Puppet Steve takes over from here. Bye!
Video #4: Minecraft Reviews Survival mode Figures Mattel Unboxing - Puppet Steve
Despite this being a Puppet Steve video, the intro still introduces Marty & Muffin. Smoooth.
We also meet the other character of these videos, Zombie Steve. He’s a zombie. First thing he says is “brains”. … Hooray for lazy!
Anyway, five six-inch Minecraft figures.
Steve asks Zombie Steve if they’re cool, ZS just stays “brains” again, Steve says he has a one-track mind and hits him off the set. Yep, this is a Chris Bores video alright, attacking someone you don’t want to have around. Great lesson for the kids!
First he looks at Steve. It has “karate chop” action, including a shot of Chris using the toy on a tree. I can see snow so maybe those gloves are keeping him warm.
Then he shows off more of his Steve toys as you can “never have too many Steves”. Blaaaah…
Then he looks at the wolf, he makes it do tricks (which it obviously can’t do), then he tells it to “Play Dead, Play Alive” and “Play Hello”. Which then cuts to the wolf imposed over a woman singing something with the pitch turned all the way up. *looks in comments* Apparently that was meant to be Adele and her song Hello. I could barely tell with that god damn pitch change. I don’t know anything about current pop (I stopped listening to Todd in the Shadows after he openly defended a pedophile).
Next is a sheep. It comes already sheared.
“Whoa, I thought this was supposed to be a kids show” You’re not funny and nobody likes you!
“Let’s get some clothes on this sheep” That’s wool! Just because it’s used to make human clothes doesn’t mean it’s sheep clothes.
The toy comes with shears, he tries to “shear it” by hitting it, which somehow causes the wool to fly into his eye. Okay how did that even work? The perspective shows that the wool flies away from him, yet somehow it turns around and hits his eye? Fucking hell Chris, I know it’s a puppet show but you still need to have ground rules! You can’t have random shit for the sake of random shit!
Next is a skeleton.
“Time to pull this out of the package” Thanks, I couldn’t tell what you were doing.
He’s wearing an eye patch now, and starts looking at the bow & arrow it comes with. … The arrow is going to go into his other eye isn’t it?
YEP! Same telegraphed Chris Bores crap. Hiding behind a puppet won’t change that.
Finally, the Creeper. It’s going to end in an explosion. I haven’t even watched it and I already know how the joke will go.
The Creeper comes in pieces, he puts it together, Steve’s eye patch disappears because fuck continuity, and it simulates exploding by falling apart. Fair enough.
Steve invites ZS back to play, ZS tries to eat the Creeper toy and it explodes. Told you.
Four videos down.
Video #5: Minecraft "Enderman is a Sissy" Angry Master Rant - Puppet Steve
This sounds pleasant. What’s a “master rant”?
The intro no longer has Marty & Muffin, and instead it’s the “Minecraft Puppets Show”. Shouldn’t that just be “puppet” singular?
Anyway, Enderman is apparently a loser.
Holy shit gameplay footage! That is more than likely not his due to how low quality it looks. Likely downloaded off of someone else’s channel.
“Sure the Enderman may act all innocent” Uhhh no? He’s an enemy.
“But deep down, he’s an evil-hearted booger face” … *sighs* I need a drink. Do kids even say booger face these days?
He complains about how he lives in another land and how he’s an “emo kid”. What year did you write this? Who even still uses “emo”?
According to iDuck in the comments of my last post, the footage he’s showing has mods enabled. Making it obvious that Chris did not record this. He refuses to touch a PC game.
And apparently his action figure is stupid. Why? Because of the arms? He has long arms because of the game…
“It’s not as cool as this Steve action figure” This is dumb…
Then another action figure which has him screaming and that shows he’s a “sissy”. You do realize that when they start screaming, that means you need to run. The Enderman is similar to the Slender Man and that looking at him for long periods of time is bad for your health.
And more “playing” with his Steve figures. I am so glad there’s only one Minecraft video after this…
“Steve is so awesome!” Just keep telling yourself that Chris.
“I don’t see why you need any other action figure besides mine” Completion purposes? Wanting to act out Minecraft scenarios with plastic toys? Are you retarded Chris?
He brags some more about himself, even plays a Hallelujah chorus over him.
He insults Enderman’s arms again, thinking he’ll be “tickled to death”. Really? That’s your takeaway from creepy long arms?
Then he calls him a bed wetter because of his constant teleportation. So is Nightcrawler a bed wetter too? Mr. “I’m a huge X-Men fan”? Slender Man, look him up!
“Get this guy a diaper already!” So much stupid.
Then he starts insulting his pink eyes because pink is a “sissy color”. Chris, you’re almost 40, you’re well past the age where you can call pink a “sissy girl color”. Yes it’s feminine, but it isn’t just used for women or girl characters.
He concludes saying Enderman is nothing but a “scaredy-cat whiner baby stupid head”. So these are for like 3 year olds right?
Then the Enderman shows up. Let me guess, he’s going to kill him. Actually, he just touches him and he’s transported to the End.
“I’m in the Ender Zone” No! It’s called the End! It’s so fucking clear you know NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING about Minecraft! Yet you have a channel where you pretend to be the main playable character. Even when you’re trying something original, you come off as a complete and utter fraud! You couldn’t pass as a ghost hunter, you couldn’t pass a gamer, and you clearly can’t pass as a Minecraft fan.
The Ender Dragon appears, Steve jokes about hot dogs, and he gets burned with fire (again, Ender Dragon can’t do that), though it’s more like a light roasting.
“I hate the Ender Zone” And I hate this video.
“We need some scribers” Is that what the kids are calling subscribers now?
God, this was so childish. Even by his standards. What was even the point? What was the joke? I can’t say this enough, don’t let kids watch this. It will make them dumber.
Video #6: Minecraft Toys Series 4 Obsidian Unboxing Mini Figures Puppet Steve Review
The last Minecraft related video. In which he actually talks about something Minecraft related, he’s still going to use the Minecraft puppet.
Some mini-figures. For some reason Steve goes “OooOooOoo” in his intro like the figures are meant to be scary.
They’re mystery boxes so you don’t know what you’ll get.
“I hope there’s money in these” … Noooo. Why would there be money? How is that a joke?
First box has a rabbit, he doesn’t like it. What’s wrong with rabbits?
Second box also has a rabbit. Surprisingly, not duplication editing.
Third box has a rabbit, odd.
“This thing is worse than grandpaw’s kisses” … What?
Then a montage where he gets multiple rabbits, and it’s clearly fake at this point as he recycles footage from earlier and there’s the duplication editing. You can see that most of the rabbits are just pictures.
Then he finally gets a cat, then a priest, a skeleton with a pumpkin head (which Steve calls scary… you know people are being ironic when they bring up Spoopy Skeletons), then a sheared sheep, and then he stops to bring up that this is a kid’s show ARE YOU SERIOUS? Did you seriously just do the same sheared sheep joke again? Kids are not THIS stupid Chris! They can tell when you repeat material!
Then he puts a censor bar over the sheep. Still not funny.
Slime cubes, a spider, Alex, another rabbit, and a Creeper hiding behind rocks. Prompting Steve to yell “HOW STOOPID”. Another Chris signature, the way he says “how stupid”. What’s wrong with that figure? Creepers hide behind rocks all the ti- oh right, Chris knows nothing about Minecraft.
Then a Creeper puppet appears and blows him up. Video over? Nope…
Then an Enderman figure, which he’s about to call stupid when the Enderman puppet appears again. We just went through this shit…
A zombie behind a door, which Steve claims is stupid (except it’s not it’s one of your best bits of protection at night) and ZS appears just to say “brains”
And finally more self-fellatio as the “coolest figure” is Steve. So glad this is the last Minecraft video.
“Collect them all, except that stupid rabbit”. This prompts the rabbit’s eyes to glow red for a second, and a giant rabbit falls on him. Ugggggh, seriously how are you not tired of this bit Chris?
You ever see excerpts from that Minecraft joke book which tells a whole bunch of non-jokes that even kids would find stupid? That’s what these early videos reminded me of. A lot of non-jokes and cringe.
I do wonder why he didn’t go back to Marty and Muffin since he no longer does Minecraft toys. I mean, Marty & Steve are basically the same character. They’re both dumb as bricks.
Video #7: Sausage Party Trailer Puppet Steve Reaction Video - Minecraft Puppet Steve
And now for something completely different.
Never thought I’d see Chris react to a trailer. But I can see the joke coming a mile away.
He’s going to react to the trailer for Sausage Party, which was new the time the video was released (March 17th 2016, a few days after Sony posted it on YouTube).
“A new computer animated movie like the ones Pixar does” Hoo boy we’re in trouble.
“Just tap a couple buttons here and away we go” We don’t need to see Steve starting up the video, just cut to the trailer.
So he plays the first couple seconds, then it cuts right to the part where the potato gets peeled and reacts in pain. What’s weird is that Chris censored more than needed, in the trailer he screamed “JESUS FUCK! Agh, oh me skin, she’s peeling me fucking skin!”. In Steve’s video it sounds like “JESUS Beep Beep Oh beep beep me beeep beep skin!” You failed at the joke Chris.
Anyway, Steve reacts in horror, and shuts it off after the baby carrots get eaten.
“That is one animated movie that is not for kids!” Duh. Chris, this isn’t the 80’s anymore, just because it’s animated doesn’t mean it’s automatically for kids. We live in the era of The Simpsons, South Park, Adult Swim, violent anime seeing a greater widespread release.
“I don’t think my mom’s going to take me to see that movie?” Your mom? Is Steve supposed to be a kid? Then why does he start his videos with “Hey kids”? I mean, when a show is hosted by kids, they usually say “hey everyone” since their talking to other kids. But if an adult is hosting and talking to kids… agh, there’s no logic!
“There’s so many bad words in this trailer I feel like washing my own mouth out with soap” Ironic coming from the Irate Gamer.
He does recognize the voice… as Master Mantis from Kung-Fu Panda. Really? That’s the reference you’re going for? Surely there’s a different Seth Rogen role you can bring up? *looks* Oh… oh wow, so many of his movies are not kid-friendly. Okay fair enough, but at least say Seth Rogen like you did in the damn description. Say “Seth Rogen, the voice of Master Mantis from Kung-Fu Panda!”
He tells kids not to see it as it’s about sausages (actually they’re just regular hot dogs, the name Sausage Party is a dick joke) and hot dog buns coming to life and realizing people eat them. He calls it stupid. No, the idea is fine. It’s the execution that’s questionable.
He tries to eat a muffin, but it’s actually Muffin from the first three videos. Huh, that’s surprising. And Steve runs away in fear. Haven’t you already met him? In the third video? Logic is dead again…
What was the point of this video? To warn kids not to see the movie? Pretty sure that’s the parent’s job, and I doubt Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network would be running commercials for it.
Video #8: 1upbox March 2016 edition! Minecraft Puppet Steve Reviews
Thought you were safe from boxes on this channel? NOOOOOPE! 1UpBox!
First item is a t-shirt with Batman & Superman fighting and Wonder Woman trying to break it up. Steve tries to wear it and it’s too big. … I can see the joke, but I’m still not laughing.
A Batman & Superman pin, with Steve claiming to be part of “Batman Starfleet”. Head, meet wall…
Super Mario shoelaces, which Steve somehow gets wrapped up in. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Some post-it notes, which Steve covers himself with…
Halo magnets, which Steve calls “crazy”. … You have a loose definition of that word.
A plushie of Raphael from TMNT, and apparently he also got Michelangelo too. He calls someone a sucker.
And a pin. “Pin-riffic” NO! Fuck off!
He then tells kids to go to the site. Yes, spend your parents money on useless crap like this.
And then Steve collapses from exhaustion. Okay…
Yep, just as dumb as the Box Wars.
You can say “it’s for kids” all you want, but that’s a terrible defense. Kids deserve better than this random garbage. It’s not even well written.
Next time, Steve will look at Lego, amiibo, Zootopia, and more. I’ve got a headache…