HE-MAN and the Painful Action Figure Review!

God damn, Bores is actually doing stuff. A new channel layout, updates to his site, some stuff I missed, and the subject of this recap.

A lot of that other stuff will be brought up soon, but time for more of his “I’m such an 80s kid, don’t you other 80s kids enjoy this?” garbage.

So we’re going to see IG talk about He-Man action figures. I could be crude, but I want to try and conduct myself with a little class.

Personally, I don’t get He-Man. The cartoon is utter shit, and I really don’t care for action figures in general. Sure if something looks cool I’ll grab it, but I don’t go out of my way to collect them.

“This time Irate covers He-man and how it revolutionized the Action figures paradigm.” What does that even mean?! Ugh, start the video…

0:05 - 0:16: Okay seriously? This crowded desk isn’t working, it’s just intrusive. It’s like Bores doesn’t care if they listen, he just shoves a whole bunch of shit in front of the camera hoping that’s enough to keep their attention.

“Just happened to be the very first thing I collected as a kid” That explains a lot… well it explains something.

0:17 - 0:30: We get some stock footage that’s obviously not from the 80s as IG goes into the history of He-Man that he took directly from Wikipedia. I can search “Masters of the Universe” too Chris.

“They ended releasing a barbarian line of action figures called *pause* He-Man” You seem to be forgetting that the overall name of this franchise is Masters of the Universe. Yes I know most kids didn’t care for that name but you’re not a kid anymore.

0:30 - 0:48: He goes into the first series of figures, proceeding to list them off. He ends on Beast-Man, prompting a green-screen effect with IG jumping next to the figure and growling. Was that necessary? Did that joke add ANYTHING to this? It’s like he’s saying “Look what I can do everyone! Aren’t I awesome?” Fuck’s sake…

*looks at his face* You really need to take laxatives, that can’t be healthy for you.

0:48 - 1:09: Blah blah blah, animated tie-in, never been done before, yeah yeah yeah. You know, this could be interesting if I didn’t know what happens later in the video. This is going to get really bad.

1:10 - 1:39: Pffft, wow. Nice “80s TV”. Who knew flat screens that nice existed in 1983? And with Comcast cable too!

He starts listing off series 2 characters, ending on Faker… except he’s not there. This is where things get really bad. It cuts to Skeletor watching Bores, and… really? Are we really doing this? *downs Vicodin” Okay.

Skeletor here is Bores wearing his Ronnie mask with a blue hood and blue-tinted skin. Oh God he’s not wearing a shirt!

“You idiotic show host” Well, at least he’s right about one thing, he is idiotic.

For some reason, Skeletor took IG’s action figure of Faker. Why? Well, hopefully we’ll get an explanation.

1:40 - 2:00: He goes into series 3, thankfully he spares us and only lists a handful of the figures in that set. He holds up Kobra Khan and sprays himself in the face. Just to show it can do that I guess? No, it’s more “wackiness”.

2:00 - 2:14: IG brings up the vehicles, accessories, and playsets. And since we can’t have list without a “zany” joke, the camera zooms in onto one of the sets, the door opens and IG is using his green screen to pretend he’s in it. Then the Beast-Man figure shows up to scare him. You know, this is just delving into “why is this needed” on endless loop, and it’s really grating on my nerves.

EDIT: I missed this before, but Bores doesn't actually own the playsets. If you look closely you can see their just pictures imposed onto his desk. Thanks to the Necro Critic for pointing this out.

2:15 - 2:45: He brings up that 1985 was a big year for He-Man due to the theatrical He-Man & She-Ra movie. And it’s just as shit as the cartoon.

“I remember seeing this movie in the theaters as a kid, and it was awesome!” You were five, take off the goggles, and watch it again.

This leads into listing a few of the series 4 figures. You know, there are people on YouTube that review action figures, power to them. They can make an interesting and entertaining product, I’ve seen TJOmega’s Plastic Addict videos. The issue here is Bores isn‘t “reviewing“ them, he’s just saying their names and displaying them on camera. For someone that does care enough about action figures, is this respectful or just plain dumb?

2:46 - 3:07: He goes on about how the movie was really a bridge between He-Man and She-Ra. How He-Man is being written out and She-Ra will replace him. Thus establishing the pattern that movies based on shows based on toys are all about advertising the newest pieces of plastic. Sometimes they’ll get fucking dark like Transformers. But screw actually bringing this up!

He mentions series 5 but thankfully he doesn’t list them since they’re She-Ra villains, and notes how the other She-Ra toys were mainly for girls. How’d you figure that one out Poirot?

3:08 - 3:23: The figures are on their last legs, and IG mentions how series 6 was the last to come out. Really? Cause I’m looking up the He-Man Wiki and it lists a seventh series. Granted there were only two figures total, and they were just He-Man & Skeletor repackaged with lasers, but at least mention it.

IG mentions that series 6 has the now hard-to-find Sorceress figure… and IG proceeds to hit on her. I thought we were done with this creepy shit Bores? What’s worse is he edits her face to make her look interested. What have I said about the fan fiction?

3:23 - 3:44: IG moves onto the 2002 relaunch and takes out a paper bag with the new figures. Once again, listing them off while putting their 80s counterpart next to them. All he says is that they look impressive. And for added wackiness, he gets sprayed by Kobra Khan again. Cause that wasn’t moronic the first time.

EDIT: When listing off the figures, he's showing both versions of Tri-Klops but calls him Man-E-Faces. Thanks to the Necro Critic for pointing this out.

I won't berate Bores because he actually acknowledged it in the description. However, this leads to him saying he'll release a fixed "master version" for DVD. HE'S PLANNING A DVD OF THIS! If that cartoon footage is still there, Mattel is going to sue him hard. Or whoever owns the rights now.

3:45 - 4:03: We get to the “rating” and given his last two episodes, it’s pretty obvious what it’s going to get here.

“This one’s another Nostalgic Overload” *throws hands up* WHAT DO YOU KNOW I’M PSYCHIC! Look, you can’t expect people to take this seriously when EVERYTHING is a “Nostalgic Overload”. People lose interest. Especially when you barely release videos already.

So is this the end of the video? *slams head on desk* Ohhhh I wish.

IG leaves and Skeletor walks in, IG immediately walks back because his “apartment” is only one room. Hey look, a cameo from sloppy film-making 101 (look at the ceiling when Bores walks in).

Note that the action figure Skeletor is holding is now blue. Showing that Bores isn’t covered in blue paint, but he edited his body in post-production. After Effects is win guys!

By the way, we don’t get a real explanation for why Skeletor wants his He-Man action figures. Just “he’s evil” I guess.

Seeing this “terrible crime”, IG takes out a sword and does the He-Man battle cry “By the power of Grayskull! I have the power!” and somehow still retaining his normal clothes. This is actually a good thing, I don’t want to see him dressed as He-Man... Ugh.

IG swings his sword and … somehow causes Skeletor to explode. So this is what Michael Bay directing Masters of the Universe would look like.

“Silly Skeletor, He-Man is for kids!” Yes, it is for kids. Hand them over, you’re 31 years old.

Then … the Trix Rabbit shows up and yells at him. “Heeeey, that’s my line!” No. No. No! NO! NO! That’s not the Rabbit’s line! The Rabbit disguises himself, tries to get the Trix, gets foiled, and the nearby KIDS say “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids”. You’d think someone so obsessed with cereal would know this pattern! God damn it this was awful!

As a history lesson, it fails. I could just read the same exact thing on Wikipedia, with actual names and more info. As a “review” it fails. He told us nothing about the action figures. What made them so great? Were they fun? Did they have articulation? Don’t just list them! The sketches felt like rejected ideas from his regular IG show… and that’s pretty fucking low.

That’s not all though, I have a tiny bonus. His “I rate the 80s” site is now up.

There’s very little to it, it just lists the six episodes (Breakfast Rants? I don’t know what you’re talking about) and a tagline.

“Half documentary, Half zany antics, Chris is recapping everything from the 1980s in this hit YouTube series”

I see Chris still hasn’t learned his lesson. His idea about being informative and adding “Irate Gamer comedy” is like getting a brand covered in needles, nothing but pain!

And there he goes again saying “hit series”, all to make himself look more important than he really is. Humble my ass.

That’s all I can stand. It’s 2 in the morning, I should probably sleep. Maybe.